Charmed S02 E13 – Manimals are people too!

Previously: It was a while ago. All I know is that Jack is gone.
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Animal Pragmatism

Marines: College. (S: UGH. WHY?) Phoebe is in a class where the professor is talking about some mating rituals, because of course. Because if we’re going to see Phoebe in a class, it’s obviously going to be a class about mating rituals.

There is this dude with hedgehog hair (S: Now they’re just going out of their way to cast men with the worst hair.) in the class who keeps giving Phoebe LOOKS. She returns them and does a little hair flipping. Behind her, some girls start giggling about something and Phoebe asks what’s up with her study group having fun with out her. The ginger of the group jokes that Phoebe looked busy flirting.

Stephanie: So we get college as a new subplot and it still manages to be about men and dating. Cool. 

Mari: Class is dismissed and Phoebe notices that her study group is looking at a book of love spells Lonely Ginger found somewhere and figured might be fun for a dateless Valentine’s Day. Phoebe grabs it and smiles a bit because the book has it all wrong. She suggests some changes to the spell, totally nonchalantly, like being a witch isn’t her biggest secret. She switches the subject to the Valentines Day party at P^3 the next day. She hands them the worst looking flyer I’ve ever seen. What is this?

Steph: You know how back in elementary school, the teachers would have you make holiday cards on construction paper for your parents? That’s what that flyer is. 

Mari: Do better, P’s.

Hedgehog Hair (I feel like I’ve used this nickname before) stayed after class talking to the professor but conveniently finishes up just as Phoebe is preparing to walk out. She invites him to the Fugly Flyer Party with a, “you should come.” This douche goes, “why?” What the heck kind of reaction is that? Phoebe doesn’t think anything of it and just says, “because I’ll be there.” IDK girl. Sounds like a reason to stay home forever.

That night, the study group girls are doing their “joke spell” in which they’ve each brought an animal to turn into a man. Because they totally know this spell won’t work, but still brought live animals. Okay.

The Brunette brought a super smart pig, the Lonely Ginger a rabbit (ew) and the Blond a snake (ew ew). They say the spell but it doesn’t work. Lonely Ginger remembers that the spell is wrong and super genius Phoebe gave them the right words to say. Thankfully, Lonely Ginger records the lectures so she got the whole thing on tape. She plays it back, there’s some smoke and three men appear in the place of the animals. (S: They’re MANIMALS.)(M: A+)

I AM THE SAHN.

Stupid music and establishing shots. We end in the Halliwell kitchen where Prue strolls in, wearing pajamas. Piper makes fun of her a bit for being unemployed now, but Prue is taking it well. She’s looking forward to doing nothing. Piper has big problems, though, and by bigger problems I actually mean that Dan wants to have Valentine’s Day dinner with her. But Leo’s a mortal now. Prue’s basically like, “do what you want.” Not that harshly but almost.

Dorm room. Piggie is hungry, Rabbit exits a room all sweaty because sex (S: Noooo.) and Snake is sitting on the couch planning world domination. He wants to go out and explore the world, so all three manimals exit naked. I can’t believe this is happening to me.

Steph: I can’t imagine the kind of loneliness it must take to make someone think having sex with a man that used to be an animal is a good idea. 

Mari: While living in a dorm room in COLLEGE. Girls, if you are that not-picky, there are surely other options.

The manimals run into Hedgehog Hair who tells them they should probably cover up. Rabbit pushes Hedgehog Hair down. He lands on his butt but somehow manages to get a cut on his forehead. Don’t even worry about it because it actually looks like someone took a Sharpie and colored on this actor’s head. If they aren’t going to put any effort in, neither am I.

Rabbit steals HH’s laundry and I’m sure that this dude’s clothing is going to magically fit all three of these manimals, like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, but you know. Stupider.

Anyway, we cut to P^3 where Piper is carrying around some Valentine’s decorations. She sees a bunch of flowers and asks who they are for. Leo stands up from behind the bar and says they are for her. They aren’t much because he doesn’t have an ID or money or transportation. Way to sell yourself, bro. Piper thanks him for that and pays him his first paycheck. He asks if him working at P^3 is awkward and she unconvincingly says no.

Steph: “Here are some flowers because I love you. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable, though. I love you.” Classic Leo. 

Mari: Dan comes in next with a much bigger arrangement. Piper gives him a big hug, which Leo sees.

Dan gives Leo major cut eye. Total dramz. Piper says she meant to tell Dan about Leo but “things got busy.” She says Leo is just helping out and it’s not a big deal. Dan thinks it is because of that one time, Piper came back from a coma and said Leo’s name. Piper says she doesn’t have words for any of that, but she is looking forward to Valentine’s Day dinner! That seems to be enough for Dan.

