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Game of Thrones S07 E05 – Poor planning.

Previously: Reunited and it feels so good.
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Eastwatch

Marines: I’m so scared because so many good things happened last episode. WHO IS GOING TO DIE? SOMEONE’S GOTTA DIE.

Catherine: Literally my first thought going in to this episode, too. THIS SHOW HAS WRONGED US.

Democracy Diva: I go into every episode preparing to have my heart ripped out of my chest. Take it away, show!

Mari: Previously: The Hound saw a movie in the fire, Ginger Not!Mance and his band of merry Free Folk went to Eastwatch by the sea (past!Jon earned the title star, I’m ignoring it), three Starks at Winterfell, Brienne and Arya fought in a round of fan service, Randyll and Dickon fought for Jaime because of xenophobia, Jon told Dany not to use her dragons to melt castles so Dany used her dragons to melt people.

Credits we only get to enjoy two more times before waiting another goddamn year: King’s Landing, Dragonstone, Winterfell, The Wall, Eastwatch (the credits also get a title star I’m ignoring), and finally Oldtown.

We get an easy answer to how thick Jaime and Bronn’s plot armor is when Bronn pulls Jaime out of the water on the opposite shore of whatever super confusing and convenient body of water they are around. Jaime struggles for breath. Bronn rolls over to Jaime and asks what the fuck he though he was doing charging at the lady with the dragon. Jaime thought he was going to end the war by killing Dany. Bronn is like, “…and the dragon????” Jaime has no answer so Bronn clarifies that until he gets what he’s owed, dragons don’t get to kill Jaime and Jaime doesn’t get to kill Jaime (’cause that was either sacrificial or suicidal). Only he gets to kill Jaime.

Diva: So we’re supposed to assume a) there a huge dropoff immediately off the shore that made Jamie almost drown even though he was next to two feet of water, b) Bronn was able to drag the weight of man and armor and golden hand for many yards – enough to c) be far enough away from Dany that she somehow didn’t notice their escape even though they were RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. Fuck you, show. I get that you’re trying to move in hyperspeed now, but all of your battles are leaving us with about fifty too many plot holes as a result.

Mari: Jaime sits up and looks across the water at the destruction. He muses that this was only one dragon. Imagine two more. Bronn says Jaime is fucked if Dany decides to really use her dragons. (C: Was this… not that?) (M: Not use them. Really use them.) He doesn’t count himself in the path of projected destruction because he’ll be far from King’s Landing at that point. Jaime says he has to tell Cersei about the dragons, and Bronn tells him he might as well jump back into the river. And my favorite thing marches on: people telling Jaime how stupid he is for believing in Cersei at all.

Tyrion walks the now eerily quiet battle scene, looking at the charbroiled men and the Dothraki going through the spoils. A funeral procession version of the Rains of Castamere plays. We join the survivors as they are brought before Dany, flanked by a totally not dead Drogon, which is great. Someone assure me that Qyburn wasn’t smart enough for poison, even though he could’ve learned the trick from Oberyn…

Drogon roars a bunch to set the stage for Dany. She walks out and gives a victor’s speech: she knows what Cersei has told them about her, that she’s here to murder them and destroy everything, but that’s Cersei Lannister, not her. The only thing she is here to destroy is the wheel that rolls over them all and only benefits the Cersei Lannisters of the world. She gives them all a choice. If you yelled, “bend the knee!” before she did, cheers. The other choice is to refuse and die. So it’s like not much of a choice, but okay.

Catherine: I mean, I get why she couldn’t just let anyone go, but still. That’s not how choices work, Dany.

Diva: I still maintain that the wheel metaphor doesn’t actually make sense and is dumb, and I hate that the show keeps coming back to it. There were like, a couple of years in Westerosi history where power kept switching between the major houses, and that was all on this show. Before that it was just Targaryen rule for 300 years. Which Westeros ended partially because Dany’s dad was batshit. I’m just so over the fact that Dany wants all of the privilege that comes with her name without any of the responsibility for the horrors carried out in that name – by her ancestors, and by her.

Mari: Amen. Apparently she thinks she can just stand here and say, “I’m going going to murder you!” and then also, “but I will murder you if you don’t do what I say lol.”

Some men kneel, but not many. Drogon is like, “oh yeah?” And he roars at them all, dropping the majority of the knees. Randyll and Dickon Tarly are amongst those still standing. Dany calls Randyll forward asks if he won’t bend the knee. He calmly says he already has a queen. Tyrion speaks up saying that Cersei wasn’t his queen until she murdered the rightful queen and erased House Tyrell. It seems that Tarly allegiances are rather flexible. Randyll says there are no easy choices in war. Tyrion can say what he wants about Cersei, but at least she was born in Westeros and has lived there all her life (we told you– xenophobia…). Tyrion on the other hand murdered his father and chose to support a foreign invader with no ties to the land and an army of savages at her back.

