Previously: We caught up with Arya, the other Stark children declined opportunities to make our hearts grow three sizes, and Dany made a disastrous compromise.
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High Sparrow
Sweeney: Lying Liar Credits take us through King’s Landing, Moat Cailin, Winterfell, The Wall, Braavos, and Meereen. This is my obligatory seasonal acknowledgement that there’s probably not a lot of lying going on here, but that I will never really trust again, even though I no longer even remember the origins of my bad blood with the Lying Liar Credits.
Democracy Diva: We are as stubborn a group of grudge-holders as the old Houses of Westeros. Our rivalries are so old, we don’t even know why or how they started, BUT WE’RE STILL PISSED.
Sweeney: Braavos. (Out of order! Lies! All the lies!) Arya’s getting her Cinderella on so that she may become NO ONE. Jaqen H’ghar A Man sits by another seriously down-and-out guy and scoops some water out of their sad little indoor pond thing. It has the makings of a total cesspool and is probably not a place I would drink from, but what do I know. (M: You are clearly SOMEONE and not NO ONE.) This man is laid too low for good judgment and seems totally into it. He goes to pray somewhere else, basking in the divine glory of the pond water.
Arya takes a time out from sweeping to go tell A Man that she’s sick of this sweeping bullshit, because Arya made it clear she did not sign up for housework back in episode 1×01. A Man tells her that not only must all men die, they also must serve, and she is still way too bent on her own personal vengeance game for that. I like this. Arya gives me so many conflicted emotions as she careens down her path to becoming a full-fledged serial killer, and I like that she’s going to get a little altruistic moral guidance…from the creepy murder cult she’s trying to join.
Marines: But, like, of all the creepy murder cults she could join, at least this one has an altruistic side. And while their pond water looks real sus, their floors are probably very well swept.
Diva: This is definitely my preferred creepy murder cult of this universe, if only because they are a feminist!creepy murder cult that lets women be creepy murderers too.
Sweeney: Three cheers for assassin equality!
A Man leaves and Arya realizes that the thirsty man is now dead? Unconscious? Two men come in and cart the Thirsty Man off. Arya asks another girl where Thirsty is being taken, but gets no answer.
King’s Landing. The royal family is carried through the streets and Cersei closes her curtains, pissed that the crowd is chanting for Queen Margaery. Cut to their destination: Tommen and Margaery saying their vows in what seems to be a remarkably non-traumatic wedding. There’s the squick of a 33 year old kissing a teenager, but my skin’s only a tiny bit crawling, which is just my baseline for Westeros. What is this? Am I recapping the right thing?
Diva: In the books, Margaery is about fourteen when the story begins. But also, book!Tommen starts off at like seven years old. So that’s really no help on how old anyone on the show is, because the show does literally whatever the fuck it wants. Even aside from the kids they’ve aged up via recasting, characters like Arya and little breastfeeding-forever Lord Robyn have aged at least half a decade over the course of the show, but Gilly’s baby is still a baby.
Sweeney: WHAT IS TIME?
We cut from Cersei’s burnitalldown face to heavy breathing as the newlyweds finish consummating their marriage. Tommen’s worried he hurt Margaery who responds with the, “LOL, child please,” laugh you’d expect. I love me some Princess Queen Flowerboss, but it is a little heartbreaking to see him so smitten and her so calculating. But it’s also clear that she does care about him, and there is a moment of genuine tenderness when Tommen confesses to how strange everything is, his current circumstances derived from his own brother’s death.
Margaery exposits that our BFF, Grandma Flowerboss, left King’s Landing. She transitions into talk of Cersei, who Tommen believes hates King’s Landing. Margaery speaks glowingly of Cersei, but in a very deliberate way, driving home that Cersei is very protective of Tommen and will NEVER let him out of her sight. Even though he’s super totally for suresies a man now. (M: Few minutes of sex: MAN STATUS ACQUIRED.) (D: If it’s more than just the tip, it counts.)
The next day, Cersei and Tommen chat about his new marriage. Tommen finally cuts her off to ask if she misses Casterly Rock, her real home. Cersei tells him that there’s nothing for her there and that this, where her family is, is home now. He presses a little and Cersei pretty quickly does the math on what prompted this.
