Previously: A really rape-y season, Joffrey was killed, Shae was killed, Tywin was killed, Oberyn was killed, Ygritte was killed, The Hound was presumably killed, the dragons killed some goats and a kid, and happiness was also killed.
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The Wars to Come
Marines: Everything is usually so shiny and bright when a new season starts! I’ll admit that I’m more hesitant than normal this time ’round because season four started off on such a prolonged, sour note. However, I still got pretty damn giddy when the credits music started. Here we are again, friends! Ready or not.
Democracy Diva: READY. So ready. I may have been running around my apartment singing the GoT theme song to myself in preparation. Also, hi, Traumateers! I’m so excited to be joining the GoT recaps. I read the books, and I will try not to be a dick about the fact that I read the books.
Sweeney: That’s always easier said than done. Also, considering how totally fucking done I was by the end of last season, I was surprised by how PUMPED I was about this new season. I’ve missed you, Lying Liar Credits! And you, dramatic theme music! And you too, actor names!
Mari: The Lying Liar credits show us: King’s Landing; The Eyrie; Winterfell no longer on fire, but flying the flayed man of the House Bolton, which is even more depressing than fire; The Wall looking miserable as ever; and finally across the Narrow Sea as we zoom by Pentos to Meereen.
Season five starts with two girls walking through muck and mud. The brunette doesn’t want to be out here in the muck and mud and is worried what will happen if the blond girl’s father finds out. My sister called right away that blondie was Cersei, but I was a little confused because I couldn’t remember what Myrcella looked like and thought this might be her. (D: Same! I knew to expect a young Cersei, and I STILL thought it was her daughter.) It is a young Cersei, however. Young Cersei (if I may call her that) (D: She would hate that; I approve) tells Reluctant Girl not to be afraid of her father and the “BE AFRAID OF ME.” is implied. Young Cersei and Reluctant Girl approach and enter a shady looking hut. It’s shady mostly by virtue of being alone in a woods which, lol. Who even? Shady people, that’s who.
Diva: It’s the Woods of Don’t Go In There. I mean, nothing good has ever happened in the woods, anywhere, ever, except for this:
Mari: In the hut Young Cersei finds a sleeping woman. Reluctant Girl backs into a cage and the animal inside screeches, waking the woman. She’s grumpy, having just been unceremoniously woken up from her nap, and tells the girls to get out. Young Cersei holds her ground because she knows the woman is a witch and wants to hear her fortune told. She demands it on the grounds of this being her father’s land and threatens to have the witch’s boring eyes gouged out of her head unless she gets to fortune telling. The witch laughs mirthlessly.
She hands Young Cersei a knife because she needs a taste of blood. Young Cersei slices her thumb and the witch sucks on it for a bit. Damn, couldn’t we have done some tea leaves or something?
Anyway, Young Cersei gets to ask the witch three questions. First she asks when she’ll marry the prince she’s been promised to. The witch replies that she won’t marry the prince; she’ll marry the king. Young Cersei wastes a question clarifying that she will in fact be queen. Witch says she will be, for a time. “Then comes another, younger, more beautiful to cast you down and take all you hold dear.”
Final question. She asks if she and the king will have children. Witch says no. She will have three kids and he will have twenty. Young Cersei doesn’t understand this but the witch keeps going: gold will be their crown, gold their shrouds. Then the witch laughs because she done told you to get out when you woke her up from the nap. Young Cersei looks pissed a drop of her blood drips to the ground.
Diva: Life lesson: Never wake a sleeping baby/blood mage/Snark Lady.
Mari: We actually have a “who disturbs my slumber” tag, so yes.
As I was looking for gifs of this, Tumblr informed me that there are two popular opinions for who this younger, more beautiful queen will be:
I have my favorite:
IDK if that even makes sense but SANSAS FOR QUEEN OF EVERYTHING!
Diva: And one more option, though she’s not actually in this episode: newly-recast Myrcella, still chilling in San Francisco Dorne with flowers in her hair!
