New Moon Chapter 10 – Return to Murder Meadow

Previously: Jacob wanted to hold Bella’s hand, whether she wanted it or not.
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Annie:  This chapter opens right into the action! Woooo.

Bella is panicking because Jacob didn’t call. She quickly turns into a crazy stalker type and calls him, because he’s not calling her. Billy answers and tells her that Jacob is still in bed.

Bella continues to call incessantly over the next two days, even though she doesn’t think anyone is home at the Black’s residence. Or maybe the Blacks have caller ID so they’re not picking up the phone because you’re acting like a crazy person, Bells.

Bella can’t take a hint, so she goes over to Billy and Jacob’s to look in the windows. No one’s home, as Bella suspected, so on the way back home she decides to stop at the hospital to see if Billy and Jacob are there.

Marines: Bella expects every guy in her life to disappear and then when she shows up at their house, it is overtaken by mutant ferns. Bella, we promise: that isn’t what always happens.

Catherine: Such a set of circumstances would have to take place for that to always happen, Bella. 

Kirsti: I’d like to think that Billy’s doing what I do when the Jehovah’s Witnesses ring the doorbell – hide until they go away. 

Annie: Bella continues to be a crazy person and makes her father phone his friend Harry to see what’s up with Jacob. Charlie tells Bella that Jacob’s been to the doctors and they think he has mono. He tells her that Billy has made a strict no visitors rule until Jacob’s feeling better.

Bella goes off to look up mono on an unnamed medical website (M: fire up that Google!) (K: Let’s be real: she’s using Yahoo Directories.) because she is suspicious of Billy. Bella reads that a person can be sick with mono for a month. Bell-bells decides she can’t go that long without seeing Jacob, so she decides to give Billy a week before she starts to get ‘pushy’. Fuck right off, Bella. Billy is Jacob’s father, so you kinda have to respect his wishes, you dumbass. It’s not like Jacob is rushing to contact you. Just be cool.

Catherine: She’s already calling him constantly and stalking their house though?? What does she think ‘pushy’ means? 

Annie: But this is Bella Swan, and she can’t just be cool, because she needs a man to justify living. The week goes on and Bella whines and complains about how hard life is without Jacob to distract her. She’s having nightmares again and she’s basically useless, because there is no point in living if she doesn’t have a man paying attention to her. (M: I just hear SMeyer’s “she’s not a damsel in distress” echoing in my head.) Bella says that she wasn’t handling being alone very well. You think?

K: So basically, she only wants Jacob to be around because it makes her feel less shitty, not because she ACTUALLY wants him around.

Annie: On Saturday, Bella calls the Black residence and Billy answers. He tells her that Jacob’s feeling better and has gone out with friends for the day. Bella is upset and mopey because she thinks maybe Jacob took her advice to not waste time with her because she didn’t return Jacob’s feelings. Or maybe he’s finally realized that you are the worst and he could do so much better, Bella.

Charlie comes in to find a sad Bella. She tells Charlie that Jacob is feeling better but is busy elsewhere for the day. Charlie, starting to feel a bit panicky by the way his daughter’s acting, offers to stay home with her instead of going out fishing. He’s clearly worried that Bella is going to backslide into post-Edward MiseraBella.

K: Bella lies to him and says she’ll call Jessica, and he’s relieved. Then she follows up with this gem: “I smiled and nodded as if I cared what my other friends thought.” AS IF I CARED WHAT MY OTHER FRIENDS THOUGHT.

Annie: Bella swears she’s fine, so Charlie makes Bella promise not to go into the woods, because a hiker is missing (M: BEARS. BEARS BEARS.) (C:WEREBEARS) , then leaves to go fishing.

Bella give zero fucks about staying alive, so she heads out to the Wow. Free. Truck and drives it to the edge of the forest. She then hikes deep into the woods, because she’s all about being murdered.

Mari: I mean, she goes to the forest because she dismisses the idea of grabbing her bikes and going riding alone. Not because that’s dangerous too, but because who will drive her to the ER if she needs it? She’s stalking the crap out of Jacob because she needs her man-crutch but also, her personal ambulance.  

K: I hate her so much.

Annie: Using a compass, Bella finds the meadow. You know. That Meadow.

Bella’s bummed that the meadow doesn’t hold what she’s looking for. We get two whole pages about how the meadow now makes Bella feel sad and alone. So I’ll spare you all of that.

After she spends a good amount of time wallowing, Bella notices movement in the meadow. It’s Laurent from the first book. Remember him?

Catherine: Oh, right the guy that we saw more of than the actual villain. Gotcha. 

Annie: Laurent is surprised that the Cullens had moved on without taking their pet Bella with them. Bella tries to play it off like the Cullens aren’t gone for good, but is a bad liar. (K: As well as a bad human being) She keeps hearing a voice in her head. I guess we’re supposed to believe Edward is back again. That checks out because the voice is telling her what to do and how to react.

Catherine: Lol, he’s still controlling her all the way from Fuck Off, Italy. 

Mari: Bella found a vampire and Edward’s voice in this meadow, so things are getting better and better for her.

K: And for us, because I just made Velvet Voice Shots a thing.

