Dawson’s Creek S04 E05 – It’s Always All About Sex

Previously: Joey got drunk and Jen got a not-birthday birthday party.
—

A Family Way

Chelsea: Hello, Snarkers of the internet. I am so, so happy to be revisiting my absolute favorite show of the 90’s. My love for Joshua Jackson runs, to this day, as deep as it  ever has. As does my hatred of Katie Holmes’ acting abilities.

Kirsti: Shocker that the rest of the main quartet are now famous for their acting abilities while she’s famous for having been married to a lunatic.

Chelsea: We open with a clearly disheveled Gail being stalked across the kitchen by Mitch and Dawson, who yell at her for apparently working, even though she spent all the day in the bathroom. This fact plus the title of the episode has put me outrageously on edge.

Gretchen enters and speaks liquor in an attempt to accomplish a goal (and also distracting us from the boys yelling at Gail). She says something about Dawson being a traitor for agreeing with his dad, which seems a bit harsh, but she also looks completely ill and obviously needs to sit down. Mitch says she has to go home or else she’ll get the whole restaurant, and Mitch and Dawson to continue to talk about Gail’s illness until SURPRISE Gretchen points out that she’s pregnant, not ill. Which is somehow not obvious to either of these two men even though it’s crazy obvious to me.

K: It’s been super obvious for like four episodes. And it suuuuuuuuuper pisses me off that Gretchen works it out before Gail does. Like, REALLY?? 

Chelsea: HEY YEAH YEAH YEAH!

After the credits, Mitch talks to Gail outside the bathroom door while she pees, ostensibly on a pregnancy test, which I find a little gross and weird, but whatevs. When she comes out of the bathroom the stick has turned pink, and Mitch is so happy and Dawson is just. not. having. it.

Dawson tries to skulk away but Mitch is just like, “Um, dude, congratulate your mom!” and Dawson mutters some half-hearted congrats that just makes me want to flick him on the nose. Get over yourself, tiny blonde boy. But, I digress, and Dawson has to go paint Mr. Brooks’ house or something.

Over at the Potter B&B, Pacey and Joey are basically going at it on the porch. Pacey pulls back and Joey gets very confused. Pacey then explains that he’s tired of her always being the one to stop things, so this time he’s stopping them first. Which, like, childish bro. Just make out with your girlfriend. But also, then Joey brushes him off and Pacey has to literally say “no means no” which again Joey scoffs at, which feels a little dismissive of consent all around. So it’s an even split on who annoys me more in this scene. But then right before the scene ends Pacey does that annoying teen boy thing where he insists he’s fine even though he is clearly not fine. So, with the winning point, Pacey definitely annoyed me more during this scene (which hurts my ever-loving Pacey heart to admit).

K: Legit. But I also have to give a 90s teen show credit for having a teenage boy say no to sex. 

Chelsea: Over at what appears to be a soccer field, Andie and Jack are now coaching pee-wee soccer?! (K: I hope they have Working with Children Checks.) Distracted by her track suit, I miss whatever it is Andie says about sportsmanship and molding young minds and college applications. It’s not until she speaks to these eight-year-olds (ish? I’m totally estimating here) and is all “blah blah words you don’t know” and Jack butts in with “who just wants to have fun” that I understand there is a very clear good-cop bad cop thing happening here. All the kids seem to love Jack, except for Molly, the young sassy girl who doesn’t like soccer and refuses to have fun. I sympathize with Molly a lot; I was basically a Molly my entire young life, only with softball and not soccer. Jack tells all the kids that by the end of the season they’ll all love soccer because of how much fun they’re going to have (barf) and promises them tons of pizza. They all cheer, proving yet again how easy it is to brainwash children with food.

Dawson is painting Mr. Brooks’ house. The old man walks out and gives Dawson a bunch of shit about how Dawson still owes him for his boat, and how Dawson is a horrible house painter; then Mr. Brooks picks up a bunch of Dawson’s photographs and tells him they have no ‘spark’. I’m really not sure what the whole point of this scene is other than to have Mr. Brooks be really mean and critical of everything Dawson does, but I hate Dawson and love Mr. Brooks so I’m totally okay with this.

K: I’d totally forgotten about the Mr. Brooks storyline. I’m not a huge fan of it, but I love that he craps all over everything Dawson does, because Dawson’s misery brings joy to my life. So I’m on board with his arrival.

