Grey Chapter 02 – Stalker Shopping 101

Previously: What was Grey doing while Ana blushed, sputtered and bit her lip? Oh, you know. Being a creepy mother fucker.
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Jessica: It’s about 5 days later, but we’re starting off with information from the background check Grey ordered on Ana at the end of the last chapter. In true EL James style, we are treated to ALL the information, which is a bunch of details that I don’t care about and am forgetting immediately. This includes her freaking Social Security Number, bank account balance and SAT score! It claims she got a 2150. Anyone know how to translate that into the old scores? I really hope it isn’t higher than Buffy’s 1430 but this is Grey, so anything can happen.

Alex: It also includes her ‘mobile’ number, which strikes me as something that the ‘Americanism’ team should maybe have picked up on? Also, I’m kind of curious about whose number that actually is. I have visions of some poor soul getting bombarded with calls from FSoG fangirls.

Marines: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that’s actually right around an old 1430. It makes me wonder if this is why Grey always calls Ana super smart, even though she never says or does anything smart. It’s that SAT score he found out in his stalk-check! It’s all coming together now.

J: Leave it to Grey to believe something in his background check but not in front of his face. Also, I really and truly feel for someone if they are at all connected to one of those numbers.

The titular Grey is currently sitting in his car in the parking lot of the hardware store in Portland where Ana works, which he knows from the above document. He’s mad because he’s been thinking of her for the past five days, especially about her lip biting.

Mari: He also makes sure to let us know that he waited five days before coming to Portland to stalk her. See, in Fifty Shades, we probably just thought he was a super creepy stalker, but in Grey we learn he restrained himself for five whole days. The character development is just oozing off the pages.

J: LAYERS.

He wonders briefly if she’s too young to want anything from him, as though her age is the only thing that could be a red flag here.

Alex: He keeps going on about how young she is, which is weird given that a) she’s 21 and he’s only 27 himself, and b) he’s been into BDSM since he was 15 and, at least at this point in the story, he seems to think that’s totally fine.

Mari: He calls Ana “enigmatic” and I’m not really sure what’s so mysterious about her, especially since he knows things like how much money is in her bank account.

J: Well here you go — He’s also curious because his background check came up with no results on her sexual orientation. The fact that she doesn’t have a boyfriend is suspicious, but the thought of her being gay makes him snort. Her chameleon blushing act during the interview makes him think otherwise, but he’s going to check, just to be sure. We wouldn’t want another Ros situation, now would we?

Mari: No one say, “bisexual” around Christian Grey.

J: After all this fuming and snorting in his car, he works up the nerve to go inside and see if Ana is as hot as he remembers. Showtime, Grey, he tells himself.

Inside the store, it takes him about 3 seconds to get a lock on her location and stare at her, like the Terminator seeking out Sarah Connor. Also, he describes the hardware store as “bigger than it looks from the outside” and I think about how I’d much rather be watching Doctor Who than watching Christian stalk a poor student. Oh, and did I mention before? He totally admits it to himself — “I’m now behaving like a stalker.” Great, just so we’re clear.

Mari: You know that old saying: if it quacks like a stalker…

J: We get another dose of murder-tastic thinking when he looks around and thinks “I’d forgotten the possibilities that a hardware store could present to someone like me.” #ThingsAMurdererWouldSay. Watching Ana eat her bagel gives him a semi-boner and he proceeds to ogle her in a fairly disgusting manner, appreciating that her clothes are tight (no more “shapeless shit” from Walmart H&M) and show off her “perfect tits.” Aw, how sweet.

Mari: You are too kind calling it a “semi-boner” because what actually happened is that watching Ana suck a bagel crumb off her finger made Grey’s “cock twitch.” I mentioned in the comments last recap that we’ll have to keep an eye out for something to count like we did whispers and murmurs. “Baby,” might be it, but I’m thinking this is not the last we hear of Grey-cock.

J: No, sadly it will not be. I mean, if it can happen for a bagel crumb, it can happen FOR ANYTHING.

When Ana sees Grey, rather than looking excited like a normal person might to see their crush, she “freezes” like a deer in the headlights. It’s like she instinctually senses the murder behind his eyes.

He makes her uncomfortable by mentioning cable ties and she leads him down the aisle to them. He stares at her butt and smirks at the thought that she’s not gay and is attracted to him. (M: If EL doesn’t stop with this not gay = automatically attracted to me BS, I’m liable to punch puppies.)

Alex: I’m just going to leave this here:

“Her long, thick ponytail keeps time like a metronome to the gentle sway of her hips.”

