Previously: Sydney was at the eye doctor’s office with Jenna and it was super sus.
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A Dark Ali
Marines: We start right back in the LOLPD station. The man who “kidnapped” Ali is staring creepily at the one-way window. On the other side, Detective Tanner is talking to Papa DiLaurentis. She explains that one of Ashley Marin’s neighbors saw creepy dude (Cyrus) lurking in her backyard. Tanner tells Papa D to keep his mouth shut until the cops have evidence to press charges.
Papa D asks to see his daughter. We cut to a room where Alison is having emotions while looking at a mug shot of Cyrus. Papa D comes in and asks if this is the man who hurt Alison. She makes about 37 more faces before saying she doesn’t know.
Jessica: I can’t decide if that’s just Sasha Pieterse’s acting method or if the script descriptions are so vague that that’s the only way she could possibly interpret them.
Mari: Probably a little bit of both.
Cut to the Liars being really upset that Ali didn’t come clean and now a man is being questioned for a crime he didn’t commit. Emily thinks that A is clearly behind Cyrus coming forward. Alison says that’s good because if they make Cyrus panic, make him believe he’s going down for this kidnapping, he’ll go running back to A. The Liars can follow him because apparently they think he will be literally running back to A. (J: That’s definitely what they think.) Aria says that’s a cool plan if they win and find out A’s identity. What happens if they lose, though? I think the answer is “season 6.”
SHHHHHH.
Spencer, Emily, Aria and Hanna are leaving the DiLaurentis house. Emily thinks it’s real weird that they haven’t gotten an A text about this whole Cyrus thing yet and I’m pretty sure they are telegraphing that A isn’t behind this. Aria thinks that as soon as Alison says that Cyrus was her kidnapper, the police will find evidence making that impossible so the whole world will know she’s a big, fat liar. Hanna reminds them that they are all big, fat liars. Emily asks them to keep their voices down because the police are RIGHT THERE, but Spencer just loudly jokes about being imaginary kidnapped because WHISPERING IS FOR LOSERS.
Jessica: To be fair, this is the Rosewood LOLPD we’re talking about. I don’t think those girls have ever seen them actually being competent at anything. Except crime and failing.
Mari: Aria thinks that as soon as this kidnapping story crumbles, it’s just a matter of time before they figure out what happened to Shana. Emily says that Ali won’t walk into an obvious A trap and Spencer’s like PFFT.
Jessica: If it was one of the four, I’d PFFT too. But Ali, I don’t know….
Mari: She’s more likely to be setting up traps herself.
Aria suggest that one of them go back in the house to make sure Ali doesn’t positively ID Cyrus. Everyone votes Emily.
Hanna asks after Piper Mom. They talk about that for a second before Spencer starts randomly fiddling with an envelope in her purse. It’s the envelope that has all the stuff Noel Kahn gathered on Ali while she was not-dead and not-kidnapped. Aria says that Tanner would love to get her hands on this not-dead, not-kidnapped evidence and Spencer says it’s cool because she’s got an A+ spot to hide it in. So this evidence is 100% guaranteed to be lost by the end of the episode, yes? (J: Absolutely)
Back in Ali’s bedroom, Emily is repeating the whole bit about how Ali can’t ID Cyrus. Ali says she gets it, but she also can’t say this man is innocent. Emily asks why not, but they are interrupted by Papa DiLaurentis. He asks to have a word with Ali, and she says it’s cool, because she already told Emily everything. Papa DiLaurentis is basically here to pressure Ali to ID this guy so he can be charged.
Montgomery Manse. Piper is being sad and canceling wedding plans because her fiancé turned out to be a walking pedodouche. (J: #RosewoodProblems) Aria tries to comfort her but Piper Mom is, um, uncomfortable. She saw some pedodouche signs but drove right past them. Seeing that Piper Mom isn’t going to be pep-talked out of this sadness, Aria offers to make the rest of the wedding cancellation calls for her.
