Previously: Bastards battled.
—
The Winds of Winter
Democracy Diva: It’s only been six weeks (at the time of writing this) between recaps, you guys. That’s like a hot second to Melisandre. And don’t pretend you didn’t need some time to digest this madness before digging in. Now that I’ve made myself feel less guilty for delaying this so long, let’s do this fucking finale.
Catherine: Ha! Smart. But honestly, we have so long until the next season starts that us delaying this long just means that you guys won’t have to wait that extra six weeks for season 7 posts to start? Maybe?
Diva: Yeah, let’s go with that! It’s definitely not closer to two months by the time we post this, or anything!
The previouslies show us Dorne (remember Dorne? yeah, I wish I didn’t either), Walder Frey telling his idiot kids to get shit sorted out at Riverrun, Edmure Tully still being a thing, Lyanna Stark still being a thing, and Varys peacing out of Meereen because he and Tyrion need buddies and ships from Westeros. Also, we all still ship Dany and Yara, Margaery sent her Grandma Flowerboss away to keep her safe, and Tommen outlawed trial by battle. Meaning Cersei is going to have to face a trial by religious extremists, which is never a good scene.
Oh, and give me a second to weep for the opening credits: Winterfell has direwolves on it again instead of flayed men, and my heart is singing. (C: STARK COMEBACK 2k16 is well under way.)
We open with the solemn peal of a bell as Cersei, dressed in black badassery, gazes at Baelor’s Sept from her window in the Red Keep. The bell tolls again, and in another part of the castle, Tommen is getting dressed. The same ringing is heard in Margaery’s chamber, and the High Sparrow’s – we silently watch all of them ready themselves, presumably for the Trial By Religious Extremists. It’s like a fun fashion montage, but without a rockin’ 80s soundtrack. And without the fun.
Diva: A+ and 1000% accurate.
A new piano theme we haven’t heard before begins, and we get a gods-eye view of people entering Baelor’s Sept. Cut to Loras Tyrell, filthy and shivering in his cell. Back in the sept, the High Sparrow enters and eyes Margaery, who stands beside her father. It’s still silent save for the piano. The seven judges representing the Faith take their seats.
A servant knocks on Tommen’s door and reminds him the trial is about to begin. Tommen seems to give no fucks. Cersei continues accessorizing her armor-like black gown with weapon-like jewelry. Grand Maester Pycelle kicks a whore out of his room without paying her – classic Pycelle! – but as he heads to the trial, a small unwashed child beckons him over and whispers in his ear.
Baelor’s Sept. Lancel and his fellow sparrows bring in Loras, who is werqing a buzzcut and a miserable expression. The High Sparrow gets the trial proceedings started, but Loras says they don’t need a trial. He confesses his crimes: sleeping with Renly, perjuring himself, and other things that are laughably innocuous compared to, oh, idk, most of what goes down in every damn episode of this show. (C: Right?) High Sparrow tells Loras to kneel before the Mother, which also happens to look a lot like kneeling before the High Sparrow, and Loras obeys. He wants to be forgiven and devote his life to the gods. Loras renounces the Tyrell name and his inheritance and his titles. His father Mace looks damn near close to a heart attack when he realizes he’s lost his heir. Loras swears to protect and defend the Faith, and HS gives a nod to some sparrows. They pull out a knife, and begin to carve a seven-pointed star into Loras’s forehead. Mace loses his shit at this, but Margaery holds him still and loudly reminds him that Faith is the way. Faith, and extremely crude tattoos.
Back to silence and piano music and the Red Keep, and a servant handing Cersei yet another accessory. (C: She’s def gonna have to do that thing where she takes off one before leaving.) (D: Yes. Coco Chanel says so. And Cersei and Chanel have a lot in common: wealth, status, far too much sympathy for the Nazi party, etc.) Tommen finally stands up and decides he’s ready to leave for the trial. But when he turns around, the man at his door is not the servant, but his mama’s favorite guard Frankenmountain. Tommen tries to leave for the trial, and Frankenmountain stops him with a single hand.
Baelor’s Sept. Margaery demands to know why the High Sparrow broke his word by mutilating her brother. Looks like our scheming little queen cut a deal with him to get her brother out of this mess alive. High Sparrow says, naw, I kept my word – once Cersei’s trial is over, Loras will be allowed to leave. Margaery, continuing to be the only person in King’s Landing with a brain, asks just where Cersei is. Lancel enternounces that she’s still in the damn Red Keep. Accessorizing is hard, y’all. Sparrow continues in voiceover, telling Lancel to go fetch Cersei, as we cut to our dark queen pouring herself a hefty glass of wine. Lancel obeys, Sparrow looks satisfied, but Margaery still looks concerned.
