Previously: We cheer for Valyrian steel and for Karsi in the epic ice zombie battle at Hardhome.
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The Dance of Dragons
Democracy Diva: It’s snowing furiously over a camp. Zoom in on Melisandre, who looks a lot more frightened than her usual DGAF demon-birthing self. Suddenly tents start bursting into flames, many different ones at once. The camp explodes into chaos, and there’s a screaming horse on fire, just in case you weren’t absolutely sure you were watching Game of Thrones.
Marines: It’s too cold for boobs, I guess, so dying horse it is.
Diva: The next morning, our beloved Onion Knight Ser Davos explains to Stannis that 20 men infiltrated the camp and basically ruined everything. (20 men presumably sent by Ramsay, based on what he said in the last episode.) (M: And based on the fact that we should blame all horrible things on Ramsay.) (D: I myself am fairly certain that ISIS was started by Ramsay Bolton.) Weapons, food, horses, everything is destroyed. Stannis gives orders to get the truth out of last night’s guards and then hang them for being really shitty at their jobs. Davos explains that their army is now stuck in the snow – they can’t move forward to battle, and Stannis insists they’re not marching back to Castle Black. Davos is all, uh, then, what’s your plan, dude? But then he sees Melisandre (and Selyse, Stannis’s wife who I sometimes forget exists, but that’s okay because Stannis does too), and is all, oh, I guess magic dementor babies are the plan. Great. Wonderful.
Elsewhere in the fucking cold, Jon Snow, Ginger Not!Mance, Probably Edd, and a Giant lead a ragged band of survivors back to the Wall. It’s not nearly as many as were at Hardhome, but a few hundred people at least, probably more than are left on the Wall. We see Ser Alliser Thorne pausing dramatically before ordering the Night’s Watch to open the gates to Jon and the Wildlings.
Jon feels like a failure, because like us, he is really bummed about Karsi’s death. But Sam points out each of the survivors walking by and tells his friend, they’re alive because of you, and only you. Jon’s response is like, yup, and you can bet my wildling-hating brothers aren’t about to forget that. Also, everyone is side-eying the shit out of that giant. Show some respect, people. He’s REALLY GOOD at killing White Walkers.
Mari: I like that he takes a big, deep sigh. Like “I killed a bunch of white walkers and walked across the sea to be side-eyed?” I know, friend. It sucks.
Diva: I didn’t even think about the fact that he is totes too big for those little rowboats and therefore made the journey on foot. Now I’m even more mad about the side-eyeing!
Anyway, Jon spies Olly and gives him a smile, but Olly kind of scampers away and Jon’s face falls slightly. Ser Alliser approaches to make this helpful comment:
Mari: And everyone seems to be missing the point that it’s the White Walkers that are trying to kill them…
Diva: Stannis is in his tent, playing with his toys map. Does Stannis employ someone just to make dramatic extra-large chess pieces for every House in the war, so he can have lots of visual aids at his war councils? That seems kind of wasteful for someone in such a dire state. Anyway, when Davos enters, Stannis orders his Hand to go back to Castle Black and deliver a message to Jon – basically, help us now, and we’ll help you later. Davos tries to squirrel out of actually having to go, realizing that anybody could deliver a message just as easily, and he should stay with his king. Even after Stannis says no, Davos begs to take Princess Shireen with him, because Davos knows the future that I wish I could un-know. (M: Ah, shit.) Stannis is as hard and cold as ever and sends Davos away, alone.
Outside the king’s tent, there’s a lot of coughing and shivering. In another tent is Princess Shireen, who tells Davos the story called the Dance of Dragons.
Mari: Oh my god, look at that last gif and how he’s so embarrassed and full of feels and looks a little like a turtle going back into his shell. I’m going to cry.
Diva: Oh, if you want to cry, please read this interview with Liam Cunningham, who plays Ser Davos, especially the part about the real-life gifts he exchanged with Kerry Ingram, who plays Shireen. (But read it after you’ve finished this recap. We are more important, and also #spoilers.)