Elsewhere, Margaery is gossiping with her handmaidens about the sexual appetite of her baby king when Cersei walks in. This would be horrifying for us mere mortals, but when you’re a Flowerboss and also a Queen, you laugh it off and deliver some absolutely divine snark, and I cannot even begin to do it justice, mere snarky mortal that I am:
Diva: This Mean Girls–Game of Thrones crossover magic is giving me LIFE. We’re a heartbeat away from Cersei calling Margaery a fugly slut.
Sweeney: And on and on she goes, with all the arrogance of a newly minted queen. There’s something myopic about that arrogance that feels inconsistent with a character who has been such a calculating and clever player, though I suppose the opportunity to cut Cersei down a peg was more than she could resist. I get that. She’s also newly left to her own devices, making her moves without Grandma Flowerboss’s wise counsel.
Someone on Tumblr put these two gifsets side-by-side, though and I find it supremely unsettling:
Mari: A terrible reminder and a heartbreaking warning. Dammit, Tumblr.
Diva: I MISS YOU OBERYN. Your brother is hot in a distinguished, honorable kind of way, but you are forever the god of tits and wine sex prince of the Seven Kingdoms.
Sweeney: RIP, Sex Prince.
Cersei seems genuinely humbled as she assures Margaery that she’s there to help with anything she needs, but shows herself out and puts her, “I will fuck your shit up,” game face back on. (1) I fear for Margaery, who is looking a little too smug and self-satisfied. (b) But also that was fucking fun to watch. (cat) Can we just talk about fucking flawless Lena Headey is? (TRY AND STOP ME!) So much glorious, glorious acting.
Diva: She is perfect. You can hate Cersei or love Cersei or any combination of the two, but you better recognize: Lena Headey is an international treasure.
Sweeney: Up north, Moat Cailin looks like the circle of hell it clearly is. Theon/Reek comes upon some flayed corpses being hung up as a big terror show for the locals and there’s still enough Theon left in that shattered shell for him to wince at the sight.
We cut to Roose Bolton explaining to Ramsay that they can’t hold the north with terror alone. Ramsay shrugs this critique off, noting that he flayed a lord and lady alive — making their son watch — because they wouldn’t pay their taxes and the new lord totes paid his taxes, so it’s whatever. Roose is trying to have a real conversation and snaps at Ramsay to stop eating and pay attention. Reek is there too and he’s also paying attention. Roose explains that they don’t have enough men and their pact was with the now-deceased Tywin. Greatness, he says, is about parlaying alliances and the best way to forge a lasting alliance is marriage. Roose says that he has found the perfect girl to solidify their hold on the north.
Segue magic to Sansa and Little finger riding over a hill and I just want to cry. THIS IS THE WORST, SHOW. Just to be clear, we were denied Sansa/Brienne frolicking about the hillside in favor of Sansa marrying Ramsay. Wooooorst. Anyway, Sansa sees that Moat Cailin is below and when Littlefinger says that he’s taking her home, she puts the pieces together and realizes that Littlefinger’s accepted marriage proposal in the previous episode was actually for her. As horrifying as being married off to a Lannister was, Roose Bolton, architect of The Red Wedding, is quite possibly the worst offense yet.
Mari: This is additionally heartbreaking because Sansa’s arc has been so much about learning how to play the game. She went from surviving to strategizing and we all cheered as we saw her growing as a person. What a reminder of how awful it is to be a woman in Westeros. Littlefinger just accepted a marriage proposal on her behalf to the man who has destroyed her home. This is the third time Sansa has been promised away and the only time she was remotely into it, the dude turned out to be the most epic douche in all the land.
My Sansa feels are exploding.
Diva: I don’t think this counts as book spoilers because this story is already unfolding on the show, but this whole arc happens to somebody else in the books, a random childhood friend of Sansa’s who they’re forcing to pose as Arya to solidify the Boltons’ hold on the North. I was not okay with it happening to that poor girl who I didn’t even give a fuck about, and I am CERTAINLY not okay with it happening to my girl Sansa.
Sweeney: The fact that this is the third time older men have promised Sansa off, and always in ways tied to the destruction of her family, definitely flares up those Sansa feels.
Littlefinger assures her that as a Stark, Winterfell is her home and sooner or later she must return to it. He also assures her that she’ll be marrying Ramsay, not Roose, because he apparently doesn’t know how much worse that is in reality.
