Supernatural S03 E08 – Merry Murdermas

Previously: Harmony became a vampire all over again, and Sam cut off Gordon’s head with a piece of barbed wire.
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A Very Supernatural Christmas

Kirsti: Seattle, one year ago. A grandfather is greeted at the door by his grandson, who asks if his grandfather has brought Christmas presents. The grandfather is all “Pff, NO” because that’s Santa’s job. After the kid’s asleep, the grandfather dresses up as Santa and rings a set of bells. The kid sneaks down the stairs and watches as Grandpa Santa puts presents under the tree. There’s a thump on the roof, and the kid excitedly whispers to himself that it must be reindeer. Some soot falls down the chimney, and Grandpa Santa looks over in surprise before going closer to investigate. Obviously, something grabs him and drags him up the chimney with a series of crunching sounds.

Marines: The Foley guys really went to town with the crunching sounds. Thanks, Foley Guys. -_-

K: No kidding.

The kid looks on in horror as a bloody Santa boot falls onto the hearth. And that’s what happens if you don’t have a damper in your chimney.

FESTIVE SCREENSAVER!

Anna May: So sparkly! I feel all festive.

K: Sparkly, but still kind of murdery.

Ypsilanti, Michigan. Present day. Dean, claiming to be an FBI agent, interviews a woman whose husband has gone missing. She tells him she heard a thump on the roof, then her husband screaming. When she got downstairs, he was gone. The doors were all locked and there were no signs of a struggle. Sam appears from inside, and they thank her for her help and turn to leave. She wants to know what she’s supposed to tell her daughter and why, if her husband’s been kidnapped, there haven’t been any ransom demands. Sam offers their apologies, and they leave. Outside, Sam shows Dean what he found inside – a human tooth sitting in the fireplace. Dean scoffs that a person couldn’t fit up the chimney, and Sam’s all “Yeah, not in one piece”. They decide to research what could have dragged a grown man up a chimney.

At the Motel of the Week, Sam’s in research mode. Dean asks if his suspicions are correct: “Is it the serial killing chimney sweep?“. Sam makes a Mary Poppins joke that falls totally flat because Dean didn’t have a childhood. (M: Exhibit A: This episode.) (A: Can the monster of the week have Dick Van Dyke’s atrocious accent?) (K: Oh, please please please!) Anyway, Dean says that this is the second missing guy this month, and the other one also involved thumping on the roof and then screaming. Sam says he thinks he knows what they’re dealing with: “Evil Santa.” Dean LOLs, but Sam lists off a bunch of different Evil Santas from various cultures. One of them is Belsnickel, and literally all I can think of for the rest of the episode is this:

Aaaaaaaanywho.

Dean says that Santa can’t possibly have an evil twin, because Santa’s not real. Sam says he knows that and Dean’s the one who told him. Excuse me while I have mini-Sam feels. Dean goes on to say that he’s found out that both guys visited the same place before they went missing, and they should check it out.

Cut to a Santa’s Village-y place, full of small children and tinkly music. As the boys walk, Dean says they should celebrate Christmas this year, just like when they were little. Sam doesn’t want to, because it brings back bad childhood memories, and Dean sad pandas a little. That throws us into an Instagram filtered flashback of the boys in 1991. (A: Kind of loled at the transition, with a plastic reindeer staring goofily into Sam’s soul…) Eight year old Sam wraps a present for Papa Winchester in newspaper and twelve year old Dean scoffs at him for it.

Mini!Sam says that Bobby gave it to him to give Papa Winchester, then asks for confirmation that Papa Winchester will be back for Christmas. Mini!Dean assures him that he will. Mini!Sam starts asking a ton of questions about Papa Winchester’s job and insists that he’s old enough to know the truth. Mini!Dean scoffs some more, then Mini!Sam wants to know why they never talk about their mother. Mini!Dean yells that Mini!Sam isn’t allowed to ever talk about Mary, and storms out into the night. I have a lot of feels for both of them.

