Previously: We finally found out what was on Donna’s back, and Rose turned up to help set things right again.
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The Stolen Earth
Kirsti: The TARDIS lands, and the Doctor rushes out in a panic into suburban London, Donna behind him. He’s surprised to see that everything’s perfectly normal. Donna’s too busy being all, “so that was Rose Tyler, huh?” (M: Kinda fair given all the Doctor’s moping over her…) The Doctor says that if Rose is back, it means the walls between parallel universes are breaking down, and they’ll take all the dimensions down with them. He rushes back into the TARDIS. Across the street from the TARDIS, a milk van starts to shake, and the tiles fall off a house roof. The milkman stares up at the sky in shock.
Inside the TARDIS, the Doctor rushes around frantically. “The thing is, Doctor, no matter what’s happening, and I’m sure it’s bad, I get that but, Rose is coming back. Isn’t that good?” Donna asks. He pauses for a second, then gives this just-saw-his-bride-walking-down-the-aisle grin as he agrees that yes, it’s a good thing. Donna smiles back at him, a little teary. Just then, the TARDIS lurches. The Doctor declares that it came from outside and throws open the doors to find that they’re in space. But they haven’t moved. They’re exactly where they were. But Earth is gone. Womp.
“Far across the universe…” scrolls across the screen. Martha Mothereffing Jones(!) (M: YAY!) picks herself up off the floor at UNIT New York. She checks if people are okay as UNIT staff try to get in contact with their other branches. A woman named Suzanne is all “Uh, Martha? Look at the freaking sky…”
Cardiff. The Torchwood team(!!) picks themselves up. Gwen says the whole of South Wales must have felt that earthquake. Jack (God, I’ve missed Jack…) rushes outside to see what’s going on. Ianto crosses to a computer screen and taps a few buttons. “A little bit bigger than South Wales…” he says.
Ealing. Sarah Jane Smith(!!!) picks herself up from the floor of her study and calls out to her son, Luke. Luke’s fine, and informs her that it “Felt like some sort of cross-dimensional spatial transference.” Sarah Jane points out that it was 8am and now it’s dark out, so WTF. Their handy dandy computer pal, Mr Smith, tells Sarah Jane to look outside.
Chiswick. Wilf bets his pension that aliens are involved as he waves a cricket bat around. Sylvia’s all “DAD. LOOK AT THE SKY.” We cut between the various locations and everyone being all “OMG WTF”. Finally, we cut to the milkman, who’s staring at the sky in horror. He hears a noise behind him and spins around just in time to see Rose Mothereffing Tyler blink into existence, holding a massive gun. The Zoomy Cameraman does some of his best work before Rose’s head snaps back as she stares up at the sky. “Right, now we’re in trouble… It’s only just beginning,” she says. The camera pans around to show us that the night sky is now full of ridiculously close planets rather than distant stars.
Marines: What a cold open! I didn’t want to go in and follow all of K’s !!!s with !!!s of my own, but what a treat to have so many beloved characters all in one episode. I mean, I’ve seen this before and I was still squealing as they kept rolling in. Hooray companions!
K: SERIOUSLY. Also, sorry not sorry about the exclamation mark abuse.
After the most epic cast list of all time, we’re back in the TARDIS. Donna wants to know what the fuck’s happened to her family, and the Doctor says he has no idea. He says they need to get help and tells her to hold on, because he’s taking her “to the Shadow Proclamation.” The TARDIS vworp vworps away.
Torchwood. Ianto’s flicking through TV channels. The standard American newsreader says the UN has asked people not to panic, but that there’s no explanation for why there are suddenly 26 planets in the sky. Richard Dawkins says all you have to do is look at the stars to know that we’ve moved to the planets, not vice versa. And Paul O’Grady wants to know if he was drinking furniture polish that there are suddenly planets in the sky. Ianto cackles, and Jack snaps that it’s not the time or place.
