Sweet Valley High #015 “Promises” – Shared milk.

Previously: Elizabeth went on a date with a dude that wasn’t Todd. Major dramz.
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Laura: Okay, here we go. I haven’t read a SVH book in about 15 years, but I do remember that I was slightly obsessed with Jessica because I am a complete and utter nerdy Elizabeth and I thought Jess was SO COOL DUDE. 

Marines: If nothing else, I hope this experiment changes your mind about Jessica because that bitch is CRAZY.

Laura: One paragraph in, I’m immediately told the girls have large blue-green eyes! As if I could ever forget. And Tricia is dying, for realz this time. Everyone is gathered in the hospital room, and they’re very quick to point out how thin everyone is. This soap-opera story has soap-opera level hotties in it. Good to know.

As if we weren’t aware, Jessica disapproves of Tricia’s family. While she’s in the hospital she is resentful, even though Tricia is LITERALLY on her deathbed. (M: But, like, it’s probably a trashy deathbed.) Only a few pages in and my memory of Jessica is shattered. She’s a total biatch.

Mari: Um, that was quick! I probably could’ve just read ahead a couple of lines and known my first comment wasn’t necessary, but I’mma keep it. It’s not often I get my wish.

Laura: My nostalgia lasted a whole four minutes.

While Jessica fumes silently, Tricia makes Steve swear to protect her sister, Betsy, and by page 7 she is dead. It’s surprisingly not that sad.

As they leave the hospital, Betsy comes in drunk. Talk about bad timing. Jessica hates Betsy because she drinks and has sex and that is bad! Bad Betsy! Of course, anyone in Jessica’s line of fire gets gossiped about mercilessly. Elizabeth defends Betsy, because that’s what happens in these books. Jessica is a bitch and Elizabeth is a goody-goody.

Because her deadbeat dad is nowhere to be found and her sister is dead, the Wakefield’s invite Betsy to stay with them, and Jessica’s life is RUINED. She spends the whole ride home talking crap about Betsy and calling her a drunk and a whore. Elizabeth tries to convince her to give Betsy a chance, Jessica says she will try, which essentially means nothing.

At school, Elizabeth is worried about Betsy. But enough of that nonsense! What really matters is that Todd bets Winston he can’t eat a bunch of mini-pizza in four minutes! Watching him stuff his face makes Elizabeth feel better, and makes me feel worse. Did I really love this as a kid? 🙁 #fail

Mari: I’m having a hard time believing a mini-pizza eating contest is separated by pages from Tricia’s death by cancer. Who are these ghostwriters and why do they hate children?

Laura: Death is not as interesting as Jessica’s revenge and pizza, clearly.

When Liz gets home she has some milk with a brownie and Betsy calls it a “good girl’s drink” BECAUSE PARTY GIRL’S ONLY DRINK WHISKEY! Betsy is drawing, and Elizabeth peer pressures her into looking at Betsy’s art. Of course, it’s fantastic, and when Elizabeth tells her that they make up and hug and have milk together. (M: Not a metaphor for anything.)

Everyone goes to Tricia’s funeral. Jessica is really concerned about how she looks because who cares that someone DIED? She also manages to be a huge asshole to Betsy. Why take a break from being an asshole to someone, even at their sister’s funeral?

After the funeral everyone goes back to their normal lives, all NBD, but Betsy tells Steven to take her to the bar. He refuses, and they argue. Then Steven tells Betsy she can stay at his parent’s house as long as she needs to. Jessica shits herself because her reputation!!! What will people think!!!???

The twins go to school and Jessica and her friends quickly start talking about how shitty it is that the “tramp” Betsy is staying with the Wakefields. I just realized that Jessica and her friends would have bullied me in high school (and my high school bully got pregnant at 19 and is now a single mom… karma?) Jessica and her friends decide that the best thing to do is snoop through Betsy’s things to find something to get her kicked out of the house. 

Mari: I don’t even know what they expect to find when homegirl is going around drunk all the time. Like… alcohol? No shit.