Way, way south of all those feels, Jaime Lannister positively struts out to the Groovy Dornish Sitting Room to see Prince Doran, his son Prince Trystane, Ellaria Sand, and Jaime’s daughter-niece Myrcella. Jaime tries to subtly slut-shame Myrcella about her dress, but she’s just like, LA LA LA, not hearing you, also Dorne is warm and I love it here kthanxbai. Prince Doran cuts to the chase and asks why Jaime tried to abduct this girl instead of just asking if they could have her back. Jaime explains that they found Myrcella’s necklace in a viper’s mouth, and how symbolism works, and Doran looks at Ellaria like, “you are a fucking idiot for sending that shit to Cersei.” Prince Doran calls for a toast to King Tommen. Everyone raises their glasses, except Ellaria, who slowly pours her wine on the floor like she’s Cookie goddamn Lyon.
Mari: “This is for my homies.” — Ellaria Sand, probably.
Diva: DEFINITELY.
Then Doran drops the bomb that Myrcella IS going back to King’s Landing – and so is Prince Trystane. Ellaria shoots him a “why the fuck are you giving the Lannisters your heir as a hostage” look, but Doran explains that since his brother Oberyn was supposed to have a seat on the small council before the Mountain squeezed his eyeballs out (RIP), Trystane will take that seat instead. Jaime is totally fine with this, but Ellaria hisses that Doran can’t walk because he’s spineless. Doran grabs her arm and is all, talk to me like that again and see what the fuck happens.
When Ellaria leaves, Jaime asks about Bronn. Jaime says he should take the punishment, since Bronn was just following his orders when he hit Trystane. Trys says he’ll set Bronn free, but only on one condition.
2 of the Sand Snakes (true story: I originally wrote Sand Snacks by accident and then cackled out loud) play a slapping game in their cell, and I don’t care about any of this. (M: Because it’s useless.) Areo Hotah comes to take Bronn and bring him back to the Groovy Dornish Sitting Room of Spilled Wine and Meaningful Glances. Jaime explains that there was one condition to Bronn’s release – and Areo hits Bronn hard across the face.
Mari: I like that Doran and Trystane are like, “we bad huh?” Um, you guys are rated G compared to everything else on this show. But you are pretty so you can keep your smug, satisfied looks.
Diva: One punch to the face for someone who attacked a member of the royal family? The Martells are absolutely adorable for thinking that even counts as violence compared to everything else on this show.
Braavos. Like all of us, Arya can’t even commute to work without some bros street-harassing her with double entendres about the clams she’s selling. (M: A+) She keeps moving and gets a creepy-looking potion out to keep in her medieval fannypack. The insurance salesman she’s supposed to kill beckons her over, but she’s distacted, looking somewhere else. He’s yelling for clams, but she only has eyes for the boat that just landed, which carries Mace Tyrell and Ser Meryn Trant, the Kingsguard who killed Syrio, her dancing master. And also probably did other bad things? I don’t know, guys, there are a lot of random middle-aged white dudes with beards on this show. (I made the mistake of looking it up: Meryn also occasionally beat the shit out of Sansa on Joffrey’s orders, though Arya doesn’t know that. He’s actually present for many important scenes, because there’s always at least one Kingsguard lurking around most of the King’s Landing scenes.) (M: I’m sorry you looked it up but I feel like I’ve got full context for my hate now, thanks.) Anyway, Mycroft from the Iron Bank of Sherlock Holmes (M: HA. And a 1430.)chats about money with Mace Tyrell, while Ser Meryn follows.
In some shady castle, Ser Meryn complains about Mace’s singing and the Tyrells in general. The castle is actually a brothel, and Arya follows him in. The pimp tries to get Arya to leave, but one of the prostitutes is craving oysters, so she gets to stick around and serve the clientele. Arya spies Ser Meryn behind a screen. He’s deciding which prostitute he’ll have, but deems each one of them “too old.” And they’re extremely young, so, this is getting very hard to watch.
Mari: He wasn’t bad enough so let’s also make him a pedophile? Okay.
Diva: They could have just reminded us of his previous crimes, instead of making us suffer through all this pedo-terror, but then this wouldn’t be Game of Thrones.