Sidebar: is Ramsay’s sadism really that well kept a secret that Littlefinger — the only man whose bird count rivals Varys — wouldn’t know about it?
Diva: This is the thing that will not stop bothering me. What fucking use is Littlefinger to anyone if he doesn’t know all the players in the game? It’s completely outside the show’s logic for him to never have heard anything about Ramsay, especially since it’s not like the Boltons are quiet about their love for flaying and torture. IT’S ON THEIR BANNER, YOU GUYS. I know that Ramsay was only recently legitimized as a Bolton, but still. Littlefinger would know SOMETHING about him, or Littlefinger wouldn’t have survived this long.
Sweeney: My thoughts too, though I’m unclear on whether I should put that in the “bullshit contrivance” pile or the, “He knows and I should count that as a mark against Littlefinger,” pile. I’m thinking the former, but I could well be wrong, which makes this all the more awful.
Sansa, unsurprisingly, freaks out and Littlefinger assures her that she won’t be forced to do anything. He asks her to make this choice willingly, to stop running from all the terrible things that happened to her family. He tells her that this is an opportunity to stop being a bystander to tragedy. “There’s no justice in the world unless we make it. You loved your family. Avenge them.”
Mari: I DON’T KNOW, MAN. My skepticism doesn’t let me believe that Littlefinger is doing this so that Sansa can avenge her family.
Diva: Littlefinger serves no king but Littlefinger. If he wants Sansa to avenge the Boltons, it’s got to be because it will benefit himself in the end. I think it’s skeeze hiding under tenderness and concern, not the other way around.
Sweeney: I…seeing you guys say that, I realize that you are right and I am sad and naive. Womp.
Ramsay is quite possibly the most despicable person in this entire fucked up world, and I can’t say I delight in the thought of Sansa marrying him. AND YET, going through the motions while maintaining silent protest is one of Sansa’s greatest assets, and for all the ways a Bolton marriage is more of an assault than even her Lannister marriage, a political marriage that places her back in Winterfell, back in the north, is also even more of an advantage. How she’ll manage Ramsay remains to be seen, but as was driven home last episode at The Wall, her very heritage gives her important power in this marriage and I am equal parts terrified and eager to see what comes of this.
We’re not done yet, though: Brienne and Pod look on. They’re not going to be able to follow Sansa down the mountain without being seen, so they’ll have to go the long way around. Pod cautions that they’ll lose sight of Sansa, but Brienne’s not worried — she knows where they’re headed.
A bit later, Brienne asks if Pod’s a little old for being a squire and asks how he came to be Tyrion’s squire. Pod explains that a knight he used to squire for once drunkenly stole some ham and was promptly hanged. Pod was about to be hanged as well, but Tywin heard that Pod’s family name was Payne. (M: What the what! How have I never connect Pod to Ilyn Payne? Failure.) (D: I didn’t notice this until fairly recently and it blew my mind.) Tywin pardoned Pod and sent him to King’s Landing to squire for Tyrion. Brienne deduces that this was a punishment for both Pod and Tyrion alike, but Pod doesn’t see it that way. Brienne notes that all his lords were kind to him save for her. Pod says he’s not sorry — she’s the best fighter he’s ever seen and he’s proud to be her squire. He rebuffs even her apology for snapping, saying that if she didn’t, he wouldn’t learn. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.
Brienne, softened by how he’s the best, says that starting tomorrow they’ll train with the sword twice a day. She’s also going to show him how to ride properly. She can’t knight him, but she can teach him how to fight. Pod supposes that’s more important and then lights the fire properly to show us how far he’s come.
Diva: Aw, I didn’t notice the fire-lighting thing! That’s precious. I love Pod’s coming-of-age story.
Sweeney: Pod switches the conversation to her: he asks how she came to be in Renly’s Kingsguard. Brienne explains that her father threw her a ball so that she could find a suitable husband. She remembers fondly how lovely it was to be fawned over instead of the usual teasing. After a while, though, she caught a few boys laughing and then they all joined in — they were all just fucking with her. “And I realized I was the ugliest girl alive. A great lumbering beast.” She tried to run, but Renly came to the rescue and told her those nasty little shits didn’t deserve to see her tears. Renly, the king’s brother, danced with her, effectively shutting the other boys up. “Little shits aren’t worth crying over,” is an excellent quote to be remembered by.
