Eclipse Chapter 19 – The Lord’s Work

Previously: Everyone got v. uncomfortable when Jacob started licking Bella’s face.
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Catherine: After the excitement of last chapter, Bella is all tuckered out and Daddy!Edward has to carry her home in his arms and put her to bed. I assume he explained something to Charlie, otherwise he would’ve had to shove her in through the window and crawl in after her like you do when you’re trying to move a big couch.

Marines: Yeah, I’m assuming that’s what happened. He was probably like, “meh. She’s asleep anyway *shove*.” 

Annie: I wonder how Charlie feels about co-parenting his teenage daughter with her teenage boyfriend. Because I think it would make me homicidal.

Kirsti: I think that would make anyone feel homicidal, Annie.

Catherine: When Bella wakes up, Edward tells her that she’s been asleep for a day. What? Why? Was watching some werewolf fights seriously that taxing to her? Am I forgetting something? I feel like all Bella did this evening was that and sort of have a graduation party or something? Wait, did she graduate today, too? HOW LONG ARE THESE DAYS?

Mari: I mean, even if she did graduate, have a party (where she mostly ignored everyone), and stayed up until 3am-ish… are we saying that she was so tired she slept 24 hours? Or are we talking about her falling asleep at 4am-ish and sleeping 15 hours until 7pm? Wait, it doesn’t matter because I think either thing is ridiculous. IT WAS A PARTY, BELLA, NOT A MARATHON.

K: I call bullshit, because bladders exist and I’ve been jetlagged approximately seven thousand times and I still wake up after like 12 hours because my bladder is about to explode.

Catherine: Come on, lets be real. You know Edward remembered to carefully put a diaper on her before bed.

Edward asks Bella if she’s hungry and she says that she is but she wants to get some food herself because she needs to move around. He holds her hand on the way to the kitchen (??) and Edward reminds her that she could have stayed home the night before and slept instead of going to watch Werewolf Fight Club.

Annie: Did they hold hands walking down the stairs too? In a house? I’m picturing that and it’s as hilarious as it is ridiculous. It’s also cute that at this point in the series, I’m still reacting to things that aren’t realistic and just plain stupid. Because unrealistic and stupid is basically the TL;DR of this book.

Catherine: They also skipped.

Bella points out that if she had stayed home, she would’ve missed everything and says that he needs to realize that she is part of his family now. He gets all lovey about it and I want to barf. She’s been indoctrinated! She’s in the Cullen Cult! Yay?

But Edward’s mood cools when he notices that Bella is still wearing the bracelet that Jacob gave her with the racist wolf.

Edward asks to see the bracelet:

“He moved his hand under the charm bracelet and balanced the little figurine in his snowy palm. For a fleeting moment, I was afraid. Just the slightest twist of his fingers could crush it into splinters.”

For fuck’s sake. Your relationship is a nightmare.

Of course, Edward doesn’t destroy the charm. Of course! He would never! Perish the thought. Except, you’re the one that had the thought, Bella. It must have come from somewhere.

Mari: RIGHT. Telling us that it’s an irrational fear (which, IS IT?) doesn’t really change the fact that Bella’s natural and first reaction to anything Edward does is fear. Like, if Edward represents indoctrination and the acceptance of a new way of life, Bella is probably in it because she doesn’t want to go to hell….

Annie: Bella’s fear is not at all irrational. Edward is an abusive partner. He’s controlling, he ghosted her and stole things from her room to do so, he drives dangerously with Bella in the car when she has ‘made him mad’, he is constantly telling her that he has to ‘control himself’ around her so he doesn’t straight up kill her. So, no. This fear isn’t irrational. It’s problematic that Bella is telling herself that it’s irrational to be afraid of Edward. It’s irresponsible to portray this as normal and romantic and as an ‘ideal’ relationship and not ever actually deal with how fucked up it actually is. 

And so instead, here I am, going on a complete rant because of how bothered I am about this. Oops.