In case you don’t know, I love Ianto Jones. Like, a lot.
Mari: Anytime Jack shows up, I’m like “…but maybe I do want to watch Torchwood?” You always say no, K, but now you are telling me you love this adorable character. C’MON.
K: I mean, I love Torchwood. But it’s a fucking mess. So.
Gwen’s on the phone to Rhys. She tells him to reassure her mother, that she’ll be home soon, and that she loves him. Jack says someone’s made a protective bubble around the Earth to keep the atmosphere in. So clearly someone wants to keep them all alive. Ianto taps on his keyboard and realises that there’s something hidden in the middle of the 27 planets. Gwen declares that it’s not a planet. It’s something else.
Ealing. Sarah Jane and Mr Smith work out that the something else is a space station, like a spider in the middle of the web of planets. Luke gets off the phone and informs Sarah Jane that the other cast members of the Sarah Jane Adventures are somewhere safe and won’t be appearing in this episode. Mr Smith says there’s something moving between the planets. “Spaceships!” Luke says excitedly.
New York. An army bigwig announces that there are 200 objects heading for Earth and they need to do something. Martha says she’s trying to phone the Doctor, but it’s not connecting. That number works anywhere in the universe, so whoever’s taken the Earth must be blocking the signal. Army Bigwig says they’re about to find out who “they” is when the objects reach orbit.
London. People – mostly lads, from the look of it – are going bonkers, rioting and looting and driving their cars on the footpath. Rose walks out of the Underground and walks calmly through the chaos. She spots a couple of lads breaking into a computer shop, and scares them off with her enormous gun. She sits down in front of a computer and watches as red blobs approach the Earth.
Chiswick. Sylvia watches the news reports in horror as Wilf tearily tries to phone Donna. There’s no answer.
Torchwood. Jack’s phone rings. It’s Martha, asking if he’s heard from the Doctor. He hasn’t. She tells him that she’s been promoted to medical director on Project Indigo, and Jack says “Did you get that thing working?” in surprise. Martha’s all “WTF, it’s top secret,” and Jack smirks that he met a soldier in a bar. Ianto gets insta-jealous. Gwen points out that the red blobs are only 1500 miles away.
Ealing. Mr Smith tells Sarah Jane that he’s receiving a message from the red blobs. She tells him to put it through. “EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!” sounds over and over again. Sarah Jane shakes in fear. The Torchwood gang and Martha hear the same message. Martha looks like she’s about to pee her pants. Jack pulls Ianto and Gwen into a hug, and kisses their foreheads. “There’s nothing I can do...” he says.
Rose gets teary, then grabs her massive gun and walks back out into the street. A stereotypical flying saucer passes overhead, taking pot shots at the street. A shop blows up dramatically as Rose walks away without even batting an eyelid.
K: Absolutely!
We cut to the Dalek ships as they close in on Earth. Various Daleks inform us that they’re locked and loaded and ready to murder human faces off. New York. Army Bigwig announces that they’re at war. But the building shakes as the Dalek ships descend and start shooting. Dalek Ship. The Supreme Dalek, who’s red and ridiculous, says “Soon the Crucible will be complete!” and gloats that the Daleks are now the masters of Earth. All the little Daleks repeat “Daleks are the masters of Earth!” over and over.
TARDIS. Donna’s all “Uhhhh, the fuck is the Shadow Proclamation?” The Doctor informs her that it’s a fancy way of saying space police. The TARDIS lands, and they emerge into a corridor full of Judoon. After a brief “let’s make David Tennant say syllables that are hard to say without sounding Scottish” exchange, they’re allowed to pass.
Cut to them talking with an albino woman in a creepy black dress. The transcript I’m using informs me that she’s The Architect. She insists that he can’t possibly be a Time Lord because Time Lords are the stuff of legends. He’s all “Yup. Still here though.” Also, he has a missing planet to report. She informs him that he’s a little late to the party because 24 planets have gone missing, all at the same time, from all over the universe. She shows him a map, and says that all the planets are unconnected.