Sweeney: Preach. She is always incredible, but this performance in particular was amazing.
Pod bumbles around asking about Renly’s sexual orientation and gets an exasperated, “Yes, I fucking know,” response. It wasn’t about him wanting her, but that he saved her from being a joke — “and I couldn’t save him in return,” she adds, sadly. “Nothing’s more hateful than failing to protect the one you love.” (OOF, MY FEELS. MY PERSONAL, PERSONAL FEELS.) Dramatic music plays as Brienne vows to avenge Renly. While she maintains that a shadow killed him, Stannis was definitely behind it. Stannis, unlike a shadow, is a man who can be killed.
I really love that Pod accepts the shadow thing. He brings it up in a way that is essentially, “How are you gonna kill a shadow?” It’s great.
Diva: I can’t decide if it makes Pod naive or brilliant, that he’s one of the only characters in this universe who doesn’t scoff at the “it was a shadow!” defense of Renly’s murder.
Sweeney: Speaking of Man Not A Shadow, he’s still hanging out in the place where plots go to drag on and on and on, hopefully on his way to do more interesting shit. Stannis tried to get Jon Snow to reconsider and RUN TO WINTERFELL TO SAVE HIS SISTER FROM RAMSAY. But Jon’s got that #ClassicStarkHonor to hold onto. Stannis calls Jon as honorable his father, but notes that he didn’t mean it as a compliment – “honor got your father killed.” #TRUTH. Resigned to Jon’s refusal, Stannis is making plans to head out. Stannis tries to be nonchalant and ambivalent while offering slightly invested advice to Jon about the Wildings and Alliser Thorne. Stannis exits, but Ser Davos makes, “I have thoughts about this,” eyes in the background and decides he should share those thoughts before he goes.
Davos wants Jon to know that Stannis sees something in Jon, even if his perpetual arrogance and bitch face obscures that point. Davos adds that in spite of the fact that a personal quest for the throne is conveniently self-serving, Stannis really does want what’s best for Westeros. It’s a thing you can’t help but come back to as an audience member — how unlikable he is, how hard to root for, how unsettling his reliance on Dementor Baby Magic is…and yet, he also still seems like the lesser of many evils.
Mari: And heading back to claims on the throne, he has a pretty big one. He’s so unrelenting and just kind of demands respect where he goes. It’s off putting because NO STOP IT. I DON’T WANNA. And yet.
Diva: Maybe I just like show!Stannis because he’s a stickler for good grammar, but the show has definitely made his character more empathetic, and a better father. Book!Diva is like EW STANNIS HATES WOMEN AND IGNORES HIS KID AND IS LAME and Show!Diva is like, aw, he’s aight. I mean, dementor babies aside.
Sweeney: But mostly I find it hard to care about anyone or anything while they are at The Wall. Davos makes a compelling argument about how the Night’s Watch is “the shield the guards the realms of men,” which might really entail getting down into said realms. Legit, given that that’s where everything is happening on this show. However, there’s also the army of zombies just over the wall, a threat the show seems to have put back into “Conveniently Ignore” mode, so IDK. You do you, Jon Snow.
Moving on.
Arya’s lying around being bored when the girl who wouldn’t answer her before comes in and hovers. This girl asks who the fuck Arya is, walking in there with a coin she never earned, whose value she does not respect. Arya doesn’t answer her and so the crazy bitch starts hitting Arya with a stick. Arya calls her a cunt, but is mostly dumbfounded for the first few lashings before she reaches for a real weapon. Before any major showdown happens, A Man interrupts and asks Nameless Cunt WTF she was doing. “We were only playing. The game of faces,” she answers. A Man says Arya’s not ready, and Arya gets really defensive. She says she is ready, “to be a faceless man — to be no one.” A Man notes that she has all these treasures belonging to Arya Stark and wonders how no one came to be surrounded by Arya Stark’s things.
Mari: He wants her to be WITHOUT HER STUFF. This is a great tragedy.
Sweeney: THE GREATEST OF TRAGEDIES.
Diva: Detail from the books I am so glad they included: once she goes to Braavos, Arya starts calling everyone a cunt. I blame the Hound for that amazing influence.
