New Moon Epilogue – This is not an epilogue.

Previously: Edward promised to murder Bella if she married him.
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Marines: We made it!

Yeah, we fell pretty off pace there toward the end. I feel like we were way more prepared the first time around, probably because we were bright eyed and bushy tailed, even if we expected the books to be bad.

Annie: And because it had been so long since we’d read these books, we’d forgotten how absolutely awful they were! Like, really, really awful. Way, way worse than I’d remembered.

Catherine: Reliving it ten years later is somehow way worse, guys. 

Kirsti: Plus, this one seemed about a million pages longer than Twilight while also having a shit ton less plot. 

Mari: On those incredibly cheery notes, let’s finish this off and then talk about what comes next for this project and the Snark Ladies!

Enter: totally useless epilogue.

Annie: Okay, I’m interrupting already, but does Stephenie Meyer know what an epilogue is? What its function is? How LONG one should be? Because… I’m guessing no. This reads more like a final chapter, but hey. What do I know?

K: I have a theory on that, actually. I can’t confirm it because I haven’t checked Eclipse or Breaking Dawn. But both Twilight and New Moon were 24 chapters. And I feel like she really liked having 24 chapters, and having twenty FIVE chapters would have totally messed everything up and made her terrible second book doomed to failure or something so she insisted on a fifteen page epilogue instead of chapter 25. 

Mari: I don’t know Stephenie Meyer, but that seems like something she’d do.

Bella tells us that life has gone back to normal. You know, the “good, pre-zombie normal,” in which zombie describes her state of being after her boyfriend dumped her. (C: Nothing that came before that was good either, Bella.) Carlisle got his job back at the hospital. Bella’s behind on school and college applications, because remember, you can’t go to college if you don’t have a boyfriend to love you. Bella’s got her man back, so she gets to get an education now, but ONLY as plan B. Obviously, plan A is to become a vampire and fight her bloodlust and murderous desires daily. (A: After she becomes a teen bride.)

K: Here’s my main point of confusion from this first chunk of epilogue: “He’d already done the Harvard route, so it didn’t bother him that, thanks to my procrastination, we might both end up at Peninsula Community College next year.” HE’D ALREADY DONE THE HARVARD ROUTE. So this douchenozzle has been through Harvard at least once, and yet was totally fine to GO BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL?!?!?! And at no point do his teachers think he’s, like, paying a college student to write his essays?! I’ve seen the essays that high school kids write, you guys. And for the most part, they’re totally awful. There’s no way someone who’s been through Harvard could write a plausible high school essay. </rant>

Catherine: That’s the main stupid thing about this series. Why would a 100 year-old vampire go back to high school? Is he trying to gain control of his father’s company Billy Madison style? No? He’s just trying to fit in with the kids in town inexplicably? Oh right, of course. Makes perfect sense. Don’t question it. 

Mari: It got him a teen bride, though, didn’t it?

Charlie continues to be pissed at Bella and Edward, but he does let Edward come see Bella in the house, proving that he is a good man. Kind of an idiot, but still.

Edward goes back to school and follows Bella around all the time, which she reminds us is super easy for him to do because no one wants to be around Bella or sit next to her, because she’s the worst. So, it’s almost like those blank pages and auditory hallucinations never happened! Except for the part where Jacob Black became her best friend and she misses him now. She’s not allowed out of the house to see him and Jacob won’t answer her calls. I don’t think it helps that she has to make them in the time between when Charlie ushers Edward out of the house at 9pm and when he climbs back in Bella’s window. She has to do it then because Edward gets angry face whenever Bella mentions Jacob around him.

Annie: Because Edward is controlling and abusive and must control all of her contact with other people, especially other men. 

K: YUP. All of this is classic behaviour for an abusive partner – cut off communication between your victim and her friends and family.

Mari: Bella says it’s whatever, though, because with Edward around she can’t think of unhappy things, like her former best friend who is probably really unhappy right now. Whenever she does deign to think of Jacob, she feels guilty about not thinking about him more. But then she can’t think about that because Edward. See the cycle?

“The fairy tale was back on. Prince returned, bad spell broken. I wasn’t sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after?” 

Stephenie Meyer is trolling us because the answer is obviously: in your ovaries. (A: BRB, vomiting forever.) (C: OH GOD WHY???)

