Supernatural S03 E06 – How the sass tables turn

Previously: The boys encountered some fairy tale style bullshit, the writers pummelled us with the Anvil of Obviousness, and we hated on Dean for implying that straight men shouldn’t know about fairy tales. Oh, and Sam killed the Crossroads Demon and the person she was inhabiting. Damn him and his Murder Penis.
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Red Sky At Morning

Kirsti: A young woman runs along an abandoned dock at night in tiny shorts and a sports bra. I roll my eyes so hard they nearly fall out of their sockets because no woman on earth would go running alone at night dressed like that. (A: +1.) She stops to get a drink at a water fountain, then looks up when there’s a crack of thunder. She sees a ghostly sailing ship float past, then vanish. She runs off, looking freaked out.

Cut to her house, where she’s showering. Segue: does anybody actually do a shampoo advert style hair flip in the shower? Because I call bullshit. It just makes the ceiling wet and drippy.

Anna May: And gets shampoo in your eyes. Would not recommend.

K: Agreed.

ANYWAY. A dark figure walks up and places his hand on the shower door, and NOPE NOPITY NOPE THAT’S BASICALLY MY NIGHTMARE. (A: Agreed. Very glad I took a shower right before commenting on this because I’m gonna need a while to recover from that before I take another one.) He rubs the glass and there’s a little squeaky noise. She sticks her head out of the shower but sees nothing. Because HE’S IN THE SHOWER WITH HER. He starts strangling her, banging her into the walls of the shower before dropping her dead body to the floor.

Misogyny shots? Yeah. Misogyny shots.

Anna May: Definite misogyny shots. I get the feeling we’re going to need the booze this episode. *downs shot* Also I’m a bit confused by this trope in horror of showers = death. Do horror writers just hate clean people?

K: I think it’s the “naked and vulnerable” thing? But maybe they hate clean people too.

SATAN’S SCREENSAVER!

After the Not Credits, the boys are in the Bromobile, bro-ing their way down yet another highway. Dean wants to know why there’s a bullet missing from the Colt. Sam tries to play dumb but eventually admits that he went after the Crossroads Demon and killed her because “She was a smartass!” Um. How about you go fuck yourself with a rusty spear, Sam? That’s not a reason to kill someone, even if that someone is a demon. Dean asks if he’s out of his contract now, but LOL NOPE. He wants to know what the point was, and Sam gets defensive, saying that he’d do anything to save Dean.

Anna May: “I tried” is not an answer, Sam. You don’t even get a star sticker.

K: NOPE. No stickers for you.

Destination reached, they pose as detectives from the sheriff’s department and interview the dead girl’s 70-something aunt, who flirts shamelessly with Sam. His incredible discomfort at this turn of events makes me happy. They ask her some questions, and she says she found her niece dead in the shower, and the coroner said she drowned. She suddenly asks if they’re working with Alex, and they’re all “Uh, sure. Yep. Totally working with Alex.” Cradle Robber is comforted by this, then mentions that her niece said she saw a boat just before she died, and wants to know if the boys think it’s a ghost ship because Alex thinks it’s a ghost ship. Their faces are priceless.

Cradle Robber then flirts with Sam some more and runs a finger down his arm. He looks incredibly uncomfortable, and NOW YOU KNOW WHAT WOMEN GO THROUGH ON A DAILY BASIS, SAM.

Anna May: Dean should also take note seeing as he’s the one with a tendency to flirt with anything that looks at him for more than half a second.

K: Truth.

The boys head back towards the Bromobile. Sam does his regularly scheduled info-dump: every 37 years, a ghost ship is sighted in the bay, and every 37 years, there are a bunch of weirdo drownings on dry land. Ghost ships have been seen all over the world, and they’re usually a death omen. Their first challenge is to identify the ship, but it could be tricky as there have been over 150 shipwrecks off that stretch of coast. Womp womp.

They reach where the car was parked, and it’s gone. Dean freaks the fuck out and starts hyperventilating.

I, meanwhile, am distracted by how fucking ugly and poorly fitting Dean’s trousers are:

Anna May: The entire suit is ugly and ill-fitting really, but the trousers are the cherry on the hideous cake.

K: It’s like they bought a suit for a dude six inches taller and ten kilos heavier, and then went “Eh. Close enough.”

Bela walks up and is all “Oh, that was your car? LOL, I had it towed.” Dean freaks out some more. Sam realises that she’s Cradle Robber’s “Alex”, and she admits that yes, she spends a lot of time conning lonely old ladies up and down the coast. Dean is disgusted and asks how she sleeps at night. Because she’s awesome, Bela replies “On silk sheets, rolling naked in money.” I kind of love her. Anyway, she’s pissed at the boys because they told Cradle Robber that the case wasn’t solved and she wants answers. Bela suggests they get the car before the authorities find their weapons stash.