Sweeney: Later, we watch as Arya wraps up all of her belongings and tosses them in the water. All but one thing: Needle. She stands at the doc as feelsy music swells and as if this wasn’t heart-wrenching enough, somebody on Tumblr matched this with what I assume are the corresponding book lines for this moment. For your feelsy consideration:
“It’s just a sword,” she said, aloud this time… but it wasn’t. Needle was Robb and Bran and Rickon, her mother and her father, even Sansa. Needle was Winterfell’s grey walls, and the laughter of its people. Needle was the summer snows, Old Nan’s stories, the heart tree with its red leaves and scary face, the warm earthy smell of the glass gardens, the sound of the north wind rattling the shutters of her room. Needle was Jon Snow’s smile. He used to mess my hair and call me “little sister,” she remembered, and suddenly there were tears in her eyes.
I just figured if I was going to be destroyed emotionally, everyone else should join me. (M: -_-) (D: Book!Diva remembered this passage and wept accordingly and is very glad her misery now has company.)
Anyway, this is the one thing Arya is not ready to part with. Crying, she hides it under some rocks.
Later, she’s taking some humble pie and sweeping the floor when she sees a body being carried off. A Man appears behind her and motions for her to follow him down a dark stairwell. In some basement cellar of her new Murder Cult, her BFF Nameless Cunt is there, unwrapping the body. Arya helps and keeps helping as they wash the body, though her question of what happens next goes unanswered. Arya’s adapting to this Do Weird Shit & Don’t Ask Questions life, though.
Mari: It’s very Karate Kid, but with more murder.
Sweeney: Back in Westeros, Sansa and Littlefinger are greeted by The Boltons. Everyone is very somber and I am holding my breath so I apologize in advance if I blackout and am unable to finish this recap. Sansa hesitates a moment before she curtsies and exchanges pleasantries with the men who murdered her family, like the Saint of Prisoners of War that she is.
Inside, she is shown to her room by an older woman, who says she’ll fetch her some water to wash but before she goes she welcomes Sansa home – “The North remembers.” And then I cry and cry and cry. THE SNARK SQUAD REMEMBERS TOO, LADY SANSA. (M: Of all the different sayings this material has brought us, I think “The North remembers” is my favorite. It’s the most like hope. DAMN RIGHT THEY (WE) DO.) (D: Cosign. #northernfeels)
THE NORTH REMEMBERS.
It’s probably for the best that we return to The Wall now, so that normal breathing can resume. Jon calls this meeting of the Midnight Society to order appoints Night’s Watch men to do stuff. He jokes about the need for a new latrine pit and has a bit of a stare down with Alliser before ultimately assigning the task to a good-natured but ill-fortuned ginger. Ser Alliser is praised for his experience and valor before being named First Ranger, in an A+ political move. His lackey Ser Janos, though, is sent off to Greyguard and Ser Janos throws a temper tantrum. Jon tells him that was a command, not an offer. Janos refuses and Jon orders some men to take Janos outside and fetch Jon’s sword. For a moment it looks like Alliser might defend Janos, but he steps aside.
Outside, Janos blusters a lot about how Jon is mistaken if he thinks Jon can intimidate him and how many important capital friends he has. You know, except for the part where he’s up at The Wall so clearly they are not very good friends. Jon comes outside and pulls his sword out before offering Janos the opportunity for last words. Janos begs for mercy, saying that he is afraid and always has been. Insisting the he’ll go. Jon hesitates, but ultimately follows through with the beheading he ordered — just as his father would have done. Stannis watches approvingly.
Mari: In an episode that is very heavy on making moves to avenge the Starks, can we just remember that Janos Slynt was commander of the gold cloaks that ultimately betrayed Ned in favor of the Lannisters? It’s a little ways removed, but Janos had a hand in Ned’s death, and whether or not Jon Snow realizes this, this was a piece of vengeance.
Diva: I just got to the chapter in the audiobooks where Tyrion sends Janos off to the wall for that very reason – ruining all the plans of Ned going to the Wall and everyone being able to make peace by being all #TeamCersei. So, good riddance, Janos Slynt. But also, I can’t figure out how much of Janos’s involvement in Ned’s death Jon actually knows. I always read this scene as Jon doing his duty and executing a brother for refusing to obey orders, but was he also aware he was at least partially avenging his father?