Bella forgets what she said ONE PAGE AGO and decides that she is actually thinking a lot about Jacob. He’s like a dropping faucet in the back of her head. One day after work, Bella complains to Edward about how rude it is of Jacob not to answer her calls. Billy straight out told Bella that Jacob doesn’t want to speak to her. I’m sorry, but I don’t think calling every day is helping the Black family’s opinion of you, Bella.

K: Truth. But my most eyeroll-worthy section of this? “‘It’s not you, Bella,’ Edward said quietly. ‘Nobody hates you.’” I BEG TO DIFFER, DOUCHEFACE. THE SNARK LADIES HATE HER. I’m pretty sure Lauren and Rosalie do too.

Mari: For really amazing reasons, too.

In her huff, Bella crosses her arms in front of her chest, but makes sure to put all of our minds at ease:

“It was no more than a stubborn gesture. There was no hole there now– I could barely remember the empty feeling now.”

Her hole is full everyone!

Annie: TWSS? 

But in all seriousness, COME ON. An epilogue is supposed to give your readers a glimpse into the characters’ future to see how things worked out, or set up a sequel, or deals with stuff going on in the greater world of the story that may not have to do directly with the main story of the book, but are the result of what happened in the book. THIS IS NONE OF THOSE THINGS. 

K: Definitely not an epilogue.

Catherine: This series still has a collective 1,000 pages in it over the course of the next two books. She couldn’t tie anything up because she knew she’d be milking the cash cow a little bit more soon enough. 

Mari: Edward says Jacob won’t come around as long as he’s there because enemies forever etc. Not only that, though:

“I can control myself, but I doubt he can. He’s very young. It would most likely turn turn into a fight, and I don’t know if I could stop it before I k–” he broke off, and then quickly continued. “Before I hurt him. You would be unhappy. I don’t want that to happen.” 

1. Presumptuous. I know you are super spider monkey, or whatever, but my money is on Jake turning you into a sparkly chew toy.

2. k– = KILL. Edward is talking about killing someone again, though this time it isn’t his girlfriend or innocent human bystanders. HEART. THROB.

3. Bella would be unhappy if he killed Jacob. He’d be totally cool with killing a person, obvs.

Bella brings up my point #2, that Edward was about to talk about killing Jacob. Edward says he would try very hard not to, so I guess it’s time to start dropping those panties! I know women everywhere melt over guys who try very hard not to kill their friends. (A: Swoooooon.)

In her continued quest to make her story even more ridiculous by comparing it to Shakespeare, Steph throws in a line about how when Romeo came back, he fought with Paris and Paris dies. (K: Shakespeare is spinning so fast in his grave that he’s basically a rotisserie chicken.) Bella shakes all these thoughts of her bf and bff killing each other by looking at Edward’s perfect, pretty face. She tells Edward they have to get home soon, before her curfew, so she won’t get in more trouble with Charlie.

There is this really awkward few paragraphs where Edward is weirdly cryptic about the fact that Bella’s already in more trouble. Bella’s like, “werewolves? Victoria? Charlie??” No. No. Kind of.

Bella’s motorcycle is now parked in the driveway and Bella is so shocked that Jacob would betray her this way. Jacob was supposed to be her safe harbor and secret keeper and faithful friend until the end. She didn’t think anything could possibly change that. Bella is so angry at Jacob that she starts to cry.

Annie: Hold the phone. Jake was her man-placeholder. She used him to distract herself from the fact Edward up and left her. We know this, because she told us frequently that she was just using Jacob. And she dropped Jake so fast the second her precious vampires showed up again. Now Bella’s sad and mad because Jacob betrayed her? Uhhh. Fuck you, Bella. FUCK YOU. But this is nothing new, this is not adding to the story, this is only drawing out our torment. PLEASE BOOK, END ALREADY.

K: The post-it note I stuck to the page says “Hmmm, I wonder why Jacob would do this to you. I. WONDER. WHY.”

Mari: Edward announces that Jacob is out in the trees, waiting. Bella hops out of the truck and runs over because apparently she’s going to beat up a werewolf, hokay. Edward stops her and tells her to be quiet so Charlie won’t hear them. Also, because Jacob is there to see Edward, acting as a spokesperson for the wolf pack. (K: LOL, Beta Boy.) (C: Pshaw, Bella, did you think this was about you? You’re a GIRL this is about the men, obvs.)

