Previously: Trey was all kinds of trouble during a Newport yard sale. The fiend.
—
The Rager
Rachel: Sandy’s having his morning coffee, thinking about what kind of bagel he feels like this morning. Ryan’s brother, Trey, also recognized as “NOT Gavin DeGraw” walks into the kitchen. Today’s the day! Today’s the day Trey moves out of the Cohen commune and into his own place. Sandy’s all like “PRAISE! I have enough troubled youth on my hands, but call me if you need anything.” Trey’s like, “Nah, I’m ok. You guys have done too much for me already. Not many people would take in an ex-con; Ryan’s lucky to have you.”
BROTHER BURN.
Marines: Oh my goodness, that was a brother burn! I didn’t even realize it, mostly because I spend so much time wishing the Cohens would adopt me.
Rachel: They shake hands, and Sandy’s eyebrows wish Trey good luck. (M: It means extra coming from the eyebrows.)
Sandy offers Trey a bagel and a ride to his new place. He declines the bagel (who declines a bagel?!) but accepts the ride.
Ryan swaggers in and Sandy heads out. NOT Gavin DeGraw and Ryan have an angsty, yet tender, broment. Trey offers his hand and his apology, and Ryan wants to take it, but he just can’t. Cue the “womp womp womp” music. Ryan grabs a cup of coffee. Personally, I think y’all are a little young for coffee, but Ryan’s been through some shit, so everyone just lets the coffee slide.
Mari: Once you’ve been in juvie, I think you’ve earned a little coffee.
Rachel: The credits roll.
No-bra Marissa approaches Seth and Ryan at their surf sticker decorated lockers. (M: These lockers do not say, “we’ve been through some shit.”) She heard Trey was moving out today. She thinks the gang should drop by with a housewarming gift. Ryan’s all like “Uh, he’s got everything,” and Seth counters with some Mary Poppins’ joke that embarrassed himself, and everyone around him. Mariss (may I call her Mariss?) rolls her eyes. Seth tells Ryan to forgive his brother, and Ryan’s just not about that yet. He broods off to class.
Kirsten, who I feel I know well enough to call Kiki, or Keeks if need be, is killin’ it with her middle-part and soft curls, and is just about to pat herself on the shoulder for a successful white-people magazine launch. Ambiguously attractive Carter with the beard comes in exclaiming “Well, you’re officially a magazine publisher!” Keeks is all like “yeah, I did it! Go me!” and he’s like “Nah girl, we’ve been hit with our first libel suit.”
OH NO!
Carter’s scathing article about Nick Morton was not well received by its’ subject. Oh well, no time to worry about that! Julie’s on her way into the office. She’s been in Rome, hiding out because of that whole sex tape incident. Kiki is dreading telling Julie (Juju) that they took her off the cover due to the scandal, and is dreaming about that nice glass of pinot she’ll reward herself with after the tough convo.
Julie’s here, YAY! Everyone’s excited! Kiki begins stammering about the cover. There were angry letters. The advertisers were going to cancel, yadda, yadda, yadda. Julie, oddly enough, seems unfazed. It was the right decision. What? Who is this understanding gem of a woman? We don’t know her! She smiles, flips her hair and sashays out of the office. (M: The sashay looks a little familiar.)
Cut to Zach and Seth in their matching polos, drinking coffee between classes. These Orange County Kids and their caffeine addiction. They’re discussing their upcoming meeting with Reed at Bad Science, a comic book company interested in developing their Atomic County project. Zach thinks it’s best if he speaks in the meeting, but Seth’s like, “No! I can do it! Look into my honest eyes!”
Reed already loves the project—nerd alert—and the meeting should be a breeze! He’s driving all the way from LA, you guys.
Zach is so dopey, yet so dreamy! Summer slinks in wearing a pink satin disaster of a shirt and squeezes herself in between Seth and Zach—story of her season 2 life, AM I RIGHT? (M: Pretty much. All episode, every episode.)
Zach abruptly exists, leaving Seth and Summer in an awkward pool of hormones. She tells Seth she doesn’t care about his comic book and doesn’t want to know about his relationship with back and then is like, OK BYE!