Dany doesn’t even reply to him, though I’m sure she could’ve been like, “bitch, I was born here,” a line I’ve often used out of frustration in the face of racists and xenophobes. Instead she tells him that she respects his decision to not trade his honor for his life. The “you gon’ die though” is implied. Despite having been insulted by this man, Tyrion speaks up for him and tells Dany to send him to the Wall to take the black. He could still be useful there. Randyll wants to die though, apparently, and says that Dany can’t send him there because she isn’t his queen. Dany gives the signal to three Dothraki and Tyrion has to walk away. Dickon steps forward to also be executed. Tyrion tells him to bend the fucking knee because this war has already wiped out one (at least one) great house and that is enough. Randyll nods for Dickon to kneel but he will not. Despite everything, Randyll looks proud. Tyrion tries to tell Dany to just throw Dickon in prison, but Dany will not put people in chains. She’d rather burn them alive. #morals

Drogon stands up as Randyll grabs his son by the arm. Daenarys proclaims the death sentence and calmly tells Drogon to dracarys. The blast of his fire at such a short distance is such that it almost instantly turns them to ash and blows the ash away, so that we can see their top halves coming undone. The remaining survivors bend that knee so hard. I think they are all wishing they had more knees to bend. Dany walks away and the last shot is a pile of smoldering ashes and Tyrion looking real conflicted in the background. Somewhere, Samwell became the last Tarly man, unable to technically inherit Horn Hill because of taking the black. Jon’s King in the North, though, so anything is possible.

Catherine: If getting blasted by dragon fire is Randyll Tarly’s idea of being a good son, fuck that. I would’ve run away too. Also, at this point, who is really gonna hold anyone to their Night’s Watch vows?

Diva: He’s already living in sin with Gilly and he stole his father’s sword, so, I’m gonna say those vows are not Sam’s top priority at the moment. Nor anyone else’s at the Wall, what with the ice zombies and everything. But I like the fact that Jon could release Sam from his vows, even though we need to focus on the zombie apocalypse and not who’s going to rule Horn Hill.

Mari: Jaime returns to the Red Keep and it looks like Cersei has already heard the news and is waiting for his report. Qyburn has just left her room, which is probably where she got the news from. Cersei momentarily asks after the dead, but isn’t that concerned because they have the Tyrell gold now and they can buy mercenaries. Jaime gives a great disbelieving headshake. He just saw the Dothraki in battle and they will beat mercenaries and any army Jaime’s ever seen. Plus, Dany’s dragon destroyed 1000 wagons and she has three of them. Jaime tells her this isn’t a war they can win. She asks what they are supposed to do, then? Sue for peace? The woman who sits on her father’s throne and the man who killed her father? What kind of deal would Dany make them?

Cersei (almost sarcastically) says that maybe Tyrion can speak on their behalf to make up for killing their father and their son. Jaime says he didn’t. At least he didn’t kill Joffrey. Jaime tells Cersei about Olenna’s confession and asks Cersei to consider who Olenna would’ve wanted Margaery to marry: Joffrey or Tommen. That’s all it really takes to convince Cersei that Olenna would’ve definitely killed Joffrey. (D: Lena Headey continues to slay every scene. Watch the way her face falls when she realizes that Jaime is telling the truth. It’s incredible.) Cersei regrets listening to Jaime and giving Olenna an easy death. Jaime doesn’t have time for that because the point is that House Tyrell is gone and House Lannister will soon follow if they don’t have a way out of the war. Cersei says between fighting and dying and submitting and dying, she knows her choice. A soldier should know his. Jaime’s face is disbelieving and we watch him as the sounds of dragons screeching take us from there to Dragonstone.

It’s a little on the nose, but yeah, Jaime is a soldier and that’s why he saw the damn dragon with his own eyes so forgive him for trying to not die by dragon fire. It’s a lot like Jon trying to get people to take the Whitewalkers seriously.

Jon stands on a cliff and watches as Dany flies back in with Drogon. They land near him and Drogon spots Jon and gets real damn close to his face. Dany watches as Jon takes off his glover and very carefully reaches out to pet Drogon, who lets himself be touched. BECAUSE THAT DRAGON BLOOD Y’ALL. This goes on for a while, obviously, because it’s what the people want.

Catherine: I think we predicted this would happen when Jon met one of the dragons. Go us!

Diva: I would like to note that the camera focuses on Drogon’s eye blinking for a long enough time that it feels important. You know when else the camera focuses on blinking for a long time? WHEN PEOPLE WARG. SOMEONE GONNA WARG INTO DROGON, Y’ALL. 

Mari: Surprise warg?

Dany dismounts and Drogon takes off to join his brothers. Dany asks Jon if her dragons aren’t beautiful and Jon hilariously says that isn’t the word he was thinking of. Dany gives him a glare so he finishes with, “totally beautiful. Gorgeous beasts.” That’s wrong too, though, because they aren’t beasts to Dany. They are her bbs.

Diva: Reminds me of how Cersei used to talk about Joffrey.