Anywho, the madam tries to pretend she’s not about to vomit, and she goes off to find someone younger. Suddenly there’s a hand on Arya’s shoulder – but it’s just one of Meryn’s guards, wanting her to sell them some oysters. He brings Arya over to Ser Meryn, but the madam immediately shoos Arya away. Instead, she brings out a girl who can’t be a day over 14, and Ser Meryn finally takes the girl away, and clarifies that the woman will have “a fresh one” for him tomorrow. I think it goes without saying that this entire scene is almost impossible to watch, it’s so painful. Arya looks about as horrified as I feel, but the madam shoos her away again. I want to be relieved for Arya, but I can’t stop thinking about that girl.
Mari: It kind of looked like she was dressed as a servant. I started thinking about how she might’ve just been plucked from her work and… I can’t.
Diva: Arya returns to the House of Black and White. She lies to Jaqen, telling him that the insurance salesman wasn’t hungry today, but she’ll totes murder him on the morrow.
Groovy Dornish Sitting Room. Prince Doran tells Ellaria she can swear her allegiance to him, or die. She drops to her knees and kisses his ring, crying. The Sand Snakes are not pleased. Doran coldly tells her that he will not give her a third chance.
In his stupidly beautiful not-prison-y cell, Jaime writes a letter. Ellaria tells him he writes like a seven-year-old. Fair, since he’s been writing with that hand for less time than your average seven-year-old. Ellaria basically tells him, I know about your incest, and I don’t care. The rules about love are always changing, but we want who we want, and also the Targaryens were allowed to do whatever they wanted. (M: Yeaaaah but like mad incest babies, you know?)Ellaria says she knows Myrcella isn’t at fault for Oberyn’s death. And maybe even Jaime is innocent of that too.
Camp Baratheon, PLEASE NEVER SEND YOUR CHILDREN HERE. Shireen plays with her little stag toy as her father enters. She tells him about the Dance of the Dragons, and how brother fighting brother divided the realm and the Targaryens.
It was around this point, when Stannis’s guards were leading Shireen out into the snow through his soldiers, that I started praying that I couldn’t be understanding what was happening correctly. Shireen sees the stake, and Melisandre, and since she’s much smarter and less hopelessly idealistic than me, she knows what’s going to happen. She demands to see her father, but Melisandre insists it will all be over soon. She tries to run, but two guards drag her up onto the stake. She starts screaming for her father, who comes out and looks at her, looking more gaunt and grey and hollow-eyed than ever. Selyse tells Stannis this is what the Lord wants, and that this is a great thing. Melisandre starts doing the prayers as the guards tie up Shireen. Melisandre takes the torch as Shireen starts screaming for her mother. Suddenly, once she hears her daughter screaming for her, Selyse starts to have a change of heart. She says they can’t do this, but Stannis insists. Selyse screams, and the men start shaking their heads, disagreeing with what’s happening before them. Selyse runs forward to rescue her daughter, but the guards hold her back, and she falls to the ground, sobbing. Everyone looks away, shuffles their feet, shifts their weight, as the screams become louder and more horrific, but Melisandre just looks on righteously. Finally, finally, finally, after what feels like forever, the screams end. That is, Shireen’s dying screams end, and Selyse’s screams of anguish begin.
Mari: I don’t actually know how I will sleep tonight. That was horrific. I’m so sad for sweet Princess Shireen.
Diva: I specifically remember staying up hours later than usual after I watched this episode for the first time. I swear, I could not get those screams out of my head.
Suddenly, we’re panning over Meereen’s most gigantic fighting pit. Dany sits primly in her pretty white virginal dress, flanked by Daario, Missandei, and Tyrion. Hizdahr steps up and takes the chair next to her. She coldly asks where he’s been, and he insists he’s just making sure things are in order, which sounds kinda shifty and suspicious. A man in a ridiculously fabulous robe takes center stage – center pit? – and is basically like, “HAPPY HUNGER GAMES!”
Diva: Sorry, random Meereenese robe-wearer. Maybe try a pink wig or some McQueen next time.
Missandei glances at Dany, who looks utterly disgusted. Hizdahr tells her to clap her hands to start the Games. Looking for all the world like she might barf all over her pretty white virginal dress, she gives a single clap, the crowd roars, and the pit fighters start butchering each other. Hizdahr and Daario have a pissing contest about who will win, but Dany shuts Hiz down, noting that he’s never actually had to kill anyone himself.
