Previously: The Doctor met up with Donna again, and they chased down a woman who was turning fat into adorable little squishes, and everything was glorious. Also, ROSE!
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Kirsti: First things first: if that post title brings up all kinds of horrible childhood memories for you, WELCOME TO THE CLUB. For those of you who looked at it and went “Whut”, just know that Caecilius was an actual resident of Pompeii, and he and his family form the basis of the first book in the Cambridge Latin Course, used to teach children all over the world – including me – a dead language since 1970. In short, how could I not?!
Marines: Those of us who were never forced to learn a dead language still commiserate with your childhood trauma. The Snark HQ liquor cabinet is open and well stocked.
K: Thank you.
Anyway. The Doctor pops his head out of the TARDIS and announces to Donna with a grin that they’re in Ancient Rome. She flails excitedly as some soldiers wander past in lorica segmentata, and hugs the Doctor. They both grin like idiots. Then she spots a sign that’s in English, and demands to know if he’s taking the piss and has brought her to Epcot. (M: Bless.) He assures her that the TARDIS translates things, and that she’s talking Latin right now.
Donna wants to know what would happen if she spoke ACTUAL Latin when the TARDIS was busy translating her English into Latin, and the Doctor’s all “Huh. I have no idea.” She decides to try it, and approaches a shopkeeper. He asks what he can get for her, and she replies “Veni, vidi, vici?”
He does the “oh, a foreigner, let me speak slowly” thing and tells her he doesn’t speak Celtic. The Doctor informs her that the shopkeeper thinks she sounds Welsh. Donna looks offended. They wander off down the street, and are followed by Amy Pond Karen Gillan playing a Roman priestess. (M: WUH. I never knew this!) Donna asks the Doctor if their clothes are super weird for Ancient Rome, and he’s all “Nah” because apparently anything goes in Rome.
The Doctor suddenly realises that surely they should have spotted the Pantheon or the Colosseum by now, and steers them off in a different direction. Donna looks off into the distance and wants to know why there’s only one big hill in sight when Rome is built on seven hills. Just then, the ground shakes. Donna pales as she realises there’s only one mountain and it has smoke coming out of the top of it. “Pompeii. We’re in Pompeii. And it’s volcano day…” the Doctor says, eyes wide.
DOO WEE OOO!
After the credits, Karen Gillan runs through the streets to a temple full of other women in red with weird make up. She genuflects and begs audience with the high priestess. The slightly-higher-than-Karen-Gillan priestess, Sister Spurrina, is all “LOL NOPE” and wants to know what she has to tell the high priestess. She announces that the blue box has come, just like the prophecies said it would. The zoomy cameraman earns his lunch money filming reactions to this news.
Elsewhere, Donna and the Doctor run through the streets only to find that the TARDIS has gone. The Doctor runs over to the shopkeeper from earlier and asks if he’s seen it. He’s all “Oh yeah, I sold it.” The Doctor’s outraged and asks who he sold it to. The shopkeeper tells him to take it up with Caecilius and gives him directions to Caecilius’ house. They rush off. Then the Doctor rushes back to ask why the fuck Caecilius would want a big blue wooden box.
Mari: Cute, but dude, just go ask Caecilius.
K: Nah. Too obvious.
With that, we cut to Caecilius’ house, where Caecilius non est in horto, Caecilius est in atrio (sorry. It just slipped out). “Modern art!” he proclaims. He’s also Peter Capaldi, because apparently this episode really wants me to suffer Recapper Brain Meltdown.
Mari: This show is too much.
K: Truth.
Caecilius flails over his new modern art, then sends his slave off to get him some gross Roman snacks. His wife, Metella, is unimpressed by their new blue box.
Caecilius says they’re moving up in the world because Lucius Dextrus is coming over, and their daughter is “about to be elevated“. Said daughter begs him not to go on about it. Metella is pissed because if they’d moved to Rome, their daughter could have been a Vestal Virgin, but nooooo. Their son, Quintus, walks in and makes Eyebrows of Innuendo over Vestal Virgins. Metella orders him to apologise to the household gods.
