Previously: Mance Rayder refused to bend the knee and was burned alive but ultimately mercy killed by Jon Snow.
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The House of Black and White
Marines: After an intense amount of previouslies, the lying liar credits take us to King’s Landing, The Eyrie, Winterfell Now With Added Bolton, The Wall, Braavos, and Meereen.
For every single person who shouted, “WHERE IS ARYA??” last episode, we start with Arya. (S: “SHIT, WE HEAR YOU,” the show said.) She’s still on that boat, but now approaching her destination: Braavos. She’s eying the Titan of Braavos kind of suspiciously, which is rather fair when you consider that you have to sail under its crotch. Ternesio Terys (totally looked that name up)(he’s the guy that agreed to sail Arya to Braavos) (D: I pride myself on knowing most people’s names and I could not have even guessed at that one) tells Arya the legend of the Titan, who would smash Braavos’s enemies in the sea. Arya raises an eyebrow at that, saying the Titan is just a statue. A horn blows and it startles her and Ternesio laughs. He tells her not to be afraid. The horn is just announcing their arrival. Arya collects herself for a moment and clarifies that she isn’t afraid. We get long shot of the ship sailing closer to the Titan.
From there, we cut to Arya sitting on a row boat, smiling as she passes by a dock-side marketplace. They pass all of that and keep rowing toward a solitary building on an island of its own. Ternesio explains that the building is The House of Black and White. It’s got a black door and a white door, so the naming is not super imaginative, but is probably really ~*deep*~.
Mari: Ternesio deposits Arya right on the little island and takes off. I really feel like there should’ve been a back-up plan. Like maybe row by in 24 hours and see if I’m still around or something. He says goodbye with those always cheery parting words, “all men must die.” I think I might start saying that instead of “God bless you.”
Sweeney: Please do. I’m sure your coworkers will especially love hearing that from their HR lady.
Mari: I’m sure it’ll be fine!
Arya walks up to the black-and-white doors and knocks. After a moment, an older man in robes opens and just stares at her. This episode is just chock-full of life instruction because now I want to answer the door that way, all the time, always. Arya tells him valar morghulis and he keeps staring like, “girl, did you just knock on my door to tell me all men must die?” Arya shows him the coin that A-Man once gave her. The man tells Arya that there is no one named Jaqen H’ghar (A-Man) there. Arya says she crossed the Narrow Sea and has nowhere else to go, but Rude Man doesn’t care and closes the door in her face. Arya takes a deep breath and sits down on the stairs in front of the building. We stay on her for a few seconds.
Sweeney: Well, shit. Before I moved to this state I’d never been to for this job I found on the internet, I briefly feared an outcome like this one. “Job? Sorry, no job here, kbaiii!”
Diva: I know Arya’s a tough cookie, but even if I were a badass serial killer like her, I’d still probably have cried after crossing half the world to have some old dude be all, “um sorry go home.”
Mari: He tells her she can go anywhere and I just want her to say, “THE WORLD IS UNSAFE FOR ALL STARKS,” or something, because there are so many places she cannot go.
We cut to that night. She’s now leaning up against the building and reciting her updated kill list: Cersei, Walder Frey, The Mountain, Meryn Trant. Is it me or does that seem awfully short? (S: People keep dying before she can kill them! Or she just opts not to do it herself, as with The Hound.) We cut again to another specified time. Arya is still repeating her kill list but now it’s raining. Misery. Her recital takes us again to morning. When she’s had enough of that, she stands, walks closer to the water and throws the coin in.
Brienne and Pod arrive at an inn. Inside, Pod is chowing down and smiles cutely at the serving girl. (D: I already ship these two.) She walks to another table and the camera takes us around to see that Sansa and Littlefinger are in this same place. I made really unattractive noises when this was revealed. Sansa asks Littlefinger about the raven scroll he received last episode, while they were watching Robin fall around with a sword. Littlefinger says it was good news, though, because his marriage proposal has been accepted. The serving girl offers them ale and Sansa thinks booze will match her new goth aesthetic and accepts some. It’s then that Pod sees Sansa and lets Brienne know of her presence. Pod tries to warn Brienne about there being too many knights with Littlefinger, but Brienne wants to act. She sends Pod to steal/ready some horses.