A: Can we talk about how good the casting for wee!Sam and wee!Dean is? 

K: I KNOW SO GOOD OMG.

Back in the present, Dean bitches about the lack of snow. Sam, still looking feelsy over his flashback, (M: FOR REAL. I laughed so much at his flashback hangover.) says that Evil Santa will have a limp and smell like candy, the better to lure small children in. They look over to where a creepy older dude dressed as Santa has a kid sitting on his knee. A woman in an elf costume asks if they want their kid to see Santa, and Dean says they’re there so Sam can see Santa. She looks confused, and Sam utters the horribly awkward statement “We’re just here to watch“. Elf Girl throws up in her mouth a little and leaves, probably to call the cops.

Mari: I mean, probably not, but it’s what she should do.

K: I know I would.

Dean chuckles, then turns serious when Creepy Santa stands up and limps away. As Creepy Santa passes, Dean says that he totally smelled of candy. Sam thinks it was booze, but says they shouldn’t take the risk. Cut to that night and the boys staking out Creepy Santa’s house in the Bromobile. Dean wants to know why Sam hates Christmas so much, and Sam dodges the question. They see Creepy Santa pull his curtains closed, then hear a woman call out. They run over to the house, guns drawn, and open the door to see Creepy Santa settling in with some porn, some booze and a huge bong. Welp. Merry Christmas.

Creepy Santa drunkenly asks what they’re doing there, and Dean awkwardly starts singing Silent Night. His singing hurts my eardrums, which is sad because Jensen Ackles has a pretty great singing voice. (M: This scene makes me not believe you.) (K: BOOM.) (A: I’m always a little iffy about Jensen in general but he’s got pipes, I’ll give him that.) Anyway, Sam joins in, as does Creepy Drunk Santa, and they make it through like two lines before forgetting the words and improvising. Sam pulls Dean towards the door.

Anna May: Sam and Dean should release a Christmas album. With them improvising all the lyrics.

Mari: Them improvising the lyrics was rather cute. I like to point these things out because mostly I find watching Supernatural consists of most me going, “what is eeeeveeeen happening?”

K: Mostly the improvised lyrics gave me feels because their childhood was so shitty that they don’t know the words to Silent Night…

Cut to a big fancy house. A little boy comes downstairs to stare at the Christmas tree just as Evil Santa comes down the chimney. He stares in confusion as Evil Santa goes upstairs to his parents’ bedroom. There are screams, then Evil Santa returns, dragging a wriggling sack behind him. There’s a gross ripping noise as Evil Santa kills the guy in the sack right in front of the kid. He closes in on the kid, and the kid looks terrified, but Evil Santa reaches past him to snag a cookie before going back up the chimney. Fade to black.

Anna May: And then little Jimmy went to therapy for ever and ever the end.

K: Basically.

After the Not Commercial Break, the boys interview the victim’s wife. She’s got no useful information for the boys because it was dark and she was mostly asleep. Sam spots a wreath above the fireplace and asks where she got it. She and Dean are both confused about why he wants to know. Interview over, Dean asks what the deal was with the wreath, and implies that Sam’s a girl for noticing because HAHAHAHA GIRLS ARE FEEBLE.

Mari: And we definitely always notice decorations! 

K: Sam gives his brother bitchface and informs him that the previous victim’s house had a wreath exactly the same. They head back to the Motel of the Week and consult Bobby. Apparently it’s NOT Evil Santa, and the wreaths are probably made of meadowsweet, which is the most powerful plant in pagan lore. It was used to draw the gods to human sacrifices. Sam mentions that it makes sense to make wreathes out of it, because most Christian traditions are actually pagan.

Dean looks confused because “Christmas is Jesus’ birthday“, and Sam’s all “Hahahahaha, you poor ignorant fool”, and rattles off a bunch of facts to back it up. He goes on to say that he’s pretty sure they’re dealing with Hold Nickar, the god of the winter solstice. He consults his laptop and finds that when you make sacrifices to Hold Nickar, you get mild weather in exchange. Like the total lack of snow they’re having at the moment.