Just then, the ground shakes again. Caecilius yells at everyone to get to their places. Quintus eyerolls. They all rush around, grabbing various objects d’art before they crash to the ground. Metella blames Quintus. He begrudgingly makes a hungover apology to the household gods. Caecilius does the “and where were you last night?” dad thing (M: With origins is ancient Pompeii!), and Metella says that Quintus had better clean himself up before Lucius Malfoy Dextrus arrives, and also PS. your sister is better than you because she’s helping raise our status.
Metella grabs Evalina’s hand to show off an eye drawn on the back of it, then orders Evalina to “practice” for the sisterhood. This involves leaning over the heat vent for the hypocaust and inhaling the fumes. Lovely. Evalina has a vision of what’s basically a Transformer made of rock and lava.
Back in the street, the Doctor says he’s found the way to Caecilius’ house. Donna gives zero fucks – she’s too busy coming up with a plan to evacuate Pompeii. The Doctor informs her that Pompeii is a fixed point in time, and there’s nothing they can do. She’s not on board with the idea of him being in charge, and it’s glorious.
Mari: I love her so much.
K: Same. If you don’t love Donna Noble, you’re wrong.
He says they need to find the TARDIS and get the fuck out, Donna’s all “LOL NOPE” because she’s going to warn people. The Doctor shouts that they’ll call her a soothsayer and ignore her. Donna’s going to try anyway. They run off. Karen Gillan appears and very dramatically covers her eyes with her hands. She has eyes painted on the back of her hands, like Evalina. Apparently eye hands let the priestesses communicate with each other??
Mari: And fancy hand movements is how you dial?
K: Clearly.
Karen Gillan fills Sister Spurrina in. Another priestess rushes up to Sister Spurrina to tell her they’ve found the prophecy about the TARDIS, which said that it “the box would appear at the time of storms, and fire, and betrayal.” Cheerful. From behind a gauzy curtain, the high priestess croakily yells that the prophecy is wrong. She predicts an awesomesauce future for Pompeii. The ground shakes again, which apparently means the gods approve.
Back at Caecilius’, everyone rushes around to save the art again. The Doctor arrives just in time to save a bust. He introduces himself as Spartacus (Dude. Really?), and Caecilius assumes he and Donna are married. They’re both all “EW, NO”, so Caecilius assumes they’re siblings because they look so much alike. They look confused. Legit. The Doctor asks what Caecilius does, and he’s a marble supplier. The Doctor immediately waves the psychic paper, and claims to be a marble inspector.
He says he’ll have to take the TARDIS away for an inspection, and Donna’s all “Yes, and while we’re doing that, why don’t you all go on a nice holiday far away from the volcano?” The Doctor drags her aside and informs her that the Romans don’t even have a word for volcano yet. He tells her she needs to stop. Donna’s all “Bitch, please” because she’s not some moony eyed young thing like he’s used to travelling with, and she’s not going to let everyone die.
Just then, Lucius arrives. In a classic case of BRITAIN, I recognise him from Sherlock, Ashes to Ashes, Bleak House, Nicholas Nickleby, and Being Human. Caecilius greets him, and Lucius speaks in riddles. The Doctor gives “WTF?” face, and answers with more riddles. Lucius glares at him. The Doctor says they were just leaving, and drags Donna off. But just as they get to the TARDIS, Caecilius uncovers what Lucius has come for. It’s basically a bigass marble computer circuit. The Doctor steers Donna back to join everyone else.
Donna wants to know where the design came from, and Lucius says it was him. The Doctor explains to Donna that Lucius is the city’s official future predictor. Evalina staggers out to say that Donna and the Doctor are mocking everyone with their words. Lucius glares about someone else being able to See things, and Metella explains that she’s promised to the Sybilline Sisterhood. Lucius borrows some misogyny shots from Supernatural and snaps that women’s prophecies are super boring and only men can see the interesting stuff. Donna’s head snaps around and she’s all “COME AT ME, BRO”, because she’s the best.
