Previously: A genie and a dragon warlock walk into a manor and there is no punchline.
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The Honeymoon’s Over
Stephanie: Season 3 opens with a bang. Just kidding, we’re at the Halliwell Manor as usual. Prue is in the attic, flipping through the Book of Shadows while we get some weird shots of creepy dolls and a teddy bear. I’m 3 seconds into the episode, and I’m already confused. This is going to be a great season, I can tell.
A cuckoo clock goes off and scares Prue and then Phoebe comes in and that scares her too, so much so, she magics Phoebe into some attic junk. Phoebe’s hair is now blondish, and I am not a fan. (M: Me neither. I’m sorry I complained about your old hair! Not really, but bring it back.) Anyway, Prue’s jumpy because of “the evil triad.” No clue whether or not I should know what this triad is, but it wouldn’t be an episode of Charmed if I knew what was happening, now would it? Are they the yellow robed guys? Charmednesia is real, you guys. (M: So real.)
Phoebe came up because Piper’s been gone for a month in Whitelighter Land and left her sisters to do difficult things like remember to pay the bills and take care of her stupid club. Phoebe wonders if Piper will ever come back, and says that it’s lucky they haven’t been attacked since they don’t have the complete Power of Three. Prue is worried because she thinks The Powers That Be won’t let Piper come back thanks to all the times they’ve abused their powers. But I thought you could just preface magic with, “this is not for personal gain,” and then that makes everything okay?
Marines: No take backsies, TPTB(c). They said “not for personal gain” so that’s that.
Stephanie: Morris calls with information about a murder suspect that may be connected to a demon. He’s been carving triangles into his victim’s foreheads and magically evading arrest. Prue uses a fax of the triangle mark to find a match in the Book. It belongs The Guardians, a group of demons that protects killers in exchange for the souls of their victims. Prue warns Morris, but he’s determined to go after the killer anyway. I’m laughing at Morris because he appears to be undercover at a rave, wearing a muscle shirt. He follows the killer out into an alleyway where he’s promptly kicked unconscious. The killer picks up Morris’s cellphone and makes a weird face at it before hanging up. Prue and Phoebe rush out to rescue Morris by staking the guardian like a vampire.
Back in the Rave Alleyway, the killer is about to carve into Morris’s head with a wavy knife, the kind you only see when people are about to do demonic things, when a woman comes out and yells. The killer goes after her, stabs her, and carves a triangle into her head. The triangle glows, and the woman’s soul-smoke floats out of her and into the Guardian who briefly pops out of the Killer for his soul-snack.
The 2 P’s make their way through the rave and find Killer ready to make his mark on Morris. Prue magics him away and the Guardian comes floating out. Prue then magics a convenient stake through him, but it doesn’t work since he’s made from terrible, transparent special effects. She tries again, this time getting him through his forehead triangle mark and he’s vanquished with more terrible special effects. Looks like we shouldn’t hope for any improvements in that department this season.
I AM THE SAHN. (Now with Julian McMahon.)
Nighttime establishing shots and sinister music lead us back to the Rave Alleyway where the Guardian’s victim is being zipped into a body bag. A paramedic checks on Morris and says he’s okay thanks to the P’s fighting away the killer. The girls do their usual “WE’RE NOT WITCHES” suspicious behavior in response. When the paramedic is gone, Morris says that he needs witness statements from the P’s, but they can’t because they used their powers.
Mari: I honestly don’t get why every other time they were around a crime, it didn’t matter but THIS TIME. They have to be witnesses! Have to be! I mean, I do get it: contrivance.
Stephanie: The killer smiles all creepy as he gets pushed into a cop car and Prue wonders what he’s smiling about since his Guardian is gone. Phoebe points out that their guardian is gone too and wonders again what they’re going to do about it just as Julian McCole walks up. I wasn’t expecting him to show up so soon in the episode. He introduces himself as the assistant district attorney, while Phoebe looks at him all, “haaay.” He asks if either of the P’s saw what happened and Phoebe enthusiastically volunteers herself as a witness. And so begins the relationship I’m sure I’m going to loath.