Mari: I briefly wondered why human for mild weather would even be a thing, but I live in a place of no snow. I bet a few northerners are thinking, “I don’t know…”

K: Hold Nickar would be totally fucked in Australia.

Anna May: And here in the UK a sacrifice to Hold Nickar would make absolutely no difference whatsoever. Except maybe marginally less rain.

K: They head off to find out where the wreathes are coming from.

They end up at a Christmas store, and make up a terrible cover story as to why they’re looking for a meadowsweet wreath. The guy gets kinda judgey, and then says that he’s sold out. Dean asks why he’d make wreathes out of something as expensive as meadowsweet anyway, and the guy says he didn’t make them. It was a local woman named Madge Carrigan, and she gave them to him for free.

Motel of the Week. Sam says that a meadowsweet wreath would cost at least a few hundred dollars to make, and it’s totally suspect that Madge was giving them away. Dean starts gushing about a wreath made of beer cans that Papa Winchester stole from a bottle shop one year, and Sam asks why he’s suddenly so pro-Christmas. Dean eventually admits that it’s because it’s his last Christmas. Sam says tearfully that that’s exactly why he can’t do Christmas this year. He can’t pretend to be all cheerful when he knows that his brother will be dead soon. They both sad panda.

Anna May: I was wondering when the “DEAN IS DYING” manfeels were going to turn up.

K: Instagram flashback. Mini!Dean comes back in with a bag of junk food and tosses some to Mini!Sam. Mini!Sam stares at his brother and says “I know why you sleep with a gun under your pillow.” I have a million feels because OH MY GOD HE WAS TWELVE AND SLEPT WITH A FREAKING GUN UNDER HIS PILLOW THAT’S SO WRONG. He continues that he knows why they put salt at the doors and windows too. Mini!Dean insists that Mini!Sam knows nothing, but Mini!Sam pulls out the Filofax of Shadows and gives Mini!Dean his best eight year old bitchface.

Mini!Sam flat out asks if monsters are real, and Mini!Dean sags. He swears he’ll kick his brother’s butt if he tells Papa Winchester he said anything. He starts off with “Well, the first thing you have to know is we have the coolest dad in the world. He’s a superhero.” I have some more feels, because DEAN JUST WANTS HIS FATHER TO LOVE HIM AND PAPA WINCHESTER IS AN ABUSIVE PIECE OF SHIT.

Anna May: MINUS TEN MILLION PARENT POINTS FOR YOU PAPA WINCHESTER.

Mari: They are abandoned near Christmas, eating Funions, and he’s sleeping with a gun under his pillow, and he thinks his dad is a superhero. Terrible.

K: SRSLY.

He goes on to say that Papa Winchester hunts monsters. Mini!Sam freaks that the monsters will get him, and Mini!Dean reassures him that it’ll never happen. Mini!Sam tearfully says that he just wants to go to sleep. Mini!Dean assures him that Papa Winchester will be home for Christmas and that everything will be okay in the morning, but Mini!Sam just curls up and cries silently. Fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, Sam and Dean walk up to a fancy house and knock on the door. A middle-aged woman who looks like she’s just escaped from Leave It To Beaver answers the door. They ask if she’s Madge, the wreath maker, and she cheerfully admits that she is. They ask if she has any more, and she says she’s sold out. Dean asks why she used meadowsweet, and she says that it’s the smell. Her husband – in a ridiculous cardigan and carrying a pipe – comes downstairs and is equally Stepford creepy. The boys leave.

Motel of the Week, that night. Dean sharpens a massive stake as Sam double checks some facts on the computer. Sam discovers that the Stepford Creepers lived in Seattle a year ago and a bunch of people disappeared there just before Christmas. And most of the Christmas decorations in their house were pagan plants. Dean finishes sharpening his stake, which – following advice from Bobby – is made of evergreen.

