Previously: Martha saved the effing day by being a badass, then bailed because she realised the Doctor would never love her.
—
Voyage of the Damned
Kirsti: We start where we left off – with the Titanic crashing into the TARDIS. After his “What?“s, the Doctor fiddles with something on the console panel, and the TARDIS is pulled off the ship. The hole in the side magically fixes itself, and the TARDIS vworp vworps onto the Titanic. The Doctor dusts himself off and heads off to explore. It’s all very Downton Abbey, with a piped orchestral version of Jingle Bells. There are also creepy animatronic angels standing around. Because, you know, we haven’t had enough angel related trauma already on this show. (M: I just want to blink freely.)
The Doctor looks confused when he spots a short spiky red alien wandering around, then looks out the window. “Riiiiight,” he says. A polite voice informs the passengers that they’re in orbit around Earth. “Welcome to Christmas,” it finishes. The camera pans back to show us that the Titanic is a spaceship, albeit one that’s shaped like a steamer. That…doesn’t seem aerodynamic, but neither does a police box.
DOO WEE OOO!
After the credits, we’re on the bridge. The captain informs his crew that Christmas is a time for celebration and they’re all going to get a tot of rum. They all look pleased, except RUSSELL TOVEY OH MY GOD I’D FORGOTTEN HE WAS IN THIS, who looks worried. (M: This is the second Being Human alum. You got just as excited for the last one.) (K: And we’ve still got Sinead Keenan to go!) The crew leave, but Russell Tovey stays behind. He tells the captain that regulations state there must be two crew on the bridge at all times. The captain nods his permission to stay, and says it should be a quiet trip because Earth doesn’t even know they’re there. He calls it “a silent night“, and there’s something creepy about it.
Cut to a bizarre advert for Max Capricorn Cruise Liners, featuring a guy who gives off used car salesman vibes gushing about his own product. For some inexplicable reason, he reminds me of Gary Oldman’s character in The Fifth Element. Advert over, we’re treated to the Doctor wearing a tux. And Converse, because obviously. He heads into a Christmas party and looks around happily. The creepy angels are everywhere, as is Kylie Minogue. I think the last time her hair was this curly was when she played Charlene. (Please marvel at those mullets. And yes, the best man is Guy Pearce. Welcome to the world of Australian soap operas.)(M: I only got like 15 seconds into that video before the 80s music became too much.) (K: Legit.)
The Doctor wanders up to a creepy angel, which turns out to provide information to passengers. This allows the Doctor to ask where they’re from (irrelevant), what the deal is with the cruise (to experience primitive cultures) and why the ship’s called Titanic (it’s Earth’s most famous ship, and Max Capricorn comes up with all the names). Mid-sentence, the creepy angel has a little meltdown and starts twitching and repeating itself. The Doctor goes to pull out his sonic screwdriver, but a crew member rushes over and apologetically has the angel removed.
Down in maintenance, the crew member complains that eight angels have now malfunctioned. The tech says he can’t find anything wrong. Crew Member tells him to throw them overboard if they can’t be repaired. He leaves, and a creepy angel watches him go.
Back upstairs, Kylie’s collided with a douchey rich guy and dropped her tray of drinks. He yells at her for ruining his jacket, and storms off. The Doctor heads over to help her pick up the broken glass, and introduces himself. She says her name is Astrid, but I kind of want to keep calling her Kylie… (M: Fair.) They exchange small talk, and the Doctor sad pandas a little about being alone again. Astrid says she wanted to travel the universe, but instead she ended up waiting tables with zero shore leave. Girl. Quit. That job sounds fucking terrible.
The Doctor says he travels alone all the time, and reveals that he’s a stowaway. Astrid smirks that she should report him, but it’s David Tennant in a tuxedo so obviously she won’t. (M: I mean, he can report to my bedroom HEY-O.) (M: Sorry.) She heads off to get him a free drink and looks at him flirtily as she goes.
