Previously: Bella dreads her party, but it doesn’t matter anyway because we basically ignore the party.
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Annie: We open this chapter in the car, on the ride home from the graduation party. Bella is being her usual ungrateful self and is complaining about how the graduation party was way too long.
You should try reading these goddamn books, Bella. (C: Seriously.) (K: AGREED.)
Edward is petting her arm, because she needs soothing. Like a baby. Bella tells us all the ways the vampires soothed her: Alice patted her, Esme kissed her forehead and Emmett burped her, then swaddled her. Probably.
Marines: I wonder if anyone thought to try a binky. I hear it helps.
Kirsti: Bella’s not much better than Edward – she refers to Jacob and his friends as “oversized, over-muscled children.” Uh, honey? Jacob’s a year younger than you. Sam’s older than you. STFU.
Annie: Bella wants Edward to take her to fight club practice, but Daddy Edward says no, because it is already way passed Bella’s bedtime. She threatens to call Jacob if he won’t take her and we don’t get Edward’s response to that (M: “Isabella Swan, don’t you dare sass me!”), because they have arrived at Bella’s house.
Bella tells Edward she’ll see him upstairs and then sneaks into the house and tiptoes over to a sleeping Charlie. I figure she’s being so stealthy to sneak upstairs without disturbing Charlie. But then she goes over to him and shakes him until he wakes up. But he doesn’t ever fully wake up? So Bella somehow manages to get her half-asleep father upstairs and to bed. She’s confident that her father is passed out enough that he won’t come looking for her.
Catherine: I guess Meyer shoehorned this in to keep up the pretense that Bella is still trying to take care of her grown father? What?
Annie: Bella washes her face and changes into jeans and a flannel shirt? These are the details I’m given, so maybe they’re significant? Edward is waiting for Bella in her bedroom. She pulls Edward over to her bed, then pushes him down onto it and then cuddles up with her marble slab of a boyfriend.
Bella is worried that no one seems to care that Jacob and his pack of teen wolves might get hurt, but Edward reassures Bella it will be perfect because baby vampires are apparently stupid and won’t expect werewolves. (C: Also, because they genuinely don’t care about the werewolves safety. Now go to sleep.)
Edward tries to pet Bella’s cheek and sing her to sleep, but she’s too focused on plotting how she’s going to put herself in mortal danger in this book.
K: “He started humming my lullaby, but, for once, it didn’t calm me.” <– a) STOP ABUSING COMMAS. b) Maybe it didn’t calm you because you’re eighteen fucking years old and you don’t need a lullaby, Bella.
Annie: Edward gives up on trying to put baby Bella down for night-nights and asks her if she is sure that she doesn’t want to sleep. Bella gives him a dirty look and he scoops her up in his arms (like a baby) and jumps out the window. Edward puts Bella onto his back, maybe tucking her into a baby sling, IDK, and then runs with her on his back to a big open field.
The Cullens are all there and once Bella’s sad and weak human eyes adjust to the dark, she realizes they’re in the clearing where the plot first walked out of the forest back in Twilight.
Bella compares Victoria to a hurricane and then tells Edward she thinks the three bad things that have gone on since Edward came back are all connected.
Like, I’m still surprised that we’re acting like this is new information.
K: More to the point, WHY are we still acting like this is new information?? It’s been like 3 chapters since she joined the dots we all joined half a book ago.
Annie: Bella thinks that the whole Victoria coming after her thing, the baby vampires running amok in Seattle and the strange visitor to her bedroom that stole her clothes must all be connected. No fucking shit, Sherlock. How are these things not connected? Didn’t Bella already decide at least two of these things were connected a few chapters ago? Have I blacked out and gotten stuck in some kind of awful timeloop?
Send help. Or booze.
Mari: I can’t even apologize for the way we have to keep talking about the same things in these recaps BECAUSE IT ISN’T OUR FAULT. We literally just went off about how this ISN’T a revelation, AND BELLA IS ADDING TO THE NON-REVELATION.
Catherine: She keeps bringing up the same information and then acting like it’s news! Whats worse is it’s all really obvious stuff, so she seems even dumber. WE KNOW, BELLA.
K: I added my previous rant about this not being new information before I saw all of this. Holy shit, she just keeps on forgetting that she already knew this stuff, doesn’t she?!
