The OC S04 E11 – The memory of a goldfish.

Previously: A sexy book written about Taylor.
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The Dream Lover

Marines: Beautiful establishing shots. Ryan and Seth are having breakfast and bro chatting about their relationships. Seth says that it would’ve been better for Summer to break-up with him, rather than just reject his marriage proposal because now the elephant is in the room (…the truth is in ya face when ya hear the British cannons go boom…). (S: Necessary.) Ryan assures Seth that there is no elephant and no break-up.

Cut to Taylor and Summer having the same kind of breakfast chat, except it’s Taylor saying that this must be a break-up because Ryan hasn’t returned any of her 17 calls. We cut back to the boys and Ryan says he’ll call her back when he’s ready, seeing as how she did lie to him about her French ex-husband. Seth, now playing the voice of reason, says that Taylor apologized. Seth tells Ryan to call her back and Ryan turns it around and tells him to call Summer.

Sweeney: “Nobody uses their words in spite of solid advice to do so,” is always a great setup! My favorite!

Mari: Summer’s phone rings, but it isn’t Seth. It’s Che. He’s flying to Newport because he was feeling weird Seth vibes. I guess we’re forgetting his hand in getting Summer kicked out of college. (S: NOT ME. FUCK CHE.) Taylor’s phone rings, but it isn’t Ryan. It’s Henri-Michel. Turns out he’s renting a house in Newport and asked Taylor to move in with him. Summer can’t believe Taylor is considering this, but Taylor has been mooching off the Roberts/Coopers. She’s lived with Henri before and she thinks he’ll be useful in helping her get over Ryan. Summer looks down at their adorable flip phones and says the boys are going to call.

Sweeney: I just one to flag this as yet another in the string of nonsensical turns in the Ryan/Taylor relationship that I cannot comprehend.

Mari: Noted.

CALIFORNIA!

Summer stops by Ryan’s job to ask him about how Seth is doing. Ryan does a really bad job lying, saying first he didn’t even know about the failed proposal and then that Seth had pink eye. Summer asks if Ryan had pink eye too, since he’s been avoiding Taylor. Ryan at first blames it on nursing Seth, but then adds that he was really waiting for Henri-Michel to leave. Summer breaks the news that he isn’t.

Seth stops by Summer’s house and finds Che doing tai chi in the living room. Seth asks why he’s randomly in Summer’s living room and Che says he came for Seth after Summer told him about the rejected proposal. Apparently, Che is worried about Seth’s masculinity. Summer walks in and asks about Seth’s pinkeye, which he never had and things are generally awkward, though Seth insists that he’s fine. Summer says that’s good because she’s missed him and they are going on a romantic date that very night. Seth responds with pained looks and awkward high fives. Che thinks maybe Seth is okay, but Summer tells him not to leave town just yet.

Taylor has lunch with Henri-Michel who is super serious about moving to Newport if it means he can win Taylor’s love back. She appreciates him putting himself out there unlike some brooding emotionally unavailable poolhouse-dwelling cutie pies we know. Henri gathers that Ryan still hasn’t called and Taylor confirms. She tries to convince herself that it’s for the best since things were never going to work with Ryan anyway.

Sweeney: I mean, barring lactose intolerance, that is a pretty damning character flaw.

Mari: No, girl. It just means more cheese for you.

Things take a turn for the gross as Henri-Michel starts saying I love you a thousand times to Taylor. Thank you for the cut away.

Harbor, where CHRIS BROWN IS STILL EXISTING ON MY SCREEN. He flirts with Kaitlin, but a bunch of girls are sending them judgey looks. Kaitlin notices and wanders over to the girl, Will in tow. The girl, a band geek named Lucy, happily and flirtatiously greets Will and compliments him on some band things. She confirms that he’ll still be at the bake sale and Kaitlin just looks on like wtf.

After Lucy is gone, Will invites Kaitlin to the bake sale. They can study afterwards. As Kaitlin walks away, Lucy gives her a death glare while clutching a clarinet. Seriously.

Sweeney: Some of this high school stuff could be endearing if it didn’t feel like it belonged to some other show entirely. This show began by showing us “high school students” but always with pumped up soap opera dramatics, so all of these Kaitlin plots wind up feeling super out of place.