The ground shakes again. Lucius tells Donna that the mountain god is pissed at her. The Doctor says Evalina doesn’t look well. Evalina sways back and forth a little, and asks if that’s “your opinion, as a doctor?” He looks startled, and she tells him that’s his name, that Donna calls herself Noble, and that they come from hella far away. The Doctor’s impressed. Lucius says women soothsayers make shit up all the time. The Doctor says that’s not what’s happening this time, and that Lucius has been one upped.
“Is that so, man from Gallifrey?” Lucius snaps. The Doctor’s all “Ohhhhh shit”. Lucius calls Donna “daughter of London“, and says that Pompeii has a gift – every oracle tells the truth. Donna says it’s impossible. “Doctor, she is returning,” Lucius says. Then he turns to Donna and tells her she has something on her back. FORESHADOWING SHOTS! Evalina says that the Doctor’s name is a lie, that his true name is hidden in the Medusa Cascade, and that he’s a “lord of time“. Then she faints. Look, this whole scene was ridiculously dramatic, but I kind of love it.
K: Just when you think you know what’s going on, SOOTHSAYERS.
Cut to Metella tending to Evalina in another room. Donna watches as Metella unwraps a bandage on Evalina’s arm. Underneath, her arm is black. Metella asks for Donna’s opinion on it, and Donna touches it hesitantly before saying “…it’s stone“. Meanwhile, the Doctor is pulling the cover off the hypocaust. As he peers into it, Caecilius gushes that their hypocausts are more advanced than Rome. After a big earthquake 17 years earlier, he says, the soothsayers came up with the idea to tap into the hot springs from Vesuvius.
The Doctor asks about a weird noise coming from the hypocaust, and Caecilius basically shrugs and says it’s the gods of the underworld. The Doctor asks if it was after the earthquake that the soothsayers’ prophecies started coming true. It was. He realises that by breathing in hypocaust vapours as part of their rituals, all the soothsayers are inhaling tiny bits of Vesuvius itself. And yet none of them have made a prediction about the following day, Volcano Day.
The Doctor quickly bribes Quintus to take him to Lucius’ house. Quintus leads him through the streets with a “Don’t tell my dad“. The Doctor climbs through a window, and Quintus follows. They find an entire wall of marble computer circuits, all from different marble suppliers. Quintus asks what the hell Lucius is building, and Lucius enternounces that “We’re building the future, as dictated by the gods.” The Doctor raises an eyebrow.
Back at Caecilius’, Evalina’s recovered. She laughs at the sight of Donna in a Roman outfit. Donna asks what teenage girls do for fun in Pompeii, but Evalina has zero life because she’s promised to the sisterhood. Donna asks what she sees happening the following day, and Evalina says there’s nothing out of the ordinary. Donna says quietly that she has a prophecy too. Evalina covers her eyes.
We cut to the sisterhood all covering their eyes. Donna’s words echo around them as she tells Evalina that the mountain is going to explode tomorrow and everyone will die. Evalina refuses to believe it. Spurrina is shocked to hear a new prophecy. She fills the high priestess in, and the high priestess says Donna must die.
Lucius’. The Doctor moves the circuit panels around, and is all “TA DAAAA!”. Lucius is all “The fuck is that?”. The Doctor gloats a little about the soothsayer not knowing, then says it’s an energy converter. But of what, he has no idea. He happy puppies that he loves not knowing things because it keeps him on his toes, and says that being a soothsayer and knowing the future all the time must be the ubersuck.
He asks who gave Lucius the instructions for the circuit panels, and Lucius orders his guards to kill the Doctor and Quintus. The Doctor lunges forward under Lucius’ cloak and grabs his arm. There’s a snapping sound, and then the Doctor reappears holding Lucius’ snapped off stone arm in his hand. Dude. You just ripped a guy’s arm off. What the fuck.
Mari: At least look a little remorseful.
K: RIGHT??
