Previously: The boys fell for the “I look like an innocent teenage cheerleader but really I’m a 600 year old witch” trick. Also, Sam sad pandaed because angels are dicks.
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Wishful Thinking
Kirsti: We open with a woman showering and lots of long, lingering shots of her back and legs, because OF COURSE WE FUCKING DO.
Marines: I don’t know why TV and movies try to make us thing that showers are evil. I love showers. Stop trying to ruin it for me, dammit.
K: EXACTLY.
The door opens behind her and a scrawny looking teenager steps in. The music gets murdery and we get a bizarrely long shot of the shower head. I’m also 90% sure her hair would be really dry because she’s not actually rinsing anything off it. Aaaaaanyway. She turns off the shower, and turns around. As she turns, Teenage Dirtbag turns invisible.
She climbs out of the shower and grabs a towel, wrapping it around herself. Okay but like does anyone outside of Hollywood ACTUALLY wrap a towel around them without drying themselves first?! (M: I’ll answer for everyone: No.) This woman clearly has no idea how to shower. Back in the shower, an invisible hand wipes some condensation from the glass to get a better look.
She wraps her hair up in a towel and we see wet footprints appearing across the floor. She hears something, and calls out “Hello?“. There’s no response. She pulls the towel off her head and uses it to dry her hair a little, then tosses it across the room. TOWEL RAILS, LADY. THEY’RE A THING. The towel lands on the still-invisible Teenage Dirtbag, who awkwardly greets her by name. She screams us into the Not Credits.
CREEPY BIRDS!
At a bar, Dean does shot after shot while insisting that Uriel’s a lying jerkface and he definitely doesn’t remember Hell. (M: Oh, honey. Maybe try that lie again with less crazy eyes.) Sam bitchfaces. Dean asks what jobs are going at the moment, and Sam says it’s been pretty quiet except for this one ghost that’s haunting the showers at a women’s health club. Dean does a spit take and immediately grabs his wallet to pay and hit the road.
Cut to the Bromobile pulling up in Concrete, Washington. Sam jumps out at a Chinese restaurant and Dean drives away. Inside, the camera follows a dorky looking guy walking with his hot girlfriend, then we see Sam interviewing Shower Lady. She talks about how she’s a “natural sensitive” to the spirit world, and asks what his book’s going to be called. He awkwards and says that the working title is “Supernatural“. I stare judgementally at an invisible camera, as if I’m Jim Halpert.
Shower Lady starts to tell her story, but Sam gets distracted by the dorky guy – WHO IS FREAKING JOXER FROM XENA, WARRIOR PRINCESS. BE STILL MY TEEN YEARS – and his hot girlfriend making out. Shower Lady looks offended, but continues: the ghost chased her, she fell down the stairs, the ghost helped her up and said “Please don’t tell my mom” over and over. Sam gets WTF face.
He meets up with Dean at the health club, and Dean’s massively disappointed that there are no signs of a ghost anywhere because he wanted to save some naked women. A terrified looking weedy little kid runs past them, chased by a group of bigger kids. “Run, Forrest, run!” Dean yells after him. Rude. Sam says he doesn’t think there’s anything legit weird going on in town. Just then, they spot a guy shouting at the sheriff that he was attacked by Bigfoot.
The boys introduce themselves as FBI agents – sadly, without terrible fake names – and ask where the attack took place. Cut to them walking through the woods discussing whether or not someone’s drugging the entire town. Then they spot an enormous footprint in the dirt and are all “Shit, maybe Bigfoot’s real??”. They follow the trail and end up at liquor store. The door’s ripped off. “O…kay?” Dean says.
They head inside, and the place is trashed. Dean eyes the smashed bottles on the floor and declares “Amaretto and Irish Cream. He’s a girl drink drunk.” Because Tumblr pointed out something to me recently that now seems obvious, I feel the need to go on a rant: so-called girl drinks? Contain anywhere between two and five shots of alcohol, which is usually between 20% abv and 40%abv. So yeah, please keep giving us shit about how we get drunk off two or three drinks while you keep sipping your 4.6%abv beer…
Mari: And the additional rib seems to be, “hahaha, girls like things that taste delicious.”
…yes?
K: I mean, who doesn’t?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway.