Sweeney: This reminded me of that scene in Ever After when Danielle first pretends to be a noblewoman. “Prepare the horses!“
Diva: It’s helpful that Pod actually knows what Sansa looks like. In the books, Brienne is all, “has anybody seen a broody highborn ginger teen?” but probably would never know it if Sansa was right in front of her, particularly now that she’s got black hair. Way to be useful, Pod!
Mari: Littlefinger asks Sansa if she likes the taste of ale. She says she doesn’t get what the big deal is. Littlefinger fills her in on liquid courage and he gives her a skeevy look when she asks if it gives him courage. This is interrupted by Brienne’s approach. She introduces herself and Littlefinger says they’ve met, with Renly. He recalls what Renly said of Brienne: [her] loyalty came free of charge. Brienne steps closer to the table and kneels before Sansa, saying that she was Lady Cat’s sworn sword. Brienne swore to find and protect Sansa.
Littlefinger stands and says it’s weird he never heard Cat mention Brienne. Brienne explains that she came to be in Cat’s employe after Renly’s murder. Littlefinger pounces all over that and mentions that Brienne was accused of Renly’s murder, forcing her to tell her whole, “a shadow killed Renly, FOR REAL!” story. (D: Brienne, I know you’re telling the truth, but nobody has ever believed this story. Just make up a more normal alibi already.) Littlefinger gives what sounds like a closing argument: Brienne swore to protect Renly and failed. She swore to protect Lady Cat and failed. He asks why he should let her protect Sansa. According to Littlefinger, he has a say in this matter because he’s Sansa’s uncle. Brienne begs for a word with Sansa but she refuses because she saw her at Joffrey’s wedding, bowing to the king. Brienne looks hurt and explains that neither of them wanted to be there. Sansa doesn’t accept that answer and tells her to leave.
Sweeney: I started to protest on Brienne’s behalf that having bowed before Joffrey places fucking everyone on the, “Fugly slut DO NOT TRUST HER,” list, but then, the Sansa voice in my head was like, “Well, yeah…“
Mari: I can’t remember specifically what we saw of Brienne at the wedding, but this was also during a time she was feeling particularly chummy toward Jaime. So perhaps Sansa saw enough.
Littlefinger says that Brienne should stay, which she takes for the threat that it is. She stomps out, elbowing some guards in the face on the way. Outside, she frees the gathered horses and jumps on her own. Her and Pod gallop away, while Littlefinger’s men struggle to grab horses and give chase.
But chase they do. And Pod is struggling on horseback– so much so that he gets separated from Brienne. She quickly loses the two guards coming after her and then goes after Pod. Meanwhile, Pod has been thrown from his spooked horse and he’s cornered by one of Littlefinger’s guards. Brienne shows up just in time to defend Pod and give us the quality blood spurts of the episode. After that, Pod asks what happened to Sansa. Brienne says she’s wary of strangers, as well she should be. Pod figures this means Brienne is released from her vow, but Brienne wants to follow Sansa and Littlefinger.
King’s Landing. Jaime enters Cersei’s chambers and she looks pointedly at some fancy container on her desk. Jaime pulls it open and inside is a snake figurine with a necklace in its mouth. Cersei explains that the necklace belonged to Newly Recast Myrcella. Jaime says it’s a threat and Cersei almost chops his head off with her, “DUH.” Cersei yells that she will burn their cities down if they touch her. Jaime tells her to keep her voice down because the world can’t know that Myrcella is their daughter. Cersei says that’s fine since Jaime has never been a father. To his niece and nephew children. Cersei asks what Jamie’s caution has brought.
Mari: Just remind yourself how awful he was! It kind of eases the trauma.
