Previously: TV stole everyone’s faces during the Queen’s coronation.
The Impossible Planet
Kirsti: The TARDIS vworp vworps its way into a spaceship-y looking storage room. It sounds decidedly unwell. The Doctor and Rose walk out the door, and he makes worried sounds while stroking the TARDIS. Rose says if he’s worried, they can leave and go somewhere else, and they both fall about laughing.
K: LITERALLY EVERYTHING.
They head out of the storage room and find themselves in some kind of base. A few more corridors and doors, and they find themselves in a living space. The Doctor says it’s a sanctuary base used for space exploration, but frankly? It reminds me of Red Dwarf.
The Doctor listens for a second, and says that someone’s drilling underneath the base. “Welcome to Hell…” Rose says. The Doctor insists it’s not that bad, and she points out that she was reading some graffiti on the wall. There are a bunch of little squigglies underneath it that remind me of the crappy prophecies Wesley used to translate in Angel, and I’m going to stop before I go on a rant about pictographs versus cuneiform again. The Doctor rushes over and studies the squigglies. He’s weirded out by the fact that the TARDIS hasn’t translated them, because the TARDIS translates everything. Answer: either the TARDIS is broken, or the writing is hella old.
He says they should find out who’s in charge, and opens a nearby door. On the other side are three creepy creatures with tentacles coming out of their faces. The Doctor and Rose flail in horror, and one of the creatures holds up a glowy light ball thing that allows it to speak, and says “We must feed“. The creatures close in and the other doors open to reveal more tentacle creatures. They surround Rose and the Doctor saying “We must feed” over and over.
After the credits, one of the tentacle creatures slaps its glowy light ball and finishes its sentence: “We must feed you if you are hungry“. The Doctor and Rose sigh in relief.
Mari: My niece is in a stage where she repeats things like a billion times before she moves on with her sentence. I wish she had a glowy ball I could smack. Not really, but you get the point.
K: I definitely don’t miss that stage of aunt-hood.
A door bursts open and a bunch of humans walk in. One of them is all “THE FUCK??” and informs the captain via a communication device on his wrist that there are people on board. He looks incredibly familiar, but IMDB is failing me so I think it’s just that he looks like a younger version of Bill Nighy. The captain replies that it’s impossible. Rose is confused because surely they get visitors on their base from time to time. But LOL NOPE.
Before Young Bill Nighy can offer an explanation, an alarm sounds and a voice announces that they’ve got incoming. Young Bill Nighy rushes everyone down a corridor as the base shakes around them. They end up in the base’s command centre, and everyone flails about there being real people on board. One guy suggests they’re all hallucinating. The captain yells that impact is coming in 30 seconds and everyone should hold onto something. He then helpfully informs us that the tentacle creatures are called Ood so that I can stop calling them tentacle creatures.
The Doctor asks what planet they’re on, and a woman – who I recognise from one episode of Ashes to Ashes and also FREAKING SPICE WORLD – tells him it can’t have a name. The Doctor looks confused, but then the impact hits. The base shakes violently and everyone’s thrown around the room. Fire erupts, and Young Bill Nighy rushes around with an extinguisher.
Impact over, the captain says that the surface has caved in on part of the base. He tells a guy named Toby to go and check the rocket link, and Toby says that’s not his department. There’s always one asshat in a crisis. (M: And what do ya know? It’s Not My Job Dude. You can’t escape him, even in space.) The captain eyerolls and Toby gives Sam Winchester levels of bitchface but does as he’s told.
Rose asks what kind of storm is outside that it’s doing that much damage, and Ida – the woman from Spice World – is all “…wait, you really don’t know?” She introduces the rest of the team – Toby’s department is actually archaeology – and then flips a switch that opens the roof and reveals that they’re in orbit around a black hole. Rose freaks, and the Doctor says over and over that it’s impossible. Doesn’t make it any less true, bro.
Mari: Plus, “The Totally Possible Planet” doesn’t sound as intriguing.
K: Truth.