Mari: Jon turns talk to the battle and how very short it was. Dany says that today she has fewer enemies than she had yesterday. Jon doesn’t answer, but she can see that he’s conflicted about that. She asks how many men died when he was taking Winterfell back from the Boltons. They both want to help people, but they can only do so from a position of strength and sometimes strength is terrible. And sometimes Jon’s winter Ikea coat is very distracting.

Dany says that when Jon first got here, Ser Davos said he took a knife in the heart for his people. Jon gives a tight smile and says that Davos gets carried away. Dany doesn’t drop it, though, and asks if that was a figure a speech. Jon is saved from having to answer by the approach of Dothraki guards. They have someone who claims to be the queen’s friend. When the lead guard steps aside, we see that it’s Ser Jorah. He does Dany’s favorite thing in the world and bends the knee. She’s is so happy to see him and even acts it reasonably well. Dany introduces Jon to Jorah, and of course Jon recognizes the family name and tells Jorah his father was a great man. Jorah pretty much ignores that and says that he wants to be let back into the queen’s service now that he’s found a cure. Dany says it would be her honor and hugs him. Jorah and Jon exchange a look whose meaning isn’t very clear, but I won’t blame you for thinking Jorah is sizing up his new competition.

Catherine: He so is. Can you imagine going up against Jon BroodyLips Tightbutt SexyScars Snow for a ladies heart?

Diva: Poor Jorah. Jon has his queen’s eye, and is even holding the sword that was meant for Jorah before he exiled himself for being a douchebag. #longclawfeels

Mari: Wow, now I have those too, thanks for pointing it out. #longclawfeels

Winterfell. Bran wargs-out and uses a raven to fly north of the wall and scope out the position of the army of the dead. When he de-wargs, Maester Wolkan is waiting for him. Bran tells him that they needs to send ravens.

Oldtown. They’ve received one of the ravens from Winterfell, and the maesters are dubious. Archmaester Ebrose remembers Wolkan as someone with a sharp mind, but another maester jokes about how the north can dull the wits. Samwell enters carrying a bunch of scrolls, and he overhears as the archmaester talks about the cripple boy claiming to have seen dead men marching beyond the Wall thanks to the magical help of a raven with three eyes. Sam speaks up, as he was the one who led Brandon Stark north of the wall. A cripple boy surviving all that time beyond the Wall? Maybe they should listen to what he has to say. Sam proposes that they write to all the maesters and tell them to search all their scrolls for mentions of The Long Night to see if they can find anything that would let them defeat the Army of the Dead for good. Ebrose says it could be done and this news could be authentic, but it also could be a plot by the Dragon Queen to lead southern armies away from the cities they are defending. Obviously, everyone thinks that’s more likely than “magic birds talking to cripples.” Sam looks like he wants to cry and punch everyone there at the same time.

Sam begs them to listen because this is real. He’s seen it. All Ebrose will concede is writing to Wolkan and asking for clarification. Ebrose dismisses Sam and he storms out. One of the maesters asks if that isn’t the boy whose father and brother were just burned alive. Ebrose confirms but hasn’t had the heart to tell Sam yet. And with that, they keep talking about other business.

Diva: Was I the only one who took it as a win that Ebrose at least wants to gather more information about it? He didn’t actually dismiss it out of hand. Not completely. I know we don’t have time for bullshit right now, but if everyone can travel everywhere via teleport, I bet Ebrose can get some clarification pretty quickly and maybe be of some use. I’m just saying, I think Sam’s being a little dramatic and Ebrose is being more helpful than might meet the eye.

Mari: I’d be a little dramatic too if I spent lots of time cleaning poop and this was a reminder that danger has kept getting nearer.

Dragonstone. Tyrion is drinking in the throne room with Varys, and he’s repeating an argument in a way that makes it seem like he’s trying to convince himself: Dany gave those men a choice and they decided to die. What else could he do? Varys offers, “not burn them alive?” Tyrion says he is Dany’s Hand, not her head. He can’t make her decisions for her. Varys says that’s what he used to tell himself about the Mad King. He found the traitors, but he didn’t kill them. He repeated this to himself as those traitors were tortured and killed. Tyrion takes this in, but says that Dany is not her father. Varys thinks she never will be, with the right council. Tyrion has to find a way to make her listen. Tyrion now asks about the scroll Varys is fiddling with. Varys says it’s for Jon Snow. Tyrion asks if he’s read it and Varys says it’s a sealed scroll for the King in the North. Tyrion takes a long sip of wine and then asks what it says. Varys, not missing a beat, says it’s nothing good.

Diva: Varys looks completely shook throughout this entire scene. Fidgeting, drinking – I don’t know if it’s Melisandre’s prophecy or Dany’s poor decision-making, but he is decidedly not okay.

