Eclipse Chapter 01 – Hell.

Previously: Bella was broken without a boy. Bella got fixed when he came back.
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Marines: Hello! Welcome back. As ever, we are so happy to have you here and so not looking forward to the thing we voluntarily put ourselves through. The Internet is a strange place, my friends.

We start with the dedication:

Snort laugh when you see it.

Kirsti: I’m sure her kids are THRILLED to be included in the same dedication as… that.

Catherine: More evidence that Meyer doesn’t know what words mean. 

Annie: I’m pretty sure I was so disturbed by that dedication that I tweeted about it. 

Mari: From there we move on to a quote by Robert Frost. It doesn’t matter to me at all beyond the belief that maybe, just maybe, Meyer will let the Romeo and Juliet thing go this book.

Prologue. We again get a tense end scene before we jump into the actual book. This time, Edward is preparing to protect Bella from something. She asks herself a lot of questions about the probability of her escaping yet another life and death situation and somewhere in the forest, a wolf howls.

K: Stupid rhetorical questions and eye colour descriptions. Aaaaaaaand we’re back…

Mari: Indeed.

Chapter one starts with a letter to Bella where a bunch of stuff has been stricken out. I hate to quote this whole thing but slightly less than I would hate trying to figure out how to recap it:

“Bella

I don’t know why you’re making Charlie carry notes to Billy like we’re in second grade– if I wanted to talk to you I would answer the

You made the choice here, okay? You can’t have it both ways when

What part of ‘mortal enemies’ is too complicated for you to

Look, I know I’m being a jerk, but there’s just no way around

We can’t be friends when you’re spending all of your time with a bunch of

It just makes it worse when I think about you too much, so don’t write anymore

Yeah, I miss you, too. A lot. Doesn’t change anything. Sorry.

Jacob

It’s not clear to me if Jacob honestly wrote all this out, wrote a line through most of it, and gave it to Bella that way so that SHE COULD STILL SEE WHAT HE WAS GOING TO WRITE or if this is some kind of cheating in which we the reader know what Jacob wrote even though this story is from Bella’s limited perspective. Already off to a terrible start, even though we all had a good laugh over Pancho eating out.

Annie: I definitely called this the biggest, most ridiculous cheatery narration yet. Crossed out lines? Ink splatters? Absolutely not. It’s too early into the book for this fuckery.

Catherine: Every book Meyer introduces us to some new terrible that we have to contend with. This book it may just be different fonts. Every handwritten note is actually written out in the book in a different font that’s supposed to match the writer’s personality. I realize this isn’t a Meyer-specific problem but HOLY SHIT does she do it a lot in this. It’s like, every chapter. WTF is happening? 

Mari: Well, it appears that Jacob did indeed send Bella this letter with the lines slashed out. Bella pictures Jacob writing his hate letter and it makes her feel sad inside.

K: Everything about this stupid fucking note filled me with rage. Including the part where Bella’s like “his hands are too big to hold a pen now that he’s a werewolf. Maybe he gripped the pen so hard it snapped and that’s why there’s ink blobs all over the page!” Jesus Christ, child. He’s a tall dude, not a fucking sasquatch with bear paws. 

Mari: Bella has to take a break from her sadness because she smells something burning. She rushes downstairs.

In the kitchen, Charlie is heating up some spaghetti sauce in the microwave, still in the jar with the lid on. He’s also burning noodles because burnt spaghetti seems like the best way possible to start your book, if you ask me. Bella wants to know why Charlie is in a bad mood since her boyfriend Edward isn’t even there right now (LOL). Bella pauses worrying about someone else for a second to tell us that using the word “boyfriend” doesn’t feel right because it doesn’t express their eternal commitment.

Hmmm, let’s think about a word that would be fitting for an eternal commitment that also describes Bella’s relationship with Edward. Oh, I know: HELL.

Bella says that Edward would like to call her fiancee, but even though homegirl was just spitting terms like ETERNAL COMMITMENT, she “shudders away” from the thought of being someone’s fiancee.

Catherine: Remember last book when I said that her views on marriage make no sense since she wants to be a vampire and live in the light of his immortal soul with their love entwined forever and shit? Yeah. Marriage is actually LESS of a commitment then she’s intending. Presumably in a regular marriage you die at some point and then you’re done, right? 