Across the room, some snooty rich people are laughing at an overweight woman in a bright purple fringed jacket. Her husband’s wearing a similar vest, but covered in stars. The Doctor sits down with them, and they reveal that the snooty rich people told them the event was fancy dress to fuck with them because they won their tickets rather than paying for them. Christmas isn’t Christmas without asshats, basically. Sometimes it’s your drunken uncle. Sometimes it’s a snooty rich person. (M: One time it was an asshole innkeeper who made you sleep in a manger. Terrible.) (K: A+)
The Doctor pulls out his sonic screwdriver under the table and aims it at the snooty rich people. A bottle of champagne pops and sprays all over them. Mr and Mrs Purple cackle delightedly. Just then, an announcement comes on stating that Red 6-7 shore leave tickets are now ready. The Purples pull out their tickets, and the Doctor decides to tag along for the hell of it.
Bridge. Something beeps repeatedly, and Russell Tovey says something was briefly diverting the power to deck 31. The captain pooh-poohs it. Russell says there’s a meteor shower off the starboard bow, and the captain gives zero fucks. Russell stares at it through his binoculars.
Meanwhile, the Doctor grabs Astrid and heads over to where Red 6-7 is meeting their tour leader, an older chap in a tweed suit and bow tie. The Doctor psychic papers them onto the tour. Old Giles (I can’t not) hands out teleport bracelets, then gives them a spiel about Earth: the country of UK is ruled over by Good King Wenceslas, and every Christmas we go to war with Turkey then eat them for Christmas dinner. The Doctor slowly raises an eyebrow. It may be David Tennant’s finest work to date. Sadly, every gif set I’ve found cuts off pre-eyebrow.
The Doctor grins and drags her off to look at some shops. But first, they stop at a newspaper stall and I squee a little because the paper guy is Bernard Cribbins! I’d forgotten about this, and now I have all the spoilery feels… The Doctor asks where everyone is, and Wilf (IMDB says he was called Wilfred Mott in this episode, so I’m using it) is all “Um, LONDON IS DANGEROUS AT CHRISTMAS BECAUSE OF ALIENS. DUH.” Everyone’s demobbed to the country, he says, except him and the Queen. He salutes his TV as it shows an image of Buckingham Palace.
Marines: I really love that Christmas is to Doctor Who what birthdays are to Buffy. The Doctor should learn to hide around this time.
K: He really should. And yet.
The Doctor reassures him that there’s nothing going to happen this Christmas, then gets teleported out in the middle of his sentence. Wilf looks shocked. Back on the Titanic, Red 6-7 are informed that the ship’s experienced a power fluctuation but that they’ll get free drinks to make up for it. Everyone rushes off to the bar except the Doctor, who wants more details.
Bridge. Russell Tovey is still staring at the meteors through his binoculars. Said meteors suddenly turn towards the ship, and he’s all “Uhhhhhhhh…” and tries to put the shields up. The captain shuts him down and turns the ship to face them. Russell Tovey realises the ship’s magnetic hull is drawing the meteors towards them, and asks if it’s deliberate, to put on a light show for the guests. The captain gives him crazy eyes and says “Something like that.”
Ballroom. The Doctor and Astrid make flirty eyes at each other. Ugh. Then the Doctor wanders over to a screen playing Max Capricorn adverts and sonics it open. He plays around inside, and discovers that the shields are down and meteors are approaching. He hails the bridge and the captain basically tells him to fuck off. A couple of crew members grab the Doctor and escort him away.
On the bridge, Russell Tovey’s all “He’s right though, we should fix the shields!”. The captain pulls a gun on him. Ballroom. The Doctor makes a run for it and leaps up on the stage. He grabs the microphone from the singer and yells that it’s an emergency and everyone needs to get to the lifeboats. A creepy angel slaps a hand over his mouth. Bridge. Russell Tovey – in that tearful way that Russell Tovey does brilliantly – says “I’m sorry, sir. It’s my duty!“. He reaches for the controls, and the captain shoots him.
The Doctor is dragged away by crew members, and yells “LOOK OUT THE WINDOWS!” as he goes. Astrid, the Purples, Old Giles, and Spiky Red Alien look concerned and rush after him. Douchey Rich Guy heads over to the window just in time to see a golf ball sized meteor smash through. A voice announces that the oxygen membrane is holding. DRG asks a creepy angel if anyone’s checked the shields, and it replies “Information: you are all going to die“. He looks horrified.