Sandy is working oh his super-hip surfboard coffee table in his new Oceanside office space. Carter pops into talk about the libel suit. He fills Sandy in and as Sandy tosses around his luscious locks, he calls Nick Morton a sleazebag. He can’t wait to dig into the case! He invites his new buddy Carter to go surfing the next morning. He’s super-excited about the man-date, which they can conveniently tell Kiki was a business meeting.
Marissa and her nipples show up at Trey’s door bearing a gift—a lava lamp (weird). (M: …the lava lamp or the nipples?) She lies about Ryan wanting to come with her, and NOT Gavin DeGraw sees right through it and invites her in.
Well, his only furniture is a beanbag chair, so Marissa’s gift actually turned out to be spot on! He tells her the beanbag chair was an early birthday gift to himself. “OH a birthday!” Marissa thinks to herself. She’s already dreaming about the party she’s going to throw. We’ve gotta have a party in every episode, so this is just great!
It’s the big 2-1. He makes a little funny about how after being in prison, buying beer seems a little anticlimactic. Those Atwood boys, they’ve done some livin’. Trey offers Marissa a drink, but then tells her he only owns one glass. And it’s dirty—woof. She declines and skips back to the right side of the tracks.
Seth, Zach and their polos walk into a restaurant for their meeting with Reed, lover of graphic novels and person in control of their creative destiny, but wait!
OMG, REED IS A GIRL!
Mari: They sure know how to keep these developments fast and furious!
Rachel: “He’s a she! That’s terribe!” Seth whines. Seth cannot even. He literally can’t.
They approach Reed and get to it. Compliments are thrown and suddenly, Seth is lovin’ it! He can’t get enough Reed! But then she’s complimenting Zach. And now he’s lovin’ it! It’s a duel. Creatively, Seth wins. From a business perspective, Zach is nailin’ it.
Marissa is now back in the nice part of town. She stops by the Cohen household and Ryan answers the door. He invites her in and offers her a drink. Those Atwood boys, nothing if not polite!
Marissa pitches the birthday party. Ryan hates it. She offers up her house for a poolside soiree, he begrudgingly agrees, because it’s the right thing to do. He’s still pretty effing furious that Maris went against his wishes and went to visit him. “Why did you visit him? Why are you throwing him a party? HE’S MY BROTHER!” Ryan barks and Marissa retreats in tears.
Mari: It’s kind of mean for Ryan to be all barky and growly but I can’t say why everyone is so eager to help Trey when all he does is steal stuff from people and make you think he’s doing the right thing long enough to then do the wrong thing.
Rachel: The next morning, Seth wakes Ryan up with a steaming cup of Joe under his nose. SERIOUSLY? THESE KIDS AND THE COFFEE! Don’t they want to be 5”10’ like Cindy Crawford?
Ryan’s all like “YAY COFFEE!” and then Seth takes it back for himself—RUDE.
Mari: He woke him up and didn’t give him coffee. Season 1 Ryan would’ve thrown a punch. Guaranteed.
Seth, being so Seth, woke up bursting to talk to Ryan about himself. He’s all “I love Summer. Reed is a colleague, but like, she can’t like Zach more wahhhhhhh!” Ryan tells Seth about the fight with Mariss, and Seth ultimately thinks the party sounds like a great idea.
Cut to Julie and Marissa, reuniting for the first time since Juju’s return to the states. Julie brags about her trip. Marissa sasses her about why she’s home early. Julie’s phone rings, and she asks for an address and hurries out. She’s up to no good, but makes a dinner date with Maris for later that night.
Julie retreats to her desk where she opens a curious-looking red box to reveal, GASP, a gun!
WTF Julie? What are you doing? Also, that gun is weird.
Mari: It looks really fancy. Because Julie Cooper is gonna murder your ass in style.
Rachel: It’s the morning of Sandy and Carter’s man-date! After a little surfing, the pair head back to the car where they meet the bikini-wearin’ Orthopedist with the hot bod, Erin. She had just finished reading Carter’s article, what a coincidence! She offers her surfing services to Carter, and the group plans a couple-fest to commence later on.