Lancel exits the Sept, sees another small unwashed child running into an alley, and follows. Elsewhere, Grand Maester Pycelle arrives in a creepy Basement of Don’t Go In There with his small unwashed child. Pycelle turns around and sees Qyburn. Pycelle is confused, since he was told the king needed to speak with him there. Being a total idiot, Pycelle didn’t question why Tommen wanted to speak with him in the Basement of Don’t Go In There until he had already Gone In There. Qyburn asks for Pycelle’s forgiveness. Pycelle turns around, and yet another unwashed child approaches him with a dagger. Several others appear, all tiny/filthy/armed. We cut between this scene, and Lancel running through the dark after another unwashed kid – seriously, someone get these kids some No More Tangles and also maybe a less creepy line of work. Qyburn gives Pycelle an “out with the old, in with the new” sort of defense for what’s about to go down. The music picks up, and suddenly there’s a whole bunch of kids stabbing Pycelle, over and over again, which seems quite unnecessary when one slit to the throat from one kid would probably have done the trick. But, you know. It’s Game of Thrones.
Catherine: It’s extra horrifying because not only is someone being murdered but they’re being murdered by a bunch of kids. I mean, god damn, Qyburn. At least murder him yourself! He’s 8,000 years old ffs. Anyway, RIP Pycelle. You’re farting with the Old Gods now.
Diva: Farting with the Old Gods is officially the name of my nu-metal band.
The hectic music dies down again as Lancel looks around a cavern, searching for the kid he followed. Out of nowhere, the kid up and stabs Lancel, who collapses, dropping his torch on the ground. Seriously, are there no child assassin labor laws in this country?
Back upstairs in the Sept, every highborn person in King’s Landing is packed in, waiting for Cersei’s trial to begin, and awkwardly whispering to each other. Cersei’s uncle Kevan Lannister and Mace Tyrell are starting to look worried, and Margaery looks downright pissed.
Basement of Don’t Go In There. Lancel is bleeding out but still drags himself across the ground, approaching some sketchy-looking barrels. Red Keep, where Cersei still staring out her window at the Sept, seemingly unbothered by the fact that she’s supposed to be there. In the Sept, Margaery finally approaches the High Sparrow to tell him that something is majorly not right with this situation. He is unconcerned – the gods will hold their judgment whether Cersei shows up or not. Margaery gives no fucks about the gods – only about the reason why neither Cersei nor Tommen are here.
Basement of Don’t Go In There. We see a lit candle, in a pool of bright green liquid. It’s surrounded by barrels, all full to bursting with that same bright green liquid. The cuts between scenes come quicker as the music becomes more intense: to the Sept, where Margaery decides to take charge of the situation and orders everyone to leave. She grabs her brother and tries to lead the way out. Cut to Lancel desperately crawling closer to the medieval fuse, because he knows what will happen once that candle melts. Cut to the Sparrows refusing to let Margaery or anyone else out of the sept. She pushes desperately, and looks around for her father, but no one seems to be able to leave. The music has been crescendoing and speeding up to a fever pitch, and Margaery and her brother stare coldly at the High Sparrow.
Basement of Don’t Go In There. The candle melts, and the bright green liquid around it catches the flame. The fuse blows, and we see the reflection of an enormous green explosion in Lancel’s green eyes.
Catherine: Calling this scene tense is an understatement. I was SCREAMING at my TV to get everyone out of the Sept. Mostly Margaery, let’s be honest. But also everyone. Up until the second that that Wildfire bomb went off I honestly didn’t believe it would happen.
Diva: Same. I was SURE there would be wildfire, and from the moment this episode started you could tell it was building to something huge, but I still somehow felt like it couldn’t possibly happen. Until it did.
Anyway, the tolling bell flies out of the Sept and down into the city, killing a few more people on its way. And from across the city, Cersei stands watch at her window, watching the green flames and the white smoke where Baelor’s Sept used to be. She smiles, like a woman finally at peace.
Cut to Tommen, staring out at the same scene of death and destruction. He blinks, stunned.
In another dank, dark room, someone rudely pours a flagon of wine over a septa’s face. “Confess,” Cersei demands of the septa who tormented her when she was in prison. Cersei engages in a method of torture that can only be called “wineboarding,” (C: There are worse ways, etc.) and orders Septa to confess that she tormented Cersei because it felt good, not because it was godly. She then tells Septa the thesis statement of her character, listing all the things she does because they feel good: drinking, killing her husband, fucking her brother, lying about fucking her brother, killing the High Sparrow and his septons and septas and soldiers, all because it felt good. Because their pain gave her joy. Cersei is all, #tbt to that time I told you that mine would be the last face you see before you die. Septa is relieved, because she’s ready to die. Cersei basically laughs at her and explains her that it won’t be that simple. Cersei calls for the Frankenmountain, who removes his helm for the first time. Cersei tells the septa that Ser Gregor is her god now. He comes closer, and just stands next to her, and the septa screams bloody murder. “Shame, shame, shame” Cersei chants as she leaves. The septa continues screaming. The cell door closes before Gregor even moves, but I imagine she’s not in for a treat.