They head over to the Stepford Creepers’ house and break in. They creep around by flashlight and find a locked door leading to the basement. Because they’re not very bright and clearly don’t remember that all basements are the Basement of Don’t Go In There, they go down into the basement. It’s full of bloody body-chopping-up equipment and general grossness, and the boys are disgusted. Sam finds a bloody sack on the wall and pokes at it. It starts moving, because whoever’s inside it is still alive. Just then, the Stepford Creepers turn up and attack the boys. Dean gets knocked out, and Sam’s being held in midair. His flashlight passes over their faces, which turn grotesque and monster-like under the light. Fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, the boys come to tied to chairs in the Stepford Creepers’ kitchen, a number of bowls and knives set out beside them. The Stepford Creepers come in, wearing Christmas jumpers. They correctly identify each other as hunters and pagan gods, and Dean suggests they all just go their separate ways. Mr Stepford Creeper scoffs. Sam sasses that maybe they shouldn’t have killed humans if they didn’t want to have hunters chasing them. Mrs Stepford Creeper replies that they used to kill thousands of people, and now they take a handful a year.

Mari: They also wear ugly sweaters, though, and that should be counted toward their crimes against humanity.

K: Truth.

Dean sasses at them, and Mr Stepford Creeper snaps that he should respect them. “Or what? You’ll eat us?” Sam scoffs. Nope. There are rituals to do first. Mrs Stepford Creeper places wreaths of dried meadowsweet around the boys’ necks. Mr Stepford Creeper approaches Sam with a knife, slices his arm, and collects the blood in a bowl. Sam screams, and Dean yells at them to leave his brother alone. The Stepford Creepers get pissy about their attitude some more, because “back in the day, we were worshipped by millions.” Apparently Jesus ruined everything for them. Hahahaha. Amazing.

The Stepford Creepers talk about how they assimilated into society, hiding in plain sight. Dean says they’re not hiding as well as they think. Mrs Stepford Creeper slices his arm and collects his blood. He calls her a bitch, and she tells him that he owes a nickel to the swear jar, and that he should say “fudge” instead of swearing. Mr Stepford Creeper approaches Sam with a huge pair of pliers. Mrs Stepford Creeper holds the knife to Dean’s other arm, and he says “You fudging touch me again, and I’ll fudging kill you!” which I find oddly hilarious. (A: +1.)

Mr Stepford Creeper pulls out one of Sam’s fingernail and I have to hide behind a pillow because NYARGH.

Anna May: NYARGH is right. *hides hands protectively*

Mari: I thought it was going to be a tooth and FREAKED OUT. Nail was still REALLY BAD.

K: Weirdly, I’d prefer tooth to nail.

Sam screams. The Stepford Creepers stir the ingredients together in the bowl, then realise they forgot a tooth. (M: WHAT? OMG NO PLEASE.) (A: Mari you jinxed it…!) They shove a pair of giant pliers into Dean’s mouth, but they’re interrupted by the doorbell. “Somebody gonna get that? You should get that…” Dean mumbles through the pliers. The Stepford Creepers exchange a look and head to the door. Dean sighs in relief.

The Stepford Creepers answer the door to a cheerful neighbour in a Christmas jumper. She gives them a fruitcake and asks if they want to come carolling. They make feeble excuses, and say they’ll see her at bridge in a few days. After she leaves, they drop the fruitcake on the floor. Mr Stepford Creeper stands on it on their way back to the kitchen.

When they get to the kitchen, the boys are gone. They stare in surprise, then the two kitchen doors slam closed. We see the boys struggling to hold them closed. Dean jams his closed with a drawer, and goes to help Sam. He asks Sam what they’re going to do, because their stakes are in the basement. Sam points out the ornate Christmas tree, and OH MY GOD, SERIOUSLY???? Why the hell would pagan gods keep the very thing that would kill them IN THEIR LIVING ROOM???? Just claim an allergy to pine and buy a fucking plastic tree. Ugh.

Mari: But then we wouldn’t have that authentic Christmas smell! 

Just kidding. This is stupid.

