Charmed S03 E04 – Single-shaming.

Previously: Something something about fairies.
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All Halliwell’s Eve

Marines: Manor. It’s Halloween. Piper is Glinda the Good Witch, Prue is something that involves glitter, and Phoebe is Elvira. Piper says she’s got a new attitude and she’s determined to celebrate the witches’ holiday with enthusiasm. Phoebe objects to the portrayal of witches in popular culture and… I can’t. Too on the nose.

Piper is trying to rush everyone out of the house. Daryl is in the kitchen, finishing up a phone call to his invisible wife. He’s wearing his cop uniform from his rookie days, and he proudly comments that it still fits. Leo says his too! He’s wearing a uniform from World War II. Daryl asks who the eff Leo even is and Prue promises to explain on the way, since they are going to hang out together as the two dateless ones of the group. Piper of course points out that Daryl is married and Prue is dateless because she’s picky. Prue insists that she’ll find a real man, one day, one day soon. I’m sure all of this will be super applicable to to the high jinks to come. Phoebe mentions Cole. She apparently  invited him to come along with them, but he hasn’t shown up.

Stephanie: We’re only seconds into the episode and one of the ladies is already being single-shamed. I’m not sure if that’s actually a thing, but it seems fitting for this show. 

Mari: So fitting I just made it the title of this post even though this episode is about time travel and Halloween.

Outside, kids are running around in costumes. One kid stops a couple of dudes to compliment their costumes, but whoops, they are actual demons. Pale Demon 1 starts choking this kid through the eyes (honestly, that’s the best description of what’s happening) until Cole shows up and calls them off. In clunky expository fashion, Cole asks what the Pale Demons are doing here and they explain they are taking advantage of Halloween to get revenge on the Charmed Ones, who have already bested them once. Anyone remember these Pale Demons? Anyone? Anyone?

Steph: No clue. These guys look so awful you’d think they’d be burned into our brains. 

Mari: Cole tells them that he’s got Triad-approved plans for the witches that don’t include them. The Pale Demons say they don’t answer to anyone because they are dead. Cole says there’s dead… and then there’s dead. Wow. I guess since that brilliant threat didn’t seem to work, he says he’ll just move up his time table and vanishes.

Back at the manor, the gang is still trying to get out the door, but now Prue has to find her broom. Someone knocks and Phoebe answers. She thinks it so cool that the demons at the front door look like actual demons… Oh no! Phoebe and Piper run, but not before the demons start sucking life force out of them.

In the kitchen, Leo gets a tinkly alarm and runs out to warn the girls. Prue comes too and telekinesises the demons away. Thing is, Leo didn’t come to warn them about the Pale Demons. He came to warn them about the portal that just opened right behind them.

The Pale Demons get up and Piper freezes them. She asks Leo what’s happening, but before he can answer, they all get sucked into the portal. Hilariously, their wigs all get left behind. Leo yells at TPTB(c) to wait because the P’s don’t know what’s happening. He also hilariously starts pulling on the molding along the door. Good job, Leo. I’m sure the portal is in there.

I AM THE SAHN.

The girls fall through their wormhole for a while and land in a field. They wonder if the grimlocks (the pale demons!) did this, but Piper doesn’t think so. Prue sees that they are standing in front of a witch’s altar and wonders what’s going on. On cue, a bunch of angry dudes holding guns charge for them, yelling about killing witches. The girls make a run for it, getting in a classic line about not being in Kansas anymore.

The girls hide in the woods and watch as the men all search for them. Piper grouses about time traveling and Phoebe reminds us that the last time they did, she almost got burned at the stake. Now THAT I (vaguely) remember. Prue thinks that judging by how the witch hunters are dressed, they are in the 16- or 17oos. Not such a good time for witches.

One of the witch hunters finds the girls, but he’s “handsome” in a bad wig, generic Charmed dude way, so he locks eyes with Prue and they make bland faces at each other and he doesn’t rat them out to the other witch hunters. Good Hunter tells everyone that there is nothing to see here and they move on.

Steph: It doesn’t take much for them to latch on on to the first boring dude they come across. The criteria for being an attractive man on Charmed seems to be a) exist b) look at one of the P’s.

Mari: What more do you need when you are ew ew ew ew single?

The girls complain some more about stupid time travel and then they get sacks put over their heads.

Back at the Manor, Leo is honestly still pulling on the door frame. Bless. Daryl asks WTF those frozen pale things even are, but Leo doesn’t know. He only knows that the time portal was opened by TPTB(c) and now it’s closed, dammit. Daryl asks who Leo is again, but Leo thinks it’s too complicated to explain though I think something like “guardian” even if he wanted to leave off the “angel” part would’ve sufficed. But okay. Tinkles are “too complicated.”

