Supernatural S05 E05 – What’s a VIN number?

Previously: We saw the future and it involved the Devil wearing an ugly white suit.
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Fallen Idols

Samantha: Confession time. Whenever I rewatch this show I usually skip the teaser at the beginning, if it doesn’t have the boys in it. Why? Because at one point I developed a weird fear that someday I will be the person in a teaser-like situation. Yes, I am aware that monsters are not real but also you never know, you know? They always end bad and bloody and I’ve just taken to avoiding them. The things I do because I love you all.

Kirsti: This one was particularly nasty, so I appreciate your dedication.

Samantha: Sooooooo this one opens with two men in a garage where a car is under a blanket. One of the guys is all “No way. You found it?” And the other guy is like “Yup,” and takes off the blanket, which, rude. The car was trying to take a nap! Rude Awakener says that the numbers match and that this is the right car. Idk, you guys, it’s a silver sports car with the number 130 written big on the doors and hood. Rude Awakener gets into the car and goes to turn it on, but his friend thinks they should record the moment.

While he’s gone, Rude Awakener finds that he can suddenly see his breath and the radio flicks on. Friend guy is turning on his camera when he hears the car crash into something. He goes recording into the garage where Rude Awakener’s forehead is smashed into the windshield. (K: Like, LITERALLY. The windshield is IN his forehead. It’s nasty.) Which is sort of like my reaction when anyone wakes me from a nap, so I get it. Blood drips down the car and we see the words “Little Bastard” written on it.

BLOOOOOOOOOOOD!

The Impala is cruising down a highway at night. Sam is questioning why they’re taking a job right now, when the Apocalypse is happening. Dean thinks that since they can’t find the Colt, they may as well take a case and “end of discussion”s Sam, who looks annoyed. Dean relents a little and explains that he thinks they need to practice being a team again and that a normal case is just the thing. Sam says okay but you can tell that he doesn’t really meeeeaaaaaan it.

K: I hated this whole exchange about why they’re working a one off case instead of focusing on the Apocalypse. We never got explanations as to why they weren’t looking for John or the Yellow Eyed Demon or trying to stop Dean’s demon deal or trying to stop seals being broken. Why add it in now?!

Samantha: It’s just after this exchange that I see the words “Special Guest Star: Paris Hilton” on the screen, so everbody buckle up.

Marines: Just dropping in to add that this is the third show we’ve covered that Paris Hilton has guest starred in, added to Veronica Mars and The OC. Three makes it A THING. 

Samantha: The boys are in FBI mode and introduce themselves to the local sheriff, who tells them that it’s too late, they booked the guy who killed Rude Awakener. He shows them the footage we saw the friend filming in the teaser and the boys look a him like he’s a moron. The sheriff thinks that the bff, Jim, killed Cal but Sam and Dean are all “that makes no sense” and he’s all “but drugs?” Sheriff Dumbass goes on, “Whatever it looks like, that’s what it usually is. It’s simple.” This episode aired six years ago, but this is a scary relevant police mind set to our current cultural climate. (K: YUP.)

We cut to the boys interviewing Bff Jim, who explains to them what he heard while he was getting the camera. He thinks that the car did it because of the curse. The boys wonder what curse and Bff Jim says that the car is “Little Bastard”. Dean freaks out but Sam plays the part of me and asks wtf that is. Dean explains that it’s James Dean’s car, the one he was killed in. “Oh, we are definitely checking this out,” Dean fanboys to Sam.

Cut to Murder Garage where Sam asks further questions about the curse. Dean says that everyone who owned the car after James Dean died of a car related injury. The car vanished in the ’70s but Dean thinks that if this really is “Little Bastard” then it’s what killed Rude Awakener. Dean says that Rude Awakener matched the VIN numbers but the only way to prove it is to match the engine numbers. I have no idea if this is legit because I know nothing about this entire conversation. What’s a VIN number? Do cars never get new engines? IDK.

K: VIN is vehicle identification number (I think)?? Whatever, the contrivance is strong with this one. 

Samantha: Cut to the boys, with their suit jackets now off, staring nervously at the car. Sam offers to do it but Dean feels like he needs to. He says (to the car), “Okay baby, I’m not going to hurt you. So don’t hurt me.” I get a little sad cause he usually calls the Impala “baby”. Whatever, okay, so I have issues. He gets under the car with one of those tiny half pencils in his mouth. Huh. I thought engines were under a car’s hood.