Catherine: This is a triumphant moment for Cersei, I guess? But I kinda hate Cersei right now so I don’t care. Also if she legit enjoyed all that than is she really even better than the Septa? IDK I’m so mad.
Diva: Amen.
Tommen is still staring out his window. There is nothing left of the Sept – just smoke and ash and flames. A servant tells Tommen how sorry he is, and departs. We hold for a long time on a shot of Tommen, from behind, silhouetted in the center of his window. We watch him take off his crown. He turns towards the camera, and walks offscreen for a few moments, putting the crown away. We hold on the window. Tommen walks back into frame, right onto his ledge, and simply dives out his window without a second thought.
Which just makes me laugh.
Diva: It’s basically the same. And agreed, it was hard for my brain/heart to even process this death on top of everything else that just happened, but my jaw was still on the fucking floor. The camera is still holding on that empty window as the words of the next scene begin: “For House Lannister!”
“Hear me roar,” men respond, the words of House Lannister, as we cut to a feast at the Twins. Walder Frey toasts to House Frey, and to the friendship between their great Houses. He reminds them of the words of their alliance: “The Freys and the Lannisters send their regards,” which is basically a Red Wedding humblebrag. Jaime Lannister is sitting in the back looking less than thrilled, even when being eye-fucked by a super-hot serving wench.
Bronn pretends for a second like he’s not in the mood, and then goes off with the two women anyway, because obviously.
Walder Frey takes the opportunity to sit down for a nice chat with his buddy Jaime, who could not look more disgusted with Walder if he tried. Walder exposits that he’s keeping Edmure Tully in a cell – he can’t go killing his son-in-law because that would give their family a bad name. Jaime openly rolls his eyes at that, as do we all. Walder snarks about how the Blackfish was killed by some common soldiers, so maybe he wasn’t such a legendary warrior. Jaime pointedly asks what battles Walder fought in when he was young, and Walder just insists that he’s defeated all his enemies – Riverrun is his now, and that’s a victory. Jaime sarcastically calls him a “great conqueror,” but Walder won’t have it. He’s used to being mocked by Tullys and Starks, but where are they now? And Walder seems to remember Jaime’s last battle ending with him getting captured by Robb Stark. But none of that matters, Walder tells him – because they’re so much alike. “Two kingslayers,” Walder brags, and I swear, this almost makes Jaime burst into tears. If you can burst into tears from disgust, that is.
Walder talks about their Houses as a “we,” mocked behind their backs but ultimately feared in the end. Jaime corrects him: nobody fears the Freys. They fear the Lannisters. If the Lannisters have to ride back north again every time the Freys lose the riverlands, what the hell do they need the Freys for? With that, Jaime leaves, and Walder is left with his jaw on the floor.
Catherine: I haven’t read the books or anything, so IDK where Walder gets off thinking that his family is so great. They look like a ragtag group of Dickensian orphans. <
Diva: They look like that in the books too. All weasely faces and weak chins and shit.
Red Keep. “Show me,” Cersei tells Qyburn, who tries to refuse, but she won’t have it. She looks down at what must be Tommen’s corpse, her face frozen but her eyes damp and her voice strained. Still, she’s unnervingly blank, almost calm. She wants Qyburn to burn Tommen’s body, and bury his ashes where the sept once stood, where the graves of her father and her other children once stood. Before she blew them to pieces, along with the vast majority of the city’s religious figures and aristocrats, and also her uncle who I keep forgetting about. (C: Pfft, whose gonna hold the service. THINK IT THROUGH, Cersei!)
Somewhere far from Kings Landing, a cart stops. Sam, his giant sword that he stole from his pops, Gilly, her new southern hairdo, and her baby deboard, and we get our first glimpse of Oldtown. They see a tall tower reaching into the sky, and a flock of white birds flying around it. They enter the Citadel, and Sam practically sings a greeting to the Front Desk Maester. Front Desk Maester (FDM) somehow reminds me of a really shady drag queen, but in a more boring outfit. FDM refuses to move an inch, making Sam awkwardly reach over and put his letter from the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch directly into FDM’s hands. FDM opens a giant book and tells Sam that Jeor Mormont is the Lord Commander of the Watch. Sam is like, lol, funny story about that. FDM wants to know why the Citadel didn’t hear about Mormont’s death from the maester at Castle Black. Sam is like, lol, funny story about that. FDM hilariously tells Sam, “this is irregular,” but in a tone that means “bitch you are making my 9-5 a living nightmare, please kindly fuck off.” Sam tries to win him over with a “life is irregular,” but FDM has zero sense of humor. But at least he lets Sam use the library while Sam waits to talk to the archmaester. Gilly and her baby try to follow Sam, but FDM snaps, “no women or children,” and Sam just kind of gestures awkwardly at her, because he’s not good at things.
