The OC S04 E07 – Chrismu-COMA.

Previously: Summer got kicked out of Brown and Ryan had more than seven minutes in heaven.
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The Chrismukk-huh?

Marines: Alright, guys. I feel like we’re in the home stretch here and I’m going to try and crank out these last 9 recaps as quickly as possible because it’s time. It’s time to finish The OC and say goodbye.

So, here we go.

Ryan is in the kitchen enjoying his morning coffee, when Kirsten comes in and tries to casually ask if he’s going to invite anyone to Christmas Eve dinner. Ryan isn’t sure because if he invites Taylor, that seems pretty serious. Kirsten lightly laughs at him and says they make their own rules at Christmukkah. Ryan is like FINE. and agrees to invite Taylor.

The doorbell rings and Kirsten rushes off to answer it as she’s expecting a delivery of ham. Ryan looks at the bunch of mail Kirsten brought in. There is an envelope addressed to Ryan FROM MARISSA COOPER. Whut.

Cooper-Infested Roberts House. Kaitlin is complaining because they are going to “the ghetto” to spend Christmas with Julie’s side of the family. Julie tells her to suck it up because they are short on family. Taylor comes in, cheerily singing Christmas songs and putting the final touches on a gift meant for Ryan. She says it’s a George Foreman grill because she knows he likes “lean meat.” Julie is the audience and gives us the requisite, sarcastic “lovely.”

Kaitlin invites Taylor to spend Christmas with them, but Taylor is confident that Ryan is going to invite her to dinner. She was right, but now GHOST MAIL. Let’s see what happens.

Taylor heads over to Casa Cohen and finds Ryan brooding, of course. He’s short with her, even as she’s trying to give him his gift. He basically climbs up a ladder to keep hanging Christmas lights to get away from her. Taylor assumes he wants to invite her to dinner but doesn’t know how. He shoots her down, though he does say he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. Taylor basically angrily climbs the ladder asking why this would hurt her feelings, after she went through the trouble of buying him the perfect gift. She tries to shove the gift at him, he tries to shove it back, and they both fall off the ladder and roof respectively.

Inside, all the Ham Guy and Kirsten hear is the crash of thunder.

Back outside, Ryan and Taylor are both knocked out on the floor. A couple of rain drops fall on Ryan’s face and bring him to. There’s some whimsical SOMETHING IS AMISS music playing, but all that we see happen is Taylor wake up, still offended, shove the grill back at Ryan and stomp off. Ryan seems confused as he goes back into the pool house.

The pool house is a gym, though. Ryan looks even more confused.

He walks out and Kirsten is walking toward him. He starts to ask about the gym in his room and Kirsten snaps that the staff isn’t supposed to go in there. Ryan asks her what’s going on and Kirsten levels him with a, “excuse me do I know you?”

CALIFORNIA, except not, because the theme song is this really somber, slowed down version of the CALIFORNIA we know and love. It’s great. I love when shows mess with their credits for an episode SO MUCH.

After the bummer credits, Ryan asks where Seth is, so Kirsten assumes Ryan is a one of her son’s friends. She says Seth is at the comic book store and shoos Ryan out of her house.

Mall. Ryan sees Julie doing some kind of televised interview about a program she’s running for homeless people during Christmas. Ryan calls out to Julie and asks what she’s doing. She also doesn’t know who Ryan is and assumes he’s a street urchin. She gives him a voucher for her program and tells him to skedaddle.

Comic book store. Seth is having his wallet stolen by two kids who may be Luke’s twin brothers…? Ryan walks in and grabs the wallet back and Luke’s Lame Brothers make bad gay jokes. Seth also doesn’t recognize Ryan. The Lame Bros tell Seth that his girlfriend is across the way looking hot. Seth goes out there to check it out as the Lame Bros wonder how Sandy Cohen had such a loser kid. Ryan asks where Sandy Cohen is and the Lame Bros helpfully know that he’s currently giving a press conference.

Outside the store, Seth is looking sadly at Summer who is trying on a wedding dress across the way. Ryan doesn’t get what’s going on.

Press Conference. Sandy is schmoozing because he’s the mayor. Ryan walks in and freaks Sandy out by telling him all about how he’s seen Kirsten and Seth and they don’t recognize him. Sandy very kindly tells him that stalking is not the answer. Ryan is escorted out by security. In the background we see a poster of Sandy with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Thanks, 2006!