Carry on.

J: Riveting stuff.

Grey starts pondering the “million-dollar question” of “could she be my submissive?” Whereas I would say the real million-dollar question is WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US?

Mari: I’d even root for the discounted but still more important than “could she” question: DOES SHE EVEN FREAKIN’ WANT TO BE ANYONE’S SUBMISSIVE, DAMMIT?

J: When Ana asks why he’s in town, Grey replaces “I’m stalking you to be sure that you’re not gay” with a lie about being in Vancouver on college farming business (just go with it). Even though they’re in Portland, not Vancouver. But whatever, I’m more excited about the fact that he mentions he’s funding soil science research! Is it just me or is it heating up in here? (A: OH MY!)

Mari: Sorry, one more thing about this whole gay bit. Not even soil science can really distract me here.

Remember last chapter when he was all, “HOW DARE SHE ASK IF I’M GAY?” Somehow, that guy decided that a more appropriate action would be to STALK SOMEONE TO A DIFFERENT CITY TO OOGLE THEM AND THUS DECIDE THEIR SEXUAL ORIENTATION.

J: I feel this gif adequately represents my feelings on this as well. Especially the very last look he gives to the camera.

We get random, useless descriptions of the variety of cable ties this particular hardware store has on hand, before they move on to the masking tape aisle. Grey is bouncing between imagining tying Ana up in his playroom, feeling nervous about not conversing with her enough and wondering if he should ask her out for dinner, like a normal person, and wouldn’t that be sooo strange??

Mari: Not at all strange is that he asks if she’s worked at Clayton’s long, but he already knows the answer. “Unlike some people, I do my research.” Too bad this isn’t car buying or top places to eat in a city, you awful gasbag.

J: ALSO: Grey specifically asks for “masking tape,” which in America at least, is this super weak sauce tan-colored tape that’s barely good enough for children’s craft projects. (A: Yep, same in the UK).  I believe what he’s likely looking for is duct tape, which is gray and super sticky and features often on CSI type shows. No wonder Ana asks him if he’s redecorating. No one could be forcibly restrained with masking tape.

Mari: It would take a lot of it? And Grey’s super rich so he can buy all of the masking tape in the world. And still fund some soil science.

J: Anyway, Grey continues to have murder-y thoughts about which type of tape is best for gagging a human, and is super impressed by the way Ana measures out a length of rope “like a pro.”

Mari: As Ana is listing the types of rope they sell, Grey randomly thinks, “Shit-stop.” I… I don’t really know how to explain this. Look:

“What sort were you after? We have synthetic and natural filamen rope… twine… cable cord…”
Shit–stop. I groan inwardly, trying to chase away the image of her suspended from the ceiling in my playroom.”

I guess he thought, “shit!” and then, “STOP. No, Grey. NO SHIT. STOP IT.” But what EL wrote is shit-stop. I’d like to thank her for always adding new things to my vocabulary.

J: Their fingers touch briefly, which “resonates in [his] groin.” Ew. When he presses for more of her interests she helpfully replies “Books,” particularly British literature. He quickly dismisses her as a fan of Austen and Bronte, which he disparages as “romantic hearts-and-flowers types.” YES, CHRISTIAN, I BET YOU WOULD HATE BOOKS ABOUT FORWARD, INDEPENDENT THINKING WOMEN.

Ana suggests he buy coveralls so he doesn’t ruin his clothes and Grey thinks it’s hilarious that she thinks he’d wear clothing for a project that requires cable ties, tape and rope. At the checkout counter he asks about the article, which Katherine Kavanagh is apparently working on (who is currently no doubt cursing Ana for her terrible interview notes).

Turns out that Katherine Kavanagh needs a photograph of Grey to go along with the story, and he marvels at KK’s tenacity. What a conniving bitch. Yet he plans to figure out a way to use this to trick Ana into spending more time with him, earlier thoughts about normal dinner dates be damned. Ana gets all flustered over what kind of photographs they need of him (regular ones maybe? of his face?) (M: Why is this a trick question? “Yeah, we need some nudes for the article. Hope that’s okay.”) so he hands her his card and tells her to call him before 10 a.m. tomorrow. If she doesn’t do that, he decides, it’s over and he’s going back to Seattle forever. In some alternate universe across the distance reaches of time and space, I like to imagine there is one in which this happens. And then Grey’s helicopter blows up.

