Previously: Alfred got stabbed real good.
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Everyone Has a Cobblepot
Marines: Hey, this is a thing we are still doing. And since new episodes are still airing we figured we’d actually try and finish off this season. Cool.
Alex: It’s my fault that this is going out so very late. SORRY, guys (but not really because I hate this show and feel entirely justified in putting it off as long as possible).
Mari: Fair.
We start with the eye gouging in the previouslies because I’m pretty sure the show hates us.
Hospital. Gordon brings Baby Batman some cafeteria food, but none for a recovering Alfred because he can only eat hospital food. Gordon asks Alfred if he knows who stabbed him. Baby Batman starts to speak up, but Alfred cuts him off and says it was too dark. Gordon turns to Baby Batman and ask if he saw anything, but BB is a ride or die, and simply says he didn’t see a thing. Gordon has to go because Essen keeps calling him. Alfred assures Gordon he’s fine, so Gordon leaves.
After he’s gone, Baby Batman asks Alfred why he didn’t just tell the truth about who stabbed him. Alfred says that Sketchy Reggie is a mate. You don’t send the coppers after your mates, even the ones that surprise stab you. Instead, Alfred is going to go after Sketchy Reggie on his own, right now. With a recently closed wound. He struggles out of bed, but Baby Batman shuts that down and orders him back into it.
Alex: In real life I’d probably question this decision to go after an attempted murderer on your own with a recent stab wound, but this is TV-land where the alternative is to report it to the LOLPD, so… fair play, Alfred.
Mari: Point-of-view shot. It’s all fuzzy and bleary. We switch angles and see that Fish is in bed with a bandage over her mauled eye. Doctor Dulmacher is sitting next to her bed. He checks out her good eye and introduces himself. Fish chuckles a bit and says she went through great lengths to meet him. Duclmacher confesses that he doesn’t know what to make of her. Fish sits up a bit and asks him to make her his right hand. Her resume skill set includes: being Falcone’s right hand, seizing control of the prison and scooping out her own eyeball. Dulmacher says he likes her style, but for now she just has to eat. Before he leaves, he says eyes are tricky things and they were running low on stock, so they couldn’t match her original color.
The second Dulmacher is out of the room, Fish takes out her IV, stands shakily to her feet and feels her way over to a mirror. She pulls off the bandage and peels open her swollen lids. The iris underneath is blue.
Alex: Yet another example of Gotham spectacularly failing at dramatic reveals. Fish’s unbandaging was accompanied by some seriously dun-dun-duuuuh music, I guess assuming that we’d be all ‘OMG her eye is blue!’. But, like, the doctor just said that about five seconds ago. He literally just told her that her irises were different colours. This show is so stupid.
Mari: They can’t even do a surprise eyeball right.
GOTHAM STILL HAS CLOUDS AND LIGTENING.
GCPD. Harvey Dent is there with a newspaper and the news that Officer Flass, of drug dealing fame, has been cleared of all charges thanks to a mystery witness provided by the Commissioner. Gordon guesses that Flass is going to be given his position as head of narcotics again, but it’s worse: the commissioner is backing him as president of the police union come election time. This makes Gordon extra growly.
Gordon storms out of Essen’s office only to come face to face with Flass. Flass boasts, Gordon furrows his brow, etc.
We cut to the commissioner’s office. I bet Gordon stomped the whole way there. Gordon growls, the commissioner is smug, etc. Gordon says there is no one with enough credibility to have gotten Flass out. The commissioner pulls out a VHS tape (what.) and plays it for Gordon. It’s Bullock, giving testimony that he presented false evidence against Flass. Gordon is shocked, but I hope we aren’t supposed to be. It could’ve been anyone in Gotham and I wouldn’t have been shocked.