They find Jacob out in the woods, who is even bigger and taller than before. Edward stops a little ways away and blocks Bella with his body, like a dick. Also, Bella has to glare at Jacob from behind Edward, so probably not so effective homegirl. Bella asks why Jacob brought the bike but Jacob doesn’t get to answer because Edward is reading his thoughts, like a dick. Jacob wanted Bella to get grounded so she wouldn’t be able to spend time with Edward. Which is a really stupid plan, Jacob. HE’S A VAMPIRE. Bella explains that she’s already grounded, which is why she hasn’t been down to La Push to see him. Eddie keeps reading Jacob’s mind and announces that Jacob thought Edward was the one keeping Bella from him.

Edward already knows why Jacob is there, but before they get down to that business, he thanks Jake for keeping Bella safe when he wasn’t around. (C: Barf.) Jacob says he didn’t do it for Edward, but Edward is still grateful. He says if there is anything in his power to do for Jacob… Jacob thinks something probably like, “go die a fiery death please.” Okay, fine, maybe more like, “leave Bella alone!” Out loud, Edward answers those thoughts and says that it isn’t in his power to do that. He’s learned his lesson and is never ever ever going to leave Bella again, unless she orders him away. Bella and Edward gaze at each other and Bella says, “never.” Jacob, hero of the world for just one second, makes a gagging sound.

K: I do too, Jake. I do too.

Mari: Bella asks if there’s anything else he wanted and we finally learn why Jacob is here: to remind Edward and his clan about the finer points of treaty they agreed to. Edward says they remember at the same time that Bella asks what he’s talking about. Jacob says that if the vampires bite just one human, the treaty is off. Bella tells him that’s none of his business, confirming what Jacob only suspected. He starts to get really angry, but controls himself as Edward pulls Bella away. Jacob tells Edward that he would never hurt Bella and Edward starts hissing for some damn reason.

K: All of this would be about a million times more interesting if Edward and Jacob fought for real and Bella got killed in the crossfire. 

Mari: We don’t get that, this is all still thankfully interrupted by Charlie yelling for Bella Vagphantom Swan to get in the house right this instant. Jacob apologizes for bringing the bike, but he thought it was all he could do. Edward brings up Victoria, but she took off after Bella left and there hasn’t been any sign of her. Edward says that if she comes back, the vampires get to kill her. Jacob’s like, “NUH UH.” This almost breaks out into a fight but Charlie calls Bella again.

Jacob apologizes again and says goodbye to Bella. She reminds him that he promised to still be her friend, but Jacob admits he doesn’t know how to keep that promise right now. He outstretches a finger toward her and Bella reaches out her hand. Bella takes a step toward Jacob and Edward PULLS HER BACK AND RESTRAINS HER. BECAUSE SHE TOOK ONE STEP TOWARD JAKE.

Girl. Get OUT. Choose none of them. Motorcycle to Africa. Anything at this point.

K: I mean, the bike is right there and ready to go. Take it and get the fuck out of Testosterone Central.

Annie: Seriously. Edward blocks Bella with his body, Eddie and Jake talk about her like she isn’t there, Jacob admits he was trying to get Bella grounded to control her, and Edward pulled her and pushed her and fucking restrains her. They’re both being dicks, though Edward is definitely the bigger dick. I guess size does matter, eh, Bella Ghostgina Swan?

Mari: Charlie calls again so Bella has to take off running with Edward. She looks back to see sad Jacob and she vows to make him smile one day. She lays out the premise of the next book, I guess, as she repeats for us that if the Cullens don’t turn her, the Volturi will kill her and if they do, the werewolves will kill her. All that is for later days, though, because Charlie’s waiting for them and he is MAD. Edward gives her a little squeeze and assures her of his presence. And just like that, 564 pages of pure pain end like this:

“I squared my shoulders and walked forward to my fate, with my destiny solidly at my side.” 

That was terrible! I mean, not just that, but like all of it. Obviously, we knew it would be but I guess I’ll end with some of the most surprisingly terrible things about it. A top 3 if you will:

