Previously: Alex was kicked to the curb and of course left The OC.
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The Brothers Grim
Mallory: We start off with what is basically my dream come true: Sandy Cohen offering up chicken parm for dinner. Kirsten is too preoccupied talking to Carter about Newport Living magazine to appreciate Sandy’s chivalry. Seth and Ryan swoop in to grab their chicken parm and get back to a “very crucial Playstation game,” but Sandy traps them into a family dinner.
Marines: I almost hate to say it but not really: it’s the eyebrows.
Sweeney: The eyebrows explain it all.
Mallory: Family dinner is interrupted by a phone call for Ryan. I wonder who that could be? Marissa is supposed to call him back, but have we ever known her to be reliable? I really don’t think so. Which is why I’m actually much less surprised to find out it’s Ryan’s brother, Trey, who’s out of jail. Ex-cons have more integrity than Marissa Cooper.
The next morning, Seth is concerned to find Ryan pondering thoughtfully in the pool house instead of enjoying bagels and cream cheese. Because clearly last night’s chicken parm wasn’t enough carb loading for the day’s ex-con-brother-picking-up duties. We learn Ryan’s last encounter with Trey was the previous Thanksgiving, when Trey tried to get Ryan to help him steal a car. So that’s promising!
Sweeney: Family bonding activities!
Mallory: Kirsten is afraid Sandy is going to want to adopt Trey. Sandy claims he has no interest in adopting a 20-year-old ex-con but I’m inclined to empathize with Kirsten here. You never know what kind of good samaritan behavior Sandy will engage in without prior warning. He just can’t help himself; he’s suchh a NICE GUY. In fact, after this conversation he immediately turns around and makes Ryan a delicious toasted and shmeared bagel before they head out to pick up Trey.
Mari: I can’t even concentrate right now. This episode is making me too hungry.
Mallory: At Harbor High, Marissa and Summer gossip about the Trey situation. They are both wearing so many colors and accessories I can’t even focus on what’s coming out of their mouths. I think it’s something along the lines of, “Oh my GOD!” and “Coop!” and “Why am I not wearing a bra?” (Fashion of the early to mid 2000s was apparently not conducive to bras if Marissa’s jiggly jumblies are any indication.)
This riveting exchange is interrupted when the girls spy Zach on a Vespa. Because Zach is a cliche who comes back from Italy and buys himself a Vespa. And because I guess in the O.C. you can just ride Vespas up to the entrances of school patios. Does Harbor have valet? Summer’s terrified of retribution from Zach for choosing Seth over him, but Zach acts like everything is aces. Summer’s not buying it, and neither am I.
We meet back up with Sandy and Ryan at the jail. Sandy offers to let Trey stay with the Cohen’s for a while, an idea Ryan isn’t too thrilled about. The mysterious Trey finally appears in what I believe might be head-to-toe denim and the gang heads out for lunch. Hopefully something light on carbs. (M: Blasphemy.)
At the office, Kirsten and Carter are working on a video intro for the magazine when Julie busts in and asks for a private moment with Kirsten. She confesses to her “naked mistake” and Kirsten encourages Julie to tell Cal about the porn video so she can get the money she needs to pay off her nasty ex. It’s a weirdly non-dramatic conversation given the topic. I guess no one is really surprised to learn Julie has a less-than-pristine past.
Sweeney: Also the phrase “I made a naked mistake” is amazing and probably put them both at ease because any scenario where you get to use sentences like that can’t be all bad.
Mallory: Back at school, Seth runs into Zach and makes the winking observation, “Hey man, you came back! People never leave and come back!” Marry me, Seth Cohen! Seth attempts to smooth over the Summer situation but Zach is so over it. He tells Seth about Francesca, his tall, blonde, Italian fling. Maybe Zach thinks Francesca is a catch, but he’s mistaken if he believes a generic blonde is really an upgrade from feisty little Summer of the famous rage blackouts. Zach then makes a huuuuuge mistake and asks Seth to keep Francesca a secret from Summer to avoid hurting her feelings. Does he not know Seth Cohen?!
After catching a glimpse of the place Trey’s supposed to be staying, Ryan’s sweet little heart melts and he invites Trey back to the Cohen’s. Sandy introduces the Cohen house to Trey as “the crib,” because he’s a hip kind of guy. Trey is impressed, to say the least. Sandy gives Trey a literal wad of money to spend on clothes and toiletries. (Yet another reason I sometimes wish I could be a juvenile delinquent with a heart of gold in the general vicinity of fictional Orange County.) (M: I’d even put up with Marissa for this set-up.) The boys recruit Marissa to go along on the shopping trip, I’m guessing because Marissa has hardly been in the episode up to this point and they need to get their money’s worth out of Mischa Barton and her exceptional acting skills.