Courthouse. Phoebe is trying to describe the murder weapon to Cole without giving away that it’s a Mystical Wavy Knife. Cole thinks they have enough to put the killer on trial even without the weapon. The judge comes in and the court proceedings unfold with much courtroom yelling and objections. Unfortunately, Prue and Phoebe’s witness accounts are not enough to make up for the missing weapon after all and the judge dismisses the case. The killer is creepy smiling again at this good news so Cole grabs him and shakes in a very unprofessional way. Morris puts a stop to that and the Smiling Killer leaves still smiling. Cole tries to get some more info out of Phoebe, but Prue drags her away before her lust for the hot lawyer has her giving away all their secrets.
Manor. Phoebe is upset about not telling the truth during the trial, but Prue thinks that would have been the perfect way to get themselves locked up. For some reason, Phoebe thinks that Smiling Killer’s public defender knew they had magical powers all based on one metaphor he made about the murder knife going poof. What Prue wants to know is if he’s mortal or demon. Then Phoebe randomly switches to how swoon-worthy Cole was during the trial. The dialogue in this show switches between so many topics at lightning speed in the most unnatural way. “Witch problems! Demons! Bills! The club! Did you see that hottie tho?” = Charmed dialogue. (M: Meanwhile the plot is the background going, “la la la la. Weeeeee!”) Prue notes that Cole’s butt was pretty cute. But he was wearing a suit that covered everything so I don’t know what she’s on about.
Suddenly, the tinkle tinkle of Whitelighter bad effects comes on and Piper and Leo appear mid-argument. Piper freezes Leo and walks out to go to the club without stopping to say anything to her sisters. Leo unfreezes and Phoebe starts yelling at him about disappearing. Prue shushes her and sets Leo up with the task of finding information on Guardians. Phoebe grabs the car keys so she can go continue her yelling at Piper, but Prue decides she should be the one to do it since she’s the level headed one. Doesn’t matter since either way we’ll have to sit through a scene where Piper complains about whatever went on in the clouds.
P^3. Piper is scurrying around, wondering why everything is out of order in her club after being away for a day. Turns out time in the Land of Whitelighters moves differently. Prue says she’s still not free from being scolded by her sisters even though it’s totally not her fault that this happened. I mean, this is probably something Leo should have brought up beforehand, but that would be difficult when the the writers are making stuff up as they go. Also, this makes no sense because Leo is constantly tinkle tinkling without being away for months at a time. So is he just going to Whitelighter Land for 3 minute sessions before poofing back into the land of mortals?
Mari: Is it because she’s human? Does time only move this way in between seasons and because Phoebe had to dye her hair bad colors?
Stephanie: Interesting theories but we’ll never get the answers to these questions. Thankfully I don’t care too much.
Anyway, Prue wants to know what happened while Piper was away. Piper says that it’s all getting fuzzier the longer she’s back, but she remembers feeling peaceful until The Powers That Be threatened to reassign Leo if they didn’t break up. Piper get’s misty and says that she feels like she’s being punished just because things didn’t work out between her mom and her Whitelighter. The Charmednesia is still fogging my brain, so I only kind of remember what she’s referencing, but not really.
Mari: I remember some, too! An older man in a shack, near a body of water where some of the sisters almost drowned.
Stephanie: Oh, right. And everyone thought he was way creepy because he liked alone time like a big introverted weirdo.
Meanwhile, Phoebe is at school when Cole sneaks up behind her and taps her on the shoulder. Phoebe overreacts by spinning around to kick-punch (seriously, she has a fist and a leg in the air) him in the head, but he grabs her leg. They stay in this weird position for way too long, awkwardly apologizing to each other before Cole finally sets her leg down. He’s there to see if she has any more information that can help with the Smiling Killer case. He says that he can “sense” she’s struggling with the truth. I only briefly hate watched Charmed as a kid, so I don’t really remember much about Cole’s character, except that I think he’s supposed to be the Spike to Phoebe’s Buffy, so I’m over-analyzing every word he says to find evil clues.
