Previously: There was a tax prom and while it was cute, Aaron Tveit let us down.
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Goring Oxes: How You Can Survive the War on Government Through Five Easy Steps
Dani: Once again, we begin with a recap song by Jonathan Coulton:
Cut to the set of DoubleSpeak, with Luke, some Republican chick, and Jonathan Broadbent (Red Wheatus’s Chief of Staff), in a remote studio. Broadbent is having trouble remembering dates and facts, so the producers switch to a split-screen view and show all four people arguing at once. Broadbent seems particularly agitated. He looks like his head is about to explode, and that’s probably because his head is literally about to explode.
Marines: That’s real good acting from that dude because in that first picture? Yeah. He does look rather head explode-y.
Dani: He would definitely deserve the Emmy for Best Rage-Face, if that were a thing.
Next we see Ella, who’s fallen asleep on her couch. Meteor bugs were hiding in the cherry blossoms, and now they crawl into her ear. This isn’t the first time the show has associated the bugs with D.C.’s iconic spring blooms. It’s an interesting juxtaposition, pairing something so creepy with something so beautiful.
Senator Healy’s offices. Laurel is hard at work — on her Melanesian choir documentary — when Scarlett tells her the FBI agent is back. Laurel realizes she’s talking about Anthony Onofrio (Agent Heart-Throb), so she straightens her hair and checks her breath. It’s hilarious, because I seriously doubt there’s ever a second in which Mary Elizabeth Winstead does not look completely stunning.
Mari: If it makes us homely girls feel better, bad breath can happen to anyone.
Dani: Unfortunately, Anthony isn’t alone. Agent Blades (Glenn Fleshler) is also there, and Anthony seems to be his subordinate. Blades grills Laurel about what happened in the ambulance with Dr. Daudier, and his questions and attitude are far more hostile than our good friend Agent Beefcake. Laurel wants to know why the sudden interest, and Anthony pisses off Blades by confiding that there was another incident that morning. Blades doesn’t seem to believe Laurel when she says she saw Dr. Daudier’s head explode, but Laurel is more interested in the new incident. When Anthony tells her it happened on DoubleSpeak, she freaks out a little because she knows her brother was on the show. But Anthony assures her it was just “Red Wheatus’s man.”
Laurel assumes he’s talking about Gareth, and when Blades tries to steer the conversation back to Dr. Daudier she walks out on them both. She goes to Gareth’s office and looks pretty stricken as she stares at his empty desk, perhaps because they both said/did some regrettable things the last time she was there. But then she hears Gareth.
Cut to Luke with the Democratic caucus. Ella marches in, and surprise – she’s not sick anymore! Doesn’t it just figure that the cure for the common cold would involve meteor bugs eating your brain? #tradeoffs
Mari: Yeaaah, I’ll quote Mrs. Bennet and say, “people do not die of little trifling colds.”
Dani: Ella calls the meeting to order, and it’s clear she’s no longer interested in any form of compromise with the Republicans, likening them to terrorists and accusing Luke of handing them a loaded gun. Luke cautions against using such hyperbolic language, but Ella is very persuasive and the other senators are very sheep-like.
Cut to Laurel greeting the day’s constituents, including Gustav, who signs himself in with the hilarious name of Dr. Bob Bob.
Dr. Bob doesn’t have much to say about the government, as he’s really just there to check out Laurel (who commented on his blog) and gauge how sane she is.
Meanwhile in Senator Wheatus’s office, Red tells everyone that Broadbent died that morning, and in the same breath informs them that Gareth will be his new Chief of Staff. Gareth looks stunned, but he quickly proves himself the teacher’s pet by knowing whether Red should come out in support of Luke or Ella. See, they want Ella to be Whip, because Luke is moderate and might encourage moderate Republicans to vote with him on upcoming bills. But they’re going to say they want Luke, because the Democrats are so diametrically opposed to Red they’ll automatically vote for the opposite of whatever and whomever he supports, regardless of whether or not it benefits them. Don’t you just LOVE politics?! (M: No.) (D: Smart.)