Steph: Maybe he doesn’t want to explain because he’s embarrassed by how bad he is at the whole guardian angel thing. 

Mari: Entirely likely.

Leo tries to get Daryl out and they are standing really close to each other as they argue back and forth about whether or not Daryl can help. (S: This shot is so weird and Daryl keeps looking down instead of making eye contact. Does he want to kiss him? What is happening?) Daryl convinces Leo that he’s going to need a cop for detecting the shit out of things. Plus, the girls are like sisters to him. Aw. Sisters do make big messes and destroy things and get you in trouble a lot.

First thing they gotta do is figure out the pale demons and get rid of them. But then they unfreeze so the first thing they really gotta do is run. They run upstairs and Daryl shoots them a few times, though it doesn’t kill them because there is a difference between dead and…. dead.

Grimlock 1 wants to get up and go after the boys but Grimlock 2 thinks they have to find the 3P’s. Grimlock figures Cole got to them, so they need to be ready should the 3P’s come back. Starting with getting rid of the boys.

Cave. The 3P’s are released from their sack prisons, only to find that they’ve been taken by a witch/midwife named Eva. She summoned them, the most powerful good witches of all time, here to help. They need to save a magical baby prophesied to be born on this day. The baby’s mother has been kidnapped by an evil person in the hopes of raising the child evil. If this happens, good magic will not flourish in the “new world.” Prue asks how Eva can bring them here through time but not save the baby herself. Eva explains that, while her coven prepared the way, they were able to travel because it’s All Hallow’s Eve. The 3P’s look way more confused than they should, considering that they were just going on about it being a witches’ day, but Eva explains: it’s a witches’ day. Also, Eva doesn’t really know how to send them back, because she figured the 3P’s would know how to do it.

Prue pulls her sisters aside to pow-wow. The way she figures it, TPTB(c) sent them here, which is what Leo was trying to tell them. She’s also somehow figured out that they’ve got to do this whole thing before midnight because. The sisters ask Eva is she has a plan, and she does. She gives them a potion that will put the witch hunters to sleep. Then then 3P’s will use their powers to bring Baby Momma back to the cave.

We cut to the woods again. The 3P’s are out of their Halloween outfits, but I can’t believe that Phoebe thinks she’s blending in at all with that amount of cleavage. But that’s neither here nor there. Phoebe says that it looks like the townspeoeple are preparing a party. Eva explains that the kidnapper, Ruth Cobb, is holding a making-fun-of-All-Hallow’s-Eve party (hokay), but she’s really trying to tap into dark magic on All Hallow’s Eve. The witch hunters are all out and about, so they have to avoid them too. Good Hunter is there too so that Prue can give him Significant Sexy Eyes. (S: The only way I’ll be able to recognize him is if Prue makes faces at him, so thanks for that.) Eva warns the girls to avoid talismans that are hanging all around the perimeter, but Phoebe says it’s no sweat. She walks forward and the talisman zaps her back. She doesn’t understand why that happened and Eva is like girl. Told you so. Apparently All Hallow’s Eve makes the talisman super zappy.

The zap alerts the witch hunters and they come for the witches. The 3P’s try to use their powers but they don’t have them. I want to say this is a common problem when they are time traveling, but it may just be a common device used to amp up the dramz on this show. I don’t know why I keep trying to remember things. It never works out well.

Eva gets shot during the melee. The girls all run away.

Ruth Cobb is watching from her window. She turns back and tells Baby Momma that Eva tried to save her again, but she’s been wounded. Baby Momma protests, but Ruth Cobb tells her to shush up. That baby is definitely going to be hers because someone has shown up to ensure it.

In the living room, a voice from the shadows asks Ruth how much longer until baby time. She says not long. She asks where this mystery person is even from, since he imbued the talismans with great power. Out from the shadows comes Cole, wearing a ridiculous wig. Please, Cole. For the love of hell. Walk back into the shadows.

Steph: Stunning. I love that he’s in a wig that makes him look like he’s been using ye olde curling iron. 

Mari: Cave. Eva is super disappointed that the 3P’s are powerless frauds. Phoebe thinks that’s a little harsh, but she isn’t the one with a bullet wound. Prue reasons that since they haven’t been born yet, their powers probably don’t exist yet. Some other members of the coven get ready to cauterize Eva’s wound and Piper stops that ASAP. She says they may not have powers, but they have basics. All that’s needed is water, soap and clean cloth. Prue tells Eva not to give up on them yet. They were born witches, which makes them innately magical. All they have to do is tap into it.

