Charmed S02 E20 – Chimps or Monkeys?

Previously: A ghost, a murder mystery, and a surprise wife.
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Astral Monkey

Stephanie: Breakfast at the Halliwell Manor. Phoebe asks Piper if she got “the postcard” from Dan and I’m confused because aren’t they not on good terms after he attacked her boyfriend for being a liar and a war veteran? Apparently he’s having a great time wherever he is, so… great?

Marines: He probably only sent the postcard because he’s having a good time and stupid ex-girlfriends need to know that.

Stephanie: Anyway, Piper is distracted by a letter from the doctor that treated her when she got sick from handling space fruit. Yup, we all wanted to revisit that plot. The doctor wants her to come in for some blood work to make sure she’s really, really cured. Phoebe points out that Leo cured her with his White Light so she is definitely really, really cured. Piper understands that, but the doctor won’t so she’s been dealing with it by throwing all the letters in the trash bin. That prompts Phoebe to look down and set up the next exhilarating plot. An empty box in the trash tells her that Leo has been eating all of her granola now that he practically lives there. Piper gets defensive and says that he doesn’t live there even though he’s around all the time like the brother Phoebe never wanted.

Prue enters in some kind of backless apron monstrosity and asks Phoebe if she’s ever heard of Evan Stone because she’s got to take ugly photos of him, and probably fall in love too. (M: It’s like you know this show, or something.) Phoebe has, of course, heard of him because she’s seen his movie Red Death 5 times. She’s also read some juicy gossip on him, but Prue stops her before she can spill. Piper decides this conversation would be better if it were about her relationship and asks Prue if she thinks Leo is living with them. Prue does, but she’s okay with it since she enjoys checking him out in the shower like a massive creepo. Piper starts to go on about laying down ground rules for when he’s around, but Prue and Phoebe just leave because no one cares about this shit as much as she does. Piper throws the hospital letter in the trash.

Hospital. Piper’s jerk doctor is yelling on the phone to another doctor about how Piper beat Oroya fever even though she didn’t respond to treatments. A bunch of monkeys freak out in the background, probably because they’re in very small cages. Dr. Jerk has been injecting the poor monkeys with Piper’s blood in hopes of unlocking a universal antibody. The doctor on the other line thinks this project is dumb so he terminates it and hangs up. (M: Can he terminate this episode or no?) Dr. Jerk doesn’t plan on giving up though. (M: Dammit.) He puts on his gloves and starts mixing up blood samples. Oh god… he’s going to make magic monkeys, isn’t he? Sure enough, Dr. jerk starts to unlock the cage of a monkey he’s named Prue (lol) but Prue-Monkey uses her telekinesis powers to float a syringe of blood straight into his neck. He pulls it out and looks in shock at the HalliMonkeys wiggling about all cute-like. (M: Vast improvement over regular Halliwell wiggling.)

I AM THE SAHN.

After some unfitting, upbeat music and establishing shots, the HalliMonkeys are still flipping out. Dr. Jerk yells at them like a big meanie while pointing his finger which causes some flasks of blood to smash against the wall. If only all the demons who’ve been trying to steal the P’s powers knew all it takes is a few blood samples.

Mari: Thank you for pointing out how ridiculous this is and how every past plot and every future plot to steal their powers is now 100xs more stupid and unnecessary.

Stephanie: Just when you think this show can’t get anymore nonsensical it tops itself.

The doctor from the phone call (Dr. Jeffries) comes in and Dr. Jerk spins around and tells him to wait, accidentally freezing him in the process. He waves his fingers again and unfreezes him. Dr. Jeffries asks how he moved, why is there blood everywhere, and what’s the deal with his neck? Dr. Jerk brushes his questions off and tells him that he still needs the Halliwells. Dr. Jeffries repeats that the project has been terminated and he should take some time off since he’s been under a lot of pressure and his sister’s sick. Dr. Jerk gets real Jerk-y and grabs Dr. Jeffries by the collar, insisting he needs the Halliwells. This gets him terminated too. When Jeffries is gone, one of the HalliMonkeys magics a banana over for a snack.