Annie: Edward tells Bella it could be possible that Victoria is behind all of the things, but for some inexplicable reason, he thinks the Volturi are behind it. Even though he admits that Bella’s theories make perfect sense for things that Victoria would do, it’s definitely not Victoria. Edward then patronizingly tells Bella that she’s very perceptive today and it’s impressive. And pats her on the head and calls her a good girl, probably. (C: Ugh)
Bella thinks maybe she’s just reacting to being back where it all started, and Edward promises that Victoria will never get her. He then pulls his lips back over his teeth and somehow manages to talk like that. (M: You can do it, but you look stupid. Try it at home!) He tells Bella he would love to murderface anyone who’s even thought of hurting Bella. Please start with yourself, Edward.
Mari: RIGHT because the big romantic tension of this whole damned series is that Edward wants to kill her. So.
Annie: Alice pouts because the werewolves are on their way, so her power of contrivance is not working. Emmett asks if Edward is going to permit Bella to practice. LOL, Emmett. You’re hilarious.
Carlisle asks Edward when the wolfpack will get there, and Edward apparently has a new tracking power? Because he’s able to tell that Jacob and the wolves will be arriving in exactly a minute and a half. Edward tells the group that they’ll be coming in wolf-form and to prepare themselves, because there are now ten wolves instead of six.
The wolves arrive and the vampires exclaim about how many of them there are and how big they are and Bella is left out because her stupid weak human eyes can’t see the horse-sized wolves. Edward welcomes them and then speaking as the translator of the group, says that Sam says they are there to observe, and that’s it.
Carlisle tells the wolf pack that Jasper has experience fighting newborn vampires and he will teach everyone how to kill them.
K: Carlisle refers to Jasper as his son, and I have to say, it kiiiiinda weirds me out. Because Jasper is literally only there because Alice wanted to find the Cullens. He’s only there because of Alice. He didn’t sign up for crazy vampire parents, yo. Plus, there’s the added squick of referring to Alice as your daughter and Jasper as your son when they’re banging (except that they’re OBVIOUSLY not because they’re not married, GOD.)
Mari: OH MY GOSH, I never thought about the fact that these ageless beings might not be banging in Meyer land because for some reason, they aren’t married yet. LOLOLOLOLOL.
Annie: Pass the brain bleach, please.
He explains that baby vampires are stupid when it comes to fighting because they can’t strategize and they have no skillz. There are apparently 20 of the baby vampires, so the wolves get 10 babies to kill, while the Cullens get the other 10. The wolves are super excited at the free pass to kill vampires and offer to kill more then their designated share. Carlisle tells them to wait and see how things go. He tells the group that the baby vampires will come across the mountains in 4 days and Alice will use her powers of contrivance to intercept them.
For a species that can run for Forks to Canada in a matter of hours, these newborns are sure taking their sweet time.
Mari: Edward did it with a car on his back. These babies are probably being distracted by shiny things or furry animals. It’s the only explanation.
Catherine: Clearly they’re stopping to collect Pokemon. Damn kids!
K: Pokemon trading cards, maybe. It IS the 90s.
Annie: Via Edward the translator, the wolves thank Carlisle for the info and tell him they will watch the baby vampire killing tutorials.
Jasper steps up to teach them how to fight. There are 3 pages of this shit so I’ll be brief:
Jasper explains the baby vamps will only expect the easy kill, so they just have to attack them smartly. Emmett, Alice and Edward take turns grappling with Jasper, while the wolves growl in appreciation? IDK.
I’ve just recapped 3 pages in two sentences. You’re welcome.
While Edward is distracted grappling with Jasper, Alice tells Bella that she’s watching her and if she gets more concrete about her plans to fuck things up, Alice will tell Edward what Bella is up to. Alice tells Bella that they will all keep fighting even if Bella is dead, so she should just stick to the damn plan for a change.
I mean, this is book 3. You’d think Bella would learn by now. (M: A-ha.)
Jasper continues to teach the others the fighting techniques while the wolves watch. Esme needs the most coaching, having the least amount of experience murdering babies.
Bella is starting to fall asleep when Edward tells her that they’re almost finished. Jasper invites the wolves to join them again the next night when they’ll continue murder practice. Edward, translating, says the wolves will be back the next night. He tells the vampires that the wolves would like to sniff them all so they’re familiar with the friendly vampires’ smells.
The vampires line up to be sniffed and Bella examines the wolves, picking out a shaggy, reddish-brown wolf that seems more comfortable around the vampires than the other wolves. (M: WTF. …is his tail wagging?)
K: Okay, I have to stop to have a slightly spoilery rant: “There was a light gray wolf that was much smaller than the others.” WHY. WHYYYYYYY. It makes literally no sense for Leah to be so much smaller than the guys. They all got insta-ripped the minute they became werewolves. Why wouldn’t she?!