Sweeney: TEAM SANSA FOREVER. Also, I flailed and lost my mind over seeing this line. As someone who spends a lot of time on Tumblr, I’ve seen approximately four hundred iterations of these gifsets. I have no idea how well done this scene actually was because I was too busy being distracted by watching TV do the thing.
Mari: Additionally, it’s pretty much never a good time to be a woman in this world, but I’m digging how pivotal Cersei feels to everything. The first ever flashback on this show, and it’s tied to Cersei and her life, her fate, and ultimately, the next powerhouse woman who will replace her.
Diva: This season is particularly scary for book-readers because the show is veering farther from the books than ever before. But when the episode opened with Flashback!Cersei, I realized her storyline would be anchoring the season, and I am SO GODDAMN EXCITED ABOUT THAT.
Sweeney: Minus the book reading feels, cosign to all of this. Hate her though I do, Cersei is such an incredibly compelling character and most of the time, she’s a kick ass plot anchor. I’m into it, show. More of this.
Mari: Moving on. Present day. Cersei arrives at Tywin’s wake. The streets are lined with mourners and there is a particularly long shot of Margaery amongst them. Cersei tells the septon to keep the mourners waiting because she wants some moments alone with her father.
Inside the Sept of Baelor, Tywin’s body looks extra creepy with his rock eyes. (D: I’m still having nightmares.) Also, Jaime is already there. I’m spoiling the #gameofsnark Tweets below, but quite a few of you had a “OMG JAIME NEAR HIS SISTER AND A DEAD BODY” knee-jerk reaction which: legit.
Sweeney: It’s been a year, but it’s STILL TOO SOON, SHOW. Still too soon.
Mari: Cersei snits that Tywin never wanted Jaime to be part of the Kingsguard, and here he is, protecting Tywin’s dead body. Jaime pretty much ignores that and says that Tywin built his legacy for them and their enemies are going to try and take it all away. Cersei is really isn’t buying this story about all of their supposed haters because she’d rather focus her hate and blame on Tyrion. She also blames Jaime for freeing Tyrion, meaning that Jaime indirectly killed Tywin. Cersei lays the guilt on thick and Jaime clenches his jaw a lot.
Peep hole in a box. Through the limited point of view shot, we see the box being transported until it is set down rather gruffly somewhere and opened up. Tyron comes tumbling out, looking like… well, like he’s traveled by tiny box for a long time. (D: I assume it’s a lot like flying United.) Varys is the one who let him out. Tyrion doesn’t understand why he had to stay in the crate even after they set sail. Varys doesn’t feel too guilty about leaving him in there, though he says it was to make sure no one caught Tyrion and by extension him. There’s a bit of talk about pooping in a box before Varys says that they are in Pentos at the home of a colleague of Varys’ name Illyrio Mopatis. Varys and Mopatis belong to a group of people who saw Robert Baratheon for the disaster he was and decided to support a Targaryen restoration. Varys says that started a chain of mistakes that have led them to Pentos.
Diva: It’s pretty much impossible to remember this because there’s been eight hundred middle-aged white dudes with beards on this show, but we met Illyrio Mopatis all the way back in Season 1. He orchestrated Daenerys’s wedding to Khal Drogo, and gave Dany the dragon eggs that are now, you know, fully-grown monsters murdering children all over the place.
Sweeney: OOOH. Crazy. See, this is why we need book readers around. When Mari and I were in California, my brother was talking about some other S1 character (a Northerner) and Mari and I looked at each other totally dumbfounded because we had no idea who he was talking about. This was mind boggling to us because as show-watchers go, we feel pretty IN THE KNOW, since we spend several hours with every episode – and we’ve both seen the first season more than once – but we drew a complete blank. I had forgotten how much of the first season especially was spent going, “Wait, do we need to remember this random old white man too?”
tl;dr – it’s good to have someone with in depth knowledge of the random old white men to catch these big callback moments.