  

As he looks at the engine number the car creaks ominously round him and he gets Panicked Face. After some more funny fear from Dean he finally gets the number on the paper and gets out. Why didn’t he just call the number out and have Sam write it down, thereby getting out faster?

K: Or, like, WRITE THE NUMBERS DOWN RATHER THAN MAKING A RUBBING OF IT? It’s, like, five numbers. You’d be in and out in two seconds. (S: Preach.)

Samantha: He hands the paper off to Sam and tells him to find out who’s owned it all the way back to 1955. Sam looks askance at all the research but Dean just says, “Well it looks like I just made your afternoon,” and hops off to the bar.

Oh no. Dean is chatting up some girl and pretends to be an agent and it’s gross. Stop Dean. Stop. He gets a call from Sam who has discovered that the car is a fake “Little Bastard”. Sammy also gets mad that Dean is in a bar while he has been working. They wonder what killed the guy.

Cut to a house where a professor looking man is writing at a desk as his housekeeper comes in to say goodnight. As soon as she leaves professor man gets ice breath and hears a creaking noise. He turns and is stunned at what he sees: Abraham Lincoln, yo. He expresses some stilted surprise at this and the Abe growls and honestly it’s pretty creepy. He grabs him by the throat and then we cut to the patented SPN blood splatter.

Sam and Dean arrive on the scene where the sheriff is trying to make sense of it all. He lands on a professional kill and Sam and Dean just can’t believe this guy. They ask to speak to the witness and the sheriff says, “She’s not making any sense. And she’s not making any sense in Spanish either.” This guy does kind of suck.

The boys move outside where the housekeeper is clearly distraught. Sam tries to interpret what she’s saying with his freshman year Spanish knowledge. A tall man with a beard and long coat and a stovepipe hat. Dean mentions that Lincoln used to wear one and the maid cries as she confirms that President Lincoln killed Mr. Hill. The boys look baffled.

K: This whole conversation in Spanish made me deeply uncomfortable. I mean, I get that she’s upset and would likely revert to Spanish because it’s faster. But to bumble through with freshman Spanish and play acting and repeating “muy alto” over and over again? Weird. Also, Sam pronounces “muy” like moo-ee, and NO. My Spanish is basically limited to “Quisiera una daiquiri fresa, por favor”, and my pronunciation is still better than his. 

Samantha: Yeah, I was crazy uncomfortable too. Cringey.

Motel O’ the Week. They’re each doing research on laptops. Dean’s going over the “Little Bastard” footage when he sees something new. It’s the reflection of James Dean in one of the tire rims. They come to the conclusion that it must be famous ghosts killing their fans when they realize that professor guy was a Lincoln nut. Dean wonders why these famous ghosts are haunting Canton and it’s at this moment I realize this episode is supposed to take place near-ish me in Ohio. Neat, I guess. Sam takes to google and the boys are all “You’ve gotta be kidding me,” at what they find.

Cut to A COMPLETELY CREEPY WAX ABRAHAM LINCOLN. Shit. I am not down for a wax museum visit at the Snark Squad convention. (K: NOPE.) The boys look around at the wax figures and Dean takes a moment to mock Gandhi for being short. Sam defends Gandhi.

The owner comes in and claims that it’s a busy day, despite it being 4 in the afternoon and vacant. Today, Sam and Dean are masquerading as writers for a travel magazine about “how totally non sucky wax museums are.”  The owners eyes light up enthusiastically. I always feel bad when this is their guise because you know that owner is looking for the article and needs the boost and they’re usually just a struggling small business owner. I mean, I know it’s for the greater good and they have to lie, but what if the owner told their friends and family about it, you know?

K: Legit. Or if their business went bankrupt and they ended up homeless because the boys killed some evil beastie there and then just walked away from the mess.

Samantha: Anyway, the boys ask if professor guy and Rude Awakener were regulars and the owner says that they were. Dean then starts off praising the life-like Lincoln and then awkward segues into asking if Owner has ever seen it move around. The awkward supernatural related questions are some of my favorite little moments. Owner has not seen anything like that but says that they do have real artifacts, such as Abe’s hat and James Dean’s key chain. I am unsure about this because why would some random wax museum in no where Ohio (no offense to my state) have valuable artifacts from important people? How? But, okay, whatever. The boys conclude that this counts as remains.

