Game of Thrones S05 E07 – Remembering cousin sex and forgetting regicide

Previously: Our souls died.
—The Gift

Democracy Diva: I don’t have the emotional wherewithal to recap the previouslies, so let’s just dive right in.

It’s snowing +t The Wall, because DUH, and some of the Night’s Watch usher Tormund Giantsbane Ginger NotMance – to Lord Commander Snow. Ginger’s chains are removed, and he makes a bit of a “come at me, bro” gesture at Ser Alliser Bitchface Thorne, which I dig. Apparently Ser Alliser Bitchface is the First Ranger, and Jon gives him command of Castle Black, which seems like a non-awesome idea. Ser Alliser is like, this mission to rescue wildlings who we were like FIVE MINUTES AGO trying to murder us is dumb as fuck. Little Ollie just stares at Lord Commander Snow and broods in that “stop saving dudes who killed and ate my parents” kinda way.

Marines: Everything about this is so incredibly not going to end well. Everyone here is just looking on with faces that say I’MMA MAKE SURE THIS DOESN’T END WELL.

Diva: Hi from the future! NO COMMENT.

Sam gives Jon some dragonglass, that super-useful tool for murdering White Walkers, as a goodbye gift, as Jon leaves for the Saving All Dem Wildlings mission. They do a brotherly farewell hug that gives me (and Book!Jon) all kinds of flashback feels to his final goodbye with Robb, and brb I’m crying because Tumblr also reads the books and linked these scenes together:

      Ok, Sam Tarly is no Robb Stark, but still. #brotherfeels abound.

Mari: The episode just started and I need a cry-break.

Diva: If I took a cry-break every time I needed one, these episodes would take longer to recap than they already do. Which is really, really long, you guys.

Jon, Ginger, and some more of the Watch ride off to save some wildlings, much to the chagrin of a TON of people.

Maester Aemon coos and giggles over Little Sam, Gilly’s baby. He remembers his little brother, King Aegon – he calls him Egg, which is really goddamn adorable – laughing just like baby Sam. Aemon calls Gilly “Gillyflower,” and it’s so sweet I can’t even handle it, because all happiness on this show is just a prelude to whatever new soul-sucking torture the showrunners can think of, and tells her to take the baby south while she still can.

Mari: Also, I’d clarify that “happiness” in this scene is an old man playing with a baby  on his deathbed, thinking about his baby brother who grew up to be batshit insane. So.

Diva: Winterfell, but it’s not really Winterfell anymore, because the Winterfell I remember is safe and happy and has more than one Stark in it. Sansa begs Theon to save her from Ramsay, but he’s sure this will only cause her more pain and torture. Sansa cries about being locked in her room all day, and raped by Ramsay each night. Sansa doesn’t think her life can get any worse, but Theon insists Ramsay can ALWAYS be worse. Suddenly she lunges at him, screaming about his betrayal of her family, and begging for his help. She’s still teary, but her voice is strong and commanding as she reminds a quivering, terrified Theon that THE NORTH REMEMBERS. If she lights a candle, someone will rescue her – but she needs Theon to go to the top of the tower and light the candle for her. For the 10th time this scene, he reminds her that his name is Reek, but she grabs a hold of him, stares him down, and firmly tells him, “Your name is Theon Greyjoy.”

      It’s an incredibly empowering moment for Sansa, who refuses to let her rape to rob her of her strength and her survival instincts. She uses her incredible emotional strength to lift up a broken, weakened shell of a man. She is Sansa Stark of Winterfell, and she ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.

Mari: All the strength that she portrays in this scene is in contrast to the way her body is bruised, in the ways we can see. This girl has more inner fortitude than probably anyone else on this show. I hope she escapes and soon, but you know. THIS SHOW.

Diva: Theon nods, shaking, agreeing to help, and scampers off. The light hits the bruises on Sansa’s arm as he leaves, and I can’t stop looking at them and wanting to dive through my screen and light that goddamn candle for her and murder the shit out of Ramsay.

Theon walks through the snow with a touch more purpose and confidence than Reek normally displays. He climbs the steps to a high tower room, enters, and stares at Ramsay. He starts quivering again. From afar, Brienne stares at the tower, waiting for the light of a candle.