Mari: Cut to Jon reading his scroll. He’s in shock:

Dany says she’s happy for him, but he doesn’t look happy. Jon’s Brood can’t be turned off just at the news that his siblings are alive because that scroll also contained news that the Army of the Dead are marching on Eastwatch. He has to go home, regardless of whether or not he has enough men to fight the dead. Dany can’t go with him because it’ll let Cersei gain control. Tyrion says perhaps not. Cersei doesn’t believe in the army of the dead, but she’ll have to if she sees them– Tyrion suggests bringing a soldier to her. Jon remembers that the first time he saw a wight, it was brought into Castle Black from beyond the Wall. Varys says anything they bring back will be useless if Cersei doesn’t grant them an audience. Tyrion knows that Cersei only listens to Jaime (kind of outdated intel if you ask me…) and Jaime might listen to him. Dany asks how he’ll get to King’s Landing and both Tyrion and Jon turn to Ser Davos. It’s unexpectedly funny. Davos takes a deep breath and says he’ll smuggle Tyrion in, but if Goldcloaks recognize Tyrion, he isn’t a fighter. Varys now asks how they are going to get a wight. Jorah volunteers to go and get one. He found a cure in order to be able to keep serving the Queen, and this is how he can serve. Jon says the Free Folk will help and they know the North better than anyone. Davos knows the Free Folk won’t follow Jorah, but they won’t have to. Davos tells Jon that he cannot lead a raid North of the Wall. He isn’t in the Night’s Watch anymore; he’s King in the North. Jon reminds them all that he’s the only one who has fought the wights. The last objection is Dany’s as she hasn’t given Jon permission to leave. He tells her, respectfully, that he doesn’t need her permission. He’s a king. He came here knowing that he could’ve been killed because he thought it was the best chance for the survival of his people. He put his trust in her, a stranger. And now he is asking her to return the favor and trust him, a stranger. He nods his approval.

Diva: It should be noted that you can see Dany internally creaming her pants over Jon’s kingly self-sacrifice, brooding face, and gorgeous hair. We are officially in lovey-dovey-eyes-adjacent territory. Also, Jon gives us the “we’ll fight with the army we have” line again, which is exactly what he said before the Battle of the Bastards. How’d that mantra out for you last time, Jon, until a southern army came and saved your ass?

Mari: The answer is badly.

I’m not sold on this plan of dropping a dead soldier on Cersei’s doorstep and thinking she’ll be logical or reasonable about it. Maybe that’s because we know Cersei better than anyone at that table, at this point, just because they haven’t seen her recent evolution. I’m sure that they could prove to her that they dead are real, but I’m not so convinced she wouldn’t meet the knowledge with, “…so? Let them eat everyone!” Also, this plan was so hastily put together (I’m sure nothing will go wrong), and it highlights how almost ridiculous the sped up timeline of this season is. If it weren’t such a damn romp, I’d be way more angry.

Catherine: I hate this plan. It’s basically a suicide mission. How are they intending to separate one white walker from the army? How are they gonna bring it back and get it all the way down to King’s Landing still alive or mostly dead or whatever? How any of this? HOW?

Diva: Everything about this plan sucks.

Mari: Winterfell. Arya walks into a Townhall. (D: Like when we yell at Republicans about healthcare, but without electricity.) Lord Glover addresses Sansa and tells her that they didn’t choose her to lead them, but perhaps they should’ve. Royce stands and says that the Knights of the Vale came here for her. Sansa considers them for a bit and then tells them that while they are kind, Jon is their king and he is doing what he thinks is best. Arya and Sansa stare at each other and it isn’t friendly.

Later, they walk together through the halls of Winterfell. Sansa is telling Arya that she warned Jon that this would happen. He couldn’t just leave the North and expect for it to sit and wait for him like Ghost. (Ghost!) Arya says he didn’t do that. He trusted Sansa to hold it for him. Sansa says he isn’t making it easy because the Northern Lords are proud.

They arrive at Sansa’s chambers and Arya is shocked to see that she’s staying in their mother and father’s chambers. “And?” Sansa says dryly. Arya says it’s nothing, but Sansa tells her to out with what she means.

Deep breath.

Arya tells her that she always liked nice things. They made her feel better than everyone. Sansa asks now if Arya is angry with her. Arya stood there and watched as those men insulted Jon and Sansa did nothing. Sansa says it’s her duty as Lady of Winterfell to listen to their complaints. Arya interprets that to mean that their opinions matter to her. What matters is that Glover has 500 men and Royce has 2000. If they leave, Jon loses his army. Arya: Not if they lose their heads first. Sansa says that Winterfell didn’t just fall into their hands. They took it back with the Mormonts and the Vale and the Wildlings. You don’t get people to work together by cutting off their heads. Arya smiles creepily and says that she’ll also need their support if Jon doesn’t come back to get what she wants, presumably not only the North, but perhaps the Iron Throne. Sansa asks how she can think something so terrible. Arya accuses her of thinking the thought right now. She doesn’t want to be, but she can’t stop it. Sansa tersely tells her that she has work to do. Arya sees herself out with a sarcastic, “my Lady.”

