Previously: Summer saw Seth and Anna suspiciously hugging.
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The Party Favor
Dim: Hi everyone, time for the potted history of The OC and me- I LOVE this show! At age 17, this was my life. I laughed, I cried, I flunked my AS levels due to bingeing on the boxsets instead of studying. I even wrote an article about it for my school magazine entitled “The OC: why we’ve all gone Obsessive Compulsive over Orange County.” I’m actually not allowed to watch any of the dramatic episodes, or the final episode, because I cry so much that my sister always rushes in from wherever she is to see if I’ve finally impaled myself on one of the glass swans that my parents are so fond of. (I’m very clumsy, it could happen.)
Marines: This might be the best The OC and Me opener we’ve had yet. Congratulations and stay safe around those swans.
Dim: After leaving the theme song/home screen on loop for 20 minutes while I faffed around setting up my laptop, my boyfriend’s first words were “so where is it set?”
The previouslies were too long and convoluted to recap sooo, here we go!
Seth and Ryan have bro time on the pier (pier bro time is the best time, I ship Seth and Ryan!). Seth tries to explain the Summer situation, which as far as I can see/recall is that he is a massive liar who let Summer believe that he was cheating on her with Anna rather than just admit that he didn’t get into Brown. He then makes a kind of weird rape whistle joke, which I feel wouldn’t be allowed if this show was set now.
They handily exposit that Senior Prom is coming up so that we can know what sort of party is going to be the stage for the obligatory punch-up. Seth is trying to convince Summer to go with him and has made a date with her tomorrow by pretending to be the Brown admissions guy. Ryan tells Seth that he and Theresa are friends now and Seth suggests that he ask her to the prom. Ryan says he probably shouldn’t go with Marissa “as friends”, should he? Well done, Ryan; this is what is known as learning from the past. You may be the first TV character in history to have done so.
Mari: It’s season 3, episode 23, though, so don’t let it go to your head.
Dim: Anyway, Seth points out that she’s probably going with the “surf Nazi”, Volchok. And he doesn’t even know about the whole ‘Sound of Music, why can’t my boyfriend be more like Rolfe?’ thing from last episode! Nice one, Seth. Anyway, naturally as they say this the camera pans to Volchok making out with a random woman, who may be (as Seth suggests) his “dirty cousin” but somehow I doubt it.
Californiaaaa, here we coooome! *Dim subtly wipes away first tear of the episode*
After some beach shots that make me resentful AF that it’s December and I’m in London, we cut to the diner. Summer comes in, wearing a dress I probably tried to find online at the time, and realises that Seth tricked her into meeting him, because the best way to apologise for lying is to lie again.
And again.
Mari: I used to love Seth so much. Most episodes, I don’t even understand why.
Dim: We cut to Ryan and Theresa playfully arguing about when their first kiss was. Ryan invites her to prom.
Next up is Marissa and Volchok, kissing in his weirdly lit, red cellophane-y apartment. She invites him to prom.
Back to Sethummer. Summeth? Robohen? Was this set in a time before obligatory portmanteaux? I no longer remember this time. He tries to bribe her to stay with pancakes. It almost works until she sees that he has written “prom?” on them in chocolate chips.
Amazingly, Volchok says he hates prom. Marissa, bless her naïve cotton socks, asks him if he had “a bad prom experience”. Yes dear, your drug dealing biker boyfriend was traumatised at his last prom. Most probably someone else was wearing the same tux, and he never got over the shame of it.
Mari: I’m actually sure it’s what turned him onto drugs in the first place. Coping mechanism. (D: #backstory #PTSD #depth)
Dim: Summer accuses Seth of having cheated on her with Anna.
Back to Ryan and Theresa. She changes her mind and says yes to prom, apropos of nothing.
Volchok tells Marissa that he never made it to prom, as he didn’t get that close to graduation. He looks all sad and vulnerable. Marissa is all luvvywuvvles-y with him and he makes a noise that could signify an agreement, or that he has something in his throat.
It is at this point that I should probably confess something. Despite everything he has done (and will do!) and also despite almost his entire personality, I am kind of in love with Volchok. It’s been a problem for me ever since I watched this the first time around, over a decade ago. He was Volchok for me long before he was James from Twilight (and truthfully, I only watched Twilight because he was in it), and I just love him. He’s so hot, and he has such nice abs and that weirdly placed ear cuff. And to me at 17, the “passion” between him and Marissa was mesmerising. (In my defence, I went to an all-girls school, I was desperate.) Plus he watched The Sound of Music to see if he could be the kind of man to make her happy. (Spoiler: he definitely can’t. He is basically the exact opposite of that, times infinity.) But anyway, I have a total soft spot for him, just thought you should know.