“What about Pyrovillia?” says Donna. The Architect gives her the facial expression equivalent of “New phone, who dis?” (M: A+) “Donna. I’m a human being. Maybe not the stuff of legend but every bit as important as Time Lords, thank you!” Donna says. The Doctor gives a proud little smile.
K: SO MUCH. It’s a really effective way of showing how far she’s come as a character since meeting the Doctor.
The Architect snaps that Pyrovillia is a cold case, because it disappeared two thousand years ago. Donna mentions the Adipose breeding planet, which also went missing years ago.
The Doctor gets Idea Face and says that planets are being taken from time as well as space. He adds Pyrovillia in, along with Adipose Three and the lost moon of Poosh. Suddenly, the planets on the 3D display spin around him, rearranging themselves into the perfect alignment. Donna’s all “HI PLEASE EXPLAIN”, and the Doctor tells her that the planets fit together like pieces in an engine, for a specific purpose. The Architect asks who’d do such a thing, and the Doctor gets Thoughtful Face as he remembers that someone tried to move the Earth once before. “It can’t be…” he says.
Meanwhile, the Daleks are attacking the Valiant (aka the SHIELD helicarrier). In Cardiff, Ianto and Gwen call out to Jack as they lose contact with various military bases. Jack calls Martha and tells her to GTFO. She insists that she can’t. Army Bigwig comes over to Martha and informs her that they’re activating Project Indigo and she needs to go with them immediately. As she follows him, she says that they don’t even know if it’ll work. Behind them, the UNIT forces are exterminated.
In a research space, Army Bigwig orders Martha to put on a harness-y thing. Down the phone, Jack screams at her that she can’t because it’s not safe. Army Bigwig says her orders come from UNIT, not Torchwood. He says she’s the only one who can find the Doctor. Failing that, he authorises her to use what looks like a big ass memory card. He says it’s the Osterhagen Key. Martha looks horrified and says she can’t possibly use it. He insists that she has to, for the sake of the human race. He wishes her luck as Daleks break into the room and start firing. Martha tells Jack goodbye as he screams at her not to do it. She pulls the parachute cord looking things on the harness, and vanishes.
Mari: Not as cool as Rose’s IRL fadeout, but okay.
K: Poor Martha. Always playing second fiddle to Rose…
Torchwood. Jack’s devastated. Ianto asks what Project Indigo is. Jack tells him it’s an experimental teleport taken from the Sontarans, but without stabilisation or coordinates, it’s just turned Martha into atoms. Womp. Ianto covers his mouth in horror.
Dalek ship. The Supreme Dalek orders its forces to begin landing, and informs someone offscreen that the Earth has been subjugated. The Mysterious Offscreen Person Who Is Definitely Not Davros asks if there’s been news of “him”. The Supreme Dalek says they’re beyond the Doctor’s reach. Mysterious Offscreen Person warns the Supreme Dalek against being a gloaty pants because Daleks don’t do emotions. He goes on to say that Dalek Caan is uneasy. We flash to a tentacle-y Dalek in the remains of its casing.
The Supreme Dalek is all “EW WHAT WOULD DALEK CAAN KNOW, HE’S BONKERS.” Mysterious Offscreen Person tells the Supreme Dalek to show respect because Dalek Caan can only speak the truth and none of this would be possible without him. Dalek Caan rambles madly and says that the Doctor is coming, then giggles.
Shadow Proclamation. Donna sits tearily on the stairs. She suddenly becomes incredibly aware of her own heartbeat, and the Zoomy Cameraman earns his pay cheque. Another albino woman approaches and offers her water. Donna thanks her. The woman says knowingly that Donna had something on her back, and that she’s something new now. Donna insists that she’s just a temp, and now totally useless. The woman offers condolences for her loss, and Donna’s all “Yeah, my whole planet’s gone.” But the woman whispers “I meant the loss that is yet to come. God save you.” Then she rushes away as Donna looks confused.