C: “Don’t worry, I know they don’t accept women and children! We’ll figure something out,” somehow translated into gesturing awkwardly and walking away for Sam. What is she gonna do? Sit in the waiting room?
Diva: FDM accompanies Sam to the library. And when he looks around, I swear to God, I burst into tears solely at the sight of this library. Bookshelves reach up and up and up to the top of the tower, shelves and books beyond counting, and beautiful gold instruments hanging from the ceiling, including one you might recognize from the opening credits. Sam looks around in a total state of wonder, and a million bookworms sigh happily.
Diva: Right? I would be mocking this mercilessly if the sight of that library didn’t make me fucking weep.
Winterfell. A white bird soars above the castle. Inside, we see Jon Snow, reminiscing about his childhood. He tells Melisandre that during feasts, his family sat up here, at the fancy table, while he had to sit in the back like bastards do. Melisandre doesn’t want to hear any of his rich white boy pain: at least he HAD a family. And feasts. Jon agrees he was lucky, and gives a sad sort of smile, as Davos walks in.
No, Davos storms the fuck in, tossing a small object into Melisandre’s hands as he enters. When she realizes she’s holding the burnt remains of Princess Shireen’s toy stag, her face drops, and she can barely make eye contact with Davos or Jon. Davos orders her to tell Jon what she did to his princess. (C: DAVOS! YESSSSS!) She can barely get the words out, but she finally admits: “we burned her at the stake.” Jon’s face darkens. Davos’s contorts as he demands to know why. Melisandre tells him it was the only way, and she only does what her Lord commands. “If he commands you to burn children, your Lord is evil,” Davos declares, and Melisandre looks up at him like this thought has never occurred to her before. She says they are all there because of her Lord of Light – Jon Snow is alive right now because of her Lord of Light.
Screaming, crying, tearing my fucking heart apart, Davos tells Melisandre how much he loved that girl. She was good, and Melisandre killed her. “So did her father,” Melisandre responds. “So did her mother.” And she’s right – everything about this is horrific, and nothing washes away what Melisandre did, but fuck, Shireen’s parents were straight up MONSTERS. Melisandre insists Shireen’s own parents knew this was the only way, but Davos won’t have it. “The only way for what?” he demands, weeping. All of them are dead now anyway. Melisandre fooled Stannis and the rest of them into thinking he was their savior, but she lied. Melisandre is quick to correct him – she was wrong, but she didn’t lie. Davos gives no fucks.
Davos asks Jon’s permission to execute Melisandre for murder. Jon asks if Melisandre has anything to say in her defense. She says, the Lord ain’t done with me yet. The war with the ice zombies is definitely going to happen, and she knows she can help. Jon tells her to ride south today, and he’ll have her hanged if she returns to the North. They have a staredown, until Melisandre puts down Shireen’s stag and starts to leave. Davos tells her he will execute her himself if she ever comes back. We get a glimpse of her riding away through the snow. Jon watches from the ramparts, and Sansa appears.
Catherine: I liked this scene a lot and I felt like it was a really good use of Jon and Davos’ characters and I cried okay continue.
Diva: Agreed.
Jon tells Sansa he’s having Catelyn and Ned’s old room prepared for her. Sansa thinks he should have their room – he’s a Stark as far as she’s concerned. Jon says no – this battle was won because of Sansa. The knights of the Vale came because of her. Jon reminds Sansa that Littlefinger sold her to the Boltons, and wants to know if she still trusts him. “Only a fool would trust Littlefinger,” she tells him, but she apologizes for keeping Littlefinger and the knights of the Vale a secret. Jon turns to her to have some feelings.
Diva: STARK COMEBACK 2K16! THE STARKAISSANCE! THE STARKS ARE BACK IN TOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOWN! *epic air guitar*
Sansa tells Jon that a white raven came from the Citadel, bringing the news: “winter is here.” He smiles, and looks up at the snow falling on their castle. “Well, father always promised, didn’t he?” She smiles, and continues watching the snow.
And as we move to the warm sands of Dorne, I pass this recap over to Catherine. Take it away, lady!
Catherine: Thanks but also no thanks because ew, Dorne.
But also yay, because Grandma Flowerboss is there looking all goth and glamorous in her mourning gear. Not content to just sit and cry like the rest of us nerds do when our grandchildren are killed in an explosion, Grandma Flowerboss has traveled to Dorne to talk to Ellaria and the bargain bin Sand Snakes about a plot of revenge. Apparently they invited her because the Lannisters have declared war on Dorne and House Tyrell and Ellaria thinks they should band together.
Diva: And also because the producers realized there was only one way to make us give any fucks about Dorne: put Grandma Flowerboss there.
Catherine: Ugh fine, I’ll give a fuck, but I won’t like it.
