Eclipse Chapter 17 – Poor sport

Previously: Bella graduated and prepared to meet party doom.
—

Marines: As Bella walks the plank that will lead her to a UGH, OH MY GOD, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? party, Edward sneaks up behind her and pulls her into a kiss. Bella tells us there is too much “tension edge” and “lip crush” to the kiss, which has her worried. Because Edward only kisses her to manipulate her, prove a point, or when he’s secretly trying to say goodbye.

Annie: Again, why the fuck are they together? There is no real passion here, unless you count the passion for murdering her, so what the fuck. Kissing should be an enjoyable experience. It shouldn’t leave you feeling icky, ladies and gents. If it does, that’s a red flag that something is wrong.

Kirsti: Seriously. If the first sentence used to describe kissing your boyfriend is “this kiss frightened me,” maybe that’s a person you shouldn’t be kissing.

Mari: After the kiss, Bella says it’s time to get the stupid party over with and Edward replies to that with, “I won’t let anything happen to you.” I thought this was Edward being way over dramatic about this party, but then I remembered that the last party his family threw for Bella ended in the most life-threatening papercut of all time. When your boyfriend’s family is a bunch of murderers, constant reassurances aren’t all that dramatic.

Catherine: Also maybe don’t party with them? 

Mari: You would think.

Inside, Bella is super impressed because Alice has turned the house into the kind of club you see on TV. Bella says this because she doesn’t think clubs like this exist in real life. I would tell her to shut up and just admit that she’s never been inside of a club in her whole entire life. And that’s fine. Truly. But it’s such a pretentious thing to be all, “clubs like this don’t often exist in real life,” because HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?

Alice asks Edward if she should play “familiar and comforting” music or “educate their taste in music.” Pretentious assholes as far as the eye can see. (C:Put on some fucking Debussy, Alice. That ought to go over well.)

K: Ugh. I once had a guy tell me that I needed “complete musical re-education”. I wish someone had taken a photo of my facial expression at that moment just so I could use it as a reaction to everything Edward Cullen says.

Mari: Bella tells us that Alice is wearing a sequined top and red leather pants because it’s the 90’s and Alice takes all her fashion cues from The Spice Girls.

Edward finds Jasper and Carlisle to tell them about Bella’s “epiphany,” aka that thing where she figured out that the Seattle murder and her B&E were connected, even though most of us took that for granted like 200 pages ago. Carlisle and Jasper are really worried since they don’t have any help, but all that disappears when the doorbell rings and the first of the party guests arrive.

Alice dances to answer the door.

If this not what actually happened, I don’t want to know. (A: Me neither.)

So, anyway, it’s a bunch of Bella’s friends who came together because there is safety in numbers. (K: LOL, FRIENDS. I like how they’re Bella’s friends now, but whenever they want to hang out or, like, TALK TO HER, she’s all “Ew, no.”) Bella spouts some crap about how the Cullen-Hales are all acting perfectly human today, so she feels like she’s putting on an act, too. Honey, you’ve been trying to act human all series. You’ve been failing.

Catherine: All I can picture for this party is that episode of the I.T. Crowd where they have a dinner party: 

K: PERFECTION.

Mari: People keep arriving and even though it’s supposed to be a joint party, most everyone is talking to and congratulating Bella. She chalks it up to the fact that all the vampires look really weird under the party lights Alice set. Bella even goes as far as to say that Alice probably did it on purpose to force Bella to be the center of attention. SURE, BELLA. It’s the untz-untz-untz lights and not the fact that the weirdest, most anti-social people in the entire school, who are cult-like with a side of incest invited everyone to a graduation party out of the blue. If you look like the better option for socializing next to them, I feel bad for everyone in attendance at this party.

Annie: I call bullshit on this whole party. There are no way this many people would turn up to a party to celebrate Bella at a murderhouse. I think Stephenie is asking me to suspend my disbelief more with this party than the whole sparkly vampires and werewolves are real thing. I am not a fan of the big teenage party plot device, even more so with this terrible heroine.  

K: Maybe they didn’t know whose house it was? I mention this only because I was recently informed that SMeyer hosts Mormon Prom (who knew that was a thing?!) most years, and half the teens who attend come home being all “Wow, who the hell has that much money?!”.

Mari: Please don’t remind me of all the money she made off this series.

Even though she just told us that people are taking physical steps back away from the Cullen-Hales, Bella says the party is a success! Everything is perfect! The fact that I’m sure everyone here kind of suspects the hosts of being murders just adds a “thrill” to the air! Bella makes it over to Jessica who is once again talking to her, though Bella deems it unnecessary to listen or respond.

Edward has been hanging out by Bella this whole time, but while Jess is chattering, he excuses himself for a second. Jess keeps talking, but Bella really can’t concentrate now because Edward is doing something and she doesn’t know what. Obviously, she promptly drops Jess and goes after Edward. I like to imagine that the whole time Jess is talking, she’s just saying insulting or nonsensical crap because she knows Bella isn’t listening. Then when Bella finally leaves her alone, she goes to tell her actual friends what amazing insults she just created and said to Bella’s face, all without that buttmunching maggot realizing. (C: New headcanon!) (K: Well and truly accepted.)

By the time Bella reaches Alice, Edward is gone. Alice has this look on her face like her contrivance-nition just showed her something real bad. Edward is somewhere else in the crowd, his face looking “empty as a stone.” So, normal. He turns again and “disappeared into the shadows under the stair.” Whatcha doing under the stairs, creeper? (A: Plotting murder or watching Bella, probs.)