Mari: I don’t even know how to handle this information, but probably mostly because I see James from Twilight.
Dim: Try watching the butt scene in Burlesque, it might just change your mind…
Summer tells Seth that not only will she not go to prom with him but that if they were stuck on a desert island she would eat him and feed his bones to the sharks. Dear whoever is in charge of these things, when I grow up I want to be just like Summer Roberts.
Seth calls Anna for advice (oh hello Season 1, I missed you). They discuss the situation, she blames herself, even though this is a million percent Seth’s fault. I used to really fancy Seth until he became a pathological liar and coward. I did not like his arc in this series. Anna tells him he has to tell Summer the truth. Um, duh. He of course says no because he promised he’d never lie to her again… Seth, that makes no sense, you must realise this. This is the literal definition of a vicious cycle.
Buffoon.
I don’t know if you guys have “Made in Chelsea” over there. (M: Not that I know of!) It’s an English reality show that is so bad and ridiculous that it’s amazing and I’m obsessed with it. Anyway, this reminds me strongly of when the “villain” of the show, Spencer Matthews, gets caught lying to his girlfriend (which happens every other episode, without fail) and his defence is “so I lied! It was an honest mistake!”
I do love how Seth refers to his “drug phase” though, it’s such a teenage thing to do – I have a friend who did drugs once and got a bit drunk a few times when we were teenagers and now refers to that time as her “Amy Winehouse years”, so A+ to the writers for knowing overdramatic teenagers so well. Anna points out that he has nothing to lose. Seth decides to just give up, because he’s pathetic.
Casa de Cohen, marital bedroom. Sandy knits his famous eyebrows. We learn that Kirsten and Julie had wanted all the kids over for prom photos but Ryan doesn’t have a date and Seth and Summer are in a fight (she wants to feed him to sharks Kirsten, “in a fight” is something of an understatement). Sandy wants to force them to enjoy the milestone. (Have fun dammit! I said have fun!) (M: The Eyebrows can make it happen.) Then Kirsten drops the gauntlet of “when are we going to talk about us?”, to which Sandy replies “in public again?” Ouch. She apologises because she is a mature, good TV adult and he apologises for not having listened to her sooner because so is he. I love the Cohens so much. Best fictional TV parents evah. They agree to talk after the boys leave for college. He says then they “can figure out how best to proceed” which sounds hella pre-dumpsville to me. Kirsten goes to confess to her drink after the dinner in the last episode but chickens out. Sandy tells her they’ll be fine. I’m no couples’ therapist but a hug and a kiss would go a long way here, Sandy.
At Harbor. Weird poster in the background that seems to be advertising piracy? Is this for the kids who didn’t get into uni? Considering how often taking to the sea is mooted as a way to fix your life in this show, this is a real possibility.
Taylor Townsend walks up! Yay! I love Taylor, she’s so peppy! Although I have never seen an 18 year old girl wearing a sailor suit to school before. (M: And we were just talking about pirates.) She looks like how my parents dressed me when I was too young to fight back. She claims to have a big surprise for Summer (coming from Taylor, that is terrifying). She gives Summer her and Marissa’s prom tickets, tells her the afterparty is going to be at The Bait Shop (aka the only venue in all of Newport) and that it’s “going to be such a rager”, which would be more convincing if Taylor didn’t look and sound like a Disney Princess while she was saying it. Summer doesn’t want to go but Taylor tells her to wait and see who her date is! Taylor is going with the guy from the Korean BBQ place who has “this wonderfully hairless body. It’s like hooking up with a seal.” (Did I mention that I love her? I still use her “I want to use your body as a jungle gym” line from a later episode.) I paused my TV at this point in the recap and Summer’s expression of horror exactly mirrored my boyfriend’s.
Anyway, the seal’s cousin is visiting from Seoul, he’s a major K-pop star and a model. Taylor has to explain K-pop to Summer (that would never happen now, thank you Psy). Summer rejects the idea. Taylor rightly points out that Cohen deceived her and that it is her duty as a woman to make him feel pathetic and small by going to prom with the hottest guy she can find. And apparently he is so hot that schoolgirls torch cop cars when they see him. (I don’t think this is a euphemism, but can’t be sure.) Summer concedes.