Chelsea: Back at school, Jen and Joey are eating lunch together, and through the magic of an awkward segue using mashed potatoes as a metaphor for Joey’s sexual desire, they’re now talking about how you ‘just know’ you’re ready. It’s a lot of metapsychological teen angst and Joey is being usual uptight Joey while Jen, sage and sexual knowledge repository of Capeside, is all “just chill, Pacey loves you, it’ll all be fine.” I feel like I want to tell Joey that she doesn’t ever have to have sex if she doesn’t want to, but also if she does want to then that’s totally fine too.

But then Jen comes to my rescue with what is basically a pro-sexual education PSA, as she tells Joey to get her consenting ass down to the free clinic for some condoms and a pamphlet. PREACH. They then cheers with their Nantucket Nectars to womanhood, and it’s both odd and oddly touching (side note: I must have consumed gallons of Nantucket Nectar in high school. I feel so close to Jen and Joey right now).

K: I totally don’t remember this show being so ridiculously PSA-y, but I’m on board with basically every PSA-y thing they’ve done, so let’s call it a win. Maybe Teenage Kirsti was just spectacularly dense…

Chelsea: In what I’m assuming is a very poorly-lit doctor’s office, Mitch and Gail are having that conversation. The one where Mitch is trying to reassure Gail about how great this all is and how Dawson will come around and then Gail reality checks him with the fact that 1.) this is her decision and 2.) practically, this isn’t necessarily a good time for them to have a baby. Normally I’m not Team Gail, but this time?

Mitch refuses to take off his rose-colored glasses and looks shocked when Gail admits that, if it were solely up to her, she’d have an abortion.

Back over at the soccer fields, some weirdly dressed and hair-crimped mom uses that crazy-intellectual non-speak that for some reasons all the residents of Capeside have elected to use to try and hit on Jack. It doesn’t work, though, both because Jack is gay and because this is a clear jailbait situation. Also, I feel like I shouldn’t even have to say this: stop hitting on your little sister’s soccer coach. But here we have the real dilemma: Jack can’t get this woman to stop sexually harassing him (basically) because he doesn’t want to tell her he’s gay. Because he thinks that the parents of Capeside aren’t ready for a gay man teaching their kids soccer (spoiler: they’re not. This is the 90’s, and we’re barely in the realm of even having gay characters on TV).

At Leery’s Fresh Fish (horrible restaurant name), Dawson refuses to stop taking Gretchen’s picture and violating both her personal space and privacy rights. However, she’s giggling and trying to make him feel better about Dawson’s photography after what Mr. Brooks says, so I’m guessing this scene is supposed to be cute and not creepy? After almost getting hit by a car because he absolutely sucks at life (K: And, apparently, dying). Dawson finally fesses up that he’s upset by Gail’s pregnancy. And while he makes some valid points about being torn between how he actually feels and how he should feel because society, Gretchen continues to be my hero when she says, and I quote, “I wonder how your mom feels, after all, she’s the one with the baby growing inside her.”

Dawson tells Gretchen he knew she was the right person to talk to, because apparently he needs help from others in remembering how to be a decent and not completely self-absorbed human being. Gretchen makes a weird exit and it’s weird.

Back on Safe Sex Island, Joey is meeting with a doctor at the clinic and is being told about syphilis, STDs, and how the pill isn’t 100% guaranteed. Which is all true and helpful, but maybe isn’t the right foot to lead with when you’re talking to a clearly uncomfortable teen virgin? The doctor’s entire speech reads like a PSA for safe sex. Which, again, great and all. But doesn’t exactly flow. But at least Joey gets the free clinic goodie bag of promised pamphlets and condoms.

K: My thinking on this was it’s kind of like here where 18 year olds go for their probationary driver’s licence on their 18th birthday. And for the most part, they’re not actually ready for it but won’t admit it. So the examiner has them take the test and then flunks them on something super minor. Like, my cousin didn’t stop for three full seconds at a stop sign. Someone else I know was failed because they pulled over and turned off the engine as instructed, but didn’t turn the indicator off. So when they turned the engine back on and the indicator clicked, they failed. It’s basically “We know you want to be an adult, kiddo, but you’re totally not ready for it. So we’ll let you play in the sandpit for a little while, and then drop a fucking truth bomb. Come back when you’re ACTUALLY ready.” This feels the same. 

That…was a long segue. OH WELL.

Chelsea: Getting your drivers license in Australia sounds so intense! I was sixteen and all I had to do was take a class where we watched car-crash videos (and I guess learned stuff) and then have my mom drive with me for like 50 hours. Then again, American teen drivers are shit, so…

At the soccer field, Andie and Jack are kicking the ball around talking about Jack’s most recent run-in with unwanted female attention, and he tells her about his fears regarding this community being bigoted a-holes. I’m having a hard time listening, though, as I’m too distracted by Andie’s shirt, which says ‘Boobie Trap’ RIGHT on top of her boobs. Like, seriously you guys, it was super distracting.