The Wall. Maester Aemon isn’t in his right mind, and tells his baby brother Egg that their mother is looking for him. Gilly tells Sam to get some sleep – because he’ll need to speak at the Maester’s funeral tomorrow – and she’ll watch over the Maester for the night. Sam refuses to leave the man who has been so kind to him. Sweating and shivering, Maester Aemon says with surprising strength, “Egg, I dreamed that I was old.” His final words. Which I am apparently allergic to, based on the amount of makeup streaming down my face right now. I know I shouldn’t be devastated – Maester Aemon lived to be over a hundred years old, and is the first (and probably last) person we’ve ever seen die of old age on a show with an infinite number of brutally violent deaths. But that line just sticks in my heart.

Mari: Also, it’s losing a really solid, sane, rational and wise character in an otherwise hot mess. Remember earlier when I was like “the wall is in bad shape?” Well, killing off the voice of reason also does not bode well. 

Diva: Maester Aemon’s funeral. Sam reminds us that Aemon was a Targaryen, and the wisest and kindest man in the world. Sam calls him “the blood of the dragon,” and the men – even Alliser Thorne – murmur “and now his watch is ended.” They light his funeral pyre – all Targaryens are burned in the end, it’s part of their House’s death ritual – and Alliser reminds Sam that all his friends are gone. Except Gilly is like right there, so whatever, Alliser. It’s not like you’re the most popular boy in school either.

Mari: It’s kind of rude to do this right at the funeral, but over all, THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP, ALLISER. Sam just looks across the way and sees someone grilling him so Alliser did a good job letting Sam know Sam-hate was a thing.

Diva: Winterfell. Ramsay gives Sansa a kiss and expresses happiness that she isn’t fat like he thought she’d be, because we didn’t already hate him or anything. As Ramsay talks about Stannis marching towards Winterfell and probs freezing to death in all this goddamn snow, Sansa grabs something surreptitiously. A candle? A weapon? A letter? IDK. Ramsay tells Sansa that soon, he’ll be Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North, and she’ll be his Wardeness. Sansa, ballsy as all hell, reminds Ramsay that his stepmother is pregnant. If she has a boy, wouldn’t he be the heir? Then TOTALLY BADASS SANSA comes out to play:

      EPIC. If I weren’t terrified to my core about Ramsay’s retribution, I’d totes be watching this convo like:

Mari: Unfortunately it’s more like this:

Diva: Ramsay is momentarily speechless at that, but then reminds her that bastards can rise high. Like her brother Jon, who’s now Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch – which is news to Sansa. Ramsay has something to show Sansa, and of course, it’s a corpse – the corpse of the old woman who told her to light that candle if she needed rescuing. Theon ratted her out to Ramsay, because even the epic emotional power of Sansa Stark can’t save a man who’s that far gone. We see the corpse’s hands and arms- she’s been completely flayed. Sansa weeps silently, Theon looks ashamed, and Ramsay orders his guards to take Sansa back to her chambers. And then gives a little evil laugh, just in case we didn’t know he was SUPER DUPER EVIL. (M: It’s reaching caricature levels. Or maybe I just REALLY HATE HIM.) (D: I’m going with c: all of the above.)

Ser Davos, our darling Onion Knight, rides around Stannis’s camp, which looks like a hot disaster. But, you know, cold. They’re losing horses and men to starvation, he tells Stannis and Melisandre. And they’re losing 500 men at a time to desertion, because sellswords be fickle like that. Davos doesn’t understand how they’re going to get to Winterfell, starving and losing men left and right, in the middle of a blizzard. Stannis drops a WINTER IS COMING (shots!) and says he’s not turning back, blizzards be damned. If he gives up now, or even delays, he’s lost. He can only go forward.

    Davos comes THIS CLOSE to rolling his eyes, but settles for glaring at Melisandre instead, because he’s too respectful to roll his eyes at his king. (M: Creepy Red Ladies are fair game, though.)