Prue is alone at home and clearly struggling with being alone at home. (S: I can’t relate to any of these women. Maybe that’s why I hate this show so much.) Phoebe calls and asks if anyone from her study group called, because they didn’t show up for their section. As she’s talking, Piggie sees a hot dog vendor and pushes him. He grabs a bunch of hot dogs and throws them, telling his brothers to run free. Phoebe finds this amusing, which is cool, because at least one person should.

Prue asks Phoebe out for lunch or maybe a gym session, but Phoebe is too busy. Plus, she next sees Rabbit attacking a woman. Phoebe hangs up and runs over there. When she taps on Rabbit’s shoulder she gets a premonition of him aggressively nuzzling a woman’s neck. Rabbit turns and tries to punch her, but Phoebe delivers a Very Useful Kick. Rabbit takes off running. Phoebe makes sure the victim is okay and then runs after Rabbit. He loses her, though, by doing some kind of super jump. Phoebe looks confused.

Steph: These manimals are supposed to have the traits of the animals they once were, right? So why is this rabbit so crazy? 

Mari: Someone on the writing team really hates rabbits.

Prue comes over to P^3 because she’s done doing nothing. Piper is wrapping up Dan’s Valentine’s gift, a book about San Francisco architecture. Prue asks what Piper got Leo. Because it’s apparently a very DUH thing that she should get her ex-boyfriend a gift same as her boyfriend on Valentine’s Day.

Phoebe arrives next and tells them about her premonition. Piper complains the whole time because it’s Valentine’s Day and she doesn’t want it to be ruined. She tries to convince Phoebe that the premonition wasn’t someone biting a girl, but rather, some totally innocent Valentine’s Day kissing. That Phoebe got a premonition about. Piper asks if no one cares that she has a dinner date with Dan, holding up the book she bought them. For some reason, Phoebe thinks this is what Dan got Piper, even though she’s in the middle of wrapping it. And their dinner date is that night. Piper is not amused, especially when Phoebe asks what she got for Leo.

The study group girls get home to find the manimals waiting for them. They saw the spell book and want to know how long they’ll be humans. They only have 12 hours left, which they find unacceptable. Snake asks them to make it last longer and Rabbit growls at them menacingly. The Brunette is all, “NO GUYS.” but Lonely Ginger and Blond think this is a totally awesome idea and there is nothing wrong with all the threatening things the manimals are saying. Blond says she doesn’t know how to fix the spell, but knows who does. Lonely Ginger says she has the class roster too, so she knows where Phoebe lives. That’s weird. Brunette starts to protest, but Snake cuts her off and tells the other girls to go on ahead. They don’t really find this suspicious either.

After Lonely Ginger and Blond are gone, Snake attacks Brunette.

Steph: Does he? I thought he was just aggressively hugging her. Which, thinking of it more, is probably how a snake would attack someone. Now it all makes sense. 

Mari: Phoebe accompanies Piper to pick up a card for Leo.

    Phoebe sees the love spell book the study group girls have on sale at this store. Piper is all, “but that stuff doesn’t work, RIGHT PHOEBE?” Realization dawns and Phoebe takes off to call Prue. Piper picked up a “For you. Always.” card and puts it back. She picks up for for a “dear friend” instead. In the next aisle over, Leo picks out the “For you. Always.” card.

Piper gets back to P^3 and finds that Dan has laid out rose petals, chocolate covered strawberries and champagne. She thanks him and looks real uncomfortable as she tries to hide the card she has in her hand. Dan asks if that’s for him and practically rips it out of her hand. Dan looks real unhappy about the “dear friend” but quickly figures out the card is for Leo. Piper points out that it says friend right on the card! She doesn’t want to end that friendship and Dan is going to have to deal with it. Piper says she has to work now and she’ll see Dan later. He leaves with a dry, “fine.”

Steph: Oh my god, break up with him already. I can’t deal with this anymore. 

Mari: If only we were that lucky.

The manimals break into the Halliwell house and the study group girls are finally like, “maybe this is weird!” The spell is wearing off quickly, but none of the Halliwells are home. Snake gets tired of Lonely Ginger and Blond protesting, so he bites both of them. He doesn’t really look like he’s biting them and there are no puncture marks but SURE. HE BITES THEM. Piggie isn’t having fun anymore now, but Snake and Rabbit ignore him.

Snake tongue-sniffs the flyer and gets a good whiff of Phoebe’s scent. The study group girls will die in four hours which should provide Phoebe the motivation she needs to help them. Piggie protests some more, so they snap his neck.

Phoebe and Prue visit the dorm. They see Hedgehog Hair and Phoebe gets temporarily distracted with the flirting, but Prue pulls her back down. Inside the dorm room, the girls find a mess, though Phoebe somehow figures the study group girls didn’t make it. They hear some muffled screaming and find Brunette locked in the closet, inside of a cage. They stare at her for a really long time, instead of jumping to HELP THE GIRL IN A CAGE.

