Previously: Sandy Cohen gave us too many father feels to mention.
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The French Connection
Marines: Taylor visits Ryan during his break because she has the perfect Valentine’s Day present for him, even though Valentine’s Day is weeks away. Her perfect present? A scrapbook, complete with signed letter for her divorce lawyer, sneaky pictures she took of Ryan on her camera phone and their hospital bracelets from that one time they were in a joint coma. Ryan just makes some really uncomfortable noises. (S: Because nothing says romance like a stalker book!) He’s mostly saved by Taylor’s attention being pulled away by something in a book store and the end of Ryan’s break. They kiss goodbye.
Taylor rushes over to the bookstore and we see the problem: it’s a book written by her French ex-husband called “A Season for Peaches.” (The previouslies kindly reminded us that Henri sent a message to Taylor via his lawyer: I miss your peaches.) Taylor nervously asks the bookstore worker what the book is about. He describes it as Bridges of Madison County meets The Notebook meets porn. Taylor freaks and asks about the plot. It’s the story of a Frenchman who meets an American and they get married. It’s Taylor’s story.
CALIFORNIA!
After the credits, we are reminded that Seth and Summer’s stupid subplot continues. Seth is getting ready to go to Seattle to ask Dr. Robert’s permission to marry Summer, all with the hopes that he’ll get rejected so he doesn’t have to be the one to call off the wedding.
Sweeney: “Never read a romance book” in no way equals “never going to read a romance book written about someone I’m dating.” Sorry, Taylor, but come on.
Mari: She basically should’ve just bought him a copy.
Gigolo HQ. Julie is there with Spencer. I think this might be the first recap I’m writing of an episode with Spencer in it, so let me tell you that when he first flashed on screen I was confused because I thought it was Paul Wesley. But Paul Wesley was in a different episode of The O.C. This is Brandon Quinn, who actually was on an episode of Vampire Diaries. We’ll see Quinn again later on some Charmed episodes, but clearly I primarily know him from the Fox Family hit, Big Wolf on Campus.
Sweeney: This gif is very disturbing but also excellent.
Mari: That is exactly how I remember that Fox Family hit, Big Wolf on Campus.
Anyway, Julie is clearing some men for a client when Kirsten walks in. Julie is totally twitchy as she sends Spencer away, lies badly about having him over to move furniture and hides her black book. Kirsten looks at all of this appraisingly.
Cooper-Infested Roberts House. Summer is reading a bridal magazine. Taylor walks in and tells her AGAIN that getting married when you don’t want to probably isn’t the best idea. She tries to use her own failed marriage as an example, but Summer doesn’t think it’s the same. Taylor thinks it over and suggests that Summer call Holly, an old classmate who got married last summer, and talk the whole marriage thing over with her. Summer agrees, mostly to get Taylor to drop the subject.
Summer spots A Season for Peaches in Taylor’s purse and pulls it out. She says she’s reading it and it is dirty. Taylor grabs the book back and says the girl just has a healthy sex drive. Summer says, “yeah, for a hooker.” Taylor grabs her book back and stomps out.
Kaitlin is studying with Chris Brown and dear god, not only did the Summer/Seth plot line survive, but so did his guest star role?
Hold on.
Sweeney: I am not sure what he is doing here, except to make teenage Willa Holland’s acting look superb by comparison.
Mari: If anyone thought this was going to help with ratings, they should quit TV.
They are studying for a test, there are some fat jokes about suffragettes, and Kaitlin asks Chris Brown out on a date because she’s falling for this total nerd omg can you believe it? Luke’s brothers (I forget what I call them EVERY RECAP) come over to be total bros about what a NERD Chris Brown is.
Summer really took Taylor’s advice to heart and she’s hanging out with Holly. She asks Holly if she was totally sure she wanted to get married and Holly’s like, “YEP!” She says she works out in the morning, meets other married girls for lunch and then they go shopping. They call themselves the Newpsie Weds. Holly invites Summer to lunch the next day with them and Summer accepts the offer but also vaguely looks like she’s going to puke.
Ryan leaves work and as he walks past the bookstore, he sees Peaches in the window. He can’t help himself and walks in to grab the book. And what would you know? Henri-Michel is there doing a book signing. He asks Ryan who he should make the book out to and Ryan says, “Taylor.” Henri-Michel gives him a look and Ryan nods.