Mari: I came to this realization, about who Illyrio is way, way later in the recap. WELCOME, DEMOCRACY DIVA.
Meanwhile, Tyrion has found some wine and hasn’t responded at all to Varys’s speech about needing to save Westeros from itself. As Tyrion sips and mumbles to himself, Varys asks, “my lord?” Tyrion wonders if he still is a lord, seeing as how he killed his father and all. Varys says that Tyrion already drank himself across the narrow sea, but Tyrion doesn’t see why he should stop now. Varys wants to have real talk right now about the future of their country. Keeping on with the poo theme, Tyrion says the future is shit, just like the past. Then he throws up all the wine he just drank. Then he drinks more wine.
Sweeney: Solid strategy.
Mari: Get your Goblets of Win in early and often.
Mereen. The big, gold statue atop the city is pulled down and causes a lot of structural damage on the way down. I hope the symbolism is worth it.
Some of the Unsullied stand around it dramatically as it crashes to the ground. We focus on one soldier in particular as he smiles. Cut to him walking back past a woman who provides us the first boob shot of season 5! At minute 16, too. I wonder how much restraint that took. Unsullied Dude finds the woman he’s looking for, pays her, and is led inside a room. There, she starts undoing his pants but he stops her because he’s only here for the cuddle special. It’s rather heartbreaking. The woman climbs in bed with him, with her as the big spoon. She hums him a song and we watch that for some seconds before a shadow falls over them, a hand extends into the scene, a knife slits his throat, and he starts bleeding out.
Diva: Boobs! Blood! Heartbreaking encounters with prostitutes! You’re really back, Game of Thrones.
Mari: The woman stands and next to her is a person in black robes wearing a gold mask. They look down on the Unsullied Dude and we get one more good shot the dying, blood spurt and all.
Cut to Daenerys. Barristan Selmy is showing her the gold mask, filling her in on the murder of the Unsullied man by the Sons of the Harpy. Selmy says that conquerors are always met with resistance. Dany clarifies that she didn’t conquer anything; their own people staged the uprising. A man nearby that I had to Google because I cannot remember seeing him ever (Mossador) says that ‘they’ (like, “the man” they) do not see the ex-slaves as people. ASOIAF Wiki says that Mossador is actually Missandei’s brother? I only glanced so as to avoid spoilers. I wonder if they’ll make that connection in the show.
Dany puts her angry voice on and says that Unsullied Dude did not risk his life fighting for freedom to have a man in a mask take it away. She wants him to be buried publicly, with honor, and in the Temple of the Graces. Selmy and Mossador tag-team to let Dany know that this will make the Sons of the Harpy real angry-like, but Dany says that “angry snakes lash out,” and that makes it easy to chop of their heads. Unless they are poisonous angry snakes, in which case, WHOOPS!
A bunch of Unsullied are putting their armor on when Missandei walks in and asks to speak to Grey Worm alone. He head nods to the other soldiers who dutifully file out. Missandei has heard that Unsullied Dude’s body was found in a brothel and that other Unsullied soldiers are known to frequent the brothels. She asks him why. This is also oddly heartbreaking. It’s like she wants to hear, “oh, girl! We can still kiss and cuddle…” but all she gets from Grey Worm is a gruff, “I do not know.” He takes his leave.
Diva: The Missandei/Grey Worm relationship gives me a whole bunch of feels.
Mari: Ah, the Wall. Where the most epic and the most boring things happen, all at once. Jon is training a little dude, while Gilly and Samwell sit nearby. Gilly is sewing and wondering if maybe Sam shouldn’t be training too, but he’s still riding the high of amazingly escaping last season with his life. (S: It’s only when spelled out in snark form that I realize that tragically boring Samwell is actually all of us. “BITCH, I SURVIVED FOUR SEASONS IN WESTEROS! I AM LEGENDARY. I’MMA FUCK OFF AND READ BOOKS FOR A WHILE.”) Alliser Thorne walks by long enough to glare at Gilly and say some randomly menacing things. Sam’s a bit worried about what will happen if Alliser becomes Lord Commander because he hates Wildlings. It isn’t a sure thing, though, because some other Wall guy is running against him.