Red tells the press he hopes the Democrats will come to their senses and keep Luke as the Whip. Luke, Scarlett, and Laurel watch him on TV from Luke’s office, and Luke knows that Red is gunning for him. But he’s distracted by a vase of cherry blossoms (!!!) on his desk, which Scarlett brought in to cheer the place up. Once Scarlett leaves, he asks Laurel to ditch the flowers because it’s like working in a funeral home. LOL.
Scarlett confronts Laurel when she sees her with the flowers, getting all up in her face and acting creepy. She tells Laurel she’s outnumbered, and when Laurel asks by who, Scarlett corrects her grammar and tells her by the people who outnumber her. Duh.
Mari: “By the people that outnumber you” is a really great reply, though. I wish I had a reason to use that in real life.
Dani: Try telling random people you meet that they’re outnumbered. I bet that would be an awesome icebreaker.
Outside, Laurel is throwing the cherry blossoms into a trash can when Gustav sneaks up behind her and tells her his real name. He’s acting all furtive and wants Laurel to put her cell phone in a foil pouch.
Laurel tells him her phone’s not on, but Gustav assures her the NSA can use it to broadcast up to 50 feet (which I learned from watching The Good Wife, so it’s obviously something Robert & Michelle King want more people to know). (M: THE MORE YOU KNOW.) Gustav whispers that bugs are eating people’s brains, and Laurel gives him her phone. He proceeds to tell her about the screwworm (cochliomyia hominivorax), a flesh-eating insect from the tropics that was eradicated in the U.S. in 1982 (two years before “You Might Think” was released, in case you were wondering).
According to Gustav, screwworms feed on human flesh. I’d fact-check that, but Aaron Tveit tweeted a warning against Googling screwworms and I think we should take his advice.
Mari: That series of events for me was literally, “screwworms? I wonder if that’s real.” *opens Google tab.* *Reads about Tveit’s warning* *closes tab*”
You don’t need to warn me twice.
Dani: Gustav thinks the bug on his video was some sort of sub-species of the screwworm that burrows into the brain, causing behavioral and personality anomalies, like people losing bits of their memory and their ability to think. He thinks memory is the only way to get to them, but he also thinks the reason that some people’s heads explode is because bugs fart, so…
Laurel is rightfully doubtful and demands her phone back. (M: You had us until bug farts, Bob Bob.) Gustav gives her his card and tells her to look up everything he said and call him. Of course, his business card is just someone else’s business card that he’s scratched out and written his own info on. All that’s missing are the words “Professional Crackpot” beneath his name.
Back in the Senate offices, Laurel is about to throw away Gustav’s card when she hears “You Might Think” coming from Ella’s office. She creeps closer and sees Scarlett conspiring with Ella, so she figures maybe Gustav isn’t as insane as he seems. She returns to her laptop and looks up screwworms, but her dad interrupts her. Papa Healy came to visit because she and Gareth were seen together at Tax Prom, and people are starting to talk. Laurel informs him she went as a favor to Luke, but her dad’s not buying it.
Dean Healy: You went on a date with Red’s Chief of Staff… as a favor?
Laurel says Gareth isn’t a Chief of Staff, and Papa Healy tells her he was just promoted and being seen with him isn’t a good idea. Laurel insists it wasn’t her idea, and he rolls his eyes, clearly forgetting how much his daughter hates being told what to do. Laurel’s had enough, so she picks up the phone, calls Gareth, and asks if she can take him out to celebrate his promotion. Her dad thinks she fake-dialed, but he’s wrong. Gareth tells Laurel sure, if she doesn’t mind going to a wake first.
…said no one ever.
Mari: Laurel’s dedication to pissing off Papa Healey is strong.
Dani: Just one of the reasons I love her.
Luke comes in, upset because Ella is on TV telling everyone that the Healys have a history with womanizing. Laurel tries to leave, but Luke wants her to help them strategize the best way to attack Ella in response. Papa Healy asks if Ella has nanny problems or speeding tickets, or whether she’s made any racist remarks. Luke says there are rumors, but no proof.
