Supernatural S05 E04 – The angels have the phone box.

Previously: Satan flirted with Sam while Dean and Cas tried to locate the archangel Raphael.
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The End

Kirsti: The previouslies remind us of the Croatoan virus and I suddenly get very excited because I just remembered which episode this is. Also how much of a bitch it was to find gifs for Croatoan when I recapped it JUST after Croatoan Day last year. BUT I DIGRESS. (S: Croatoan is one of my top ten favorite episodes so I also get excited for this one.) (K: Legit.)

Dean pulls the Bromobile up on a city street and hops out. An escapee from the Book of Mormon cast asks if Dean’s taken time to consider God’s plan for him. “Too friggin’ much, pal,” Dean says with an eyeroll. He heads inside a sketchy motel, and Book of Mormon looks around like he’s being punked.

Inside a sketchy motel room, Dean’s on the phone to someone, wanting to know why the hell the demons would keep the Colt, a gun that kills demons. We cut to Cas, the other end of the phone call, who can’t hear what Dean’s saying because he’s on the side of a highway with B-doubles speeding past. Then he utters one of the most ridiculous Supernatural lines of all time:

Samantha: By ridiculous do you mean hilarious? I think it was great that they used a super serious angel to utter the goofiest lines. Utilize that potential, Kripke! 

K: Oh, it’s definitely great and hilarious. But also ridiculous. Right up there with Buffy talking about how her roommate’s toenails kept growing after they were cut.

Anyway, Dean’s sure the Colt is scrap metal by now; Cas insists otherwise and snaps that it’s the only way to kill the devil. He asks where Dean is – Kansas City – and says he’ll be there immediately. Dean begs for a few hours to sleep first and hangs up. Cas sad pandas that he’ll just stand by the side of a remote highway until Dean’s ready for him. Poor puppy.

Sometime later, Dean’s phone rings. He answers and snaps that he needs to sleep. But it’s not Cas. It’s Sam. He fills Dean in on the Satan’s Vessel gig, and Dean isn’t even remotely surprised. Sam seems a little offended. He says he wants back in on hunting, (S: Har har, I’m shocked) and Dean snaps that they’re right back to revenge. “Not revenge. Redemption,” Sam says. OH LOOK, HE’S ON A REDEMPTION ARC. WAY TO BE SUBTLE, SHOW. (S: Damn, this anvil gave me a headache.) (K: Not surprising. They really slammed it in there.)

Dean scoffs, Sam insists he can do it, Dean says they need to stay the fuck away from each other because they’re weaker together. The angels/demons/monsters of the week are always going to use their relationship against them. There’s some man pain, then Dean hangs up sadly. Fade to black.

Samantha: 

K: Pretty much exactly.

The next morning, Dean wakes up in the same motel room, but the dystopian version where everything’s busted to hell and the bed is just metal springs. He peers out the (broken) window to see that he’s joined the cast of Divergent in some kind of dystopian nightmare.

BLOOOOOOOOOD.

After the Not Credits, Dean heads cautiously out into the abandoned looking dystopian world. He hears glass breaking and heads towards the sound. He finds a little girl in a District 12-esque dress sitting on the ground near a manky teddy bear. He – foolishly, because he has no idea how dystopian worlds work – heads towards her, asking if she’s hurt. Blood drips from her mouth and she attacks him with a piece of broken glass.

Samantha: I like that she is deranged but still wants her teddy. Accurate. 

K: He knocks her down, then winces over his cut shoulder. As he twists, he sees “CROATOAN” scrawled across a wall in huge red letters. “Oh, crap…” he mutters.

A group of infected appear and Dean makes a run for it. They give chase. He sprints down the street only to be stopped by a cyclone wire fence. The infected close in, and all looks lost when a camouflage Humvee appears and opens fire on the infected.

Dean ducks for cover as soldiers pile out of the vehicle and massacre the infected to the strains of Do You Love Me by The Contours. I fight the urge to stop recapping and watch Dirty Dancing instead. We get lots of gross close ups of blood spraying and infected people dying. Dean manages to get away and ducks down a dark alley. That night, he cuts his way through the cyclone fencing and squeezes through.

Samantha: I love this scene because it’s another fairly subtle way of showing us how totally to hell everything is. The soldier throws back some liquor before the tune starts because fuck all. I just think it’s this great way to get us into this future. 

K: TRUE.