After the ad break, Gordon’s back at the GCPD. Bullock approaches him as normal, but Gordon is having none of it. He asks him outright why he lied to exonerate Flass. Bullock did it to protect his job and also, not get thrown into jail. Gordon correctly assumes that the commissioner has something on Bullock, I guess besides the fact that he’s a terrible cop 87% of the time. Bullock gets a little yell-y as he asks if Gordon thinks he was the only one ever asked to murder someone. HOW DUMB CAN YOU BE, GORDON? OF COURSE ALL THESE OTHER COPS HAVE MURDERED PEOPLE, GOSH. There is something in here about Bullock having his own Cobblepot. Not quite the title, but you know. This is what that means.
Gordon, with a little less growl and scowl, asks who Harvey murdered. It was just some mobster guy. Gordon’s sergeant put a gun in his hand and one to his head, and told him to make a choice. Bullock says he chose to live. Also, he says that most of the cops have their own Cobblepot and the commissioner has the goods on all of them. Gordon says it ends now! and he’ll never fall in line! and other Generic Good Guy Gab.
Alex: zzzzzzzzzzz
Mari: Ed finds Kristen and tells her a fun fact about humans attracting the opposite sex via pheromones in sweat and urine. She says that’s gross and tries to walk around him, but he has a point. Flass was released and he knows that he and Kristen were dating. He’s trying to warn her about him being a bad, bad guy. Kristen touches his arm and says the warning isn’t necessary. She’s already realized there are better men in the world than Arnold Flass. After she leaves, Ed smiles to himself and he touches the spot where Kristen touched him.
Alex: A tenner says she isn’t actually talking about Ed.
Mari: Yeah, I’m not taking that bet.
Diner. Gordon is meeting with Harvey Dent, explaining that Commissioner Loeb has dirt on probably everyone ever. Gordon wants to destroy all of the evidence Loeb has on people so he won’t have blackmail power anymore. Dent knows Loeb wouldn’t keep his stash of evidence anywhere obvious. Apparently, though, they are counting on him keeping it all together and in one place. Hopefully clearly labelled so they know exactly what they are looking at.
Dent suggests following Loeb until he leads them to the stash. Gordon doesn’t have that kind of time. He wonders if Loeb has anyone he would’ve trusted. Dent can’t think of anyone. Loeb was once married but she died after fall down the stairs, which is usually TV Talk for murder. Dent says it’s a real bummer about Bullock. He knows cops have a thing about their partners. That thought leads Dent to a table slapping revelation Gordon doesn’t follow because, well, I guess he can’t be good and smart.
GCPD. Dent leads some dude back to the men’s locker room where Gordon is waiting. He looks really weird just standing there. This man used to be Loeb’s partner. He does the regular denial thing (“Loeb didn’t kill his wife! What secret files?”) and tells the guys they are out of their depth. Gordon uses those A+ detective skills to figure out that Loeb must have something on Old Partner too. Old Partner ends up giving them the name of a Chinese bookkeeper.
On the way out, Dent asks Gordon if he wants to bring Bullock along. Gordon definitely does not.
Fish is walking arm in arm with Dulmacher, insisting she likes the blue eye. They come across another patient who Dulmacher greets pretty warmly. He needs the steady stream of parts from his prisoners for these patients. Fish has put a kink in that plan, of course, though she says that he can get him the bodies he needs. Dulmacher says that he could just kill her and everyone downstairs. Fish assumes that isn’t actually an option since he hasn’t done it yet. Dulmacher leads Fish to his office. There he tells her that he’s fascinated by when a person stops become themselves if he keeps switching out their parts. Fish is all, “cool story, bro,” and asks if they have a deal. Conditionally so. Dulmacher is putting her to the test by sending her downstairs for his guard and some bodies. Fish asks what happens if she fails. Dulmacher pulls back a curtain to reveal the office manager we met in the last episode on a hospital bed. The nurse that’s there pulls back a sheet and we see that his head is attached to all sorts of mix-matched body parts, including a woman’s torso. The office manager sees himself and screams.
I can’t even put into words what this looks like. Here:
OK, I’m done. No, wait.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Mari: That’s about right.