Annie: The shaggy wolf is Jacob, and we know this by Meyer’s racist description of his russet-coloured fur. Wolf!Jacob wolf-smiles at Bella and she giggles. Wolf!Jacob breaks from the sniffing lineup and goes over to see Bella. She must truly be over the aggressive kissing, because she pets him and he licks her face. (C: WTF?) Bella playfully smacks him and they seem to have this refreshing, care-free moment and again, I’m wondering why the fuck she chose Daddy Edward over someone she seems to actually enjoy… until I remember the creepy, non-consensual kissing episode.
Bella realizes that they’re being watched by the Cullens and the wolves and no one seems particular happy about their interaction. Especially not Edward. (M: I mean… face licking was involved. It’s weird.) (K: I guess we should just be grateful that he doesn’t sniff her crotch?)
The wolves, minus Jacob, leave. Edward goes to collect Bella. He is responding to something Wolf!Jacob asks him and the two have a conversation where we only get Edward’s side. (M: AGAIN???????) (C: It’s a metaphor for how Bella sees the entire world.)
Edward says he’ll make sure it’s safe and Bella wants to know what they’re talking about. Wolf!Jacob runs off (as Bella notices his pants bag strapped to his leg) and comes back as human Jacob, because he wants to be able to talk for himself.
Jacob returns, wearing nothing but black pants, and continues the conversation. Apparently, the boys are talking about Bella again as if she’s:
1). A sack of flour
2). not standing right there
Poor Bella tries to interject, but c’mon, that’s not how this works. Let the male folk make the decisions for you like a good sack of flour.
K: Don’t be so mean to sacks of flour, Annie. They have more personality than Bella, not to mention the potential to be turned into pizza. Or cake. Or cookies. Or cheese sauce. Bella just has the potential to provide another 900 pages of nightmare fuel and rage.
Annie: #TeamSackofFlour. I’d much rather some homemade cake or pizza than this.
The vampire fight will happen on the coming Saturday night, so Bella starts worrying about her father and acquaintances while Edward and Jacob try to decide what to do with her. Jacob wants to bring Bella to La Push but Edward says that Bella goes back and forth to La Push too frequently for her to be safe there. The boys continue to fight until Bella almost passes out from exhaustion. Edward says he has to get Bella home, but Jacob wants to try something first.
Edward is using his powers to read Jacob’s head, so he knows Jacob’s plan before he verbalizes it. Edward calls Jasper over and the vampires seem to be communicating silently. Edward gives Jacob the okay and Jacob gets all excited. He goes over and holds his arms out to Bella, who has no idea what’s going on. Apparently, they’re going to see if Jacob’s icky dog smell will mask the super-attractive Bella scent.
Bella still seems confused, so Edward explains that she’s going to have to let Jacob carry her to test this out. (M: They agreed to all of this before even EXPLAINING. Everything is the worst.) Bella is not on board with this plan, but sacks of flour don’t have the right to give consent and Jake picks her up and tells her not to be such a baby. (C: I want to punch things.)
They all look to Daddy Edward for the final word and he gives the okay, explaining he’s too sensitive to Bella’s scent, so they want to use Jasper as a tracker in this test.
Jacob carries Bella off into the woods. He takes a quick trip around, then returns to the clearing, refusing to put Bella down until they’ve returned to Edward. Jasper and Alice return, confirming that Jake’s gross doggy smell masks Bella’s smell. They decide on a plan that means Bella will lure the baby vamps to the clearing. Jacob thinks it would be even better to have Bella in the clearing to completely distract the baby vamps, but Edward isn’t interested in using Bella as live bait. Just as a lure.
The plan is decided that once Bella has smeared her smelly scent on the trail to the clearing, Jacob will carry Bella away some place safe where she will be baby-sat by Seth, one of the new wolves. That way they won’t have to depend on dodgy communication tools like cellphones and instead can communicate with the pack using their psychic magic in case something goes wrong. Edward and Jacob share some irritatingly cliched dialogue: Ugh! Trusting werewolves! Ick! Fighting with vampires instead of against them! (C: Cute. It’s like The Odd Couple but I want to die!)
Edward points out that Jacob and the wolves will at least get to kill some vampires, and Jake’s excited, because that’s the only reason why the wolves have agreed to help the Cullens in the first place.
See Bella? This isn’t about you. This is about quenching murderous thirst.
Everything will be fiiiiiiine.
Next time on Eclipse: More good times with vampires and wolves in Chapter 19.
Fuchsia-haired, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, Raptors fan, sometimes blogger, music & social media geek, freelancer, human being. She/her.
I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
