The OC S02 E20 – Cheater-feels

Previously: Trey gets a birthday party because somehow these people still think they can throw parties and everything will be okay.
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The O.C. Confidential

Jessica: Cohen Kitchen: Eating cereal before school in ironed shirts and perfectly styled hair. Sure, I’ll go with this. Seth and Ryan are discussing the night before when someone almost drowned in a pool. Ryan claims that although Trey confessed, he couldn’t possibly be a drug dealer and he understands all about the desire to “save Marissa Cooper”. Seth seems to think it’s something in their DNA, much like oddly styled hair. I don’t know much about this show, I suspect because I was heavily invested in Desperate Housewives during this time period (a choice I stand behind after watching this episode). But I do know I have always intensely disliked Marissa Cooper. So I have instant dislike for Ryan and his Marissa-saving brother.

Marines: If saving Marissa is genetic, it’s definitely some sort of faulty mutation is all I’m saying.

Jessica: Back in this land where the LOLPD is willing to take the word of some teenagers rather than “investigating” or “questioning other people”, Seth says it doesn’t matter because Sandy Cohen will get him off the hook. Sandy enternounces that he’s not so sure and Trey will be sleeping in the pool house. Also, is this a thing? If I deal drugs to you and you almost drown in a pool am I liable?

Mari: I DON’T KNOW. Nothing made sense at the end of last episode where they almost arrested Marissa and the cop was all “I don’t know. I have to arrest ~*someone*~.” 

Jessica: Since Sandy couldn’t get him off just by telling the judge he’s a super nice guy, Ryan decides he’s “gotta do something” and Seth somehow mind-reads that he’s planning a Buddy Cop scenario. I don’t know how he jumped to that conclusion either, but let’s just move right along. The plan is to go all 21 Jumpstreet (also a superior show to this one) and have an undercover high school sting operation. What manner of high school is this where you don’t already know exactly who the drug dealers are? And how is this “undercover” exactly? You know, just going to their own school, as themselves? I think the people who watched this show grew up to be the writers of Pretty Little Liars. (But Seth wants to be Richard Greico! Yes, Please!)

CAAAALIFOOORNIAAAAA, HERE WE COME

Sweet Fancy Moses, how are we only just now to the opening credits?

Mari: Oh, girl. Seems like you are in for a long recapping experience.

Jessica: Sandy and his wife (the google informs me her name is Kirsten) are on the phone discussing their pool house visitor. (Can I just mention that asking your spouse if this is okay AFTER you have presumably agreed to a legally binding custody situation is a pretty crappy thing to do. Even if I can already tell from this conversation his wife wants to be a cheatery cheater.)

So they are canceling the (not even overnight) trip to Santa Barbara since whatever court hears cases about low level drug charges moves at the speed of light in the O. C. Or perhaps he’s such an incompetent lawyer that he needs to prepare heavily for this and doesn’t have any interns or other cases to work on? I’m not really sure which is less believable.

Mari: His wife is rich and he only seems to ever have cases of friends and family. I think this is just how he lawyers.

Jessica: Kirsten has a lady boner for Carter and is quite offended that he might invite a woman along on the trip. I need a trip to wine country as a payment for having to watch this.

Mari: Story of the Snark Lady life, my friend.

Jessica: Marissa’s mom: She’s been on the screen for approximately 2 seconds, hasn’t spoken a word, and I can already guess everything you need to know about her- she used to be poor (I’m guessing stripper?) and she married some kind of Sugar Daddy. Marissa’s hair is dressed for a day at kindergarten and she she helpfully explains some back story for us- she had a few people over, drugs and alcohol were consumed, and someone almost drowned in the pool. Am I supposed to assume that the police were going to arrest Marissa simply because the party was at her house? Because again I’m going to mention the parallels to PLL here.

