The OC S04 E04 – Suck it, Starlord

Previously: Summer came home from Brown and Julie had a lonely Thanksgiving.
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The Metamorphosis:

Reem: Hello! I am so very excited and honored to be writing for Snark Squad! Seriously thank you, Mari for letting me do this. And now I am so sorry for the endless parade of stupid you’re all about to read. Blame it on my youth y’all! Also blame it on the fact that I have never seen the OC ever in my life. When the OC was in its prime, I was still singing along happily to Hannah Montana. (M: That makes me feel a wee bit old, in that strange, almost 30 kind of way…)(R: You’re not old! I’m young!) On with the recap!

Thank god for pre-Netflix popularity television otherwise I would have been toast because these previouslies are saving my life. We begin with Summer in a monotone therapist’s office reflecting on how much she’s changed since she got to college. Summer thinks she’s so active on campus to distract herself from Marissa’s death. Well, we are not messing around here.

The therapist (who we don’t see) says that grief often comes in five stages. Summer refutes this because she hasn’t really been grieving. The shot freezes and tells us that she is at the first stage: denial. This is going to be a real feel-good episode.  We cut to a shaky cam in Summer’s dorm in her anger stage. She walks back into the therapists’s office and starts bargaining. In the same office, Summer is disheveled and is surrounded by used tissues conveying her depression. She reverts back to anger, and finally she settles into acceptance. That was a nice montage.

The therapist says that this astounding progress was made in one week. Damn. Summer says she just wants to be herself again and wants things to be good between her and her boyfriend, Seth. I looked these names and faces up beforehand. (M: I appreciate the effort, dear friend.)(R: It was really more for me so I don’t go insane not knowing all of these names but you’re welcome. I will be though of as an overachiever!)

A plane lands and Seth calls up Ryan worrying that Summer is going to dump him. Ryan tries to calm Seth down. The call ends when Summer walks up to Seth in slo-mo and kisses him hello. Seth is relieved that he has the Summer he knows and loves back. This annoys me just a little bit but I’m not going to pretend like I know anything about healthy relationships.

Marines: Seth is the king of “adorable but annoys me a little bit,” so I’d say your reactions to him are spot on so far.

Reem: Oh good, so I’m not naive. Phew!

The opening credit sequence remind of Parks and Rec a bit, except there’s no guy wailing out CALIFOOOORRRNIIIIAAAAAAAAA!!!!! And speaking of Parks and Rec, Chris Pratt is in this episode! AKA Andy Dwyer! It’s nice to have a familiar face.

Ryan is intensely working out on the beach and Sandy is fishing for information on his son’s relationship. Sandy is happy that Ryan is recovering and getting a job. He is even happier that Ryan will indeed go to Berkeley. Sandy tells Ryan to hang in there before Ryan walks back home.

Seth and Summer are in Summer’s dorm and exchanging some pillow talk reflection of what would have happened if Summer were still a “liberal zealot.” Would it have worked? Would the relationship be doomed? It doesn’t matter! Summer’s back and Seth surprised her with The Valley season 3. Life is good.

Sandy finds Kirsten sitting alone having some coffee. Sandy was hoping to catch Ryan before he went off to work and hang out for a while and maybe even shoot some hoops. Kirsten offers to take his place but Sandy says that he loves her but it’s just not the same. She can’t control that and and tends to a boiling kettle. Sandy just wants another guy to hang out with but he doesn’t want to be weird. He wants to call some guy named Spitzy to hang out and he’s the weird one.

We go to Neil’s house where Julie and Kaitlin are talking about how Neil doesn’t mind if the people who kicked him out of his own house can live in it indefinitely. Julie doesn’t want to set a bad example for Kaitlin so she decides to swear off men. Kaitlin scoffs at this and says that it won’t last a week. Julie counters this by saying Kaitlin can’t stay out of trouble. And so a bet is made. Taylor walks in and she’s all cheery until she gets a package from Henri-Michel, her suave, French husband. She goes all nervous, grabs the package and bolts.