Lucius flips his cloak back, and we can see that his whole right side has turned to stone, just like Evalina’s arm. The Doctor declares Lucius to be “armless enough” (ha), then tosses his arm back to him. While Lucius fumbles, Quintus makes his escape. The Doctor follows, after sonic-ing the circuit panels. They run. Lucius realises the panels are undamaged and yells into the hypocaust for the lord of the mountain to show itself. He sees the same Transformer beastie as Evalina.
The Doctor tells Quintus that they’re safe and can stop running. Quintus asks if Evalina’s turning to stone too. Before the Doctor can answer, the ground starts shaking. But instead of an earthquake, it’s massive footsteps.
The Doctor realises that they’re coming from underground. He runs back to Caecilius’ house, Quintus following. He arrives at Caecilius’ just in time to usher everyone away from the hypocaust before the Transformer bursts through it. A slave declares himself to be blessed to see the gods, and the Transformer incinerates him. The Doctor yells at Donna and Quintus to get some water. They rush off.
He tries to talk to the Transformer, asking who it is. Donna returns with water, but is grabbed by Karen Gillan and a couple of other sister soothsayers and dragged away. Quintus and a slave return with buckets and throw water at the Transformer. Its fire goes out and it crumbles to the floor. The Doctor wibbles to himself about its composition. Metella calls him a bad omen. The Doctor snaps that Quintus was brilliant and isn’t anyone going to thank him? He calls out for Donna and realises that she’s gone.
Donna, meanwhile, is tied to a sacrificial altar. Spurrina stands over her with a knife, and Donna’s all “ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS??”. Spurrina lifts the knife, and the Doctor’s all “Um, hi?”. All the priestesses freak because dudes aren’t allowed in their super secret clubhouse. He tells them that he met the Sibyl, who founded their religion and she was pretty damned cool. He sonics Donna free, and proceeds to tell the sisters that the Sibyl would be pissed at them all for fucking up her religion and making it about hate and murder.
From behind her lacy wafting curtain, the high priestess demands to talk to him. The Doctor asks where her wisdom comes from, and she says “the gods whisper to me“. The Doctor pulls the curtain aside, and the high priestess is entirely stone. Donna’s horrified. (M: Me too.) The Doctor asks if it hurts, and the high priestess gratingly says that it’s necessary. The gods told her so.
While Donna demands to know if this is what’s going to happen to Evalina (yes), the Doctor joins some dots. He demands to speak to the creature growing inside the high priestess. She suddenly speaks in two voices at once – her own, plus a deeper one. The Doctor demands to know its name, and the high priestess finally answers: “Pyrovile“. He realises that the Transformer at Caecilius’ was a fully grown Pyrovile. The high priestess is a half-way stage. He pulls out a yellow water pistol and declares himself to be armed.
Mari: I don’t even want to know why the Doctor was carrying around a spare water pistol.
K: Pockets, Mari. They’re bigger on the inside. You can carry anything you could ever need.
He tells Donna to get the nearest hypocaust grate open. The rest of the sisters chant “Pyrovile” over and over again in the background as Donna rushes off. The Doctor aims his water pistol at the high priestess, and demands to know what the Pyrovile are doing there. The high priestess says they arrived from the heavens, but were turned to dust in the process. They’ve been waiting thousands of years to be reborn. Seventeen years ago, after the earthquake, they found a way into the minds of the soothsayers.
He wants to know how they have the power to see through time, because that’s totes not normal. But before the high priestess can answer, Donna announces that she’s got the grate open. He tells her they’re going down there to work out why the sisters can’t see Volcano Day. Spurrina yells that the water pistol is harmless, and the sisters lunge forward. But the Doctor squirts the high priestess – she shrieks a little – and dives into the hypocaust.
Down in the hypocaust, Donna says “You fought her off with a water pistol. I bloody love you“. If you don’t love Donna Noble, you’re wrong. (M: Objectively.) The Doctor leads the way further into the tunnels, and tells Donna that they’re going into the volcano. She’s not on board, but follows anyway.
