Breaking Dawn Chapter 14 – New pants saga

Previously: Wolf vs wolf boring showdown.
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Annie: Jacob returns to the Cullens’ house to find Edward has left out a set of clothes for him. He takes the clothes that reek of vampire back to the forest to make sure Edward hasn’t played a trick on him or given him ladies clothes or something. Because cross dressing is both HILARIOUS and something to be embarrassed and ashamed about. Haha, lol. (M: good pranks dudebro. V funny.)

Jacob shifts into human form and checks out the clothes that are probably Emmett’s. Jacob is thankful for the clothes, because he can’t really go home and get pants now that he’s homeless. So far, he’s not too bothered by being homeless, but he figures it might get annoying at some point.

Yeah, okay, Meyer. Homelessness isn’t so bad, except for when it gets annoying cuz you can’t just go home and get a change of clothes.

Kirsti: Words cannot describe how much I HATE HATE HAAAAAAAAAATE the fact that we now have Indigenous characters who are, to all intents and purposes, homeless and who are now completely reliant on the perfect white vampires for food and shelter and clothing. As if colonial history didn’t already contain enough of that bullshit. 

Catherine: Also, holy shit the length of the ‘Jacob needs new pants saga’. There’s an entire story arc to it. This whole book is just Jacob getting new pants.  

Annie: Jake wonders if he should knock before going inside the Cullens, when all the vampires already know that he’s there. He decides to let himself in. The room is back to normal, which doesn’t sound at all normal to me, but okay.

Carlisle and Esme are talking by an open window. Emmett, Jasper and Alice are murmuring upstairs, and there is a ‘chick flick’ on the tv. Burrito Bella is on the couch, hooked up to an IV, Edward sitting near her feet, with Rosalie sitting on the floor. Yep, all sounds perfectly normal.

Bella doesn’t hear Jacob come in, but she looks up when Edward smiles at Jake. Bella smiles, ‘with her whole face lighting up‘ to see Jacob. Jake is angry, wondering what is wrong with Bella for smiling at him like she’s happy to see him when she’s happily married to someone else.

How dare she. Doesn’t Bella know married women are only allowed to smile at their husbands?

Marines: Imagine being happily married and still wanting other, I don’t know, friends and acquaintances and finding happiness in a multitude of things! I mean, just kidding, don’t even imagine it. It might break your brain to try.

K: What a fucking weird idea, Mari. Don’t you know that once you have a significant other, you abandon everyone you’ve ever met so you can spend every second with them???

Annie: And she’s hugely, fatly pregnant, too. She should stop being so selfishly huge, pregnant, happily married and also smiling and glad to see her ‘best friend’ (I use quotes, because how can you call someone who’s manipulated you and sexually assaulted you your ‘best friend’?). Bella should make life easier for Jacob by not caring for him and not wanting to have him around. Because Jacob’s feelings are 100% Bella’s fault and responsibility.

Edward is also not too happy about all of this adulterous smiling Bella is flashing at Jacob, either. Bella is such a smile slut. God. (M: It’s probably why she’s pregnant and dying. That’s what happens.) (C: If you smile, you’ll get pregnant and die. 100%)

Jacob tells Edward there was no threat of an attack, Sam’s wolfpack just wanted to talk. Edward explains that he heard most of their conversation, because Jacob is more familiar to him now and that he’s much easier to understand in human form. Bella wants Jacob to get some rest, and realizes he’s about to pass out. Jacob is amazed by how much stronger Bella seems and then he spots her cup o’blood.

Nope, nope. nope. I am never gonna be okay with that grossness.

Jacob wonders how much blood they’ll need and where they will source it from. Jacob goes to leave, and Rosalie calls him a mutt and he fires back a blonde joke. LOL, so funny.

Jacob heads back to the trees because he wants pure, vampire-stench-free air to breathe.  There is way too much detail about what he’s going to do with his smelly vampire clothes, so I’ll give the highlights: he’s going to leave them in the forest near by so he doesn’t have to tie them to his leg. (C: THRILLING.) 

Jacob is using his super wolfpack hearing to listen to Bella and Edward. Bella is asking Edward to let Jake sleep, but Edward tells her that he just has to say one thing to him. Jacob asks Edward what’s up now and Edward explains that he has been relating the wolf pack’s conversations to the Cullens and they were concerned about the stress the misfit wolfpack was being put under and that Esme was particularly upset about their homelessness.