Hospital. Real one. Baby Batman is reading to Alfred. Selina walks into the room. I’d tell you how she knew he was there, but it’s dumb and doesn’t matter. Anyway, she asks Baby Batman how he is and when he hangs his head a bit in reply, gives him a hug. Baby Batman explains about the stabbing and his belief that it happened in response to his meeting with the board. He wants to find Sketchy Reggie and figure out who hired him. Selina thinks he’s out of his mind, but also offers to help. Baby Batman doesn’t want to endanger her too. She says he knows where to find her and leaves.
Dent and Gordon visit a Chinese restaurant. Downstairs they find the man they are looking for and I swear this is the 1000th scene of, “what do you know about this thing?” “NOTHING.” we’ve seen this episode. Bad Bookkeeper gets a phone call and answers his flip phone with a grunt. That’s how I feel about getting phone calls too. I wish I could answer the phone this way. Anyway, Bad Bookkeeper says something to his fellow bookkeeping posse and they all stand with weapons. I really don’t get why Gordon and Dent thought they could just want in and be all, “give me all your secrets! NOW.” Their partner work seems to be half, “LOOK US GOOD GUYS, DOING A THING” and half “OH CRAP. RUN AWAY.”
Clearly outnumbered, they run out, instead. I’m torn because this chase sequence features stereotypical shouting, angry Chinese men, but also it takes up precious episode time. Look at this running I don’t have to recap. It’s great.
Dent and Gorden end up cornered, but Harvey shows up in an automobile and tells them to jump in. Dent wants to go back with back-up, but Bullock says it’s no use. The place will be cleaned out by then. Old Partner set them up and now Loeb knows they are after his evidence stash. Bullock offers to scare Old Partner out of some real information.
We cut to Bullock pushing Old Partner’s torso out of an open door whole Gordon drives. Old Partner quickly confesses that Loeb is in cahoots with Falcone. Gordon says they need someone close to Falcone who’ll talk. Harvey doesn’t think that person exists, but of course he does.
We cut to Penguin’s Lounge. When Gordon and Bullock walk in, he stands up happily and asks how he can help them. After a break, Penguin points out that if he helps them, Falcone could trace it back to him and would be very angry. Falcone might even try to kill him! Again? Probably again. Definitely again. Penguin wants to know what’s in it for him. Gordon promises him a no-questions-asked favor. Penguin points to a super special bottle of booze on the table in front of them and says it’s Maroni’s favorite. That has no point except for Penguin to note that he loves collecting information and wants ten minutes alone with the files to take what he wants. Gordon gives him five and tells him he can’t take anything about cops. Penguin enthusiastically agrees to these terms.
Alex: I’m sure this will work out great. Good job, Gordon.
Mari: Body Part Prison. An angry dude is angry because he thinks Fish isn’t coming back. A hopeful dude is hopeful because he thinks Fish will. Fish shows up JUST THEN! and reminds them that they are a family and family is built on trust. She shares that after speaking with the guy in charge, they need to release the guard and sacrifice a few family members. She yells and points at them though, saying her promise to them remains the same. That promise, of course, was better conditions for most of them.
Bullock, Gordon and Penguin are parked outside of a farmhouse. Bullock doesn’t really believe this is the place so Penguin snarks if maybe he wanted the stash clearly labelled. I MADE THAT JOKE TOO, PEGUIN! COOL.
Penguin doesn’t want to go inside because he doesn’t want anyone to see him. Bullock tells him that’s tough cookies. Just then, a man knocks on their window and asks if they are lost. Penguin says they were sent by Loeb. The old farmer invites them in for tea.
Inside, the boys ask the farmer and his wife some not-so-subtle questions like, “how long have you been here” and “what did you used to do.” Turns out the couple has been living their for 20 years, since Loeb bought the place. Lady Farmer is suspicious of the men and asks why they didn’t hear about their so-called “inspection” and also if maybe she can see some ID. Gordon pulls out his badge. Lady Farmer points to Penguin and says he doesn’t look like a cop at all.
Suspicious noises come from upstairs. Bullock pointedly tells Gordon they should get on with their inspection. Old Farmer sends Lady Farmer to go fetch his keys, but when she comes back, she’s got a gun. Old Farmer whips one out too and a gun fight breaks out. Old Farmer is shot in the arm and Lady Farmer runs into a wall while trying to flee..?