Jon is still training but it ends when Creepy Red Lady Melisandre shows up. She’s here to (creepily) announce that the king wants a word with Jon. We cut to the most awkward elevator ride ever, as Jon and Melisandre are hoisted up along the wall. She’s just staring at that shampoo-commercial hair flying in the ice cold wind. Creepily. When she won’t stop looking, Jon asks if she isn’t cold. She isn’t because “the lord’s fire burns within [her].” I hope for you Melisandre, that that burning sensation is the lord’s fire and nothing else.
Sweeney: Also, girl, telling some dude you just met about the burning within you is total TMI. You’ve got some social cues to learn.
Mari: Next up on the awkward ride, Melisandre asks Jon if he’s a virgin. He replies honestly (no) and she replies creepily (good).
Sweeney: Sorry, clearly I jumped the gun – there are much bigger gaps in her understanding of what constitutes Appropriate Elevator Banter.
Mari: It’s okay. How could you even know how that would progress?
Up at the top, they find Stannis standing with the Onion Knight Ser Davos. Missandre presents him as “the bastard of Winterfell” and Jon kneels before Stannis. Once he’s up again, Stannis asks him if he knows who rules Winterfell now. “Roose Bolton,” he replies as we all cry. Stannis asks if Jon doesn’t want to avenge his brother. Jon says he wants a great many things, but he’s a sworn brother of the Night’s Watch now. Davos jumps in and says that he’s been asking around and a lot of men like Jon, but a lot of them also don’t. Plus, he heard that he took a Wildling girl’s body north of the Wall. Jon says that’s where she belonged and Wildling are just people born on the wrong side of the Wall. Like the wrong side of the tracks, but Westeros style.
Anyway, the point of all this is that Stannis says he’s going to win the North back and kill Roose Bolton. I’m no fan of Stannis Baratheon but if he kills Ramsay Bolton as well, then I’d be a fan of Stannis Baratheon. (S: SAME. I’d go from “Ugh, Stannis” to “#TEAMSTANNIS” real quick if he could get Ramsay Bolton the fuck out of everywhere.) In order to do all this taking back and killing, though, he’s going to need more men. Jon think he means the Night’s Watchmen but Stannis is like, “LOL. No.” He’s talking about the Wildlings. He says that and then walks away dramatically, leaving Jon to jog after him to clarify: he wants the Wildlings to fight in his army? Yep. He’s going to offer them pardon, freedom, and some land to live on if they help him win back the North. Plus, Mance Rayder has to pledge his loyalty. Jon says that’s not going to happen and Stannis walks away again.
They pedeconference (D: not to be confused with pedoconference) (M: being held in Rosewood, perpetually.) about Mance and in the end, Stannis asks Jon to convince Mance to bend the knee. Either that, or he burns. Then Stannis turns around and head back to where he just came from. So, he was just walking around to be a dick, basically.
From Jon we go over to what I’m assuming is the Eyrie. Robin Arryn is training, but by that I mostly mean falling over himself while holding a sword. Littlefinger and Sansa (!) (S: !!!) are watching along with another man closed captioning tells me is “Royce.” Royce is making fun of Robin when a servant delivers a message for Littlefinger. Sansa looks over, but Littlefinger catches her and she shifts her gaze. Littlefinger says at least Robin has the gift of a great name.
On the way out, Sansa thanks Lord Royce for everything he’s done. Littlefinger trusts that when he comes back Robin’s skills would’ve improved. Royce wisely makes no promises beyond keeping the young man safe.