Back upstairs, the high priestess shrieks that the prophecy must advance. At his villa, Lucius repeats the words, then orders one of his slaves to summon the Cult of Vulcan. Then he says they have to go to the mountain because Vesuvius is waiting.
Caecilius blows out the candles as dawn arrives. “Even the longest night must end,” he says. I glare at my TV a little because my brain automatically turned that into “Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise”, and it always takes me days to get Les Miserables out of my head. Aaaaaaaanyway. Metella asks what Evalina can see. Quintus tells Metella to leave her alone, but Evalina closes her eyes anyway. The zoomy cameraman does his thing as she says tearfully that someone has to make a terrible choice.
Hypocaust. Donna wants to know why the Doctor can’t stop the volcano if it’s being set off by aliens. He says it’s still part of history. She points out that she was too, and he still saved her. He says Pompeii is different. It’s a fixed point. He sees the universe that way – what has to be, what must not be, and what could be. “That’s the burden of a Time Lord, Donna,” he says. And he’s the last one.
Donna demands to know how many people died. Reluctantly, he tells her it was 20,000. She asks if he can see that and if he’s okay with it. Before he can answer, there’s a roar from behind them. He says the Pyroviles know they’re there, and leads her deeper into the hypocaust.
Cut to Lucius grumpy-facing his way towards the mountain, followed by a bunch of circuit-carrying minions. He shouts for the mountain to accept his offering and show him the gods of the underworld. A giant Pyrovile walks out of a cave in the mountain, and look, I’m going to be perfectly honest: I really want to keep calling them Transformers. It seems much more accurate.
Meanwhile, Donna and the Doctor are creeping through the fires of Mount Doom Vesuvius. It’s full of Pyroviles. The Doctor pulls out an old school spy glass and looks around the cavern. He spots an escape pod-y thing full of circuit boards on the other side of the space, and informs Donna that it’s how the Pyroviles arrived. Donna postulates that maybe they’re going to use the volcano erupting as a way of launching themselves back into space. The Doctor says it’s worse than that.
Just then, Lucius yells out “HEATHENS!” from across the cavern. He tells the Pyroviles that the icky humans will defile their temple. The Doctor steers Donna towards the escape pod, using his water pistol on Pyroviles that try to stop them. He asks Lucius what the Pyroviles’ plan is. Lucius tells him they’re going to create an empire, just like Rome.
Donna wants to know why they can’t just go home. Lucius shouts that Pyrovillia is gone. The Doctor’s all “…HOW CAN IT BE GONE?” Lucius shouts that it was taken, and that all the water on Earth can boil so won’t be a threat to the Pyroviles. The Doctor’s all “Whole planet’s in danger? COOL, THAT’S MY JAM.” He sonics the door on the escape pod closed.
Mari: Can’t save Pompeii; WILL SAVE THE WORLD.
K: The world clearly isn’t a fixed point.
Inside the pod, Donna channels Chandler Bing: “Could we be any more trapped?“. The Doctor wibbles about the circuitry, saying that it’s to weld humans and Pyroviles together. Also, Vesuvius will never erupt because the Pyroviles are stealing all its power. That’s why the soothsayers can’t see anything. Donna asks if he can stop them. He tells her that he can, but only by making Vesuvius erupt.
If Pompeii survives, the whole world will be converted to Pyroviles. All they have to do is push a lever and it’ll all be over. He puts his hands on the lever, then stops. “Twenty thousand people…” he says, a horrified look on his face. After a second, Donna tearfully puts her hands over his. They look at each other, then push the lever.
Everyone with Pyrovile parts stiffens. Lucius and the high priestess scream “NOOOOO!“. “A new prophecy!” Spurrina says. Evalina cries that the future is changing. Lucius and the Pyroviles burn. Vesuvius erupts. Because it’s poor form to kill the Doctor and his companion, the escape pod gets shot out the top of the volcano, accompanied by Donna’s screams.
Caecilius stares up at the sky in horror, then yells at everyone to get out of the house. But it’s too late. It starts collapsing around them. Donna and the Doctor land safely and run through the chaotic streets. The high priestess screams some more. Spurrina yells that she lied to them, and that this is what was meant to be.