After a not!break, it’s the next morning and Taylor is bringing Ryan coffee. She sees Peaches on his bed and sure enough, Ryan gets back from his work out and confirms that he read it. He explains about having met Henri-Michel and apologizes for reading it after he promised he wouldn’t. Taylor asks where this leaves them because Ryan can’t even look her in the eye right now. Ryan says he doesn’t know. He has to get ready for work.
Sweeney: I don’t understand this Taylor/Ryan relationship at all, to be honest, but for all the many perfectly valid reasons to not know where your relationship stands, Ryan, this is not one of them. Shitty move.
Mari: Seattle Grace (Almost). Seth tells Dr. Roberts that he’s here for more than small talk and a round of golf. Dr. Roberts escorts Seth into his officer where Seth purposefully butchers his job of asking for Summer’s hand, saying they are getting married young to be different and that he thinks Summer is cool and easy on the eyes. Dr. Roberts assumes Summer is pregnant but Seth assures him that she isn’t. They can’t continue this conversation because Dr. Roberts gets a call about a man impaled, apparently by a unicorn. I’ve never watched Grey’s Anatomy so I don’t know if this is a specific joke or just a HA HA SEATTLE SO CRAZY joke.
Sweeney: I did watch it, but I have deliberately blocked out nearly all memories of the show, so if anyone has additional information PLEASE SHARE.
Mari: Unless you too have blocked it out. We wouldn’t want to disturb sleeping memories.
Taylor goes to see Henri-Michel in his hotel room and makes smelly French people jokes, obviously, while she’s there. This is about as subtle as when Sweet Valley High had a French character drop in. Anyone remember #pierrealerts?
Taylor explains that Ryan did not take the book very well and Henri-Michel says that maybe if Ryan spent time with him, he wouldn’t be so intimidated and he would also see that Henri doesn’t want to steal Taylor back. Taylor seems to think this a logical idea and accepts. And then Henri sits her down to draw her face because art and French people, am I right?
Gigolo HQ. Julie promises a client that her next guy is going to have his back waxed. Of course, Kirsten is standing just behind her, listening to all this. Kirsten says they need to talk. She’s worried about Julie’s jumpiness, which she plays off as just being overworked. The phone rings and Julie jumps up to answer it. Kirsten takes this opportunity to steal Julie’s cell phone.
Newpsie Weds. Summer meets up with Holly and the gang with Pancakes in a purse. Holly introduces Summer as the new Newpsie Wed and there is a toast. We get a little montage of Summer drinking a lot of champagne and calling the girls bitches and saying she’s totally down for a juice fast. She turns to ask the waiter for more champagne, but the waiter is Che. But not really, Summer is just seeing things. Ease up on the alcohol, girl. (Or not. I’m drinking through your subplot too.) (S: You gotta do what you gotta do, girl. No judgement from me.) (M: Except I just remembered this is underaged drinking so you know. Be responsible y’all!)
Taylor goes to visit Ryan and he can see her trying to psyche herself up to talk to him. He confronts her and says that he’ll be fine. He just needs time. Taylor says there is something that might help the healing process.
Cooper-Infested Roberts Home. Kaitlin wants to watch a Cops like show but Chris Brown is not amused. I just… I’m not going to say a thing. Julie comes in, looking for her cell phone, and introduces herself to Chris Brown. She tells the kids they look cute together and to enjoy their date. Kaitlin says it isn’t a date and Chris Brown asks WTF. If this is how Kaitlin acts in front of her mom, how is she gonna act at school? Kaitlin just wants to focus on the TV show, but Chris Brown doesn’t think it’s funny. Kaitlin suggests they get high then and that’s Chris Brown’s cue to leave. He thought Kaitlin’s bad girl behavior at school was an act. But he was wrong. Dramatic exit.
Ill-Advised Dinner Date. Henri and Taylor are going on about French things and literary things and Anais Nin’s sexual poetry. It turns out that Taylor was on a French talk show a few times and that Henri has recommended Taylor for the job of translating some of Nin’s work. Henri asks Ryan if Taylor wouldn’t be the best person for the job but he just looks really uncomfortable with this third wheel set-up. He says he doesn’t know Nin’s work and Henri makes it worse by saying that some people call it pornographic, but it’s just deeply, deeply sexual. And Taylor understands it like no one else. Taylor really doesn’t seem to see how this going down hill and the last thing that happens is that Henri and Taylor speak in French to each other, excluding Ryan completely.