Mari: Especially because she’s the only high school student left. GRADUATE ALREADY.

(No More) Gigolo HQ. Kirsten answers the phone and it’s Julie, asking Kirsten not to hang-up. Kirsten has a “if you turn our business into a prostitution ring, you get hung up on” policy. This HR lady approves. Julie calls back and says their friendship can’t be ruined over this and Kirsten firmly reminds Julie that this was TURNING THEIR BUSINESS INTO A PROSTITUTION RING. So, yeah. Kirsten is not yet on the forgiveness train.

Ryan finally shows up at the Cooper-Infested Roberts Home, only to find that Taylor isn’t there. Kaitlin tells him to try the Four Seasons, aka where Henri-Michel is staying. Kaitlin also encourages Ryan to bring a gift because Henri is buying Taylor a house, so…

Summer leads Seth into her bedroom, which is decorated with lights and candles. There are videos games, Thai take-out, and emo music. Summer Roberts, you are too good for Seth Cohen. (S: Somewhere my teenage self is telling you to bite your tongue, but my adult self knows that you are completely right.) Summer and Seth sit and she tells him that she really loves him and she does want to marry him someday, she’s just not ready. Seth wants to forget it happened, but Summer doesn’t. She thought it was really sweet and cute. This is all making Seth uncomfortable so he walks out, saying he needs some water.

Downstairs, Seth finds Che and says maybe his animus is broken. Che says he can heal Seth.

The next day, Summer is leaving a message for Seth when she notices a note on the kitchen counter. It’s from Che, explaining that he’s taken Seth into the forest to heal him. We cut there and see Seth putting on a giant backpack and double checking that he won’t need his GPS enabled phone. Che says all they need is a harmonica, a broken Seth and giant backpacks. Summer reads on and the rest of the letter says Summer needs to find herself as well.

Ryan goes to the Four Seasons with a cheap teddy bear that says “thanks.” Oh, Ryan.

Henri-Michel lets him in and warns that he’s a bleeder, in case Ryan is here to beat him up. Ryan is surprisingly chill about this whole situation and tries to make a quick exit when Henri tells him that Taylor is out shopping for furniture for their new house. Henri sees the cheap teddy Ryan is holding and stops him to say condescending things about the gift and also assure Ryan that competition is cool with him. Henri-Michel feels a poem coming on and that’s Ryan’s cue to skedaddle.

Sweeney: I think Henri-Michel is my least favorite S4 subplot. He makes me want to leave the room too, Ryan.

Mari: (No More) Gigolo HQ. Spencer calls Julie with the wonderful news that one of the prostitutes, Chaz, has chlamydia. Since Spencer is out of the country and Julie no longer works for New Match, Spencer says it’s down to Kirsten to let everyone who Chad slept with know.

Harbor. Kaitlin is in the bathroom when she’s cornered by Lucy and two other band girls. They basically threaten to beat Kaitlin up if she shows up at the bake sale and Kaitlin thinks it’s super cute that they think they can. In fact, she’s definitely going to the bake sale now.

Hotel again. Taylor gets back after furniture shopping and when Henri-Michel suggests a nap (eyebrow waggle), it seems she’s kind of squicked out by him. Henri hands over the bear Ryan brought and Taylor gives it the side eye for a long time before throwing it away and asking Henri to repeat all the reasons he loves her. We again thankfully cut the hell away.

Sweeney: 

Mari: It’ll all be over soon.

Julie gets super excited when Kirsten calls her but surprise! it’s just with the message that Chaz has chlamydia. Julie somehow ropes Kirsten into helping break the news to all the women who slept with Chaz. Julie will do the talking and Kirsten the driving.

Summer is talking to Taylor on the phone, trying to get her to come over to help her cook a gourmet dinner. It works and when Summer hangs up, we see Ryan standing there, expectantly. Summer lied to Taylor to help Ryan out. He wants to tell Taylor what he’s feeling. Summer is like, “oooh, well, you aren’t actually good at that, but good luck.” She also tells him not to choke with actual choking motion.