It hurt all over. It hurt me so much to see them fighting, especially because I understood it all. On display here are so many of the problems we mentioned during their reunion: These two have grown up away from each other and through fraught circumstances and by different means of survival. Sansa has had to play the game. She’s had to court favor and watch her words and trust sparingly. She’s had to navigate people in order to survive and she’s learned survival from manipulators and the ambitious. Arya has had to fight tooth and nail. She’s had to lurk and hide in shadows and finally learn how to silence enemies and naysayers alike with violence, and all this she’s done with a strong undercurrent of loyalty to her family (or arguably something like loyalty turned into thirst for vengeance). Neither of them is totally right because neither of these ways of being are totally healthy. They both have points: Sansa needs to be political; she also could’ve stood up more for Jon. What’s more, for as much as we want these two badass-in-their-own-right ladies to coexist peacefully, the issues they had with each other growing up haven’t magically disappeared, it seems, and that’s fair. They never got each other and it seems that these new, extreme, more grown-up versions of themselves might struggle on that same front. At least, for now. Hopefully, just for now.

Catherine: Seconded so hard. I feel exactly the same way. I hate seeing them fight and I’m not gonna go all out and say the fight totally makes sense but it does highlight their differences. And I can see both sides of the argument.

Diva: I both loved and hated seeing them fight. I hated it because obviously it hurt me, these girls I love so much and have waited so long to see reunited. But I also deeply understood it, as both of you explained, and I thought it was so much more realistic than these very different girls who grew up in horrific but different circumstances getting along like besties. I loved it because, especially now that the show is skipping so many scenes about characters and relationships in favor of speeding the plot along, these conflicts are so important. This show is at it’s best not just with giant epic battles, but with small, human moments between people, ones that feel rooted in our world as well as theirs. That’s why I loved this scene. And now I want them to work through this, team up despite their differences, and murder Littlefinger.

Mari: King’s Landing. Tyrion and Davos have arrived in record time by way of little row boat that Davos is now securing. Tyrion looks up at King’s Landing and says that last time he was here, he killed his father with a crossbow. Davos cuts his musing by saying that last time he was here, Tyrion killed his son with wildfire. Tyrion at least looks sad about that. Davos points out a path that isn’t very heavily guards because it’s too many steps. Tyrion is surprised to see that Davos isn’t staying by the boat. He says he’s got his own business in Flea Bottom. Tyrion asks what happens if someone takes the boat. Davos: Then we’re fucked. Best hurry.

I love the Onion Knight. (C: Same.) (D: This episode is Peak Davos. He’s perfect.)

Bronn leads Jaime under the Red Keep, where the dragon skulls are kept, under the guise of giving him some private training lessons. Of course, he’s actually leading him to Tyrion. Jaime gives Bronn a murderous look. This all made me think back to how Bronn and Tyrion parted (Bronn apologetically saying that he liked Tyrion, but he just liked himself more), the circumstances that brought Jaime and Bronn together, and the unlikely link between the two Lannister brothers that is Bronn. I wish Tyrion and Bronn had time in the scene together, but alas. (D: Same.)

We are here for a different reunion. Tyrion opens up with a kind of compliment: Tyrion thought he would surprise Jaime by taking Casterly Rock, but Jaime was three steps ahead. Father would’ve been proud. Jaime snaps at Tyrion to not mention their father. He once told Bronn that if he ever saw Tyrion again, he would cut him in half. Tyrion looks down and sees that Jaime is just carrying a sparring sword, no doubt Bronn’s doing. Tyrion turns the feels on and explains to Jaime that Tywin was going to have him executed for a murder Tywin knew Tyrion didn’t commit. Tywin didn’t hate him because of anything Tyrion did, but because of who Tyrion is. Tyrion gets real deep down into his trauma as he asks if Tywin though that he wanted to be born this way? Did he think Tyrion chose this? At one point, Jaime hangs his head, but he soon snaps it back up, and though his eyes look teary, he cuts Tyrion off and asks what he wants. Tyrion says that Daenarys will win this war and there is no way around that. Jaime says if they want Cersei to bend the knee, Tyrion can ask her himself. Tyrion says that he doesn’t. Dany doesn’t, at least for now. She has a more important request. Jaime is intrigued.

Diva: I’m sad this scene didn’t leave a little more time for the conflict between brothers. Tyrion’s emotions make me feel so many feelings, and I understand why Jaime wasn’t having it, but I still needed to reckon with how they both felt a little bit longer before moving on with the plot.

Mari: Flea Bottom. As soon as we saw a blacksmith’s wheel, I shouted GENDRY! I was watching with friends and I’m not sure how amused they were that I ruined it. Apparently, not everyone outside of Trauma HQ has been anxiously awaiting the return of Gendry. Who knew.

Catherine: They’re not our REAL friends. (Just kidding, sorry Mari’s friends.) I shouted GENDRY! too but I won’t allow anyone around me while I watch the show so no one heard.

Diva: Only my husband is allowed to watch with me, and he is accustomed to me screeching things like, “YES BITCH GO TO THE STREET OF STEEL AND BRING BACK MY MAN!”

Mari: Davos walks along until he finds the person he’s looking for, hard at work on a sword. Davos says he wasn’t sure he would find Gendry. “I thought you might still be rowing.” A+ fan service. We love it. Gendry asks if Davos isn’t worried about the Goldcloaks, but it’s been years since Davos has been here. Why would they recognize him? “Nothing fucks you harder than time.”