Prue arrives to a movie set and introduces herself to Evan Stone. Evan’s publicist tries to stop her because she thinks Prue is a tabloid photographer. Prue proves she isn’t by emptying the contents of her bag onto Evan’s makeup table and pulling out a temporary ID. Evan says he’ll keep an eye on Prue while the publicist (Lucy) confirms Prue’s identity. Prue and Evan have some flirty banter about akido and Evan tells Prue that Lucy is actually a pretty cool person. Pretty standard boring Charmed flirt dialogue. I guess this guy has heard the rumors that the Halliwells will literally go for anyone because he’s already super into her.

Mari: Apparently dumping out the contents of your purse is super charming. Who knew?

Stephanie: These people have very low standards.

Manor. Leo tinkles on in behind Piper and asks if she’s ever done it on a cloud. Dear god, I hope this show remains sex-free. I never want to see anything like that. Anyway, Leo has no idea what the back of his girlfriend looks like because it’s actually Phoebe he just whispered at.

He backs away and apologizes. Phoebe says it’s understandable since he’s always just orbing all over the place. Leo awkwards out to find Piper in the kitchen and Phoebe pulls out her list of ground rules and adds orbing.

In the kitchen, Piper is on the phone with Dr. Jerk. She’s appalled that He’s called her at home. Uh, isn’t that a pretty standard thing for a doctor to do? (M: Yes.) He tries to tell her that he needs her help but she hangs up on him. At the hospital, he has a little tantrum and magic-smashes a computer.

Piper tells Leo that she doesn’t want to go the hospital for follow-up tests and then asks if Leo is there because there’s a demon around. He says he thought she’d want to spend her day off with him. Maybe ask first? What if she wanted to relax alone watching Netflix? Rude. Piper tells Leo that she’s not worried about the doctor figuring out that he saved her in a way that makes her seem worried about it.

Hospital. Dr. Jerk gets a call from a nurse telling him to come see his sick sister ASAP. When he’s gone, Prue-Monkey lowers her head.

Meanwhile, Real-Prue is snapping flirty photos of Evan Stone when the Prue-Monkey appears behind him. Looking through a camera has made her blind to magic monkeys, so when she lowers it, she’s like, “hey, what a cute monkey!” But Prue-Monkey disappears again before Evan can check it out. Prue acts real nonchalant about the whole thing by quickly packing up her stuff and hurrying away.

Evan follows Prue outside because she forgot her car keys. Instead of giving them to her, he drops them on the floor and then starts assaulting her hands and leaning all close in her personal space. Of course, a paparazzo gets shots of this serious sex scandal.

Manor. Prue arrives home all, “You’ll never believe what happened!” Phoebe is in the kitchen, jealous because Evan has already sent Prue some flowers like 10 minutes after they last saw each other. (M: I believe this even less than monkeys with powers.) Piper and Leo come in and Prue tells everyone about the monkey. She says it waved at her and this was enough for her to somehow know it wanted her help. Piper and Phoebe are just like, “oh… sweetie.”

Leo says that the only way a monkey could astral project is if it had Prue’s power and used it to find her “magic to magic.” Wtf. Leo’s dumb, made-up piece of magical lore plus the description of the monkey’s rose-logoed hospital ID band click together for Piper and she pulls out one of the hospital letters from the trash. Piper tells them that Dr. Jerk called her earlier, and Phoebe is like, “a doctor called you!?” Yeah, this doctor is totally shady, but why are these women so shocked that a doctor that treated one of them for a deadly disease might try to follow up? Piper wonders if he’s discovered their powers and Prue and Phoebe run off the consult the Book of Shadows. Leo gets a very important Call of the WhiteLighter and tinkles away with a quick kiss to Piper.

Hospital. Dr. Jerk, who looks like pure shit, is with his sick sister and his sister’s cop husband. Cop Husband is being pretty unreasonable, pressuring Dr. Jerk to figure out something to help Sick Sister and saying that every minute he’s in the hospital criminals are getting away. Okay. Cop Husband starts to walk away and Dr. Jerk grabs him, sending him into a vision of Cop Husband having a heart attack. He yells at a nurse to get a gurney and a team together. Cop Husband has about one seconds to be like “wtf” before the heart attack kicks in but the Heart Attack Team come in just in time to help him out.

Mari: It would’ve been real embarrassing if this heart attack was at some unspecified point in the future and not a minute later. I guess it’s a good thing Dr. Jerk is better at this than Phoebe is?

Stephanie: Dr. Jerk leaves and storms into the records room and demands a list of criminals admitted and released from the hospital jail ward.

