Previously: Cupid needed help from Phoebe’s big heart.
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Reckless Abandon
Marines: So, I watched this episode like two weeks ago and then promptly laughed at Stephanie because she had the baby episode of Charmed. Shortly after that she was all, “I’m sooooo busy. Maybe you should take the next episode.”
That’s not exactly what happened but it doesn’t matter because: baby episode.
Stephanie: Baby episodes are the worst, but I’m sure there’s another episode riddled with dumb gender stereotypes waiting for me and the balance will be restored. Then again, I already covered the episode where Prue became a Bro.
Mari: Touché. Fine. I’ll handle my baby-episode-recap like a champ.
We start at Haliwell Manor. Piper is putting a bunch of baby crap into a basket wile Prue looks around the house for slides. Her boss is sending a team of two to New York for a conference, based on whoever has the best presentation. Piper asks if Prue is going to sleep with Jack. (S: Gross. May we never have to watch this happen.) Prue non-answers and changes the subject to the basket of baby things. It’s for a baby shower and Prue and Phoebe both forgot about it, so Piper is preparing a gift from all of them. She even knit something, which surprises Prue. It surprises me that Piper would know how to knit, and neither of her sisters who live with her would know that. That’s the kind of thing people can, you know, see you doing.
Steph: This was weird. It’s also weird how Prue starts to hyperventilate with excitement when she sees the knitted bear Prue made. What was that?
Mari: Acting?
Prue is all, “you can knit! Next step, babies with Dan,” or something like that. Piper says that Dan is the one that wants to fast track their relationship. Even though he’s Generic Charmed Man great, Piper’s not sure she’s ready for moving in with him or anything else. She thinks she loves Dan, but she keeps remembering their blast to the future, where she was divorcing Leo and they had a kid together. Prue tells her to focus on the present and Piper’s all, “okay, but still no babies.”
LOLPD. Phoebe tells Morris to keep an open mind. Morris appreciates her offer, but the last thing he needs is for word to get around that he’s using a psychic to solve cases. And what if someone saw Phoebe in one of her ridiculous outfits or whatever forehead beads she’s wearing right now? If Morris has any reputation left, it would definitely be gone.
A couple of officers are standing in front of a baby, shaking things in its face. Phoebe spots them and asks what’s up with the baby in the precinct. Morris says it was abandoned. Phoebe says the officers are scaring the baby with all their rattle-in-face routine. She walks over to show the men how a vagina handles it. (Is that the impression anyone else got?) (S: YES. She says that all the baby needs is some love, but I was expecting her to say, “this baby needs… A WOMAN.”) Of course, the baby stops crying the moment Phoebe gets there. As she cuddles him (Matthew), she gets a vision. A man grabs baby Matthew and makes a run for it. On the way out, a ghost appears and zaps the man.
Phoebe snaps to. Morris asks if she’s okay and she gives him a blank stare I think is supposed to express confused or concerned emotions. She might also be asking herself if she left the stove on before she left the house, though. You can’t quite tell.
I AM THE SAHN.
Moody music with a lot of “hey yeahs” and “woahs” and establishing shots. Back at the manor, Phoebe fills Piper in on the premonition she had. Morris let them take the baby home for 24 hours because that seems like good police work, if you ask me. Piper is holding the baby, but quickly passes him off, because she says she’s not good with them. Phoebe just shushes the baby a bit and puts him in his car seat and Piper is super impressed. Phoebe says she can’t wait to have a baby one day and Piper sadly wonders, mostly to herself, if Dan fell in love with the wrong sister. To add vomit to her injury, Matthew projectile vomits over Piper’s knit bear.
Prue arrives, yelling that this emergency better be good because her trip to New York is at stake. Is Jack gone yet? I thought I said he’d be gone by now. DID THE INTERNET PROVIDE ME WITH FAULTY INFORMATION? (S: What if he never leaves!?) Anyway, Prue’s all, “baby??” since she thought Phoebe was going to the police station to ask about a job. Phoebe explains about the abandoned baby and Prue questions the “abandoned” part since she is notices the baby is in an expensive car seat. While this conversation is happening, Piper is going on about the baby being like a car alarm.
Cut to a baby store. You don’t have to be a baby expert to realize Prue has way too much crap in her cart for 24 hours. Jack shows up at the store for some creepy reason and Prue gives him a family-emergency excuse, but promises that there won’t be any more interruptions. Jack is glad to hear it and they talk a little more about the New York trip, but no one cares. Prue asks if Jack can help her pick out baby stuff, but he can’t help. Because he’s useless.
Steph: Jack’s hair looks different. It’s lost the frostiness and it’s not sticking up everywhere anymore. I still don’t want to look at him, though.