Laurel jokingly asks why they need proof: just say Ella kills puppies and call it a day. Sadly, her sarcasm backfires. Luke remembers that Ella was crying because she had to put her dog down just before the recess, which means she would have immediately left for either a vacation or a fundraising trip afterward. Luke looks it up, and it turns out Ella went to Paris, which makes him and his dad giddy.
They decide to leak a story about Ella killing her dog so she wouldn’t miss her trip to Paris. Luke initially asks Scarlett for reporter contacts, but Laurel sends Scarlett away and tells Luke and Papa Healy about Scarlett working with Ella. Papa Healy wants to know if Scarlett would have any reason to turn Judas, and Luke admits he was sleeping with her. He can’t fire her, but he can’t let her leak the story, either, because she’ll just tell Ella. Unfortunately, the meteor bugs gave Scarlett excellent vision and lip-reading abilities, and she watches their entire conversation from across the office and seems to understand every word of it.
Mari: Dear goodness, do none of the Healeys notice her standing there like a creep?
Dani: Right?? Add some clown makeup, and you’ve got yourself a horror movie.
Since they can’t trust Ella, they need Laurel to call her BFF from college who now works at RollCall. Cut to Laurel at a bar and Stacie joining her. We ended episode 2 with the bugs attacking Stacie, and now we see she no longer has her awesome nose ring, and she’s wearing long-sleeved clothes and a scarf to cover all her artsy tattoos. Goddamn you, Puritan bugs!
Laurel is about to leak the Ella story to Stacie, but she pauses when Stacie wants a seltzer with lime instead of her usual vodka martini. Stacie gets defensive and accuses Laurel of treating her the same way she treated Abby, making it seem like it was Abby’s problem when it was really Laurel’s. Laurel tells her she apologized to Abby, but Stacie gets distracted by the TV and launches into a liberal rant on Denmark’s super low poverty rate. She also says Denmark has guaranteed childcare until a child is 50 (lol forever). (M: Laurel’s worried, “that doesn’t even make sense,” is the best thing. It’s me, scrolling through Facebook whenever I’m dumb enough to log onto Facebook.)
Laurel suspects the work of meteor bugs, and she remembers what Gustav said about memory being the only way to get through to the infected. She starts talking about their college days, asking Stacie if she remembers their dorm room, etc., and Stacie says there are only three gun deaths a year in Finland. Laurel persists, forcing Stacie to remember names and details. Stacie looks like she’s on the verge of tears as she alternates between remembering her past and spewing ridiculous statistics about Copenhagen. Stacie thinks the ability to recall past incidents isn’t important, in light of the fact that Trump could be president. Laurel is in the middle of a passionate speech about how you still have to live your life, despite all the horrible, crazy stuff in the world, when she sees brain gloop coming from Stacie’s ear.
Stacie pretends it’s an ear infection and hurries away when Laurel pleas with her to trust her. She calls Gustav (M: bug farts don’t seem so crazy all of a sudden) and meets him at a hospital, where he once again NSA-proofs her phone. Gustav tells Laurel they’re being watched, but Laurel doesn’t know how much of what he says is true and how much is bizarre conspiracy theory. She asks him why everyone is listening to “You Might Think,” but Gustav has no idea what she’s talking about.
Laurel takes Gustav to see Rochelle Daudier, who is reluctant to share anything confidential because Gustav makes a less than stellar first impression.
Laurel implores Rochelle to give him a chance, so Rochelle shows Gustav the CAT scan results from Oscar, his friend whose head exploded in the last episode. Seeing the dots, he asks Rochelle to enlarge the central left lateral ventricle. Then he asks her to make other adjustments, and when Rochelle asks if he’s run a CAT scan before, he delivers his infamous “No, but I read a lot” line. Rochelle lets Gustav take over, and he enlarges one of the dots until it shows one of the bugs’ mandibles.
Cut to Red’s office, where Gareth is telling Red their approvals are at 20% (that high?) (M: srsly) because they haven’t made their case to the grassroots. Gareth tries to convince Red they’re hurting themselves, and they really need to reopen the government.