Laura: Meanwhile in the cafeteria, Winston is trying to eat a lot of sandwiches to practice for an eating contest, in what might be known as the world’s weirdest subplot. While that is happening, everyone finds out that Roger Barrett’s mother had a heart attack and that she is not doing well. I think this school gossip’s more in one day than my school did in one year.

Mari: It’s weird too because your school probably had more than one fat person and more than one poor person, unlike Sweet Valley High. And what else do we gossip about, amIright?

Laura: You’d think so, but I went to a school scarily similiar to SVH. Conservative, white-bread midwest, where I was bullied for being “poor” because I wore Old Navy instead of Abercrombie. God forbid.

Jessica snoops in Betsy’s belongings and finds something shocking… Betsy drew a picture of Steven. She tells Elizabeth, who does nothing, because that is actually not shocking at all and none of us care.

Back at school, Jessica finds out that her worst nightmare has come true and people are talking about her and her family. They say Betsy and Steven might be together, which Jessica denies adamantly because that would *like totally be the worst!* But later that day Betsy admits to Jessica that there is someone she’s crushing on! Which is bad news to Jessica’s life.

We see everyone at the Beach Disco, and Elizabeth basks in Todd’s brown puppy dog eyes, happy that they’re not fighting anymore. Yay teen romance! Bruce Patman shows up and is a huge jerk, as usual. Jessica shows up with Aaron Dallas… OH MY GOD AARON DALLAS! Guys, I was totally in love with him back in the day. *Swoons*

Mari: I think this is the first we are hearing about him? I mean, granted, the last Sweet Valley recap was a while ago but I don’t remember that name at all.

Laura: Jessica dated Aaron Dallas in middle school and I thought he was just soooo dreamy. I just found him on the Sweet Valley Wikipedia and am SHOCKED by what happened to him in his later years. I guess I didn’t read the books that far but holy crap. I won’t spoil it for you guys, but it’s totally worth looking up.

Where was I? Oh yah, Todd hates Jessica, Elizabeth stands up for her, in a cycle I like to call “every book in this series.” Jessica goes to the dance floor and is rocking out until she runs into Winston, who she promptly makes fun of. Cara shows up and they gossip about Roger Barrett’s mother, who is now in a coma. (M: Comas are way too common in this town.) Then… dun dun dun! Betsy and Steven WALK IN TOGETHER! SCANDAL!

Immediately, everyone in the room starts talking shit about Betsy RIGHT IN EARSHOT. Smooth guys. Gallant Steven makes her dance with him, and she cries in his arms, which gets awkward when Steven realizes that Betsy is in love with him. His friend Jason shows up and it become an awkward triangle and all of us feel awkward. Then they talk about dead Tricia, and now we’re awkward and depressed. Eventually, they convince Betsy to go to a community center art class, while I can barely convince myself to keep reading.

Mari: 

Laura: First thing the next morning Jessica tells Steven he is being selfish because when he takes Betsy around town it’s really bad for her image. They fight and she stomps off.

Elizabeth comes and tells Steven to be careful with Betsy since she’s in love with him. Steven starts crying and then we all feel bad because his girlfriend just died… like… last week. Did everyone forget about that already? (M: Yes.)

Betsy comes home super mad because Jason asked her on a date. Elizabeth is all like “so what?” And Betsy’s all like “he only like’s me because I’m the town whore!” And no one can argue against that.

The next day everyone finds out that Bruce Patman’s father is paying money to take care of Roger Barrett’s mother and everyone is like ????? A Patman????? Being generous????? WITH MONEY???$?$?$?$?$??? #confused

Mari: Maybe they all know about the rape cups and warm wine Bruce keeps in his car. I know I’ll never forget.

Laura: Ew.

Jason shows up to awkwardly interrupt the family brunch. He tells Betsy she should apply to a contest for free tuition to art school, but Betsy is a dick to him since she thinks he just wants to get in her pants. After she storms off Jason, Steven, and Elizabeth decide to submit her drawings behind her back! Then Steven goes back to college and everyone is like #ohno when Betsy says goodbye because she’s clearly in love with him. Steven is totally oblivious of course, MEN! AMIRIGHT?!