Mari: When you put it that way, I hate him already.
Stephanie: He hands her his probably evil card and tells her to call if she thinks of anything. As he walks away, Phoebe watches his evil butt and it’s super weird because his suit jacket is covering all the goodies. What is she even looking at? (M: Some sweet, sweet tailoring?) Anyway, the card gives Phoebe a vision of Cole with a freshly carved triangle on his forehead.
P^3. Phoebe shows up to tell the other P’s about her vision of Cole. Piper is confused by everything that’s been happening without her, including Phoebe’s new hair.
Courthouse. Smiling Killer comes in and tells a man that we can’t fully see that he needs a new Guardian. Hidden man leans forward from the shadows, and in a not so exciting twist, he’s the judge. The judge magics the wavy knife into his hand and tells Smiling Killer that he needs to take care of Cole.
Police Department. Cole is trying to get more information out of Morris, but Morris is too busy trying to catch their murder suspect again. Cole asks why Morris called the P’s the night before. Morris lies that he wanted to tell them about the rave since they own a club. Cole’s cell rings and it’s Phoebe. She tells him that they need to talk, During the call, Cole keeps making smarmy looks at Morris and I’m not entirely sure why he’s antagonizing him right now. Probably ‘cause he’s evil and stuff. (M: You’re good at this.) (S: Thanks, Charmed has helped with my critical thinking and analysis skills.)
Parking lot. Cole walks to his car while Smiling Killer lurks around with his wavy knife. He sneaks up behind Cole and knocks him in the back of the head. He’s not very good at this killing thing. Smiling Killer hovers over Cole for way too long not doing anything, giving the P’s time to scare him away with their car. They rush out and as Phoebe is about to land one of her poorly choreographed kicks, she floats up into the air. She exclaims that it’s an active power. I really hope we don’t have to watch Phoebe floating around all season. It was bad enough the last episode. Charmednesia may take away important plot points, but the not so special effects stay burned in the brain forever.
The Guardian begins to rise up out of Smiling Killer, and Prue magics the knife through his head, vanquishing him AGAIN. Do all the Guardians just look the same, or is this actually the same guy? The P’s rush over to check on a confused Cole.
Manor. Sappy music swells as Piper finds Leo practicing romantic lines in front of the bathroom mirror.
After the not-break, Piper is rushing downstairs away from Leo. She doesn’t believe he’s serious since he just proposed to her next to a romantic toilet. Leo explains that marriage would work because TPTB can’t break apart a “holy union.” This nonsense is so nonsensical, that even Encylopedia Leo can hardly explain how it works. (M: I almost choked when he actually said, “I don’t know how it all works…“) Apparently, if they elope, TPTB can’t stop them because a Holy Union trumps TBTB’s powers. Something like that. Piper is not thrilled with the prospect of elopement as a way to fix their problems rather than because they love each other. Leo thinks it’s meant to be because they were married in the future. Let’s just pretend that they weren’t also split up in the future.
Mari: YOU REMEMBERED!
Stephanie: YEEEEES. This show hasn’t left me completely brain dead after all!
Piper declines the proposal, teary eyed, as Prue and Phoebe come barging in, ready to get that non-existent information on the Guardians. Piper walks away all sad and Leo tinkle tinkles away to finally do his stupid job.
Back at the police department, Morris and Cole have Smiling Killer in custody and they’re still getting on each other’s nerves for no reason. Cole tells Smiling Killer that he’ll make a deal with him. He wants Smiling Killer to tell whoever is protecting him that he’s going to come after them. Wow. Sounds like a sweet deal. Smiling Killer just smiles and says that Cole doesn’t scare him, so Cole gets scary by smashing his head into the desk and grabbing him by the neck. Morris breaks up the kerfuffle and Cole leaves, saying he’ll see Smiling Killer in court.