Mari: And he’ll always be Frosted Jerk to me, anyway.
Manor. Piper is sitting on a stool watching Dan rock the baby in different ways because he’s a baby expert. She’s impressed. Prue comes in with complaints about how expensive babies are. (S: She could have saved $300 by picking up a few things at the 99 cent store. They only have this kid for ONE DAY.) Dan says she’s just in time because “cousin Matthew” needs a change. Dan offers to do it, but Piper and Prue say they can. After comments about stinky poo, Matthew pees. Piper panics and freezes time. Prue says maybe only one of them should change the baby, so Piper tells Prue to go ahead. Piper unfreezes time and Prue telekinesises the pee away. Dan doesn’t notice the pee defying the laws of gravity and physics and stuff.
Mari: The dumbest.
The diapers Prue bought don’t fit Matthew. Dan improvises and uses a tea towel to wrap the baby up, all the while talking about the benefits of cloth diapers. He offers to pick up the right size diapers for them, hands the baby to Prue and takes off. Prue hands the baby to Piper and runs out.
Phoebe and Morris are with a sketch artist. Phoebe is describing and giving directions. Morris asks the sketch artist not to ask any questions about this, but that doesn’t stop the guy from making comments about the whole psychic thing. After the sketch is finished, Morris asks the artist to run it through the system.
Steph: That guy literally pressed buttons on a computer and a sketch happened. I could feel a rant coming so I looked it up and this sort of software does exist. No wonder so many people think digital artists click things in Photoshop to generate art magic.
Mari: I hear your professional struggles ringing out of that comment. I’m sorry, girl.
Buckland. Prue is in her office when she gets a faxed copy of sketch artist’s picture. She identifies him immediately as Gilbert Van Lewen, because his family has a big art collection they unloaded part of when Papa Van Lewen died the summer before. Plus, Prue just read somewhere that Brother Van Lewen died as well. Phoebe figures there’s a ghost involved. She asks Prue to meet her and Morris down at the Van Lewen estate, as it would help to have an active power there.
Van Lewen Estate. Gilbert is fighting with his wife Alexandra. She’s all, “OMG. YOU CAN’T JUST ABANDON OUR BABY.” Gilbert insists it was for the best, even though Alexandra doesn’t believe him about the ghost. It’s cool, though, because the ghost appears just then, saying Gilbert is next. Mama Van Lewen begs the ghost to spare Gilbert’s life. Killer Ghost says he’ll consider it if Gilbert brings the baby back. Gilbert says no way and Killer Ghost zaps him. Gilbert falls over the banister and to his death. Killer ghost tells Mama Van Lewen that he’s going to kill every male in her family and she’s stuck there until he does.
Steph: The acting in this scene was… interesting. It was like if aliens came down and tried to replicate human behavior after studying soap operas.
Mari: Accurate.
After a not!break, we’re still at the Van Lewen Estate and the cops and paramedics are there. Prue pulls up and finds Phoebe and Morris. She asks what’s up and Morris explains that Gilbert went over the banister. Apparently in the five minutes he’s been there, the ME has already decided he’s going to rule the death as accidental. Because sometimes you just trip over the bannister, am I right?
Prue and Phoebe insist that they have to investigate more and find out if Gilbert was Matthew’s father. Morris is all, “…but you aren’t cops.” This point gets lost somehow as Prue and Phoebe end up walking into the crime scene anyway. Morris vouches for them with the cop posted at the door. The cop calls the girls Morris’ “psychic friends.”
Morris tells them that he’s going to do all the talking. They find Mama Van Lewen and he lightly questions her. MVL says that Gilbert’s baby is staying at an aunt’s house. Meanwhile, Phoebe and Prue leave Morris and go upstairs. There, they find the nursery and the confirmation that Matthew is a Van Lewen. Alexandra catches them and they pose as grief counselors with the LOLPD. Alexandra doesn’t want their help even when Prue is all, “we can help bring back someone else.” Alexandra tells them to scram.
Manor. Phoebe and Prue are working. Piper walks in with Matthew and asks if it’s anyone else’s turn. Prue can’t because Jack managed to get their presentation rescheduled so she’s working on that again. Phoebe can’t because she’s Googling the Van Lewens. They have 12 hours left until Morris comes to collect Matthew and, IDK, be all, “look who I found again!” at the police department. They need to find a way to vanquish the ghost before then. Piper says she’ll finish the research and hands over Matthew. He won’t stop crying even when Phoebe employs her I’m A Natural At This rock and soothing voice. Phoebe pats the baby on the back, figuring it might be a burp-y cry and baby Matthew pukes all over Prue’s presentation. I think even baby Matthew is all, “any second now, you should stop pretending you have a job, Prue.”