Taylor walks off and holy crap I just noticed the culottes!
In the amazing student lounge. Marissa and Ryan chat, she asks about his and Theresa’s maybe-baby and he gets all Billie Jean on her and says that the kid is not his son. He asks if she’s still with Volchok and if they’re going to prom. She describes him as “not exactly enthusiastic” but says he said yes. Did I miss that? I heard him say not just no but hell no, followed by a grunt. Clearly she is a better decipherer of slacker-speak than I am.
Mari: Doubtful. This is the girl who thought Volchok was suffering from a bad prom.
Dim: Maybe she convinced him out of shot. (I don’t like to judge but am going to assume that nudity was involved.)
Ryan gets aneurysm face because he knows about Volchok and his dirty cousin! Hmm, I wonder if Ryan will stay out of this because it doesn’t concern him and it’s not his bi’ness (ROFL). She leaves to go to class (what? They don’t go to class. Silly writers. School is just a convenient venue for chatting and punching people) and congratulates him on the Theresa thing. I feel like congratulating someone on getting a prom date is kind of rude? Just me?
Mari: Just tonight on Facebook, someone I know made their relationship Facebook official and one of the comments to the guy was, “congrats, John, she’s beautiful!” Um… weird, right? Like, thank you? I picked her out that way? IDK.
Dim: That is weird! I have seen people say ‘congratulations, she seems lovely’, which is less objectifying I guess, but still kind of odd. How can you tell if someone is lovely from a Facebook picture? “Hmm, she doesn’t appear to be kicking any puppies in this photo, and please note the lack of visible swastika tattoos… MARRY HER IMMEDIATELY!”
Casa de Cohen. Seth leaves Summer a voicemail message apologising for following her into the girls’ bathroom. It’s a credit to Adam Brody that he makes Seth so likeable, and even fanciable, considering how incredibly weaselly and nerdy he is. (M: AND LIAR-Y.) As he explains how insane the idea of Anna and him is, he opens the door to reveal Anna, who (loudly and unnecessarily) says “Hello Seth.” Oh dear.
Angry looking door. (Bad boys have metal doors doncha know? No prissy wooden doors for boys with tattoos and cigarettes!). Ryan bangs on it angrily (as you would with such an angry door).
Volchok answers. I don’t know why I fancy him so much. (M: Unintelligible, confused sounds.) Ryan confronts him about being a massive cheater. Volchok is glib and jerky (but so damn pretty. Mother, may I?) He goads Ryan. Marissa appears because there’s a snake in the shower (another euphemism?). Ryan pretends he was over to invite her for tomorrow’s prom photos and she says that she and Volchok will both be there.
Ryan finds Anna in the Cohen kitchen. I cannot take my eyes off her terrible extensions.
Mari: RIGHT? I at first thought she looked nice with long hair, until I noticed it’s just one long piece not at all blending with her short first layer of real hair. It kind of looks like she’s got a kind of mullet, with an emphasis on the party in the back.
Dim: So, so bad. This would never have happened on Gossip Girl.
They hug and comment on how grown up they are. I really enjoy Ryan’s friendships with the women he doesn’t date in the show. (M: +1) Seth enters. Anna has a plan to get Summer to go to prom with Seth. Phase 1 is her telling Summer that there’s nothing going on between them. Phase 2, in the event of Phase 1 failing, is they go to prom together, because she has a dress. No offense but these people’s plans are stupid. Seth makes a constipated face as he too realises this.
Marissa and Summer hang out in their room listening to Big Korea, Summer’s date’s band. Marissa holds up a dress that looks like a cross between Victorian bloomers and a loo roll cover. It’s a bloo roll cover. (M: So accurate.) She asks if Summer thinks Kevin (I think calling him by his first name is supposed to show how much their feelings have grown or something but it’s just annoying) will like it and Summer says “Yeah, if it rips off easy”. The world needs more Summers. Summer is concerned that her K-pop star won’t make Seth jealous enough. She brings out his napkin confession of lies (from last time he lied and swore never to lie again) and plans to give it to his parents for revenge. They discuss Anna when, dun dun duun, who should enter but Anna herself.
Aaaand the napkin of confessions is on its way to the Cohens…
Seth and Ryan are getting ready in the pool house. I rescind my earlier statement that pier bro time is the best, pool house bro time is clearly the best time. Seth is getting way too much enjoyment out of using this strange automatic shoe shiner thing he has for some reason. He explains the plan to make Summer jealous. Ryan has brushed his hair and looks like an adorable matinée idol. Anna arrives.