Ash falls on Pompeii. Donna cries and screams for everyone to go to the hills because the beach isn’t safe. The Doctor grabs her hand and they run some more. They reach Caecilius’ villa to find the whole family cowering in a corner. Caecilius begs the Doctor to save them. He stares at them for a minute, then runs for the TARDIS. Donna screams that he can’t leave. The TARDIS starts to vworp vworp, and she runs inside after him.
“YOU CAN’T JUST LEAVE THEM!” she screams. The Doctor coldly says that he’s put history back in place and everyone gets to die, just like they were supposed to. She cries it’s not fair, and he agrees. She mentions Gallifrey having burnt, and the Doctor in a kind of tearful manic rage snaps that that’s exactly the point. If he could go back and save Gallifrey, he would. But he can’t. He can never go back. Donna begs him to just save someone. Not the whole town. Just someone.
Mari: ME TOO. We saw this a bit last episode as well, but I mostly remember Donna by her sass. It’s all her “Donna-Human-No” that sticks with me, but she has all these soft moments that Tate sells the crap out of. If you think about where we start with Nine in New Who and how we’ve reached this moment where a companion is basically begging the Doctor to save people, it really speaks a lot about what the Doctor has gone through as well.
K: YES.
Caecilius and family cower and cry as their house collapses around them. Then there’s a vworp vworp and a bright white light. They look up in awe as the TARDIS reappears. The door opens and the Doctor appears. The zoomy cameraman earns his salary as the Doctor – backlit with white light – holds out his hand. “Come with me,” he says. Caecilius reaches out and grabs the Doctor’s hand.
Cut to smoke and lava overtaking Pompeii. On a hill above the town, Caecilius and family watch the destruction in horror. “It’s never forgotten, Caecilius,” the Doctor tells him. Yes, the stories will fade. But Pompeii will be rediscovered and everyone will remember him. (In the form of millions of school children around the globe cursing his name on a daily basis, but sure.)
Donna asks Evalina if she can see the future any more, and she can’t. The Doctor provides a contrivance-laden explanation: the explosion was so powerful it created a tiny rift in time that echoed back into the Pyrovile alternate history. That’s what let her see the future. Now it’s gone. Um. Okay. Evalina looks relieved.
Metella asks who the fuck the Doctor is, really. He says he was never here, and tells them not to tell anyone about him. Caecilius looks at the destruction and says Vulcan must be super pissed to have done all this. It’s positively…volcanic. I can’t help but think of Buffy, and Andrew’s confusion over what a vulcanologist does. Metella sobs into his chest. Quintus takes Evalina’s hand and they stare out at Pompeii.
Donna and the Doctor slip back into the TARDIS. She thanks him for what he did. “You were right. Sometimes I need someone,” he tells her. He welcomes her aboard, and they smile at each other before vworp vworping away.
Cut to Rome, six months later. Caecilius has a fancy new villa. He tells Metella that if he gets a new contract with the Egyptians, they’ll be stinking rich. Then he does a “you’re not going out in THAT” routine to Evalina, who’s wearing a knee length gown. Quintus is “a student of the physical sciences“, which Metella says is basically a doctor. She tells him to give thanks to the household gods before he leaves. He heads over to the shrine and offers his genuine thanks with a smile. The camera pans up to show us that the shrine now features Donna, the Doctor, and the TARDIS. Fade to black.
I really love this episode. Like, a lot. Sure, the Pyrovile plotline is a bit sketchy at times. But I love how much genuine history they included in this. The acting from Tennant and Tate throughout was A+. Peter Capaldi was excellent, as is to be expected. And I love how much of a humanising influence Donna has on the Doctor. Basically, this episode is great. Great acting and writing, great guest stars, plus lots of feels and humorous moments. In short, YAAAAAAAAS.
Next time on Doctor Who: The Doctor and Donna take a little visit to the Planet of the Ood and it goes not well in S04 E03 – Planet of the Ood.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