K: No whatever. I refuse to whatever. I know for a fact that Abraham Lincoln’s top hat is in the Smithsonian. There’s no way legitimate items of cultural significance would be housed in this shitty little wax museum with zero security. NO. WAY.

Samantha: Sam finishes packing up the Impala and comes in to the motel room. Dean is on the phone with his back to the door. He’s talking about how maybe the Apocalypse has gotten the ghosts all worked up and ends with “yeah, well, we all know who’s fault that it.” Obviously Sammy heard all of this.

He shuts the door so Dean knows he’s there, and the latter quickly hangs up the phone. Sam asks if they’re going to just pretend that he didn’t hear what he heard. Dean responds, “Pretend or don’t pretend, whatever floats your boat.” OMFG. This is so frustrating. Dean is in the right to be mad but it’s also so exasperating. I’m usually on board with being mad at Sam, because he almost always deserves it, but here it just felt grating. Sam rightly points out that this was supposed to be a fresh start, as said by Dean. Dean’s all “….whatevs, I’m inconsistent sometimes for plot and stuff.”

The frustrating boys are armed and in the museum. Dean decides to try on the Lincoln hat.

    So I notice that in that gif set it specifies that Dean lowers his voice to imitate Lincoln. Did you know that Lincoln actually had a higher voice, much like a tea kettle? I just did a Presidents program and the things you learn, yo.

K: I actually did know that! I’m a little embarrassed to say that I know that from reading Michael Crichton’s Timeline. The powers that run the company want a big scale historical event to film and show everyone to prove how awesome their product is, and someone goes and films the Gettysburg Address, and the powers that run the company are all “THE FUCK DOES LINCOLN SOUND LIKE”. (S: Lol.)

Samantha: So, they put the hat in a garbage can to be torched and my historical loving heart is a little sad. Dean goes to get the keychain and Sam is now alone in a creepy ass wax museum, so you know some shit is about to happen. Sure enough, the doors slam shut, Sam’s breath can be seen, and his gun goes flying out of his hand because they never hold those things tight enough. Gandhi leaps on Sam’s back and they begin fighting, with Sam looking hella confused. Dean busts in with an incredulous,  “Is that Gandhi? Dude is squirrelly.” He grabs the glasses off of the figure and throws them in with the rest of the stuff. He lights it on fire and Gandhi disappears.

After a Not!Commercial break we’re back at the Motel of the Week. Dean is packing but Sam is expressing concern over how Gandhi bit it because it wasn’t the way ghosts usually go. Sam also thinks Gandhi was trying to take a bite out of him. This is extra weird because apparently Gandhi was a fruitarian, which Dean finds hilarious. He tells Sam “You’re not steering this boat” and is ready to head out, despite Sam’s reservations. Sam announces that this isn’t going to work, and I don’t know how I’m going to recap this conversation, they’re both being annoying.

Here it is: Sam wanted back in but Dean’s the one who called him back in. Dean thinks they still have trust building to do but Sam wants to know how long he’s on probation for. Dean wants to know if he’s supposed to just let Sam off the hook. No way, Sam says, I deserve it but this team has to be a two way street and it was never that way, even before. Sam says that one of the reasons he went off with Ruby was to get away from Dean and I went from annoyed to #DeanFeels really quick. OMG Sam, no. He says that he’s not blaming Dean, it’s his (Sam’s) fault, but they can’t fall into the same rut. He doesn’t always want to feel like the kid brother. Maybe this is just my Oldest Sibling brain but uggggghhhhhh Sam. THANKFULLY the phone rings because of course this case isn’t over yet.

K: I concur with all of that, with an added side of getting mad because WHO THE FUCK UNPACKS THEIR STUFF INTO THE CHEST OF DRAWERS AT A MOTEL?

Samantha: They head into the police station where two teenage girls are crying because someone took their friend, Danielle. When the boys ask who it was, they are shocked to learn that it was Paris Hilton. She looked “thin and fast” according to the girl. This, of course, means that it cannot be a ghost as Paris Hilton is definitely alive.

Sam’s wearing scrubs in the morgue, going over the files again. He spots something strange, grabs a scalpel, and slices into one of the bodies. Blegh. He reaches deep inside and after too many squicky noises, pulls out some small seeds.