After some verbal smackdown of the Sand Snakes that we’ve all been waiting for, Flowerboss tells Ellaria that Cersei stole her whole family from her and she’s not after survival anymore. Ellaria says that she misspoke and tells her that she aims to give Flowerboss her hearts desire, ringing a little bell. Flowerboss asks what she thinks that is and Ellaria says ‘vengeance’ just as Varys appears and finishes with “fire and blood”.
Man, I want a little bell that summons Varys to sass at me.
Diva: When this episode premiered, I totally said “fire and blood” out loud to my television in response to Flowerboss’s question. Right before Varys did. My fiancee looked at me like I was a fucking prophet. This may have been my proudest moment.
Catherine: You officially know more about the future of this series than George R.R. Martin. Take the win!
Meereen. Dany is drinking alone when Daario comes in and says that her fleet of ships is almost ready and he’s curious to see how the Dothraki do on the open water. Dany tells him that he can’t sit with them in Westeros and that he’s staying in Meereen to babysit.
Daario gets pissed and Dany reminds him of his oath to her and then that she’s gonna be getting married soon to make an alliance in Westeros probs and she can’t bring her lover. Daario tells her that a king wouldn’t think twice about it and that he doesn’t give a shit who she marries as long as he can keep hitting that. He tells her he loves her and that she knows he makes her happy.
She touches his face tenderly and is like ‘nah’.
Instead of respecting her decision, Daario guesses that Tyrion told her to do this. Because of course she can’t come up anything on her own, right, being a woman and all. I mean, he did but that’s beside the point. Then he basically says that he’s ‘full of self-pity’ because he doesn’t know how he’s gonna trade up after her. Okay? Whatever, Daario. Bye.
Diva: We’ll miss your gorgeous butt and probably not much else, Daario!
Catherine: Dany goes into the throne room of her beachfront fortress and Tyrion is also sitting alone, drinking. These guys seem pumped about the trip, huh? He asks her how Daario took the news and says that he knows it was hard for her because Daario loved her.
Dany sits down next to him and tells him that he’s terrible at consoling. Tyrion does a speech about how they’re gonna tear shit up in Westeros and asks her if she’s afraid. When she nods he says that it’s good because she’s in ‘the great game’ now and the only people who aren’t scared of that are madmen like her father.
Dany says that what frightens her is that she said farewell to a man that she thought she cared for and she felt nothing. Tyrion says that Daario wasn’t the first to love her and he won’t be the last and I think—I *think* that he gives her a little puppydog ‘I love you, too and I’m kinda just realizing it’ look but it’s open to interpretation so maybe not everyone thought that’s what it was. I swear I’m not shipping it. Dany x Yara for life.
Diva: I absolutely saw that puppydog look. It made me furious. Tyrion, DO NOT FALL THE FUCK IN LOVE WITH DAENERYS TARGARYEN. You are too smart for that. And also, DANY+YARA=TRUE LOVE 5EVA
Catherine: Keep your emotions in check, Tyrion! Think about her bad qualities!
Tyrion tells her that he’s been a cynic his whole life and that she finally gave him something to believe in. He swears her his counsel. She tells him that she had something made for him but she’s not sure if it’s right. She pulls out a little Hand of the King pin and names him hand of the queen and Tyrion looks touched as he bows.
The Twins. Walder Frey is drinking alone. He’s also eating though so I guess that breaks the cycle of it being a thing this episode.
The cute servant girl from earlier walks up and puts a pie on the table, cutting off a slice to serve him. Walder says that she’s not ‘one of his’ (meaning his 5000 kids) and she confirms it. Then he tells her she’s too pretty to be his and smacks her ass.
Diva: Accurate, because she doesn’t look particularly Dickensian/weasely/weak-chinned. But also, Walder, you’re disgusting, please stop it.
Catherine: The girl jumps. Walder looks around and asks where his damn moron sons are. Also apparently the sons we saw Jaime alternately punching and sassing earlier this season are named ‘Lothar’ and ‘Black Walder’. So.
Diva: This is too perfect. I love this.
Catherine: IKR? It’s all I could think about.
The servant girl tells (white) Walder that his sons are already there. Walder asks WTF they’re doing and tells her to tell them to come to him. She tells him again that they’re already there. Since he’s in an obviously empty dining hall, Walder looks around, confused.
The servant girl helpfully leans forward and says ‘here’, while pointing at the pie. Walder pulls up the top of the pie crust and inside is a finger (or a toe?). He starts retching while the servant girl get’s all creepy voiced and tells him that they weren’t easy to carve. He looks up at her and she reaches up and takes off her face like a mask and you know what that means.
ARYA. FUCKING. STARK.
Diva: AM I ALLOWED TO SQUEE OVER THIS CUZ I KINDA WANNA.
Catherine: IF YOU DON’T I’LL BE DOING IT ALONE!