Mari: Yeah. Dying eventually definitely makes marriage less scary.

This useless exposition in the kitchen scene goes on as Bella reminds us that Charlie is a cop, tells us there haven’t been anymore wolf sightings in the woods, and that she’s still grounded, “ever since my former best friend (and werewolf), Jacob Black” told Charlie about the motorcycles. And yes, that’s an actual quote and that’s the actual clunky exposition I’m saving you from.

Annie: A ‘previously in this horrid series’ paragraph could’ve saved so many trees and so much of my irritation.

K: SO BAD. She also sounds incredibly surprised that she got grounded for riding a motorcycle her father didn’t know she had without wearing a helmet and then flying to Italy to save her boyfriend from committing death by vampire police. WHY ARE YOU SHOCKED BY THIS. WHY.

Mari: Because Bella.

Related: Bella is basically complaining about the fact that Edward can only visit from seven until nine-thirty each night, but then tells us that she sees him all the time at school and also he spends every night watching her sleep. So, like, what is she complaining about? I don’t know. Welcome to Eclipse! Bella says that she grins and bears these whole hours separated from Edward because she doesn’t want to hurt Charlie by moving out when she’ll soon be separated from him much more permanently. She means when she dies and becomes a vampire.

Charlie and Bella sit down to eat clumpy spaghetti. Bella mentions reading Wuthering Heights, because obviously. (K: I stop to be confused because she says she wants to lose herself in “turn-of-the-century England.” Um. Bella, honey? I have some news for you about when Wuthering Heights was published…) After a bit, Charlie says that he actually wanted to talk to her about something. It’s about Jacob, Edward, and her grounding. Charlie says she’s behaved really well as of late so she’s not grounded anymore, but he wants her to spend time with people that are not Edward Cullen.

Catherine: Don’t we all, Charlie? 

Mari: This leads into some more exposition from Bells about how her “friends” at school are now divided into two groups, which she considers the good vs. evil groups. Heads up, SHE CONSIDERS HERSELF PART OF THE GOOD GROUP. (C: LOL BELLA YOU ARE FUNNY.) Angela, some guy named Ben and Mike Newton all forgave Bella for being an asshole while she went into the forest and died over her boyfriend. Lauren and Jessica don’t want anything to do with Bella, like normal healthy, sane people. Bella calls them EVIL, but let’s remember that one time Bella went out with Jessica and then walked up to a bunch of dudes, basically hoping they’d try to attack her again.

K: GEE, I WONDER WHY THEY HAVE AN “anti-Bella agenda.” I. WONDER. WHY.

Annie: When she calls them ‘evil’, did she actually mean ‘smart’? Because Jessica and Lauren are clearly the smartest, sanest people in this fictional universe. 

Mari: Anyway, Charlie’s point is that maybe Bella wouldn’t have had to go die in a forest if she had other friends and saw other people beside Edward. Bella gives a big PFFT to that, but Charlie insists. Bella’s basically ungrounded as long as she spends time with other people. This is my favorite piece of parenting we’ve seen from Charlie. Is he about to throw her into oncoming traffic or something? Should I just enjoy this and not question it? Okay.

Charlie keeps pressing Bella about hanging out with Jacob, too, because the Blacks are like family to them. Bella can’t tell Charlie about the werewolves vs. vampires thing, so instead she tells him that Jacob isn’t happy to be just her friend. Charlie snarkily asks if Edward isn’t up for some healthy competition. Clearly he’s #TeamJacob. Bella asks where all of this is coming from and apparently Charlie and Billy had a chat about it that morning. Jake’s having a hard time and he’s depressed. Spending time with Jacob used to make Bella so happy.

“I’m happy now,” I growled fiercely through my teeth.
The contrast between my words and tone broke through the tension. Charlie burst into laughter and I had to join in.” 

Ha ha ha! Look how funny it is that she she keeps telling us how happy she is spending nearly every waking and every sleeping moment with Edward, and yet she’s still moody as hell. She’s GROWLING.