He stops dead when he sees a sign on the outside of the fence saying that Kansas City is a Croatoan virus hot zone as of 1 August 2014. It’s at this point that I consult IMDB and inform you that this episode aired in October 2009. Dean freaks, because FUTURE, then hot wires a car and gets the fuck out of town. He looks worried when the radio delivers nothing but static.

Zachariah appears in the passenger seat, reading the newspaper. Apparently the Croatoan virus has just reached Australia. Bitch, please. Seven out of the world’s top ten venomous snakes call Australia home, including the inland taipan, which could kill 100 men with the venom in one bite, not to mention redbacks, funnelwebs, bluebottles, Portuguese man o’ war, stonefish, blue ringed octopi, gympie gympie, and grumpy male platypi. And that’s before the sharks and the cassowaries. The Croatoan virus wouldn’t stand a chance. (S: Australia….scares me?)

Anyway, back to the plot. Dean’s all “I KNEW YOU WERE INVOLVED IN THIS.” Zachariah flips through the newspaper some more, confirming that this future is a white guy’s worst nightmare: Congress has abolished all sports. Dean demands to know how they found him, and Zachariah smirks that they’ve given his picture to all “the end is nigh” Christian fringe groups. Book of Mormon dobbed on him.

Dean demands to be sent back to 2009, but Zachariah’s all “LOL NOPE”. Dean has to stay in 2014 for three days to prove that his actions have consequences. Like the fact that Sarah Palin is president. Excuse me while I shudder forever. (S: No, no, no, no, no, NOPE.) Zachariah tells Dean to have a look around the world his actions have created, and vanishes.

Samantha: Okay, so, I paused it and checked out the front page of the newspaper. Aside from the stuff Douchariah already mentioned, it also talks about whether or not home brewed bio diesel is safe, Canadian aid shipments to U.S. slowing, and crazy ass weather.

K: Huh. That whole “Canadian aid” thing implies that, as is the case with so many dystopian stories, the rest of the world isn’t doing so badly while the US is “we’re all fucked” central. Good to know.

Dean heads to Bobby’s – obviously – and finds Bobby’s wheelchair on the floor, the back riddled with bullet holes. There’s no one there. Dean heads to a secret compartment in the fireplace, further cementing Bobby Singer as the coolest surrogate father of ever, and finds the Filofax of Shadows hanging out in there. There’s a group photo of Bobby and Cas and a bunch of other guys, armed to the teeth, taken at a place called Camp Chitaqua.

We cut over to the camp, which Dean has…magically found??? He hides from some sentries, then gets super sad because the Bromobile is a rusty piece of shit in the future.

He rushes over to his beloved car to see how bad the damage is, and promptly gets knocked out. By his future self. Fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, Dean wakes and finds himself handcuffed to a ladder. Future!Dean has a gun aimed at him and demands to know what the fuck is going on. Dean assures Future!Dean that he’s not a shapeshifter or demon, and Future!Dean’s all “Yeah, I know” because he did the tests while Dean was unconscious. He’d really like to know how Dean carries all the same hidden shit he does in the same locations. And the whole looking identical thing.

Dean says it was Zachariah. Future!Dean gets a major case of bitch face. Dean explains the situation, and Future!Dean demands to know something only he would know. Dean thinks for a second, then smirks and says “Rhonda Hurley. We were, uh, nineteen. She made us try on her panties. They were pink. And satiny. And you know what? We kind of liked it.” Future!Dean’s convinced. I…would be hard pressed to answer that question. Unless my future self considers “Sometimes we eat Nutella straight from the jar” or “the episode of Dawson’s Creek where Joey and Pacey get locked in a Kmart overnight is the greatest episode of Dawson’s Creek ever” to be a secret…

Samantha: Yup. I think about this every time I watch this episode. It’d be a combination of I overshare with people so I don’t have a ton of embarrassing/dark secrets and that I’m that person who’s mind goes blank when someone asks me a question. Like, if someone asks me what my favorite movie is it’s suddenly like I have never seen a movie ever. 

K: Favourite movie I can do: Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Hands down. And I’ve literally just realised that “tell me something only I’d know” is a dumbass question to ask your past self, because you may have told someone this secret in between their time and your time, thereby negating the answer. Whatever, show.

Future!Dean gives some infodump on the Croatoan virus for those who’ve forgotten. Dean asks where Sam is. Future!Dean says something happened in Detroit, and he’s pretty sure Sam didn’t make it. They haven’t spoken in five years. Dean sad pandas. Future!Dean says he’s going to run an errand, and Dean’s all “AND YOU’RE LEAVING ME LOCKED UP?!” to which the answer is basically “Duh”. He heads out. Dean calls himself a dick.