Jaime says he’ll make it better by going to Dorne to get their daughter, no army involved. Cersei scoffs at the idea of a one-handed man going to Dorne alone, but Jaime never said he was going alone.
Cut to Bronn. He’s skipping stones as his intended is rambling on about the different things she wants at their wedding. Bronn gestures toward the castle and says he never imagined he’d settled down at a place like that. Lollys says they won’t settle there because her mean older sister is poised to inherit. Bronn semi-affectionately strokes her face and hair and tells her that she’s a nice person. Her sister is a mean person and mean people always get what’s coming to them. “One way or another.” Like murder.
Diva: I’m weirdly obsessed with this Bronn/Lollys scene. Seeing Bronn dressed in a lord’s fancy-pants garments instead of his sellsword gear still makes me do a double-take. He’s a totally different person than he was in Season 1… except, you know, he still <3s murder.
Mari: Just now he <3s murder in fancy clothes.
Just then Lollys notices someone and asks Bronn who it is. The shot changes so that we see it’s Jamie Lannister, sitting on some stones like a medieval model. Bronn tells Lollys it’s “Jamie fucking Lannister,” and she smiles cutely and runs after Bronn. He introduces Lollys to Jamie and then tells her to run along, which bums her out. Jamie tries to make small talk about Bronn’s bride, but Bronn wants him to just get on with asking for whatever he’s here for. Jamie hands him a scroll. Bronn reads the news that Lollys will be marrying someone else. However, Jaime promises to give him a much better girl and a much better castle one they return from going “as far south as south goes.”
We cut to southiest south, with a close-up on someone’s snake bracelet that I would totally rock, while pretending snakes did not freak me the hell out. We pan up and see the impeccable Ellaria Sand. She’s watching as Myrcella is walking with Trystane Martell. Ellaria stomps away disapprovingly and we get a shot that affirms my belief that of all the places, I’d probably choose to live in Dorne. (S: SAME. It looks bad ass – fit for a Swagger Prince – and also, more importantly, The Southiest South sounds like an A+ to be with White Walkers about to rain down on Westeros.) (D: Also, Dorne’s the only place in the Seven Kingdoms where girls are actually in the line of succession and can inherit property and titles and shit before their younger brothers! I LOVE FEMINIST!DORNE.) Ellaria finds Prince Doran. His guard stops her from approaching but she threatens to shove his long spear up his– Doran cuts her off and tells the captain to let her in.
She marches up to him and says that Oberyn was murdered and he’s doing nothing but sitting at the water gardens. Doran says Oberyn was slain during a trial by combat, which isn’t murder. Ellaria asks what he’s going to do about Oberyn’s death. Doran’s plans are to bury and mourn for his brother, definitely not go to war, which is obviously what Ellaria wants. She says the Sand Snakes are with her and will avenge Oberyn while Doran sits around doing nothing. Oberyn is dead and meanwhile Myrcella is skipping around the water gardens. She wants to send Myrcella to Cersei, bit by bit. Doran calmly says that he loved his brother, but they do not mutilate little girls in Dorne. Not while he rules.
It’s interesting that Oberyn said much the same thing about how they don’t hurt girls in Dorne. I think were he around, he would be agreeing with his brother and that’s a cool thing to have in the back of your mind when you watch this scene. (S: If by “cool,” you mean, “an invitation to sob silently in mourning,” then yeah, yeah, agreed.)
A look passes between the captain and Doran. He shakes his head and scoffs a little. I’d like to think the captain’s look was, “want me to handle that?” And Doran’s head shake was like, “nah bro. Not yet.” I don’t even know Doran, but I feel like I might explode a little bit if another Martell dies. Just FYI.
Diva: Things I love: Prince Doran being sexy AF, Doran’s captain’s ability to convey a whole lot of feelings in one glance, anyone anywhere giving a shit about the treatment of girls and women in this universe.
