Previously: Bella had a freakout before sex and Edward had one after.
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Annie: Edward is sticking to his guns and refusing to have sex with Bella again as long as she’s human. Which is tricky cuz Bella can’t get enough of the sparkle peen and wants it bad.
Marines: Oh my goodness, you mean we are still denying Bella any fulfillment of her sexual desires with a ring on it? Color me shocked.
Kirsti: Whaaaaaaat?? I NEVER COULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS TURN OF EVENTS.
Annie: Edward decides to keep Bella busy and distracted by over-scheduling her like she’s a bratty 8-year-old on summer break. Edward takes Bella to watch sunsets, to see parrots, and to swim with sea turtles. They go snorkelling and exploring coral reefs and submerged caves and poor Bella is too tired to pressure Edward for sex by the end of the day. Bella even falls asleep in her plate at the table like a toddler one night, because she is so tired. She’s also so hungry. And also so exhausted because even though she’s sleeping like a log, she’s having vivid dreams that make her feel like she’s not getting any sleep at all.
Mari: Okay, I’m going to admit that when I read it (okay, skimmed it…) (okay, looked at it mostly) in the book, I didn’t really catch on to what was going on here. It was actually reading your recap that it dawned on me. Because she’s so hungry and so tired and it’s so a vampire baby. SPOILERS.
Annie: Yet Bella still finds the time to beg, plead and grouch for sex, but none of that seems to be working.
After a week of this, she decides to try some flat-out manipulation compromise. Bella is now sleeping in the blue room, because of their violent sexy times made such a mess of the other room. And for some reason, they are incapable of cleaning up after themselves.
Bella has been wearing some of the lingerie from Alice, but she has only been wearing the ‘innocent’ lingerie. Bella has been choosing the lingerie with more coverage to hide her bruises, because she is worried seeing them will piss Edward off. Even though the bruises are from him, from their first go at sex.
Something else borrowed by EL James. It’s so blatant, I’m having 50 Shades trauma flashbacks.
Anyway. The bruises are fading now, so Bella decides to wear some of the ‘scarier’ pieces of lingerie to help her with her negotiations. She picks out a black lacy outfit that is apparently so risqué, Bella is too embarrassed to look at it. Sexy. Maybe a little too sexy.
Catherine: See, when she said ‘scarier’ I was picturing, like, one of them had an attachable Jason mask or something.
Mari: Maybe “this teddy comes with a hidden pocket for this knife! SCARY.” No?
K: Either of those would be preferable, really.
Annie: She goes back to the bedroom and pirouettes for Edward, and is smug because his eyes pop-open wide when he sees her. Edward recovers quickly, because he is very committed to not having sex until he kills his wife and turns her into an immortal monster. (M: IDK. I don’t think Edward likes sex.)
Edward tells Bella that she looks beautiful, but she’s bothered he’s not all up in her grill. Bella is too tired to keep spinning around sexily, so she climbs into bed and cuddles up to Edward. This isn’t part of her big plans to trick him into having sex with her. She needs to cuddle her ice block every night or it would be too hot to sleep.
As she’s drifting off, Bella tells Edwards that she’ll make him a deal. Edward has zero interest in making a deal, but Bella tries to talk to him about it. Edward says she’s been sleeping so soundly that she doesn’t even talk in her sleep, and Bella thinks that’s weird because normally she tosses and turns and talks in her sleep. Bella tells Edward about how her dreams have been so colourful and vivid and that they seem scarier.
I don’t understand the purpose of this conversation. We get it, Meyer. You’re so good at subtle hints.
Mari: IT’S A BABY.
Annie: Bella doesn’t want to tell Edward about the kid in her nightmare, so she tells him just about the Volturi. He tells her everything is going to be okay as he’s going to be killing her soon and turning her into an immortal monster so the Volturi will be cool.
Bella is still bothered, because for her, this is more about the chid in the dream who is this time definitely not a vampire. And Bella feels the need to protect it at any cost. From the monsters. How strange of her for wanting to protect a child from monsters.