Ryan is working at the Mexican restaurant when he sees Taylor and calls her over. Taylor wants to know where Seth is. She isn’t too sad for too long as she decides to enlist Ryan for his help. Namely by annoying him while he’s working. She needs Ryan as moral support for when Henri-Michel comes into Newport. Henri-Michel is apparently a “sensual jedi” and Taylor is desperate. Ryan agrees so she won’t gross out all of the customers eating.

Summer is in her dorm when Chris Pratt comes in wondering if she could pass around flyers about solar panels or something. I think his name is Che in the show? Summer comes clean about her true identity. She tells the truth by way of showing her earthly possessions to Che. She tells him about Marissa and apologizes for misleading him and she still hopes that they can be friends when she isn’t grieving. Che accepts this because he’s just a really chill dude. Seth walks in with coffee and Che grabs his face as a gesture of good will or something.

Sandy runs into who I assume is Spitzy and shakily asks him out on a bro-date. Sandy does not get an immediate answer and may feel very stupid. It’s not you, Sandy, it’s him. (M: Who would reject those eyebrows?) (R: Not me, those things are on fleek.)

Seth and Summer are watching TV and Summer doesn’t like the show they’re watching anymore. Uh oh. Summer doesn’t like the fake problems for fake people distracting people from the important issues. Just watch CNN or something, no need to rant. Summer goes to get one of her magazines because she fell behind on celebrity gossip but she’s looking at the magazine all strange like. Like the way I look at kale. She fishes the solar panel rally flyer out of the trash as the piano swells up and looks at that the way I look at Mac’n’Cheese.

Mari: Summer doesn’t care about TV anymore because now she cares about the Earth and you can only care about one of those things, obvs.

Reem: What are multifaceted individuals? Are they even real?

Ryan and Taylor are sitting at a swanky bar and Taylor needs to be distracted by something like Ryan’s cagefighting. What? Anyway, Ryan isn’t doing a good job because Taylor’s still having fantasies about her husband. This confuses Ryan because healthy couples are supposed to have good sex lives, no? Apparently they’re not in love so it doesn’t matter. I feel like I should have talked to a relationship counselor before I started this episode.

Ryan’s favorite fruit is peaches and she starts talking about sex in an eating establishment before Ryan mercifully stops Taylor. Henri-Michel’s lawyer walks in and says that there will be no divorce if nobody cheated. This is all in French, by the way. This gives Taylor an idea. She says that Ryan is her lover and the lawyer doesn’t believe it. The lawyer’s phone rings and it La Marseillaise, the French national anthem. (M: He’s French, GET IT?) I know patriotism is important but really? I have yet to meet one American who has the Star Spangled Banner set as their ringtone. Ryan is lost and Taylor lies and says that he’s a big soccer fan even though Ryan doesn’t even like soccer.

Seth and Summer come back from a shopping trip. Apparently Summer threw a smoothie at some woman because her faux-fur coat did not look so faux-fur. I’m pretty sure that woman can press charges. Seth is uneasy because he isn’t so sure that Summer is really back to her old self so he goes in search of shawerma and promises to get Summer a kebab. Don’t forget the tomeya! (garlic paste. It is so good! Gotta do the Middle Eastern cuisine right!) Summer calls Che and asks for an update on the rally. His movement is picking up steam but Summer doesn’t like her new sweater. WAH WAH.

Julie and Kirsten are on a shopping trip when Julie apologetically asks to be let back into Kirsten’s business. I think it’s an online dating site. Kirsten agrees and Julie has all of these new ideas. Before Julie can get into them, they run into some woman name Taryn, Tara? I didn’t catch it. And she has had some work done or so I hear. Taryn/Tara walks up to Julie and Kirsten and immediately mentions Julie’s breakup. Rude. Kirsten has to step aside because Sandy is calling. Spitzy said yes! Meanwhile, Taryn/Tara doesn’t need a dating service because she’s playing the field with the youngins. Taryn/Tara invited Julie to go out but she can’t because kids amirite? Then a 25 year old puts his arm around Taryn/Tara further egging Julie on. This is going to be a hard bet to win.

Kaitlin is fixing her makeup at her locker when her friends tell her about a tight window to get some dope fake id’s. Kaitlin passes because this bet is important okay? Her friends say that they’ll only get in trouble if they get caught so Kaitlin changes her mind. I would say that they’re all stupid but they’re in high school so I can’t really fault them.