Julie (Stripper!Mom) isn’t going to punish Marissa because then she would have to tell Caleb (Sugar Daddy, I presume). Caleb is coming home and she is planning a “party for two” to celebrate. (A+ to Marissa for attempting to register a look of disgust for this!) (M: It’s the attempt that counts!) Sleeping with Caleb is quite the personal sacrifice but she has to do it to keep a roof over their heads. Uh, we have a name for sleeping with people you find repulsive in exchange for financial gain. Marissa promises to go somewhere else so Julie and Caleb can “personal sacrifice” all night long.

High School: Summer is talking to Dawson Leery’s Hair Twin (DLHT) about how she feels betrayed for being led to believe that Reed is a she not a he. DLHT is clearly okay with this and wants to get in her pants. Or her feelings. Oh, and something about comic books.

Adorable Seth with his adorable hair and adorable face come sit down and she immediately forgives him because he’s the most adorable thing that has every happened in the history of TV. Oh wait, it’s still paused. Let’s see what actual, stupid thing happens instead. Well. His flower and tickets to Death Cab are almost as adorable as my fantasy recap.

Zach continues his Seth-blocking by telling Seth that if he had an email about meeting with the infamous Reed tonight at her house because she has some “notes” for the graphic novel. Yes, most adult females invite teenage boys over to their house for some late night notes. They don’t have offices or, you know, email for these sort of things. If only he had a lawyer or parent to represent him and help him navigate this. Or one that was both!!! (M: Oh you! Stop being rational.)

High School: Marissa tells Ryan she suspects a douchy looking guy named Kyle Thompson is the actual drug dealer, because like a normal high school person, she knows who the druggies are. And look! The girl that almost drowned is here, rubbing up on Kyle like a cat in heat. Her name is Jess and y’all, she has some beautiful hair. I’m considering taking a screen shot to my stylist next time I go but then she will know I was watching The O.C., so it’s not worth it.

Kirsten and Carter’s office: Someone named Erin doesn’t want to go to wine country with him for very suspicious reasons. I’m going to guess it’s because she’s friends with Kirsten and knows about the cheater-feels. (M: Close-ish. Sandy was setting up Erin and Carter but Kirsten cock-blocked. Because of cheater-feels.) Carter has rented a vintage convertible and complains about having to drink alone for what I think is a work trip? Because I want this job. I’ll throw my kids in daycare so fast they won’t know what hit them.

High School: Marissa’s side pony is chatting up Jess about how sorry she is the drugs almost made her drown. Which makes for an excellent segue into asking if Jess can hook her up with some of these drown-inducing drugs. Because nothing makes Marissa Cooper want to party like watching someone almost die! They plan to meet up. Ryan undercovers right over to ask her how it went. In direct view and theoretical earshot of Jess. That’s mighty stealthy of you Ryan. Seth SURE AS HECK gets to be Richard Grieco.

Cohen Kitchen: Kirsten and Trey are lightheartedly discussing restaurant options as that would be the highest priority when one has be charged with… well, something terrible I think. Seth adorables into the room and complains about his inconvenient note session and asks Ryan to delay the Death Cab show. I mean, I know these people are rich but how does one go about this? This isn’t a garage band in someone’s basement.

Sandy has discovered the prosecutor is a cliché Irishman. His name is Tom McGinty and he has 8 kids. I bet he likes to drink too. Sandy suspects he will try to ship Trey off away from his daughters because I’m sure he went to law school so he could ignore the law altogether and do whatever he feels is best for his personal life. So they are getting to work on the case tonight because how else would we ensure that Kirsten and her coworker will be drunk and alone?

Mari: If there are other ways to make this happen, they are too hard.

Jessica: Comic Book Meeting: They have some notes that amount to “change everything about your graphic novel and make it into something totally different and then we will like it and put some product placements in there.” Possible pedo-publisher wants to invite these CHILDREN over the following night to meet a lot of “industry” people. Yeah, I’ve FOR SURE seen this episode of Law and Order before.