Mari: I guess at this point it doesn’t really matter, but someone should teach these angels to lie.
K: Probably.
Bridge. The captain takes control of the bridge. From the floor, bleeding from a gut wound, Russell Tovey gasps that the captain’s killed them all. He says he’s already dying, and they offered him a shit ton of money to do this. Money that would keep his family in comfort. Below decks somewhere, the crew are still dragging the Doctor around, followed by a cast of concerned guests. DRG joins them, and demands to know why the shields are down.
Ballroom. Some rich people in Edwardian era outfits clink glasses as they happily watch the flaming meteors heading towards the ship, because apparently they’re morons? Whatever. The meteors hit. Everyone’s thrown all over the place. Eventually, the explosions stop and everyone picks themselves up, groaning over their injuries. In the maintenance hanger, the broken creepy angels line up.
The Doctor hushes everyone and announces that the ship has stopped. He helps Astrid up. “Bad name for a ship. Either that or this suit is REALLY unlucky…” he mutters. Okay, random question: do any of you have unlucky items of clothing? Because I have this really cute shirt dress, but every time I wear it, bad things happen. Like finding out that my contract isn’t getting renewed. Or having to deal with a nightmare coworker and ending up in tears in my boss’ office. Or getting yelled at for something that wasn’t my fault. And it’s a REALLY CUTE DRESS. But I’m terrified to wear it. Sigh.
Mari: This has never happened to me. I mean, there is always a good chance I’ll end up with food on whatever I’m wearing but that’s nobody’s fault but my own.
K: Anysegue.
The one not-dead crew member with them apologises on behalf of the company, and says he’s going to find out what’s going on. He heads to a door, and the Doctor yells at him not to open it. But it’s too late. He gets sucked out into space. The Doctor manages to get across the doorway to a control panel and sonic things better. After checking that everyone’s okay, he tells Astrid that he doesn’t think it was an accident. She stares in horror at the corpses floating through space.
The Doctor assures her that everything will be fine because he can get everyone to safety on the TARDIS. Obviously, that’s when the TARDIS floats past. The Doctor sad pandas and says that the TARDIS is programmed to head for the nearest centre of gravity if set adrift. Obviously, it heads straight to London because nowhere else on Earth exists for the TARDIS. Except occasionally Cardiff.
Down in maintenance, the creepy angels turn en masse. One of the maintenance guys yells for help because he’s trapped under a beam. But the creepy angels are all “LOL NOPE” because their purpose is now to kill. One removes its halo and flings it like freaking Xena Warrior Princess. Sorry, maintenance guy. Sucks to be you.
The Doctor tries hailing the bridge. Russell Tovey answers, and says the captain’s dead, killed in the collision. But it was all the captain’s fault. The Doctor asks about the engines, and Russell Tovey groans his way over to the control panel. The engines are shutting down, he says. The Doctor’s all “Well, shit” because apparently that means the Titanic will fall to Earth and its nuclear engines will explode, wiping out the planet.
Mari: This seems like poor ship design to me.
K: Ridiculously poor.
He tells Russell Tovey to do some totally implausible thing that he insists will give them some time. Everyone panics that they’re going to die. The Doctor gives them the plan: they’re going to climb through the ship to the bridge and save the Titanic. Douchey Rich Guy wants to know who put the Doctor in charge, and he snaps “I’m the Doctor. I’m a Time Lord. I’m from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous. I’m 903 years old, and I’m the man who’s going to save your lives and all 6 billion people on the planet below. You got a problem with that?” It’s kind of great. The zoomy cameraman gets involved and everything.
K: Agreed. He seems to do it more in Christmas specials than during the regular series, now that I think about it…
He leads the way into the wreckage, accompanied by the Brass Section of Heroic Deeds. They start making their way up a stairwell, and Old Giles says that it’s not surprising because Christmas is a festival of violence and you only survive depending on if you’ve been good or bad. The Doctor starts to defend Christmas, then realises his Christmases are always the actual worst.
As he clear wreckage from the stairwell, he uncovers a creepy angel. He says they can use it to clear the way because it’s as strong as ten people. But they need to get it working. The Purples, conveniently, do robot maintenance-y stuff at home. They get to work. The rest of them reach a blockage. Spiky Red Alien announces that he can fit, and starts to clamber through. The ship lurches and debris shifts when he’s part way through, but he makes it. Astrid announces that she can fit too, on account of being so damned teeny. She squeezes through.