Time lapse. At two in them morning, Piper’s reading a book, Phoebe is on the computer and Prue is holding Matthew. They gripe about Matthew not sleeping They haven’t found anything at all useful and Matthew is getting fussy again. Prue uses her telekinesis to float a bunch of things in front of Matthew’s face and says WHO CARES! about the possibility that this is for personal gain. Who cares, is right, Prue! Certainly not the writers.
Steph: Why haven’t the writers just dropped the personal gain thing instead of having the characters go, “this is for personal gain, LOL who cares though,” ALL THE TIME? If they’re going to ignore the rules, why remind the audience?
“Something useful in the Book of Shadows.” HA.
Steph: Allow me to take this moment to appreciate David Tennant’s cute face before Jack shows up again.
Mari: Instead of something useful, all they find is that their mother wrote, “Sometimes a baby just has to cry.” Does it make any damn sense that that would be in a spell book? NO.
Phoebe says that taking care of a baby shouldn’t be that hard because of their girly DNA. (S: Bleeeeeeeh.) Matthew cries and Piper freezes time.
We time lapse some more. It’s morning and the 3Ps are sleeping in the kitchen. Dan is there holding Matthew. Piper wakes up and stares at him for a bit, wondering if he’s too good to be true. Dan says maybe one day she’ll find out, which is kind of an awkward way to respond to that. Anyway, Dan has to go to work.
Prue and Phoebe wake up. Prue’s late for her Seriously, Are We Still Pretending? job and Phoebe wants to go talk to Mama Van Luwen. Piper is for that plan, but har har har, they forgot they have a temporary baby. You forget when a baby is around if you don’t have those girly DNA genes activated. #science
Prue ends up having to take Matthew to work. Jack is kind of weirded out my Prue’s mothering (S: I am too because the baby appears to be in a drawer.) and also he won’t stop mentioning New York. He took the liberty of finishing their presentation since he figured Prue wouldn’t get it done. Prue kisses him and their boss walks in just then. With bad news too, because he’s removing Prue from the presentation. Jack will be giving it alone.
Steph: Prue is wearing some kind of crystal lamp pull-switch in her hair. It’s important that people know this.
Mari: We’re here for the details.
Phoebe and Piper go to the Van Luwen house and knock on the front door. Mama Van Lewen answers and they ask about the disappeared chauffeur. Alexandra happens by and asks WTF the P’s are doing there. Phoebe shows then Matthew’s embroidered blanket and suggests they go somewhere safe to talk. TOO LATE. The ghost shows up because he can read embroidered blankets too, duh. He asks where the baby is and shoots lightening. Piper freezes the lightening and the Van Lewens freeze but Killer Ghost is unaffected. Pipers gets Piper Panicky, but Phoebe tells her to calm her tits and unfreeze the Van Lewens so they can run away like proper, normal people. Phoebe, Piper and Alexandra escape, but Killer Ghost manages to keep Mama Van Lewen inside. Plus, he can’t leave the house. KG says to bring him the baby or else Mama Van Luwen dies.
P^3. Alexandra doesn’t want to go to the Manor because they don’t know for sure that Killer Ghost can’t follow them. She doesn’t want to endanger her son. Phoebe asks for the exposition on Killer Ghost, back when he was just the chauffeur. Apparently, the chauffeur (I could use his real name but chauffeur is a fun word) was obsessed with Mama Van Lewen, but his obsession got Christian Grey levels of cray-zee. So, Papa Van Lewen lured the chauffeur outside and shot him in the back.
The chauffeur became Killer Ghost and the Van Lewen men began to have bad “accidents.” Alexandra thinks this won’t be over until Killer Ghost gets Matthew. Phoebe asks if Alexandra knows where the chauffeur was buried. Alexandra replies that the body is probably underneath some tree I didn’t mention earlier because it seemed like a stupid detail. I mean, like a stupider detail that all of the other stupid details.
Steph: There was a tree? I don’t remember a tree. What am I watching? Where am I? Who am I? #Charmednesia
Mari: Bucklands. Jack fought for Prue and ended up getting her a ticket for New York too. The plane leaves in two hours. Prue says she can’t go and Jack says he figured. He tells her she makes a cute couple with Baby Matthew and I have no idea what’s going on. Is this a break-up? IS THIS A BREAK-UP?
Manor. Phoebe is making a potion and also having feelings about not having the built-in baby genes. Piper calms her down and says it actually takes things like “work” and “effort” to figure out how to take care of a baby. Phoebe’s all, “uuugh, I guesssss.” Moving right along, Phoebe asks Piper to get shovels and then exposits that they need to dig up the chauffeur’s bones and douse them in the potion.