In the future, which I guess we know is the future because of a swivel-screen cut, Daryl is walking around with his gun. Leo says it won’t do much, but Daryl says it’s all they got. Leo finds the Grimlocks in the Book of Shadows. They are sensitive to light, steal the sight of children in order to see the aura of good people and then choke them on it. Outside the door, Grimlock 1 is watching through the keyhole while Grimlock 2 complains. Apparently, they can’t afford to get shot again, so they are just waiting until Daryl gets close enough.

He does, so they start choking him with his goodness. They bust in and Leo tinkles away to Daryl’s side and then tinkles downstairs. Leo takes this moment to say “I told you so” to Daryl and also dodge another “who are you?” question. Now they are in the kitchen, though, so they get to work on a Grimlock vanquishing spell.

Ruth Cobb is chilling with some tarot while Baby Momma has contractions. Cole IN A TERRIBLE (S:I think you mean gorgeous.) WIG tries to mop up Baby Momma’s sweat but she tells him not to touch her. He tries to be all soft and gentle with her and she’s like, “yeah. You kidnapped me jerkhole so no.” Something like that. Ruth Cobb sees something in her tarot cards: a force of great good from Cole Terrible Wig’s time. Cole is not surprised. TPTB(c) must’ve gotten wind of his travel plans and sent the 3P’s. Cole Terrible Wig is confident he can handle them, even though he has been unsuccessful in doing so since he got here but okay.

In the Cave, Eva is giving the 3P’s Witch 101, which includes explaining witch hats, the power in apples and laurel leaves and what’s up with scary masks on All Hallow’s Eve. Phoebe asks about brooms and Eva explains that they are used for sweeping evil from the path, but the most important thing in magic is intention. Phoebe feels a little spark from the broom and Eva tells her it’s the power.

That’s all for Witch 101. Eva is sending the 3P’s with some other lady back to Ruth Cobb’s house. Prue says it’ll all be fine.

Cole Hideous Wig is walking around the making-fun-of-All-Hallow’s-Eve party. Ruth Cobb is there too. She was supposed to stay home, but she didn’t. Cole (basically) calls her her an idiot.

The 3P’s walk with Some Other Witch who gives them a bunch of items to help them on there un-kidnapping quest. Confident and armed, the 3P’s put their masks up and head into the making-fun-of-All-Hallow’s-Eve party. Phoebe gets like 5 steps before she’s distracted by someone who can tell her the first letter of her true love’s name with an apple peel. This is not a joke. She didn’t even make it to the house and she’s all la la la. TRUE LOVE, YOU SAY?

Cole MY EYES Wig walks up in a mask to make this even more painful because they keep staring longingly into each other’s eyes and the apple peel says Phoebe’s true love’s name starts with C. She gasps Cole’s name and Cole looks at her in shock.

Steph: This is phenomenally stupid and Cole’s hair isn’t helping me take this scene any more seriously. Also how can she not recognize her true love? He looks like Cole in a wig and mask. 

Mari: Someone bumps into Phoebe and a witchy gourd falls out of her cape. Of course, Ruth Cobb sees this and shouts, “witch!” Prue and Piper run for their sister and get captured as well. They are dragged away as Phoebe gives Cole pleading looks that make no sense, because she doesn’t know it’s Cole? Good Hunter is in the crowd so Prue gives him pleading looks as well, to no avail.

The girls get set-up for hanging. Prue gives Good Hunter more pleading looks. He says, “hang, witch” and spooks the horses they are all sitting on so they hang in their nooses. Cole watches for a second and rides away with the rest of the hunters.

After a not-break, the girls are just hanging there. Good Hunter comes back and cuts them down. Seems he did a little noose-trick so they wouldn’t die. Piper asks how Prue knew she could trust him and Prue says it was the look in his eyes. Her sisters at least go UUUGHH for us. Also, so Prue knew this would happen? Was this part of the plan?

Prue and Good Hunter make googly eyes at each other for a minute as he says that he’s on their side. Prue kisses him and off he goes. Piper wants to know what their plan is now so this wasn’t part of the plan? Why am I asking this? Is there ever really a plan?

Steph: It should come as no surprise that, as usual, I have no idea what is happening. They couldn’t have planned this because they never had a chance to communicate with Good Hunter before now, right? So if they thought they were actually going to be hanged, why did they just swing there like they were really dead after everyone had gone away? Are the P’s so dim that they actually think they’re dead until they realize they’re not? 

Mari: Well…

Manor. Leo is still making a potion and there’s a bad time/thyme joke in here. The door bell rings and Leo and Daryl can’t decide if it’s a trap of trick-or-treaters. Daryl volunteers to go check it out so that Leo can keep making the potion and bring the girls home safely no matter what. Daryl quickly gets rid of the trick-or-treaters, but on the way back runs into the Grimlocks. They start choking him through the eyes, even though that’s what they are supposed to do only to children, but thankfully Daryl fell right by Prue’s camera. It’s got one of those flash release button. It distracts Grimlock 1 long enough for Daryl to run away. Grimlock 2 was just taking a stroll in the background, I guess.