Red asks Gareth why he came to D.C., and Gareth tells him it was to get shit done. He wanted low government, more incentives for small businesses, and smarter use of tax dollars. Red asks him if he’s accomplished any of that, and Gareth has to admit he hasn’t. Red hasn’t, either, and he’s convinced it’s because everyone keeps arguing for patience, wanting to get their ducks in a row. He says something about lining up the ducks and taking a machete to their throats, and honestly I’m too terrified by the image to worry about his meaning. He lectures Gareth some more then sends him away.
Mari: It was during this speech that I really noticed whatever the hell accent Tony Shaloub is doing.
Dani: Seriously. It’s like Appalachia coal miner meets Virginia prep school. Very odd.
Cut to Gareth in a bar, looking like a sad puppy while he waits for Laurel.
She’s on the phone when she finally arrives, so Gareth orders them both a couple of old-fashioneds. Laurel’s telling Luke that Stacie took off before she could give her the story, but not to worry because she’s sure there are other reporters at RollCall. She hangs up, polishes off Gareth’s drink in an adorably familiar way, and admits to having a very weird day. Gareth gives her some free advice by pointing out a columnist at RollCall who’s sitting at the bar.
While Laurel goes to the columnist, Gareth gets a call from Red saying he changed his mind about the grassroots. Gareth immediately orders another round from the waitress who just brought the drinks. Laurel returns and they toast to her first leak. She points out that he suddenly seems happier, and he says his boss called and things are good now.
Laurel: Which means I’m in trouble.
Gareth: Yeah. We’re, uh … both playing with fire here.
Laurel admits the reason she called was because her dad said they were “observed” at the Tax Prom.
Gareth: Doing what?
Laurel: Drinking. And dancing.
Gareth: [feigns shock] Oh my god! Do you… think we’re being observed here?
Laurel: I think it’s a distinct possibility.
Gareth: Hmm. Let’s give ‘em something to talk about.
Laurel: Like what?
Laurel doesn’t think that’s going to do it, though. Gareth suggests they take things to the next level, but Laurel isn’t drunk enough for the next level. Then the waitress arrives with more drinks, and Gareth jokes that it’s a sign from God. Laurel gulps down her drink, almost as if she’s really going to do this thing, and Gareth looks surprised but gamely downs his drink, too. They stare at each other for a moment, and there’s a lovely will-they-or-won’t-they sort of pause.
They will — but it doesn’t last long, because Laurel starts laughing.
Laurel says she “can’t figure out the algebraic psychology of that,” which is totally a line I need to remember. She leaves, and Gareth looks disappointed.
Cut to Rochelle, who’s on the phone with Gustav. She tells him she showed the enlarged CAT scan to the chief resident, but no one believes it. Gustav says the only solution is to give them a real bug. He hangs up, and we see that he’s placed hundreds of bug traps around his house. He starts blasting “You Might Think” and then makes sure his ears are covered.
Oh, Gustav. Don’t ever change.
Mari: Because this is ridiculous but also incredibly brave. I’m sorry, but I’m not counting on plastic between me and brain eating bugs.
Dani: Luke’s office. The story of Ella’s dog killing breaks, and Luke congratulates Laurel. She insists all she did was leak it to RollCall and frankly I’m disappointed she played any part at all. I know it woudn’t have stopped Luke from finding someone else to leak the story, but I wish Laurel had refused to join in any sordid reindeer games.
Mari: We mentioned a little last episode about how while Laurel has her ethics and is uncomfortable with a lot of what is happening here, she is kind of dipping her toe. Plus, she gets this kind of quiet statisfaction whenever anyone in her family tells her she’s done a good job.
Oh, Laurel.
Dani: Luke laughs as the reporter likens Ella to Mitt Romney strapping his dog to his roof, not realizing that Ella is standing at the doorway watching. He apologizes and says the story is terrible, but Ella tells him she knew he was doing it. She tells him to watch the news, because she prepared for this. Luke thinks she’s bluffing, but over in Red’s office Not-FOX-News is breaking the story of Luke’s long-time affair with Scarlett, his Chief of Staff. Red tells Gareth to tune in, but Gareth looks like he finds the whole thing distasteful. (Is it because he’s thinking of how this will impact Laurel? No, it couldn’t be, because that kiss meant nothing… right?)