Ana is now grinning, but their happy moment is interrupted by “a young man dressed in casual designer gear” whose “eyes are all over Miss Anastasia Steele.” (A: Says the guy who’s spent the past dozen pages talking about her tits and ass). Grey’s instantly possessive as she gets a hug from her friend. Grey sees this as the other guy “staking his claim” and freaks out that his background check clearly missed the fact that she has a boyfriend. However, Ana introduces him as Paul, the hardware store owner’s brother. Her babbling convinces Grey she’s not dating this guy, though he continues to hate on him, because “His handshake is limp, like his hair.”

Mari: AND LIKE HIS PENIS. AM I RIGHT, GREY? *fist pound*

J: When Paul leaves, Grey spends the time Ana uses to ring up his purchases to wonder “whether there’s a hope in hell” she might be in to him. Americanism “experts,” were you just messing with EL James when you took on your role? The difficulty Grey’s struggling with here isn’t so much whether or not Ana wants to get involved with him, but how long it will take to train her.

As another example of completely useless and trivial detail that constantly bombards the reader, Ana announces that Grey’s purchase costs $43. “Is that all?” he thinks and it’s unclear whether he’s surprised at how cheap everything is when you’re not poor, or whether he wants Ana to say something more.

M: Maybe he was expecting her to say, “that’ll be $43 and maybe also a sex contract?” So disappointing.

J: Grey leaves the store, trying his best to play it cool and is disappointed when he looks in his rearview mirror and Ana’s not plastered up against the glass door, watching him leave. He calls bodyguard Taylor to bring the stuff he needs to Portland and thinks about how it sucks to have to wait for things. (A: He didn’t even say please. Taylor, you are way too good for this shit).

The hatred for waiting continues after a break in the chapter. FIVE HOURS have passed and Ana hasn’t called him and it’s the worst. He glares out the window and broods a bit and NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS.

After another break, it’s dusk and Grey’s finished with work. He’s gloomy about being alone again tonight but the phone rings and guess who? When he hears Ana’s voice “[his] face erupts into a shit-eating grin.” Her breathy, hitching voice affects him in his swimsuit area, and it sounds like the feeling is mutual. They agree to meet for the photo shoot at his hotel room tomorrow morning. Grey then hangs up before Ana gets any inkling that he might like her, then stares out the window and thinks some more about how he can “close this deal,” i.e. trick her into sleeping with him. Aww.

Mari: Probably you should stop hanging up on her before she can think you like her. He’s so bad at this.

Jessica: He just has to get her in the room with the masking tape. Rolls and rolls and rolls of it.

 

Baby Count: 2 (+7 from chapter 1…)

 

Trauma Flashback:

– While Grey was waiting FIVE WHOLE DAYS to stalk her life, Ana was doing the following: blasting her thumping indie rock music, going to work, where she told us she likes to read, meeting up with Josecob, who we immediately learn has the hots for her, and dreaming of “dark places, bleak, cold white floors and gray eyes.”

– In chapter 2 of FSoG, it’s Ana who has to “regain her equilibrium.” That just goes to show you that if you really think there is any differentiation of voice from when Ana tells the story and Grey does, LOL. You must be new here. Welcome.

– There are weird inconsistencies in the dialogue.

FSoG: “I was in the area,” he says by way of explanation. “I need to stock up on a few things. It’s a pleasure to see you again, Miss Steele.”

Grey: “I was in the area. I need to stock up on a few things. It’s a pleasure to see you again.”

So EL leaves off the “Miss Steele” in Grey. With any other writer, I’d chalk it up to two different people remembering it slightly differently? The problem is that in FSoG, after Ana thinks for a paragraph about how hot Grey is and how totally weird it is that he’s at Clayton’s, she responds, “Ana. My name’s Ana.”

In Grey? Even though he hasn’t called her anything since she first walked in and there is no “Miss Steele” there? She responds, “Ana. My name’s Ana.”

Um… Nice to meet you Ana?

– When Grey asks Ana if she’s worked at Clayton’s long, she blushes and wonders what’s wrong with her. “I feel like I’m fourteen years old.” When Grey witness the sexy bagel eating and his cock twitches, he thinks, “What am I, fourteen?” Meant for each other!

 

Favorite Comment Last Post: I mean, hey, I’m as glad as the next person that E.L. got some help with those soil science issues from the previous books. You know, it completely ruins your suspension of disbelief when you’re reading an erotic novel and the author can’t even tell a clay from a loam (marvel at my Google skills). Clearly there was no time left after all that soil research to spend some time figuring out pointless little details like “how faces work” and “how actual people talk.” It’s totally not her fault. – Gen

 

Next time on Grey: Grey asks Ana out for coffee. She will probably blush a lot all on Sunday May 15, 2011.