Sweeney: I had not made the Janos connection before, but it’s fantastic. I highly doubt that Jon knew that he was avenging his father’s death here, but I’m thrilled to hear it all the same.
King’s Landing. Some old white man is in a brothel, surrounded by naked ladies. Maybe I’m supposed to know who the old white man is, but grimy old white man surrounded by naked ladies is such a ubiquitous scene after five seasons that I don’t feel I should be blamed for either my ignorance or my ambivalence. Today at the brothel we seem to be acting out some sort of religious porn fantasy. (D: What a weird, hilarious, uncomfortable, and weird choice. I know I said weird twice, but this scene IS weird twice.) It is interrupted by some violent men in robes. Naked man indignantly announces himself as the High Septon, but the robed men give no fucks. They accuse him of dishonoring the faith and drag his naked ass through the streets of Westeros, while whipping him. It’s unpleasant to watch.
Cut to him entering the small council. The High Septon argues that an assault on him is an assault on the gods. Cersei takes all of this in with a smug grin. When asked whether the episode began in Littlefinger’s brothel, he tries to insist that he was merely tending to the prostitutes in a religious capacity. The jokes are so numerous that I’m not sure where to begin. Cersei cuts to the chase and asks what he wants. Justice. He wants the zealots – “the sparrows” – punished and their leader, “The High Sparrow” – executed.
I don’t know about providing you with justice or anything like that, but you did just say the episode title (High Sparrow) so I can at least give you the coveted title star, which is probably better than justice anyway.
Cersei asks where she can find this man and we cut to her arriving in a King’s Landing slum that I think we saw before when Margaery was demonstrating her killer political acumen by being a lady of the people. Cersei asks after the High Sparrow and is shown to a man cooking some sort of stew. He laughs a bit at the name, explaining that the ridiculous name was given to him by his enemies and it stuck. He talks to Cersei, explaining his shoeless egalitarian religious philosophy to Cersei as he dispenses soup. Cersei, she of endless scheming, seems a little taken by this humble and sincere man. “I tell them no one’s special and they think I’m special for telling them so.” Cersei speculates that maybe he is. The High Sparrow speculates that Cersei is there to arrest him. She explains that she agrees with The High Sparrow’s take on the Septon’s hypocrisy, which is why he is now in the Red Keep. Cersei explains that the faith and the realm are vitally intertwined and I don’t entirely know what she’s playing at but I’m intrigued I think? Question mark?
Elsewhere, she goes to meet Dr. Frankenmaester (this recap is already so late I CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO GOOGLE, Y’ALL. NO TIME FOR GOOGLE. #bloggerproblems) (M: That nickname is so much better than his real name, who cares!) and ask him to send Littlefinger a raven, emphasizing the word “immediate.” Under a blanket, somebody kicks to life for a moment. I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE. Accidental naming skills! Self-five!
Diva: Between Nameless Cunt and Dr. Frankenmaester, your nickname game is on fleek and also much more descriptive than these characters’ actual names. (I’m pretty sure Nameless Cunt is billed in the credits as ‘the Waif.’ Um, real helpful, show.)
Sweeney: Speaking of Littlefinger, he’s talking to Ramsay who comments on how pretty Sansa is and how he hopes he can make her happy. Littlefinger cosigns on that wish. He finds his lack of knowledge of Ramsay a strange thing, but Roose arrives before he can pry any further into this VERY. IMPORTANT. INQUIRY. (M: Probably important pre-accepted proposals, though. This is kind of like that one time Ana put on her shoes, dress and then cooter balls. BACKWARDS, GUYS.) (D: lolforever. Perfect cooter balls reference is perfect.) (S: LOL. Cooter balls. #memories.)
Roose asks for a moment alone with Littlefinger who grosses on with assurances of Sansa’s virtue. Blech. Thankfully, Roose is uninterested in that – “it’s her name I need, not her virtue.” Which, I guess still earns a “blech.” (D: “I only want her for her dead family’s castle!” is only a small step up in grossness from “I only want her for her hymen!”) Roose asks if Littlefinger’s prepared for consequences from the Lannisters, and Littlefinger gives a rundown of how their status wanes. Roose follows that up by delivering the raven from Cersei, which makes him a little uneasy about their new alliance. He asks why Littlefinger would gamble with the title they spoonfed him. Littlefinger launches into an abbreviated version of one of his power speeches.