While Gareth isn’t thinking about Laurel, Luke’s pregnant wife, Germaine, is at home watching the news. Luke rushes in, but Germaine’s already seen the report. She tells him he disgusts her and orders him to get out, but Luke insists it’s not true and falls to his knees, clinging to her. I hope I’m not supposed to feel sympathy for Luke here, ‘cause I got nothing.
Mari: Yep, nothing. His clinging to her makes it seem like he’s attached to her being there, but obviously not enough to be faithful. PUNCH HIM, GERMAINE.
Dani: Back in Gustav’s apartment, the meteor bugs are crawling up Gustav’s neck as he dozes on the couch. He wakes up when one of the bug traps on the floor moves. Grabbing the trap, he whips the Solo cups off his head. The bugs go flying, and Gustav, never seeing them, rushes out. The bugs regroup and make a beeline for Gustav’s adorable cat. (Oh, hell no!)
Cut to Laurel and Luke drinking beer in his empty office. Luke says he hates it when women cry, and Laurel tells him there’s a simple enough solution for that. PREACH.
Luke tells Laurel not to give him crap. He says he loves Germaine, but he’s human and makes mistakes (M: for two years…). He talks about the work, the long hours, and how easy it is to get lost in a smile, or a whiff of someone’s shampoo, or the way her hair falls across her face.
Luke: [sighs deeply] How do you describe in prose something that’s poetry?
Laurel tells Luke that’s not poetry; it’s sleeping around on your wife. THANK YOU. Luke asks Laurel when she got to be so judgmental and tells her not everything is about morality. He asks if she’s always been so immune to human frailty, and when she says no he tells her to get in touch with that person — the one who understands why something happens, not just that it shouldn’t. I have to admit Luke is good with words. He should go into politics, or something.
Laurel decides to talk to the female senators (the ones whose votes Luke needed to remain Whip) and somehow convince them he’s not a philandering piece of shit. Good luck with that, girl. The next day, we see Laurel looking nervous as she enters a room full of women with disapproval written all over their faces.
Cut to Red’s office, where Gareth is listing the grassroots organizations that Red should court. Red doesn’t want to be so inclusive, though. He says there’s only one way to get what they want: his way. They need a grassroots organization they can create and control — they’ll call it The One Wayers. Red tells Gareth to start astroturfing The One-Wayers right away. (FYI, astroturfing is the practice of masking the sponsors of an organization to make it appear as though it originates from and is supported by grassroots participants. Thanks, Wikipedia!)
Cut to Rochelle and Gustav at the lab, ready to open up his bug trap. Rochelle makes the overly excited Gustav sit far, far away from her, and these two are pretty cute together. (M: I’m liking Rochelle more and more.) They bond a little over both having lost someone they love to these bugs. Gustav promises they’ll figure this out, and it’s a nice little moment of tenderness. Then Rochelle pulls an enormous cockroach from the bug trap and hilariously asks Gustav if he wants it back. He’s too busy running for the door, though, because the bugs are still in his apartment. SAVE THE KITTEH!
Cut to Laurel wrapping things up with the female senators, who she’s clearly charmed.
Laurel calls Luke to tell him how well the meeting went, but as she’s walking back to the office she’s stopped by Agent Blades and some FBI dudes. They take her phone and make it clear she has no choice but to go with them.
Later, Laurel’s sitting in an interrogation room when Agent Blades comes in. She tells him her brother’s been expecting her for an hour, but he doesn’t care. He asks her what she knows about C.H.I.s, or Catastrophic Head Injuries. He wants to know why she called Agent Onofrio about Oscar, and why she ran out on them when she heard about Jonathan Broadbent. Laurel argues about pesky little things like HER RIGHTS and tries to leave. Blades tells her she’s not allowed to leave and he doesn’t understand why she’s making this so contentious. (Um, maybe because you’re holding her against her will, asshole!) There’s something about Blades’s measured, patronizing tone that reminds me of Agent Smith from The Matrix, only Blades is paunchier and lacks the cool sunglasses.