Brienne is broodily cleaning her sword. Podrick is around, doing work and being chatty. He wonders if they’ll go North since Sansa has a brother at Castle Black. Brienne is still pretending she doesn’t want Pod around, or something. She tells him he’s safe now and can go, but Podrick says he’s her squire. She reminds him that she’s not a knight, so he’s no squire. Pod doesn’t leave. He says that she promised to protect the Stark girls and even though Arya didn’t want Brienne’s protection, Sansa might still. She tells him to shut up and broods about not wainting anyone to follow her because she isn’t a leader.
Diva: Brienne, girl, I know you’re going through a lot, but try not to take it out on Pod. He’s a sweetie, and he has absolutely nowhere else to go. Also Cersei will probably murder him just for being Tyrion’s ex-squire, so maybe just keep him safe under your wing plz k thanx I love Pod bye.
Mari: Pod hears horses and stands to look. On a nearby road, he sees a carriage accompanied by a group of knights.
We head down there and see it is Sansa and Littlefinger. She asks where they are headed. Littlefinger told Lord Royce they were going to the Fingers, but they are headed in a different direction. Sansa thinks that if Royce were going to betray them, he would’ve done it already. Littlefinger says Royce isn’t alone in the castle, however. He asks Sansa if he trusts all of those knights, ladies, and servants. “No,” she deadpans. “Do you trust the carriage driver or the knights escorting us?” Littlefinger chuckles. He doesn’t, but he pays them well and is also a scary boss. That’s the implication. Sansa asks where they are going then. “To a land where you trust everyone?” Damn, this dye job has upped her sass game. (S: IT’S AMAZING.) But no. They are headed to a land so far, not even Cersei Lannister can get her hands on Sansa.
Funeral. Loras is offering his condolences to Cersei, who is drinking wine and looking out over the crowd. She spots Margaery sidling up to Tommen and whispering something. They part with a lingering hand hold. Cersei blandly thanks Loras for his kind words and leaves him. As she walks, Maester Pycelle tries to engage her, but she doesn’t even acknowledge him before walking away. Next up, a young man who is barefoot and wearing a potato sack. Cersei looks him over and identifies him for all of us after a long between season break: cousin Lancel. Of “my name is Cersei and I was sleeping with my cousin Lancel” fame.
As Lancel offers his condolences, his father, um, Uncle Lannister (every time I Google something, it’s a guaranteed 5 minute distraction. We’ll go with Uncle Lannister for now…) interrupts and apologizes for Lancel’s potato sack fashion. Lancel just kind of rolls his eyes and leaves so Uncle Lannister can give us more information: apparently, the whole sack thing is part of a religious movement. They call themselves Sparrows. Cersei says she’s sure Lancel will grow out of it and leaves again.
Diva: Fundamentalism looks surprisingly good on Lancel. He can werq that buzz cut/potato sack combo.
Mari: Cersei’s alone in a room, still drinking when Sparrow Lancel comes from out of the shadows. She asks what he wants and he asks for forgiveness.
Sweeney: I have missed that bitch face to end all bitch faces.
Mari: He tells her he found peace in the light of the seven and she can find it too, then offers to pray for Tywin’s soul. Cersei gets a good chuckle out of that. As if.
Loras is in bed with Olyvar, who is checking out his Dorne-shaped birthmark. Margaery walks in on them and has no craps to give that she’s interrupting because she’s hungry. She just walks right in, grabs some fruit and sits down on the bed. Olyvar isn’t jumping to take any hints, though, so Margaery has to repeat that the they are late for dinner. After Olyvar is gone, Margaery asked whatever happened to being discreet (…and locking doors) but it’s season 5 and Loras is over that, because everyone knows he’s gay now. Margaery tells him to get a move on so he won’t keep his intended waiting. Loras laughs because now that Tywin is dead, there isn’t anyone in the world who could make Cersei marry him. That’s good news for him (see: unlocked doors while having sex) and bad news for Margaery who will have Cersei living in King’s Landing as her full time mother-in-law. “Perhaps,” Margaery says nonchalantly. “Perhaps?” Loras asks, because that sounds kind of murdery. “Perhaps,” Margaery confirms.