Catherine: Esme just learned about homeless people and how they can’t change clothes.

Annie: Edward tells Jake that he knows Leah doesn’t like eating in wolf form and that the Cullens keep human food in the house. Leah and any of the other wolf misfits are welcome to anything they’d like. Edward asks Jacob to pass that message along to Leah, because it might be better coming from Jacob, as she hates the vampires. Edward also offers clothes to them, as well as use of their shower facilities. Edward tells Jake they shouldn’t consider themselves without the benefit of a home.

Jacob tells Edward that’s nice of him and to thank Esme, but they like to bathe in the river. Edward asks Jacob to pass on the offer of hospitality anyway and Jake agrees.

K: If I could rip this page out of the book and not have to pay work for a new copy, I totally would. That’s how much it disgusts me.

Annie: Jake turns back towards the trees, but stops when he hears a pained cry from inside the house. Edward vamp-runs inside the house and Jacob follows. (M: How many times has Jake’s nap been interrupted now wtf.) Inside the house, Bella is hunched over in pain, because the vampire-baby has broken one of her ribs. Bella says she’s fine, but Carlisle wants to do an x-ray to be sure there aren’t any bone splinters. Rosalie scoops Bella up like the sack of flour she is and snaps at Edward when he tries to say anything about it. Rosalie carries Bella upstairs to be x-rayed.

…Can pregnant women be x-rayed? Like, every time I’ve been x-rayed, which is a lot because I’m a klutz, they always put that huge lead pad over my pelvis and then ask me if there’s any chance I could be pregnant.  So I’m feeling x-rays aren’t really safe? For your reproductive system? Or fetuses? I’m not a doctor, and we all know that Meyer doesn’t research. But the x-ray thing bugged me. I could Google it, but that smacks of effort and we’re only just getting started in to this chapter.

Mari: You are the main recapper, which is tough, so I looked it up for you. It seems like it’s safe, though thinking in the past was to avoid them. So it makes sense that you thought it wouldn’t be safe. It also makes sense to assume that anything Meyer tells you is a lie. 

Annie: At least I’m as good at research as Meyer is! As in, I don’t even attempt it.

K: Meanwhile, my post-it of the page says “The is the most FUBAR thing I’ve ever read holy shit.” I stand by Past!Kirsti’s assessment of everything that’s happening right now. 

Mari: Yeah, we kind of got sidetracked by the x-ray thing, as if our brains went NOOOOPE right past the vampire baby breaking Bella’s ribs and everyone going, “huh. Maybe an x-ray?”

Annie: Anyway.

Jacob collapses in the doorway, super exhausted, finally getting his nap!

Or not. Alice brings Jake a pillow. She points out that he doesn’t look comfortable laying there on the floor, but Jake tells her that he is too tired to move. He asks Alice why she isn’t up with the rest of the Cullens. She tells him that she has a headache. Jake asks if vampires can get headaches and she explains that normal ones don’t. Jacob asks Alice why she’s never with Bella any more and Alice tells Jake that the vampire fetus is giving her a headache.

You and me both, Alice.

Alice tells Jacob that she can’t ‘see’ the baby with her super vamp powers, kind of like how she can’t see Jacob. Alice explains that Bella gets in the way of the fetus and that Bella’s blurry. Alice tells Jake that when Bella decided she wanted the baby, she disappeared from Alice’s visions. Alice tells Jake she appreciates having him around, because he blocks the headaches and visions, even if he did smell like a wet dog. (K: Because telling brown people they smell was just what this chapter needed. -_-)

Jacob says he’s happy to help and Alice wonders why the fetus is like Jacob with its vision-blocking properties. Jacob is pissed to be compared to the hell-spawn. Alice asks if it’s okay for her to stay there and Jake says she can stay, if she’ll keep it down. Jake goes to sleep.

Jacob dreams that he’s thirsty and there’s a big glass in front of him. He goes to take a sip and it’s bleach, not water. (M: There’s my brain bleach…) He wakes up and Rosalie complains that he’s been snoring.

