Grey Chapter 03 – Men or tea?

Previously: Grey went to Portland to figure out if Ana was gay. Her jeans and crazy breathing convinced him she was not.
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Alex: It’s the day after Grey’s stalker-shopping trip. He’s out for an early-morning run as he listens to Moby and recalls dreaming about Ana last night. (J: For some reason, knowing Grey listens to Moby makes me laugh.) In his dream she was on her knees and calling him ‘sir’. How sweet. His run apparently goes on for TWO WHOLE HOURS, although E.L. James thankfully manages to resist the urge to narrate the entire thing and instead skips to Grey jogging past a coffee shop on his way back to the hotel. He briefly considers asking Ana out for a coffee date, but then he laughs at himself because that’s something a normal non-murdery person would do. Ew.

Marines: I have a feeling that the entire reason we went on this jog with Grey is so that he could pass a coffee shop and think of inviting Ana there. Or else, how else would Grey think of the idea to invite a girl to coffee? Or really, how else would EL James fit this brilliant and intricate plan into the narrative? Or really really, how else would EL fill hundreds and hundreds of pages? 

Alex: All excellent questions.

He gets back to the hotel and I’m sure you’ll be relieved to hear that he remembers to stretch after his run and then decides to eat before showering because hunger is ‘not a feeling I tolerate — ever‘. (M: Pretty easy to be so intolerant when you can think of blow jobs to distract you from hunger.)

Some time later, Taylor (<3) arrives to escort Grey to the photoshoot. Grey still has wet hair but he doesn’t even care because he’s a ‘louche fucker‘.

J: Yeah I stared at those words for a straight minute in confusion. For the record- not an Americanism.

Alex: Grey gets to the hotel room which is apparently ‘crowded with people, lights, and camera boxes‘. I’m not sure why they need so many people and multiple cameras (whole boxes full?) for this, but OK. (J: This is Christian Grey. He takes up a lot of camera. With his sexuality.) (M: In FS0G, Ana tells us there are four people in the room. FOUR.) He spots Ana and thinks a few pervy thoughts about her outfit, including that her jeans are ‘not very convenient‘. Lovely. (M: For murder?) (M: Oh, sex, got it. Sorry. Grey makes me think murder first.)

Ana introduces Grey to Kate, who he seems to really hate even though he’s never met her before. They make a bit of small talk and shake hands. Because Kate is such a privileged fucking bitch, she has a ‘firm, confident handshake‘. How dare she? Clearly a complete and utter cunt. That handshake is enough for Grey to question her entire friendship with Ana and conclude that ‘they have nothing in common‘.

Jessica: For all the detail we get about EVERYTHING ELSE, poor Katherine Kavanagh gets three measly adjectives- tall, striking and well groomed. Also, somehow Grey knows that she has her mother’s eyes, which I just find creepy.

Mari: I like that Ana having $600 in her bank account and being a product of divorce is somehow enough for Grey to be like, “OMG SHE HAS NOTHING IN COMMON WITH A RICH PERSON.” I hate it so much. 

Alex: Next, Grey meets José(cob) and shit gets real as Grey wonders if Ana’s sleeping with this guy. (J: Grey’s bouncing from thinking she’s into him, to gay, to banging the nearest male, is positively dizzying. None of it is endearing.) Grey and José have a pissing contest with their eyes for a bit, and then Kate dares to ask Grey to sit down for his photo shoot. What. A. Bitch. (M: “Clearly this woman in charge of this photo shoot likes to be in charge. I’m so amused by my deep observation.” HE’S THE WORST.) José takes some photos while Grey and Ana make sexy eyes at each other the entire time, and I’m guessing that it’s really awkward for everyone else crammed into this presumably not-very-big hotel room to watch this happening.

Jessica: Also, why a random hotel room? Wouldn’t it make more sense to have Grey do a photo shoot in his office, or at least an office? Or standing next to his helicopter? Or inspecting some soil samples at the university?

Mari: Also, also, Ana is standing in the back of the room and Grey thinks this makes her a “natural submissive.” No word about how probably she was standing AWAY FROM THE PHOTO SHOOT AND PROBABLY THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SUBMISSION, YOU NOXIOUS GARBAGE PILE.

Alex: After the photoshoot Grey thinks a bit more about how much he hates Kate and José, and then asks Ana to walk him out so that he can get her away from them. He invites her to join him for coffee. She’s supposed to be driving her friends home, but he orders Taylor to do it instead. Ana doesn’t like this idea and instead offers to ‘swap vehicles with Kate‘ so that she can go get that coffee with him. Maybe this was explained better in the other book, but how exactly does swapping cars with Kate solve anything? And who the hell says ‘vehicles’? (J: Maybe one of their vehicles is really small?)