Pentos. Tyrion is still hanging out in that outdoor garden place where we last saw him. He’s a little more cleaned up but he’s still drinking. Varys comes to see him for another serious chat. Tyrion starts it off by asking why Varys took the huge risk of releasing him. Varys didn’t do it for Tyrion, but for the Seven Kingdoms. Tyrion says he can’t be the savior of Westeros, but Varys doesn’t believe in saviors. He thinks men of talent have an important role to play in the war to come. He nearly snagged the star but it’s wars, so no.
Sweeney: You’ve got to really earn that star and lacking the prescience to see that we are in for A FUCK TON OF WARS is not star-worthy.
Mari: Tyrion says he’s done with Westeros, but Varys insists.
He asks if Tyrion would spread misery if he sat on the Iron Throne. Tyrion is in too real a mood right now and simply answers that he’ll never sit on the Iron Throne. Varys is like, “you’re right,” but softens that blow by saying he could help someone else climb the steps to the most uncomfortable seat in the world. Someone who’s stronger than Tommen but gentler than Stannis, who could intimidate and inspire, a ruler with an army and the right family name. Tyrion wishes him good luck finding him. Various straightens and asks, “who said anything about him?” Various gives Tyrion a choice: a.) stay at Illyrio’s palace and drink himself to death or b.) go with him to Mereen and meet Daenerys Targaryen. Tyron choses c.) drink himself to death on the road to Meereen.
Also, this is about the point I realized who Illyrio was and his part in getting Dany married to Kahl Drogo. This group Varys belongs to is A+ on their plotting schemes.
Diva: Right? I’m on Team Sneaky Dudes Getting Shit Done, As Long As They’re Not Littlefinger.
Sweeney: I’m on Team It’s So Impressive That You Guys Remember Stuff!
Mari: Hizdahr zo Loraq is walking through Meereen with Daario Naharis. He notices that the Unsullied are patrolling the streets and wonders when that started.
Inside Daenerys’s Pyramid of Power, Hizdahr reports that his trip to Yunkai was a success and they set up some council. They did ask for some concessions, however. Daenerys is like, “lol, whut?” Hizdahr says that politics is about compromise but Daenerys reminds him that she isn’t a politician; she’s a queen. Damn. He got Khaleesied.
Hizdahr tries to go another route and says that it’s easier to rule happy subjects than angry subjects. The people at Yunkai are asking for the reopening of the fighting pits. Sure, slaves used to fight in them, but now the free men want to. Daario whips out his knife (not a metaphor for anything) and it’s super distracting. IDK what’s doing.
Diva: I think his knife has naked ladies on the hilt, and he’s stroking them. You know. Like you do.
Mari: Anyway, Dany says no to the fighting pits and Hizdahr keeps trying to use, like, logic and stuff to try to explain this to Dany but she snaps at him with a final HELL NO.
Cut to Dany in bed, telling a naked Daario that she’s definitely never going to reopen the fighting pits. Daario tells her she should. See, his mother was a whore.
PAUSE FOR OBLIGATORY FIFTY SHADES TRAUMA.
Sweeney: A+, 1430, perfection.
Mari: Anyway, Daario continues to earn his Crack Whore Award for awesome storytelling, by telling us his mother sold him into slavery, he learned to fight in the pits, and that made him the man he is today. Everyone is too afraid of Dany to tell her the truth, but Daario isn’t. He tells her that she’s made lots of enemies across the world who will strike as soon as they see weakness. She needs to show her strength. Dany starts to say something about the Unsullied but Daario’s like, “WE WANT DRAGONS! WE WANT DRAGONS!” Unfortunately, no one has seen Drogon in weeks and Dany can’t control them anymore. Daario gently tells her that a dragon queen with no dragons isn’t really a queen.
I guess Dany was like, “welp. Better get my dragons.” She goes to visit them in indefinite time-out and they are just hanging out. Just kidding. They’re pissed.