Sam notices that all the porn magazines are gone too. And there’s a chunk of fur left behind. Looking a little shellshocked, they head outside and sit down to contemplate possible culprits. They both have nothing. Sam suggests it’s a hoax, and Dean suggests that maybe it’s actually Bigfoot. But not in a serious way. Just then, a little girl rides up on her bike, the basket on the back full of porn magazines, including Busty Asian Beauties, my least favourite ongoing Supernatural in-joke.
Mari: Did a porn magazine just conveniently fly out of her basket? Wow.
K: Okay, right?!
The little girl leaves a crate of porn and booze at the back door of the shop with a note saying “SORRY”, then she leaves. The boys follow her home in the Bromobile, which is tooooooooooootally not creepy #ohwait. They knock on the door. When the little girl answers, they ask to see her parents, but she says they’re not home. Dean struggles to give a description of Bigfoot, but he’s barely started when the little girl squeals “Is he in trouble??“.
The boys exchange a look, and insist that he’s not. They just want to know that he’s okay. The little girl says he’s her teddy bear, and the boys get “WTF?” face before pulling out their health inspector IDs. “We…are, uh…teddy bear doctors!” Dean says. Sam gives a pained smile of agreement. She asks if they’ll examine her bear, and they follow her inside.
After the Not Commercial Break, the little girl says all she wanted was a teddy who was huge and alive and could talk, and instead she got one who’s “ouch in the head” sad all the time and who “smells like a bus“. Dean asks how her teddy became real, and Audrey – they finally gave her a name – says that she wished for it at the wishing well.
Dean opens the door again and the teddy sobs about how terrible the world is while watching the news. He wants to know why he’s there, and Audrey yells “FOR TEA PARTIES!“. Teddy wants to know if that’s all there is to life and goes back to sobbing. Dean gets “CANNOT UNSEE” face again, and backs out of the room.
Sam turns back to Audrey and asks where her parents are. “They wished they were in Bali, so I think they’re in Bali…” she says. They awkwardly inform her that her teddy bear has lollipop disease, which is highly contagious, and say that she needs to go stay with a neighbour for a few days. Before she leaves, Dean asks her where the wishing well is.
Mari: I like Audrey. What a sassy kid and her FOR TEA PARTIES was perfect.
K: With that, we cut to the well and the weedy terrified kid from earlier tossing a coin in the water. He closes his eyes and wishes, then walks out just as the boys arrive. The well’s at the Chinese restaurant. Sam wonders if the well works, and Dean tosses a coin in. A second later, a guy walks in to deliver a footlong Italian sandwich with jalapenos. Dean looks thrilled because it totally works.
Later, they sit at a table as Dean eats his sandwich. Really? You’re eating a fucking sandwich IN A RESTAURANT??? Whatever. He pulls out the newspaper, which has a headline about a local guy winning the lottery, and says he thinks that was a wish too. Sam looks over at Joxer and his hot girlfriend, and suspects that is too. Wow, Sam. Judgey much? (M: Seriously, that dude was on Xena. That earns you mad points.) Dean agrees. Sadly, he agrees with Sam, not me. (M: Or me.)
Dean says he doesn’t know what to do because stopping people’s wishes from coming true is a dick move. Sam points out that such things always come with a catch. The owner walks up to tell Dean to stop eating outside food in his restaurant, and Dean pulls out an ID, and says they’re from the health department and they’re closing the restaurant down because of rats. Okay, but like fucking with people’s livelihoods isn’t cool, yo. Just break in at 3am as usual, yeah? At least insurance covers that.
Anyway, they drain the well, and sweep up the coins. The owner insists his restaurant is clean, but Sam tells him to GTFO. Dean tosses Sam a coin, saying he should make a wish. Sam refuses because “it wouldn’t be real“. Dean assumes Sam’s talking about having a real life and not being a hunter any more, but Sam says it’s too late to go back to that because he’s not that person any more. Dean asks what he’d wish for, and Sam coldly replies “Lilith’s head on a plate“. Dean looks concerned.
Mari: I mean, he specifies that said head should be bloody, so yeah, I’m pretty concerned too.
K: Legit.
Just then, he spots an old coin at the bottom of the well. He tries to pull it out, but it’s stuck. He tries again, and it still doesn’t budge. They head to the car and come back with a bunch of tools. The owner looks worried. Dean tries to lever the coin off with a crowbar. Nothing. The owner freaks, and Sam makes up code violations to get him to back off. Dean hits the end of the crowbar with a mallet, and the head snaps off and flies across the room. The coin still hasn’t budged. Clearly it’s magical.