OH LOOK, SUMMER AND MARISSA ARE DRINKING COFFEE FOR A CHANGE. I don’t know why there isn’t an official drinking game created solely based on the number of cups of coffee you see in one episode of The O.C.
Mari: There are many drinking games around Snark HQ/Traumaland but not this one. People who value their lives need not participate.
Rachel: Marissa’s whining about her fight with Ryan. Summer’s half-listening, but mostly pondering if she should get bangs or not. Summer’s all “everyone should just chill,” and Seth and Zach walk in, still drooling over Reed—Summer, you’re so last season. Their matching polos have been replaced with coordinating messenger bags. Seth doesn’t want Reid to date Zach because she works with them and they continue bickering about boundaries.
Summer decides she’d like to be kept in the loop about the comic book—good girlfriend move. If it’s important to Seth, it’s important to her.
Back to Julie and her gun! She shows up at the pervert ex-boyfriend’s sleazy motel room and holds him at gunpoint. She’s such a badass in her slutty trench coat.
Julie’s pissed. She wants revenge. She doesn’t want her teenage daughters to find out that she’s a pornographer. It’s also incredibly entertaining that she refers to herself as such.
The Pervert begs, “please, be reasonable.”
“You ruined the life I built.” Pull. The. Trigger.
Alas, the gun wasn’t loaded. She had no intention of killing him, just to make him feel like his life was ending. JULIE, WHAT A STUD!
Back at the Cohen compound, Seth, for a change, pops into the pool house to chat with Ryan. He wants Thai food for dinner. What happens to be located en route to the Thai place? Trey’s house, of course! Seth wins, and they set off for dinner and some family time.
Inside, Sandy kisses hoop earring-wearing Kiki “hello.” He’s just bursting to tell her about his date with Carter. He says the sparks between Erin and Carter were explosive—Kiki is seething with jealousy.
As Seth and Ryan pull up to Trey’s apartment, they see him get into a suspicious-looking Camaro. Like any sleuthing sibling, they followed the creep mobile. We wait, anxiously, as Trey climbs out of the car and hands some money to a grimy, longhaired hooligan.
Cut to the next morning, Ryan banging on Trey’s door. As the door swings open, Ryan lunges at his brother. “WHAT IS IT? Coke? Speed?” he shouts.
Trey, never-innocent Trey, pulls out a business card belonging to his parole officer… who had picked him up in his (creeper) Camaro the night before and took him to meet an old prison pal. The exchange of money? Well, that was just giving a down and out friend a helping hand. Ryan, either ashamed, or unconvinced, bows his head. Trey, lip quivering, tells his baby bro he thought he was there to take him out for a birthday breakfast. Guy just wanted some chocolate chip pancakes, ya know?
Mari: Well he should’ve thought of that before he got into a shady Camaro. I think. I’m pretty sure I missed the lesson here.
Rachel: With his head still hanging, Ryan heads off to Marissa’s to tell her what happened and give her the go-ahead to plan his birthday party. FINALLY! Marissa’s been raring to go on this party for days!
At the Pier, Reed flips through pages of Atomic County as Seth chugs coffee. Obviously. Seth totes didn’t invite Zach to this meeting. Oops! His bad! He spends the time burning Zach and goes as far as to ask Reed if she got a gay vibe from him? Well…
Seth’s flip-phone (THROWBACK!) rings and he answers with a high-pitched “hey girlfriend!” Summer asks Seth to meet her when he leaves Reed, who says something geeky in the background and Summer’s all “WHAT. I hear dat ho!”
Mari: Because Reed is RUDE and keeps talking to Seth even though he’s on a phone call. Who are you, lady?
Rachel: Seth ends the convo and tells Reed it was his mom and she’s all “lol you call your mom girlfriend?”
Next up, special delivery for Mrs. Cooper-Nickel! What could the package Julie received be? Hard copies of her porno of course!
Mariss knocks on Trey’s door and pulls him into the car— we’re goin’ out, birthday boy! He locks up—god forbid someone steals his beanbag chair.