Forest. Seth wants to know when they are going home. Che tells him that they are actually staying over night in the forest to help Seth’s spirit animal. I’ll spare you the rest of this because cultural appropriation is the worst. Basically, Seth is not happy about spending the night in the forest. He slaps Che, who just keeps happily talking away.

Cooper Infested Roberts House. Taylor shows up and surprise! It’s Ryan waiting for her. He apologizes for abandoning her on a French talk show set and not calling her for a week. (Which, I get, but ignores the fact that Taylor was embarrassed by him and was making up lies to make it better?) (S: This relationship has the memory of a goldfish. They can’t seem to hold onto more than the single most recent incident.) Ryan says how they feel is more important than what they have to talk about (…I mean…) (S: That’s one theory of relationships.) Taylor would like to know how he feels. Ryan chokes. Taylor tells him that Henri-Michel is reading a whole love poem out to her the next day. That actually sounds horrible to me. Ryan, you can not tell me you love me any day.

Seth is still miserable in the forest.

Kirsten waits for Julie as she gives a kiss goodbye to a blonde woman. Julie comes over and says that it went really well. Kirsten marches over to the blonde woman and breaks the actual news about chlamydia, as it’s obvious Julie didn’t tell her. Blonde lady freaks out, even after Kirsten says Julie will pay for all the medical bills. Julie, unrepentant as ever, suggests that they go do their nails next.

Summer is in her room looking at pictures and having feelings about endangered animals. Taylor comes in to call her a traitor, but Summer says that she did what she thought was right. Taylor tells Summer about the cheap teddy bear and Summer’s all, “AWWW!” because that’s basically the nicest thing Ryan’s ever done. Taylor seems to reconsider the gift. Summer is an excellent wingman this episode. (S: Summer > Everyone)

Beach. Sandy is packing up his surfboard and Ryan pulls up next to him. Ryan’s come for a run to clear his head and of course, Father Game So Strong Sandy gives him the advice of using his words and doing something about letting Taylor know his feelings. Ryan runs off and Sandy laughs to himself about Ryan’s cheap teddy with mug of candy.

Taylor goes back to the hotel room to fish her cheap teddy out of the trash, but it’s gone, and Henri-Michel catches her. He says it’s no biggie to want to keep a memento from a past lover, but the question is really if she wants the cheap teddy or the Ryan. Taylor sighs that she wants someone who wants her. Taylor, girl. I get it but get you a few more standards. Henri is excited for this single standard because his poem is going to knock Taylor’s socks off. He’s off to go rest and Taylor looks like she just kissed her greasy uncle or something.

Strange things are still happening in the forest. Rocks are smoking and Seth ate suspect berries.

Bake Sale. I really wonder who was looking at Kaitlin’s storyline and convincing people that the viewers would care. She walks in and joins Chris Brown and Lucy and some other band girls. Kaitlin asks Chris Brown to fetch her a soda. While he does that, Kaitlin insults the band girls some for their lame outfits. Chris Brown comes back and asks if everything is okay. Lucy tattletales about Kaitlin calling their band hats lame and Chris Brown agrees that they kinda are. Lucy runs off, feelings hurt.

Forest of WTF. The boys are in a teepee looking tent now with smoking rocks. Seth is sweating a lot and Che is playing a bongo. Seth starts to hallucinate and I honestly don’t know if this more or less weird than the shared coma dream episode. (S: Too close to call.) In his hallucination, Seth is in his house, but it’s weird and smokey. He goes up to his room and also the pool is in his room? And there is an adorable otter swimming around in there. Seth is amazed and promises to take care of the lost otter and bring it home.

He wakes up and wakes Che up to tell him the good news: he healed his spirit animal. Che is super impressed but makes weird faces when he hears that the spirit animal was an otter. I’m trying not to pay too much attention to this because seriously, the spirit animal thing is making me uncomfortable.

Poetry Reading. There is a god and we show up as Henri-Michel is finishing. The women in the audience are all moony and tear eyed. A woman near Taylor says that she would give anything to have a man write her a poem like that. The book store lady tells the women that if they stick around, the author will be signing his book. But Ryan interrupts! He’s here and he’s got a poem and the music in the background makes this equivalent to running up a ton of stairs, Rocky-style.