Prue arrives with the baby and Phoebe and Piper start fussing over him. Phoebe suggests that someone stay with the baby and all three P’s volunteer. BECAUSE BABY. Because sometimes women don’t want babies, but only because they don’t have a baby around to tell them they want babies. YAY BABY.
Steph: This is the worst “girl power” show.
Mari: Morris shows up to tell them their time is up and social services finally asked about that abandoned baby. Prue negotiates a few more hours, saying that if they aren’t back by then, Morris can do what he has to. She hands Matthew over to Morris and they each give him pieces of baby advice. Piper asks if he knows “the jiggle” and Morris says of course he does because he’s a father.
WHAT. He is? Huh.
Steph: Morris has this whole other life we don’t even know about! I thought they were keeping him around to be Phoebe’s first multi-episode love interest. It’s good to know he’s safe. Unless he’s a single dad, in which case, RUN.
Mari: Phoebe tells Prue she can’t wear her knit crop sweater to dig up ghost bones and she especially can’t wear that lamp pull switch hair jewelry. She doesn’t actually say any of that but it’s a little bit implied.
Van Lewen Estate. Killer Ghost is zapping Mama Van Lewen with his ghost electricity. The 3Ps arrive. Piper is going inside to protect Mama while Phoebe and Prue are going to dig up the chauffeur bones. Except when they find the tree-I-didn’t-mention, Prue says she can just telekinesis the bones out. OF COURSE SHE CAN. SO WHY BRING THE SHOVELS? Then they stand there and stare at the bones for a few seconds because, I don’t know.
Inside, there is more bad special effects lightening and more “I’m being electrocuted” bad acting. Piper finds them and freezes the electricity. Outside, Phoebe and Prue start smashing the bones because, I don’t know. This tips Killer Ghost to the fact that they’ve found his bones so he heads to a nearest window. Phoebe and Prue are still taking their sweet-ass time. Killer Ghost sends some electricity toward them and then makes the earth swallow his bones again. And he can do that because, I don’t know.
Steph: Ghost magic trumps witch magic. Something like that.
Mari: Phoebe and Prue run inside the house and find Piper and Mama Van Lewen. Phoebe explains that the bones are gone forever and then gives a significant look. Mama is all, “…what?” So Phoebe explains that if they destroy the object of Killer Ghost’s wrath, he’ll die. Mama figures this means her. Piper says they won’t do it because they have to protect innocents. Mama isn’t an innocent though, according to her, because she was the one who shot the chauffeur in the back. Killer Ghost shows up now to be all, “HOW COULD YOU?” He says the 3Ps can’t protect her forever and Mama knows that, but she can protect Matthew. She stands and makes a run for it and FLIPS OVER THE BANISTER and falls to her death. Her spirit or insta-ghost rises up out of her body. She tells Killer Ghost to go to hell and he does, which is a pretty neat power to have. I mean, not if you have to jump off a second story to get it.
Spirit!Mama Van Lewen thanks the P’s for protecting Matthew and then poofs away.
Steph: Do you ever have to take a moment to deal with the things you’ve just seen on this show? Sometimes I feel like I’m hallucinating how bad it is. It’s always the vanquishing scenes that seem to break me the most.
Mari: Usually, when I’m reading back the recaps, I have these moments of, “are these words for real? Is this really what I watched.” It was. I did watch the insta-ghost and hell flames and the poof away. It happened.
The next day, we’re at the Manor and the girls are having so! much! fun! taking Matthew a bath. Also, Phoebe is wearing a tube top with sleeves that aren’t actually attached to the tube top. Like arm warmers. Also, it appears to be made of towel material, so maybe she plans on drying Matthew by hugging him.
Later, the girls return the baby to the police department where Alexandra is waiting. She says thank you and they say their goodbyes to Matthew and leave.
P^3. The girls have some end of episode chat about babies. Phoebe wants a lot of them later. Piper feels like Dan is too perfect and it makes her feel imperfect. Oh, and here’s that ugly baby Jack (S: HAHAHA. Accurate.) who didn’t actually break-up with Prue. Cool. Prue says that one day she wants to meet the right guy and be a mom and Jack’s all, “LOL.” Prue says that’s okay, because tonight she doesn’t need the right guy. They dance.
Next time on Charmed: Piper’s got a life-threatening virus and personal gain magic is afoot in S02 E12 – Awakened.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a miniature adult who still gets offered the kid's coloring menu at restaurants. I like to pretend I'm an illustrator, but mostly I spend my time complaining about TV on Twitter. My life dream is to have my consciousness placed into an android body so that I'll have more time to watch/read things.