Mari: HE IS SEXY, RIGHT? The Martell family, man. Swagger for days.
Greyworm and Daario Na-hot-ris (I’m sorry) are walking through the streets of Meereen, a little ways behind a group of Unsullied. Daario is explaining that the Unsullied are too conspicuous which is why they haven’t found any Sons of the Harpy. The Second Sons, however, have been drinking and “whoring” which means they’ve heard some things. Daario gestures to a door and Greyworm breaks it down. There doesn’t appear to be anyone there so Daario has another opportunity to speech about how the Unsullied aren’t afraid of anything, which means they’ve forgotten what it means to hide. Daario stabs the wall and we hear a man groan in pain. He comes falling out of the wall. One of the Unsullied grab him while Greyworm looks through the hiding spot. He finds some knives and a Sons of the Harpy mask.
Danaerys’s Council. Mossador says the Sons of the Harpy want to re-enslave him so they have to kill the one they captured. Dany says that would send a message. Ever the voice of reason, Barristan thinks Dany should exercise restraint. Dany asks why and Barristan says the captured man could have valuable information. Daario’s like, “nope.” because he already questioned the man. Hizdahr says that the guy is young and poor but Mossador counters that he was “born free.” He asks what this young, poor man would benefit from reinstituted slavery. Mossador says common knowledge is that the Sons are being paid by great families to do what they cannot. Hizdahr objects, saying he is the head of a great family and that knowledge is not so common. Barristan tries again and says that they should give the man a fair trial. Mossador says that ‘mercy’ and ‘fair trial’ mean nothing to these men. All they understand is blood. Dany thanks them for their council and dismisses them.
Barristan stays back to beg a word, namely about her father, the Mad King. Dany calls the moniker a lie, but Selmy says that he served the Mad King and he was for sure mad. (S: Awkward.) He details the Mad King’s attempt to stamp out rebellion and how it lead to the death of every Targaryen except 2. I would guess he means Dany and Viserys, but old man Targaryen is also alive at the wall. (D: But I doubt that’s public knowledge. There’s no way Cersei – or King Robert, when he was alive, for that matter – would be letting a Targaryen live, no matter how old/adorable/uninterested in the crown he is.) Selmy’s point is that the Mad King gave his enemies the justice he thought they deserved. Dany tells him that she will not have the Son of the Harpy executed without a fair trial.
Road to Meereen. Tyrion has a Goblet of Win in his hand, surprising exactly no one. It’s got a bug in it and Varys snarks that Tyrion should be careful, lest he actually consume some solid food. Tyrion drinks it anyway. I mean, I like wine, but no. Anyway, they rehash their standing “everything is awful!” (Tyrion)/”I’mma make it better!” (Varys) argument. I love these two, and Varys’s speech about how people find people like them repulsive is really another A+ speech, but there is no new information here.
Sweeney: DON’T FUCKING ASK THAT.
Diva: SRSLY TYRION. Have you never seen this show read these books MET YOUR SISTER?
Mari: Cut to a disembodied head. (S: A horrifying Segue Magic Moment that surprised approximately no one. Damn it, Tyrion.) Cersei looks at and proclaims it, “not him.” Meryn Trant asks if he should throw the men who brought it into a cell. Cersei says that won’t be necessary because she doesn’t want to discourage other hunters. The hunters thank her and start to back out, but Cersei tells them to take the head with them. Not-really-a-maester Qyburn asks to keep the head for whatever Frankenstein crap he’s doing.