Cancellation Cabin. Hanna is picking up Caleb’s mess. They are talking about A, obviously, but Caleb starts asking WTF is going on as Hanna throws away his pizza and beer and soggy nachos. Hanna says none of this stuff is good for Caleb and asks when the last time they ate a non-fried vegetable was. Caleb tells her to quit criticizing his diet and Hanna explains what’s really bothering her: Ali is controlling her life with all her lies. Hanna can’t worry about normal high school stuff like choir auditions and football games. Caleb is like, “duh. Your whole life is being stalked.” Hanna doesn’t care because she’s totally going to go to that choir auditions. True and actual plot point. Caleb even gives the camera a serious look like, “oh damn. Choir auditions.” I don’t even know what’s happening.
Jessica: Hanna’s plotline writer lost a bet recently. My best guess.
Mari: Spencer is at home and Emily is walking around the main drag. They have a phone conversation about the evidence Spencer is hiding and the fact that Rosewood’s One Coffee Shop is now tainted since Zach is a pedodouche. Emily talks about another coffee shop in town but that’s totally against all canon and I refuse to believe it.
Spencer checks in her super secret hiding spot in her chair but hey! The evidence is missing! This has never happened before!
It’s easy to best them, A, when they insist on hiding stuff IN THEIR ROOMS when all evidence points to you watching them pretty much always.
Jessica: Pretty much the only way they’d escape losing evidence is if they duct-taped it to their bodies. And even then ….
Mari: And even then.
Hanna and Caleb are out for a run. They both are fake happy to be running, which is about the same way I feel any time I’m doing exercise. Spencer pulls up in front of them and Hanna wants to run away, but the street makes a loop. Spencer gets out of her car because she’s got news on A stuff, but Hanna doesn’t want to hear it.
Next, Spencer takes her findings to someone who might care. On her surveillance video, she’s got a man coming out of the bushes. Melissa comes out of the house and hands him something. Spencer reads her lips and she’s saying, “do it. Trust me. Do it.” Somehow, we take the leap that this guy in the video is Cyrus and Melissa is working for Mona and A and maybe even ISIS who knows. (J: Best.)
Now that their latest piece of evidence is missing, Spencer wants to cut ties with Alison, go to the police and tell them the whole truth. Aria is giving Big Eyes because WHAT THE HELL. They are just supposed to march into the police station and TELL THE TRUTH? No. No way, man.
Mari: Choir Auditions. Hanna signs in and who else is there? Yep, Mona, because she’s got time to be a stalker AND have extra-curricular activities.
Pedo-partment. Aria is explaining to Ezra that Alison might say her fake-kidnapper is her real-kindapper because she thinks it’ll lead her back to A when really everyone else thinks it’ll lead Tanner to the Liars. #plot (J: #sureshow #whyisEzraonmydamnTVagain?)
Ezra doesn’t think Ali is stupid, just crazy. Aria is not convinced. He asks where Alison is because he wants to go talk to her, but Aria goes off on a rant about how he just got his stitches out so obviously he can’t talk to Alison…? Because he may pop a stitch he doesn’t even have anymore?
Jessica: Maybe she’s afraid Ali will stab Ezra. Go on buddy, play with fire!
Mari: Unfortunately for us, Ezra promises his baby girlfriend that he won’t talk to Alison.
DiLaurentis Domicile. Emily is back because Papa DiLaurentis is out, meeting with a social worker, all because his daughter is a lying liar who lies. Emily repeats the whole thing about how Alison can’t let a complete stranger go to jail for her kidnapping but Alison says Cyrus isn’t a stranger. She doesn’t know how A found him, but Alison claims Cyrus is the one who gave her the thigh scar.
Alison’s story is that she was staying with Cyrus in an abandoned basement for a while, but he was just after her stuff. We get some weird, green flashbacks and it ends with Cyrus holding a knife up at Alison.
Emily says she’s sorry those things happened, but Alison still can’t ID Cyrus as the kidnapper. It’s an A trap.