After a not!break, the book store lady tells Ryan this isn’t karaoke, but Henri-Michel tells him to get on with baring his soul.

Smiles all around until everyone notices that Henri-Michel is gone. Ryan tries to keep expressing his feelings for Taylor, but she apologizes and takes off after Henri.

Julie is saying they’ve had a good day now that 3 out of 5 women know they’ve been exposed to an STD. Julie’s definition of a good day is not the same as mine. We soon find out why: Kirsten spots Spencer siting at the bar of this restaurant and supremely not in Mexico. Kirsten asks him what he’s doing and he immediately squeals: Julie told him to do it. Julie Cooper lied about chlamydia in order to spend time with Kirsten. 

But it’s okay because she picked the five meanest women in Newport to lie to. Kirsten is speechless, but Julie presses on and invites her to dinner to debate the ethics of lying about chlamydia.

Sweeney: It’s a pretty short debate. Too short for dinner — more of a “waiting for the vending machine” debate.

Mari: Where Julie and Kirsten are the only two in line.

Harbor School of NO ONE CARES. Kaitlin finds Lucy in the bathroom to say, “sorry Chris Brown doesn’t like you.” Lucy starts cry-yelling about how she’s loved Chris Brown since she lent him a pen. Also, that Kaitlin doesn’t appreciate him and makes fun of all the things that make Chris Brown Chris Brown.

Lucy says Kaitlin makes Chris Brown not want to be Chris Brown. This gives Kaitlin feelings and she has to leave without a comeback. Outside the bathroom, Kaitlin looks at Chris Brown from afar and has more feelings.

Taylor goes to the hotel looking for Henri-Michel, but he’s gone (hopefully forever). He’s left a note that we can see is written in English, but when Henri-Michel’s voiceover starts, he’s speaking in French. Taylor is reading in English, though. IDK IDK. Basically Henri says that he loves Taylor but he loves love more and doesn’t want to be alone in it.

Sandy is home and Kirsten is still at dinner with Julie. Over the phone, Kirsten tells Sandy it’s a long story, but the gist of it is that Julie is a terrible business partner, but the best (only) friend Kirsten has got.

Sweeney: This is very sad. Kirsten deserves so much better than this.

Mari: Beach. Kaitlin walks with Chris and sabotages their relationship by saying that he’s a dork and should be with a dork like Lucy. He gets insulted and walks away (hopefully forever).

Cooper-Infested Roberts House. Che is sitting on the kitchen counter and Julie asks what the heck he’s still doing around. He starts to explain that he had a dream once and his spirit animal was a frog. Julie’s Big Eyes while she wonders if she’s gonna have to change the locks are A+.

Upstairs, Seth gives Summer a big kiss and tells her about healing his spirit animal otter. Summer thinks that’s so cute and wants to start a non-profit to save the otters.

We cut back downstairs where Che finishes his story about his dream, in which he found his other half: an otter. Julie congratulates him on being in love with an otter and Che says all he has to do now is explain it to the otter.

Hokay.

Sweeney: Hopefully Che can go the way of Chris Brown and Henri-Michel soon too because this is weird in a way that’s a lot less fun than shared comas.

Mari: Ryan is  brooding in the poolhouse. Taylor stops by to say that Henri-Michel is gone because he understood that Taylor didn’t love him. It’s just that when he said I love you, the whole world melted away. She needed to hear those words and now understands that until she can be stronger on her own, she shouldn’t be with anyone. Ryan says he understands and it makes sense and Taylor leaves.

We end the episode with Che talking to a picture of Seth.

It’s cool that I start this episode saying that Julie needed to be less flippant about an STD outbreak and Taylor needed more standards and we ended the episode with Julie admitting to lying about the STD and Taylor realizing she needed more standards. In that way, the episode was acceptable.

Have I mentioned that I’m done with spirit animals and Chris Brown, though? So done.

 

Next time on The OC: Kirsten is turning 40 and Julie is having an affair in S04 E12 – The Groundhog Day.