K: And yet Jacob’s the werewolf in this situation…

Mari: Bella finally agrees to try for balance and to reach out to Jacob.

Charlie tells Bella she also got some mail. Bella isn’t very curious about it so Charlie tosses her the thick envelope. It’s an acceptance letter from University of Alaska Southeast. Charlie says they should start talking about tuition and stuff, but Bella doesn’t want to touch his retirement fund. She’s got her own savings but not really because she’s spent it on stopping her boyfriend from committing suicide in Italy…? Or no, maybe on suicide motorcycles. Definitely something related to suicide. Charlie tells Bella not to pick a college so close because it’s cheaper. Bella says it isn’t cheaper, but it’s far enough away and cloudy. Good for when you have a sparkly boyfriend.

Charlie starts to ask about Edward’s plans for the next year and speak of the devil and he doth appear. Bella rushes to answer the door.

“I wrenched the door out of my way–ridiculously eager–and there he was, my personal miracle.” 

I really want to see her beating that door up to get to Mr. Lavender Bags Under His Eyes, Personal Miracle. (C: I really want to see that one Eddie’s business cards.) In case you were wondering, spending nearly every waking and every sleeping hour around Edward has not made her immune to his perfect face. She leaves him standing at the door for a bit so she can ogle him and describe every line and angle of his god damn face. I’ll only highlight the line that makes this relationship look the unhealthiest:

“I reached out for his hand, and sighed when his cold fingers found mine. His touch brought with it the strangest sense of relief– as if I’d been in pain and that pain suddenly ceased.” 

Ladies, did you know that aching in your hands isn’t normal? It just means you don’t have a man to hold you. #science

K: She also forgets to breathe again. SHOTS (OUT THE GRAMMY)! (It’s possible I spend too much time watching Daveed Diggs’ Snapchat stories…)

Mari: Edward takes their joined hands and starts grazing the back of Bella’s hand on his cheek? And then he starts rubbing his nose on the back of her hand? Oh, wait, this was weird even before I read on about why he was nose rubbing:

“Enjoying the bouquet while resisting the wine, as he’d once put it.” 

MEYER. This is NOT the same as when you think significant other smells nice. WE DON’T WANT TO MURDER THEM.

K: I’m pretty sure this is meant to come across as swoony. It’s not. At all. 

Catherine: It’s also all SO goddamn wordy. There are like 2 pages dedicated just to describing Edward. 

Mari: Charlie finally puts us out of this misery by stomping over and standing nearby with his (much appreciated) bad attitude. Our little hatebirds break apart and stop nuzzling each other’s hand skin. Better leave some room for the Holy Spirit. We don’t know how Jesus (or Charlie) would feel about hand skin nuzzling.

Anyway, Edward announces that he’s brought over some more college applications to fill out and Bella’s like UGH WHAT WHY because she fully intends to be dead by then. Charlie uses this opportunity to ask Edward where he’ll be going to college and it’s so so funny because he’s a million years old. Edward says he got accepted at Syracuse, Harvard, Dartmouth and… The University of Alaska Southeast. Charlie, we absolutely know, is thinking, “what have I done to deserve this? Why won’t this guy ever go away?”

Catherine: Somehow, Charlie ends up being the character that we all identify with the most. Twist.  

Mari: Bella and Edward continue to be two giant dicks by pretending that they didn’t apply to Alaska together and Edward didn’t know that Bella got in. Edward even says “what a coincidence” and Charlie’s eyes narrow, so everyone, another celebratory drink for Charlie resisting the urge to punch that guy in the face.

Instead, Charlie says he’s going to go watch the game. He reminds them of the 9:30 bedtime, but Bella reminds him that she’s off grounding. Charlie moves it to 10:30. Edward is excited about this news and pretends it’s because Alice wants to go shopping with Bella. Charlie quickly shoots that idea down because there are apparently some gangs on a killing spree in Seattle. Maybe it’s actually just Christian Grey on a killing spree. It couldn’t possibly be the plot, though, right? This is chapter one. I don’t think Meyer knows how to introduce plot this early in the story. Let’s read on.