She drives him to her house where Seth, Summer and Ryan are waiting with some chips, dips and birthday signs. Ryan goes in for the handshake—we wait—and Trey pulls him in for a hug. It’s all good! Plus, there are hot dogs!
Mari: The long dramatic pause was my favorite. If only we could hear Trey’s inner monologue. “Should I go in for the handshake? Should shake his hand? I do steal a lot of stuff and get in shady Camaros. Should I do it? NAH I’M GOING IN FOR THE HUG. COME HERE BRO. HUG TIME.”
Rachel: Julie pops in to let Marissa know she’s going out and tells her to keep the shindig under control. Since Trey is newly 21 after all, Julie says he can have one beer. One beer? Who has ever had just one beer?
They wave Julie off—have fun with the Perv, Juju!
Carter and the hot doc are at the Cohen’s for dinner. Kiki’s got a bottle of rose ready to rock and Sandy’s eyebrows are feelin’ alright! As Kirsten sees the attraction between Carter and Dr. Hottie, she seethes with jealousy. Sandy’s all “come see our beautiful patio and the beautiful sunset!” Kiki’s all like, “you guys go ahead,” because, WINE. Seriously, y’all, she’s chugging wine.
Mari: Maybe she’s playing the Coffee Drinking Game. Gotta catch up.
Rachel: Julie heads into a seedy bar with The Pervert. He brought her tapes. All of them. He’s terrified of her, as he should be. They start chatting and the truth comes out:
CALEB DIDN’T PAY THE 500K FOR THE TAPES? Boom!
HE HAD YOU BEAT UP? Kapow!
The Pervert assumed Caleb would just pay up and hide the scandal, protect his wife and make the situation disappear, but he didn’t, and Julie is PISSED. The Pervert is being kind of sweet, and well, Caleb is now the bad guy. Julie is troubled. She asks The Perv to buy her a drink. Oh, how the tables have turned.
Back at Marissa’s, the hot dog party has gone wild! There’s a full-blown party starting. Zach walks in with Reed. Seth pretends not to know her. Marissa says, “Reed looks older, you know, like she’s in college.” Seth drags Summer off to see some fake magic tricks to keep her out of Reed’s way.
There’s a knock at the door. A pretty-ish blonde shows up and suddenly there are hundreds of Abercrombie-scented teens pouring into the house!
Mari: This is a TV thing that 100% doesn’t happen in real life, right? I have never arrived at a party with 100 other people. Thinking of that messed up parking situation for one moment.
Rachel: There are grinding bodies in bikinis! Tongues out! Body oil! Girls going wild! Well, this escalated quickly!
Tequila shots. Groping. More shots. Half-dressed drunkards splashing in the pool. Solo cups everywhere.
WHAT IS HAPPENING? HOW OLD ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Mari: Underaged coffee drinking must be a gateway thing.
Rachel: Seth asks some bros in varsity jackets where Zach is. They answer by shoving him around. Trey steps in and grabs Bro Number One around his neck.
“I GOT A GAME TOMORROW MAN! Stop it!” Bro barks. Trey wipes his nose. What’s up with that, snowman?
A pretty blonde wearing the gotta-have-it Tiffany’s necklace of 2002 sidles up the Trey, tugging her waistband down to reveal her tattoo… of a Buddha smoking a joint. That’s a real thing, you guys. Tiffany is somethin’ and Trey is lovin’ it. She leads Trey by the hand off to a brothel, or a bedroom at least.
Zach and Seth exchange words and Seth realized Reed told Zach everything from their meeting… including the gay vibe comment. Woops! Luckily, Zach doesn’t want to fight and they hug it out, minus the hug.
Tiffany and Trey are all alone. She loves that he just got out of prison—she’s all over it! He tells her he was in for stealing cars and that this is his birthday party. She kisses him and tells him it’s time to open his present. Oh boy!
(They’re totally in Marissa’s room. I would recognize that purple care bear anywhere- EW!)
Mari: Watching Tiffany sidle sexily up to Marissa’s Care Bear made me seriously L.O.L.