Meanwhile, The P’s arrive at Dr. Jerk’s lab and spot the HalliMonkeys. Prue-Monkey waves the P’s in. They snoop around a bit and find their files and blood samples. The monkeys start doing magic and they decide they need to get them out of there before someone comes to the very logical conclusion that magic monkeys means they’re witches. Phoebe picks up Phoebe-Monkey and has a vision of a magical Dr. Jerk. Piper says they need to stop him before they end up in cages like the monkeys. Sounds like a good way to end the series, I think. (M: *dreamy sigh*)

Some random Drug Dealer Apartment. Dr. Jerk bursts in and magically knocks the drug dealer to the floor. He thoughtfully gives Drug Dealer a sedative before lifting his shirt to remove an organ.

Back at the hospital, the P’s freeze people while trying to escape with the monkeys. However, something more important catches Prue’s attention: a celebrity gossip TV segment about her and Evan Stone. They stop to watch this and discuss it for a moment. With hospital staff still walking about. And monkeys in a rolly-bin. They overhear a nurse telling a doctor about Dr. Jerk’s clairvoyance. Piper asks where Dr. Jerk has gone now and the nurse points them to the records room. They head there, leaving the monkeys god knows where, and check a computer. Lucky for them, the list of criminals is still pulled up with the name of the drug dealer conveniently highlighted.

Dr. Jerk is back at the hospital equipped with a fresh kidney for his sister. Good job, surely no one will wonder where you got that. He tells the poor nurse from earlier to prep his sister for her transplant, no questions asked. (M: I don’t think this is how you transplant.) When he turns his head, the area where he was injected with the P’s blood looks super nasty. Get a bandaid; you’re in a hospital.

Outside of the Drug Apartment. Morris, San Francisco’s only detective, is on the case. The P’s show up (where are the monkeys???) and he fills them in on the drug dealer with the missing kidney. He tells them that they found him sedated with a kind note reminding them to give him some Morphine. The P’s tell Morris that this whole thing is supernatural and there’s nothing he can do but give them updates and stay safe. Piper gets all sad because she feels this whole mess is her fault for ignoring Dr. Jerk’s letters.

Manor. The monkeys are back! [Aside: It feels wrong to call the chimps in this episode monkeys, so I took a moment to do a bit of research on apes vs. monkeys and look at cute animal pictures to learn more, but since this episode has decided they’re monkeys, I’m going to keep going along with it even though it’s making me feel like a primate racist. Anyone who knows more about science and animals, feel free to clarify this. Chimpanzees are not monkeys, right?] (M: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 🍌🍌🍌) (S: SOMEONE HAS TO KNOW.)

Prue’s on the phone trying to convince her editor that she isn’t dating Evan Stone while Phoebe gets hug-attacked by the HalliMonkeys.

Piper comes out says she can’t find anything in the BoS about separating magic from animals. No shit, of course you can’t find anything. When does the BoS ever have answers?

Suddenly, a bunch of photographers show up at the same time, totally out of nowhere, and start snapping photos of the house. Leo tinkles in and one of the HalliMonkeys instantly hugs him. This episode is ridiculous but I’m delighted that there are adorable animals to help me through it. Anyway, they escape into the kitchen with the HalliMonkeys and Leo tells them that Dr. Jerk’s mortal body can’t handle magical powers. He makes up some nonsense about how the goodness of their powers will make him mad and his good deeds will be bad. (M: Um, the Halliwells aren’t immortal. This is dumb.) They come up with their Stupid Plan: Phoebe will make a potion to separate powers from witches and test it on the HalliMonkeys, Piper will warn Morris, and Prue will have the very important task of talking to Evan. Piper heads to the main entrance and freezes the photographers so Prue can make her escape before Piper unfreezes them again. But… why?

Film set. Prue meets up with Evan and tells him that there are photographers all over her property. Evan’s just like, “so?” After some convincing, he agrees to help. He calls “celebrity peepshow” and does a stupid voice pretending to be someone with a tip on where Evan and his new girlfriend are. Prue smirks at this like it’s somehow adorable. P’s, come on. Get better taste in men. (M: About as unlikely as the BoS ever having answers.)

Elsewhere, Dr. Jerk is removing organs from an illegal gun dealer.