When Davos leaves the tent, Stannis reminds Melisandre that he’s been trusting her prophecies for years. She wants him to trust what he’s seen in the flames – victory in the snow. He asks if Melisandre trusts herself; she replies that she trusts the Lord of Light. She has seen herself at Winterfell, and the Boltons’ banners falling. Stannis leans in to kiss her, but she says sometimes sacrifices have to be made. She reminds him of the power of a king’s blood – “the usurper Robb Stark, the usurper Joffrey Baratheon,” – but she doesn’t mention Balon Greyjoy (Theon’s dad, and the third man Melisandre named when she used Gendry’s blood leeches to work her magic), so I still have no idea if he’s alive or dead. Although when Sansa was listing Theon’s titles, she called him Lord of the Iron Islands, and he’d only be Lord if his father was dead, so…. who the fuck knows.

Anyway, re: king’s blood, Stannis says Robert’s bastard isn’t here, because Gendry is #stillrowing.

Mari: I’m actually dying. Best ever. And I think we all needed that laugh before this scene continues.

Diva: Melisandre says they have someone better – someone who has Stannis’s blood in her veins. Stannis refuses, insisting there must be another way, but Melisandre is all, nope, please let me murder your daughter so that you can “become King before the Long Night begins.” Isn’t he already king, though? At least amongst his followers? Isn’t that why his daughter’s blood is powerful – because his blood, the blood of a king, runs through her? I call bullshit on your logic, Melisandre. (M: I CALL BS ON EVERYTHING. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING.) Anyway, Stannis pulls away from her and orders her to leave his tent while he broods over the potential murder of his only child. YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU DON’T DO.

The Wall. Gilly is washing some clothes when two brothers of the Watch walk in and say some supremely sexist shit. They start demanding kisses and touching her, and Sam walks in and tells his brothers to get their hands off her and go back to guard duty. He tells Gilly to go back to her room and lock the door. One of the guys knocks her down, and Sam goes at him with his sword. Not successfully, but, you know. He tried. The brothers beat the shit out of Sam as Gilly screams at them to leave him alone and cries over his bloody, battered face. Once Sam is down, they go back to trying to rape Gilly, but Sam stands up and gets a terrifying look on his face. He’s killed a White Walker, and a Thenn, and these stupid little boys don’t scare him. And who appears at this moment to save the day but GHOST, who gives a growl and sends the boys scampering away. Sam insists he’s fine, just a little woozy, and then passes out in Gilly’s arms.

Mari: I’m really happy Ghost saved them and supremely pissed that Ghost is here and NOT WITH JON SNOW.

Diva: TRUTH. I am always angry when people who have direwolves don’t keep them nearby.

Gilly treats Sam’s wounds, and tells him that he has to stay out of it the next time something like this happens. They would’ve killed him if not for Ghost. She tells him he’s not a fighter, but he says that a real man wouldn’t run away if someone was hurting her. She asks him to promise that he’ll take care of baby Sam if something happens. He promises, and promises to take care of her, too. She gets up for more water, but he grabs her arm and asks her to stay. She sits back down on his bed, then kisses him. He looks stunned, and she gives a little smile. She climbs on top of him and goes in for a longer kiss, and Sam winces in pain. He pretends she’s not hurting him because he’s TOTALLY PSYCHED THAT THIS IS HAPPENING, understandably so. Then they start having sex, and Sam’s sex noises involve saying, “Oh, my.” Which is actually kind of perfect.

Brief feminist rant time: I so badly wish the show had not made Sam and Gilly’s sex scene a response to her being sexually assaulted. In the books, they have sex in a life-affirming moment while they’re mourning Maester Aemon’s death. It’s beautiful, and powerful, and sad, and joyous, and a million other emotions, but they’re coming together because they both loved this sweet and wonderful old man who is now gone, and they know that they need to find whatever bit of happiness they can. Aemon died in this episode, so it would have been easy to recreate that scene from the books, but instead, they added in a new attempted rape scene JUST BECAUSE, and made Gilly and Sam’s sex about that.

Mari: They obviously foreshadowed that with people he loves gone, Sam was in a vulnerable position. I HATE that what they meant and what they ended up doing was putting “his woman” in a vulnerable position aka another attempted rape. Any one of these instances in isolation is one thing, but I’m up to my limit with GoT and this specific plot device. “Over it” is right. 

