Dawson’s Creek S04 E04 – College plans lead to booze

Previously: A storm forced Dawson and Pacey to use their fucking words.
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Future Tense

Kirsti: We open in Joey’s bedroom. Pacey’s reading 1984 and declares himself to be bored. There’s no point, he says, in reading about the future when it’s already the past. He grumbles about how people in the 1950s got totally caught up in what the future would be like, and then 1984 wasn’t that bad. “Except for that whole Boy George thing…” he says, and DAMMIT, PACEY. Now I want to watch The Wedding Singer…

Democracy Diva: I never NOT want to watch The Wedding Singer.

K: Agreed. It’s possibly the greatest film to come out of the late 90s.

He moves a cushion and uncovers a giant stack of A4 envelopes. He asks what they are, and Joey claims they’re junk mail. But LOL NOPE, she got a whole lot of “PLEASE COME TO OUR SCHOOL” packages from universities all over the place over the summer. Pacey sad pandas a little about the idea of Joey going away to college. She grins and sits in his lap and says she’s decided she’s going to go to “one of those fictional colleges” from a lame-ass teen TV show where it looks like the show will be over but then it turns out there’s an amazing school just down the road that all the characters get accepted to. I know I shouldn’t, but I love when they make cheesy meta references that poke fun at the show.

Diva: And I hate it when they do this, because they make fun of shows doing tropes and then just DO THE TROPES. But I still love you, Kirsti.

K: HEY YEAH YEAH YEAH.

After the credits, we’re treated to a montage of the gang each talking to a behind-the-camera guidance councillor about the college application process. Jen hasn’t started, Jack’s been focusing on football, Andie’s already finished, Joey’s freaking out, Dawson’s pissed that everyone assumes he’s going to film school, and Pacey says sadly that he’ll probably still be at Capeside High next year.

        Joey says something about how no one in her family has even applied to college before, and the councillor informs her that schools are looking for people “from diverse backgrounds” so she’s got an advantage. Bitch, please. Joey’s white and lower middle class. Having a dead mother and an imprisoned father doesn’t make her diverse.

Diva: 

K: Thank you.

College Councillor says that Joey’s fourth in her class and can apply anywhere, but that the schools she wants to apply to (the Ivy League and a handful of other super big name schools) are hella picky and rarely give people free rides. College Councillor says she totally believes Joey can be one of those people, but she should probably prepare herself not to be. Joey looks pained because OMG SHE’S ONLY FOURTH.

Diva: I’m bothered because the show keeps acting like you can only go to college with a merit scholarship. I’m not saying there’s a ton of options, but need-based scholarships exist too, show! Or Joey could just make the terrible decision to go into severe crippling debt like I did.

K: Once again, I’m grateful to the Australian government for footing the bill for my three degrees, and letting me pay it back through tax once I earn over a certain amount. At the current rate of $250 a month, I’ll stop owing them money about five years after I die, but whatever.

Outside, Drue (ugh) catches up with Jen after school. She tells him to fuck off. He’s all “LOL NOPE”, because he wants to hang out like they did back in New York: with lots of party drugs. Jen insists it will never happen because she’s not that person any more.

Leery’s Fresh Fish. (D: True life: I forgot this restaurant existed.) Dawson turns up to find Gretchen filling in an application for a bartending job. Gail returns from a fish-related crisis(?!?!), and says that Gretchen’s application looks great, but she needs to know what’s happening with her and college, because she was hoping to have a bartender who’ll stick around for a while. Gretchen awkwards that she’s on indefinite break, and Gail demands to know why. Jesus, lady. Slow your roll. Dawson interrupts to ask if Gail wants him to set tables, and that forces Gail to make a decision. She gives Gretchen the job.

Meanwhile, Mitch is taking football practice. Because in addition to being a substitute English teacher and a guidance councillor, he’s also the football coach?? I have no fucking clue what’s going on here. (D: I think he was already the football coach in some previous episode, but I still don’t know WHY.) (K: They just felt the need to shoehorn him into Capeside High somehow, but can’t quite work out where.) Jack runs some drills, then heads over to Andie when a break is called.

Andie flails because the college councillor called Harvard for her, and the admissions lady said everything looked great and also she remembered Andie’s essay out of all the thousands of essays. Jack’s all “Um. Okay?”. Mitch yells at him to get back to practice. Jack runs a drill, but lands funny and yells in pain.

Cut to the next morning. Jack’s got his arm in a sling courtesy of a dislocated shoulder. A bunch of randoms come up to commiserate and also to ask if the party’s still on. Jen’s all “What party??” and the randoms awkward that maybe it’s meant to be a surprise birthday party. Andie wants to know why Jen didn’t mention that it was her birthday, and I’m baffled by the idea that Andie still wouldn’t know when Jen’s birthday is after TWO YEARS. Jackers, thankfully, is all “Uh, my BFF’s birthday is in May. Duh”. Dawson suggests that Jen look into why people think it’s her birthday. She gets “I KNOW EXACTLY WHO TO BLAME” face and rushes off.