K: The boys move a dresser in front of the door to keep it shut, then knock over the Christmas tree, yanking off branches. (M: All I could think was “BUFFY BREAK!”) (K: Awww. I’d forgotten about the Buffy Break! NOSTALGIA SHOTS.) They head towards the suspiciously silent kitchen only to be attacked by the Stepford Creepers. There’s a bit of a fight that it looks like the Stepford Creepers will win, then Sam manages to stake Mrs Stepford Creeper. Mr Stepford Creeper screams her name, and his distraction lets Dean stake him in the chest. The Stepford Creepers lie dead on the floor as the boys breathe heavily. “Merry Christmas…” Sam says. Fade to black.

Anna May: FA LA-LA LA-LA, LA-LA LA LA.

K: After the Not Commercial Break, we’re in another Instagram flashback. Mini!Sam wakes to find a sad looking tree and a bunch of nicely wrapped presents in their motel room. Mini!Dean insists that Papa Winchester was there, and he tried to wake Mini!Sam. He urges Mini!Sam to open his presents. They all turns out to be dolls and batons, and Mini!Dean reluctantly admits that Papa Winchester was never there and he stole them from the fancy house down the block. FEELS.

Mini!Dean says that Papa Winchester would be there if he could, and looks sad. Mini!Sam finds the present he wrapped for Papa Winchester and hands it to his brother. He wants Mini!Dean to have it, he says. Papa Winchester lied to him. His brother told him the truth. Mini!Dean looks feelsy and opens the present to find the amulet that he’s been wearing since the pilot. His eyes get wide, and he tells Mini!Sam that he loves it as he slips it over his head.

Anna May: Okay great I forgot about that bit and now I have a lot of unexpected feelings.

K: Legit.

Back in the present, Dean returns to the Motel of the Week to find that Sam’s Christmas-ified their room. Dean’s surprised. Sam hands him some eggnog and asks if it needs some more kick. Dean drinks it and makes a face. (Sidenote: Jared slipped booze into the eggnog without Jensen knowing, so his reaction is legit. As is Jared’s little smirk.)

Mari: That. is. fantastic. I think I like Jared’s big smile most of all. It gives me happiness.

K: Don’t get used to smiling Winchesters, Mari. We only have that one because Jared broke character…

Anna May: Still adorable though. We take what we can get…

K: True.

They smile at each other, then exchange gifts which all turn out to have been bought at the petrol station down the road. Dean bought Sam porn magazines and shaving cream, while Sam got Dean motor oil and a chocolate bar. They’re really bad at this Christmas thing, bless them.

They toast to Christmas with their boozy eggnog, and both look feelsy. Dean starts to say something, then sees the look on Sam’s face and just asks if he wants to watch the game. They settle in to watch some football, and the camera pulls back. We watch through the window of the Motel of the Week as the snow falls and the boys have their last Christmas together. (Except, you know, NOT. Because this show never ends…) (A: EVER. *muffled season 11 grumbling*) Fade to black.

This episode is fun, in a filler-y sort of way. I adored the flashbacks because Mini!Dean and Mini!Sam are my absolute favourites, and I loved the idea of Evil Santa. I was a little disappointed that it WASN’T Evil Santa, and that pagan gods proved so easy to kill. So, you know, there’s some great stuff in there. But there’s also a fair bit of meh.

Anna May: Pretty middle of the pack for me, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. The Stepford Creepers were good value for what they were, and the brother moments gave me a lot of unexpected feelings. Especially wee!Sam and wee!Dean.

Mari: I was entertained. The myth portions of the plot always seems to lack substance, but there were a few nice brother moments in here. I’m not really sure what to say about this show because it’s basically just hot guys defeating monsters that can be defeated in one episode. So, yes, hot guys were present. Monsters defeated. SEE YOU NEXT TIME! 

 

Next time on Supernatural: There’s something witchy going on, and it doesn’t involve Willow Rosenberg in S03 E09 – Malleus Maleficarum.