The Doctor infodumps that black holes suck everything in, so it’s impossible for them to be orbiting around it. They should be dead. “And yet, here we are,” says Ida. The base shakes again, and we’re treated to some pretty terrible CGI of the base, which then zooms out to show us the chunk of rock the base is on.
Elsewhere, Toby’s rushing around with some blueprints. He hears a creepy voice whispering his name, and the lights flicker. But there’s no one there. Still, Supernatural has taught me that he should probably find something made of iron and get into a circle of salt. He heads back into the command centre. Everyone’s staring at a hologram of the black hole. Ida says that in some religious scripture, the planet they’re on is called The Bitter Pill, and the black hole is a demon that swallowed the planet, then spat it back out because it’s poison. The Doctor raises a sceptical eyebrow.
The Doctor asks how they even got there, and the captain says that the planet has its own weirdo gravity field, complete with tractor beam. So all they had to do was fly into the tractor beam and everything was sweet. Well, except for that their actual captain died, which is why the current captain is a bit “ARGH WHAT AM I DOING”. But if the gravity field ever collapses, they’re on a one way trip to black hole central. The Doctor says the gravity field would take a shit ton of power, and sits down to do some calculations.
An Ood offers Rose a drink, and she asks what its name is. It replies that it has no name, and that they’re all one entity. She insists that everyone has a name, and Danny – their ethics committee – informs her that the Ood are a slave race who run the drills and do maintenance and that’s what they were born to do. Rose is disgusted, but she’s informed that the Ood live to serve and if you don’t give them orders, they curl up and die. Seems a little extreme to me, but whatever. The Ood confirms that it’s true and that they have nothing else in life but serving people. Rose says she used to think that way once upon a time.
The Doctor, meanwhile, has finished his calculations and says the amount of power required – “six to the power of six every six seconds” – is impossible. Ida says that’s why they’re there – to drill down to the power source and use it to fuel the empire. The Doctor glares a little, and Toby mentions that eons ago, the planet held life. That life buried something – and had writing. He copied the squigglies on the wall from a fragment they found – and now it’s calling out to them. Rose gives him side eye for being melodramatic. (M: I love her for it, even if it doesn’t stop Toby.)
The Doctor joins the dots and says they came because it was there. He asks permission to hug the captain, and then wibbles about how brilliant and crazy people are. (M: It’s adorable, especially coming from the Doctor.) Ida asks how they go there, and the Doctor says he has a ship that “just sort of appears“. Rose mentions where the TARDIS landed, and the team look at each other awkwardly. The Doctor realises that the TARDIS was parked in the bit of the station that was crushed during the impact. He rushes off towards his precious ship, but the door through which they entered is now the edge of the base. Everything past it is gone.
Back in command central, he asks the captain if they can divert the drilling to find the TARDIS, because it’s literally all he has (what’s Rose, chopped liver??). (M: HE DOESN’T OWN ROSE.) (K: But he doesn’t say that the TARDIS is all he OWNS. He says it’s all he HAS…) The captain’s all “LOL NOPE” because they only have the power to drill one central shaft. He says a little awkwardly that the best he can do is offer them a lift off the planet eventually. Ida says she’ll add them to the duty roster. The team leave, and Rose and the Doctor sad panda. He says apologetically that he’s trapped her there, and she insists that she’s fine. Until the base shakes again. He hugs her tightly and stares up at the black hole.
Later, a voice informs the base that they’re entering night shift to the strains of Bolero. What. Down under the base, the Ood change shifts as Young Bill Nighy watches. Outside, the mechanic, Scooti (seriously?? That’s what my niece calls her puppy when it drags its butt on the carpet…) announces that she’s finished some sort of repairs and is coming back inside. Danny checks off the Ood as they return.
Toby, meanwhile, is studying fragments of pottery in his room. He hears the whispery voice again, and thinks it’s Danny playing tricks. The lights flicker some more. Dude. Iron. Circle of salt. (M: Or at least take your fragments and go find other people.) (K: SERIOUSLY.)