Mari: Rude.
K: The Doctor asks if there were any weird recurring things happening on Earth in Donna’s time. She wipes her eyes and eventually remembers that the bees were disappearing. The Doctor pooh poohs that suggestion, then realises that maybe the disappearing bees were actually alien bees fleeing danger. He and the Architect realise they can track the standard pattern used by alien bee species and work out where the Earth went.
Donna and the Doctor sprint to the TARDIS. He checks some screens, then rushes back to the door to tell the Architect that they have a signal. She informs him that if that’s the case, she’s commandeering the TARDIS, because the planets were taken with hostile intent. They’re declaring war across the universe, and he’s going to lead them into battle. The Doctor’s all “Um. Sure. Yeah. Sounds good. Lemme just do one thing real quick…”.
He heads back into the TARDIS and closes the door. Then he sprints to the console, grins madly at Donna, and they vworp vworp away. The Architect screams “I ORDER TO YOU STOP!“, but LOL NOPE.
Mari: With a fancy name like The Architect, she should’ve see that coming.
K: You’d think.
Back on Earth, the Daleks are dividing up families, separating men and women. Wilf and Sylvia hide in the shadows, Wilf determined to blind some Daleks with his paintball gun. Bless him. One family resists, and runs back into their house. The Daleks blow it up. Wilf and Sylvia sneak away, only to come face to face with a Dalek in the next street. Wilf shoots its eye stalk with his paintball gun, but the paint boils away.
The Dalek gets all “HOW FUCKING DARE YOU” and goes into EXTERMINATE mode. But just as it’s about to shoot, it explodes.
The camera pans up to show Rose standing behind what’s left of the Dalek. “Do you want to swap?” Wilf asks, gesturing with his paintball gun. It’s oddly adorable. (M: How can it not be with Rose AND Wilf?) She introduces herself, and says that she knows they’re Donna’s family. Then she says she needs their help. They head back to Chez Noble. Rose asks when they last heard from Donna, and Wilf says it was when she was on Midnight. Sylvia’s all “THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??” and Wilf tells her that Donna’s been out travelling the stars all this time. She doesn’t want to believe him. Rose says sadly that they were her last hope of finding the Doctor. She wonders where the hell he is.
TARDIS. They’re vworp vworping away, when suddenly the engine stops dead. The Doctor tells Donna they’re in the middle of the Medusa Cascade, a rift in time and space. It’s the end of the trail. She asks what they’re going to do. He doesn’t answer. She tearfully says that he never gives up and begs him for an answer. He still says nothing. Donna claps her hands over her mouth in horror.
Torchwood. Gwen and Ianto listen as the UN surrenders to the Daleks. Sarah Jane hugs Luke as the Daleks gloat about reigning supreme. Wilf hugs Sylvia as she cries. Suddenly, there’s a beeping sound, like an SOS call. On the Nobles’ computer, a pixelly image appears, someone saying that the Subwave Network is open and asking if anyone can hear them. Rose says she knows that voice. Sarah Jane can hear the same voice, and tells Luke there’s nothing they can do. But he points out that Mr Smith is processing the signal.
Gwen hears it too and rushes to the computer. Jack tells her to leave it. “Captain Jack Harkness, shame on you! Now, stand to attention, sir,” says the voice from the computer. Jack rushes over in time to see HARRIET JONES, FORMER PRIME MINISTER (M: !!!!!) appear on the screen. “Harriet, it’s me, it’s me!” Rose calls. But Harriet can’t hear her. She asks Sylvia if they have a webcam, but Wilf says he’s not allowed because “they’re naughty“.