Ryan says he’s exhausted and asks Henri to take Taylor home. Taylor follows him out of the restaurant and asks what’s wrong. Ryan says they’ve been in there for four hours. I mean, Ryan being squicked out by Taylor’s sexual past is not cool, but also if he put up with four hours of Taylor and Henri making sex eyes at each other and reliving the good ole days, he did his best. Taylor thinks this is about him picturing her and Henri together and Ryan kind of just leaves it at that and drives away.
Sweeney: How does she not see why this was awful for him? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS RELATIONSHIP, SHOW.
Mari: LA LA LA PRETTY PEOPLE.
The next day, Sandy finds Ryan reading in the kitchen. He thinks it’s Peaches, but it isn’t. Ryan is reading Sartre. He explains that at first the Peaches book was a little weird, but he got over it. Last night was all just higher brow than he’s used to. Sandy tells Ryan that Taylor very obviously likes him so he should just talk to her. Or he could keep reading Sartre. Ryan decides to talk to Taylor. Sandy leaves while doing an impression of Jerry Lewis. IDK IDK.
Cooper-Infested. Julie is still going crazy looking for her phone, but multitasks and gives her daughter some advice about liking Chris Brown. Kaitlin swears she doesn’t like him, but Julie sees past that. She tells Kaitlin to just fix whatever she messed up.
Sweeney: There was also a weirdly adorable moment in here where Julie oversteps the innuendo line and Kaitlin reminds her that she’s her daughter. They do not have the most functional of relationships, but watching Julie overcome her grief and try to be a better mother to Kaitlin is one of the more enjoyable parts of this season.
Mari: And all while running a prostitution ring!
Kirsten calls back a number on Julie’s phone, pretending to confirm date details for a Mrs. Jacobson. Then she says they have to reschedule the date.
Ryan visits Taylor and apologizes. He explains that it wasn’t the sex stuff, just the talk of people and places he didn’t know. He says he didn’t grow up going to operas and stuff, and Taylor assures him that he’s just as smart as Henri and that she loves him the way he is. She says that she wishes she hadn’t agreed to go on that French talk show now, but Ryan tells her to go for it. He wants her to be herself too. He offers to go with her and then suggests some sexy times to seal the apology.
Seattle Grace (Almost). Dr. Roberts says the unicorn was a horse that a man dressed up for his daughter’s birthday but things went awry. Luckily, it taught them all the importance of family. Seth brings the conversation around to his marriage blessing and Dr. Roberts says that he can’t give it because Seth doesn’t appreciate Summer. Seth seems to sober and say that while Dr. Roberts might object to this harebrained idea for many reasons, he wants to make it clear that he appreciates Summer. She’s hilarious and making her laugh is his favorite thing to do. She makes him a man, or at least less of a boy. He really wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Dr. Roberts smiles at Seth and says to come back and visit him once they’ve finished college and Seth has a chance of supporting her. He leaves for another emergency.
Cooper-Infested. Summer has the Newpsie Weds over and they are talking about killing endangered owls to install a jacuzzi. Apparently, Summer has had enough alcohol to hallucinate Che again. Holly brought over her wedding dress for Summer to try on.
Ryan is on the set of the talk show and he looks on admiringly at Taylor. Summer and Henri-Michel are speaking French and I would say something about Nicole maybe translating a few words but see, one time, when we were in California together, this little old lady came up to us at a crosswalk and asked if either of us spoke French. I pointed at Nicole and said that she did a little and Nicole was like NOPE AND LEFT ME. And I had to help the little old lady across the street. I shall never again make any comments about Nicole’s ability to French.
Sweeney: Except for how you are repeating this story right now and shaming me all over again.
Mari: Yeah! Except for that. Like, after this, never again.
Summer tries on the dress while halluci-Che stands behind her. She tells him that Seth is getting permission to marry her so she has to make the best of this and halluci-Che should stop trying to save her. Halluci-Che says that Summer has to save herself.