Potter B&B. Joey asks Bessie what the hell it means when you dream that  your teeth are receding back into your head and experts are all “Huh.”. Bessie says it means she needs to stop stressing about college because she’ll get in somewhere amazing. Joey thought that too, until she spoke to College Councillor. She worries that she’ll just be throwing away the application money.

WAIT. WAIT WAIT WAIT. Y’all have to PAY to even APPLY to colleges? WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS THAT. No, seriously. WHAT. EVEN. IS THAT. Here’s how university applications work in Australia:

1. Submit your list of preferences to a centralised body. For free. And it’s literally just a list of preferences. No essays, no getting judged on your extracurriculars, no bonuses if your parents went there or you’re super rich.
2. Get your year 12 results. For free.
3. Adjust your list of preferences based on results. For free.
4. Get an offer based on your scores and preferences. I know a handful of people who didn’t get their first preference, and most of those were able to, like, take a year of science and then transfer into veterinary science.
5. Attend university. The government pays your fees – which are like $5000-$7500 a year for undergrad depending on what you’re studying – and you pay them back (interest free) through tax once you earn over $52,000 a year. Or if you choose to pay upfront, you get a 10% discount on your fees.

BOOM.

Diva: America is doing this wrong. You guys are better at all the things, and I am jealous.

K: I mean, we have a way smaller population, but still.

Anysegue.

Bessie tells Joey to talk to Pacey about it. Joey insists that she can’t because Pacey’s barely going to graduate. Bessie shrugs and says that going to a good college will open up paths to all the dreams Joey’s always had, and maybe she’ll find out they’re Pacey’s dreams too. Joey sad pandas and we fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, Jen tells Drue that his actions are unacceptable. Legit, girl. Drue gives zero fucks because it’s been a great way for him to get to know people. He tells her to think of it as “an omnibus retroactive birthday celebration” to make up for all the parties they missed in the past two years and to help get her out of her break up funk.

Diva: No high school student in the history of the universe has ever used the word “omnibus.”

K: Nope.

Besides, he’s giving people a reason to celebrate. Also, if she doesn’t show up to what everyone thinks is her birthday party, people will think she’s a bitch. Then he tells her to “spiff yourself up a little” before she gets there, and UGH. He’s just the worst, and needs to be punched in the junk.

Meanwhile, Jack and Andie are on the main street. She gives him a spiel about how getting injured is a great opportunity to catch up on his college applications, and Jack’s all “OR NOT” because he’s in pain. Andie says she wants to go to the bookstore because even though it’s Jen’s fake birthday, you can’t show up empty handed.

Cut to Leery’s Fresh Fish. Dawson grumbles about having to eat at the restaurant again, and Gail’s all “POOR YOU AND YOUR FOUR STAR CUISINE”. You tell that little shit, Gail. Dawson asks how Gretchen’s doing as bartender, and apparently she’s great but Gail still thinks she’s going to bail and go back to college. Dawson’s all “Or maybe college sucks?”. He calls it “prison, with a better meal plan“, and now I really want an Orange is the New Black crossover thing where Dawson the Human Ken Doll gets stuck in the middle of the war between Vee and Red…

Diva: 10/10, would watch.

K: Honestly, I’d watch anything where Dawson the Human Ken Doll gets hurt, but thank you.

Anyway, he says he just wishes people would say what they mean, like that the “education” part of higher education is kind of LOL-worthy and really people just go to college to get laid and get plastered. Uh, okay. (D: Also, those things are not mutually exclusive with getting an education. Lots of people drink, have sex, AND learn things at college.) Gail takes that opportunity to suggest that the fact that all the colleges he’s applying to are over 1,000 miles away means he’s running away from his problems. He suggests that they should have foreseen their film-obsessed son wanting to go to school in California. Gail doesn’t buy it, and says it’s fine if he wants to go to school on the west coast, but he should make sure it’s because he WANTS to and not because he wants to make sure there’s maximum distance between him and Joey.

Diva: And also, isn’t he currently going through his “I no longer want my lifelong dream of being a filmmaker” phase? But he’s still playing that card when it suits him? I don’t know why I’m surprised.

K: EXCELLENT POINT. What a twat.

Meanwhile, Joey’s telling Pacey about her wah-worthy problems. He tunes out half way through because they’re the first worldiest of first world problems, and Joey randomly announces that they’re going to go to Jen’s “birthday” instead of sitting around the house. Pacey’s all “Uh. Okay?” because it’s a pretty contrivance-laden jump.