Samantha: I’m sorry I’m talking so much but Jensen has half jokingly talked about how pissed he was at Kripke for making him shoot scenes like this in the episode because it’s hella hard. I just have to say that I think he does a great job I’m all about Jensen’s acting. Even if they weren’t dressed differently you can easily tell which Dean is which, without straying wildly from his character. 

K: Very true. I feel Jensen’s pain, incidentally. Recapping with two Deans involved was…not fun.

Sometime later, Dean manages to pull a nail out of the floor. He uses it to pick the cuffs and heads outside. Chuck appears and wants to talk to him about their supplies. Then a woman turns up and swings at Dean because apparently Future!Dean is a total fuck boy. Dean hides behind Chuck and complains about being hit for things he hasn’t done yet. Chuck’s all “Whut”, and Dean hurriedly asks if Cas is around. Chuck smirks that Cas isn’t going anywhere.

With that, we cut to Dean walking into another cabin to find a beardy Cas surrounded by women and basically being a creepy cult leader type. He sees Dean walk in and tells the women to “go get washed up for the orgy” while he talks to Dean. It’s one of those lines that’s funny at the time but gross when you think too much about it (S: OMG EXACTLY). The women leave and Cas twigs more or less instantly that Dean isn’t Future!Dean. He asks when Dean’s from and if it was Zachariah. Dean’s all “JUST FUCKING ZAP ME BACK ALREADY!”. But Cas giggles and is all “LOL NOPE” because he’s too busy being stoned. Dean asks what the hell happened to him, and Cas replies “Life“.

Meanwhile, Future!Dean arrives back from his errand with a bunch of others. He and a less attractive version of Chris Pratt drinks beer together, then Future!Dean aims his gun at the back of Less Attractive Chris Pratt’s head. Dean calls out a warning, but Future!Dean shoots anyway. The rest of the guys stare between Deans in shock. Future!Dean headdesks a little, tells them it’s totally fucked up but he’ll keep them in the loop, and tells them to do their jobs.

He drags Dean back into the cabin and demands to know what the fuck is going on. Dean demands to know why Future!Dean killed a guy in cold blood. Future!Dean says they got ambushed by infected people and the guy was showing symptoms. Dean wants to know why he did it in front of his soldiers, and Future!Dean’s all “It’s 2014, bitch. We murder people every fucking day. BUT WE DON’T TALK TO OUR PAST SELVES, SO STOP FUCKING THINGS UP FOR ME.” That may be paraphrased. (S: Honestly, only slightly.)

Future!Dean pours them both a drink, and pulls out a gun. It’s the Colt. Dean’s surprised to see it and asks where the fuck it was. Future!Dean says the demons kept moving it all over the place, and it’s taken him five years to find it. But he finally has, and now he’s going to kill the Devil. Fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, Future!Dean fills in Cas and some random sassy lady on the whole Colt thing. Sassy Lady wants to know if the Satan Killing Gun can FIND Satan as well as killing him. It’s a valid point. Dean mentions to Future!Dean that the reason Sassy Lady is so sassy is that OH SHE’S THE ONE WHO PUNCHED HIM EARLIER. Okay, it all makes sense now. This is what happens when I recap across multiple days. Carry on.

Future!Dean says it’s not a problem because he tortured the crap out of a demon the previous week, and said demon was one of Lucifer’s crew. Future!Dean made him spill his guts before he…well, spilled his guts, most likely. Dean’s all “Skkkkrt, we’re TORTURING PEOPLE? Uh, NO.” Future!Dean gives zero fucks. Cas laughs and declares that he likes Past Dean. Future!Dean gives him bitch face. (S: Misha in this scene is pretty hilarious.)

Future!Dean unrolls a map and points at where the Devil will be. In the middle of a quarantine zone, crawling with demons and infected people. His plan is to just walk right through it all and shoot Lucifer. Cas eyerolls and sasses about how fucking terrible this plan is, but says he’s coming with. Future!Dean insists that Dean has to come too. Both Dean and Cas are baffled by this. But Cas just goes with it and leaves to start rallying the troops.

Dean asks Future!Dean why the fuck he has to go, and Future!Dean tells him to quit stressing because Zachariah will keep him safe anyway. Dean demands to know what’s going on. Future!Dean says he needs to see something. More specifically, Sam. Dean says he thought Sam was dead. Future!Dean snaps “Sam didn’t die in Detroit. He said yes.” Dean’s all “THE FUCK”, and the music gets super tense as the two Deans have a man pain-y discussion about how they have to kill Sam because he’s possessed by Lucifer now.