Ryan sits down on a mall bench, sadly. We hear Kirsten’s voice say, “Ryan, can you hear me?” We flash to real life where Kirsten is sitting next to Ryan’s hospital bed. Sandy, Summer and Seth rush in and ask what happened. Kirsten explains that Ryan and Taylor fell off a ladder. They suffered no serious injuries so now we just have to wait until they wake up. I feel is this a good enough reason to whip out our COMA tag.

In the coma dream, Ryan is still sitting dejectedly when Taylor rounds the corner. She calls out to him and they hug, relieved to have found and recognized each other. Apparently this is a shared coma dream.

After a not!break, Taylor guess that they are in a parallel universe.  Taylor is happy she’s with Ryan, but snarks that he probably would rather be with someone he actually wants to date. Clearly, Taylor is not letting a whole parallel universe get her eyes off the prize. Ryan says that they could be sleeping or dead. Taylor pinches him to disprove sleeping and says that if they were dead, they’d have more of a white light situation going on. Nope, Taylor went through a sic-fi stage so she knows this is a parallel universe where they don’t exist. The only explanation is that they’ve been sent here to fix something.

Just then, we hear lots of squealing as Summer in a velour tracksuit greets a friend and shows off her engagement ring. Ryan and Taylor watch the painful spectacle that involves booty bumping to “Ice, Ice Baby.” Che walks in and greets his finance because in this world, Summer is engaged to “Chester.” Ryan doesn’t think that makes sense, but Taylor comes up with some story about how without Ryan, there was a free spot at their school and Chester took it. Also, he’s part of the existing cast, so.

Taylor says they’ve clearly been sent here to fix this. As if to emphasize, Summer calls Che “bitch” like 37 times. Taylor sends Ryan to go find Seth and she’s going to do some recon on Summer. Ryan asks where they meet up and Taylor says that it’s alt-universe, so they’ll just find each other. Okay, guys. I’m pretty sure I love Taylor now.

Real world. The Doctor says that the MRIs came back normal, so there is no cause for alarm. Sandy asks if there is anything they can do and the doctor (I typed the Doctor originally, obviously) says they can talk to the coma patients and surround them with familiar sounds and smells. This is bringing me back to that other awesome coma we once had on the site, Sweet Valley High. Good times.

Summer volunteers to track down Taylor’s mom. Sandy and Seth are going to go home and pack up Chrismukkah and bring it to the hospital. Kirsten is going to stay and watch Ryan and Taylor.

Alt-World. Taylor is spying on Summer and Che. It doesn’t take long for Che to answer a call from another woman he’s going to meet in 15 minutes. He seems wholly unconcerned with the fact that Taylor heard all this go down. Taylor follows Che.

Cohen Casa, but NOT because it’s actually Kirsten’s house WITH JIMMY in alt-world. Kirsten assumes Ryan is back to see Seth, but Jimmy informs him that Seth isn’t home. This is too weird for Ryan, so he sees himself out and can offer nothing but a look over his shoulder when Jimmy invites him to a party that night.

Cohen Alt Casa. SANDY COHEN IS MARRIED TO JULIE COOPER. NOPE.

Sandy comments on Kirsten’s party that night that they apparently have to go to. Julie says she can’t believe Sandy was ever married to that “ice queen.” Sandy kisses her goodbye. We’ve been watching some of this from the bushes, because that’s where Che and Taylor are hiding. As soon as Sandy is gone, Julie motions Che in.

Taylor SNEAKS INTO THE HOUSE. Ha ha. No chill. She sees Julie and Che making out and Che is barking and Julie starts spanking him and I want it all to stop. Taylor sees Julie’s maid Mimi and Mimi assumes that Taylor is coming to visit “Mrs. Cooper,” who is due back from Berkley a little later. Taylor sees a framed picture of Marissa and Julie in the room. DUN DUN DUN.

(There is no way that Mischa Barton came back for an episode. Let’s see how they explain this.) (Also, I think Taylor keeps saying “joinx” when bad things happen? I have NO idea what that’s about.)

Diner. Taylor joins Ryan. He reports what he found: Kirsten is married to Jimmy. She reports what she found: NOPE NOPE NOPE.