Back in the living area near where the TARDIS landed, the Doctor is studying the squigglies again. Rose heads over to a kitchen area and one of the Ood serves her dinner on a metal tray. Rose grins that she was a dinner lady once, and asks if the Ood get paid. “The Beast and his Armies shall rise from the Pit to make war against God,” it replies. Rose is all “The fuck?” and the Ood claims it was a glitch and that she should enjoy her meal. Rose looks freaked as she walks away.
Command Central. The captain tells the computer to keep the drill speed constant, and walks away from the hologram of the planet. Behind his back, it turns into a monster that looks quite a lot like That One Time Giles Got Turned Into A Demon. The captain turns back in time to see the hologram of the planet flicker off.
Danny closes a door, and the computer informs him “he is awake“. When he’s all “the fuck?”, the computer tells him to close the door he just closed. Damned technology…
Cut to Toby, studying his pottery fragments. The whispery voice returns, but it’s not whispery any more. It tells him not to turn around because if Toby looks, he’ll die. The voice says it’s so close it can touch him. Toby freaks and spins around. The room is empty. But when he goes to put the pottery shards down, he notices that they’re blank. He pulls his gloves off and sees that the squigglies have spread across his palms. He panics and looks in a mirror to find that they’re all over his face too. He collapses on the floor.
Mari: I laughed a little while the scary voice was all, “I’m right behind you. NO DON’T LOOK. But I’m so close. SERIOUSLY, BRO. DON’T. LOOK.”
K: It really was oddly hilarious.
Living area. The lights flicker, and everyone looks spooked. Ida checks in with the captain via her wrist communicator, and he tells them that the view is currently worth a look. Ida opens the roof and they all watch as a pinky red shimmer – which apparently used to be the Scarlet System, home to a billion year civilisation – gets sucked into the black hole. Everyone looks feelsy.
Scooti, Ida and Young Bill Nighy head back to work while Rose and the Doctor sit and stare at the black hole some more. Rose says that she’s seen movies about black holes and how they lead to another universe. The Doctor’s all “Yeah, no” and says that this one just eats stuff. She says she’s a long way from home, and he confirms that yes, she’s at least 500 years from Earth. She turns on her mobile and there’s no signal for the first time ever. She asks the Doctor if he can build another TARDIS, and he says they were grown, not built, and with his planet gone they’re fucked.
Rose says that at least they’ve got a lift off the planet. The Doctor wants to know what comes after that, and she says “Find a planet, get a job, live a life, same as the rest of the universe.” The Doctor’s horrified about the idea of having to live in a house, and Rose sing-songs that he’d have to get a mortgage. His disgust is adorable. He says he’d rather die.
Mari: It wouldn’t be nice to leave your reincarnation with a mortgage, friend.
K: A very valid point.
Rose points out that she’d have to get a mortgage too, and then suggests that they could share. They both awkward a little, and then the Doctor says that he promised Jackie he’d keep Rose safe. He looks feelsy. “Everyone leaves home in the end…” Rose replies. The Doctor’s apologetic about getting her stuck in such a dump, and she says that at least they’re stuck there together. They exchange a little smile, but are interrupted by Rose’s phone ringing. She answers, and a creepy voice says “He is awake“. See, people, THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE. (M: It’s certainly why I don’t answer my phone…) Toby comes to, his eyes bright red and crazy.
Down in the Ood part of the base, Rose and the Doctor ask Danny how the Ood communicate with each other. He says they’re low level telepaths and says they’re basically cattle. Some ethics committee you are, bro. The Doctor asks if they can pick up signals because that might explain the phone call Rose got. Danny says that there are weird bits of message streaming past all the time in the solar systems that get sucked into the black hole.
Danny says if there was something weird, they’d know because they monitor the telepathic field to keep the Ood healthy, and points at a screen, saying that the Ood only register a 5. The Doctor watches as the screen rises to a 30. Rose stares at the Ood down below, who snap to life and creepily turn to stare at them. Danny says a level 30 is like all the Ood are shouting at once. The Doctor suggests that maybe something’s shouting at them. Danny asks about the message Rose got, and she says “He is awake“. As one, the Ood reply “And you will worship him“. It’s hella creepy. The Doctor asks who’s talking to them, and there’s no reply.