Back at the bar, Julie is wasted with The Perv. Great Jules, doin’ just great. They’re reminiscing and having a good ole time when suddenly, Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” pours from the jukebox and she’s all “OMG WHITESNAKE!” (M: I would expect no other reaction from JuJu.)
At the rager, there’s more grinding and groping and teenagers behaving badly.
The bathroom is trashed, and there’s an orgy in the shower, but Summer’s like “Whatev, lemme just touch up my lip gloss!”
She meets Reed, also touching up her gloss game. Reed asks her if she’s ever seen the cartoon character Little Miss Vixen, who Seth modeled after her. UH-OH! When Summer realized that Reed is a she, she turns 50 shades of furious. (M: 50 Shades are bad words around here.)
Seth is being super-Seth, obsessing over himself and Summer runs off. Zach and Reed are heading out and Summer totally cockblocks him and asks them for a ride home. Great, now Seth’s sad and Zach’s smug and Reed’s lipstick looks great.
Mari: I really liked Zach for a hot second. Smug is not a good a look on him as polos and messenger bags.
As if the saga of Julie and The Pervert weren’t predictable enough, “Every Rose Has Its’ Thorn” starts a playin’. They’re slow dancing, singing together and taking shots. This is Riverside Julie and she needs to get her life right.
He creepily says “baby, I think it’s time to get you home.” EW. Luckily, Julie does NOT want to go home! She’s the drunkest and she’s all “wahhhh, Caleb is going to leave me! I’m going to be poor again! WAHHH!” Caleb is over Julie and Julie is basically under The Pervert. The Perv confesses his lifelong love for Julie and how she’s awoken him from his pathetic, sad existence. He feels responsible for everything that’s happened to Julie and he offers to take care of Caleb. WUT?
More oil, gyrating and groping. OH GREAT. Now the teens are doing coke! COME ON YOU GUYS. All we had junior year was wine coolers and natty light!
Mari: We weren’t Newport rich, though. These kids have a lounge area in their high school. Surely, they can access coke.
Rachel: Ryan’s lookin’ fine and he and Marissa head back inside to chat. There’s a threesome in her bed, and it isn’t even Trey and Tiff! How much underage sex was had in that one bed? WOOF.
TIFFANY IS FACEDOWN IN THE POOL!
Ryan and Seth get to work on the CPR. (M: CPR on TV! TAKE NOTE OTHER TV SHOWS!)
Back at the whitest dinner party ever held, Carter and Sandy are lovin’ life, Kiki is boozin’ away, and Erin, well, she’s just kind of there.
Sandy gets the call. OH NO! The kids are in trouble! Gotta go!
Kiki and Erin are left alone. Luckily, WINE.
The ladies clean up and Kiki tries to turn Erin against Carter. He’s divorced, not over his ex, blah, blah blah. Kiki—that was low. You’re semi-happily married. Let Carter get his, ya know?
Mari: And she’s married to the EYEBROWS so I don’t even know where this “semi” is coming from. I’m over Kiki and this whole sub-plot. LET THIS MARRIAGE BE HAPPY, DAMMIT.
Rachel: The paramedics are carting Tiffany off and Trey runs up to Ryan. (Where the hell has he been?) Thank god, Sandy’s here to save the day.
The cops handcuff Marissa in what’s the first of many incidents leading to Marissa’s destructive downward spiral through the next two seasons. They found a bag of ecstasy and claim they’ve must take in whoever is responsible for the home—unless someone cops to the drugs.
Mari: UM, WHAT? THIS IS CERTAINLY NOT HOW YOU POLICE. Marissa isn’t even the owner of the house. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Rachel: Trey steps in. He brought the drugs. It’s his fault. Sandy’s like STFU I’LL MEET YOU AT THE JAIL!
Ryan is devastated. Marissa is fine. Ryan rolls his eyes as the cops haul his brother off…yet again.
LE SIGH! The life of the Atwood men.
Mari: I’m betting they need another cup of coffee right about now.
Next time on The OC: The original four try to help Trey out of drug dealer charges in S02 E20 – The O.C. Confidential.
Wife. Writer. Gossip Girl. Loves: Yoga. Beyonce. Vodka. Hates: Parties not thrown in my honor.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