K: No oops. I had a lot of rage over the fact that she explicitly tells us “I was embarrassed I’d even had the thought“. Edward’s threatened to kill Jacob multiple times. Why the fuck would you still be embarrassed about thinking that he might get pissed about your wolf charm?? He’s totally an abusive partner. But sure, let’s keep on pretending that this series is super romantic.

Catherine: A+ to all of the above. Annie, your rage is justified! Let it fuel you as we struggle to the end of this book.

Edward points out that Jacob (calling him by his full name. Which is weirdly formal. Which I guess is Edward’s street name by now) can give her presents but apparently he’s not allowed to. Bella points out that it wasn’t a question or an accusation but… yes it was, Bella. It was both of those things.

Bella does say that even though she has told him she doesn’t like presents, he still keeps giving them to her anyway so what is he sulking about, exactly? I mean, she doesn’t say it like that but it’s true. (M: Stop blaming your crappy gift giving on Bella, Edward.) She tells him she likes handmade presents and he asks if hand-me-downs are acceptable. I thought he was gonna pull out his mother’s Victorian chastity belt or something. No lie. (M: A+, though a hand me down chastity belt… ew.)

He doesn’t. He asks if she’s gonna be wearing the racist wolf bracelet a lot and then asks if he can have some ‘representation’ on it. You get enough representation as it is, you white son of a—Oh, wait, no. He wants a charm? So she’ll think of him. Bella reminds him that she thinks of him constantly because she has no hobbies or interests (M: or friends! or regular interaction!) besides him.

She makes him reiterate that it’s a hand-me-down and he confirms that its something he’s had for a while and she agrees to wear it. But the whole time he’s smirking and ‘smiling his angel’s smile’ so you know it’s the fucking Heart of the Ocean or some shit, Bella. Come on.

“Have you noticed the inequality?” he asked, and his voice turned accusing. “Because I certainly have.”

Do you mean in this book, Edward? Because I certainly have, too. I’m glad you bring that up! Finally. Let’s open a dialogue about how this book is a real racist piece of–

“His eyes narrowed. “Everyone else is able to get away with giving you things. Everyone but me. I would have loved to get you a graduation present, but I didn’t. I knew it would have upset you more than if anyone else did. That’s utterly unfair. How do you explain yourself?”

Oh, so you’re… okay. You’re just gonna whine some more. Cool.

Mari: Today in the ongoing Meyer is Trolling Us Saga, Edward keeps using words like “representation” and “inequality.” 

-_- 

Annie: She keeps using those words. I don’t think they mean what she thinks they mean.

K: Meanwhile, I was distracted by the fact that Bella tells us she “chewed my breakfast calmly.” I… tend not to chew with emotion, personally.

Catherine: Before you get too upset reading this out-of-context reply, he is kidding… sorta? He’s halfway serious, I think. Ish. Bella drools over him some more and tells him that he is her gift and that he’s more important than everyone else ever and he’s her world and blah, blah, blah.

Alice calls Edward and tells him something. We get only his side of the conversation again. (M: DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING AGAIN?) Bella thinks that Edward doesn’t seem surprised by whatever Alice is telling him. He sighs and says that he figured as much from what Bella was saying in her sleep.

Then he hangs up on Alice and rounds on Bella asking her if there’s anything she needs to tell him. Bella panics instead of doing what she should do, which is ask him if he wants to motherfucking rephrase that question before he’s sitting in that kitchen asking it to himself.

Bella remembers all of her vague, never-explained semi-prophetic dreams from that day. She finally admits that she likes Jasper’s idea of her being actually present in the clearing to act as a distraction to the baby vamps while they pick them off. Edward, of course, forbids her as he does not want Baby Bella in any danger other than the danger that he has already put her in by dating her.

But he laughs and tells her that Alice called because she had a vision of Bella deciding to go find them and help and then getting lost on the way there, stumbling around in the forest. Don’t need to be a fucking auger to see that one happening, Alice. He tells her that she’ll only make it more ‘time-consuming’ for them to find her after the battle is over. Fantastic. Not condescending at all. Thanks, dad.