K: I mentioned this in my notes and apparently I COULD NOT EVEN DEAL WITH IT. Sadly, no one bothers to screencap this show, and I’m too lazy to go back and take a photo of my TV screen on my phone as per usual, so you’ll just have to take our word for how bad it is. 

Chelsea: Andie also tries to convince Jack that maybe this lady was just flirting, as though that would make it okay, and is just super flippant about Jack coming out to these parents. Jack, being the gay one, is justifiably more worried. She rounds out this worst-sister-scene by telling Jack he sucks at soccer.

Over at Leery Manor, Dawson is down in his darkroom when he hears his parents come home. (I have a feeling a veeeeeery awkward conversation is in store for us this scene!) Dawson confesses that while he was super awful about it at first, he’s pulled a complete 180 – which we know is entirely because of Gretchen – and he now thinks this whole thing is basically a miracle. When Mitch tells him that he and Gail have decided not to have the baby after all, he’s right back to me-mode and super hurt that they would just “make this decision in a day” and not consult him or whatever. BECAUSE THIS ISN’T YOUR CALL. He’s incredibly condescending to his mother, and is throwing all kinds of guilt all over Gail, and I JUST HATE HIM SO MUCH IN THIS SCENE.

K: I hate him all the time, but especially in this scene.

Chelsea: Dawson needs to find the one good-person bone in his entire body and start supporting his mom. Even Mitch is making at attempt at support, however, halfheartedly (totally called it by the way; this entire scene was mega-uncomfortable because of how awful Dawson is to Gail).

After the not-commercial break, we’re right back at Leery Manor to see the next-morning aftermath. Dawson is pouting because he’s not the center of the entire universe, and Mitch has to tell him the awful story of how many fertility struggles Gail and he had to go through and how Dawson is basically their miracle baby. BARF. The tinkly piano behind this scene is trying so hard to make me feel something, but I just refuse.

Over at the Potter B&B, Bessie is putting away laundry for Joey when she runs across the bag of goodies from the clinic. Note to teen girls: don’t hide shit in your top sock drawer. Bury that business in a shoebox in your closet or under your mattress. Joey catches Bessie in her sock drawer and Bessie leaves post haste.

K: Joey. Girl. At least put a pair of pyjamas on top of the bag.

Chelsea: Jack is busy coaching a soccer game when sexually aggressive frizzy-haired woman comes to hit on him again. Andie tries to ‘rescue’ him by pretending to be his girlfriend, which fails miserably because Jack has already told sexually aggressive woman that Andie is his sister. Andie and this woman engage in some more hostile back-and-forth about whether or not Jack wants to be talking to this girl, until he finally pipes up and spills the beans: he is, in fact, not interested because he is gay. The woman is absolutely stunned and tries to play it off like she wasn’t hitting on him at all because she already knew that, but it’s clear she’s feeling hurt and rejected and she makes the world’s most awkward exit. This entire scene seems wholly inappropriate to take place at a children’s soccer game. Also, clearly no one is actually coaching these kids.

K: True. But I’m also pretty sure we’ve all been in a “oh God, he’s gay and I’m horrible at flirting and now I’m mortified and everything is horrible and I’d just like to combust now please excuse me while I make a super awkward exit” place at SOME point. Either that, or I have the worst gaydar on the planet…

Chelsea: Gretchen stands on the end of some dock (which are apparently littered all over Capeside, but I’ve never lived on the coast so maybe they really are that prevalent?) and Dawson comes up to I guess receive emotional succor. Dawson tells Gretchen about Gail’s abortion decision – NOT YOUR BUSINESS, BRO, don’t be spreading that all around town – and Gretchen, in the normal-person-goddess type that she is, asks Dawson what he’s really worried about: his parents or the idea he had of who his parents were. Yet again, the lady is spot. on. in dealing with Dawson Leery. (K: I mean, the correct response would be to knock his ass into the titular creek. But schooling him is a close second.)

It’s at this point, in a rare moment of astute observation, that Dawson guesses that Gretchen has also gone through what Gail has gone through. He then asks her to serve as the Universal Explanation of Why Women Get Abortions. Even though he says he knows that Gretchen’s situation and Gail’s situation are entirely different, it feels like he just wants Gretchen to explain his mom’s decision to him. Which, I mean, he should just be having this discussion with Gail, because it turns out Gretchen had a miscarriage before she had the chance to have an abortion. Dawson promises not to tell anyone, and the two bridge-sit next to each other.