Future!Dean wants Dean to see it all go down so that he can go back to 2009 and do things differently. He wants Dean to say yes to being Michael’s vessel. Dean says that if he does, the battle between Michael and Lucifer will destroy half the planet. Future!Dean points out that in 2014, the world is in the crapper and half a planet would be an improvement on what they have now.

Dean wants to know why Future!Dean doesn’t say yes. Future!Dean yells that he has. Dozens of times. But the angels ran out of fucks to give and buggered off. It’s too late for him, he says, but not too late for Dean. Dean insists there has to be another way. Future!Dean gets a little teary and man pain-y when he says that he thought the same. But he was wrong. “I’m begging you: say yes,” he says. Then he steps back and says he knows Dean won’t say yes, because he didn’t. Because that’s not who they are. They exchange a feels-laden look. 

S: This scene, this scene, this scene, this scene. So. Good.

K: Later, everyone heads for the cars. Chuck advises Dean to hoard toilet paper. (S: I think about this line a lot, because legit.) The team rolls out. Dean’s with Cas, who’s busy getting high on amphetamines while driving. Dean says he’s “thrilled the stick is out of your ass“, but he wants to know why Cas is now a druggy man whore. Cas laughs and says he’s mortal now. When the other angels fucked off, his angel power went with them.

He feels totally useless, especially after breaking his foot the previous year and being out of action for several months. So he decided to “bury myself in women and decadence“. He says something about banging a few gongs before the world ends, but I totally heard it as “dongs” and was like “WHOA I DON’T REMEMBER THAT BEING CANON ESPECIALLY THE PART WHERE DEAN GAVE CAS A “I HEAR YOU, BROTHER” LOOK WHAT IS HAPPENING.” Then I checked the transcript and was sad. (S: But like, is it a misogyny shot because I think he referred to women as gongs?) (K: Definitely.)

Dawn. The team arrive in the quarantine zone and Future!Dean leads them to the Jefferson County Sanatorium.

He says if they go in the second story window, the demons will never see them coming. Sassy Lady seems skeptical, but Future!Dean insists he’s right. Dean demands a Dean-filled sidebar. They step away for a tête-à-tête as the others do a weapons check.

Dean demands to know why Future!Dean is lying to everyone. Future!Dean insists he’s not lying, and Dean’s all “Uh, hi. I’m you. I know what I look like when I lie”. Which is kind of a weird thing to say unless you regularly practice telling lies while looking into a mirror. But whatever. Dean goes onto say that he knows his lying face because he’s seen it in the mirror a bunch of times. I…stand corrected.

Future!Dean eventually cracks and points out that their trip through the quarantine zone has been suspiciously free of infected people. It’s a trap. Dean says if it’s a trap, they certainly can’t go in the front way. Future!Dean says they’re not. Everyone else is. He’s using his friends as canon fodder while he and Dean sneak in the back way.

Dean’s horrified, and says he’d never let his friends go off to their deaths like that. Future!Dean says that Dean’s shitty decision making is why they’re in this mess in the first place. Dean snaps that everyone trusts Future!Dean to keep them safe. Future!Dean says it’s bullshit – they trust him to kill the Devil and save the world. And then he knocks Dean out. Fade to black.

After the Unconsciousness Break, Dean wakes up to the sound of gunfire. He realises what’s happening and rushes towards the sanatorium. He sees gunfire flashing on the second floor, then heads around the back of the building. He finds Future!Dean on the ground, pinned down by a very large white loafer across his neck. Lightning flashes, and Dean stares in horror as the white loafer presses down and Future!Dean’s neck snaps. The camera pans up to Satan!Sam, who turns and smirks “Oh. Hello, Dean“. Fade to black for real.

Samantha: Okay, so, I’ve always been torn. Is this supposed to be that Dean tried to shoot Satan!Sam but Lucifer got the better of him? Or is it, when it came down to it, Dean still couldn’t shoot his little brother’s face? I can see it both ways. My feels likes the latter better but that’s just feels. 

K: My feels prefer the latter too. Though having just watched all of Jessica Jones, my brain is telling me it’s a Kilgrave thing…

After the Not Commercial Break, lightning and thunder crash as the zoomy cameraman zooms in on Dean’s shocked face. Satan!Sam taunts and smirks, and Dean’s all “JUST KILL ME ALREADY”. Satan!Sam looks past him to Future!Dean’s corpse and says “Don’t you think that would be a little…redundant?“. Then he says he knows it’s probably hard for Dean to talk to him while he’s wearing Sam as a meatsuit. Personally, I’m having a hard time knowing that the Devil wears an all white suit with white socks and white loafers, but whatever.