Choir auditions. Mona is warming up loudly, like a dick. Hanna snaps at her right before the last group of four students gets called into the audition room. On the way, Mona collapses. (J: Don’t feel bad though, Hanna. She deserved that snarky snap.)
Fields House. Spencer is in Emily’s room and Emily’s all UM WTF, because she told Spencer to meet her outside. Mrs. Fields let her in and made her snacks, though. (J: Is it just me, or does this episode have a lot of random health-food tangents? Were the writers told they needed to try and subliminally help viewers better their diets?) Emily isn’t keen on having a bunch of incriminating stuff in her house. This conversation is interrupted by a phone call from Noel Kahn. Spencer wants to answer because she thinks maybe Noel has more evidence they can lose. Emily grabs Spencer’s phone away because she isn’t game to rat on Alison. See, now she knows that Alison got stabbed, so she believes Alison is totally not going to ID this guy. Spencer scoffs. Emily says that anyway, their real problem is Melissa, not Alison.
Choir. Mona is coming to. Hanna is there, like a good friend, even though Mona is the worst. Mona asks after her purse so Hanna goes to fetch it, but takes a little look in it first. Inside is Cyrus’s mugshot.
Rosewood’s One Coffee Shop. Ezra is there and he spots Alison drinking alone at a table. He turns away at first but then decides promises to underaged girlfriends be damned! He sits at Ali’s table and jumps right into a speech about how Alison isn’t in this alone and her decisions affect a lot of other people. Alison says she’s going to scream if one more person tells her what to do. Papa DiLaurentis comes up and tells Ezra that he need not speak to his daughter. Ezra grabs his coffee and goes, only to find Aria look at him with hurt eyes. (J: Ezra is still the worst. Evidence was lost. This show hasn’t changed one bit.)
Papa DiLaurentis says they are running out of time to ID Cyrus. Alison wants a coffee refill.
Mona is parked outside of City Hall, doing some spy work. Hanna lets herself into the car and Mona glares us into a cut to black. Afterwards, Mona claims she didn’t set the whole Cyrus thing up, but is here to find out who did. Hanna says she isn’t leaving, so Mona says she will.
Tanner exits the City Hall building with Alison and Papa D. Mona taps into Tanner’s phone with stalker magic (J: Stalker. Magic.) and hears that the DiLaurentises are being transported somewhere for possible identification. Mona says they aren’t going to follow them, though. They are here to follow Cyrus.
I guess Aria was at One Coffee Shop to pick up left-over wedding or engagement party stuff. She’s now angrily stuffing it away into the trunk of her car while fighting with Ezra. This goes on for way too long before finally Ezra asks why she’s so upset. Aria looks sadly at a picture of Piper Mom and Zach amongst the things she’s putting away. Aria doesn’t dignify Ezra with an answer, just slams things and brats away.
Spencer is trying to sneak into her house but Melissa is waiting for her in the kitchen and knows that Spencer was in the barn. Spencer lies about looking for a sweater (“the one with the buttons“). She says she saw Melissa’s computer open on a flight search. Melissa says that’s none of Spencer’s business, but Spencer says it might be. She knows Melissa is working with Mona. Is someone making Melissa do something she doesn’t want to do? Is she trying to run away? Melissa asks if this is what it’s come to, searching each others’ rooms for answers to questions they won’t ask because of words blocking magic (I think). Melissa claims she was only working for Mona to prove to Spencer how toxic Alison is.
Girl. You were stalking and terrorizing to prove how bad someone else is?
Melissa says that they both know Alison wasn’t kidnapped. Melissa thinks Ali’s going to get what’s coming for her, and she doesn’t want Spencer standing too close when that happens. Spencer finds all this sisterly concern hard to believe, but Melissa insists it’s true. I mean, she can’t actually be honest or give any details because using your words is hard, but she does say that it isn’t safe here for either of them. Melissa invites Spencer to run away with her but LOL. Leaving Rosewood. That’s like honesty in terms of HUH? concepts for Rosewoodians.