Laurel refuses to sit, so Blades starts asking her questions about the “African-American man” she was seen talking to outside the Library of Congress. I guess Gustav was right about them being watched!
Mari: To be fair, he did point out two dudes sharing a chocolate bar back and forth. Who shares a chocolate bar? SUS.
Dani: Laurel looks creeped out by this new line of questioning, but before she can say anything, Agent Studly Onofrio comes into the room. Laurel looks to him for help, but he just tells her to sit down. Dammit, Anthony — don’t make me start referring to you by your government name! Blades repeats his question about the African-American man, and Laurel looks ill.
The agents eventually exit the room, and Blades asks Agent Traitorous Bastard what he thinks. He’s not sure, but Blades says they should keep Laurel overnight. Then Luke busts in with his security detail, demanding to know why they’re holding his sister illegally. Anthony tells him she’s a witness and they’re just questioning her, so Luke says that means she’s free to go.
Blades says they got a call from a terrorist group claiming responsibility for the exploding heads, but he won’t tell Luke which group. (I’m guessing it was The United Federation of Contrivance.) (M: *shakes fist*) Luke says fine, then they can make an appointment and question Laurel later. He tries to walk to the interrogation room, but Blades blocks him. Luke reminds Blades that he sits on the Senate Appropriations Committee and probably isn’t the best person to piss off.
Cut to Luke and Laurel in the car, driving away. Laurel thanks Luke, admiring the way he charged in there, and Luke agrees he was pretty heroic. Oh, Luke. Laurel’s phone rings, but she doesn’t answer because she sees that it’s Agent Dickhead. She calls him a bastard then marvels at her penchant for attracting losers. Luke tells her to slow her roll, because Anthony was the one who called and told him she was being questioned.
Okay, Agent Charming. You’re forgiven.
Luke also tells Laurel that Ella backed down, so her talking to the female senators worked. He guesses Laurel told them the story about him carrying her in the snow, and he’s right.
Laurel: I almost cried.
Luke: I love you, sis.
Aww. It’s moments like these that make it hard to hate Luke 24/7. (M: I definitely only hate Luke for, like, half days.) Luke points out that nobody got killed today, so that’s a plus. Wow, the standard for what passes as a good day has really fallen.
Cut to Gustav’s apartment, where “You Might Think” is playing on repeat. Gustav is crawling around on his hands and knees with a parabolic microphone, searching for meteor bugs. His cat meows at him, and Gustav gives kitty a look like “yeah, I know I’m crazy” before returning to his search. Then the cat meows again, sounding different this time, and Gustav looks at him a little more carefully. He realizes where the meteor bugs went, and his face falls as he says, “Damn” and the episode ends.
I’ll let tumblr echo my reaction:
Mari: On the bright side, we have a “cats will eat you” tag for just such an occasion.
Dani: Now we need a “take Monk, you bastards” tag, too.
I liked the fact that Laurel, Rochelle, and Gustav have all come together to investigate the bugs, and I’m glad that the show didn’t waste time on one character trying to convince everyone the bugs are real, while others refuse to believe it, despite overwhelming evidence. That shit got old quick in The X-Files.
We saw some of the dirtier aspects of politics this week, with the leaking of personal attacks and the inventing of grassroots support. Other plot stuff happened, but the shipper in me will always just think of this as The Kiss Episode.
Mari: FAIR. Still having mostly positive feelings about this, especially because this show is doing a really good job of balancing the development of the bug infestation with the politics showdown. If it keeps moving at this pace, I’ll be a happy camper.
Next time on BrainDead: We hold our breath for that precious kitty in S01 E04 – Wake Up Grassroots: The Nine Virtues of Participatory Democracy, and How We Can Keep America Great by Encouraging an Informed Electorate.
I’m a serial procrastinator and a genuinely terrible singer, and if anyone knows how to monetize either of these skills please hit me up. In my spare time, I like to study Dutch painters, Italian architecture, and Canadian bacon.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