It’s dinner time at the Potter B&B and, among other family topics, Bessie makes a snide comment about Joey being tired because she can’t stop having sex with Pacey. Which spirals in to this whole argument about how Joey’s only seventeen and isn’t ready to have sex because she has no understanding of the possible life-changing consequences (truth). To which Joey points out that she’s the oldest seventeen year old basically ever (also truth) and about how if she wants to have sex there is nothing Bessie can do to stop her (mostly truth). And let’s not forget, folks: this is a B&B so there are random strangers at the dinner table the whole time this conversation was happening. It was like one of those Real Housewives scenes where they have slap-fights in restaurants full of people.

K: On the plus side, Bodie is there, and Bodie is basically the only responsible adult on this show, so you know better things are coming.

Chelsea: Remember when there was no Bodie? And he just, like, popped up one day and was like “Hey! I’m your sisters baby daddy and I’ve just been a character this whole time, no weird character apparition stuff here!” I’m so glad we have a Bodie now.

Jack’s soccer players are just about to take the field when grumpy Molly informs Jack that two of his best players won’t be coming because their dad thinks he’s ‘dangerous’, and already this scene has my blood boiling.

Jack looks totally gut-checked, even though he saw this coming, and he has this conversation with Molly about how the show will go on, even if the whole team quits, and she calls them all jerks and tells Jack she knows he’s not dangerous and my heart is MELTING.

Night time at the Potter B&B. Bodie comes out and he and Joey have a calm, rational conversation about sex and how to know you’re ready and the fact that Bessie is just worried about Joey.

Back at Leery Manor, Dawson decides to talk to his parents before going back to Mr. Brooks’ house (for, I don’t know, nighttime house painting? It’s most definitely dark outside). Even though they haven’t asked, he wants to tell them how he feels. Which is, I guess, sweet. Because he tells them what good parents they are (debatable) and how proud he is of Gail and how he’s stopped idealizing them because the reality is so much better than the idealized version in his brain. Gail cried, Mitch gets red-faced with pride, and they all hug.

FINALLY MORE PACEY (K: About time.), but yet again his face is plastered to Joey’s. He decides they should stop making out again, and she’s fine with it this time because REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. Turns out Pacey just wanted to talk about maybe having sex and now feels bad because Joey went and got all prepared and maybe that was his fault? Somehow, it seems, Pacey was just using all this as a way to manipulate Joey into having sex with him? I’m confused. But I do know one thing – JOEY CLEARLY IMPLIES ORAL SEX IN THIS SCENE. But because it’s the CW (WB?) they definitely just end up tickling.

Meanwhile, on the soccer fields, Jack is feeling bummed out because the parents of his soccer team are being super homophobic, which is sad even though he saw it coming. He talks about quitting, and Andie shuts that down super hard because Jack is good at coaching these kids. But it seems like she just doesn’t really get it – she keeps insisting that it will all blow over, but Jack knows that, even though he’s a good person, people will think of him otherwise because he’s gay. I know this show was progressive given its time, and it can’t be perfect, but this is one of the ways that Andie really annoys me. Part of being a good ally is admitting that you don’t really know what the other person’s situation is like, and if they say they’re scared, you need to acknowledge that maybe they have a need or right to be.

K: A+, friend.

Chelsea: Over at Mr. Brooks’ house, Dawson is indeed nighttime painting! (K: What the fuck, Dawson?!) Mr. Brooks comes out to crap all over Dawson’s house painting or photography skills until – WHAT’S THIS – he finds a picture he actually approves of! He condescends to tell Dawson that maybe he’s not totally awful at everything (oh, but he is) and maybe has a bit of potential. And what do you know, the picture he’s talking about? IT’S A PICTURE OF GRETCHEN.

Music-backed montage time: Bessie helps Joey dry dishes; clearly the two of them have forgiven each other. Dawson can’t stop developing pictures of Gretchen (K: Like a fucking stalker); Jack walks alone and sad on the soccer field; Gail and Mitch reminisce over baby pictures of Dawson.

And then, my friends, we fade to a very melancholy black.

Phew! This episode was basically just one long PSA for safe sex, informed consent, and people minding their own damned business. I don’t care about anything Dawson does, ever, and there was entirely too little Pacey for my general enjoyment. We did get some of the delightfully grouchy Mr. Brooks, though, so at least that’s a win!

K: PSAs, Dawson being a douche, irresponsible parenting, and the Snark Ladies wishing for more Intern Pacey? Sounds like a pretty standard day in Capeside to me!

 
 

Next time on Dawson’s Creek: Drug use and rave in S04 E06 – Great Xpectations.