Manor. The photographers have gone away and Phoebe has completed her potion. They feed it to Prue-Monkey in a little baby bottle. Prue-Monkey floats a banana, but then some sparkles come out of her, and the banana drops, so I guess it worked.

The Doorbell rings and it’s Morris fed up with everything. He informs Piper that Dr. Jerk is still collecting organs and dropping them off at various hospitals without being caught. This has somehow led him to the conclusion that Dr. Jerk has the P’s powers. Piper warns Morris that Dr. Jerk will kill him, but Morris has already made up his mind about stopping him. When he’s gone, Piper checks the criminal list and figures out where Dr. Jerk will strike next.

Random Crime Building. Dr. Jerk has stolen some more organs and the P’s arrive before he can get another. Piper tells him he’s sick and approaches him with Phoebe’s potion. Instead of taking it, he magics her into a wall, knocking the jar out of her hand. He does the same to Prue. Dr. Jerk tells Phoebe that he doesn’t want any help because he’s saving lives. As he says this, his voice gets all deep, because it’s filled with goodness gone bad. I dunno. Phoebe punches him in the face but he magics her into a fence and knocks her out. He grabs his organ cooler and steps on the potion on his way out.

Mari: Damn. That’s some real bad goodness.

Stephanie: Manor. Phoebe attempts to use a crystal on a map to find Dr. Jerk, but it doesn’t work since their powers are the same. The crystal just points to their street. Prue says they need to come up with another dumb plan, and Piper is like, “what do you mean? We already have a dumb plan!” Phoebe says the potion plan is out since she’s out of ingredients. Plus, Dr. Jerk is way too strong for them to force a potion onto him. Piper goes on about how they have to help him because he helped save her when she was sick. Prue thinks they need to accept that they may not be able to save an innocent this time. They’ll have to vanquish him. Piper isn’t okay with this and reminds them that they can’t use their powers to punish. Really? When did they come up with this rule? Suddenly Phoebe’s crystal works and locates Dr. Jerk.

Crime Alley. Dr. Jerk scouts for new organ donors, but the P’s are already all nicely lined up, waiting for him. Piper says they’re there to help but Dr. jerk isn’t hearing it. He speaks in his new demon voice and prepares to throw a tiny scalpel at them, but Prue magics it away. Dr. Jerk attacks again by flying a random sharp disc at them, which Piper freezes. Dr. Jerk magics another sharp disc, and Prue counter-magics it so that it hovers between them next to the frozen disc. Phoebe freaks out, saying not to let the disc unfreeze, but I don’t understand why they don’t quickly move out of the way? Since when has Piper had to point at something to keep it frozen? Anyway, Prue orders Piper to let the disc go and they all duck down. The discs fly into the wall behind them and one ricochets back at Dr. Jerk and into his chest. He pulls it out and collapses to the floor. Piper runs over to him and has a meltdown over his body, pleading with him not to die. So… I guess nothing is going to come of that whole thing where Morris was all “I will stop him!”

Mari: Not a damn thing. But thanks for stopping by, Morris!

Stephanie: I thought it seemed like Morris was being slowly phased out of the show but IMDb tells me he’s in the most episodes after the P’s and Leo. WTF?

Back at the manor, Phoebe and Prue burn Dr. Jerk’s files. The HalliMonkeys are on the sofa being cute and eating snacks. Phoebe says she’s going to drop them off at the wildlife conservatory tomorrow, but first she has to show off her trick where she asks the monkeys what they think of evil and they become the three wise monkeys.

Piper comes out all mopey and Phoebe thinks this is a good time to show her her ground rules list which turns out to be a wishlist of all the qualities she wants in a man. Oh boy. She tells Piper that she hopes to find a man like Leo and both she and Prue are cool with him being around all the time eating all their food and making shit up.

Piper throws the last of the files into the fire and sadly says “his” name was Curtis. Phoebe is like, “who dat?” This woman. Piper tells them about all the facts she read about Dr. Jerk in his medical file and says she feels responsible for his death. She sads away to her bedroom and sits on her bed to sad more. Leo tinkles in and holds her and her sadness.

I don’t care. I just want to see the chimps again.

Mari: I honestly don’t understand why Piper cares so much.

 

Next time on Charmed: A mysterious man brings chaos to the city in S03 E21 – Apocalypse, Not.