Mari: Yeah, no, I couldn’t figure out why they had to swap vehicles for this AT ALL while I was recapping FSoG. Ana drove her crappy Beattle and Kate her CLK. So basically, she sent all her friends home in her old car and kept Kate’s nice one. Cool.

Alex: I guess Ana’s car was the only one capable of holding all the MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of people at the photoshoot? Or, you know. Four. Whatever.

Anyway, we then get some pointless filler about Taylor going to get Grey’s jacket while Ana talks to Kate, because James still hasn’t figured out that you don’t actually have to narrate every single passing second.

Jessica: Also she describes Taylor going to get the jacket as “He turns on his heel, his lips twitching as he heads up the corridor.” It took me a moment to realize she probably meant his mouth was smiling because of Grey and Ana, but my head canon says Taylor is just seconds away from snapping and telling his boss to go fuck himself.) (M: Yes.) (A: I wholeheartedly approve of this head canon).

Alex: Grey starts to freak out about how long Ana’s taking and the only explanation he can think of is that she’s smooching with José. But then she reappears and he’s relieved to see that she ‘doesn’t look like she’s just been kissed‘. Right.

Mari: Who in the hell is this guy?

Alex: Grey decides to question Ana about her friendship with that awful slut-bag Katherine Kavanagh as they walk together. They interrupt a couple making out in the elevator, and they all travel down to the first floor together in awkward silence. As they step out, Grey decides to take Ana’s hand, and is disappointed to discover that it’s not even sweaty with nerves. Sorry, bro. I guess she must be gay after all.

Mari: This is the first time I’ve ever heard of someone disappointed by a lack of hand sweat. 

Alex: They get to the coffee shop and Ana asks him to get her some of that ridiculous weak-ass tea that she likes. We then get three damn pages of Grey ordering their drinks at the counter, while being a total dick to the staff for absolutely no reason. He also buys a muffin so that he can maybe force Ana to eat even though she said she wasn’t hungry.

Mari: He tells us the lady at the counter is being nice to everyone, but when she’s nice to him, he assumes it’s because of his spectacular face. GET OVER YOURSELF. 

Alex: He bring her the tea and she somehow manages to turn putting a teabag into some water into ‘an elaborate and messy spectacle‘. And then this happens:

“As she tells me she likes her tea weak and black, for a moment I think she’s describing what she likes in a man”.

Jessica: I don’t— I don’t even know what to— I just…… ?????????

Mari: I’m commenting from an airport and surely making everyone around me uncomfortable because I’M DYING. HE’S NOT EVEN JOKING. This could’ve been a joke but NO he actually has to tell himself to reign in that thought because surely, Ana wouldn’t like weak black men. 

Alex: Even better is that he then thinks immediately of José. Same difference, right?

He asks whether José is her boyfriend, which Ana finds very amusing. Grey is relieved to hear that she’s not dating a weak black Hispanic man, but he continues to grill her about her love life and then tells her that she seems really nervous around men. Instead of telling him to go fuck himself, Ana apologetically mumbles that she finds him ‘intimidating’. His response is ‘you should find me intimidating‘. What a catch. They go on like this for a while, and then he decides to ask about her family even though he already has all the details from that background check he had done. NBD.

Grey asks if she’s an only child, and for some reason Ana has to flutter her eyelashes a lot before she answers this very simple question. She also rolls her eyes which of course makes Grey angry and horny. She eventually opens up and tells him all about her parents. He worries that she might be an ‘incurable romantic‘ like her four-times-married mother, which makes him panic about whether she’ll want to be his submissive. Then Ana asks about his family and Christian begrudgingly shares a few details with her.

The conversation turns to travel. Ana really wants to go to England, because that’s where all the best books come from. OK, but now it’s also where the absolute worst books come from, so our tourist board should maybe avoid making too big a deal about our literary prowess. (M: A+ and 1430.) Christian gets sad that he’s competing with ‘impossible romantic heroes‘ like Darcy, Rochester and Angel Clare. Because women who read books only want to date characters from those books, obviously.

Mari: Well, that would be the experience James knows because she wrote a book with a horrible male character and found so many ladies who went WE WANT TO DATE HIM! I’m sure it’s just a portion of readers, but the other portion she blocks on Twitter.