Edward asks Bella if there is anything he can do and she says they’re just dreams, and some of the are even good dreams. Bella blames the island for being so bright? That is not how that works. (C: So bright it gives her… dreams??)
Edward asks Bella if she wants to stay longer on the island. Bella wants to know when the semester starts, because she totes wants to go to college. He doesn’t want to talk any more and hums her lullaby, maybe. Bella isn’t sure because she passes out.
Bella is woken up with shock (IDK. IDK, guys.) later because she’s having another vivid dream. Edward asks Bella if she’s okay and she starts crying. Well, at least my guess is she starts crying. Meyer describes it like this:
“To my utter astonishment, tears overflowed from my eyes without warning, gushing down my face.”
Edward rocks her like a baby, telling her that it was just a bad dream, but Bella tells him it was actually a good dream and she’s crying because she woke up. (M: Wuuuuuh…) (K: Only possible explanation: she’s literally a toddler.)
Edward asks her to tell him about the dream and Bella starts by saying they were on the beach but she can’t tell him any more. Because she has zero levels of maturity and can’t talk about sex with her husband. Who she’s had sex with. Instead she grabs him and locks her “mouth with his feverishly“. So… they’re kissing?
Mari: Either that or she’s holding his mouth hostage with some of that Spanish influenza he’s so fond of?
Annie: They kiss more and Edward is apparently really turned on by her crying. He tries to push her off, and Bella cries.
Edward is emoting with his eyes, because Bella tells us that Edward stares at her with confused, anguished eyes. Bella apologizes and Edward hugs her. We get more back and forth of Bella begging for his sparkle peen and Edward saying he can’t give it to her and I am so fucking sick of this.
Bella finally wins and Edward gives in and has sex with her. And while I thankfully don’t have to recap Meyer’s idea of sex, this is pretty revolting:
“I couldn’t tell if he was moved by the tears trembling in my voice, or if he was unprepared to deal with the suddenness of my attack, or if his need was simply as unbearable in that moment as my own. But whatever the reason, he pulled my lips back to his, surrendering with a groan.”
Sexy.
Also, what a horrible representation of a young woman’s sexuality. Bella isn’t allowed to enjoy sex and she can’t even wear lingerie without being so embarrassed by it that she can’t even look at herself wearing it. She can’t bring herself to talk about sex with her partner in a mature or adult way, and it’s been held over her as a means to control her. Then when she finally ‘gets’ to have sex, it’s dangerous and she’s left with bruises which she feels the need to apologize for. Bella likes sex, but is ‘too fragile’ for it, and then she has to beg, plead and hatch plans to try to trick her husband into having sex with her. He refuses all her advances until she wakes up crying from a dream, and then to console her, Edward ‘surrenders’ and gives her sex.
Super sex-posi. Awesome messages.
Catherine: Yeah, the entire representation of losing your virginity/marital sex is horrifying in this book. I genuinely remember being freaked out by it when I was reading this at 17. Meyer took her platform of having the biggest YA novel of the year and having a reason to show a healthy sexual relationship in it and completely pissed all over it. It’s almost like she did the worst possible job she could. Just, like, in general.
Mari: It’s also kind of gross that Bella has basically communicated her desire to Edward in every possible way and yet he only pays attention to her when he’s literally brought her to the point of tears. Also, I just want to be like BELLA. EDWARD: oral sex, fingers, toys, dry humping, dear god, try some things.
K: This book can basically be summed up as that gif from Mean Girls:
Annie: The next morning, Bella wakes up and is scared that Edward is going to be mad at her for having sex with him. She ‘peeks through her eyelashes‘ and is relieved that Edward isn’t mad, but apologizes anyway. They joke a bit about whether or not Bella is forgiven. LULZ. They’re so funny.
Bella goes to get up, because she wants to see how many bruises their sexy times left her with this time, but she gets light headed. And is sleeping a lot. Have we mentioned that she’s sleeping, like, A LOT? Because she is.
Mari:
Annie: I can’t unsee that gif.