Julie butters up Cal with some crawfish (his favorite?!) and a low-cut top before trying to slip in the news about her adult film among a to-do list that includes replacing the shower head, firing the gardener and re-doing the kitchen. This is why we love Julie Cooper. Cal agrees to pay the half a million dollars without any fuss. Oh, to be a rich old man with so much money that giving up half a million to pay off a skeezy blackmailer is merely a minor annoyance.
We meet up with Seth and Summer at The Lighthouse as Summer obsesses over Zach’s weirdly friendly behavior. Summer can immediately tell Seth is hiding something and gets him to spill the Francesca secret in approximately .57 seconds. Disappointingly, no carbs are had. Why are you even at a diner if you’re not going to have some fries?
Mari: Ugh, Mallory! You said fries!
Mallory: Back with the Atwood boys, Trey is relishing the opportunity to shop for fancy clothes and is fondling an expensive watch when bra-less Marissa shows up. There’s a 5 minute awkward moment where Marissa and Ryan try to explain their friends-not-dating-not-just-friends-friends relationship to Trey. Then they use a hideous golf hat as an excuse to flirt blatantly. It’s actually really gross. Call it blasphemy, but I don’t understand Ryan and Marissa as a couple – seeing them together just makes me wish I could fast forward to season 4 Taylor Townsend. Now that’s a girl worth Ryan’s attention. Or at least a girl who is smart and interesting, two things Marissa will never be.
Mari: Girl, I just called a carb-less lunch blasphemy. This barely warrants it. Marissa sucks.
Sweeney: It might be one of the most popular, undisputed character opinions in Traumaland.
Mallory: Back at the office, Julie shares her good news about Cal helping pay off her ex with Kirsten. Julie catches Kirsten zoning out and staring at Carter and gleefully ribs her about having a crush on him. She even comes up with the fantastic alliteration, “Kirsten Cohen crushes Carter!” Of course this is exactly the moment when Sandy makes a surprise visit, during which Kirsten not-so-subtly avoids introducing him to Carter.
We rejoin the Atwoods + Marissa on their shopping trip; Trey is apparently suffering “shopper’s fatigue” but dude needs to buck up because it looks like they’re still in the same store they started out in. This kid would run and hide at the suggestion of Black Friday. On the way out of the store Trey gets stopped by security and asked to empty his bags. Trey freaks out about it like he’s being unfairly targeted for both looking like a hooligan and fondling a watch for an inordinate amount of time. Imagine.
Zach visits Summer for the old drop-off-a-box-of-your-stuff-after-a-breakup charade. Is this really a thing that happens? You see it all the time in TV and movies but I have a hard time believing people leave their stuff laying around willy-nilly at their significant other’s house, especially not in high school. Summer is also nonplussed by the whole situation and kicks Zach out so she can watch the cast of The Valley guest veejay Music Video Nation. Because Summer has her priorities straight.
Mari: My closed captioning said TRL. I guess TRL was all, “no, don’t say our name. This season is lame.” Or something.
Mallory: Cal hits up Julie’s skeezy ex to make the payoff. After he has the porn tape in hand, he calls in some intimidating goons and swipes the briefcase with his half mil on the way out. No wonder he wasn’t too worried about it. Win-win?
Julie swings by Kirsten’s office to consult on dress options for the magazine launch party. Spoilers: they are both hideous. They also both look like things the current cast of Real Housewives of Orange County would definitely wear, present tense. I’m not sure if that means Julie was ahead of her time or the Real Housewives are behind, but I don’t think it matters either way when the outfits are that horrifying. Carter shows up with a bottle of wine and Kirsten (who I guess is not an alcoholic yet despite Carter claiming the two of them “average a bottle a night” around the office) shuts him down fast.
Despite the earlier weirdness, Summer drops by Zach’s house to reciprocate the dropping-off-stuff performance. Summer mentions Francesca and Zach’s mom, apparently not having any sense of when she’s about to horribly embarrass her progeny, informs Summer that Zach never even left the hotel room in Italy, let alone hooked up with a leggy blonde.
Sweeney: Shit, mom, BE COOL.
Mallory: After a long day of job hunting Trey comes up without any leads, I’m guessing thanks in large part to his ex-con status and surly demeanor. In a desperate attempt to cheer Trey up, Ryan starts throwing clothes at him. When I said desperate I meant it. I’ve never known clothes throwing to do anything except cause unnecessary wrinkles. Lo and behold, at the bottom of the pile of clothes Ryan finds a watch – the watch that Trey was accused of stealing.