Wall. Jon goes to see Mance, who already knows what Stannis wants from him. He concedes that Stannis is bold and would probably be the best ruler the kingdom has seen in recent history, but that doesn’t mean Mance will serve him. Jon gets all speech-y about how Mance brought all the clans together to save them from the ever-coming winter. Wouldn’t saving them be more important than Mance’s pride? Mance says it isn’t about pride. The Wildlings respect him but that will be all gone if he bends the knee to a southern king. (S: Total aside, but the language politics of the north/south stuff still delights me, even five seasons in.) He asks how he’ll die and when Jon tells him “burned alive” his face twitches a bit. Legit. He doesn’t want to die that way, but he think that’s still a better option than betraying everything he believes in. Jon tries one more time, asking what will happen to the Wildings when winter and the White Walkers come. Mance finally has to hit him with a, “if you have to ask, you’ll never know.”
Sweeney:
Mari: Jon thinks Mance is making a terrible mistake. Mance says all he ever wanted was the freedom to make his own mistakes.
Diva: 1430 for the guy playing Mance. He just breathed so much life into a character that could have easily just been yet another almost-king.
Mari: Later, Mance is led out to his execution. We get a long look at the pyre from his point of view. Stannis says there can only be one Highlander, and if Mance bends the knee, he’ll be shown mercy. Ginger NotMance is watching. Jon is watching. But Mance will not kneel. He wishes Stannis good fortune in the wars to come and thus earns the first star of the season, and right before he dies too! Just focus on the shininess, Mance!
Sweeney: As is the way with Westeros, you see what’s really going on, which means it’s time for you to die. But we offer you this parting gift…
Mari: They start tying Mance up and he looks scared as hell. Creepy Red walks up and announces that everyone must choose light or darkness, good or evil. Real funny coming from the lady whose vagina expels dark, evil monsters, but whatever. She tells the Free Folk that this is the fate of those who choose darkness. She lights the pyre on fire. We watch this for quite a while as Mance goes from scared, to uncomfortable to, you know, burning alive. I think I mentioned this when Dany burned the witch, but watching people being burned alive or buried alive are my two real big squicks. This is rough.
Jon Snow walks away. As Mance starts screaming, Gilly looks away. Selyse Baratheon is smiling from where she stands. Precious Shireen closes her eyes. It’s getting real bad for Mance when suddenly an arrow hits him in the heart. Everyone turns to see where it came from, and there is Jon, holding his bow. Mance dies. Roll ending credits.
I thought this was a super solid season opener. As always, and with a cast so big, they couldn’t show everyone or spend significant time with everyone, so I know that’s going to bug some people. (ARYA!) Still, when you consider where we left off last season, this was a good repositioning episode. The war of the five kings is no longer with Renly dead, Robb dead and Joffrey dead. Factor in every other major death and a few location changes for certain characters, this really is about, well, what wars are to come. Where does everyone stand, who is fighting who, and what do they need. Who steps up as supreme evil now that Tywin and Joffrey are gone? (I don’t know if I want to know…)
There is a running theme here of failing power. Not even taking into account the flashback, the episode is bookended by a dead Tywin and a dead Mance, two men who commanded vast armies and had some aspect of power shifted in their favor. Both shot with arrows too, when all was said and done. The flashback itself is about a girl who will rise to Queen, only to also see that position go to another. I have to say that the prophecy that just gives me all these feelings when I thought about Cersei growing up with these words, and seeing them slowly come to pass. Even Dany with her massive army and pulling down of statues is not immune. She can’t control her dragons and we’re seeing hints that she won’t be able to control the people.
Diva: An extremely strong premiere. It was rough not seeing Arya, particularly because last season ended with her boarding a mystery ship to who-knows-where and, you know, because Arya is THE BEST. But the flashback!Cersei scene alone would have been enough to sell me on this episode. Every ambitious, greedy, insane thing she’s done over the last four seasons looks a little bit different in light of this prophecy. Stepping into the mind of Cersei Lanniser is a terrifying prospect, but I’m game.