Mari: What does pedo-publisher drive?

Jessica: She asks Seth to bring Summer. This is going to end well. Zach continues to try to convince Seth to make terrible choices in the hopes that Summer will hate him. I guess. Zach seems to just have the one look on his face at all times so it’s hard to say.

Legal Defense Team, party of 2: Trey talked to Jess at the party and they were alone in a room together. Therefore, he will be convicted. He knew Jess was high and knew there was a guy passing out pills. These all facts seem like important things you would say to the police instead of just, you know, confessing to something you didn’t do. Marissa threw him a birthday party and the logical way to pay her back for that is to confess to a crime that possibly doesn’t even exist. I have seen almost every episode of all the Law and Order franchises and I feel certain they would have covered the crime of “someone almost died at your house so it’s legal your fault.”

Death Cab: Summer can’t believe Seth blew off both her and his favorite band. I can’t believe anyone’s favorite band is Death Cab. Marissa plays the role of terrible friend by totally ignoring everything Summer just said to wonder where Jess is. Summer wants to know why she wants to see, and I quote, “ That Coke Whore.” And then I laughed. This show is so stupid.

Julie in a bed full of rose petals waiting to seduce Charles Widmore from Lost, I mean, Caleb: He thinks this looks like one of her “movies”! I got so close- it was porn, not stripping! He’s pissed and informs her he wants to meet with lawyers and leaves the room. This seems like a lot of build up just to tell someone they will be having an eventual conversation.

Death Cab: Summer and Marissa find Jess. Summer pretends to be high. Jess tells them to come to a party tomorrow night and she can hook Marissa up. Summer continues to adorable in a Seth-worthy manner.

Cohen Bedroom: Sandy and Kirsten talk. I’m not even sure I can summarize all the boring that just happened. She’s writing notes for her apparently awful employee who won’t be able to do his job unchaperoned because he will get too drunk. In the real world, we fire this guy, not stay up at night writing out questions to help him. (M: In the OC, we have cheater-feels about him instead!) Sandy tells Kirsten to head up there with Carter to the super romantic wine tasting alone. I can tell you that this is something husbands just do all the time.

Death Cab: Back to this never ending concert full of high school students. Ryan tries to talk to Kyle but it’s so painfully awkward he may as well have on a shirt that says “I want to tell the police all about you and also I don’t know how to function around humans”. Seth comes in and tries to talk to Ryan about his problems and of course, much like Marissa, he’s a terrible friend and human so he simply ignores him to try to watch Kyle. Seth wants to help but Ryan literally tries to push him down.

Irishman Prosecutor McGinty eating lunch at a bar, because Irishmen like to drink, in case you missed that. He even has reddish hair. I bet he’s eating a potato. Sandy comes on over and interrupts his lunch (Fact: If I was a lawyer, interrupting my lunch is a sure fire way to turn the eye of Sauron onto your client with fiery fury.) In a shocking twist, he won’t make a deal.

Infidelity Vineyards: Flirting. (M: I really actually like the name Infidelity Vineyards. If I ever own the vineyard, I’m pretty sure that will be the name.)

Comic Book Party: Summer and Seth are walking into this totally age-appropriate party. Seth has lied to get her here. This seems like a wise choice. They are serving alcohol at this party they invited high schoolers to. Is this some kind of record for number of parties in one episode? It feels like it.

Cohen house: Marissa, Ryan, and Trey explain to Eyebrows they know who the dealer is. This is the show Horatio Cane watches to get acting tips from.

Trashy Motel: Julie meets up with a guy who offers to kill her husband for her. She decides the least suspicious way to handle this is to write him a CHECK to not kill him. You know, the paper trail kind of check? I bet her super-rich husband never looks at their bank account. Then they decide that kissing is best done outside the motel room where someone can take their photo.

