Previously: Hooligans! Punks! Terrible people!
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Marines: Tessa’s mommy dearest lectures her for an hour.
“An hour later, after listening to my mother warn me against the dangers of parties and college men– and using some language that’s rather uncomfortable for Noah and me to hear from her– she finally makes her move to leave.”
I get that the author was trying to say that the lecture on scary men and god forsaken parties contained uncomfortable language (probably SEX, STDs, PENISES EVERYWHERE etc), but because of a questionably placed aside, it can kind of almost be read this way:
1- Mom lectures for an hour
2- Using some uncomfortable language, Mom leaves.
Which, what? What uncomfortable language could it be? Like AND WITH THAT, I’M GETTING THE EFF OUT OF HERE.
I like option B, obviously.
Samantha: Same. Or MAYBE Tessa’s mom is secretly an evil witch and she was uttering forbidden witch words and curses?
Mari: No, girl. That’s too interesting.
Once mom Beyonces out, Tessa and Almost About to Get Dumped Noah hug goodbye. Tessa waxes poetic about missing the cologne that she kind of was getting tired of but you know, she’s probably gonna still miss it. (S: She got it for him 2 Christmases in a row! Lazy gift giver much?)
For some reason, in the middle of their goodbye hug, we get this gem:
“Noah is only a few inches taller than me, but I like that he doesn’t tower over me. My mother used to tease me growing up, claiming that a man grows an inch for every lie he tells. My father was a tall man, so I won’t argue with her logic there.”
The second Noah starts to kiss Tessa, they hear her mother honk from downstairs and break apart. This is why your ass is getting dumped, Noah.
Samantha: Don’t be an Edward Cullen about kissing, Noah.
Also, how awkward is that drive home going to be for Noah after the Forbidden Words Lecture?
Mari: Damn. Noah’s already shaping up to be the tragedy of this story.
All alone, Tessa unpacks her bags and also starts touching all of Steph’s clothes like a creep. After that, she gets in bed and starts to feel insta-lonely. Tessa is both sad at the thought of Steph being gone all the time and her having friends over all the time. All Tessa could’ve hoped for was a roommate who loved to read and study, like a good girl and not like stupid Steph who has friends, ew what.
Samantha: She is also actually planning on not having any real friends. Just Eat Lunch With Me Sometimes friends. Okay.
Mari: With these opposite of cheerful thoughts, Tess organizes her school supplies, thinks about how she wants to decorate her side of the room and falls asleep to thoughts of “schedules, red-haired girls, and unfriendly men covered in tattoos.”
Ana used to have weird dreams like these too, full of dark places and men in coveralls, or whatever.
The next morning, Tessa wakes up to find that Steph still isn’t home. She harumphs about how difficult it will be to get to know Steph if she’s never around. I’m recapping all of this nonsense primarily so we can see the slut shaming slowly building, okay? (S: Yup.)
Tessa heads to take a shower and she’s super bummed that there are co-ed showers.
“But when I reach the door, sure enough, there are two stick figures printed on the sign, one male and one female. Ugh. I can’t believe they let this kind of thing happen. I can’t believe I didn’t uncover it while I was researching WCU.”
- This is why a campus visit is a smart idea, honey. (S: RIGHT THO?! IT WAS ONLY A 2 HOUR DRIVE!)
- Why are there co-ed showers in the girls dorms? Are these boys coming from across campus to shower here? That’s weird.
I have a feeling this is basically happening to continue this whole OH ME OH MY. characterization of Tessa. Stop it. We get it. Your puritanical, pearl clutching protagonist is soon going to be hanging from the chandeliers naked or whatever. Please stop now.
Tessa showers but ends up knocking her clothes to the shower floor and soaking them. (S: The book weirdly italicizes the word pour. It reads weirdly. I will now be italicizing random words in these recaps.)
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I groan to myself…”
“I know right!” I exclaim loudly over useless dialogue tags and fan fiction that gets published with little to no editing.
Tessa rushes to her room, opens the door and instantly relaxes… until she sees the brown haired boy!
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?
a. Tessa blushes a lot while brown haired boy is mean to her
b. The towel drops, the music stops, the steam rises
c. Tessa runs across campus to go get dressed in the co-ed bathrooms in the boys’ dorm rooms
d. AND THEN THEY DIE.
Vote in the comments.
Samantha: I’m going for option D. It’s not to early for AND THEN THEY DIE, right? Maybe she slips, you know?
Next time on After: Probably A in Chapter 04.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a 28 year old graduated English major and almost librarian. I can often be found singing too loudly (poorly) in the car or spending some time (hours) on Tumblr. I am a lover of Harry Potter, the Spice Girls, and too many other things.