K: Who the hell let Sam do an autopsy? Dude was pre-law.  

Samantha: Walking out of the police station, Sam tells Dean that he missed how much blood loss there was. More blood than should have occurred with the injuries. He shows him the seeds and says that they’re unlike anything he’s ever seen before. “Wow, just when I thought you couldn’t get any geekier,” Dean says, semi-fondly.

Back at the motel, Sam has discovered what the seeds are. They’re seeds from a forest in the Balkans that was chopped down 30 years ago. I am wondering what and how he Googled to end up there.

K: SERIOUSLY. I miss the days in season 1 where they’d head to a random local college and go ask the anthropology/botany/weird creepy shit professor for assistance. It would have made so much more sense here.

Samantha: The forest was guarded by a god named Leshi, who could take on infinite forms. He was appeased by the blood of his worshipers. To kill him, you have to chop off his head with a iron ax. “Let’s go gank ourselves a Paris Hilton!”  Dean says.

We head back to the wax museum, which is even creepier at night. They wander around for a bit until they find a display that’s under renovations. (K: Of course. Because this dinky little wax museum with almost no customers could afford that…) They go inside and find the kidnapped teenage girl tied to a fake tree. She’s alive but unconscious. It’s at this moment that the ax, the only thing that can kill Leshi, goes flying out of Dean’s hands cause it’s time for the fight scene. Dean turns and Paris Hilton start wailing on him and slams Sam into a pillar, knocking him out. “Awesome,” she says, as she stomps Dean into unconsciousness with her pretty blue heels.

Listen, I am not here to hate on Paris Hilton. I have no feels towards her. But she’s honestly not a good actor so it’s weird that she keeps popping up on shows. First Veronica Mars and The OC and now here. I mean, she did that movie, House of Wax, with JarPad so maybe that was her in? Also, here’s the nod to this being an episode about wax figurines and Jared and Paris being in that movie together.

K: My notes just say “Unsure if better or worse than Paris Hilton in VMars…”

Samantha: So, anyway, the boys come to and are tied to trees as well. Paris is sharpening her nails on some giant rusty knife. She says that she’s excited to do the ritual right finally and prepare a slow meal. Her face flickers weirdly to remind us that this is a face changing god. She explains that she has been scrounging for scraps for years, but after someone tripped the Apocalypse she figured wth. Sam points out that the people she’s eating aren’t actually her fans but she “whatever”s it. Paris as Leshi then makes some meta commentary.

    Dean does the smart ass thing and tells Paris that she can’t eat him, he’s not her fan. “I’m not a Paris Hilton bff. I’ve never even seen House of Wax.” The camera cuts to Sam/Jared who makes awkward face and I genuinely laugh. Show meta makes me happy.

    K: My favourite Supernatural meta moment is still Sam’s awkwardness in Hollywood Babylon when Gilmore Girls is mentioned, but this is pretty great too. (S: BEST BEST BEST BEST.)

Samantha: Paris agrees with him but says that she knows that his dad is his hero. She goes over the the ax that belonged to Papa Winchester to change into his form. But, before that can happen, Dean gets loose of his ties because JDM ain’t never coming back to Supernatural. Paris and Dean fight a bit before Sam gets free and lops her head off. “Dude. You just got wailed on by Paris Hilton,” Sam chuckles, with blood all over his face.

The next day the boys are loading up the Impala and talking about how Kidnapped Girl is going to be alright. This transitions into Dean telling Sam that he was right, he is keeping too tight a leash on him. After all, he (Dean) did break the first seal and neither of them knew what they were doing. He comforts Sam a little about breaking the final seal and apologizes. They decide they’re gonna go down fighting and then Dean offers Sammy the keys to the Impala. You know, to show forgiveness and growth and stuff. The rock music starts as the boys get into the car and drive off.

This episode always falls low middle of the pack for me, in what I consider a pretty strong season. I know that they had to have Sam and Dean have unresolved issues but something about the way it’s handled in this episode felt very forced and cyclical. I don’t even have anything else to say really cause it’s just meh.

K: Pretty much exactly. And the thing is, if JDM *had* come back for this one episode and the boys had had to fight their father? That would have led to a much stronger episode than what we got. Sigh. 

 

Next time on Supernatural:  Sam and Dean meet a strange little boy in S05 E06 – I Believe the Children Are Our Future.