At the shopping center, Taylor stalks Ryan at the Mexican restaurant because why not. Taylor has one more favor to ask of Ryan. She wants him to commit perjury. Not knowingly of course then he would never agree to it. She wants him to sign a legal document in French that Taylor says is a testament to her character but really is written proof that she and Ryan got together during the marriage.

Seth finds Che cleaning his didgeridoo (not a euphemism) because why not. Seth offers his leftover babaghanoush to which Che calls it “babaghanasty.” You know what? Unless you have an eggplant allergy, you can take your hatred of Mediterranean cuisine and get out, Che. (M: You were so happy to see him! And now look at what he’s done.)(R: I love my culture more than I love Starlord. Suck it, Starlord. I’m gonna go eat a vat of tabouli.) Seth is talking about his relationship when he hears Summer giving a speech on the importance of solar panels and her commitment to getting them on campus. Girl, you go to Brown, think about the practicality of those solar panels. You have a much better chance of getting a windmill. Seth, like the Queen Victoria, is not amused. I don’t really know the back story to this but I really feel like Seth should love Summer no matter what “phase” she’s going through.

Mari: Yes. It first seemed like an avoidance thing but Summer now seems to be trying to deal with her grief and still interested in these new things. That should be okay with Seth and Summer should be able to say these things. Alas.

Reem: I feel like healthy relationships should grow and mature without judgment. But I’m sure every relationship has an uncomfortable, murky period where change is a teensy bit scary.

Ryan is poring over the legal document that Taylor gave him and is trying to translate it. With a translation dictionary. Is this before Google Translate came into our lives? Anyway, the phone rings and its Seth trying to figure out which Summer he’s dealing with. She doesn’t have multiple personality disorder, Seth. She’s still Summer. Summer walks in and Seth quickly hangs up because he is in trouble. They’re both surprised that Summer really does care about the environment and she hopes that Seth can fit into her new life. It’s not really that new, she just has a new interest but okay fine.

Che is in his room and playing his guitar when Seth walks in on a nude Che. Seth offers to come back but Che wants to play Seth a song. I think I see a little Andy in this scene. Seth needs Che’s help and Che is so touched that he goes to hug Seth, while still in the nude.

Sandy is tearing it up on the golf course with Spitzy and as Sandy takes his swing, Spitzy’s phone rings. Sandy is not happy about this because this is really high stakes. Spitzy said it was his kid who had a rash but it was really his wife checking up on him because like Sandy, Spitzy is lonely. As Spitzy makes his swing, Sandy’s phone rings. Guys, get it together. This is golf. Take it seriously.

Kirsten and Julie are looking at office spaces and decide to book an appointment when they both realize that they don’t have any plans for the evening so they decide to spend it together. Sweet. Julie’s phone rings so we are treated to some awkward silence until Julie gives in and answers it. I don’t know why that was necessary but whatever they need to do to fill in the run time I guess. It’s Taryn/Tara and she’s making sure that Julie really is coming/convincing her to come. Julie is torn between having a girls’ night in and going out and hooking up so she suddenly hangs up. She makes her decision, fixes her makeup and lies about being sick. Night out it is. Bet lost.

Then we cut to Kaitlin losing her end of the bargain. She gets the money, exchanges it for the proof of breaking the law and rebuffs a greasy guy’s sexual harassment.

Julie is in a club with Taryn/Tara and she isn’t really in the party mood so Taryn/Tara convinces her to take a shot of Jose Cuervo and zip it.

4 shots later, Julie notices a very good-looking man across the room. She and man-candy start dancing all risque like. I don’t really have to explain what happens next mainly because it cuts to the next scene.

Taylor is catching up with Ryan as he’s cleaning up the restaurant. She wants to know if he signed the document but alas he did not mindlessly sign it, he translated and and he has questions. Busted. She tries to lie again but the jig is up. She says she’s sorry even though she really isn’t because she can’t go back to France to her rich husband and use her words okay? She just can’t. I have a better idea. Skype. It existed then. Get it. Use it. Quit trying to get your friends to break the law. Ryan says he can’t really handle all of this relationship drama right now and Taylor looks defeated. Taylor explains her situation again but Ryan still feels like he can’t commit perjury.