Walder looks horrified like he wasn’t just graced with the boss ass presence of the queen of my life or something. She tells him that her name is Arya Stark and she wants him to know that so he knows that the last thing he is ever going to see is a Stark smiling down at him as he dies. (D: Can a smiling Stark please be the last thing I see before I die? I’ll settle for a smiling Jon Snow, as long as he’s naked.) (C: YES PLEASE.) He tries to get up but she grabs him with one hand and pulls him back into the chair and cuts his throat.
Godswood tree thing with the faces. (D: Weirwood, but your description is better.) (C:I try) Littlefinger letches up to Sansa as she sits quietly, bothering no one.
He tells her to forgive him if she’s in prayer and he interrupted her. She tells him that she’s done praying and asks him what he wants. Of course, Littlefinger takes this is a signal that he should start a long creepy monologue and get progressively closer to her while whispering. It’s his whole thing. He wants her to marry him and tries to kiss her again. Hard HARD pass, Littlefinger. The hardest.
Diva: HARD X INFINITY. He legit makes my stomach churn.
Catherine: Sansa pushes him away because ew and starts to leave. He tells her that the news of the B of the B’s (Battle of the Bastards) is gonna spread quickly and that he’s declared his loyalty to House Stark. She points out that he’s declared to other houses before so who cares? He does another creepy monologue and calls her ‘my love’ while smack talking Jon and saying that he’s not fit to rule because he’s a bastard.
Man, you are just never gonna understand love are you, dick pig?
Sansa walks away.
The also woods. Benjen Stark leaves Bran and Meera because he’s just far too epic to go back into Westeros again. Apparently he can’t pass the wall, being dead and everything. He tells them that a great war is coming (we knoooowwww) (D: ugh, we get it, great war is the new winter) and that he is gonna do what he can to fight for the living. Bran thanks him and he wishes them good fortune and rides off.
Bran sees one of the spooky face trees (I think this is the one where Jon took his Nights Watch vows?) and touches it to get another vision.
Diva: A couple of things: I found the way Benjen claimed he was fighting for the living sort of shady. Was that just me? Something about all of that felt foreboding in a way I can’t quite pinpoint. Also: I have no idea if that was the tree where Jon took his vows, but it never occurred to me and I love that SO much. Geographically, it checks out – I mean, both would have happened just north of the Wall, but that’s like a 700-mile wide space, so it could just be some other fucking trees north of the Wall. But it being the same trees is definitely in my headcanon.
Catherine: Headcanon accepted.
Tower of Joy. WE’RE DOING IT, FOLKS.
Young Ned hears Lyanna screaming again and runs up to find her. He turns around for a second when he gets onto the stairs just like last time but this time the camera reveals that Bran is standing alone. Bran follows Young Ned into the tower where Ned bursts into a room to find Lyanna lying bed with blood aaaaall over her lady parts.
They have a sweet reunion where she says that she missed him but it’s obvious that she’s lost too much blood and she’s dying. She tells him that she wants to be brave and he tells her that she is. Ned starts calling for a maester and Lyanna tells him to shut up and listen to her and whispers something in his ear. We don’t hear most of it, only the end where she says, “If Robert finds out, he’ll kill him. You know he will. You have to protect him. Promise me, Ned.”
Diva: While I’m crying over “promise me, Ned,” I’d like to point out that there’s some random servant or handmaiden or whateverthehell also chillaxing in this room of sadness and super-importantness. Um, who are you, lady? Where have you been the last 17ish years? How much do you know about all the shenanigans happening around you? I have so many questions.
Catherine: If only someone could’ve just looked her ass up on Facebook this whole mystery would’ve been solved years ago!
Ned looks like he’s in shock and turns just as we hear a baby crying. The baby is handed to him as Lyanna says ‘Promise me, Ned’ again. Cut to the baby’s face as the music swells and the little face is replaced by Jon Snow’s face.
Diva: I know I watched this months ago, but I just screamed all over again at this. GUYS. GUYS. GUYS. I’M SO EXCITED.
Catherine: Yep. Fan theory confirmed, you guys: Jon Snow was always a cutie.
Jon is presiding over yet another angry yelling meeting but this time it’s in Winterfell and Sansa is sitting next to him. He looks super depressed about it, tbh.
The Winterfell people are all arguing over who was involved in the battle and Jon stands up to say that the Wildlings, his dudes and the Vale guys were all involved and all fought bravely and shove it.
He says his father said that you find your true friends on the battlefield. One guy stands up to say that they should all go home and wait out the winter in their houses. Jon says that the war is not over and ya’ll are gonna need some handwarmers and to stop being crybabies.
Remember the White Walkers? Yeah, they’re still coming, nerds. Everyone starts arguing again and Lyanna Mormont (other queen of my life) stands up. Being the absolute bossest of the bosses, Bearboss pulls receipts on every single old dude in the room, reminding them of when they refused to help out the Starks after the Red Wedding.