After a bit of hesitation, she also tells him that Marissa Cooper is alive and coming home from Berkley soon. Ryan asks to be let out of the booth and Taylor tries to reason with him. If he tracks Marissa down, she won’t even recognize him. They have to focus on fixing what is wrong so they can get back home. Ryan stares at her and Taylor somehow interprets his brood: if Marissa is alive in this alt-world, Ryan doesn’t want to go home. Taylor looks crushed, but she says she gets it and lets Ryan go.

Real world: Cooper-Infested Roberts House. Kaitlin is trying to pack wine but Julie tells her that her family only drinks wine coolers. Kaitlin calls this a very Britney Christmas. Summer rushes in and recaps about comas and finding Veronica Townsend. Kaitlin doesn’t think Veronica is going to care that Taylor is in a lite coma, but this means they don’t have to Christmas in the ghetto, so Kaitlin is cool with the comas and tracking down terrible moms.

Hospital. The nurse gives Kirsten the letter an EMT assumed fell out of Ryan’s pocket.  Kirsten looks at the letter and DUN DUN DUNs when she sees it’s a ghost letter from Marissa.

Alt-world: Ryan makes it to the airport and sees Marissa! But no, because it’s Kaitlin

   OF COURSE SHE DID. Well played.

Taylor is there because of course she followed Ryan.

We cut to Taylor telling Ryan that because of him, Marissa got to fall in love and graduate. Ryan focuses on the “but she still died” part, but Taylor helps him see what this means. He was never meant to save Marissa. He did save the Cohens, though. Without Ryan, “Seth is the next unibomber,” Sandy is married to JULIE COOPER and “Kirsten probably hasn’t had an orgasm in like a year.” Ryan’s heard enough. He gets it. Ryan cutely asks if anyone has ever said no to Taylor and she, quick as a whips, says yes, once. She pushed that guy off a roof.

Real world: Casa de Cohen. Seth is proposing that Ryan and Taylor are stuck in an alternate universe like Dorothy in Oz. Then he gets really weird and starts talking about giant vegetables. Kirsten calls Sandy and says she think she knows why Ryan hasn’t woken up.

Alt-world: Casa IDK IDK Kirsten is Married to Jimmy. Taylor and Ryan arrive. Taylor says they need to prep everyone before they try to bring them together. She says she’ll work on Kirsten. Just then, Seth and Kirsten walk toward them, Seth saying he doesn’t want to go to the stupid party. That’s Ryan’s cue to follow Seth. Taylor sees her mom yelling at a boy and concludes that she’s a boy in alt-world and Veronica is still a bitch.

Real world: Airport. Julie finds Veronica and tells her about Taylor. Veronica hears hospital and asks if her daughter is in there for “anorexia.” Veronica is the worst. Look how shiny Julie looks by just standing next to her. Veronica says she’ll call her coma daughter from Mexico, so Julie threatens to tell security Veronica has a bomb. Kaitlin is impressed.

Alt-world: Seth’s room. He’s yelling into his pillow about how much his life sucks. Ryan is like, “wow. This is why Summer doesn’t like you.” Seth says that’s weird coming from some rando he just met this morning. Ryan takes a seat and very seriously tells Seth that he’s from an alternate universe where the Cohens adopted him and he can’t go home unless he fixes all the relationships. Seth, of course, accepts this.

Downstairs, Taylor finds Kirsten and makes some food table small talk about how she’s so glad the mayor let her off to come to this party. Kirsten is super interested and asks what it’s like working for the mayor. Taylor says it’s a surprise anything ever gets done since the mayor spends so much time crying over being in love with his ex-wife. Taylor flounces away.

She finds Ryan and they both report that their plans are underway. Summer and Che arrive. In order to get Seth and Summer and Sandy and Kirsten together, they need to distract significant others. Ryan’s got Julie and Taylor’s got Che. Taylor asks Ryan if maybe this would be fun if he were doing it with someone he wanted to date. “Go,” Ryan deadpans. Taylor says she’ll stop now.

Taylor finds Che and tells him a red haired lady is waiting for him in the master bathroom. Ryan finds Julie and says some bro is waiting for her in the master bathroom for something about thong removal. Julie is all, “oh yes. Thong stands for The Homeless of Newport… Go.” Nice try, girl. You almost had it.