One of the Newpsie Weds comes in to say that they have the most rocked out idea for her ring bearer. Summer rushes to the kitchen where the other two girls are preparing to dye Pancakes pink. Summer grabs her bunny back and storms out. (S: It’s your house, Summer! This is backwards!)
The talkshow wraps up and everyone claps politely. Taylor gives Ryan a hug and says she’s going to say goodbye to everyone and will be right back. Henri-Michel comes over and asks what Ryan thought. Ryan says that he didn’t understand any of it but it seemed wonderful. Henri wants to have a drink with Ryan and discuss David Hume. Ryan asks who Hume is and Henri thinks he’s joking because Taylor told him all about the articles Ryan wrote on Hume that might get expanded into a book. Ryan looks back at Taylor and she just smiles and smiles like, again, she had no idea this would go badly.
Sweeney: Taylor is incredibly endearing, but also WHAT EVEN?
Mari: After a not!break, Ryan grabs Taylor and asks if she told Henri he was writing a book. She defends herself and asks what she was supposed to do. He barely spoke all night and then he ran off. Henri asked if he was on medication and Taylor hated that he was judging Ryan, so she lied. Ryan says that’s fine, but he thinks that part of Taylor wishes it were true. This is what they’ve known all along: they are two different people. Taylor asks what she can do to make it better. Ryan just thinks he should go.
Kirsten is getting her Nancy Drew on and shows up at the hotel where Mrs. Jacobson was supposed to be.
Julie gets a call from Spencer at home and he presumably explains that someone cancelled on Mrs. Jacobson. Julie gets UH OH face.
Kirsten is sitting with her date inside a hotel room and asks the dude how this all works. He’s like, “uh you pay me and we have sex.” Kirsten awkwards for a bit and then excuses herself to “go get some toys she forgot in the car.” Not as effective as “I have to go shave my hands,” but it’ll do.
Chris Brown is volunteering at a clothing drive. Kaitlin finds him and says that she likes him and she wanted that to be clear. She steps closer to him for a kiss but he backs up. He clarifies that he likes her too, but all the homeless people are watching them. Chris Brown says he’ll call her later. Kaitlin can’t believe a clothing drive is “salting her game.”
Julie shows up at New Match and Kirsten is there, looking at Julie’s black book. Julie apologizes for accidentally starting a prostitution ring and Kirsten isn’t really having it, seeing as how Julie broke federal law. Julie suggests just stopping and pretending it never happened. Oh, Julie. Nice try. (S: LOL, remember that one time when I turned your business into an illegal prostitution ring! Ha! All in the past now!) Kirsten tells her to get out by Monday. Kirsten’s last favor to Julie will be not calling the cops or telling Sandy, but Julie is on her own.
Summer is in her room and Che calls her from a tent in his dorm room. He says he’s been doing out of body work and saw Summer in a white dress surrounded by crying owls. Summer says she’s okay, but she is kind of engaged. Che thinks that’s great but Summer is less sure. And then Che starts singing her a song.
Seth is back and he visits Summer. He explains that Dr. Roberts didn’t give them his blessing, at least not yet. But Seth says that while he was up there, he realized that he does want to marry Summer. Not now, but someday. Summer tells him that she realized something too. She doesn’t know who she is and she needs to figure that out before she can be with anyone. So, that’s a no. Seth is crushed as Summer gives him back his cheap ring and he sees himself out.
Sweeney: SO I know you didn’t care for this silly, definitely overextended subplot, but also, I actually understand their relationship and many of their choices, so this gave me some feels for both of them. Mostly pride feels for Summer, though.
Mari: I’m glad it’s over now.
Ryan looks at his Taylor and Ryan scrapbook. As he gets to the joint coma hospital bracelets page, he snaps the books shut and runs out. He goes back to studio where Taylor is still sitting with Henri-Michel and gives her a kiss. PSYCHE. He imagined doing that. He just shuts the book and turns out the light.
In the studio, Taylor looks expectantly at where we saw Ryan run in from, but there is no one there. She tells Henri-Michel that she should get going, but he asks her to stay a bit longer and she agrees.
I’m not sure when this show became a show with joint comas and halluci-Ches, but here we are.
Next time on The O.C.: Che and Seth take a forrest trip in S04 E11 – The Dream Lover.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