Sam takes a rubbing of the coin, and tells Dean to investigate because he’s just realised something. He walks out, leaving Dean to deal with the slightly suspicious owner. Cut to the health club. Another woman wrapped in a towel. More footprints appearing across the floor. Except this time, Sam reaches out and grabs the “ghost”. Teenage Dirtbag turns visible again. The woman spots them both in the mirror and rushes out, despite Sam’s claims that he’s from the health department.
Sam rants at Teenage Dirtbag over his creepy gross wish, and Teenage Dirtbag – who’s ginger and weedy and pale – stutters awwkardly. Sam tells him to get dressed and stay visible. Teenage Dirtbag reluctantly agrees. Across town, Dean spots the running kids again. But this time, the weedy little one is doing the chasing. “YOU BETTER RUN!” he yells. Then he stops and glares at Dean, demanding to know what his problem is. Dean looks startled.
Mari: Clearly I had to Google bogan but still: A+
K: Dean says the only way to stop the madness is to find the person who made the first wish, because only they can pull the coin out and reverse everything. And they have to find the person because things are just going to get weirder and weirder. Cut to Audrey’s house. The camera pans across a blackboard with “Life is meaningless. Signed T. Bear” scrawled on it. Teddy sobs and puts a shotgun in his mouth. He pulls the trigger and stuffing flies everywhere. “WHYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!” he screams, still alive despite the fact that the back of his head is missing. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, Dean has nightmares about Hell. Sam wakes him, and Dean immediately reaches for a bottle of whisky by the bed. Oof. Sam says he can totally see the drinking and the nightmares because they literally never leave each other. He demands the truth, asks Dean to talk to him. Dean changes the subject, insisting that he wants to work. Sam says all their cases are about two weeks old, but he doesn’t know what came first. Dean points out an announcement in the newspaper that’s a month old: Joxer’s surprise engagement to his hot girlfriend.
Cut to Joxer’s house. He’s asleep in front of Captain Blood. Hot Fiancee walks in and announces that she’s made him a snack. It’s a full roast chicken dinner. He insists that she didn’t have to do that, and she says she had to because she loves him so much. He asks if she’s happy, and all she says is that she loves him. He says he wants her to do things that made her happy before they were together, and she cries and begs him not to be angry because she’d die if he was angry.
He assures her that he’s not angry, and she says she’ll make it right with a blow job. This whole thing reminds me very much of that time Warren made mind control balls and made his ex-girlfriend his sex slave. Essentially, I want to vomit. Luckily, the doorbell rings. Hot Fiancee answers it, and returns with the Winchesters, who’ve told her they’re florists. She kisses Joxer and rushes off to get her folders.
Left alone with the boys, Joxer retreats into his shell. The boys note his collection of coins, and ask if he lost one recently. Say, in a wishing well at a Chinese restaurant. Hot Fiancee returns with her folders and babbles excitedly about the flowers. The boys made noises of agreement, and ask her to tell the story of how she and Joxer met. She happily says that they’ve both lived there all their lives but she never knew who he was.
Until one day, it was like she saw him for the first time, and it was like he was glowing. She’s suddenly super horny, and can’t stop kissing him. Joxer asks her to go make coffee as the boys make grossed out faces. But, like, because geeky guy + hot girl = wrong, not because SHE HAS NO FREE WILL AND IS ESSENTIALLY A RAPE VICTIM. I hereby grant us all the misogyny shots in the world and I really want Xena to turn up and sort this out, because…reasons.
K: Truth.
The boys tell Joxer that they know what’s going on, and tell him to spill the beans. He reluctantly admits that his grandfather found the coin in North Africa and made him promise to never use it. But then his grandfather died and he figured why not fuck up some poor woman’s life?! The boys inform him that he has to undo the spell, and he laughs. Dean pulls a gun, and says Joxer’s going with them.
In the Bromobile, Joxer wants to know why his wish coming true has to be a bad thing. The boys point out that the entire town is fucking insane, but he has zero fucks to give. His wish was that Hot Fiancee loved him more than anything. Sam snaps that it seems to be going BRILLIANTLY, and Joxer insists it’s better than when she didn’t know he existed. Dean sighs and says people aren’t meant to get what they want, not really. Because the coin twists your wishes around.