Annie: Bella asks Laurent about Victoria, because she’s trying to distract him. Bad idea, Bella. Laurent tells Bella that he actually came back to Forks because he was doing a favour for Victoria. Laurent has come to scout out and find what Bella was up to, because Victoria wants to kill Bella. Laurent has decided that he’s now going to kill Bella because he has developed a case of the munchies. Oh, and because Bella’s blood smells so irresisitable.

Bella tries to talk Laurent into waiting for Victoria and then the Edward!voices in her head tell her to threaten Laurent.

Hungry vampire in your face? Try threatening the angry blood drinker! Seems like a rational course of action to save your ass.

Mari: Be reasonable, hallucination in Bella… oh. Yeah, okay. Never mind. 

Annie: Bella gives that a shot anyway, but it isn’t very effective. Laurent sniffs her again and calls her mouth-watering. Bella is scared and panicky. For someone who was so intent on dying, she certainly seems not too keen on the idea when actually faced with it.

K: I can’t stop laughing because she says that Edward’s “furious roar echoed distantly in the back of my head”, and the fact that it echoes distantly is solid proof of how empty her damned head is. 

Annie: All Bella can think about is Edward, of fucking course, and that she loooooves him. Laurent freezes in the middle of trying to sniff her again and starts to back away from Bella. A giant bear-sized wolf comes out of the woods.

Catherine: Booooo! Someone kill Bella. 

Annie: We’re not that lucky, there are way too many chapters left.

Bella is confused that Laurent is backing away from this wolf, as a bunch of these wolf-beasts come into the meadow. Laurent is continuing to back away. Bella is scared of the giant wolves that are now so close to her. Edward’s voice is continuing to bark orders at her, telling her to keep still. Instead, she jumps back and draws attention to herself. The wolf closest to her looks at her with “eyes that seemed too intelligent for a wild animal” (M: your narration is CHEATING.) and makes her think of Jacob…? She goes on this weird tangent about how at least his death won’t be on her hands? Ooookay, girl. I know this is just lazy writing on SMeyer’s part, because she’s trying to hint at what’s to come, but… COME ON.

Mari: Meyer literally uses “russet” to describe Native American skin and wolf fur. Like, girl. Try a little?

Catherine: She uses ‘russet’ A LOT in this book. Ya know when you say a word too many times in a row and it’s starts to sound weird and stops making sense? That much. 

K: And if it’s not ‘russet’, it’s ‘reddish-brown’.

Annie: Or red-brown. Or copper. And I hate her a little more each time She does this.

Anyway. Laurent runs away and Bella is confused by the fact that Laurent is afraid of the big bad wolves. The wolves take off chasing after Laurent and Bella falls down and cries.

Bella decides she has to get out of the meadow, so she panic-runs through the woods for hours. I wonder if that’s as hilarious as it sounds. I’m picturing Bella, flailing through the woods like a crazy person. A+ to SMeyer for painting brilliant visuals with her crap writing.

The whole time Bella is panic-running, she’s trying to figure out why Laurent would be afraid of five giant wolves. This is a stupid thing to me because even if he is a vampire there is only one of him and five bear-sized wolves.

Mari: Again, it’s setting up the whole special wolf thing, but there is NO NEED for all this, “but why would anyone run from 5 giant wolves????” No one reading this would really question that if Bella didn’t insist on bringing it up while panic-running for her life.

K: Whereas a real person would be running away while thinking “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!”

Annie: Bella makes it back to her truck and gets home to find Charlie there already. He knows she lied to him about where she was that day. Bella tells Charlie that she went hiking and saw the bear, but that it’s actually five giant wolves. (C:Like, in a bear suit?) (A: Standing on each other’s shoulders, yes please.) After Bella tells Charlie a censored version of what happened, Charlie calls the station to report what Bella saw.

Charlie hangs up and asks Bella if Jacob was gone for the day, because he saw Jacob arguing with some of his friends, probably four of his friends, if you can pick up on the subtle hints Smeyer is laying out for us.

Charlie says that Jacob looked ‘different’ and that Jacob’s growing all the time. I know what SMeyer is trying to do here, but have you ever know a young human male? They grow fast. One day, my 15-year-old cousin was a kid, then next he was a grown-ass man. And I’m fairly certain it’s not because he’s a werewolf. I’m pretty sure that’s just what normal young humans tend to do.

Mari: Also, this is not Charlie. There is no way Charlie is going to take this time and be like, “girl, here’s the scoop. I saw Jacob– he’s so tall! LOL.” Staaahp, Stephenie. Please.

Annie: After Charlie and Bella’s weird talk, Bella goes to check the locks on their door, because she’s worried that Laurent or Victoria will be coming for her. lol, okay, Bella! A locked door will totally keep a vampire out of your home.

Bella goes to her room and curls up ‘into a cramped ball‘ to worry. (C:Again. Why didn’t we put Bella-Ball on the bingo card! Such an opportunity.) She sort of hopes the wolves tore Laurent to shreds so he can’t tell Victoria that Bella’s all alone now.

Bella is thinking about how Victoria wants to murder her face, so she eats her fist so she won’t scream. And then falls asleep, probably.

End scene.

Next time on New Moon: Bella stalks the shit out of Jacob in Chapter 11.