Bella protests because what are the odds of her getting murdered (by someone other than by Mr. Marble Statue, in her bedroom, with the vampire fangs). Edward agrees with Charlie, though, saying that he wouldn’t have Bella in Seattle either. So, seriously though, are we asking for certain death if we consider “what is agency?” shots?

Catherine: Who cares? Death is so trendy according to these books! Yay! We’re fashionistas! 

Mari: Once Charlie is gone, Bella starts filing out applications and they have more chats about how Edward wants to go to college with Bella, paying her tuition for her and all, and Bella wants to die and resurrect and drink blood. I’m pretty sure this is an argument we’ll repeat a lot across the hundreds of pages of this book. Edward wants her to have human experiences as a human and Bella’s like wah! No! WHO CARES!

K: He also basically says that he’s willing to bribe Ivy League schools to let her in so that they can be together, and WHAT THE FUCK HOW IS THIS A THING.

Mari: Because Twilight? And rich people? IDK.

Bella tells him to be reasonable about the timing because of all the danger they are in. This gives Meyer an “excuse” to use up a paragraph reminding us what all that danger is. I mean it’s basically just Victoria and the Volturi.

Still, the vampire transformation date is set to just after graduation and Bella is okay with this except for this moment right now where she gets really worried about it because it’s coming up so soon. She thinks about all the loved ones she leaving behind and it’s all very reasonable, but when Edward says they can wait to turn her, Bella replies that she wants to be a monster right away. This is supposed to be a joke. Ell oh ell.

Edward gets upset at her for saying the monster thing and throws the newspaper at her. The headline is about the Christian Grey Murder Gang in Seattle. Because of course it’s vampires doing the killing. Edward says that vampires do a lot of evil stuff. Bella reads over the article and lists the name of the victims (IDK. I hope this isn’t important), (C: It’s not) but then decides that it won’t be that way for her. Edward will take her to live in Antarctica if necessary. They laugh about living a solitary life in order to not kill people.

Catherine: Hey, in case you guys were wondering there is another font change for the newspaper headline. Oh, you weren’t? I don’t care. I’m gonna count every goddamn font in this book if it gets me through this. 

Mari: Bella says they should go live in Alaska after all and this is a better plan to Edward because they can eat bears and wolves there. Bella gets all huffy and it takes Edward a second to realize she isn’t digging the idea of eating wolves because her ex-bestie is a wolf.

This leads into a heated conversation about whether or not Bella can go hang out with wolves (what is agency?!). (C: It’s SHOTS!) For some reason, this becomes an argument about how many times Bella has read Wuthering Heights and Edward’s lack of appreciation for the classics. Yes, we are still in chapter 1 and this is seriously what is happening. I’m sorry, I’m just refusing to recap their analysis of Wuthering Heights. 

K: Good life choice.

Mari: So, one page later, Bella brings up again the fact that she needs to see Jacob and it’s totally safe. Edward says it isn’t because werewolves are unstable, totally unlike vampires who might try to eat you if you get a paper cut on your birthday. Edward launches into a story about how he was around when the last pack was around, led by Jacob’s grandfather. Isn’t it cool when your boyfriend is old enough to talk about your best friend’s grandfather in his youngin days? No?

Anyway, they all thought that the wolf stuff ended with Grandaddy Black, but here comes Jacob and his pack. Edward makes fun of Bella for being such a trouble magnet that she brought werewolves out of extinction. Bella’s like, “yeah right,” and tells Edward that the wolves only wolf when there are vampires around. Edward scoffs at this idea because… white people don’t like to take any responsibility for the problems of people of color?

The point remains, though, that Edward says Bella isn’t allowed to have werewolf friends. Bella thinks about how much Jacob helped her through her suicidal period. Bella tells Edward this and he starts apologizing again for leaving her. But also, Edward says that he “will not tolerate anything dangerous.” He makes Bella promise not to put herself in danger, but then tells her it’s because he loves her so much. Bella’s like I love you more. And he’s like no, I love you the most.

K: A+ gif selection.

Mari: We end this 34 page first chapter with Edward telling Bella he’s going to have to stop her if she tries to go see Jacob. Bella just thinks about how Jacob doesn’t even want to see her anyway.

Next time on New Moon: Bella still isn’t allowed to have wolf friends in Chapter 02.