Party. Jen – who HASN’T changed her clothes. High five, girl – tells Dawson that on a good day, Drue’s basically Ferris Bueller.

Diva: This offends me deeply. Ferris Bueller is SO MUCH BETTER than Drue. 

K: Ferris Bueller is better than basically every fictional teen guy ever.

She also tells him that Drue’s not her ex-boyfriend, but he’s an ex-something. She’s not sure how much he remembers though, because they were both “chemically altered at the time“. Joey and Pacey arrive and grab some drinks. He tells her she shouldn’t drink because she can’t hold her booze, and I was about to rant about it, but then Joey just stares him down until he stops talking, then she grabs her drink and walks off. High five, girl. (D: So many girl power high fives in this episode! I’m into it.) Fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, Jen tracks down Drue and says she has a theory that this isn’t his house. Drue’s all “Whaaaaaaat??” and plays innocent. Their conversation continues, but I’m too distracted by the girl in the background who’s wearing A VELVET BIKINI WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK. Apparently no one bothers to screencap season 4, so I took a photo of my TV screen for you. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Diva: This is priceless.

K: I’m so confused by this. SO CONFUSED.

Anyway, Jen says that the kicker to this whole thing is that if the cops show up, all anyone will remember is that it was her birthday party and therefore she’ll be blamed for it. He stares her down a little, and says that the first half of her theory is right. This isn’t his house, because his house isn’t the sort of place that would impress anyone in Capeside, including her. He walks away, and Jen looks thoughtful.

Meanwhile, Joey’s grabbing more punch. Dawson comes up and asks if being fourth in the class is that bad. Apparently yes, because she’s been busting her ass for years and has nothing to show for it. Joey insists she doesn’t want to talk about college, and Dawson implies that she’s throwing away her future by drinking punch?? IDEK, you guys. He’s an asshat controlled by a flattened blonde spider.

Drue and some others set up a poker game. He asks Pacey if he wants in, then teases him about needing to ask permission from Joey first. Then he says that Joey’s gone off with Jen, so it’s totally fine for Pacey to join in. He does. Jen and Joey, meanwhile, are down on a boardwalk. Joey makes a drunken toast to Jen that somehow ends up being a drunken ramble about whether or not they’re friends that ends in Joey drunkenly hugging Jen.

       Diva: Shouldn’t Jen be more worried about a drunk girl sitting on the edge of the dock? Isn’t that how Abby died? Why does no one remember Abby?

K: SERIOUSLY. Jen, of all people, should remember Abby.

Jen asks if Joey knows where Drue lives, and Joey informs her that Drue and his mother live in an apartment at the Rich White Men Yacht Club after his father ran off with a hippy. Jen looks thoughtful some more. Back at the party, Jack’s totally judgey because Andie bought Jen a book about getting into college. I’m totally judgey because random chunks of Andie’s hair are crimped and the rest is curled. Girl. No.

Diva: My notes simply read, “ANDIE’S PARTY HAIR,” underlined three times. It must have required a curling iron, a crimper, and a partial lobotomy.

K: A+ assessment. I tried to take a photo of my television again, but it couldn’t capture the full horror.

Andie says the book is super helpful, and Jack says that not everyone wants to spend their whole lives thinking about college. He wishes she’d stop giving him grief about his applications, because he just lost the only thing that helps him fit in at Capeside High and he doesn’t need her lecturing him right now. He walks off, and Andie looks sad.

Andie locates Jen and Joey on the boardwalk. Jen asks where Jack is, and Andie says he’s avoiding her. She asks if she’s too controlling, and the answer is a resounding YES. Andie sad pandas. Jen suggests they head back in to the party, but Joey insists they all tell the truth about where they see themselves in five years first. Jen wants to be starting her Masters, Andie says she’ll probably be working in PR, and Joey doesn’t have an answer.

Jen comes up one for her, and says Joey will have an Ivy League degree and be working at a quirky art gallery in New York, because “New York is finishing school for cynics like us.” Joey insists she’s not a cynic, and Andie cracks up. Then she makes the others promise to meet up again in five years to see if any of their predictions came true, and now I have finale feels. They head back inside.

Back at the party, Jack asks Dawson if they’re the only two people not having fun. Dawson suggests that maybe everyone else is pretending to have fun because that’s what you’re meant to have at parties like this, and this is basically why I spent my high school years hiding in my room, reading. (D: Cosign.) Jack mopes about how you think something in your life is the actual worst, but then when it’s gone you miss it. Dawson stares at Joey. Ugh.

Meanwhile, the poker game has become strip poker. Joey appears just in time to see a girl removing her shirt, and is all “PACEY WHAT THE EFF”. He insists that it started out as regular poker and that it’s totally harmless. Joey decides to play too. Which makes Pacey insist that they’re leaving. He tells her to stand up, then scoops her up in a fireman lift and walks out. Joey protests. Dawson looks disapproving and we fade to black.