Diva: Somewhere in Essos, Tyrion and Jorah do their Jean Val Jean thing on a chain gang, and a man offers them up for sale to a crowd. The seller talks up Jorah’s strength and battle prowess to up the price, and makes up plenty of shit, like that Jorah killed Khal Drogo in single combat, LOLFOREVER. Some bored masters half-heatedly bid and Jorah looks so fucking defeated. He’s ultimately sold, and as his new master starts to walk him away, Tyrion runs forward and insists that the master has to buy Tyrion as well, since they’re a package deal. Tyrion insists he too is a great fighter, and the crowd just laughs. Tyrion uses his chains to pull down the man handling him, and then starts beating the shit out of the dude with said chains.

  The guy running the slave auction is impressed, as is Jorah’s new master, who buys Tyrion as well. Tyrion starts babbling about how slavery is illegal in Meereen, and sending them to the fighting pits as freed men who were paid wages might be a better idea, but the master is so not having that shit.

Dany and Daario are in bed together. She insists her fiance Hizdahr knows their marriage is just political. Daario thinks the Sons of the Harpy have stopped killing because their leader – Hizdahr – is about to become king. Dany’s like, haha, u jealus bro?

Dany has no choice but to marry Hizdahr to get the people of Meereen on her side, but Daario believes everyone has choices. He says Dany should marry him instead, since she’s queen and therefore can do what she likes. Actually, being queen is a lot more complex than that, but Daario thinks that if she can’t marry him, she must be the only person in Meereen who isn’t free. He gives her some advice – when she opens the fighting pits, gather as many masters as she can, and slaughter them all. She insists she’s no butcher, but Daario is all, uh, then you gonna be meat, gurl. Daario, you’re sexy as all hell, but I am not sure that you give great counsel.

Mari: Not at all. You keep fighting well and looking pretty. Leave the counsel to Jora… wait, no. Leave it to Barris… no, hold on. Crap. 

Diva: I’M STILL SERIOUSLY NOT OVER SER BARRISTAN’S DEATH, YOU GUYS. I just needed to get that out. Sigh.

King’s Landing. Lady Olenna, better known as Grandma Flowerboss, enters the Sept of Baelor and asks for the High Sparrow. They trade sassy remarks back and forth about why the other isn’t kneeling, then bond over being old people with bad knees and hips that prevent them from kneeling easily. This is a weirdly adorable moment. Anyway, Grandma Flowerboss is not buying any of his populist bullshit, since he’s doing Cersei’s dirty work. She wants her goddamn grandchildren released, but the Sparrow is all, nope, they be liars and lawbreakers and such. Grandma Flowerboss tries to buy him off, but the Sparrow insists he has no hidden motive. He serves the gods. End of story. She says half the people in this city break the Seven’s laws, so why is it only Loras and Margaery who are in trouble? The High Sparrow agrees that the laws should be enforced equally. Grandma thinks it’ll be very equal once she stops Highgarden from sending food to King’s Landing, and everyone is starving to death. Equally. He says that her wealth and power are blinding her – the rich are the few, and the poor are the many, and they’re mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.

Lady Olenna marches back down the steps of the Sept and is handed a scroll with a mockingbird seal. It’s from Katniss! (M: YES! BRING THE FIRE KATNISS.) No, wait, that’s a mockingjay. It’s from Littlefinger. I’m less excited now. (M: Womp.)

Elsewhere in King’s Landing, Cersei tells Tommen that starving himself won’t set Margaery free. He literally stands up to his mother, screaming that he is the freaking king and STILL can’t do anything about his wife being locked up. She says he can’t blame himself for fate. She watched her husband, her son, and her father die, and all she could do was kiss their foreheads as they departed. (Except Robert, because she hated that dude, and also murdered him, but she neglects to mention that.)

Tommen wants his army to storm the Sept and murder everyone until he can set Margaery free. He wants to start a war, but Cersei reminds him who the first to die in that war would be. Tommen says that he loves his wife, and Cersei actually looks like she might cry for just a second. Almost like a human! She collects herself and kneels beside her son, insisting that they must be strong. She offers to talk to the High Sparrow on his behalf, and promises to help rescue Margaery and Loras because all that matters to her is Tommen’s happiness. “I would do anything for you… I would burn cities to the ground.” For him and for his sister. She holds her son close and a tear falls down her cheek.

Dorne’s fanciest prison cell. Areo Hotah (the Dornish Prince’s guard – he’s a POV character in the books, so that’s the only reason I know his name) brings Myrcella in to see her uncle-father Jaime. They exchange awkward vaguely-pleasantries about the last time they saw each other.