Manor. Prue and Phoebe burst into Piper’s room and jump on her while she’s moping in bed. Gotta get some locks, girl.
Piper tells them that Leo asked her to marry him and she doesn’t want to do it because it’s all too complicated. Well, you knew that already when you got together with a Whitelighter, didn’t you? Phoebe thinks that they are destined to be together because they have the type of beautiful love everyone dreams about. The type of love where you argue every minute, and look for problems to complain about even when there aren’t any, I guess.
Mari: I think Phoebe is probably only thinking about cloud sex.
Stephanie: Leo tinklerrupts with demon news. TBTB think that they’ve come across a conspiracy where a high level demon is assigning Guardians to criminals. They quickly conclude that it’s the judge because he has a high release rate, and because the episode is almost over after wasting too much time on Piper and Leo’s problems instead of developing an interesting main plot. Prue has an idea to deal with the judge.
Cut to the P’s and Leo at the courthouse. Prue’s great idea is for Piper to focus all of her energy into freezing the innocents. When did Piper’s powers evolve to this level of selectivity? Piper randomly asks Phoebe why she changed her hair. Why are you thinking about this now?
They enter the courtroom where Cole and the PD are already making their arguments to the judge. I hope the addition of Cole to the show doesn’t bring about a bunch of court drama scenes because I don’t know enough law jargon to cover this. Piper freezes only the “innocents”, Morris, Leo and Cole, but it turns out everyone working in the courtroom is in on the demonic plot. The P’s run away and the judge morphs into his true, rubbery demon face.
The P’s hide in another room and Piper can’t freeze the baddies because they’re immune now. Say what? (M: OF ALL THE STUPID THINGS…) Prue decides they should just go out there and fight, and that works because for whatever reason they’re all full ninjas now. Everyone is flipping and kicking, and I don’t understand when they mastered martial arts, but whatever, at least we’re getting more than a two second vanquishing. Then again, poorly edited fight choreography isn’t a big improvement.
Once they’ve knocked everyone out, the judge summons all the Guardians from their bodies and hides in his chambers. As the P’s go after him, Cole moves from his pretend frozen position. He blips out of the courtroom and in front of the judge, setting him on fire. After, he magics back over into his frozen position. The P’s come in and only catch the judge disappearing in a fiery death.
They go back into the courtroom and Phoebe decides that the best way to explain what just happened to Cole is to knock him out and then pretend that Morris saved the day after Smiling Killer tried to escape. Phoebe tells him to just accept what’s happening. That’s what we all have to do to get through this show.
P^3. The Barenaked Ladies are playing and I only know that because Phoebe mentions the band’s name. I am not very musically savvy. Phoebe feels bad because she’s had to lie so much to Cole, and she sure is worrying a lot about someone she’s known for a full minute. Piper’s concern is that Cole will be a threat to them since he’s an assistant DA. I don’t understand why a lawyer is their big worry when they have actual demons trying to kill them, but sure. Phoebe’s just glad that Cole is one of the “good guys.” Oh, honey. At the mention of good guys, Leo comes into the club to make this scene 10x more annoying.
Piper goes over to him and tells him that their near-death-ninja-palooza in the courtroom made her realize that she doesn’t want to die without ever being married to him.
Mari: At least marriage doesn’t have stupid floppy hair like Dan.
Next time on Charmed: The P’s help an animal-shifting couple in S03 E02 – Magic Hour.
I'm a chronic book nerd and love storytelling in all forms. I'm particularly excited by the rise of the television show as an art form with long, cinematically beautiful plots and complex character arcs (I also watch cartoons). My travels in the past handful of years have led me through three continents and most recently landed me among the majestic mountains of Colorado. Some day I will compile all my travel journals/blogs into one place. Some day. Until then, you can find me with craft beer in hand, ready at any moment to deeply and passionately discuss survival tactics for the zombie apocalypse.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