Anna May: I’m liking the boys less and less on this rewatch of the show, and Bela more and more for fucking with them. Also possibly misogyny shots for Dean’s “can I shoot her?” and Sam’s “not in public”, even if it did make me laugh a bit.

K: Agreed on all fronts.

That night, a man in a posh looking bathroom goes about his night time routine. A dark figure passes behind him, and he turns but there’s no one there. The bath, however, is full of murky water. He goes over and fiddles with the drain, and LOOK, WRITERS. YOU ALREADY DID THIS IN SEASON 1, OKAY? A hand shoots out of the water, drags his head under, and he drowns. (A: The eyeball bulge freaked me out. Gross.) Fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, it’s the next morning. Bath Victim’s house is now a crime scene, and Bela’s posing as a reporter, trying to get information from Bath Victim’s brother. The boys, posing as cops, order her to leave. She looks pissed, but does. The boys ask some more questions, and find out that Bath Victim saw a ghost ship too. They’re surprised by the amount of detail Bath Victim’s brother can provide, but BVB is all “Uh, duh. I saw it too.” Womp womp. The boys exchange a look, then notice that Bela’s pointing some ACTUAL policemen in their direction. They make excuses and leave.

The woods. The boys are loading up on weapons from the Bromobile’s stash when Bela turns up. Dean threatens to shoot her some more, because cars are more important than women, but Bela has no fucks to give about that or their plans to save BVB. She calls him “cannon fodder“, and says that finding the ship is more important. This is a total segue, but it’s interesting to see how much closer to Bela’s version of solving cases the boys get over the years. They stop using exorcisms that give them half a chance of saving the possessee, and increasingly rely on weapons that kill the demon and its host. And yet here, they’re calling Bela soulless for basically doing the same.

Anna May: Are hypocrisy shots a thing yet? If they’re not they should be.

K: Let’s add it to the drinking game – we need all the booze we can get with this show sometimes.

The boys get judgey, and Bela snaps that they’re no better than her. Dean insists that they help people, and I give a round of applause to Bela for this speech: “Come on. You do this out of vengeance and obsession. You’re a stone’s throw from being a serial killer. Whereas I, on the other hand, I get paid to do a job and I do it. So, you tell me – which is healthier?” Yup. She does everything but Z snap at them, and leaves.

Anna May: She should have Z-snapped at them, just to ram the point home. And walked away to a sassy bass sting. 

K: That would have been amazing.

Later, the boys are staking out BVB’s house from the Bromobile. Sam info-dumps that a few years back the brothers inherited $112 million from their father. He can’t work out what all these nice white people had in common that made them see the ship. Just then, BVB spots them. He yells at them to leave him alone because they’re totally not cops. They tell him they just want to help, but he gets in his car to leave. He doesn’t even make it to the gate before the engine dies.

Dean runs for a salt gun as Sam dashes over to help. BVB looks up to see a Creepy Dead Sailor with drippy hair in his back seat. When he turns around, Creepy Dead Sailor is gone, but reappears in the front seat. CDS reaches out and touches BVB’s cheek, and he spasms, water pouring from his mouth. BVB slumps against the steering wheel. CDS glares at Sam. Dean fires at the window, which smashes, and CDS vanishes. But it’s too late. Bath Victim’s Brother is dead. Because apparently trying CPR is too hard?? IDEK.

Anna May: This whole on-land-drowning scene all I could think of was “Doctor Who did it better”… but they didn’t do CPR in that either and Martha’s a trainee doctor in that. What gives?

K: People on TV are stupid?

Whatever, we fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, the boys are bro-ing along the highway. Dean tries to comfort a sulky Sam by pointing out that you can’t save everyone, (A: Well of course you can’t, Sam, if all you do is stand there like a total lemon instead of trying to do anything…) (K: A+) but Sam mopes that he feels like he can’t save anyone lately. The next morning, there’s a knock on the door of the house they’re squatting in. Bela walks in, and tells them she’d identified the ship and she wants to work together.

Sometime later, she informs them that the ship is the Espírito Santo. In 1859, a 37 year old sailor was hanged on board for treason. She actually says “hanged” and I cheer a little because hanged/hung is my pet peeve. (A: Agreed. +1 to Bela for correct grammar.) The fact that the dude was 37 explains the 37 year cycle. Bela has a photo of him, and it’s of Creepy Dead Sailor, looking less dead and creepy, and proving that Bela’s research is good. Except for the fact that Creepy Dead Sailor was missing his right hand, and he definitely has one in the photo. Bela informs the boys that his body was cremated, except for his hand which was turned into a Hand of Glory. Dean makes a smutty joke, because obviously.