Jessica goes to school and hates it. Everyone is still talking about Roger’s mom and the Patman’s, and Jessica thinks she might considering dating Roger if he wasn’t so poor. Jessica teaches me good morals! She and her friends go to pry information about the whole Roger/Patman money rumor out of Bruce, who sees right through them and makes fun of Jessica for having Betsy in her house. That’s the last straw for Jessica who decides to get Betsy out no matter what!

Continuing our weird subplot, everyone shows up at the pizzeria to watch Winston attempt to break the world record by eating seven extra large pizzas. After dragging myself through a whole chapter, he doesn’t even do it! (M: Letdown City. Population: Us.) But Jessica is really excited to watch the news and she if she’s on TV. While they’re watching the doorbell rings and at the door is Betsy’s deadbeat dad who has been missing!

Safe to say my childhood is ruined, as I want to claw my eyes out rather than read any more of this book. 

Mari: Did I forget to tell you that drinks usually help us get through these? We’re all Betsey in these recaps.

Laura: No one warned me! Next time I will stock up.

People are still giving Steven shit for being so nice to Betsy and he finally let’s it slip that the reason he is taking care of her is because he promised Tricia he would! On her deathbed, yo! Jessica almost gives herself a hernia with excitement because she knows she can use this to get Betsy out of the house for good. She goes to Betsy and let’s this “secret” slip, which causes Betsy to blow up in a fit of rage, pack her things, and leave. Good job Jess!

Jessica is ecstatic, especially since now she gets to break the news to everyone else and get all the attention for it. Steven and Jason show up because SURPRISE! Betsy won a scholarship to art school. They arrive just in time to find out that Betsy has been making plans with Charlie Cashman, which means she’s back to getting hammered.

Steven and Jason eventually find Betsy at the bar. When she sees Steven, Betsy starts drinking heavily and kissing both guys, just to prove to everyone and herself that she really is a tramp. She tells Steven she knows his “secret” about Tricia’s promise, and tells everyone to get lost. Steven refuses to leave without Betsy so Charlie and him fistfight.

The guys are beating on Steven when Jason steps in. Everyone’s like NERD, but then he lays Charlie out on the floor, stunning everyone in the room, and doing the first interesting thing this entire book. He convinces Betsy to leave, and on the way out tells her he’s a brown belt in karate. How convenient for the whole story. The best part is that now Betsy and Jason are in instalove! How easy was that!

Mari: I mean, the reason anyone likes Todd is because he goes around punching people. I’m glad it worked for Jason too. 

Laura: Finally, the end! I’m so excited! They throw a celebratory party in the Wakefield’s backyard because Betsy is going to art school. Steven and Jessica have made up after he found out she “spilled his secret” and Betsy has decided to go live with her father, to complete the happy ending. She also apologizes to Steven for being a crazy person, probably made easier by the fact that her and Jason are instaloving. (M: Oh, and also, her sister died like a week ago. I hear that’s rough on a girl.)

During the middle of the party Liz gets a phone call that Roger Barrett’s mother has died! And… OHMIGAWD… his dead father was Bruce Patman’s uncle, who was super rich! Which means Roger is now super rich! And he’s off to live with the Patman’s! Yeesh… you win some, you lose some, huh Roger? But Roger is now socially relevant because money!!$$!$$!

And I now know the best method of torture… make someone read a SVHS book.

Mari: I mean… thank you, though. We’d welcome you back anytime you want to torture yourself.

Laura: I’m not gonna lie, I want to know what happens to Roger. I mean, money?! Bruce!? Think of all the drama! It’s like a car accident you can’t look away from. And now I know your secret to surviving: booze.

 

Next time on Sweet Valley High: Roger is surprise! rich and now Jessica wants to date him in #16 – Rags to Riches.