Bella says that she could always just get Seth Clearwater, who is gonna be guarding her, to help her find her way to the clearing. Because I guess he can use his wolf senses or his penis gets Google Maps or something. (M: Oooooh, is that why boys are genetically better at directions? SCIENCE!)

Edward gets briefly enraged and then calms himself and tells her that plan might have worked if she didn’t tell him but now that she has he can tell Sam to wolfy order Seth not to let her leave her play pen.

Bella says that Sam might side with her and Edward admits that he might but that he bets that Jacob wouldn’t. Since both of them want to protect her for breeding purposes and in order to secure her dowry, Jacob will surely not countenance her putting herself into any unladylike danger.

Also, Jacob is vice-president of the pack, so he can give Seth orders too.

K: I’m fighting the urge to make Hamilton references right now.

Catherine: It’s okay. Go ahead. I know how hard it can be.

Edward smiles about how he upset his girlfriend just now and moves on to talk about how he got a ‘fascinating look into the pack’s mind‘ the night before. He goes all amateur psychologist and talks about the ‘pull of the individual against the plural psyche’ so that Meyer can convince us that he’s super!smart.

“”Jacob’s been keeping a lot of secrets,” he said with a grin.”

Ever notice how Edward only seems to smile when he’s, like, hurting Bella’s feelings about Jacob? Why is he so happy to see her upset about her friend. WHAT MORE ASSURANCES DOES HE NEED THAT SHE’S HIS FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER?

Mari:

Catherine: Ah, yes. That bullshit. Forgot.  

Edward then tells her that one of the wolves there last night, the small, gray one was actually Leah Clearwater.

Bella is shocked to discover that there’s a GIRL werewolf?!? Apparently the pack is reeling from this, too because there’s never been a GIRL werewolf before and they didn’t expect it.

Right? Because what does she do when she gets her period? Does she have to be naked around boys? What about when she’s PMSing will she wolf out and nuke Russia or—oh, wait, no. Because this is fucking stupid. There’s NEVER been a girl werewolf? For real? In hundreds of years? NEVER? HOW? It’s supposed to be all of the descendants of that one dude one first transformed and none of them have ever been girls before? So it only counted for his descendants that were cis dudes? That’s what you’re saying? Maybe werewolf dicks are magic?

Bella realizes that Leah being a girlwolf means that Sam has to see her everyday now and how awkward that must be in between turning into a primordial wolf monster and feasting on undead flesh and everything.

Mari: Boy dramz is clearly what the issue is here.

K: Everything about this is the worst.

Catherine: Bella says she feels bad for Leah and Edward snorts and says that shes being ‘deliberately malicious’ in her thoughts and making the shared mind link difficult for all of them so he’s not sure she deserves Bella’s sympathy, being that she is not a proper, meek, demure lady like her highness here. Apparently Leah keeps mentally bringing up things the rest of the wolves would rather not think about, primarily how Embry’s dad’s identity is still in question since his mother was from a different reservation and no one knows if he is Jacob’s brother, or Sam’s, or Quil’s.

Which is shitty but also very private and why are you gossiping about this again, Edward? Oh right, to distract your girlfriend from the fact that you’re ordering her around again.

Then Edward says that the imprinting thing is amazing and:

“It’s very nearly as strong as the way I feel about you.”

Ugh.

K: My post-it note features a very bad doodle of a stick person throwing up. 

Catherine: Bella remembers that he’s trying to distract her and brings it up again. He expressly forbids her from being in the clearing. Apparently using a ‘very final tone’. But then Bella’s few, struggling brain cells come together and she has another of her magical ~~revelations~~.

She realizes that she doesn’t actually want to help out so much as she doesn’t want to be parted from Edward for even a single moment.

I know. Hold your vom.

“Okay, look, Edward,” I whispered. “Here’s the thing… I’ve already gone crazy once. I know what my limits are. And I can’t stand for you to leave me again.”

I mean? I guess she’s worried he’s gonna die, which I can understand, but including the reference to New Moon just makes it seem like she’s worried that if she lets him out of her sight for even a second he’s gonna take the opportunity and bolt. Which… also understandable.

Mari: Not only might he bolt, but she also might go insta-crazy.