Jacob takes in the room around him. Bella is back and they’ve taken her IV out. Edward is sitting holding Bella’s hand, and Alice is part of the group now. Seth has arrived and is hanging out with his new vamp BFFs.  He is sitting with his arm around Bella and a plate of food in his lap. Seth explains he came to check on Jake, and Esme asked him to stay for breakfast. Jacob is pissed that Seth is touching Bella. Edward explains that Bella was cold. Jake reminds himself that it’s none of his business; that Bella doesn’t belong to him. She’s Edward’s property now. Seth picks up on the pissing contest and takes his arm off of Bella.

K: “She didn’t belong to me” is an actual quote. Because women are property, and not human beings with their own thoughts and desires and agency. Cool. 

Annie: Jacob asks for an update on the wolves. Leah is on patrol. Jacob realizes he’s been sleeping for nearly a day and apologizes. Seth tell him that he really didn’t miss a thing. Jake isn’t so sure as he looks over at Bella to see that she looks a lot better. He asks about her rib and she tells him it’s taped up and doesn’t hurt. He asks her what she had for breakfast, O negative or AB positive and she tells him she had an omelette. Jake notices her blood cup and I vomit forever. (C: Just the term ‘blood cup’ makes it sound like Bella is drinking out of a menstrual cup.) (K: OH MY GOD NO WHY STOP.)

Seth tells Jacob to get something to eat, but Jake asks about Leah’s breakfast. Seth tells Jacob that he took food out to Leah before he ate, but she wasn’t interested. Jacob says he’ll go hunt with Leah.

As he goes to leave, Carlisle asks to speak with him. Carlisle wants to talk to him about the logistics of hunting. Carlisle asks if Sam will be hunting for them outside of the perimeter that Jake setup because Carlisle doesn’t want to risk harming any of the wolf family. Jake tells Carlisle that while Sam has calmed down some, he probably considers the treaty void. Jake explains that if Sam thinks that a human or tribe member is at risk, they’ll kill first, ask questions later. But there isn’t enough of the wolves now so they will probably keep close to home. Jacob tells them to hunt in a pack and go during the day, as the wolves won’t be expecting that.

Carlisle says they can’t leave Bella unprotected, and Jake is all ‘we can protect her’. Carlisle says Jake can’t fight his brothers and that he doesn’t want that on Jake’s conscious. Jacob tells Carlisle that he can take it, but Carlisle insists that the vampires will hunt in groups of 3. The vampires argue a bit about the logistics of hunting, especially with Edward not wanting to leave Bella’s side. They settle things and Jake goes to leave again. Seth says he’ll phase into a wolf as long as Bella doesn’t need him. Jake snaps that Bella has blankets.

Catherine: This jealousy of Jacob’s over Seth was an excellent addition. Really adds to the story. And by ‘adds’ I mean ‘makes it longer’ which is what I think Meyer was mostly going for. 

K: And people accuse Dickens of padding his stories… At least Dickens has tangents and subplots that are worth reading. 

Annie: Esme brings Jacob a big dish of food and tells him that while she knows Jake finds it unappetizing to eat in the vampire house with the stinky vampire smells, she’d feel better if he took some food with him. Esme puts on a mom face so Jake agrees to take it and even share some with Leah, even though he plans to dump the food somewhere like an ungrateful asshole. Jake tells Edward not to tell Esme his plan to dump the breakfast Esme has prepared for him, and whines about how spending time with vampires makes you used to them.

Bella asks Jake if he’ll be back later, and he tells her that he doesn’t know. Bella tells him that she might get cold later, because everyone is manipulating everyone else now. Jacob takes a deep breath through his nose and whines that’s a mistake because of all the vampire stench. He tells Bella that he may be back.

Esme brings him a bundle of clothes. She tells Jake that they are freshly washed and that she was careful to touch them as little as possible. Esme asks him to take them to Leah. Jake agrees and then gets out of there because he’s tired of people doing things for him and being nice and making him feel guilty.

I hate Jacob more and more and more with each passing chapter from his perspective. Please make this end soon.

Mari: Nah, actually we just keep prolonging it. We’ll probably be done with Jacob chapters in the year 2020. See ya then. 

Next time on Breaking Dawn: We learn how vampire babies are born in Chapter 15.