Infidelity Vineyards: Kirsten and Carter are drunk, because it never crossed their mind not to drink copious amounts of wine when they know they have to drive home that night. A concierge with a nametag reading “Contrivance” offers them use of a guest suite. Just the one though. They live paycheck to paycheck, I’m sure they can’t afford a second one.

Drug Party: This party has a bouncer and a list. Marissa is on the list and Ryan gets a “No, Dawg” so she says IN FRONT OF THE GUY WITH THE CLIPBOARD to just meet her around back. What’s the point of a list if people can just wander in through the back?

Mari: All of your totally rational and unanswerable questions are multiplying as we near the end of this episode. NOTHING HAS AN ANSWER. THINGS JUST HAPPEN! WEEEE. 

Jessica: Grinding. Some people might call it dancing I guess. Marissa sneaks Ryan in a side door. Jess is high and drags Marissa off. I’m pretending it’s not the drugs making her so happy, its actually just because Marissa’s side pony is gone.

Caleb waiting in the dark to talk to Julie: He wants to know if she needs to shower. THIS IMPLIES SHE HAD SEX IN CASE OBVIOUS WASN’T OBVIOUS ENOUGH FOR YOU. He talks to her in a scary voice. Sweet heavens, this is so boring. She cries and says she actually loves him. He says he will give her one more chance but I’m fairly certain he is planning to murder her later based on his smirk as he walks out of the room.

Infidelity Vineyards: Contrivance has spilled wine all over Carter so he has to take his shirt off. And take a shower. While they are in their shared hotel room since no one can afford a second room.

Drug Party: Sandy talks to Kirsten on the phone and she informs him she drank too much and he tells her to stay put. Trey suggests it’s maybe not the best plan to let his drunk wife share a hotel room with another man. Fortunately, I don’t care and neither does Sandy.

Comic Book Party With Wine: Marketing guy wants to do NASCAR tie ins. I don’t want to stereotype too much, but generally speaking, do these things overlap much? Graphic novels and NASCAR? I don’t get out much so maybe I’m wrong. They want to make body sprays too. GAG.

Y’all, I need you to listen up now- Summer just made fun of them because they “drink wine. For fun.” OH HELL NO YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT SUMMER. She wants to leave the party. I want you to leave my life forever, Summer.

Mari: She’s young, Jess. Give her a second chance. She doesn’t get it yet. She just doesn’t get it.

Jessica: Adult who invites teenage boys to her house and serves alcohol would like to make a toast. Summer feels made fun of and Zach is helpfully available to drive her home.

Infidelity Vineyards: Carter may be the best actor on this show. He’s very nonthreatening when he mentions there is a second bathrobe. Kirsten decides to keep her panties on. GOOD FOR YOU SANDY COHEN’S WIFE!

Drug Party: Jess brings the drugs and tells Marissa to head out to the rape!beach to meet Kyle. He’s not just a drug dealer, he’s a potential rapist too!! Fortunately, here come the authorities to arrest him because they don’t need things like “evidence” or “proof”.

Marissa and Ryan take Trey home and end up alone in the car and have some flirting. I think. This bad acting makes it really hard to tell. They start to kiss and head off to the pool house for “more”.

Trey’s completely dark apartment: Suprise! Jess is there. Apparently Jess was in on the drug deal too and Trey didn’t turn her in. He says it’s because he liked talking to her. The clanking of belt buckles leads me to believe they are not just going to talk. I think this is a plot twist, but as a person who has seen various Shonda Rhimes shows, I think calling it such is an insult to the term plot twist.

Final thoughts: Ryan’s hair is terrible. I am now 100% convinced of my theory that the writers of PLL grew up watching this show. Also, the brother/sister vibes I saw with Ryan and Marissa made it incredibly awkward for me when they started kissing. They even look alike.

Mari: I think they at least use the same hair dye:

 

Next time on The OC: Sandy, Seth and Ryan head to Miami to visit The Nana in S02 E21 – The Return of The Nana.