Small council meeting. Cersei walks in and sits at the head of the table. Uncle Lannister asks if she’s the Hand of the King and Cersei, voiced laced with sarcasm, says of course not because it would be ridiculous for a woman to assume that role. (D: Not in feminist!Dorne!) She is merely advising her son until he comes of age and picks his own Hand. Lord Tyrell speaks up to offer his services, but Cersei cuts him off and says that he’s been appointed Master of Coin. Next, Maester Pycelle starts his spiel, but Cersei cuts him off to say that “the king” has appointed Qyburn as the new Master of Whispers. Pycelle keeps objecting, but Cersei talks over him, telling Uncle (Kevan) Lannister that he’s been appointed as Master of War. Uncle Lannister says that’s a cool story, but he wants to hear it from the King, who should be in attendance learning what it means to rule. Cersei insists that she’s been appointed to speak on his behalf, but Uncle Lannister isn’t having it. He came to the capital to pay his respects, not to serve as Cersei’s puppet. He tells her he doesn’t recognize her authority. She is the Queen Mother and nothing more. As he walks away, Cersei asks if he’s really going to abandon the king in his hour of need. Uncle Lannister says if the king wants to send for him, he’ll be waiting at Casterly Rock.
BOOM. I mean, I like that Cersei often takes charge but it’s not often that we see someone standing up to her and Uncle Lannister is dead on with how she is manipulating things. I can’t remember if we’ve seen Kevan do anything evil, but this moment was pretty cool.
Diva: I’m not sure we’ve seen Kevan do much of anything, honestly. He was definitely living in his brother Tywin’s shadow. But I like the tension they’re setting up between Kevan and Cersei. And though I know part of Kevan’s disgust comes from not wanting a woman in that position of authority, most of it is not wanting THIS woman in that position of authority. And I don’t think any of us can blame him for that.
Mari: Wall. Shireen the best kid ever is teaching Gilly her letters. She’s just identified the letter S when Samwell turns around and shares the fun fact that the youngest Lord Commander in history was elected at age 10. This makes Gilly feel a bit inadequate so Shireen assures her that she’ll learn. Shireen taught Ser Davos and “old people are terrible about learning things.” She’s precious.
Gilly takes a few digs at Sam for being a bad teacher and then asks Shireen when she learned how to read. Shireen explains that she learned early, at age three, because she was locked indoors. (D: Me too! But just because I was a nerd, not because I was being hidden because of my disfigured face.) Gilly says they don’t have a name for her condition north of the Wall (in the “south” they call it Grayscale) but two of her sisters died from it. Shireen doesn’t remember how they cured her and I’m just going to guess that isn’t a good story. Shireen asks what happened to Gilly’s sisters and she tells us about how the gray scales spread all over their bodies and they started acting like animals, up until Gilly’s father took them into the woods. Shireen asks what happened there and Gilly doesn’t answer her immediately. (D: I bet it was something good, because we all know the woods are where happy and wonderful things happen! Especially to Craster’s children!) Selyse walks in and tells Gilly and Samwell to leave. Gilly flies out of there, though Sam sticks around long enough to offer a respectful, “your Grace.”
Selyse tells Shireen to stay away from Gilly who is a yucky Wildling, unlike her, a civilized woman who keeps fetuses in jars. (D: A+) She explains that Stannis defeated the Wildlings, and they could strike by hurting Shireen. Precious Shireen says Gilly wouldn’t do that, but Selyse says she has no idea what people would do.
Sweeney: You know, on account of how Selyse locked her up and generally refused to have anything to do with her. Cool.
Mari: Cut to Stannis, berating Jon for showing mercy to Mance. He says Jon should ask Ser Davos how much mercy Stannis shows for lawbreakers and we get a shot of Davos’s missing fingers. Stannis says that if you show too much kindness, people won’t fear or follow you. Jon says the free folk will never follow Stannis anyway, especially since he burned their king at the stake. Jon says they won’t follow him either. Only one of their own.
Stannis asks Jon if he knows Lyanna Mormont. Jon does; she’s the Lord Commander’s (RIP) niece, the lady of Bear Island and young girl of just 10 years old. (D: And, presumably, cousin to Ser Jorah Mormont, since he’s Lord Commander Mormont’s son.) (M: We can also presume that she’s lost a fair amount of family. Sadness for everyone in the MF North, man.) Stannis asked Lyanna to commit her house to his cause and she sent back this response: Bear Island knows no king but the king in the north, whose name is Stark. This makes Jon smile, a little sadly and I know the feeling, man. Excuse me while I cry. (S: SAME.) (D: brb, sobbing.) Stannis asks if this amuses Jon and he apologizes, saying that northerners can be a bit like the free folk: loyal to their own. Stannis knows this because Robert often went on about how hard they were to control.