Sam rolls his eyes (A: so do I) and informs Dean and anyone who doesn’t read paranormal fiction/Harry Potter (trust me: there’s one in Borgin and Burke’s, and Malfoy uses it in Half-Blood Prince) that a Hand of Glory is a super powerful occult object.

Anna May: Harry Potter was immediately what I thought of as well. And then a ghost walk I went on when I was like 11 where at the end of his “Hand of Glory” story the tour guide pulled his fake hand off and threw it at the group.

K: OMG.

But it doesn’t explain how Creepy Dead Sailor is choosing his victims. Bela has no fucks to give – destroy the Hand of Glory, destroy the spirit. And she knows exactly where it is: in a local museum. She just needs their help to obtain it.

That night, at the Winchester’s House of Squatting, Bela’s in an evening gown and tons of jewellery, pacing back and forth. She yells out to Dean to hurry the fuck up, and he reluctantly comes downstairs in a tuxedo as the tinkly orchestra attempts a copyright-free version of the James Bond theme. Bela leers a little, and says that they should have angry sex later. Dean shifts uncomfortably and says “Don’t objectify me“, which is pretty fucking rich coming from him. I really do appreciate the female characters in this episode making the Winchesters uncomfortable. I wish that happened more…

Anna May: Me too. Equal opportunity objectification 2K15. 

K: YUP.

Museum of Casually Displayed Human Remains (Which ICOM Would Not Approve Of). I feel like the exterior was also used as the Genovian Embassy in The Princess Diaries, but that might be wishful thinking. Dean sticks his gum to a silver centrepiece and Bela looks horrified. Meanwhile, a tux-clad Sam is already there, as Cradle Robber’s date.

She calls him “my Adonis” and rubs his chest seductively, and Sam basically runs away to ask Dean and Bela how long he has to put up with being groped. Dean reminds him that they wouldn’t have been able to get into the security-laden gala without Cradle Robber’s invitations. Sam reluctantly returns to Cradle Robber as Dean and Bela head further inside.

Bela asks how they’re going to get upstairs. Dean says that he’s thinking, and she sasses that he shouldn’t strain himself. He snaps that her suggestions are welcome, and she immediately collapses in his arms. He asks a passing waiter if there’s shellfish in the food because his “wife” is allergic, then grabs a couple of snacks for himself, and it’s oddly amazing:

A guard comes over and asks what the problem is. Dean says that his wife can’t hold her champagne and asks if there’s somewhere he can let her lie down that isn’t the floor. The guard looks around for a second, then ushers Dean – carrying Bela – upstairs. He dumps her on a sofa, thanks the guard, and shuts the door. Bela sits up, and Dean complains about her not filling him in on the plan. She sasses some more before telling him where to find the Hand of Glory, and adding that the case is alarmed. He leaves, grumbling to himself, as Bela looks smug.

Anna May: Dean’s reactions are totally playground and I love it. Bela, keep doing the thing.

K: Excuse me while I create a petition to remake this show with Bela as a core cast member.

Back downstairs, Cradle Robber keeps grabbing Sam’s arse, and he looks increasingly freaked out. Dude. She’s like 70 and you’re 1000 feet tall. Chill. Upstairs, Dean breaks into the secured case to get the Hand of Glory and I get ranty again because we had secured cases in the museum I worked at, and the alarm had to be turned off FROM THE SECURITY OFFICE LIKE 20 MINUTES BEFORE YOU WANTED TO OPEN THE CASE. (A: Wouldn’t have made for a particularly interesting episode, though. Unless the 20 minutes between turning off the alarm and fetching the Hand were taken up by Bela sassing Dean.) Elsewhere, Bela is looking thoughtfully at a ship in a bottle. There’s a knock at the door. She thinks quickly, and opens the door giggling, with her hair and lipstick mussed and her dress half off. She tells the security guard they need a few more minutes with the room.

Dean returns shortly thereafter, and Bela says she’ll put the Hand of Glory in her purse, but he’s all “Haha, nice try” and puts it in the inside pocket of his jacket. Downstairs, Cradle Robber and Sam are slow dancing. He’s awkward, she’s tipsy from the champagne. She asks if Bath Victim and his brother were killed by the same thing that killed her niece, and he admits that they were. She says they had it coming, and he’s all “The fuck?”. She whispers in his ear that apparently they killed their father for his money. Sam asks if Cradle Robber’s niece ever had a tragedy in her life, and she admits that when her niece was a teenager, she got in a car accident, and her cousin died.

