Eclipse Chapter 04 – I miss Angelus

Previously: Edward and Jacob got into a pissing contest, and Bella discovered that Victoria is still after her.
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Kirsti: This chapter starts off amazingly well: “I was having a bad week.” Bella, girl. You’re having a bad LIFE. But guess what, y’all? Her bad week has very little to do with the fact that Victoria’s back and everything to do with the fact that no one will turn her into a vampire several weeks ahead of schedule. She argues that being a weak little human person is a terrible idea with Victoria around, but the Cullen-Hales point out that there are seven of them versus one of Victoria and for some inexplicable reason, they all want Bella to stay safe.

Edward, however, says he’s more than willing to turn Bella into a vampire right this very second. As long as they get married first. It totally reads like blackmail.

Annie: Okay, two things about all this. One, I can’t wrap my head around why these other vampires are so desperate to keep Bella safe. She’s the main character, but she is such a flimsy character. She’s more like a little pet than a whole and complete character, and this is such a problematic thing to create a half-person and act as though this is the kind of person all these teen girls should aspire to. No. Just nope. 

Secondly, marriage should not be looked at as a solution to a problem. It should not be something that either partner feels forced into (Read: NO BLACKMAIL). The fact that the OTP of these books are basically asking their readers to support and cheer for the success of a straight out abusive relationship makes me feel icky. Please, no, stop.

Marines: I’ll only add that in an attempt to calm Bella down, the Cullen-Hales have explained to us why all of this is stupid and boring: Victoria is incredibly outnumbered. This shouldn’t be such a big damn deal AND YET here we are in book 3.

Catherine: Writing Tip: Don’t let your characters explain why your book is dumb. 

K: SERIOUSLY. To all of the above.

Bella goes on to tell us that today is the worst of all the days in her bad week because Edward’s gone hunting and so she doesn’t get to smell his breath and stare at his magical colour change eyes all day. “I would never admit to him how hard it was for me when he was gone – how it brought back the abandonment nightmares.”

GIRL. HE’S GONE FOR A FUCKING DAY. SLOW YOUR ROLL, CRAZY.

And why will she never tell him about this? Because then he’d starve himself to never leave her side. Jesus Christ, these two asshats deserve each other. Literally none of this is depicting a healthy relationship. Speaking of, Edward’s left a vomit-inducing note on her pillow telling her to look after his heart while he’s gone because “I’ve left it with you.” Anybody else miss Angelus and his literally leaving people hearts??

Mari: It’s a thing when I look back on Angelus and consider him the good ole vampire days of this site.

K: It was the best of times, it was the so-much-better-than-this of times.

Anyway, Bella mopes about how her Saturday will be filled with going to work instead of staring at Edward, and eats her cereal “one Cheerio at a time” so that she doesn’t get to work hella early. Then she organises the magnets on the fridge and wonders if she’s getting OCD. Right, because one very poorly written mental health problem wasn’t enough. Also, I GIVE ZERO FUCKS ABOUT ANY OF THIS. (A: Cosigned.) (C: Get some fucking Web MD Bella, please!)

We’re treated to a FULL PARAGRAPH describing the last two magnets on the fridge before Bella tells us that they’re the worst ever because they have opposite polarities and so when she tries to line them up neatly, they spring apart again. “I could have flipped one over, but that felt like losing.” What the shit, girl.

Then we get two full paragraphs – not even kidding – of Bella pushing the magnets together until she’d “forced them to coexist side-by-side.” Then she talks to the magnets before giving up and putting them a foot apart on the fridge and grumbling about their inflexibility. BECAUSE THE MAGNETS ARE JACOB AND EDWARD, GEDDIT? Excuse me while I see a doctor about the concussion I just got from the Anvil of Obvious Storytelling.

Catherine: Oh my God, I can’t believe I forgot about this part. This is the dumbest part in the entire book until the next dumbest part happens. This is at least top 5 dumb shit stuff in the whole series. Magnets, how do they work? 

Mari: Clearly, we’re meant to see that Bella could solve her boyfriends problem by… flipping one of them over? Wait, what? 

K: I refuse to accept an OT3 unless it’s to push them all into a fire.

She gets to work, all ready for a day of hiking goods-y distraction. But LOL NOPE, Mike’s mum tells her that it’s hella slow and also they already started training her replacement since she won’t be around during summer, so she can just go. She asks Bella to throw out a stack of flyers in the rubbish on her way out, and of course the flyers say “SAVE THE OLYMPIC WOLF.” Bella, knowing that Alice is at least 15 minutes away, sprints to her truck and starts speeding to La Push.