Douchey Rich Guy asks how the Purples will ever fit through on account of being fat. The Doctor snaps that they’ll make the gap bigger and tells him to get to work. Mrs. Purple sad pandas and says it’s all her fault they’re there. Mr. Purple says they won the tickets fair and square. She reluctantly admits that she called the competition line 5,000 times and they’re in mega debt now. Mr. Purple finds this hilarious and the tinkly orchestra tinkles as they kiss.
Meanwhile, Astrid says she can clear the blockage from the other side. She gets to work as Spiky Red Alien reveals that he’s a cyborg and needs to recharge. She says that cyborgs have equal rights now, but he makes her promise not to tell anyone. Is… is this a coming out analogy? Because I’m not comfortable with that.
Mari: Having seen the rest of the episode, I’mma go ahead and say it’s not. I think it’s a plot convenience thing so why not? Random cyborg.
K: Phew.
Bridge. Russell Tovey gets a call from 6 kitchen staff. He finds them on a scanner and tells them to make their way to the bridge, but they can’t. The doors are sealed. Just then, the door opens. One of the staff says excitedly that it’s the creepy angels, and there’s much rejoicing. You know, until they take off their halos and get their murder on. Russell Tovey yells at the kitchen staff to report, but they’re too busy screaming and dying. Womp.
The Purples yell that the creepy angel is nearly fixed. Russell Tovey contacts the Doctor and says that people are dying all over the ship. And it’s something to do with the creepy angels. Obviously, as he says that, the Purples fix the creepy angel and it starts chanting “Kill!” while strangling Mr Purple. The Doctor rushes down the stairs and sonics Mr Purple free. But he can’t stop the creepy angel. They run back up the stairs and start squeezing through the gap.
The Doctor yells through a control panel to Russell Tovey, who seals the bridge just in time. Mrs Purple manages to get through the gap, but the debris shifts again. Old Giles begs Douchey Rich Guy for help, but he’s all “LOL NOPE”. With the Doctor pushing like something out of Winnie the Pooh, Mr Purple gets through. The creepy angel closes in on the Doctor. He demands to know where its orders are coming from. “Information: Deck 31,” it replies. The Doctor thanks it, darts through the gap, and yells at Old Giles to release the debris. The creepy angel’s head is smashed apart.
Mari: It’s real violent looking considering it’s a robotic angel.
K: Truth.
On the other side, the Doctor hails the bridge again. Russell Tovey informs him that he had to seal the bridge and the door can’t be opened again. He’s blocked off. The Doctor has zero time for this problem on account of murdery creepy angels. He asks what’s on deck 31, and is told it’s just storage for the creepy angels. He looks at the schematics, and there’s a weird black thing that registers as nothing on the scans. Russell Tovey says he’ll try and boost the scans to work out what it is.
Astrid rushes over with a plate of food because 903 year olds need to keep up their strength. She tells him he looks good for his age. In a terrible piece of terribleness, he quips “You should see me in the mornings!” and she replies “Okay.” (M: I giggled. Astrid has no chill.) The tinkly orchestra tinkles as they awkwardly look away. Old Giles rushes up to say that it’s after midnight on Earth, and they exchange Christmas salutations.
Astrid asks what the deal is with Christmas, and the Doctor says it’s a long story. And he should know because he was there. I’m suddenly reminded of Buffy. (I was actually looking for Spike’s spiel about the crucifixion a few lines earlier, but apparently no one bothers giffing that. SIGH.)
Old Giles suggests that they signal to Earth and have them send up a rocket. The Doctor’s all “LOL WHUT” and Old Giles reluctantly admits that he basically got his degree on Earthology from a cereal box and lied on his job application. He hopes like hell they don’t get caught in an investigation because he’ll be charged with fraud and sent to space prison for 10 years.