Ser Davos jumps in now and says that a new Lord Commander will soon be elected and Ser Aliser Thorne will most likely win. Jon admits that his life will probably be unpleasant under Aliser’s command. Jon sees where this is all going and says that he’s pledged everything to the Night’s Watch and doesn’t know what he has left to give Stannis. Stannis thinks Jon can give him the North. Jon can’t, though, because he’s a bastard. A Snow and not a Stark. Stannis tells Jon to kneel before him and Stannis will make him Jon Stark, Lord of Winterfell. I CANNOT EVEN. Neither can Jon. We leave the scene with him not having any words.
Sweeney: And 5 seasons in, we are all so conditioned to tragedy that the inability to even is one part, “This is literally the only I want in the whole world right now,” and two parts, “Because I want it, I know that it cannot be. And also someone will get beheaded if we open Pandora’s Special Box of Beautiful Wishes & Dreams.”
Diva: FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELS. My mind is all, “But he swore a vow! Ned would have never broken his vow, even if a king said it was okay!” but my heart is all “GET YOUR FINE ASS TO WINTERFELL AND KILL ALL THE BOLTONS, JON!”
Mari: We join Jon and Sam in the mess hall. Sam is really happy for Jon, but he’s going to refuse the offer because of honor and crap. They settle down and the vote for next Lord Commander commences. Master Aemon stands and asks for nominations before they cast their tokens. Janos Slynt stands immediate and nominates Aliser. Another Wall Dude nominates Denys Mallister. Since there are no other nominations, Aemon proceeds, but Sam soon cuts him off. Jon gives him a really great, “DUDE. NO.” look. Janos calls Sam a Wildling-lover and sarcastically asks how his lady is. Sam is on it though and says that Janos knows Gilly well because they hid in a closet together during the battle. Everyone laughs, even Aemon. (D: Aemon giggling = my favorite moment of the episode.)
Sam says that whilst Janos was hiding in a closet, Jon was leading. Aliser was wounded and Jon took charge. Jon went north of the Wall to deal with Mance and led the party to avenge Lord Commander Mormont. “He may be young, but he’s the Commander we turned to when the night was darkest.” There is much cheering and pounding on tables.
Aliser stands and says he can’t argue with any of that BUT Jon Snow is a big, fat Wildling lover. He asks everyone if they want to vote for someone who has fought Wildlings all his life or someone who makes love to them. Jon says nothing in his own defense.
The votes are cast.
When all the tokens are counted there is a tie between Aliser and Jon Snow. Master Aemon stands and casts his vote: Jon Snow wins!
Diva: It’s comforting to know some things never change. Also, that “Lord Snow” nickname from Season 1 now seems kind of prescient. He really is Lord Snow now!
Mari: Um, in a village somewhere? I thought Arya was stuck on an island for real. I’m not sure what’s happening. (D: Braavos is not actually an island, but it does have a butt-load of canals, so your confusion is reasonable. But she’s def still in Braavos.) (M: I figured Braavos proper wasn’t an island, but thought the House of Black and White was on it’s own little island and Arya had no boat. OH WELL.)
Arya sneaks up on a pigeon and cuts its head off. She stopped in an alley but three men who want to know what she’s got in the back. She pulls out Needle and tells them to turn around and go. Now, the men are interested in Needle, which would be worth a lot. Arya looks at them all dead-eyed and says, “nothing’s worth anything to dead men.” The boys freak out but only because they see the Man in Robes Arya met earlier.
Arya follows after Man in Robes until the reach the House of Black and White again. She calls after him demanding to know what’s happening and Man in Robes peels off his face.