Summer and Marissa look at a photo of the Core Four from the good old days. Mischa Barton manages to make the bloo roll cover look pretty decent (which may be why, when I was a teenager, we all wanted to be her). (M: It had to be that because it obviously isn’t for her shining personality…)
Cut to Volchok who is struggling with his tie in front of a tiny mirror. He has “how to tie a tie” instructions. I’m sorry, I know he’s a dick, but this is just too cute. I can’t cope, I love him. Naturally he gets mad, has some beer and forgets about the tie.
Summer bows awkwardly at her date, who is Eric from Twilight!!! I was so excited when I saw this! Add him to the massive list of OC-Twilighters. (M: This is getting INSANE now.) He is also making a blue velvet jacket and ruffled shirt work surprisingly well.
All the gang show up at Casa de Cohen for their photos. Taylor looks ravishing in a red dress (this is giving me excited feels for future spoilers, you guys). The Koreans bow a lot, because stereotyping writers like to stereotype I guess. Seth adds to the casual racism by saying that Summer’s date “looks like the guy in Fullmetal Alchemist”. Upon Googling, I can confirm that Fullmetal Alchemist is a Japanese manga series in which the eponymous hero is blond. So basically, all Asians look the same, yeah?
Marissa is all happy and friendly, which is a sure sign that something terrible is about to happen. Ryan is the bigger man and welcomes Volchok politely. I love chivalrous Ryan.
Taylor congratulates Ryan on him and Seth having found dates. Why is everyone doing this? It’s RUDE you guys. Sandy swoops in to pay for Ryan and Seth’s tickets for the afterparty (it’s gonna be such a rager!). I was wondering why they bothered with this boring payment scene until *foreshadowing alert* we see Taylor put the cash into her bag, which contains everyone else’s payment too, and the camera zooms to Volchok noticing this. Subtle, guys. Oh wait, it gets worse, because Sandy then tells everyone to “put their purses on the bar” so they can all go outside (conveniently far away from the bar) for the pictures.
Sigh.
Volchok “looks for the bathroom.”
Summer puts Seth’s confession envelope/list of wrongdoings on Sandy and Kirsten’s desk.
Photo montage, with Twilight-esque music about American girls that makes me wish I was one (the plight of all British teenagers. Ok, I’m 28 but it never stops. I wanted a prom dammit! I wanted a graduation!) (M: If it makes you feel better, I didn’t go to my prom and graduation was SO LONG and mostly boring. Throwing the hats was cool, though.) (D: Nothing you can say will convince me that American high school is anything other than cruising around the place in Jeeps with hot, sporty guys, having keg parties and awesome life-defining proms. Even ones you don’t go to have to be more fun than my school’s attempts at a “mixed disco”.)
They all take photos with their dates, except Marissa who takes a solo one as Volchok is (wait for it) nowhere to be found. Ryan goes to get him and finds him sneaking some booze. He tells him not to screw up prom for Marissa.
Amazing pirate themed prom. Ah pirates, now it makes sense. Weird theme though. Marissa compliments Taylor on organising it, saying it’s better than anything she ever arranged and Taylor wholeheartedly agrees. (Oh by the way? I love her).
Seth and Anna pretend (badly) to be into each other.
Taylor chats to some woman called Lisa and mentions “Idol” and “Simon”. Using my incredible deductive skills, I am guessing that this woman was on “American Idol” and this was an exciting celebrity cameo for Americans? I’m pleading Britishness on this one, folks.
Mari: I don’t know what to plead. I have no idea who that girl was.
Dim: Marissa is gushy with Volchok, but he is grumpy. He goes to “smoke some cuuuush” (LOL). Some woman in overly light 00s lipstick is listening in. I think she is AnnaLynne McCord, from 90210 (sadly she was never in Twilight). She offers to take him somewhere private to smoke.
Old timers’ dinner. Kirsten, Sandy, Julie and Neil have dinner and reminisce about the kids and it’s sweet. Wow, Julie mentions that she was only a year older than Marissa is now when she married Jimmy. Weird. They toast to Julie and Neil’s engagement. Neil leaves to take a call. Julie wishes out loud that they’ll be as happy as Kirsten and Sandy. Oh dear. Neil’s call is deeply dodgy, and clearly concerns Sandy.
Prom, slow dance. Summer be druuuuunk, hoochie dancing against her date. Marissa is alone. Seth is watching Summer and worrying about her.