He wants to take her home, but she says this is her home now. She did her duty by coming here, and she’s been here for years, and she loves Trystane and wants to marry him and stay in Dorne. Jaime doesn’t understand and she’s like, uh, no shit, because you don’t actually know anything about me. She storms off in her gorgeous pink gown.

Mari: Which, gorgeous gowns MIGHT be one of the reasons she wants to stay in Dorne. 

Diva: A great reason to stay anywhere (said the fashion blogger).

Dorne’s least fancy prison cell. Bronn is singing “The Dornishman’s Wife” in his insanely beautiful tenor. The song is about being murdered by a Dornishman, but it’s all good because at least he got to fuck the guy’s wife before dying. Basically, it’s not the kind of thing you’d sing to Dornish women unless you want to piss them off, even if your voice is as gorgeous as Bronn’s. Two of the Sand Snakes are ignoring him, but the Sexually Promiscuous Sand Snake (Nymeria? maybe?) applauds. He says it’s against his code to fight a woman, and Obara (the bamf spear-wielding one) snarks that it’s amazing how many men they’ve beaten who seem to have this code.

Bronn isn’t in a rush to leave Dorne, since the women are bangin’, and Sexually Promiscuous Sand Snake is like, thanks! He says he wasn’t speaking specifically about her, so she gets up and starts flirting hard. Her sisters roll their eyes so much, it’s kind of flawless. SPSS starts stripping, she and Bronn flirt through the cell bars, and the male gaze of the camera lingers on her tits so long, and so many times, it’s almost like they’re trying to get us to write think-pieces about it. (M: A+. “What Could These Breast Mean” by The Snark Squad.) Finally, Bronn’s vision starts to blur and he pants, falling back and bleeding from the nose. She tells him the dagger she stabbed him with is a slow-acting but super-deadly poison. Contrivantly, she’s got the only antidote on her, but makes him say she’s the most beautiful woman in the world before she gives it to him. This scene is fucking useless, and the other two Sand Snakes clearly agree with me. Because boner-activated poisons are just plain weird, even for this show.

Littlefinger’s brothel, which is still a mess after the Sparrows came and destroyed the place. Littlefinger and Grandma Flowerboss have a clandestine meeting to discuss the future of House Tyrell. She’s not buying his bullshit, though – if her house falls, she’ll happily spill the beans that Littlefinger helped murder Joffrey. She asks why Cersei summoned him to King’s Landing. He gave her the information she wanted, but has more secrets that Cersei doesn’t know. He has a gift for Grandma, though. (A gift, not the gift, so sorry, Petyr, you don’t get the “you said the title!” award.)

Backstage (or… back-pit?) at a mini-version of the fighting pits, Tyrion and Jorah and their fellow slaves prepare for battle. If they win here, they will battle at the big deal fighting pits, in front of the Queen. But we see Dany and Hizdahr making their way into the arena – he says it’s customary for the city’s rulers to make the rounds of the lesser fighting pits. If that’s so, then I don’t know why the overseer is so shocked to see the queen there, but whatever.

Mari: It’s actually kind of funny to think that Hizdahr is yanking Dany’s chain. “Threaten me with dragon fire…” 

Diva: He kneels before the queen and her soon-to-be king. From backstage, Jorah hears the men chanting about the queen, and watches her watch the fighters. Dany looks extremely uncomfortable and glances away every time a blow is struck. Honestly, I don’t know that I buy these reactions from our dragon queen – there was equally brutal fighting at her wedding to Khal Drogo, and she managed to not flinch much then, even though she was fourteen, being sold to a stranger, and watching randos unexpectedly murder each other. AT A WEDDING. Before we knew that weddings = murder. She’s also seen a whole lot of deep dark shit that has hardened her heart since then – I truly don’t believe she’d be incapable of staying still and watching a fight no matter how politically opposed to the fighting pits she is. And even if she’s fully disgusted, she’s smart enough to know a queen needs to be a way better actor than that. Dany tries to leave, but Hizdahr tells her it’s tradition to stay until there’s a winner.

Jorah struts onto the field even though it’s not his turn yet, and starts cutting motherfuckers down, left and right.