Sweeney: What a crowd pleaser! Nice work, A Man!
Diva: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! In the books (is this getting obnoxious yet? probs), Man in Robes is just some old man, but giving him A Man’s face? Wise move, show. They’ve done a lot of “let’s keep this storyline, but give it to someone the audience already knows and gives a shit about instead of introducing 1,000 new characters,” and I think it’s brilliant. We still get to go to Dorne, and the House of Black and White, and other places I won’t mention because #spoilers, but we’re going there on the show’s terms, and we don’t have to keep track of a zillion new people! I dig.
Mari: That’s a really great perspective on it. I know lots of people get bothered by the changed details and all the ways they have to parse the story down. BUT THEY HAVE TO, you know?
Meereen. Mossandar goes down into the dungeons to visit the captured Son of the Harpy. The Harpy Guy says that Dany doesn’t belong there and no matter how much they call her “mhysa” she will never be their mother.
Cut to dead Harpy Guy, pinned to a wall in Meereen.
Dany is on her throne in the Pyramid of Power. Mossandar has been brought before her in handcuffs. He claims he killed for her. She wanted the Son of the Harpy dead, but her hands were tied. Dany says that there are no more slaves and no more masters. Mossandar asks who lives in the pyramids, then, and who wears masks to slay her children. Mossandar goes on to tell the story of how his father was killed during the slave uprising. Dany seems affected, but she maintains that the Harpy’s life was not his to take. She orders the guards to take him. He’s stunned. She looks like a deer in headlights which is kind of her default setting, but fits well here.
Dany is led by a group of guards out into Meereen. The freed people are calling out to her. She makes her way to a little stage area. Hizdahr thinks Dany should’ve just cut the traitor’s head off in the pyramid, but noooooo. Dany needs to have a STAGE. On one side are the ex-masters and on the other the freed people. Dany starts her speech saying that Meereen opened their doors to her because she promised freedom and justice. One cannot exist without the other. Mossador is marched out and right away the crowd gets to disapproving and shouting for their brother. Mossador asks Dany to forgive him. Dany announces that Mossador murdered a man awaiting trial and the sentence is death. The people call out for mercy. I’m so tense, not because I don’t know where this is going (it’s clear) but because this is just such a bad idea.
Sweeney: It’s like horror-movie-character-going-into-the-dark-room-alone level shit right now. STOP IT. It feels like it’s happening slower or something.
Mari: Dany nods at Daario who takes his place behind Mossador. The crowd is still shouting and Dany seems to get lost in it for a while. Finally she turns to Daario and gives him a little nod. He beheads Mossador and the crowd is instantly silent. They remain that way for a second or two and then the freed people start hissing. One of them throws a rock toward the ex-masters and the chaos starts in earnest. Dany has to be rushed away under the cover of Unsullied shields.
Know what I kept thinking about during this whole scene?
Diva: I’m not sure this scene actually even happens in the books (this scene is more like an amalgamation of a ton of different stuff happening in Meereen, I think), but YES I WAS GOING TO SAY THIS TOO YES LET’S BRING BACK NED AND HAVE HIM RUN THE WORLD.
Mari: In the Pyramid of (Slipping) Power, Selmy says he’ll stand guard outside of Dany’s door. Greyworm says they will all be on guard. Dany dismisses them and then heads out onto her balcony. She hears some soft growling and looks up. It’s Drogon. She reaches up to him and he gets very close to her, but ultimately flies away without letting her touch him. EMBARRASSING MOM. DON’T EVEN TOUCH ME.
Dany looks, well, like a deer in headlights as she watches him fly over the city.
I understand why Dany did what she did and really, this was the tipping point within Meereen she was always going to reach. There is a type of justice that she wants to instill there and everyone has been pushing her to compromise. So she does. She doesn’t kill the Son of the Harpy– she kills his killer. We’ve seen much greater injustices in this show and this seeming take at justice left me feeling rather icky. I felt for Mossador and they did a really good job of creating a sense of discomfort around the entire scene, right down to the have and have-nots on opposite sides of her. Straight down the middle. Like the House of Black and White.