Taylor next finds Sandy and pulls the same, “I work at Newport Group and your ex-wife talks about you all the time” trick. It almost doesn’t work, but Taylor mentions a specific story about a mail truck I’m sure was mentioned at some point (cut me some slack) and Sandy falls for it.

Seth and Summer are bonding over their love of plastic horses and The Valley.

   Kirsten and Sandy laugh with each other.

Taylor sees her mom abusing Dude Taylor. She decides it’s time she talk to her mother like an adult. She marches out there, only to have Veronica basically call her fat. Taylor snaps that both she and Dude Taylor are smart, likable people. She calls Veronica a bitch and it’s so weird, she runs away.

Inside, Ryan checks up on Taylor. He says he’s proud of her. She starts to feel kind of funny, though, and thinks she can hear rain.

Jimmy found Julie and Che in the bathroom so he’s freaking out about it. Sandy comes over to ask what happened, and Jimmy explains. Che tells Summer that Julie’s thong was just stuck and he was helping her with it. Summer says that’s what he said about some other girl, so now she’s starting to get suspicious. Che tries to get closer to Summer, but Seth stops him. It’s pretty easy, too, because Che is soon distracted by another hot lady.

Sandy asks Julie how she could do this. She’s like, “whatever,” because their marriage is a sham. Sandy only married her so she could mastermind his political career. Julie asks what Sandy’s doing with Kirsten anyway. Kirsten replies that Sandy spends all the days in his office crying over her. Sandy is like, “ugh, no you.” They quickly put together that Taylor was the one saying all this stuff. Ryan comes in and things get really complicated as everyone looks at them accusatorially. Taylor is about to start explaining, but she doesn’t get very far because her time in alt-world is over. She stood up to her mother. Taylor tells Ryan to get everyone together, walks away and disappears.

Real world: hospital. Taylor wakes up. Kirsten is standing by her bed. Taylor says, “you need to be with Sandy Cohen.” Kirsten runs off to get a doctor because that was weird.

Back in alt-world, Ryan tries his best to kind of explain, but mostly give a feels chat. He tells everyone that they saved his life by being who they are. Summer isn’t supposed to be with Che. Kirsten isn’t supposed to be at the Newport Group or drinking Chardonnay. Sandy is supposed to be helping the little guy. Those two are supposed to be happily married. Julie comes back with security and they escort Ryan out.

And back at the real world hospital, Julie gets there with Veronica. Kirsten greets them with the news that Taylor is awake and totally fine. This doesn’t make Veronica happy because she’s awful. Julie is about to get all up in arms, but Taylor says it’s find. She sends her mom away to Cabo with a hug and a Merry Christmas. That coma healed years of childhood trauma.

Kirsten gives Julie the ghost letter from Marissa.

Poor Ryan is still in alt-world and now he’s in jail. Sandy comes to bail him out, so we know things are starting to fall in line. Sandy’s basically like, “you’re half crazy, half right about things.” Ryan asks how Sandy’s family fell apart.  He says it probably goes back to three years ago when Marissa died. They all got stuck. Ryan says they didn’t know how to say goodbye and it seems like he realizes something. Sandy invites Ryan back to the mansion for dinner, but Ryan has something else to do.

Real Hospital. Seth and Sandy make it back and Kirsten now fills them in on Taylor waking up. Julie tells them all what was in the letter: it was a goodbye. Marissa was saying she had to leave so everyone could move on with their lives, but she loved Ryan. Apparently it got so super lost in the mail, it just made it to Ryan right now.

Julie sadly puts the letter next to Ryan’s hospital bed.

In alt-world, Ryan goes to alt-lifeguard tower. He sits there and reads Marissa’s letter. After a minute, he puts the letter down and walks away. By the time he’s off the tower, he disappears and we hear his echo-y ghost voice say, “goodbye.”

Ryan wakes up! Comas officially over. Taylor is next to him and they smile at each other and talk about having the weirdest coma dreams they can’t remember. Everyone else gathers around Ryan’s bed to say how happy they are he’s coma free. We end the episode with everyone looking around at each other lovingly.

Merry Christmas! I actually enjoyed this episode! BYE.

 

Next time on The OC: Ryan plans a surprise for Taylor and gets a few tagalongs in S04 E08 – The Earth Girls Are Easy.