Davos gears up for a speech about how dangerous things are coming in order to convince Gendry to come with, but Gendry heads him off and says he’s ready. Davos tries to tell him that he should know what he’s going to face, but this is what Gendry’s been thinking about every swing of the hammer as he worked to arm the family that killed his father and tried to kill him. He’s ready. Davos tells him to bring one of his swords. Gendry smiles and says he doesn’t know much about swinging swords but… he grabs a big ass war hammer and says that this is what he knows. It’s even got a stag on it. Of course, the last Baratheon carrying a war hammer had a thing against Targaryens, so mixed feelings here, but not really because YAY GENDRY!

Catherine: He’s so beautiful I missed him so much!!! *weeping*

Diva: I laughed so hard when Gendry totally didn’t need to hear Davos’s amp-up speech for coming along on a dangerous adventure. Now that’s a great way to expedite the plot. Everything about this is perfect fan service and I’m thrilled with it.

Mari: Gendry and Davos get back to the boat, and Davos is telling Gendry to keep his father’s name to himself. Things are complicated as it is. And speaking of complications, two Goldcloaks approach. Davos is right on it as he pulls out a bag of gold and asks for the going bribery rate. He pretends to be outraged at the price, but pays it easily. The Goldcloaks accept their money but then ask what’s in the boat. Gendry is super tense but Davos is good at what he does and tells the soldiers to come have a look. He quickly covers Gendry’s hammer while uncovering his goods: fermented crab. Davos sells it as some kind of Westerosi Viagra and gives the men a taste. He then tells them to hurry off to their favorite establishment before they put a hole in their chainmail. I love, love him.

Diva: I LOVE THIS SCENE. DAVOS IS MY KING.

Mari: Davos has done a great job, but Tyrion has terrible timing and arrives before the Goldcloaks have cleared the scene. He tries to hurry past them, but they see his scar. Davos jingles his money bag again, but the Goldcloaks ask if he’s going to pay them more than Queen Cersei. That’s Gendry’s cue to knock them both clean out with his hammer. It’s gross and effective. Davos introduces Gendry to Tyrion, who simply says, “he’ll do.”

Catherine: Gendry is v. murderey now, guys. All of the former children on this show are +100 murderey now.

Diva: Can you blame them?

Mari: Nope.

Jaime enter’s Cersei’s chambers. Qyburn is there again but quickly wraps up his business. Jaime asks why Qyburn was there. Cersei: He’s the hand of the Queen. Why are you here? What Jaime doesn’t say: I put my hands on the queen, *eyebrow waggle*. It was a missed opportunity.

Diva: I’d like to point out what Qyburn says here (I had to turn the subtitles on to catch it) because I think it’s important: he says, “I could give you something,” and Cersei responds, “That won’t be necessary.” That’s all we hear of their conversation before he’s dismissed. I’ll come back to this.

Mari: Jaime tells Cersei that he met with Tyrion. After a long silence, Cersei asks what their brother had to say. Dany wants to meet to discuss an armistice because an army of dead men is marching for them. Cersei chuckles and asks if Jaime is going to punish Bronn for betraying him. So, of course, Jaime understands that Cersei knew before he got here. She asks if he thinks anything happens that she doesn’t know of. She let the meeting happen because she’s thinking that it is in their best interest to make accommodations with Dany and to fight her how Tywin would’ve– cleverly. Sounds like betrayal to me. Agree to an armistice and attack anyway kind of deal. (D: From Cersei, I’d expect nothing less.)

Cersei says that they will defeat dead men, dragons and Dragon Queens. Anything that stands in their way, for their family and for… she touches her stomach. Jaime raises his eyebrows so high it’s almost comical. His first question: who will Cersei say is the father? “You,” she says as sappy, incesty music starts up. Jaime tells her the people won’t like that, but Cersei reminds him of what their father used to say: the lion does not concern himself with the opinions of the sheep. Jaime kisses his sister and they hug. But then Cersei goes all Cersei and tells him to never betray her again. Which is a weird interpretation of things, seeing as how Cersei was the one who just said that Jaime was the one betrayed. But okay Cersei.

And I’ll believe that baby when I see it.

Diva: And this is why I wanted to bring up the quick Qyburn-Cersei convo. Because I absolutely would not put it past Cersei to fake this pregnancy, until I heard those lines. My read of that conversation is the “something” Qyburn offers Cersei is an abortifacient and Cersei is declining. And that’s why I think this baby just might be real – though I don’t think it’ll ever be born. Because prophecies.

Mari: Teleportation has brought us back to Dragonstone already. Davos is telling Gendry again not to mention who he really is. He’s to be Clovis, just a kid come to pay his respects to Jon before heading off to work in the smiths at Winterfell. They enter the Cave of Wonders and Gendry immediately introduces himself to Jon as Gendry, Robert Baratheon’s bastard son. Gendry says that their fathers trusted each other and so should they. Jon says that he met Robert once at Winterfell and Gendry replies that he met Ned once at his shop. Jon says Gendry is a lot leaner and Gendry matter of factly says that Jon is a lot shorter.