Seth and Che find Summer and Seth seems super convinced of the Greenpeace solar panel cause. Seth can’t go into the auditorium because he doesn’t go to Brown and the security can’t turn the other cheek so he resigns himself to wait outside until Summer is done because he knows that this is important to her.

Sandy and Spitzy are at the shopping center and run into Ryan and they invite him to dinner but Ryan’s really tired from having a job and dealing with Taylor’s divorce drama so he wants to go to sleep. Sandy takes him aside and checks to see if he’s okay. Ryan just wants to go to work, go home and interact with as few people as possible. You know, lay really low. Sandy wishes Ryan could do what he’s good at and help people work through their problems. Can you see this connection? Can you? Sandy invites Ryan again but now Ryan is going to go lie under oath to help Taylor out of her marriage. (M: Thanks, Sandy!)(R: You da bomb.com!)

Kaitlin is with her friends and they’re in line to get into a club. Kaitlin gets in no problem but the bouncer doesn’t want to let “dorks and virgins” into the nightclub so her friends want to leave. Kaitlin goes into the club alone while the boys have to go home. Turns out, it’s the same club that Julie and Taryn/Tara are in and Julie is occupied with dancing with Man-Candy. Kaitlin is looking around the club when she sees her mom straddling Man-Candy. Julie thinks she sees Kaitlin but it was upside down and only for a second so she writes it off. Kaitlin leaves and Julie doesn’t feel like much for dancing anymore.

Sandy and Spitzy are watching the game. Sandy’s phone rings and it’s Kirsten checking in on him. All is well. Sandy knows that Julie bailed and that was it. That was the phone call. I’m so glad I was around for that.

Ryan walks back into the swanky bar from before and Taylor is arguing with the really patriotic lawyer about how she doesn’t want to go back to France dammit so just let it go already. Ryan sees that she’s upset so he goes up and kisses Taylor to convince the lawyer that she really was having an affair and it wasn’t just convenient. Ryan asks to sign the paper but the lawyer has no need for it because as a Frenchman, he knows love when he sees it. What? I have met a lot of French people in my life and that has never been a superpower that any of them have claimed to have ever. Hell, my best friend is French and she does not have the superpower. That I know of. I have to check with her.

Anyway, the lawyer leaves, Taylor is stunned and Ryan never wants to talk about it again so he just urries his hand away from Taylor and goes home.

Summer walks out of the auditorium and sees Seth asleep on the bench. She wakes him up and tells him that people are listening to her after some cost-benefit analysis. But Che wants to do a filibuster so this could go on all night. Seth makes a sports reference, which is a big deal somehow and both of them are accepting of each other. Aw! It all worked out. I think.

Ryan is getting ready for bed when Taylor comes in with peach tort as a thank you. There’s no gate or fence around this really nice house? Taylor is scared that Ryan isn’t a dessert guy so she offers to make him breakfast or lunch but Ryan just wants to get this over with so he decides to share the tort with Taylor. Taylor is reconsidering all of her life choices and she might be having an existential crisis but there’s 3 minutes left to this episode so luckily I don’t have to watch it. Taylor shares that she doesn’t mind not knowing what’s going to happen and not having a plan but Ryan is really into this tort.

We are then treated to a montage of all the character and it goes as follows: Seth is at the Providence airport and wants to know when the next flight out is and he has to spend the night at the airport because it 8AM the next morning. Sandy comes home and plays strip Scrabble with Kirsten. Kaitlin grabs ice cream out of the freezer when Julie walks in and they both look at each other like they know the jig is up but just share the ice cream instead of fight. Taylor leaves the pool house and looks longingly at it. Summer comes home to an empty dorm, a voicemail from Seth saying he’s going to give her some space and a drawing of her as a nature based superhero warrior princess. Meanwhile, Seth is finding a place to settle in at the airport for some reason. There was a perfectly good bed right there.

The episode ends! This show is bonkers. Thanks again for reading! This was so fun!

 

Next time on The OC: Taylor tries to get closer to Ryan in S04 E05 -The Sleeping Beauty.