Bella demands to know what’s going on, but the doorbell rings and it’s a werewolf. Alice tells Bella to go handle that and she takes off too.

Jacob came to the party with Quil and Embry, both of whom are incredibly uncomfortable. (K: LEGIT.) Bella waves a goodbye wave at Jacob and tries to walk away, but he grabs her and stops her. When she tells him that when she broke her hand on his werewolf face, it was the equivalent of her uninviting him to this party, he replies, “don’t be a poor sport.” 

DON’T BE A POOR SPORT. As if his sexual harassment is the same as losing school yard tug-o-war. Like, buck up, Bella and lose your agency, sense of safety, and right to choose who the hell kisses you with a little grace.

Annie: This cemented my #TeamRock status. Jacob, go fuck yourself. There is nothing more disgusting to me than an abuser telling their victim it was a joke, that they should lighten up, that there is something wrong with THEM for being upset they were harassed. How about instead of her stopping being ‘a poor sport’ you stop sexually harassing her? Cool? Cool. You fucking wanker.

Catherine: BELLA ALL OF YOUR ROMANTIC PROSPECTS ARE DICK SANDWICHES PLEASE LEAVE TOWN. 

K: AND SET FIRE TO THE TOWN ON YOUR WAY OUT. (Which reminds me: when I was in Seattle last month, Port Angeles was marked on the ferry maps and I glared at it every time I saw it because it just reminded me that this godawful series exists…)

Mari: Jacob brought a gift he made for Bella, though she’s more interested in trying to find where all the Cullens disappeared to.

Jacob apologizes for kissing Bella and says he deluded himself into thinking she wanted it. (C: Ew, WTF?) When Bella’s like, “um, YEAH highly delusional,” Jacobs says, “Be nice. You could accepted my apology, you know.” How is Stephenie Meyer making Jacob worse in the middle of an apology?

Annie: PSA: Ladies and gentlemen, you do not under any circumstances have to accept an apology from your abuser or harasser, ever. Even if he or she brings you a gift. Even if she or he tries to bully you into it. You owe them absolutely nothing. 

C: Good PSA. All accurate. I wish we could go back to the 90’s and convince Bella of this. 

Mari: It’s 2016 and I’d settle for convincing Stephenie of this, but also everyone who read this as an impressionable teen.

Bella has very little time for this so Jacob pulls out all the stops and guilt trips about how Bella only has time for her real friends now. He even looks down at his feet and pouts, I shit you not. (A: FUCK YOU, JACOB.) Bella feels bad for him and asks about the present he made. He presents it to her: a hand carved wolf charm on a silver bracelet. Meyer makes sure to let us know that it’s super realistic and “it was even carved out of some red-brown wood that matched the color of his skin.” 

Annie: Racism shots? Please?

K: Uh, yeah. I also have to say that the post-it I stuck to the page says “This love triangle is so fucking stupid I can’t even.” 

Mari: Bella loves the gift and promises to wear it, which makes Jacob happy. Soon, though, Bella is back to being distracted and Jacob quickly puts together that she’s worried and probably about the vampires who did some breaking and organizing in her room. When Quil and Embry see Jacob get all shifty, they come up and all demand to know what’s going on.

Bella finally spots Alice and calls out to her for some help. Alice skips over (Alice, please walk dammit) and Jacob gets all demanding and growly with her about knowing what’s going on. Jasper appears and it’s all stare downs and stupidity, until Alice concedes that it might be useful for the wolves to know what’s going on.

Alice explains that the baby vampire army has made a decision to come to Forks, so Alice finally saw it. They are coming for Bella and apparently running away won’t help because they would still come to Forks and be evil, or whatever. (A: Let them coooome.) Jacob’s not fully understanding, so Alice tells him that a lot of vampires are on their way. Jacob asks if there are too many for the Cullens and Jasper really pulls through with those Confederate Army roots and calls Jacob a dog. Even though all Jacob asked was if they would be outnumbered. And his point anyway was to suggest that the wolves help them.

Alice is excited about this idea. Bella is the only one who protests about how the wolves could get hurt. Everyone basically ignores her, though, obviously. The wolves are really confident and even Jasper is okay with the idea of getting some help. They agree to meet later that night for some strategic planning, though Jasper does slip in one more moment of condescension when he asks how late is too late for the wolves.

Jacob, Quil and Embry leave incredibly happy at the prospect of killing baby vampires. Only Bella is distressed, though her cries are drowned out by the music.

Catherine: I can’t believe I never realized that Bella was granted the magical power of invisibility at some point. She should consider doing something with it. Like fighting crime! 

K: Meanwhile, I’m wondering what’s happening with everyone else at the party while all of this is going down? I’m guessing they’re standing around being all “I *KNEW* the Cullens were fucking weirdos! Either that, or it’s like my 18th birthday party where a friend’s fiance started making out with someone else and she stared daggers at him and we all awkwardly left the room to get my mum. (My 5′ tall friend ended up punching the shit out of her douchebag fiance, and my mum had to use her dog owner/school teacher voice to break it up.)

Mari: Still a better party than the Cullens’.

And meanwhile, I’m left to wonder what they hell we’re going to do for the rest of the book, with the plot running for our idiots, full speed ahead. But I only really wonder for one second because my chapter is over so I get to go pretend I don’t read this book now.

Bye!

Next time on Eclipse: Baby vampire killing training time in Chapter 18.