Bella seems to have gotten through this round of sexy times without any injuries, so gold star to them. The pillows are fine, too, but her embarrassing lingerie is toast and Edward used the headboard as a scratching post during the sex. (K: Whereas I interpreted it as him having bitten chunks out of the headboard, mostly because it’s a funnier mental image.)
They talk about how guilty Bella feels for having sex, still without actually using the word sex. Edward congratulates himself on having not bruised or killed her during the sex and I am so over this.
This is stupid, infuriating and basically just page filler. Can we please move on?
Bella cooks herself breakfast and Edward shames her for eating so many eggs. Bella thinks it’s weird. Because she’s eating. And sleeping. And dreaming. And getting dizzy.
Catherine: God, is this agonizing. It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion.
Annie: Bella starts taking about how they should probably go home soon and find an apartment, because they need to start getting ready for Dartmouth.
Edward tells her to cut the crap about going to uni, because she didn’t actually want that, she was just using that to manipulate Edward into having sex with her. Bella admit she’s come around about going to uni, at least for just a year, and maybe being human a little while longer isn’t the worst thing in the world. Because sex.
Bella wants more sex, but those pesky Brazilian house cleaners show up to clean up after their wedding night. Edward wants to take Bella out so the housekeepers can get the work done without them in the way, but Bella wants to stay in and watch a DVD.
Edward goes to meet the housekeepers, and because Meyer is racist, she has to have Bella observe how much different they are from Edward; darker, generally less perfect for not being white, with wrinkles and harsh voices. The damn coffee-skinned woman wouldn’t even smile at Bella!
Catherine: Maybe she won’t smile at you because she can tell you’re thinking rude shit about her, Bella?
Mari: Maybe she’s wondering who the hell destroys a ton of pillows and why it is her lot in life to clean up after them. Maybe she’s standing there watching your disco ball husband sparkle and she’s freaked out because his eyes are the color of movie theater butter and she doesn’t like it.
K: Maybe she just has resting bitch face. SOME OF US DO, BELLA.
Annie: In fact, the housekeeper was shocked, worried and scared of Bella, or at least that’s what Bella tells us through cheatery narration.
Bella asks Edward about the woman’s reaction and he tells her that the woman is part Ticuna Indian, so she was raised to be more superstitious because of fucking course. I really fucking hate Meyer and her racist portrayals. Just keep reinforcing those stereotypes and bigotries, you harpy.
Edward tells Bella that she suspects Edward is a predator and Bella is probably his prey. It’s funny because it’s true.
Edward starts kissing Bella’s throat and Kauve, the housekeeper, appears and gasps in horror at them. Bella tells us that even though she doesn’t speak Portuguese, she can tell that Kauve apologizes to them and goes back to cleaning up their sex den.
They put on a DVD and pretend to watch it, and joke about how destructive their sex is, while Gustavo and Kauve (names, because I don’t want to keep referring to them as ‘the housekeepers’) clean up after them. Bella is impatient they’re taking so long, because she wants more sparkle peen, but now she’s also starting to get sleepy. BECAUSE SHE’S SLEEPY ALL THE TIME NOW GUYS, IN CASE YOU’VE FORGOTTEN.
Mari:
Annie: Gustavo comes in to tell them they’ve finished, and Bella is torn because she wants more vampire D, but she’s also pretty hungry. She eats until she’s full and and Edward suggests they go swimming with the dolphins to burn off all the extra calories Bella’s just consumed.
I suggest Edward go fuck himself, because one second he’s policing Bella for not eating enough, then because she’s eating too much.
Catherine: lol If only she had gotten a cramp and drowned.
Mari: Gotta wait them 30 minutes, Edward, god you are going to kill her.
Annie: Bella tells him that she’d rather have lots of sex instead, so he vampire-runs her to the blue room for more sexy times.
And this chapter is finally over. Thank jeebus.
Next time on Breaking Dawn: Something about a baby in Chapter 07.
Fuchsia-haired, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, Raptors fan, sometimes blogger, music & social media geek, freelancer, human being. She/her.
I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