Anywho, Daario openly flirts with the queen, right up until the champion he’s rooting for gets decapitated by Hizdahr’s choice. (M: I feel a little bad for Hizdahr so I laughed. Probably he knows a little bit about the fighting pits in his own city, y’all.) Tyrion is equally uncomfortable in the fighting pits, critiquing perhaps both the Games and the show by saying he doesn’t need extreme violence in his leisure time, when the world is already full of it.
Listen, I know the fighting pits are bad. Jennifer Lawrence starred in a whole bunch of movies about exactly why the fighting pits are bad. But shit is terrible in Westeros too. I’m not appreciating these white people looking over this sea of brown faces and saying, “Well, the way we murder innocent people is much more civilized. We burn their villages to the ground and raise pet dragons whose very nature is to eat them, but THESE people are SAVAGES.” I love Tyrion, and Dany (well, more Book!Dany, but regardless), but they are playing the innocents when they both have a shit-ton of blood on their hands. Fuck their white savior bullshit. I am not here for it. To be clear, I’m not Team Hizdahr. I’m Team No One. I’m Team PRINCESS SHIREEN NOT BEING FUCKING BURNED ALIVE, FOR THE LOVE OF THE OLD GODS AND THE NEW AND GODDAMN R’HLLOR WHO IS THE WORST.
Mari: All of these thoughts are the best thoughts. There is something very deeply ingrained in age old and institutional racism about white people coming over to call brown people savages, especially as it applies to traditions and religion. It’s so difficult here because we’re all have the same STOP THE KILLING reaction as it plays out, but big fat NOPES for all the reasons Diva said.
#teamBRINGSHIREENBACK
Diva: YUP.
Tyrion says Hizdahr has eloquent points about the Games, but eloquent men are correct about as often as idiots. This convo is interrupted by the arrival of Ser Jorah, who I guess we’re still supposed to care about, since we spend approximately an hour watching Emilia Clarke try to emote at him. (M: Make it stop.) Hizdahr starts to say something, but for some reason, Daario interrupts him, and tells him to shut up, and Hiz DOESN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Come ON, Lionel Richie. I know you’re politely ignoring the fact that Daario is totally fucking your queen, but are you really going to let him tell you to shut up? (M: The threat of dragon fire is too real in his mind right now.) (D: I actually forgot about that; that’s a good point.) Anyway, Dany claps and starts the Ser Jorah round of the Games. Then we watch Ser Jorah murder a whole bunch of dudes in a row, with Dany and Tyrion looking on extremely tensely.
Other Champion suddenly has his sword at Jorah’s throat. Tyrion tells Dany she can end the match right here, but Hizdahr says, uh, no you absolutely cannot. It’s irrelevant, though, because some OTHER other champion stabs that dude from behind. But politely lets Jorah get up before they continue fighting? I don’t think I understand the rules of these Games. The point is, Jorah wins, and the crowd boos. Suddenly, he picks up a spear, and throws it right at Dany – no, right PAST Dany, where it skewers a man in a gold Harpy mask, who was presumably about to murder her.
And then – screeching. The harpies turn towards the sky. The pit is suddenly silent, and then fire-breathing Drogon soars around the sky. He lands ON a harpy, and bites another one in half, and breathes fire at a few dozen more. Dany looks half orgasmic, half terrified, and all around, men are burning and screaming. The harpies throw spears at Drogon, and Dany is worried that her beast is hurt. Suddenly Dany calls out his name and slowly approaches him. He blows a giant scream in her face, huge and long and terrifying, but no fire. Then he quiets down, and almost lets her touch him, before he gets speared again.
Mari: I really would’ve enjoyed Dany peacing out on her dragon way more if it weren’t minutes removed from the racist-y portions of this episode. Dany, I want to root for you. Help me help you.
Finally, #teammaybeShireenwillrisefromtheashes?
Diva: Don’t even, Mari. Don’t you dare even get my hopes up. My fragile little heart can’t take it.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