Diva: All these grown-ass men getting told what’s what by this little girl gives me ALL THE EMPOWERMENT FEELS. #ImWithHer
Catherine: She brings up specific points when they refused their calls and discusses people’s dads being skinned alive and sons being butchered like she’s discussing lunch plans. (D: Lunch plans for Walder Frey, AMIRITE?) (C: *High fives you*) She then says that House Mormont remembers and says that the north remembers. She says that House Mormont knows no king but the king in the north whose name is Stark.
Jon looks shocked. Sansa looks smug as fuck.
Bearboss says that she doesn’t give a shit if Jon’s a bastard and that Ned Stark’s blood runs through his veins. He’s the only king she’ll recognize from this day till his last day. This causes a bit of a commotion among the old dudes and Bearboss nods at Jon as she sits back down.
Brb, trying to figure out how to file papers to have Bearboss adopt the Snark Ladies.
Diva: Yes. All of us grown-ass women would like to be adopted by this fictional small child as soon as possible, please and thank you.
Catherine: After her speech, of course OF COURSE the old dudes agree and start proclaiming that Jon is the king in the north and pledging their allegiance to him. The whole king in the north scene plays out the same way that it did for Robb but with more triumphant music.
Catherine: It’s a good point. Bearboss needs to be queen already. And our mom. Working on it.
Jon gets to his feet and looks amazed and daunted and pleased. Sansa looks unsurprised and smiles at him before she notices Littlefinger leering at her across the room and the smile falls from her face.
Outside King’s Landing. Jaime and Bronn return and from a vantage point over the city see a big smoking crater where the Sept used to be. Even Bronn looks shocked. Hope you guys have insurance.
Cersei Darth Vaders her way into the throne room of the Red Keep with her squad. She sits on the pointy uncomfortable throne as Qyburn proclaims her the queen of Westeros. Whatever, Cersei. I hope you get metal butt splinters.
Everyone in the crowd looks on in trepidation including—for the record—Jaime.
Diva: My god. Jaime’s face. Jaime looks… well, he looks like he just caught his sister-lover doing the thing that he once murdered his king for threatening to do. You know. That face that we’ve all made.
Catherine: Oh man yeah, I hate those days.
The Ocean between Westeros and Meereen. Theon looks up at a flapping flag with his house sigil on it, sadly. But he looks around at the men sailing the ship and looks a bit more confident. The camera pulls out to reveal Yara standing next to him, looking forward.
The next shot is of Grey Worm and a ship full of Unsullied. Then it pulls out to show more ships. And more ships. And fucking hell so many ships holy shit. Every ship bears the flag of House Targaryen which means they look dope cause it’s a great flag.
Another ship is shown with the Dothraki working together and their horses below deck, chilling. Above that ship we see a dragon fly overhead. Then the camera follows behind that dragon and the other two are revealed leading the flotilla.
And in the leading ship is Tyrion, Missandei, Varys (who can now teleport, apparently) and Dany, looking justifiably smug.
Diva: In the background, I think you can see some ships with the flags of Dorne and Highgarden on them. Flowerboss+Ellaria FTW!
Catherine: The camera pans out again show the fucking lot of ships and the dragons fly toward it.
End of episode.
Well. Holy shit, guys. That was a lot. Not just because the episode was thirty extra minutes but because SO much happened. I don’t even know where to begin.
Margarey (and others) dying (look I don’t care as much about the others, let’s admit it), Cersei being crowned queen because she literally killed every single other person with any right to the throne, Jon Snow being confirmed as Lyanna’s son, Dany and her crew coming to Westeros, Arya existing. This episode was almost a love letter to the fans of the series for sticking with it so long. So much fanservice (in this sense, fanservice being a good thing) and just…gah! I loved it. I loved this season. I feel like they really picked up from last season and made it worth watching again. Reviewing this season was a blast. I can’t wait to find out what’s gonna happen next season.
Diva: This finale had EVERYTHING.
Tower of Joy, Frey pies, wildfire, Flowerboss, Bearboss, cool flags, murder. ALLLLLL the murder. So much murder, you guys. Probably the highest body count of named characters ever. Cersei murdered LITERALLY EVERYONE LEFT IN KINGS LANDING WHOSE NAMES WE KNOW, and a lot whose names we don’t, except for herself and Qyburn and Frankenmountain. And I guess some of those unwashed children. And as if it weren’t enough that this episode gave us SO! MUCH! STORY, it was also a fucking work of art.