1. Holy Racism. In all of the knowledge pop-culture has given me of this book/series, I’m pretty sure it never told me it was racist as all hell. The worst and most disgusting part was that it wasn’t overtly racist? Like, it’s really just in the way that Stephenie describes the Native Americans and wolves that drips with racism. It’s racism that she didn’t intend to include but that are apparently just part of her world view. That supposing some, I’ll admit, but I can say that’s how it read for me and that wasn’t a fun experience and everyone who like this should at least have to say, “It’s racist, but I like it.”
2. Bella is god awful person, main character, and narrator. It’s always rough in these situations where bad boys are being emotionally or physically abusive because the last thing we want to do is victim blame, right? Plus, she’s obviously unwell and her mental health is a serious point that should be considered when we look at her behavior. But just apart from anything having to do with Edward, Bella is THE WORST. If she was clueless and kind of bitchy in the first book, she’s genuinely mean hearted in this book. Cursory worries for Charlie don’t make up for a book in which she gives 0 active craps about anyone except herself and her boy. She’s a useless narrator, either noticing nothing at all or way too much for her limited point of view. And I don’t GET her as a main character or a heroine of a story. She has nothing to offer. This entire book was basically, “my boyfriend is gone so I am literally not even a person any more.” WHO WANTS TO READ THAT?
3. Stephenie Meyer wrote the story of someone with mental health issues and I don’t think she meant to. I feel like Meyer might be one of those people who thinks that depression is when you are extra sad. Again, that’s supposing a lot, but that’s the impression I got from her book. It makes me sick to think of the really serious warning signs in all of Bella’s behaviors that are not at all acknowledge beyond “heart broken” and are immediately FORGOTTEN and brushed away the second Edward is back in the picture. Bella is depressed, inducing hallucinations, she’s got crippling low self-esteem and she’s caught in a controlling and abusive behavior. This was packaged and sold and marketed to teenage as ROMANCE. Chew on that for a while.

I know there’s so much more, but that’s what I’m feeling here at the end of it all.

Ladies?

Annie: I don’t even know where to begin. But Mari, you’ve covered the big, horrible things for me like the epic racism, the masquerading of abusive relationships as romance and irresponsible, stigmatizing representation of mental illness. In some ways, I am embarrassed that I didn’t even recognize some of these blatantly horrible messages when I first read these books all those years ago. Can I blame it on my youth?

I will say that another thing that really bugs me about these books, that we luckily didn’t see too much of this time around because Edward was gone for most of it, is the way Bella is so often infantilized by Edward. He’s always scooping her up, cradling her, tucking her in, swaddling her, sitting her on his lap. NOOOOOOOOO. Stop. No. No. No. 

I try really hard to ignore their 100-year age gap, but whether Stephenie Meyer is doing this on purpose or not, this pedomance bullshit needs to stop. It’s not sexy. It’s gross. And pretty illegal.

And last, but not least with my gripes for this book… It isn’t even well written! Semi colon abuse. Commas raining down like it’s monsoon season. Using words without first looking up their meanings. Lack of research. COME THE FUCK ON.  

K: This book is a hot mess. Between the awful things Mari already mentioned, the fact that Bella only vaguely comes-back-to-life because she finds another guy to lean on, and the fact that it takes half the fucking book for the goddamned plot to turn up, and I’m truly baffled that anybody has ever given this book five stars. Because if it were up to me? I’d take it out back and put it out of its racist, misogynistic, neuronormative grossness. For all our sakes. 

Catherine: Ditto to all of the above, basically. This book is a bit different from the rest of the series in that Edward is actually gone for the bulk of it. Because of that the mistreatment of Bella’s obvious mental health issues were probably the worst part of this for me. It sugarcoats depression as this thing that happens when your boyfriend leaves you that makes you sadly stare out a window for a few months. This book was, if I remember correctly, loosely based off of the novel Jane Eyre and boy does it show in the antiquated attitudes toward abusive relationships and mental health. (Also, Edward and Mr. Rochester both suck as love interests. There, I said it FIGHT ME FELLOW LITERATURE NERDS.) It’s like Meyer read the eye-roll worthy part of Jane Eyre where she hears Rochester’s voice on the moors and based an entire book off of that. It is literally exactly like that because that’s what she did.

Next book, Edward is back and Bella is, of course, magically healed from her depression so the biggest problem becomes their obviously abusive relationship again. And as Edward is trying to keep Bella away from Jake for the whole book it. gets. holy shit levels of toxic. I hope you are all prepared to read along as we descend further into red-faced rage driven insanity!  

Mari: Well, with all that said and so much to look forward to, we’ve got some final announcements. The New Moon #snarkathon will be on Saturday, April 16th. We’re doing this in two rounds because of time zones and living in different countries and all that. Round 1 will be at 5pm GMT, led by me! Round 2 will be at 11pm GMT, led by Kirsti! We hope you’ll join us to skewer this story one last time before putting this part of it to rest.

And rest we will, from now until July 2016 when we pick up Eclipse for #31DaysofEclipse.

See you then, see you soon, see you around the site and we truly wish you much luck purging all of this crap from your brain pan.