Tanner has brought Ali and Papa DiLaurentis to the basement Ali was talking about earlier. It’s still all green but it’s now empty. As Tanner is talking about how they need Ali to identify this space, she’s having these weird screechy flashbacks. One is of Alison introducing Cyrus to some of her other basement friends while they hold hands. Another is of Alison waking up to see Cyrus walking away with her bag. He attacks her after she tries to grab it back. That’s when he cuts her with the knife, grabs her bag back, and leaves with the other Basement Girl. Alison cries.
Jessica: This was actually a pretty disturbing scene.
Mari: In the present, Alison positively IDs the basement.
Stakeout car. The girl are still waiting for Cyrus to be released. Mona and Hanna talk a little about what’s happened since Alison came back (Mona’s passing out from panic attacks and Hanna’s getting day drunk)(J: #RosewoodProblems!) and then Hanna gets a phone call from Caleb. She lies to him about eating dinner. Mona gets judgey about Hanna lying but Hanna says AS IF Mike Montgomery knows any true things about Mona.
A call comes in on the scanner. Tanner says Alison IDed the basement so Cyrus is not to be released.
Montgomery Manse. Aria is talking to Emily on the phone about how she doesn’t trust Ezra. Hahaha. Okay. Sorry. I didn’t know we were still here; I thought we were onto the freely loving him after he stalked your whole life stage. Anyway.
Piper Mom comes in with a shopping bag and Aria quickly hangs up on Emily. After some small talk about shopping, Piper Mom asks if Aria is talking to Ezra again. They have relationship chat I give zero poos about because it’s about how people can change. Piper Mom’s example includes the fact that Papa Montgomery can make pancakes now, which doesn’t really speak to a stalker changing to into a decent human being, but okay. Thankfully, this ends when Aria gets an SOS text from Hanna saying that Alison IDed Cyrus.
DiLaurentis Domicile. Emily is waiting outside. She’s heard that Ali IDed Cyrus and asks how she could’ve done this. Alison swears she has a plan but Emily says the problem is that Ali will throw them all under the bus to see it through. Emily defended Alison to Paige and to Spencer, but she’s wasted too much time on Ali. Alison begs, saying she’ll make it right, but Emily is done with her.
Marin Manor. Hanna is telling Caleb that Cyrus was released before Tanner called and he was gone in a flash. Caleb says A can still use all of this against them, but Spencer has a plan. Not a very good one, obviously, because this show. Hanna apologizes for lying to Caleb and they kiss and make up.
In the kitchen, Spencer is reminding everyone that going to the police and telling the truth is an option. Aria is like, GOD SPENCER. I GET IT. Hanna comes in all smiley because wolfy bad boy kisses. Emily comes in next and she says they need to cut ties with Ali that very night.
Woods. Cyrus meets with Alison in a wig. It was her, see? She made this deal with Cyrus. She hands over a plane ticket and threatens that she can find him again if need be, so he better use his one chance to start over. Cyrus hops in a car and drives away, but there is this prolonged zoom in on the decal on the back of the car.
Melissa sets up a camera to tape some kind of coming clean video.
A-nonymous: A watches a dog show and folds laundry. The laundry includes a candy striper uniform.
Jessica: But who won the choral audition??!!
Mari: Stay tuned for season 27 to find out.
Next time on Pretty Little Liars: A tells the Liars to act normal in S05 E11 – No One Here Can Love or Understand Me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a chronic book nerd and love storytelling in all forms. I'm particularly excited by the rise of the television show as an art form with long, cinematically beautiful plots and complex character arcs (I also watch cartoons). My travels in the past handful of years have led me through three continents and most recently landed me among the majestic mountains of Colorado. Some day I will compile all my travel journals/blogs into one place. Some day. Until then, you can find me with craft beer in hand, ready at any moment to deeply and passionately discuss survival tactics for the zombie apocalypse.