Mari: Speaking of being game, we know we’re a bit behind on recaps here, but you all have been holding down the #gameofsnark Tweets, which is one of the reasons I was so excited for the start of the season. Check out some of the gems below and don’t forget to Tweet when you watch an episode:
Oh look, Winterfell is FINALLY not on fire. Years later. Westerosi emergency services are SLOW, yo #got #gameofsnark
— Yas Samraoui (@SpringRain88) April 13, 2015
Pro-tip kids: if someone asks for your blood, the correct answer is “no”. #gameofsnark — Clément Borgama (@polgeclement) April 14, 2015
OF COURSE Cersei hasn’t changed her hair since she was eleven. She sticks with what works. #braids #gameofsnark #GameofThrones — Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) April 13, 2015
NO VALONQUAR WTF!!!! That is a HUGE part of her relationship w/ Tyrion!!! #GameofThrones #GameofSnark — Wendy Weissman (@thewendynerd) April 13, 2015
Jaime and Cersei alone time with a dead relative’s corpse is giving me unpleasant memories. I SPENT A YEAR FORGETTING, SHOW. #gameofsnark
— Nicole Sweeney (@SweeneySays) April 13, 2015
Welp, they’re standing over another coffin. So Jaime probably has a boner. #gameofsnark — Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) April 13, 2015
Did Charles Dance come on set and get into costume to be dead for his creepy children? $$$$$ #gameofthrones #gameofsnark — Samantha Ania (@SamanthaSpice91) April 13, 2015
Are there vampires in this universe, or is something else causing Gilly’s baby to never age? #Gameofthrones #gameofsnark — Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) April 13, 2015
Varys really enjoys shipping people in crates. The start of a new business? Those fabulous robes don’t buy themselves #gameofsnark
— Caitlin Orr (@thecaitlinperry) April 13, 2015
All the Oscars to Peter Drunklage #gameofsnark — Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) April 13, 2015
Huh. I wonder if the little winged statue will be in the opening credits next week. I’ll be watching, show. #gameofsnark
— jessadg (@jessadg) April 15, 2015
Omg Melisandre you can’t just ask people if they’re virgins #gameofsnark
— Caitlin Orr (@thecaitlinperry) April 13, 2015
Why are people shocked that the kid who breastfed until like a month ago can’t use a sword? #gameofsnark #GoT — Patrice (@patreesa) April 13, 2015
“You’re safe with me… IN MY VAN!!!” —Littlefinger #GameOfThrones #GOT #GameofSnark — Wendy Weissman (@thewendynerd) April 13, 2015
That awkward moment when your ex-lover cousin becomes a religious fanatic. Or something. #gameofsnark #gameofthrones — Mari (@mynameismarines) April 13, 2015
Not gonna lie, I really thought we’d see more boobs and less naked man butts in the premiere. Oh, you got us, HBO. Plot twist! #gameofsnark
— Veronica Park (@VeroniKaboom) April 13, 2015
Dany must have a spectacular laundress, keeping her dress so sparkly white in the desert. Hmmmmm. #gameofsnark — jessadg (@jessadg) April 15, 2015
Parents around the world are all like, “Yeah, Dany, we know – teenagers are the wooorst.” #gameofsnark — Nicole Sweeney (@SweeneySays) April 13, 2015
Daenerys is to GOT what Aria is to PLL: do random stupid shit, and win everything, just because. #gameofsnark — Clément Borgama (@polgeclement) April 14, 2015
Why is Arya never in the season premiere? And why do I always hope she will be? #gameofsnark — Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) April 13, 2015
God dammit. Where is Ayra? That whole episode needed a lot more stark in it #Gameofthrones #gameofsnark — Rose (@Coyote_Rose) April 13, 2015
Sorry #Mance, but I’m not with you on the martyrdom when you know there’s a bunch of zombies coming that will kill you all. #gameofsnark — Patrice (@patreesa) April 13, 2015
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