Harriet gets in contact with Sarah Jane, then makes all their images appear on her screen. She says the fourth contact appears to be having trouble getting through, and Rose calls that it’s her. Harriet boosts the signal, and Martha pops onto the screen. Jack’s thrilled to see her. Martha says that Project Indigo took her to the place she most wanted to go – home. Harriet introduces them all, and Jack flirts with Sarah Jane because of course he does.
Mari: I was at once smiling because of Jack and heartbroken over Rose being left out of this little reunion.
K: YUP.
Martha asks how they found her. Harriet says that the Subwave Network is something she designed to help find anyone who can contact the Doctor. And it’s undetectable. Jack’s all “Cool story, but we need a weapon.” He asks what Army Bigwig gave Martha, and Harriet says that the Osterhagen Key isn’t to be used under any circumstances and that they should all forget about it instantly.
She says that all they need is the Doctor. Martha says she’s been trying to phone him without success. Rose, watching at the Nobles, bitches that she’s been doing the same and she was here first. Harriet says they need to combine forces, be the Doctor’s secret army. Literally all I can think of is Order of the Phoenix and how well Dumbledore’s Army turned out. (M: Instant tears.) (K: Sorry…)
Jack suggests that they can use the power of Torchwood and the Rift to boost the signal. Luke says they can use Mr Smith to have every phone on the planet call the Doctor at the same time. Ianto points out that this will make the Subwave Network visible. Harriet says she knows, and that the Daleks will track it to her. Her life, she says, doesn’t matter. Not when the entire planet is at stake. Jack salutes sharply. They join forces and make the call. Circles of energy stream out of the Rift and into space.
In the TARDIS, the phone rings. The Doctor grabs it and realises they can trace the signal. The Daleks freak out, and the Supreme Dalek orders his forces to move against the Subwave Network. Mysterious Offscreen Person is all “I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO”. Back at Torchwood, things start exploding. Mr Smith starts creating sparks. Rose and the Nobles phone the Doctor’s number repeatedly. “Find me, Doctor. Find me!” Rose whispers. (M: Instant Tears 2: 2 Tear 2 Furious)
The Doctor locks onto the signal. Gwen informs Harriet that her signal’s been found by the Daleks. She says she knows and that she’s masking their signals to keep them safe. The Daleks blow her door in. Meanwhile, the TARDIS console is on fire as Donna and the Doctor hang on for dear life.
Harriet tells Jack she’s transferring control of the Subwave Network to Torchwood and to tell the Doctor that he chose his companions well. Then she stands and faces the Daleks. “Harriet Jones, former Prime Minister,” she snaps. “Yes. We know who you are,” the Daleks reply. (M: I love this cheesy ongoing joke.) She tells them they know nothing of humans and it’ll be their downfall. They exterminate her, and one quarter of everyone’s screens turns to static.
With some screams and a lot of flames, the TARDIS pops through into the Dalek hiding place. The Doctor tells Donna the entire Medusa Cascade was placed one second out of sync with the rest of the universe. But they’ve found it now. Then they get a signal and are linked into the Subwave Network. “Where the HELL have you been?” Jack yells.
Everyone talks at once, and the Doctor grins and says, “Look at you all, you clever people.” He points out who everyone is to Donna, who only has eyes for Jack.
“Doctor, it’s me. I came back...” Rose says sadly, still watching but unable to be seen. Donna says it’s like an outer space Facebook. “Everyone except Rose...” says the Doctor. She sad pandas.
Back on the Dalek ship, Dalek Caan cackles madly about the Doctor’s return. Mysterious Offscreen Person demands to be tapped into the Subwave Network. “Your voice is different and yet its arrogance is unchanged,” he tells the Doctor. “No. But he’s dead!” Sarah Jane says in horror. Mysterious Offscreen Person rolls into the light and is all “SUP Y’ALL? DAVROS IN THE HOUSE”. The Doctor insists that he saw Davros die during the Time War, and Davros is all “LOL, that’s what you think!”
Mari: The Time War and Krypton should get together and discuss what it means for “everyone” to be dead.
K: They really should.