    After the Not Commercial Break, the party’s over. Jen and Drue are sitting on a table, lit birthday cake next to them. It’s a total rip off of Sixteen Candles, except that Drue is no Jake Ryan. (D: This is almost word-for-word what my notes say.) She thanks him for the party, and says she’s sorry about his parents splitting up. He gives her a little box with a bow on the top and tells her to open her present. She laughs and does, then stops in shock because it’s a couple of ecstasy tablets.

Jen’s all “What the fuck?” and Drue insists that people don’t change that much so he knows she’s lying about giving up her bad girl ways. Jen snaps that people DO change. They grow up and realise that leaving a pretty corpse behind isn’t a great way to go. She gives him back the pills, but he places the box on the table “for safe keeping” and gives her eyebrows of innuendo.

House of McPheelings. Jack’s trying to one-handedly toss a football in his room. Andie comes in to make sure he got home okay. She apologises, and insists that she’s not as obsessed with the future as he thinks she is. She’s kind of freaking out about how in the next 12 months her entire life will change, and says that when everything gets uncertain, she looks for things she can fix. Jack insists that she can’t fix him, and that she has to let him make his own path.

Also, she has to stop trying to control the uncontrollable, like where either of them will end up going for college. Andie sad pandas, because EW UNCONTROLLABLE THINGS but also because college means they won’t be at the same school any more. Jack teases her a little, and they have some sibling banter and it’s adorable.

    Potter B&B. Pacey opens the car door for Joey, but she’s all “I can’t walk :(“. He doesn’t fall for her sad panda routine, and helps her out of the car. Joey says she feels crappy, and he points out that she’ll feel worse in the morning AND still won’t be any closer to getting accepted to an Ivy League school.

Joey says she’s been doing some thinking and maybe what she really wants is to stay in Capeside. Pacey’s all “Hahaha, NO YOU DON’T.” She snaps that she wants to stay and be with him. Pacey sighs, and says that staying in Capeside to be with him would be really fucking dumb, because he plans on being wherever she gets accepted to college. Awww. Cutie patooties.

    He walks her to the door while telling her that she’s destined for academic greatness while he’s circling the academic drain (Pacey, sweetie. You just got an A in the last episode…), and that alcohol doesn’t solve problems, it just makes them go away for a little while. Joey eyerolls a lot and it’s kind of great. He finishes it off by saying he didn’t fall in love with a moron, and Joey gets all swoony and grin-y because he’s in love with her.

She kisses him and it’s adorable, and then Pacey’s all “BTW, still not going to carry you inside”. She whispers in his ear and bats her eyelids and gives him puppy dog eyes, then kisses him again until he relents. He scoops her up and carries her to the door and everything is adorable because my OTP is the cutest OTP of all the OTPs.

Meanwhile, The Human Ken Doll is back at Leery’s Fresh Fish. He finds Gretchen closing up. She thanks him for his help getting the job, and says she owes him one. She grabs a glass, and he asks for a rain cheque. But it’s not for booze. She says for every quarter she gets in the glass, he has to tell her something that’s bothering him. Obviously, she’s a quarter-dropping fiend and gets them all in.

Dawson reluctantly starts talking. He says that Gail accused him of running away from his problems by picking schools in California. He’s not sure if she’s right or not. He’s seen how much Joey loves Pacey, but seeing them fight over strip poker at the party – having seen them fight every day since the first grade – was worse than seeing them kiss and be in love.

Gretchen says that she took a film class in college and it was awesome. Her teacher said that “There’s no place like home” was the most bogus line in cinema, because it has nothing to do with the rest of the story in The Wizard of Oz. You make friends along the way, and learn that you’re already everything you want to be. Dawson wants to know why she’s back in Capeside if college is so great, and she smirks that he’s not allowed to ask questions. He wants to know if questions are acceptable if he can get a quarter in the glass. She refuses because she worked super hard for those quarters. They continue bickering as we fade to black.

This was…eh. The teen movie references were ridiculously heavy handed. I give zero fucks about Drue’s white boy problems OR Dawson’s white boy problems. Joey’s white girl problems aren’t a whole lot more interesting. Really, the highlights of this episode were the Bechdel test passing girl talk, Jack and Andie’s sibling chat at the end, and my OTP being the cutest, even if one of them was shitfaced.

Diva: This was nearing “Beer Bad” levels of awful anti-alcohol PSAs, or maybe Katie Holmes just can’t act drunk. Either way, this episode didn’t have much of a purpose.

 

Next time on Dawson’s Creek: Gail works out why she’s been nauseated for like a million episodes in a row in S04 E05 – A Family Way.