Catherine: After Bella says this she is too afraid to make eye contact with Edward because she’s worried that she caused him pain by reminding him of how he abandoned her that time. She does hear him gasp, so we’ve got another check mark for times when these two have just stood in the kitchen gasping at each other. Quick show of hands, who actually gasps this often in real life?

Mari: Do we count asthma attacks or…?

Annie: Do we count ‘omfg, what is wrong with this fucking book/author/series’ gasps?

K: The last time I gasped audibly was on Sunday when I saw the vocal score for the Hamilton soundtrack in the window of my local music shop. My family all turned to stare at me like I was crazy because NO ONE GASPS IN REAL LIFE.

Catherine: This is why she passes out so much. Science!

Edward hugs Bella and assures her that he’s not gonna fuck off to Italy again and that the fight will be over quickly and they’ll definitely win so there’s no reason to be afraid.

But she still can’t be in the clearing with them. Because reasons.

Edward says that Alice informed him that the baby vamps numbers are down to 19, so it’s gonna be a cake walk since, with the wolves they’re basically evenly matched. She reminds him that he said it was gonna be such an easy fight that one of the Cullen’s could even sit it out. She asks if he could be the one to sit it out and stay with her.

Edward get’s pensive about this.

“I knew what he was thinking of—the same thing I was thinking of. Carlisle. Esme. Emmett. Rosalie. Jasper. And… I forced myself to think the last name. And Alice.”

1. That sentence structure is a fucking mess, Meyer.

2) Am I forgetting something or does this passage make it seem like Bella prefers Alice over all of the other Cullens and would be sadder to see her die than them? That seemed kind of weird to me.

Mari: Who is going to samba to the door to answer it if she dies?

K: To continue my string of Hamilton related comments, Alice is clearly the Peggy of the family, tacked on the end. 

Catherine: But don’t you feel better letting it out, Kirsti? 

Bella wonders if she is a monster for being potentially okay with the other Cullens getting hurt if it means she gets to protect Edward. Omg I’m so glad you realized that, Bella. You are definitely a monster.

Edward thinks about it for a minute and then calls up Alice and asks if she can come over to ‘babysit’ Bella for a bit so he can speak to Jasper. Yes, he actually used the word ‘babysit’ and it was played off as cute. The Twilight Saga is definitely about an adult baby fetish. You heard it here. SnarkSquaddotcom. (M: Home of breaking news and the Lord’s work.)

Then they blah blah a bit about compromising and Edward agreeing to sit out the fight so the people that argue that Edward is a good boyfriend have something to reference.

Edward suddenly asks Bella who ‘The Third Wife’ is and she realizes that she must have been talking about Old Quil’s story in her sleep. I can’t believe I ever thought this book was good at foreshadowing. Fuck.

Bella just tells him that it was a story and Alice shows up before she has to explain. Of course, Alice already had one of her contri-vision thingys about what Edward is gonna tell Jasper and she is bummed that he’s not gonna rip people apart with her.

Alice tells Bella to go take a fucking shower or something because Charlie is on his way home and if he sees her looking ratchet he’s not gonna let her hang out with the vampires again.

Bella says that by the time Charlie got home she was looking ‘presentable’. So you know what that means! It’s our old friend Khaki skirt! Hey giiiirrrllll!

Mari: I would pay $100 to not own that skirt. At least. 

K: The last long skirt I owned was the skirt I had to wear for orchestra performances in high school. If I hadn’t had to give it back, I would have burned it. I would also burn that skirt because it’s fugly. 

Catherine: That is the skirt you wear when you have school at 8 but a cult meeting where you have to marry an old guy at 10.

Charlie greets Alice like an old buddy ’cause he likes her so much and she makes up a story about the Cullens all going camping without her. Charlie offers to let her stay in their house for the weekend and Alice stomps on Bella’s foot to get her to volunteer to stay at the Cullen’s glass box instead.

Charlie earns some negligent parenting points by actually suggesting it himself even though Alice and Bella are acting super suspicious and weird. After Alice leaves Bella says she’s tired and goes upstairs to bed. Charlie’s like ‘WTF you slept all day? I guess parties must really wear you out’. JFC Charlie. AT LEAST try.