Aaaaand so much for the brotherly bonding over clothes-throwing. Ryan immediately accuses Trey of stealing the watch, but Trey claims he went back to the store and bought the watch as a gift for Ryan. (M: Was the watch still there? Did that shop dude just accuse him of stealing it even though it was sitting out in the same spot?) (S: What a dick.) Then he leaves in a tizzy, but not without throwing the receipt for the watch at a stunned Ryan.
In Casa de Roberts, Zach confronts Summer to explain his Francesca lie. This back and forth is crazy, y’all. It’s a nice little moment but there’s a party goin’ on tonight that’s got to be more interesting than dragging out this non-relationship. At least we get reassurance that Zach is not a total idiot – he fed Seth the Francesca story intentionally, knowing Seth would blab it to Summer and hoping that would make the break-up easier for all of them. And yet all he did was create a really dull storyline that prevents my girl Summer from getting a chance to shine in this episode. That jerk! I’m really starting to notice pent up aggression towards Zach that I’ve probably been harboring since 2004 but am just now noticing.
Party time! Bad news – Marissa still hasn’t managed to track down a bra anywhere in her giant mansion. (M: Maybe the maid hides it for kicks and giggles.) She catches Ryan on his way to find Trey and ditches the party in favor of accompanying him to Chino. You know, because it’s more important to help your not-boyfriend chase down his ex-con brother for no apparent reason than it is to your mother’s huge new business venture. I don’t thinks he realizes how important this might be for her ability to afford supportive undergarments in the future.
But there is good news too – Julie didn’t wear either of the terrible dresses she modeled for Kirsten earlier in the day! In fact, she found one that was worse. But it’s her night and she’s fabulous so who even cares?
Mari: My eyes.
Mallory: Summer shows up at the party giving Seth the stink eye. She’s upset at him for telling Zach’s secret (that wasn’t even true) because he knew it would make her jealous of Francesca (a thing that didn’t bother her when she thought the story was true). Seth is, understandably, lost. Summer gives him an ultimatum that he needs to figure out what she’s upset about and apologize to her within 20 minutes or she’s out. Not Summer’s best moment. Damn that Zach for turning her into this!
Sweeney: This entire plot is a low moment for all involved. I’m glad it’s almost over.
Mallory: Carter and Kirsten have a convo about the weirdness between them and Kirsten uses it as an excuse to grab a glass of Chardonnay. I sense a downward spiral headed our way.
In Chino, Ryan and Marissa find Trey in a gross dive bar and try to convince him to come back to Newport. The only thing this accomplishes is getting Marissa eye raped by the classy bar clientele.
Poor Seth grovels for Summer’s forgiveness and she eventually realizes Seth was jealous of her being jealous of Zach, which I guess makes the whole thing hunky-dorey. None of it really matters as long as Seth and Summer are happy at the end of the day, and they are.
Mari: I really thought Caleb was behind the tape, but OF COURSE the skeevy ex had more copies. OF COURSE.
Mallory: Unfortunately the sex tape gets stopped just a few seconds in; I was kind of hoping to see more of young Julie Cooper’s acting skills and awesome dialogue like, “If I’ve never had sex before, why do I feel so horny?” Cal tries to comfort Julie but fails to mention the part where the whole situation is probably all his fault for not giving the skeeze his money.
Meanwhile, Carter and Sandy finally meet formally and Sandy talks about his great family, “including [his] mother-in-law the porn star.” Whooo, keep ‘em comin’, Sandy, you’re on a roll! Carter makes a lot of references to drinking way too much alcohol. Foreshadow much? It’s been a long time since I watched The O.C. straight through, so I can’t remember if this is accurate, but based on this episode I feel like Carter is totally the thing that sparks Kirsten’s alcoholism.
Back in Chino, Ryan and Marissa decide to call it a night when they aforementioned eye-raper hits on Marissa aggressively. Eye-raper starts throwing punches at Ryan and pretty soon it’s an all-out brawl. Trey to the rescue! The Atwoods lay down some smack and escape unscathed. Trey is disturbingly excited by the whole thing, but for some reason Ryan still thinks it’s a good idea to invite Trey back to the Cohen’s. Brotherly bonding over fisticuffs. This will definitely end well.
Sweeney: Definitely. Always.
Mallory: Speaking of ending well, Sandy finally gets his family dinner as everyone gathers back at the Cohen’s to snack on party leftovers. I really hope those ladies removed their Spanx so they can truly appreciate the cheese platter.
Next time on The OC: Trey terrorizes a yard sale in S02 E18 – The Risky Business.
I spend too much time reading and watching TV. Puppies, Diet Coke and the ’90s make me happy. I mean really, who doesn’t love the days of Marky Mark?
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