Scooti heads into Toby’s room with some paperwork, but he’s not there. From behind her, she hears the computer announce that an airlock has been opened. She asks it who went outside, and the computer’s all “IDK”. She asks which spacesuit is gone, and the computer replies that whoever it was didn’t take a spacesuit. She tries to report it to the captain but there’s just static. Scooti goes back to questioning the computer, which starts saying “He is awake” too.
Scooti peers out a nearby window to see Toby standing on the surface of the planet. He turns to face her and grins evilly as a Firefly-esque violin line strikes up. She’s terrified. I paused my DVD on his evil smile, and I’m kind of terrified too.
Mari: That creepy smile is A++. I wonder if it’s what landed him the role.
K: So like “Okay, now give us your best axe murderer with crazy eyes smile? NYAAAAAAAAAAARGH!! You’re hired.”
Toby gestures to her to come outside. When she says it’s impossible, he clenches his fist and the glass on the window cracks. She yells at the computer to open a door, but nothing happens. The glass shatters, and Scooti’s sucked outside to her death.
In the Ood area, everything shakes and the computer announces that there’s a hull breach. The captain yells at everyone to evacuate a particular section of the station. They all end up in a corridor, except the captain who’s still in command central. Young Bill Nighy realises that Scooti’s missing – Toby is miraculously back with them – and calls her on his wrist communicator. There’s no answer. The captain says that her biochip is in Habitation 3, so she’s clearly okay. Everyone sighs with relief.
Toby, meanwhile, inspects his hands, which are squiggly free. Young Bill Nighy leads everyone towards Habitation 3. The Doctor asks Toby what happened to him, and he has no idea. Rose helps him up and leads him off to get some food. Meanwhile, the others are searching the habitation areas. There’s still no sign of Scooti, despite what her biochip says. The Doctor sadly announces that he’s found her, and they all stare up at the glass ceiling to see her floating away from the roof towards the black hole. “Sorry. I’m so sorry…” the Doctor says.
Young Bill Nighy reports her death to the captain and everyone sad pandas about how young she was before Ida pulls the handle to close the shutters and save them from having to watch her disappear into the black hole. There’s a thump from below the floor, and Ida says that the drills have stopped. They’ve made it to their goal.
In the drilling area, the captain announces that all non-essential Ood are to be confined. Ida is going down to the power source. The Doctor walks up in a spacesuit and says that he’s volunteering to go too. The captain says he should be going, but the Doctor insists the captain has to stay and run things. He reluctantly agrees to let the Doctor go with Ida and yells at everyone to get to their positions.
The Doctor turns to Rose, and she talks sadly about how the realities of space travel are different to what people expect as the Doctor puts on his helmet. “I’ll see you later,” he says. “Not if I see you first,” she grins. She kisses the glass of his helmet, and my little shippy heart explodes a little.
K: The cutest cute to ever cute.
In Ood habitation, Danny orders the Ood to stay put and that this order overrides all others. The Ood remain motionless. Ida and the Doctor climb into the capsule thing that will take them down the drilling channel as the captain counts down from ten. Rose waves, and the Doctor grins and waves back as the capsule starts its descent into the depths. Everyone watches the monitors tensely, except Toby, who fidgets. Rose gets on the radio, and tells the Doctor not to forget to breathe. The captain eyerolls.
As the capsule gets deeper, the Ood stand en masse and stare up at Danny. The capsule reaches point zero, and the base shakes. Rose yells for the Doctor on the radio, and he replies that they’ve made it and they’re getting out of the capsule. They’re in a massive cave. Ida throws a glowy thing up in the air that lights up the whole space.