She tells herself that she’ll phone Alice from Angela’s later. Uh, Jacob has a phone. Maybe call now? Anyway, she coaxes the Wow. Free. Truck to Jacob’s place, and they bounce with excitement that she managed to sneak out. Again, NOT A SIGN OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

Annie: This is straight up an abusive relationship, and at the risk of sounding like a broken record: This is not the kind of relationship anyone should aspire to! No one should. If this sounds like your relationship, please, please, please GTFO.

K: Agreed.

She and Jacob go for a walk and catch up. It all goes great until they get to the hard topics. Like why she forgave Edward for sending her into a six month long depression full of auditory hallucinations. “There was nothing to forgive” is her reply.

Bella tells Jacob that Edward left because he thought she shouldn’t be hanging out with vampires, and Jacob’s all “OMG IT’S LIKE WE’RE THE SAME PERSON”. LOL, JK. He grumbles about how Edward can’t stick to a decision. Bella snaps that she’s the one who brought Edward back, and Jacob demands the story behind all that. She fills him in, and his main reaction is that he’s thrilled that Alice can’t see them. Bella gets pissy, but asks him what happened while she was in Florida.

Basically, he and the others were patrolling when they found a trail. They took off after Victoria, but she basically played hopscotch across the treaty line so that no one could get her. Emmett lunged, but Victoria dodged and he almost hit Paul instead. Paul lost his cool, everyone got distracted, Victoria escaped. I just summed up 2 pages for you in like 50 words. You’re welcome.

Catherine: 2 pages, lets remember, that were ALREADY EXPLAINED IN THE LAST CHAPTER. Meyer just explained this same incredibly long, boring story about the fucking Victoria incident twice in two chapters. When will death come? 

K: Apparently never. This applies equally to us and to Bella.

Jacob looks thoughtful, and Bella asks what he’s thinking about. He tells her that if she’d waited for him before going cliff diving like she was meant to, Alice would never have seen her, nothing would have changed and there’d be no vampires in Forks. And that the two of them might be… He trails off, but Bella insists that Edward totes would have come back anyway because being apart was the actual worst for both of them.

Jacob mentions that Sam’s upset with her, because after finding her in the woods after Edward left, he thought she’d be the one person who hated the Cullens as much as he does. But nooooo, she just forgave them for everything. She starts to get snippy, but they’re interrupted by an eagle snagging a fish from the ocean. Jacob turns it into a nature lecture about hunters and their prey, which ends with “you don’t see the fish trying to plant a kiss on the eagle.” Yes, and we’re all eternally grateful for that.

Bella says sarcastically that maybe the fish was trying to because maybe it thinks the eagle is super hot. This turns into a conversation about what she sees in Edward. It’s not because he’s beautiful or rich, apparently. It’s because she loves him and even if he was ugly and poor, “he’d still be the most loving and unselfish and brilliant and decent person I’ve ever met.” Um. Bella? ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE SAME FUCKING PERSON HERE? (A: Clearly not.)

Jacob mutters that she’d be better off dating her own species, and she snaps that she’s clearly stuck with Mike because Jacob’s not entirely human either. He insists that it’s not the same because he didn’t choose to be a wolf. She laughs because Edward and his historically-inaccurate-Spanish-flu didn’t choose to be a vampire.

Mari: Why did Bella come here? What’s the point of all this? It’s basically a scene to bash over our heads why it’s totes cool that Bella and Edward are back together after the hot mess that was book 2. ALRIGHT ALREADY. WE GET IT.

Catherine: No, no, there’s also a subtle, weird ‘stay with your own kind’ message in here, too. Don’t underestimate Meyer! 

K: She says she thought he’d understand the Cullens because they’re just good people. He insists that they’re unnatural. She gets all “pot, meet kettle”. His reply is awful: “What I am was born in me. It’s a part of who I am, who my family is, who we all are as a tribe – it’s the reason why we’re still here.” So, basically? “I’m a wolf because I’m Native American.” Awesome message, Steph.

She realises that he’s in pain over the changes in their relationship, blah blah blah, totally worth getting torn to shreds by her boyfriend when she gets back hallelujah it’s the end of the chapter.

Em-dash count: FIFTY FIVE.
Ellipses count: Twenty one.

 

Next time on Eclipse: Jacob tells a story and Bella makes it about her in Chapter 05.