Of course Edward is waiting for her upstairs. Bella asks him if Alice told him that she’s kidnapping her and Edward tells her that she’s not.

“I’m the only one who has permission to hold you hostage remember?”

HAHAHAHAHA. It’s funny because he genuinely did that. That was a real thing he did. Yep. Haha. Ha.

Annie: Remember that time that you got your family to hold me captive so I couldn’t go and visit my friend? lol. HILARIOUS. 

Also, who gave him permission to kidnap her? Himself? That doesn’t count, Edward.

K: THE FUNNIEST THING OF ALL THE THINGS HAHAHAHAHAHA >.<

Catherine: Anyway, the rest of the Cullen’s are going hunting before the battle so that they can be at full strength but Edward doesn’t have to do that now that he’s not fighting. Bella realizes that this means that she and Edward will be spending the night alone together in the Cullen house. Ya know, the exact scenario that Charlie should’ve realized was being cooked up when his daughter and her friend were acting so weird. Whatever. WHATEVER CHARLIE.

Bella and Edward leave (again, through the window?) (M: I hope he pushed her on the way out too…) to go watch more Werewolf Fight Club.

The Cullens are all already there as well as three of the wolves including Jacob.

Edward casually tells Bella that Jasper is gonna teach the wolves how to deal with unequal groupings and only a page after she decided she felt okay about taking Edward out of the fight she realizes that she does not feel okay about taking Edward out of the fight because they’re still outnumbered and she was only making it worse.

She looks over at Jacob and he smiles at her but he’s in his wolf form so I have to imagine he’s all:

Mari: Yes. A+

K: Can I replace this entire book with a book about puppies?

Catherine: Barklight: The Sniffing Butts Saga. 

Bella realizes that she can tell just by looking at the wolves which one is Embry and which is Quil…somehow? She doesn’t really explain how. She just says what they look like and that they don’t look as indestructible as the vampires. Obviously they need some extra help.

K: Thank you for turning my last comment into a reality.

Catherine: The Lord’s work.

Bella wonders if Edward even cares about the possibility of one of the wolves getting hurt and maybe that’s why he’s so confident. Great thing to wonder about your boyfriend. Does he care if one of my friends dies?

Jacob trots over to Edward and Bella and asks if she’s okay. Edward translates for them since he can read Jacob’s thoughts. Bella says that she’s worried that the wolves are gonna get hurt and Jacob says that’s stupid.

“”There’s plenty to be worried about,” I told Jacob, “Like a bunch of really stupid wolves getting themselves hurt.”

Jacob laughed his coughing bark.”

Does… does Meyer understand how dogs work?

Mari: Girl, she doesn’t even get how humans work.

K: New theory: SMeyer is an alien.

Catherine: An alien with no editor.

Edward leaves to go help Jasper and Bella decides she doesn’t want to watch the training even though she insisted on coming. She goes to sit by herself and sulk and tells Jacob to go on to watch the Fight Club without her.

But Jacob, sensing that she’s vulnerable and remembering that he looks like an adorable puppy dog right now, lays down next to her on the ground and presses against her. She starts running her fingers through his fur after a minute and he starts doing the dog version of purring.

It’s weird, right? The wolf stuff is real weird. Because he’s still a person under that. You can’t tell a guy that you don’t want to date him and then pet his fur, Bella.

Mari: Leave some room for Jesus, Bella.

Catherine: Khaki skirt force field activate! 

Bella tells Jacob that she always wanted a dog but couldn’t get out because Renee is allergic. That bitch. She asks him if he’s worried about the fight and he rolls his eyes, ya know, like dogs do.

Bella settles against Jake and thinks that it’s strange because this is more like they used to be, ya know when she used to treat him like a dog even before he was a wolf. And then she watches the moon as the Werewolf Fight Club goes on around her.

 

Next time on Eclipse: Let’s talk about (ew! dirty! terrible! horrible!) sex, baby, in Chapter 20.