Dean and Bela return, and Cradle Robber murmurs “He wants me!” to Bela. Sam looks embarrassed while Dean’s grossed out. Bela takes Cradle Robber home, saying that she’ll see them at the cemetery to destroy the hand. Dean looks at Sam and says “You stink like sex.” Hahahaha, GET IT? Sam’s there as eye candy, so he’s basically a woman, so let’s slut shame him! Ugh. (A: More misogyny shots?) Back in the Bromobile, Sam asks to see the hand. Dean pulls out the wrapped bundle, but it’s the ship in a bottle Bela was looking at earlier. Womp womp.

Elsewhere, Bela throws her purse onto the passenger seat of her car, next to several $10,000 wads of cash. She flips through one with a satisfied smirk, then stares out the windscreen of the car towards the ocean. “Oh no…” she says. There’s a creaking noise and we watch as Bela gets out of the car and stares at the ghost ship. Fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, Dean’s super pissed about Bela besting him again. Bela turns up at the Winchester’s House of Squatting, wanting to explain. She admits she had a buyer lined up the second she knew the Hand of Glory existed, and it’s now long gone. Sam says she should just contact the buyer and get it back, but she says there’s no time before reluctantly admitting that she’s seen the ghost ship. Dean’s all “Wow, I knew you were scum, but now I know you’re FAMILY MURDERING scum”, because in case the Anvil of Obviousness didn’t hit us all hard enough, that’s how the ghost ship works. Sam tells Bela that the ship’s captain was the brother of Creepy Dead Sailor, so now CDS goes after people who spilled their own family’s blood.

Dean wants to know who Bela killed, but she says it’s none of his business. He tells her to have a nice life, and starts to leave. Bela begs for their help, and Sam waivers. Dean’s still pissed about her calling them serial killers, but she snaps that she’ll handle it herself, just like always. She sadly turns to leave, but Sam admits that even though the hand is gone, there’s something they can try.

Cut to a cemetery. Sam sets up a complicated ritual. Dean’s convinced it won’t work. Suddenly, it starts thundering and pouring with rain. Sam starts chanting in Latin, and I flail a little because the spell starts with a series of names, and the second name is CASTIEL. But of course, we know nothing of such things. Yet.

Anna May: !!!CASTIEL!!!

K: WE’RE SO CLOSE.

Creepy Dead Sailor appears behind Dean, and throws him across the cemetery. Sam keeps chanting as CDS puts a hand over Bela’s mouth. She starts coughing up water. Dean staggers over to help her. (A: I kind of like that for all he’s been a dick to her this episode, Dean’s not totally heartless when she’s, y’know, dying.) Sam finishes his spell and there’s a creaking sound from behind CDS. He turns to see his brother, the ship’s captain. (A: Who looks weirdly like Joss Whedon???) CDS screams in anger, and his brother apologises. CDS dives at his brother, and the two explode into a wave of water. Bela stops coughing. Fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, Bela walks into the Winchester’s House of Squatting as the boys pack up. She says that she’s come to settle up. She tosses each of them a packet of $5,000. “I don’t like being in anybody’s debt,” she says. Legit, girl. She heads out, and the boys look at each other. Sam’s not sure he wants to take Bela’s dirty money, which is pretty rich coming from someone who commits credit card and insurance fraud on a daily basis. Dean says he knows exactly where it’s going, and we cut to them bro-ing their way to Atlantic City.

En route, Dean says he understands why Sam killed the Crossroads Demon. He would have done the same in Sam’s shoes. He apologises for putting Sam through this, and says Sam’s stronger than he is, and he’ll be able to go on living his life once Dean’s dead. Sam cracks it, telling Dean to stop worrying about him and just give a shit about the fact that he’s dying. Dean’s all “LOL NOPE” and grins. Sam shakes his head in exasperation, and we fade to black.

This episode felt like a lot of recycled bits of other episodes to me. I’m not quite sure why. But basically, the monster of the week felt like an afterthought, and Sam and Dean bickering got really old really quickly as did the Sam-is-a-chew-toy-for-a-horny-old-lady stuff. On the other hand, I loved basically everything about Bela. We get intriguing snippets about her back story, we see her besting the boys once again, we see them reluctantly saving her life, we see her finding it easier to pay them off than say thank you, and we see her being so forthright about sex that she scares Dean Winchester. In short, I may have heart eyes for Bela Talbot.

Anna May: Agreed. I really wasn’t a Bela fan on the first watch, I found her kind of smug, but that smugness is the main reason I like her this time round. The fact that she can effortlessly mess with the Winchester bros is so so entertaining ’cause they have it coming on every possible level. Four for you, Bela, you go Bela.

K: Pretty much exactly.

 

Next time on Supernatural: Gordon’s back and so are vampires. Plus there’s some fabulous crossover magic in S03 E07 – Fresh Blood.