The music set the tone (pun only partially intended) of the entire episode. The direction and the editing of the entire opening fashion montage gave the audience a weirdly voyeuristic peek into the private life of each character, while building up the anticipation for what was to come. Whether it’s a boy king getting a crown put on his head by a servant, a queen mother being accessorized with chains and spiky rings, a wizened maester donning his chain, or a humble priest – seeing these characters get dressed means seeing them vulnerable. It also ties them to each other – undressed, they’re all just people, but their clothes make them who they are. Or as the great RuPaul once said, “we’re all born naked and the rest is drag.” The costumers on this show told as much story as the director, especially with Cersei. And from the wildfire reflecting in Lancel’s eyes to the way they framed the shot of Tommen’s suicide, this episode had so many details that stick out in my mind because they were so magnificently beautiful and powerful.
This season was terrific. Game-changing, stakes-raising, and most importantly, not nearly as soul-crushingly miserable as last season, which had me close to giving up on a story I truly love. Not to say this season was without its fair share of heartwrenching sadness – I may never hold a door again – but it lifted Season 5’s crushing bleakness ever so slightly, and also had significantly less rape. Less rape helps a lot.
For the first time, the dynamic I’m most excited to see more of is Jaime and Cersei. Our crazed ruler burned innocent people to death, and has nothing left but a crown and butt full of metal splinters. And a twin who literally got his name by breaking his most important vows to stop a crazed ruler from burning innocent people to death. Sure, I’m curious to see how the Littlefinger-Sansa-Jon dynamic progresses, and I’m expecting one of those Targaryen ships that set sail to be the Dany-Yara Ship of My Dreams, and I’d like to spend forever in Sam’s new library, and I’d like confirmation that Tyrion is not in love with Dany, and I have no idea wtf could possibly be in store for Arya now that she’s back in Westeros and murdering Freys. Oh, and I guess there’s also that Great War to Come.
But I think I’m most excited to watch the Lannister twins destroy themselves, and each other.
And now, your #gameofsnark tweets:
STARK WOLVES ON WINTERFELL CREDITS I’M SO HAPPY #gameofsnark #GameofThrones
— Franuel (@LollyWheeks) June 27, 2016
KINGS LANDING IS OUT OF CONTROL THIS IS NOT A DRILL EVERYONE UNDER YOUR DESKS. #gameofsnark
— Samantha Ania (@SamanthaSpice91) June 27, 2016
Not. My. Girl. Margaery. Why. No. Fuck. God DAMMIT CERSEI #gameofsnark
— Samantha Ania (@SamanthaSpice91) June 27, 2016
cersei picked the EXACT RIGHT OUTFIT to torture and kill everybody #gameofthrones #gameofsnark
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) June 27, 2016
Cersei looks like a Michael Jackson backup dancer in that outfit. #sorrynotsorry #gameofsnark
— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) June 27, 2016
TOMMEN. BABY TOMMEN. WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!?! #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Daria Marshall (@idoubledogdaria) June 27, 2016
“I know we just killed all your favs but heres a pretty library!” — GOT writers. #gameofsnark
— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) June 27, 2016
I mean, I’m in LOVE with that library, but it feels like a trap #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Daria Marshall (@idoubledogdaria) June 27, 2016
Sam, get ready because from the looks of that library, some candlesticks are about to sing Be Our Guest. #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Haley Dercher (@HaleyDercher) June 27, 2016
Jon and Sansa’s lil’ smile when they realized winter is here and they’re the only family that owns coats. #gameofsnark
— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) June 27, 2016
THIS IS THE DANCIEST I’VE EVER FELT ABOUT BRUTAL CANNIBALISM AND MURDER #gameofthrones #gameofsnark
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) June 27, 2016
TOWER OF JOY!!!!! *starts hyperventilating* #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Daria Marshall (@idoubledogdaria) June 27, 2016
TOWER OFJOY! Breathe,@democracydiva breathe! #gameofsnark
— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) June 27, 2016
THEY’RE GIVING US ALL OF IT
TOWER OF JOY TOWER OF JOY TOWER OF JOY
I’M SCREAMING
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) June 27, 2016
Yeah, that’s right. You were all just shamed by a 10 year old. #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Rhonda Cowsert (@rcowsert) June 27, 2016
Mom while watching the GoT Finale: Well, you gotta give Cersei credit, go big or go home #GameofThrones #GameofSnark
— Daria Marshall (@idoubledogdaria) July 4, 2016
This episode made me love Cersei more than ever, somehow. Am I an horrible person ? #gameofsnark #Gameofthrones
— Idriss (@Kinglypuff) June 27, 2016
Varys must have a lot of frequent flyer miles. #GameofThrones #gameofsnark #thronesyall
— Tayci (@TayciBear) June 27, 2016
So the dragons just follow her? Does she have like a whistle or something to call them? #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Rose (@Coyote_Rose) June 27, 2016
The dragons are like, “We have to fly this whole way? This is bullshit”. #gameofsnark
— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) June 27, 2016
I'm a 28 year old graduated English major and almost librarian. I can often be found singing too loudly (poorly) in the car or spending some time (hours) on Tumblr. I am a lover of Harry Potter, the Spice Girls, and too many other things.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