They’re interrupted by the Creepy Angels banging on the door, and the running resumes. The Doctor sonics them through a door and they find themselves with no alternative but to cross a hella rickety beam over the engine. Mr. Purple says that it will never hold his weight. Then he leans against a rickety hand rail, and it breaks causing him to plummet to his death. Douchey Rich Guy gets all “I told you so” and Mrs. Purple screams at the Doctor to bring her husband back. The Doctor does his “I’m so sorry” routine.
Old Giles suggests that they hurry up the fuck up because the creepy angels are coming. Douchey Rich Guy dashes across the beam first and the Doctor yells at him to go slowly. DRG trips, but makes it across. Spiky Red Alien goes next. The Creepy Angels start banging on the door. The Doctor pushes Astrid and Old Giles onto the beam. He tells Mrs. Purple she has to go too, but she cries that there’s no point.
Douchey Rich Guy yells that the door on his side is locked. The Doctor yells that he can’t leave Mrs. Purple. Then he looks at the others and clambers onto the beam, after promising he’ll come back for her. With four people on the beam, it starts to shift. Just then, the Creepy Angels stop banging on the door. Everyone’s all “Phew!” but the Doctor’s all “Yeah, no.”
Old Giles looks up and points out that they all forgot the key part of Christmas: angels have wings. The Creepy Angels descend from above, and pull off their halos. “Arm yourselves!” the Doctor yells. Everyone grabs a metal pipe, and the whole thing turns into a giant game of Halo Cricket?? IDK, you guys. It’s really effing weird. The halos start winging people, and Astrid cries that she can’t do it. Spiky Red Alien is all “FUCK THIS”. He rips open his shirt and a blast of blue light flies out of his chest and knocks all the Creepy Angels out.
The Doctor’s thrilled, but it used all of Spiky Red Alien’s power and he dies. Womp. Old Giles pulls the electromagnetic pulse doohickey from Spiky Red Alien’s chest and says they can recharge it and use it as a weapon against the rest of the Creepy Angels. But one of the Creepy Angels didn’t get completely fried. It grabs its halo and starts towards the Doctor.
He starts yelling random numbers, hoping that there’s a security protocol to stop it. Conveniently, there is. He starts asking questions, and discovers that they want to destroy the Earth so there are no witnesses and because it’s part of the plan. Then he’s informed that the security protocol only grants him three questions, so now it’s death o’clock. Mrs. Purple lassos the Creepy Angel, then jumps off the beam, dragging the Creepy Angel with her to a miserable death. Everyone watches her fall in horror.
Mari: It all happens so quickly, no one even has time to question the lasso. RIP Purples.
K: The best of all the one-off characters in this episode.
“No more,” the Doctor says grimly. He rushes everyone off the beam and starts issuing orders. Astrid’s all “Okay, why are you talking like you’re not coming?” and he says he’s going to floor 31 to find out what the hell is going on. He wibbles about being a traveller, and she points out that she’s unemployed now and maybe if they both make it out alive, she could travel with him. He thinks that’s a great plan.
Obviously, the ship lurches. The Doctor calls Russell Tovey and asks what the hell is going on. He says the engines are for real dying now and there’s nothing he can do. They’ve got 8 minutes before they crash to Earth. The Doctor insists that he’ll get there in the next 8 minutes. He tells everyone to look after each other and goes to rush off. Astrid stops him, stands on a box (because Kylie’s a tiny person) and kisses him. Uuuuuuuuuugh. We just got rid of a moon-y companion. Did you have to give us another one in the Christmas special?! Whatever.
K: Honestly, I think my biggest problem is that they’re trying to make Astrid out to be some sweet young thing when Kylie Minogue was 41 when they filmed this, so a lot of her fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants-20-something decisions fall a little flat for me…
The Doctor grins and rushes off across the beam. The others start making their way through the ship. Douchey Rich Guy sonics them through doors, Astrid stops the Creepy Angels with the EMP doohickey, Old Giles flails excitedly. Meanwhile, the Doctor has been cornered by Creepy Angels. He invokes Security Protocol 1 again and cocks up asking his three questions, but eventually gets them to admit that he can’t be killed as he’s not staff or a passenger, and therefore must be taken to the nearest authority figure. Who’s on deck 31. “Take me to your leader. I’ve always wanted to say that!” the Doctor grins.