2006 Queen is Summer Roberts! She is drunkety drunk drunk. She makes a super embarrassing speech and introduces her date. Two random Korean girls scream and swoon. Summer kisses him then promptly falls off the stage.
Marissa helps her up. Seth rushes around panicking that no one is giving her a moist towelette. It’s kind of adorable.
Ryan and Theresa have a quick chat, where she tells him she’s going to break up with the guy she’s seeing because she wants to be with Ryan.
Ryan goes to find Volchok, and of course finds him canoodling with 9021-ho. (M: HA.) He tries to protect Marissa from seeing too but she finds him. Volchok (extremely rudely!) dismisses 9021-ho. Marissa slaps him and he asks her what she expected. He accuses her of bringing him just to show her rich friends how cool she is. He also refers to Ryan as a bitchboy, before storming off. Marissa does her patented attractive cryface (Dawson Leery take note).
Julie and Kirsten chat in the Cohen kitchen. Kirsten confesses to the drink last week. Julie is surprisingly supportive and tells her to talk to Sandy but Kirsten doesn’t want to use her alcoholism as blackmail to save her marriage. Bless. You can do it guys. I have faith in your love!
The Bait Shop. Rager looks appropriately ragey. Taylor chasing people around yelling at them for littering somewhat ruins the effect. Marissa starts drinking, a little late but I feel confident that she can catch up with Summer in no time. (Her superpower wasn’t a magic hip flask in Seth’s Atomic County comic for nothing.)
Seth and Anna go to check on Summer, who is passed out in a back room. Anna tells Seth to instigate Phase 3 of the plan, and explains that the first two phases were just to make him see that he has no choice, he has to tell her the truth. DUH. Anna is so wise. Not wise enough to have saved herself from those extensions though.
Seth tells the truth! Pause for effect.
He finally tells her that he didn’t get into Brown, but didn’t want her to know in case it stopped her from going. She finds that incredibly dumb, but romantic. She remembers the napkin o’ lies that his parents now have. But forgets before she can tell him, and throws up all over the place. They say their “I love yous” but as Seth points out, they can kiss later. He offers to hold her crown and she smacks him away as he admires the rigatoni she ate earlier.
Back to the oldies. Neil tells Sandy that there are rumours circulating about him and Griffin and that there will be a criminal investigation. When Kirsten asks what’s going on, Sandy tells her that everything is fine. Ah, now I see where Seth is getting it from this season. USE YOUR WORDS PEOPLE.
In a beautifully symmetric echo of EVERY OC EPISODE EVER, Marissa stands on the pier in her strapless dress looking lonely and vulnerable with her big bottle of alcohol. The American girls song from before plays some more. My bf (who’s been playing football manager on his phone the whole time) interjects at this point to ask if this song will ever end. Marissa symbolically throws her corsage into the sea.
Ryan and Theresa talk about how Marissa is stronger now (ie. she can carry bigger bottles of alcohol?) and how great it is that Ryan didn’t get into a fight with Volchok. This is not a good sign. They giggle and he shows her his jazz hands. They agree that they should take things slowly and that nothing should happen between them tonight, which obviously leads them to kissing.
Until they are abruptly interrupted by a bloodcurdling scream from Miss Taylor Townsend when she discovers that… all the money is gone! All $5000 that she left in a silk bag on a table in a huge bar full of drunk teenagers. Taylor, you’re smarter than this. Naturally the option of calling the police is vetoed (this is TV after all) as Ryan realises whodunnit.
Angry metal knocking mark 2! Ryan goes into Volchok’s flat and retrieves the purse. Volchok says that things were never going to work out with Marissa but at least now, he has Ryan alone in his flat and they can (kiss? Please say it’s kiss? Is it kiss?) fight.
Fine.
Ryan refuses. Volchok needles him, talking about how he could have Marissa on her back a week from now if he wanted to. Massive fight ensues. Volchok is weirdly pleased about this. Red plastic body bags fly around. Ryan wins the fight, beating Volchok senseless and bloody, and the screen fades to black as Ryan realises what he’s done.
THE END
If the word dramz had existed back when I watched this, it would have been used almost exclusively to describe The OC.
That was fun guys, I forgot how much I used to love this show. And I cannot wait for Season 4! Thanks for having me, Snark Ladies – you rock!
Next time on The OC: Everyone makes bad decisions hooray in S03 E24 – The Man of the Year.
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