Catherine: I loved this moment so much. Jon says something complimentary and Gendry’s just like “Haha, you’re short.”

Diva: OUR BOYFRIENDS ARE MEETING AND MAKING FUN OF EACH OTHER. EVERYTHING IS GREAT.

Mari: Jon says that he grew up on stories about their fathers. (It gives me a lot of feels, even if we now know Jon’s parentage, Ned was still his dad and his childhood, you know?) All Gendry knows is that the men fought together and won. Davos told Gendry what Jon is doing, and Gendry wants to come with. If what Davos said about the looming threat is true, Gendry doesn’t want to wait out this war. Davos confirms that Gendry can handle himself, even though he doesn’t like this idea at all. His warnings are wasted and he tells them to ignore him anyway. “All I’ve ever done is live to a ripe, old age.”

Diva: This is like Davos’s third reference to his old age so far this episode. You KNOW that means the show is priming us for his death, which I will be unable to take under any circumstances even though we’re obviously going to be trimming this cast going into the final season. Brb, I’m already crying.

Mari: I will not be able to deal.

Jon’s expedition gets ready to take off. Tyrion says goodbye to Jorah, telling him that he’s missed him for his one-of-a-kind glowering. Tyrion has the coin given to him by the slaver when he suggested they be freed and paid. Jorah remembers that it was supposed to last them the rest of their lives. Tyrion gives it to Jorah and tells him to take it with him, but bring it back. Dany needs him.

Dany arrives now to also say her goodbyes. They hold hands and Jorah starts to say something but trails off when Jon approaches. Jon tells Dany that at least if he doesn’t return, she won’t have to deal with the King in the North. “I’ve grown used to him,” she says with a small smile. Absolutely not taking up that open invitation to flirt, Jon just wishes her good fortune in the wars to come and off he goes.

Catherine: He’s gonna be kicking himself on the boat later when he realizes that she was coming onto him.

Diva: He’s definitely going to be doing something to himself on that boat when he thinks about Dany coming onto him.

Mari: What, no. It’s a small boat.

Oldtown. Sam is working on something while Gilly is reading from a Maester Maynard’s records. It turns out that Maynard was a prolific note taker and he recorded the number of steps at the Citadel and the windows in Baelor’s Sept. Sam looks kind of annoyed by Gilly’s prattle, but she keeps on reading. She asks what an annulment is as Maynard’s notes tell of a Prince “Ragger’s” annulment and remarriage in a secret ceremony in Dorne.

IT’S SAID SO CASUALLY AND SAM ISN’T EVEN PAYING ATTENTION. And my first thought was that maybe this is how Sam finds out about Jon’s parentage, but it’s so much more important! BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT JON SNOW IS NOT A BASTARD. HIS PARENTS WERE MARRIED! HE HAS A CLAIM TO THE THRONE!

Catherine: I want to be mad at Sam for not really hearing this since it means that he’s probably gonna remember it later and have like, a Columbo moment, but it took my 4 days to come around to that conclusion. If I’m not mistaken, this means that Jon has a better claim to the throne than anyone?

Diva: YES, YES, AND YES. I screamed at my television. I LOVE that they dropped it in this way, where Sam just plowed right past it. 

Mari: Sam snaps and he’s really not mad at Gilly, but mad because he’s been set to the task of preserving Maynard’s notes when somewhere out on those shelves could be the answer to defeating the Night King. (Um, obviously this means the information he missed– that Jon is a full Targaryan– is somehow the key to defeating the Night King.) Sam goes out to the library. He grabs a bunch of scrolls and books and stuffs them in his bag. We next see him packing his bags and leaving the Citadel with Gilly and little Sam. Gilly asks if Sam is sure about leaving. He’s always wanted to be a maester. Sam says he’s tired of reading about the achievements of better men.

Winterfell. Littlefinger is meeting with a woman and presumably paying her for whatever information she shared. Arya is spying on him. Littlefinger also meets with Royce and Wolkan while Arya watches. Later, Arya waits in the hallway and watches as Wolkan tells Littlefinger that he found what he asked for. It’s a scroll, the only copy at Winterfell. Littlefinger tells him that Lady Sansa thanks him for his services.

Arya waits in the hallway until some time has passed and Littlefinger leaves his room. He locks the door behind him, but Arya picks it open. Inside the room, she looks for the mysterious scroll and finally finds it hidden underneath and inside the mattress. It’s the scroll that Sansa sent to Winterfell after Ned died– the one Cersei made her write. The one that Luwin and Robb immediately knew had to be fake. Arya reads the scroll, puts it back, and lets herself back out. In the shadows, Littlefinger watches her.

I went through so many emotions watching this scene. It started with me so happy that Arya was spying on Littlefinger and by the end I was pretty furious at Littlefinger because he’s the worst and these are just more steps to drive a wedge between Arya and Sansa. Now, I’m at the point where I’m hoping to God that Arya knows something is up and doesn’t fall for this. Arya is good at reading people. I hope that she won’t let herself be manipulated this way and that at the end of the day, Littlefinger has bitten off more than he can chew.