Alex: Good thing Gotham’s criminals are just as incompetent as its cops.
Mari: Gordon and Bullock go upstairs and let themselves into the attic. There they find a total hey! It’s that guy from that thing! IMDB says it’s Nicholle Tom, better known as the girl from the Beethoven movies. She’s dancing around and clearly a little disconnected from reality. Bullock asks who she is and she identifies as Miriam Loeb.
GCPD. Ed’s come over to ask Kristen out but she’s already got dinner plans with another cop named Tom. (A: I knew it.) Kristen introduces them and Tom actually seems like a nice guy as he offers Ed a simple riddle. Ed’s really sad as he asks if Tom is her new boyfriend. She confirms and I think he smacks her butt lightly so maybe I jumped to conclusions when I said, “nice guy.” They take off and Ed is still really sad. But like, angry sad. His teeth are clenched.
Farm of Secrets. Gordon and Bullock and talking to Miriam who says she lives in the attic full time, though her father visits her every Sunday. Bullock is being about as insensitive as you’d expect (maybe a little less, actually…) as he asks if Loeb keeps anything else there, like a room full of important documents or something. Miriam says no. Gordon grabs a nearby picture and asks Miriam what happened to her mother. She hesitates a bit before saying that she died. Miriam wants to show them her new hobby. Bullock and Gordon whisper about how maybe Miriam is a witness to her mother’s murder.
Miriam’s got her new hobby out now. It’s jewelery made from bird bones. Gordon asks some probing questions and Miriam admits that she catches the bird and crushes theirs skulls with her hands. Gordon asks what happened to her mother. She cries a bit as she says that she’s a good person, but sometimes good people make mistakes. Gordon asks if she means like with the birds. Miriam says no because she had to use a candlestick on her mother. It was her night to perform at dinner, but her mother wouldn’t stop singing. And her father covered it all up.
They hear a commotion downstairs. When they get down there, Penguin is on the ground, not dead BECAUSE PENGUINS NEVER DIE! and the Farmers have made a run for it. Penguin asks if they found all the secrets. Gordon says yes, because he means Miriam. She, for her part, is super excited that Penguin looks like a bird. She loves birds and he’s a penguin, see?
Anyway, Loeb offers to handover Bullock’s file, but that’s the only one. Gordon agrees but has one more demand.
Back to the GCPD where a bunch of reporters are down in the pit and Loeb and Gordon are standing upstairs by Essen’s office. Loeb endorses Gordon as president for the police union. Gordon thanks him and brightly announces that it’s a new day in the GCPD.
Gordon later finds Bullock in the locker room and hands him his Permanent Record (or whatever). It’s kind of awkward so Gordon just starts to leave. Bullock tells him right when he gets to the door (because people on TV love waiting to talk to you when you get to the door and not when you are facing them) that he thought he would only do one bad thing and all the good things he did would cancel it out. It doesn’t though. He tells Gordon that Penguin is going to come asking for that favor. He should be careful.
Penguin’s Lounge. He’s drinking Maroni’s favorite alcohol. I REALLY WONDER IF THIS ALCOHOL WILL LATER BE IMPORTANT? The Old Farmer and Lady Farmer are there. It seems Penguin arranged to let them go and gave them an offer to let them escape from Falcone. He says, though, that he only has one ticket so they have to decide who gets to go. Lady Farmer turns on her husband SO QUICK. She chokes him to death. It does her no good because Penguin just shoots her too. He just needed her help because he only had one shell. What a lazy murderer.
Fish goes to see Dulmacher now that her task is complete. He’s impressed and welcomes her to upper management. First job perk is a look out the window! Unfortunately, that look reveals that they are in a house on a small island, naturally surrounded by water. Well. I hope you are a strong swimmer… FISH. A-ha-ha.
Next time: Fish plots her grand swimming escape in S01 E19 – Beasts of Prey.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a thirty-year-old postgrad living in Scotland. When I'm not writing (which, between my degree and Snark Squad, is almost never) I watch entirely too much TV, and live in constant fear of the day that I run out of things to watch.