Mari: It’s cool that the underlying lesson here is, “you can’t get what you want,” instead of, “when you force others to do what you want, it’s bad and you deserve to die at Xena’s hand,” or something similar.
K: If by “cool”, you mean “endlessly frustrating and rage-inducing”, then yes.
The Bromobile thuds over something in the road, and Sam asks if they hit something. Dean says he didn’t see anything. As the car drives off, Teenage Dirtbag turns visible again and groans in pain. Back in the Bromobile, Joxer singsongs sarcastically about being careful what you wish for and claims the only people who say that are hot guys like the Winchesters who don’t have to worry about women being attracted to them.
I really REALLY hate this nerdboy mentality that every woman ever finds them unattractive. Because it tends to go hand in hand with “SHE FRIENDZONED ME! I’M A NICE GUY!” bullshit. Dean insists that their lives are pretty shitty and they have to fight for everything they have because that’s how life is meant to be. Joxer doesn’t believe them, because Hot Fiancee being in love with him is awesome and he can’t see any of the insanity in town.
Cut to Weedy Kid. The bullies have locked themselves in a car and are screaming in terror as he circles the car. Then he flips the car onto its side as the bullies scream some more. Dean points out that that should be an indication of the insanity Joxer can’t see. “KNEEL BEFORE TODD!!” Weedy Kid yells to the sky. Fade to black.
At the restaurant, Sam tries to usher Joxer inside, but he’s too busy throwing a Spoilt Brat Fest about not getting what he wants. Sam points out that not getting what you want is part of life. But he’s interrupted by a bolt of lightning, which blasts him out of his shoes. He lands on the ground, smoking. Joxer looks shocked and runs inside. He finds Hot Fiancee standing over the wishing well. She cries that she had to do it because Sam was going to make him wish away their love.
Across town, Dean drags himself upright and marches towards Throat Punch Todd. He throws a punch, but TPT doesn’t budge. Dean, on the other hand, doubles up in pain, clutching his hand. TPT grabs him by the throat. Restaurant. Joxer’s horrified that Hot Fiancee would kill a guy, and she sobs that she had to do it because she loves him more than anything, even life. He hugs her and assures her that everything will be okay because he’ll make things right.
He bends down and pulls the coin from the well. TPT’s strength vanishes and Dean gasps for air. Sam comes to in the street. Hot Fiancee looks confused. TPT looks broken. Dean tells TPTd to follow his lead. As the bullies clamber out of the overturned car, Dean backs away from TPT and begs for mercy. He strongly suggests that the bullies stay away from TPT, then leaves with a smirk. The bullies cower away from TPT in fear. TPT smiles to himself and walks away.
Back at the restaurant, Joxer calls out to Hot Fiancee. “Do I know you?” she asks, looking confused. She looks around, then wanders outside. Joxer looks hurt. Outside, she studies Sam in confusion, then walks away. Joxer hands Sam the cursed coin and Sam nods before watching him walk away. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, the newspaper informs us that the winning lottery ticket was a fake. Audrey, her teddy bear’s head sealed up with a bandaid, walks on the pier with her cranky looking sunburnt parents. She waves at Dean as she passes. Sam enternounces that the coin’s been melted down. Dean says all the wishes seem to have reversed and that they should leave town.
They start walking, then Dean stops. He says that Sam was right: he remembers everything that happened in Hell. Sam wants him to share, but Dean refuses. He won’t lie any more, but he won’t talk about it. There are no words for what he saw. It’s in his head forever, and nothing will make it better. The tinkly orchestra tinkles. He says there’s no way Sam could ever understand. Sam tears up, and Dean looks away before walking back towards the car. Fade to black.
Past Kirsti used to quite like this episode. The line about being teddy bear doctors is cute, and the way they have to ad lib things on the fly because everything’s so weird is a fun change. But when you look closer? This episode is full of ick. A woman is stripped of her voice and her agency to effectively be a sex slave. A little girl is left home alone with no one but her depressed teddy bear for company. A little boy is bullied relentlessly and the only way he can see to save himself is to basically become a supervillain. Mental illness and suicide are used as the set up for jokes. And yet, we’re supposed to have feels for Joxer’s character, the poor lonely nerd who’s not attractive enough to be noticed by women. My rage is strong with this one. But it fuels my hate-fire and that keeps me warm.
Next time on Supernatural: We find out what Sam REALLY got up to when Dean was in Hell in S04 E09 – I Know What You Did Last Summer.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