Alex: Ana looks at her watch and announces that she’d better get back to her studies, and Grey gets annoyed with himself for ‘blowing this deal’. He decides to use the walk back to the hotel to ‘make my case’. Yuck. The idea that a guy might actually think about a first date in these terms kind of makes me want to delete my Tinder account forever and ever.

As they walk back to the hotel he asks if she always wears jeans, and he’s annoyed that she does because ‘I like my women in skirts. I like them accessible‘.

J: Because in his mind, accessible = clothing barrier, not consent or anything like that.

Mari: I’m surprised he finds jeans a deal breaker when he’s so confident he can change BASICALLY EVERY OTHER THING ABOUT HER. Lip biting? I can fix that! Fidgeting? I can fix that! Blushing? I can fix that! Jean-wearing? DEAL BREAKER.

Alex: This is a prime example of something that was discussed in the comments last week. Namely that this book actually manages to do the impossible: it makes Grey seem EVEN WORSE than FSoG did. I had this vague idea that, by revealing Grey’s inner monologue to us, E. L. James was going to try to justify all of his bullshit and prove to us that he’s just, like, sooo misunderstood. Then we get inside his head and he’s all ‘Jeans?! But then I can’t shove things in her vagina whenever I feel like it! Unacceptable! I demand quick and convenient access to her vagina at all times!’. Yep, he’s totally redeeming himself in my eyes. Great job, Erika! Also, this is so clearly lifted straight from Demetri Marchessini. What a fantastic role model for a romantic hero.

Aaaanyway. Back to that hideously boring date. Ana asks him whether he has a girlfriend, and is so alarmed by his reply (‘I don’t do the girlfriend thing’) that she falls into the road and nearly gets hit by a cyclist. He grabs her and they just stand there holding each other. He closes his eyes and inhales her scent for a while, and I can’t imagine any possible scenario in which this would not be hella creepy. No matter how well a date’s going, if the guy starts closing his eyes and sniffing me then I’m pretty sure I’m getting out of there as quickly as possible. If  you were wondering, by the way, she smells like his grandfather’s apple orchard. (J: Hooray?) (M: You remind me of my grandpa, girl. SWOON.)

Ana is so taken with him that she forgets to breathe, and he has to remind her. Because Ana literally can’t do a single damn thing for herself without Grey’s help. Not even breathing, or standing up unaided. He tells her to stay away from him because he’s a vampire or something, IDK. (J: A+) He finally lets go of her and she somehow manages to stay upright, even though she’s all embarrassed and rejected.

They walk back to her car and say their goodbyes, before she storms off in a huff. Grey is left standing there, all alone, thinking about apples.

Trauma Flashback:

– I laughed at Grey for worrying he’d have to compete with Mr. Darcy for Ana’s affection. However, in FSoG, Ana was asked out by Paul shortly before her phonecall to Grey, and she turned him down because ‘he’s no literary hero’.

– The worst part about the whole coffee-shop exchange is that E.L. obviously decided to make some effort to avoid just copying and pasting this conversation verbatim from the previous book. However,  rather than just skipping over some of the less relevant stuff, she went ahead and rewrote every single unnecessary detail. For example:

Fifty Shades of Grey, Chapter Three:

“And what’s he like?”
“Ray? He’s … taciturn.”
“That’s it?” Grey asks, surprised.
I shrug . What does this man expect ? My life story?
“Taciturn like his stepdaughter,” Grey prompts.
I refrain from rolling my eyes at him.
“He likes soccer— European soccer especially— and bowling, and fly-fishing, and making furniture. He’s a carpenter . Ex-army.” I sigh.

Grey, Chapter Three:

I ask about her stepfather and she confirms my hunch. It’s obvious she loves him. Her face is luminous when she talks about him: his job (he’s a carpenter), his hobbies (he likes European soccer and fishing).

We probably didn’t need to hear a list of Ray’s hobbies the first time, and we definitely don’t need to hear it all over again here. Although I do wonder why ‘bowling’ apparently didn’t make the cut this time around.

Baby Count: Amazingly, zero.

 

Favorite Comment Last Post: My fiance came up with the best definition of “shit-stop”: it’s the last possible opportunity to stop what you’re doing before it’s “shit or bust” time. If he hadn’t shit-stopped, he would have shit or busted all over that hardware store! Aaaaaaand I’ve disgusted myself. But not nearly as much as EL disgusts me, so at least there’s that. – Liz

 

Next time on Grey: Grey sends Ana an “are you staying away from me yet?” gift in chapter 4.