Littlefinger assures him that aligning The Eyrie and the North is an alliance not to be fucked with. Littlefinger asks to borrow a raven to reply to Cersei. Roose wants to read it first though.
JUST IN TIME FOR MUCH NEEDED FRESH AIR, we cut to Tyrion and Varys, who are decidedly short on fresh air. Tyrion begs to get out of their little box because he can’t remember the last face he saw that wasn’t Varys’s. “It’s a perfectly good face,” he replies. Best.
Tyrion argues that now that they are thousands of miles from Westeros, he’s just another drunk dwarf, so it should be fiiiiiiine. Those are always words the guarantee that things will not be fine. Usually this is when I shout, “HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A TV SHOW?” but in this case, “No. Clearly no.” Fine. Fair enough.
They make their way through town and come across a crowed gathered around a woman speaking something other than The Common Tongue, but subtitles tell us it importantly includes the words, “the night is dark and full of terrors.” She briefly mentions greyscale, which seems to be a recurring thing this season. I’m guessing someone we know will be afflicted because the show seems suddenly interested in talking about it. Also, this member of Creepy Red’s cult is solidly Team Dany, calling her a savior. Tyrion has his fun listening, but scuttles off when the priestess makes eye contact with him.
They find a brothel and they hang out there. There’s a lot of Dany-inspired costuming. Of course. (D: The assless version of Dany’s iconic blue dress had my jaw on the floor for the remainder of the scene. It was hilarious and horrifying all at the same time.) Varys says that someone who inspires both priests and whores is worth taking seriously. Tyrion’s over this chat so he goes to talk to a prostitute chilling by herself. Tyrion gets to make some jokes about being known for paying debts and how nobody who has ever met a queen would want to fuck one. His flirting is going well, but Tyrion suddenly realizes that he can’t. He excuses himself to pee.
Varys just misses Tyrion’s exit and in that time said pee is interrupted by Tyrion getting abducted…by Jorah Friendzoned Mormont! “I’m taking you to the queen,” he says. Roll credits.
It took me an embarrassing number of days to write this recap, so around the time I was about 75% of the way through, episode six happened and it made finishing this about a thousand times more challenging, because obviously this thing happens and I haven’t seen it but I know it’s coming and all of that. Having dispensed with that disclaimer, we try to recap in real time and keep spoilers reserved to what’s aired. I also made it a point not to edit any of what I had written after the fact, because I’d finished writing about that character by the time that thing happened.
With that in mind: my takeaway here was that Sansa was being set up with a real opportunity — and encouragement — to start trying to maneuver in the game and potentially claim some oh-so-well deserved vengeance for her family. My expectation was the stage being set for us to see her lessons from King’s Landing and Littlefinger put to some good use here. And that’s all I think I can say.
Brienne’s reflection on Renly was heartbreaking and also wonderful. It has all the trappings of this fictional universe, but at its core you have two characters who struggle against societal norms about gender and sexuality and its a story that is very real and contemporary and grounded in the here and now.
I think I said all my other thinks. Hopefully. In any event: onward to the #gameofsnark tweets!
OMG the shade. I can’t even see through Margery’s shade right now. So dark. No stars. #gameofsnark
— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) April 27, 2015
It’s got to be a little weird to be making sexy times with a twelve year old #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Rose (@Coyote_Rose) April 27, 2015
oh shit lancel phelps of the westboro baptist church is in town #gameofthrones #gameofsnark
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) April 27, 2015
Really, Cersei? You’re gonna judge other peoples sexual habits? Okay then. #gameofsnark
— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) April 27, 2015
I’m unclear how marrying a psychopath helps get vengeance for the family HIS FATHER MURDERED #GOT #gameofsnark
— Franuel (@LollyWheeks) April 27, 2015
Oh yes, I’m totally sure they have tons of waxing salons in Kings Landing to keep the sexworkers quims trim #gameofsnark
— Franuel (@LollyWheeks) April 27, 2015
Ok look. Life just got worse for Sansa. Shocker. #got#gameofsnark
— Yas Samraoui (@SpringRain88) April 27, 2015
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