We see Dany in her white dress, the back crafted in a way that when we watch her watching Drogon, it almost looks like wings. Cersei we see in black gowns, marching into the small council to manipulate and influence, Ellaria is also in black as she demands the Prince act.
In similar, “okay I get it, but NO.” news, Jon Snow could’ve been Jon Stark and Lord of Winterfell. I think they just mentioned it to lift the hopes of every viewer slightly and just axe murder their dreams.
Sweeney: I hope they all put that on their business cards. “AXE MURDERER OF DREAMS.”
Mari: Finally, while we may be running behind, you guys are on you timely snark game. Here are our favorite #gameofsnark Tweets:
ARYA!!!! *immediately bursts into tears* #gameofsnark
— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) April 20, 2015
Reeaally hope that statue dude has underwear on beneath that skirt #dontlookup #got #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Yas Samraoui (@SpringRain88) April 20, 2015
Arya goes to the house of Black and White. Jaime and Tyrion go to the House of Black and Whitewashed. #gameofsnark #gameofthrones
— Wendy Weissman (@thewendynerd) April 20, 2015
Since I’m pretty sure they don’t do house numbers, I guess painting your door black and white is the way to go. #gameofsnark
— Patrice (@patreesa) April 20, 2015
It’s not so much a house of black and white as a door of black and white #gameofsnark
— Franuel (@LollyWheeks) April 20, 2015
That’s going to be my response to everyone who pisses me off now. “You have everywhere else to go” #gameofsnark #GameofThrones
— Wendy Weissman (@thewendynerd) April 20, 2015
Okay. Arya. No. That is literally the most valuable thing you have right now. Do not throw it away. #gameofsnark
— Samantha Ania (@SamanthaSpice91) April 20, 2015
I know Sansa feels like she is taking control of her life, and I’m proud of her, but why DOES IT HAVE TO BE WITH LITTLE FINGER? #gameofsnark
— Samantha Ania (@SamanthaSpice91) April 20, 2015
God dammit brienne why did you not tell Sansa about Arya! #gameofthrones #gameofsnark
— Rose (@Coyote_Rose) April 20, 2015
Podrick Payne: Hung like a horse and incapable of riding one. #gameofsnark
— Wendy Weissman (@thewendynerd) April 20, 2015
Does Jamie Lannister’s leather jacket have its own twitter account yet? #needit #wantit #thejacket #gameofthrones #gameofsnark
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) April 20, 2015
I like how all the characters are reuniting in Dorne and shit now. It’s like ‘Saved By The Bell: The College Years’. #gameofsnark
— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) April 20, 2015
Mourning looks way too good on Ellaria Sand #GameofThrones #gameofsnark #gameofWERQ
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) April 20, 2015
Gilly and Shireen, the duo I didn’t know I wanted. #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Rose (@Coyote_Rose) April 20, 2015
In fairness, Jon Snow kinda already broke some vows….but I imagine they were totally worth it. #gameofsnark #GoT
— Patrice (@patreesa) April 20, 2015
These Lord Commander stump speeches are just political ads. “Paid for by Friends of Alliser Thorne Super-PAC.” #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) April 20, 2015
Ugh, the free folk would never call it “making love,” Ser Alliser. That’s so lame. #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) April 20, 2015
Imagine Lyanna Mormont’s note written in glittery ink with hearts over the eyes. IT MAKES IT EVEN BETTER. #gameofsnark #gameofthrones
— Wendy Weissman (@thewendynerd) April 20, 2015
You know nothing, Jon Stark. …nope, doesn’t have the same ring to it #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Yas Samraoui (@SpringRain88) April 20, 2015
Next time on Game of Thrones: A wedding! FIND OUT IF WE SHOULD BE SCARED in S05 E03 – High Sparrow.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