He says that Dalek Caan did an emergency temporal shift into the Time War to save him. It cost him his mind, but got Davros out. And now he’s made a new race of Daleks, each grown from one of his cells. He shows off his mangled body. Ew. He asks what the Doctor has to say to all of this, and the answer is basically FUCKITY BYE. The TARDIS flies off.
The Daleks find the location of Torchwood. Jack tells Martha to pull apart Project Indigo and tell him what the changing numbers on one panel are. She tells him, saying that they could never work out what they were. He says they’re teleport base codes, just what he needs to get his wrist teleporter working again. He tells Gwen and Ianto that he’s going to find the Doctor, but that he’ll be back. Ianto says they’ll be fine. Jack vanishes, and the Daleks start breaking through the door. “They’re here...” Gwen says.
Sarah Jane tells Luke to stay put because she’s going to find the Doctor. Mr Smith says he’ll protect Luke. She runs out into the night and jumps in her car. Rose makes a phone call and tells the person on the other end that she needs another shift, locked onto the TARDIS. She hangs up and says “Right. I’m going to find him. Wish me luck?” Sylvia and Wilf do so, and Rose vanishes in a flash of white light.
Meanwhile, the TARDIS has landed outside a church. Donna says it’s like a ghost town. The Doctor wonders why they’d take all the people, and asks exactly what Rose said when Donna saw her in the other reality. “Why don’t you ask her yourself?” Donna says with a smile. The Doctor turns, with this look of hope and fear and oh-god-don’t-let-my-hearts-break-all-over-again on his face. The tinkly orchestra tinkles as he sees Rose standing down the street. Donna smiles fondly as they sprint towards each other. I may have cried a little the first time I watched this.
K: EXACTLY OMG.
But there’s a cockblocking Dalek hiding behind a van. It shoots and hits the Doctor, who collapses on the ground. Rose and Donna gasp in horror. Jack appears and blows it up. Rose rushes to the Doctor and begs him not to die. Donna and Jack rush up and help carry him to the TARDIS.
Back at Torchwood, Gwen’s pulled out some machine guns and says she’s going to go down fighting, like Owen and Tosh. Ow, my feels. Ianto takes a gun.
TARDIS. Donna asks in a panic what they do. Jack tells Rose to stand back because she knows what’s coming. She cries and says “Oh, no. I came all this way!” (Take a break, run away with us for the summer, let’s go upstaaaate). But the Doctor’s hand starts to glow. “It’s starting,” he says in a strained voice.
Out in the street, Sarah Jane is stopped by Daleks, telling her that all human transport is banned. She surrenders and apologises to them. But Daleks don’t accept apologies, and they start chanting “EXTERMINATE!” at her. The Torchwood Daleks do the same. Gwen and Ianto start shooting.
“Here he goes! Good luck, Doctor,” Jack says as he pulls Rose away. Donna asks what the fuck is happening. Rose quickly fills her in on regeneration, but insists that the Doctor can’t. Not now. “I’m sorry, it’s too late. I’m regenerating...” the Doctor says. Orange sparkles explode from his hands and face, and TO BE CONTINUED flashes across the screen. Rude.
I really love this as a set up for the finale. It takes a while to get to the big Davros reveal, and frankly it was pretty predictable if you know ANYTHING about the Daleks. Like, who else was going to be rolling around looking Dalek-y on the bottom and human-y on the top?? But I loved the “bring back all the companions” aspect of it, as well as incorporating the other Who-niverse shows. It’s a hell of a lot of fun, and it’s building to one hell of a finale.
Mari: This entire episode feels like an extended panic. Yep, I liked it too and it doesn’t matter that I’ve seen it before. It was exciting to have all these wonderful characters on my screen at the same time as it ever was.
Next time on Doctor Who: Will the Doctor regenerate? Will they save the planet? And will Rose ever get to make out with the Doctor? Find out in S04 E13 – Journey’s End.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