After a not!break, we’re back at the Manor. Brunette reluctantly tells them the story of how they played back Phoebe’s corrected spell and made men out of animals. Phoebe heads to the kitchen to grab some hydrogen peroxide to clean Brunette’s cuts. Prue notices that the front door has been broken into and about the same time, Phoebe opens the pantry door and dead Piggie comes tumbling out. She screams and Prue and Brunette run into the kitchen. Brunette ID’s dead Piggie as one of the manimals. Prue asks what the manimals want and Brunette says they want Phoebe to help them stay men. Brunette spies the ugliest flyer ever on the fridge and says that’s where the manimals will be.

Snake flags down a car and says he’s run out of gas. Killer Rabbit super jumps out of nowhere onto the hood of the car, really for no reason, because Snake just snaps his neck.

Steph: Seriously, what is up with Rabbit? Rabbits are prey animals, not monsters. 

Mari: At P^3, Piper gets filled in via phone call. Leo asks what’s wrong and Piper vaguely says they’ve got a problem and Leo should keep an eye on anyone who asks for Phoebe. Hedgehog Hair walks up right there and asks for Phoebe, so Piper tells him to have a seat and don’t move. Leo says he wants to help (um, she just told you to keep an eye out for people asking for Phoebe, you big dolt) but Piper says she doesn’t want him to because he’s human now and could get hurt. Leo sees Dan walk in and sads away. Dan and Piper make up but she isn’t ready to go. Dan snits about how this will probably be another vague matter of life and death, but all Piper was going to say is that she’s running late and can he please wait for her at the bar.

Snake and Rabbit arrive and act very suspiciously.

Steph: Ew, Rabbit is wearing a tank top with a vest over it. If I seem fixated on Rabbit, it’s because everything about him makes me want to throw up. 

Mari: Prue, Phoebe and Brunette are right behind them. Leo tells them where to find Piper and agrees to watch Brunette while they finish up the spell to get rid of the animals. Brunette asks who he is and he significantly says he’s “just a friend.”

Prue and Phoebe find Piper and they sit and chat a bit about how their men always tend to be present when they are about to take out some evil. Just then Darryl shows up. He’s there to warn them because of the string of violent crimes on campus and in their neighborhood, plus the stolen car parked outside. (S: Essentially there is no reason for Darryl to show up now.) Leo comes in with the salt Phoebe needs for the spell. Brunette follows after him and spots Snake and Rabbit. Snake is shedding skin and Rabbit’s eyes are red. Darryl heads toward them, but Prue astral projects to stop him. I don’t get why she astral projected such a short distance, but OKAY.

Phoebe’s finally got her spell together. She says it even though Astral Projected Prue is like, “NO!” Prue gets back in her body and says that the manimals hid the girls and they need to keep them human. Phoebe runs to the curtains and pulls them back. Everyone in the club is now a badly CGIed animal. Tragedy.

Steph: “How can we make this even worse?” One writer said to the other writer. 

Mari: Phoebe is working on a spell to fix it and Prue and Phoebe are heading out to see if they can find kidnapped girl clues in the stolen car. Of course, they are in the trunk because Snake and Rabbit are dumb. Phoebe works out an amazing couplet to undo the spell. Seriously, it’s just a rhyme so IDK what the big deal of her being the one that writes the spells is. Get a rhyming dictionary, girl. Call it a day.

All of the animals are turned back to people and the horrible singer sings on. Outside, Snake and Rabbit are turned back as well and they attack Prue and Piper. With a combination of powers, kicks and hits to the groin, they manage to fend off the attacks. Prue says she has an idea for what to do with them. Next we see them being arrested. Rabbit says at least they are human for good now (um, how?) and Snake tells him to shut up.

Darryl comes over to say he doesn’t even want to know how they managed all of this. Prue asks if they remember when their biggest Valentine’s Day concern was who to spend it with. (S: So like… every other day?) Piper is like, “still a problem for me!” because obvs. Darryl just shakes his head as they leave.

Back in the club, Phoebe is dancing with Hedgehog Hair. Prue realizes she likes to be busy and needs to find something she wants to be busy at.

Steph: Ugh, no. Prue’s not going to start another job, is she? I thought the point of chucking Buckland was to consolidate all the work scenes to the club. 

Mari: Piper has a chat with Dan about how he needs to deal with the fact that she’s real busy. Dan is willing to deal with it, but also says that sometimes he’s a jealous dude. She can’t change that about him. Dan wants to have the rest of this conversation over dinner. Piper has to grab her purse first. There, she finds the “For You. Always.” card from Leo. It says some crap about how now he’s a handyman again! The same guy she fell in love with. She looks up and sees Leo. They slow motion walk toward each other and kiss, but it’s all in Piper’s head. Instead, they just look at each other and smile awkwardly.

Steph: What’s the opposite of shipping a couple? Because that’s how I feel about everything I just saw. I don’t want any of it. 

Next time on Charmed: A previous life comes back to haunt Phoebe in S02 E14 – Pardon My Past.