The walls are covered in statues and carvings, and the Doctor tells Rose to tell Toby that they’ve found his lost civilisation. Rose passes on the message, and Toby fidgets some more. (M: Someone should be paying more attention to this…) (K: Someone besides us, at least)
The captain asks Ida about the power source, and she says they’re tracking it. They walk towards the signal, and Ida says that there’s no turning back now. The Doctor bitchfaces that that’s the worst possible thing to say, like saying “nothing can possibly go wrong“. She eyerolls. Danny fills in the captain in on the Ood and their weird staring. The captain tells him to suck it up. Danny says that the telepathic field is at 100, and the captain says that’s impossible. If I’d made “that’s impossible!” shots a thing like I wanted to at the start, we’d be totally plastered right now.
Danny says that with the telepathic field at 100, all the Ood should be dead. But they’re not. The captain tells Young Bill Nighy to keep a guard on the Ood. The Doctor asks if everything’s okay, and they’re all “Yup, totally fine, nothing to worry about up here!”
Cut back to point zero. Ida and the Doctor have found a massive metal seal in the floor. The Doctor suspects it’s a trapdoor. I suspect that considering they’re in the ULTIMATE Basement of Don’t Go In There that they should step away because it’s a Hellmouth. (M: Good call! It’s very, very Hellmouth-y.) Ida points out that the edges of the seal are covered in the squigglies. The captain asks if there’s a way to open the seal, and the Doctor suggests that the untranslatable squigglies tell them what to do.
Back on the base, Toby says that he knows what the squigglies say. Rose says he should tell them what they say. Toby stands up and turns towards them. His face is covered in squigglies and his eyes are red again. When he speaks, it’s with the spooky voice from earlier: “These are the words of the Beast. And he has woken. He is the heart that beats in the darkness. He is the blood that will never cease. And now he will rise.” Rose backs away as Young Bill Nighy yells at Toby to stand down.
From point zero, the Doctor demands to know what’s happening. So does the captain. Rose fills them in over the communicator. Young Bill Nighy tells Toby again to stand down, and Toby creepy voices that Young Bill Nighy’s wife never forgave him. Young Bill Nighy says he’s authorised to kill, and Toby creepy voices “But how many can you kill?“. He opens his mouth, and squigglies pour out. They fly over to the Ood, who jerk. Toby collapses and the Ood speak in the creepy voice: “We are the Legion of the Beast“.
The Doctor tells Ida that he’s going back. The captain yells for information. The Ood creepy voice some more. Rose says that the Ood are possessed, and Danny says they’re out of control. The Ood inform us that the Beast is also known as Satan, just in case we missed that. An Ood walks up the stairs and uses its glowy ball thing to electrocute one of the guards, and it’s hilarious because the special effects are so terrible. The Ood close in on the team.
Down at point zero, the seal starts to open. The base shakes, and the captain says the entire planet is moving. The Ood close in some more. The Doctor and Ida stare down into the shaft that’s opening. The captain announces that the gravity field is failing and they’re losing orbit. Rose tries to open one of the doors, but it’s all “LOL NOPE”. Down at point zero, the creepy voice says “The Pit is open. And I am free!“. Then it laughs maniacally.
TO BE CONTINUED.
Look, it took a while to get there. But this episode is surprisingly creepy, and it’s definitely one of the best stories of this series for me. Sure, the special effects are a bit crap, and it feels a little like we’ve been here before courtesy of Sunnydale, but the guy playing Toby is so brilliantly creepy that in a lot of ways, this 45 minutes of family television outcreeped a lot of Supernatural episodes for me. Even if the cliffhanger was pretty damned cheesy…
Mari: These part one episodes are always difficult to comment on without it’s Part 2 and the whole story in view. As it is, I liked the bits with Rose and the Doctor a lot, and the whole mystery of the impossible planet and creepy Toby were interesting. Plus, the Ood! I don’t remember too much about their storyline, but when I saw them, my feelings flared a little bit. Oh, Ood. This really was a solid episode and one that left me wanting to immediately jump into the next one.
Next time on Doctor Who: Will the Ood murder everyone’s faces off? Will the Doctor find his TARDIS? Will Satan turn out to be Mark Pellegrino? Find out in S02 E09 – The Satan Pit.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