Steph: Grimlock 2 literally just stands there while Daryl runs by him. I shouldn’t be surprised that they’re such crappy demons considering they were wasting time hanging about in the attic while Leo casually makes potions in the kitchen. 

Mari: Out in back of Ruth Cobb’s house, the girls use their Magic 101 to find some conveniently placed lavender and a broom to sweep the evil away.  In front of them, they see that Good Hunter is being apprehended. Prue wants to go for him, but Phoebe says Good Hunter would’ve wanted her to save Baby Momma. Phoebe successfully sweeps the evil away and with the super talismans down, they are able to get inside.

Inside, Baby Momma’s water breaks and also she’s kind of doubtful of the 3P’s. Piper applies some pressure on her back to relieve the labor pains for a second, though, so it’s all good. They grab Baby Momma and run.

Outside, Cole Travesty Wig stabs Good Hunter dead and tells everyone gathered that he knows where those witches are going.

The 3P’s run with Baby Momma. Once they reach the altar where they first landed, Baby Momma can’t go on.

We cut to later. The witch hunter are approaching and the baby is on the way. The witch altar has lavender, sage and apples, so Prue thinks they can put together a protective circle. Piper is voted midwife on account of she has a baby in the future. Phoebe and Prue put together the protective circle just as the witch hunters arrive. It works though and hey! The baby is born! But, wait, the protective circle is not bullet proof and now they are being shot at.

Phoebe’s got an idea. She grabs a witch hat and broom and decides to embrace the cliche:

Steph: Just when you think things can’t get any worse Phoebe brings out her new ability. 

Mari: Her riding around on a broom scares the witch hunters, though her evil laugh could use some work. Cole I’ve No Will to Live Left Wig is like, “wow they are good.” and he leaves.

Cave. Baby is safe and everyone is happy that the future is saved, even though Phoebe is responsible for all those witch cliches she was complaining about earlier. (S: Way to take a potentially interesting idea and execute it in the worst way, show.) The girls are still there, though, and they wonder why TPTB(c) haven’t sent them home yet. Baby Momma promises the 3P’s that her daughter Melinda will know of them. Melinda Warren. The 3P’s are shocked because that’s their ancestor! Phoebe tells us this. I didn’t actually remember or anything. With that, the portal opens up and the girls get sent back home.

Steph: Yeah, I never would have made that Melinda Warren connection. Is that being thrown out there for the first time right now, or was it mentioned before? Can’t tell if sloppy writing, charmednesia, or both. 

Mari: We’ve definitely heard the name Melinda Warren before. Definitely.

The Grimlocks are waiting for the girls. Leo orbs in behind them and has two little vials of potion. He decides to open one, vanquish Grimlock 1 and then open the second one. Of course Grimlock 2 is like NOT TODAY and starts choking Leo through the eyes. His potion falls to the floor and spills. The 3P’s come through the portal and Prue is on it with the cheesy line and telekinesising the spilt potion onto the Grimlock. Piper runs for Leo.

Daryl struggles down the stairs. Leo goes to him and heals his sight. They are standing really close again and Leo wishes a newly healed Daryl a Happy Halloween. And then they kiss. Not really, but for real. They like their faces super close.

Steph: Leo is also looking up at Daryl like he super loves him. And the way he says Happy Halloween is very tender. This is the only pairing on this show I can get behind. 

Mari: P^3. A band is playing and I don’t like it. I had to Google who the heck it is: Snake River Conspiracy. I don’t like it.

Steph: I tend to skip over the performances, but this one was so bizarre I watched the whole thing. It was very confusing and upsetting. 

Mari: Phoebe puts down a Jack-o-latern and declares Halloween her favorite holiday. She also says it’s a shame they don’t know more about their history and stuff, but they’ll learn. They wonder at the Triad trying to wipe out their whole line. Piper thinks the dude hitting on Phoebe in the past had something to do with it because that wig was evil, am I right? Phoebe protest because not everyone who hits on her is trying to kill her har har har. This is interrupted by Good Hunter in the Future. He asks Prue if they’ve met before and they go off to the dance floor.

Cole arrives in an angel costume. (S: It’s worse than the wig.) Phoebe goes after him and tells him that she thought he stood her up. Cole is really awkward and confused as he says he lost track of time. Phoebe comments on his angel costume and he’s like, “nope. Not really an angel.” Phoebe gets in his grill and says she isn’t one either. Seriously, Cole looks so confused.

I feel you, Cole.

 

Next time on Charmed: Someone burgles the manor in S03 E05 – Sight Unseen.