Dany immediately recognizes him and stands, watching his every move. Also, she’s wearing this totally glam white gown that I think Gwyneth Paltrow once wore to the Oscars.

I’m skeptical of the decision to wear white after Labor Day to a blood-splattery event, but you do you, Khaleesi. (M: She’s got that magic that keeps her dirt free and perpetually dry-cleaned. I’d wear white everywhere if I had that magic.) (S: SAME. I spill too much coffee to ever wear white.)

Anyway, Tyrion tears his chains off the wall and tries to cut through them with a knife. Some giant jailor dude inexplicably helps free him – am I missing something here? why is this happening? – and Ser Jorah emerges as the victor and approaches his queen. She’s all, GTFO, but Jorah says he has a gift for him (no awards for you, Jorah). Tyrion steps forward and says it’s true.

THE gift, bitches! Mazel tov, Tyrion!

Also, this meeting of two really important characters finally happened and that’s cool too I guess. (M: Very cool, but less shiny than our title star. Look at it sparkle.) (D: TBH, I really do love that it sparkles.)

King’s Landing dungeons. Cersei comes to pay a visit to her dear daughter-in-law. She plays the kind and gracious queen, and brought Margaery some leftovers. She assures Margaery that they’ve done everything to free her and her brother, but Margaery is no fool. She knows Cersei is behind all of this, and knows that kindness and decency don’t come naturally to Cersei, which is probably why Tommen chose his wife over his mother. Cersei says she’ll come back when Margaery has calmed down, but Marg is like, nope, coming back is totes not necessary. Finally Margaery snaps and says what all of us are thinking:

 Cersei wisely takes that as her cue to exit, and wears an extraordinarily self-satisfied smirk as she departs. My knowing-the-future-heart starts pounding when Cersei meets with the High Sparrow and asks what will happen to Margaery now. The Sparrow says there will be a trial, with seven septons as the judges (including him). If they confess before trial, they’ll be shown mercy of some sort, depending on their crimes. Cersei thanks him for bringing them the justice they deserve.

The High Sparrow tells Cersei that this altar is one of the oldest structures in King’s Landing, and men prayed here long before they prayed at Baelor’s Sept. (I kinda thought they were already in Baelor’s Sept, but I guess I know nothing, Jon Snow.) (M: They are in Baelor’s Sept. The story’s point is that Baelor built the sept around this altar that was already here.) (D: Thank you. I was confused.) No one knows who built the altar or the chapel it’s in, because they weren’t vain and didn’t leave their name all over it like Baelor did once he built his rich bitch gilded sept. The High Sparrow loves the altar’s simplicity and truth. He tells Cersei that the Tyrells’ lies will be revealed to all, and the same is true for all of them, highborn and lowborn. He gives her a knowing glance and asks what they’ll find when Cersei’s finery is stripped away. Cersei stares at him with a frozen smile on her face, but there’s panic just underneath the surface.

The High Sparrow explains that a young man came to them, who had so many secrets and lies, but he slowly unburdened himself, and now his spirit is light as air. Cersei gives a vague little head-shake and a “hmmm” as the High Sparrow’s eyes turn greedy and cold. “And he has much to say about you,” he concludes. The door opens, and out of the darkness comes Lancel Lannister, of “I made sure King Robert drank enough wine to have a boar murder him, and then had sex with Queen Cersei, but now I’m a skinhead” fame.

Mari: I was just thinking about the cousin sex part of it and totally forgot he was in on the king murder. HOLY CRAP.

Diva: Remembering cousin sex and forgetting regicide: only on Game of Thrones.

Now the lump in Cersei’s throat is visible as she turns to walk away. (M: This. acting.) Her path is barred by a septa, who will not listen to the queen’s commands. They drag Cersei away as she screams, and the High Sparrow has a look of cold satisfaction on his face. There’s something Tywin Lannister-y about that unreadable expression. Cersei is thrown into a cell by a septa, and threatens to have her killed. But her demands cannot save her, and the septa bars Cersei’s cell door behind her.

Well, Cersei, you’ve made your bed – or your filthy dungeon floor, as the case may be. Now it’s time to lay in it.

Next time on Game of Thrones: Get ready for some long and epic battles – like, even more than usual – in S05 E08 – Hardhome.