Astrid and the others reach the main cabin. She stops a bunch more Creepy Angels, then tells Old Giles and Douchey Rich Guy to secure things while she sends out an SOS. But the computer’s broken. She spots the teleport bracelets from earlier and looks thoughtful, then hails the bridge. She asks Russell Tovey if he can direct any power to the teleport bracelets. He’s all “LOL NOPE”. She says it’s for the Doctor, who’s gone to deck 31 alone to try and save them all. He reluctantly powers up one of the bracelets. Astrid vanishes.
Deck 31. The Doctor sasses until the Creepy Angels roll out their boss from some kind of indestructible stasis chamber. And they literally do roll him out. It’s Max Capricorn, head of the cruise line. And he’s just a head, hooked up to all kinds of robotic gizmos. Okay, but why do the show runners keep giving us part-robot wheelchair-bound villains? Between Davros and The Guy Who Invented Cybermen In Pete’s World and Max Capricorn, it’s getting out of hand…
Anyway, Max asks who the fuck the Doctor is, and the Creepy Angels say he’s a stowaway. Max orders them to kill him, but the Doctor’s all “Waaaaaaaaaait, let me pun about the fact that you’re just a head first”. Max says he’s been running the company for 176 years, and it starts to take its toll. And because everyone’s all “EW, CYBORGS”, he’s had to hide out for, like, ever.
Max asks the Creepy Angels why they haven’t crashed yet. Then he answers his own question by saying that the engines are still running. Astrid appears in the background and hides. The Doctor wants to know why Max is involving Earth in this whole debacle, and postulates that the business has failed. Max confirms it, saying that the board voted him out. And if the ship wipes out the Earth, the whole board will be jailed for mass murder. Meanwhile, he’ll hang out in his indestructible stasis chamber as the ship crashes, then retire to a beach planet.
The Doctor is outraged, and says this whole thing is because Max Capricorn is a loser who can’t even crash the Titanic. Max is all “I CAN TOO!” and says he can shut off the engines himself. Klaxons sound on the bridge, and Russell Tovey looks terrified. Max orders the Creepy Angels to grab the Doctor, then consults the Big Book of Villain Gloating: “Let the Christmas inferno begin!”
He orders the Creepy Angels to kill the Doctor, but just then Astrid – now inexplicably behind the wheel of a forklift – announces her resignation, with excessive amounts of dramatic zoom.
Mari: I demand excessive amounts of dramatic zoom the next time I resign from anything. It probably won’t happen for me.
K: Me neither.
She floors it, and the forklift scoops up Max’s wheelchair contraption. A Creepy Angel flings its halo at Astrid, and somehow cuts the brakes instead. Everything goes into slow mo as Astrid and the Doctor exchange a feels-laden look about what could have been. Then she lifts Max’s contraption off the ground and drives off a ledge, falling to her death in the engines.
The Doctor rushes over and sadly watches her fall. An automated voice announces that the voyage of the Titanic has been terminated, and the ship starts falling to Earth. Russell Tovey grabs the wheel. Old Giles and Douchey Rich Guy scream. The Doctor walks badassedly through the explosions looking like he’s just lost Rose all over again. He holds out his arms, and clicks. Two Creepy Angels lift him into the air, carrying him to the bridge. The whole thing is very Dark Doctor, and rather reminiscent of The Master, without the manic tones that John Simm adds to the character.
Mari: What? It’s clearly because he’s got that suit on and doesn’t look back at explosions and stuff. Duh.
K: Of course.
Russell Tovey sad pandas that there’s nothing they can do. The Doctor asks him his first name, and flails excitedly when he’s informed that it’s Alonso. Because it means he can say “Allons-y, Alonso!“. He spins the wheel, and the Titanic spins, plummeting towards Earth. Russell Tovey screams as they plough through the atmosphere.
As they plummet, the computer announces what their impact zone will be. The Doctor stares at the screen in disgust, then picks up a phone and demands to be connected to Buckingham Palace. With that, we cut to a newsreader saying that London has finally escaped alien invasion on Christmas Day. The Doctor issues an emergency code, and we cut to “the Queen” rushing out of Buckingham Palace in her dressing gown and curlers, corgies and footmen in her wake. Wilf rushes out of his newspaper stall to shake a fist at the sky. (M: Reminds me of all the times Bella glared at clouds, or whatever.)