Satan!Sam says that Dean shouldn’t be afraid of him, and Dean’s all “Yeah, but you’re going to destroy the planet!”. Satan!Sam insists that he could never destroy “this beautiful thing“, and you guys, JPad’s acting is so terrible right now. He’s all crazy eyes and weird emphasis and scenery chewing. (S: Holy shit, Kirsti, I am so glad you feel the same way. I love JPad but this scene is so no.)

Anyway, apparently the planet is the “last perfect handiwork of God“, so Satan!Sam could never destroy it. He asks if Dean knows the story of why he fell from Heaven. Dean gives zero fucks. Satan!Sam gets teary as he says it’s because he loved God SO EFFING MUCH, but then God threw him over in favour of humans. Look, I know it’s a total throwaway line, but when you spend like 3 hours watching each episode, my main reaction to things like this is “THIS SHOW HAS MORE HOMOEROTIC SUBTEXT THAN TORCHWOOD”. (S: That’s cause it’s not really subtext in Torchwood.) (K: Valid point…)

Anyway. Basically, Lucifer objected to the idea of loving the icky little flawed humans more than loving God, who’s totes perf. God didn’t like this, and had Michael toss him into Hell. He asks Dean if the punishment fits the crime, especially when he was right. Six billion people basically destroyed the planet, God’s perfect creation.

Dean gets teary and says that he has zero fucks to give for Satan!Sam’s sob story. “You’re the same thing, only bigger. The same brand of cockroach I’ve been squashing my whole life. An ugly, evil, belly-to-the-ground, supernatural piece of crap. The only difference between them and you is the size of your ego,” he says. Satan!Sam smirks. He tells Dean that they’ll meet again soon.

He turns to leave and Dean yells after him that he’d better kill him now or he’ll find a way to kill Lucifer first. Satan!Sam’s all “LOL. No, you won’t. You’ll never say yes to Michael. You won’t kill your brother. We’ll always end up here”. He’ll always win, no matter what. He finishes with “See you in five years, Dean“, and vanishes. Dean turns around to see Zachariah behind him, and we fade to black. (S: Was that 3 days? That did not flow like 3 days.)

After the Not Commercial Break, Dean’s back in his motel room in 2009. Zachariah tells him that he’s the only person who can prove Satan!Sam wrong, and all he needs to do is say yes. Dean thinks for a minute, then goes “Nah“. Zachariah’s super pissed and asks if Dean hasn’t learnt his lesson yet. Dean insists that he has, but it’s not the one Zachariah wanted to teach him. Zachariah’s all “WHY YOU LITTLE…” and insists he’s never going to let Dean go now.

But Dean vanishes. Zachariah’s pissed. Meanwhile, Dean’s standing on the side of the highway with Cas, and informs him that he’s got great timing. “We had an appointment,” Cas says with this little “MY BAE IS HERE!!” smile.

Dean pulls out his phone and says it’s time to do what he should have done in the first place.

Cut to a brotherly reunion. Dean pulls out Ruby’s knife and Sam looks nervous. But Dean flips it around and hands it to Sam, saying he should hang onto it if he wants back into hunting because he’s probably rusty. Sam looks feelsy. Dean apologises and says he was wrong. They’re definitely each other’s weak spots, but they keep each other human.

Sam gets feelsy and thanks Dean, saying he won’t let him down. Dean smirks and says he knows, and that Sam’s the “second best hunter on the planet“. Sam asks what they do now. “We make our own future,” Dean says. Sam nods and says they have no choice. Fade to black.

I quite like this episode. As a general rule, I enjoy the episodes that mess around with time, whether it’s the boys being sent to the past, or episodes full of flashbacks or any kind of other wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff. And I like that they brought back the Croatoan virus. This had some great lines and some nice revelations, but at the same time it was ultimately a 45 minute “let’s make Dean realise that he needs Sam” session. So…IDK.

Samantha: It is that, but I freaking love it. I love it. Jensen’s acting is so good and I think it was a brilliant move by the angels. If anything was ever going to get in Dean’s head, it was this future. I love that it backfired on them and that Dean changes his future by making this move and not the one they want. The Croatoan call back is excellent. They obviously had to get the boys back together and I like this way.

 

Next time on Supernatural: The boys are back together and trying to work out why famous people are suddenly becoming murderers in S05 E05 – Fallen Idols.