Back on the Titanic, the alarms announce engine ignition. The Doctor hauls back on the wheel, and the ship juuuuust clears the roof of Buck House. The Queen waves and wishes the Doctor a happy Christmas. The Doctor gets control of the ship and laughs gleefully. Old Giles and Douchey Rich Guy hug. Russell Tovey conveniently forgets that he’s bleeding to death and rings the bridge bell with a “WOOHOO!“. Max’s portrait falls to the floor and burns. The Titanic returns to space.
The Doctor and Russell Tovey sink sadly to the floor to discuss their implausible escape and how not everyone survived. Then the Doctor realises that Astrid was wearing a teleport bracelet. He runs to the main cabin and demands his sonic screwdriver back. He rushes to the teleport system and wibbles about how there’s a safety protocol wherein the system stores all a passenger’s molecules in the event of an emergency. Now they just need to bring her back.
He sonics the system, and a sparkly ghost-y version of Astrid appears and sadly says that she can’t stop falling. The Doctor sonics some more, and something shorts out in the teleport system. He can’t bring her back. Old Giles begs him to let her go, and the Doctor screams in frustration. Old Giles says Astrid’s just an echo of the real thing. “She’s stardust,” he says. The Doctor sad pandas, then somehow kisses Astrid’s ghost. He tells her she can travel forever, and sonics a window open. “You’re not falling, Astrid. You’re flying,” he says. Astrid’s molecules sparkle their way out the window and into space.
K: Worst crossover magic EVER.
Later, Russell Tovey comes in to say that the rescue ship is 20 minutes away. Old Giles gets sad because it means he’ll go to jail for fraud. The Doctor’s still moping about Astrid. Douchey Rich Guy thanks him tearfully, then says he sold all his shares in Capricorn just before the crash so now he’s rich. The Doctor looks disgusted. Old Giles says he knows the Doctor wouldn’t have picked DRG to live while others died, but if he got to pick who lived and who died, it would make him a monster.
That snaps the Doctor out of his funk. He grabs a couple of teleport bracelets and hands one to Old Giles. Russell Tovey looks disapproving for a second, then salutes. The Doctor grins, and they vanish. Cut to the Doctor and Old Giles walking up to the TARDIS and the Doctor giving Old Giles a crash course on the realities of Earth. There’s some discussion of the snow not being real – a nice nod to the fact that they usually film the Christmas episode in, like, July, and Old Giles wonders how he’ll live on Earth.
The Doctor asks about the credit card he mentioned on their shore leave, and Old Giles dithers that it’s all done by computer and he didn’t really understand the currency, so he put a million pounds on it. The Doctor’s all “DUDE, YOU’RE RICH!”, and Old Giles laughs delightedly. He promises to make the Doctor proud, and heads off into the night flailing about how he can have a real house now.
The Doctor asks where Old Giles is going, and he says he has no idea. The Doctor nods and says he doesn’t know where he’s going either. He goes to step into the TARDIS, and Old Giles calls out that he won’t forget Astrid. The Doctor nods sadly, then looks up into the sky to see a stream of blue sparkles floating about. He smiles and vworp vworps away. Fade to black.
You guys, the Christmas specials are NOT traditionally good episodes of Doctor Who. They’re also a nightmare to recap because they’re so freaking long and rarely feature characters we’ve seen before. And this one is no exception. It’s fun enough when you view it straight through. But it’s taken me the better part of two weeks to write this post, and I ran out of fucks to give about this episode at about the time Mr. Purple died. It’s a pretty average episode, and a pretty average Christmas special. Although it DID give us Wilf, for which I am eternally grateful.
Mari: I liked it, though I’ll probably agree that there was no reason for this to be so damn long. The could’ve cut out plenty and still had a nice, full episode. Alas.
Overall, the episode balances itself out with good and bad. The Doctor announcing his age and title? I like it. The Doctor hitching a ride on robot angels? UGH, what? WHY? Lather, rinse, repeat.
K: Onwards (finally) to season 4.
Next time on Doctor Who: An old friend returns in S04 E01 – Partners in Crime.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