LET ME DREAM.

Catherine: I have no idea how this is gonna play out but Littlefinger is for sure trying to drive a wedge between them. Messy bitch.

Diva: He is a messy bitch who lives for drama, and I am literally so exhausted of watching him lurk in shadows smirking. That’s all he’s done this entire season. Stop scheming and fucking do something already so Arya can slice your face off or whatever. I’m over it.

Mari: Teleportation Station, Eastwatch. Inside, Jon meets with Tormund to share their bad plan. Tormund hilariously asks if Jon is trying to convince the queen with the dragons or the queen who fucks her brother about the wights. “Both,” Jon says. Tormund asks about the men he’s brought and has to of course ask if maybe the “big woman” is around. He’s so in love. (D: I love him.) Tormund asks if Jon really wants to go back out there and Jon nods. Tormund says he isn’t the only one.

Cells. Tormund says that scouts spotted these men south of the wall, and they claimed they were on the way here. It’s the Hound and Brotherhood Co. Jon recognizes the Hound. The Hound does not tell Jon about his time in a buddy cop show with Arya. (C: Neither did motherfucking Gendry. So.) (D: EVERYONE STOP FORGETTING YOUR ARYA BUDDY COP ADVENTURES, DAMMIT.) Berric tells them that their lord told them to go north of the Wall, and Gendry interrupts him to say that he’s untrustworthy. The last thing their lord told them to do was sell Gendry to a red witch to be murdered. Jorah recognizes the third man in the cell, Thoros, and that’s how Tormund finds out who Jorah is– “a fucking Mormont.” His father hunted the Free Folk like animals. Jorah says that as he understands it, they returned the favor. “Here we all are,” Berric says, “at the end of the world.” And it really is quite a group, connected in so many different ways, many of which aren’t even mentioned in this scene.

Berric starts a speech about how the Lord of Light is directing their steps, but the Hound tells him to STFU. Are they all going together or not? Jon says yes because right now, they are all on the same side. Gendry, probably still not over the penis slugs, asks how can they be. Jon says because they are all breathing. He opens the cell door and that transitions us to the opening of the Wall gate. The band of men I’ve seen called all kinds of things online already (Suicide Squad being my fave) take long looks at each other and out at the blustery winterscape, and they head out to certain doom in a literal v-formation.

Diva: The literal definition of #squadgoals. I LOVE THIS MOTLEY CREW. I love their conflicting relationships to each other, and I am READY FOR THIS BOY BAND. And also terrified re: who’s going to die. My money on most to least likely to survive: Jon, Beric, Gendry, Thoros, Hound, Jorah, Tormund (don’t fucking break my heart like this, show). I also saw some epic theories about who might be the wight they bring south which I will leave to your imagination, but I am psyched about all of them.

Catherine: I’m concerned about who on this idiot north of the wall mission is going to die. Obviously someone is. 

Other than Jon, I feel like it’s pretty much open season for everyone. Any one of those men could die. If I had to take a bet I’d say one or two of the brotherhood (discounting the Hound). Someone is going down in this stupid, rushed mission that is clearly just a plot device to finish out the season without really finishing anything.

Mari: I have excuses for everyone not dying. Jon has the thickest plot armor. The Hound has had a pretty full about face, but there is something missing in his story: Cleganebowl. Beric won’t die. Gendry just got here. Thoros would be too cheap. That leaves Jorah and Tormund. Would they kill of Jorah so close to coming back from certain death? IDK. That kind of leaves Tormund, but I hate it.

I started this episode super scared, but it makes sense to me now that this was super set-up heavy. We’ve got a couple of episodes left, enough for a build-up and a cliffhanger, and this had to put a lot of things into place. It was slower than like a whole dragon fire battle scene, but what isn’t, you know? I wasn’t super crazy about the episode at first, but I appreciate it more now after watching again for recapping.

I continue to be astounded by how much our story has been condensed here. As people connected in different ways continue to meet, we also see goals and endgames merging.

The ones we are privy to, at least. While everyone else seems closer to getting on the same page about the looming danger, we see Cersei completely on the outside of that and still playing her own game. We see Qyburn twice in this episode, just after conferring with the queen, though we are totally left out of their meetings and their plotting. There is no hope, I think, for getting Cersei on the same page as everyone else. She as much as said in this episode that she would pretend to work with Dany, only to fight her in a sneakier way since numbers aren’t in their favor.

I think we see a small reflection of this in Sansa. I think she’s still playing the smaller game. She’s clearly not convinced of Jon’s mission and she doesn’t yet see the looming danger there. She’s in the weeds– running a castle and feeding her people, thinking of what comes next and of her own ambitions.

The last episode (or two before?) was very concerned about titles, and this one brings up a lot about family. Randyll and Dickon die together. Tyrion relives his daddy issues. Jon and Gendry talk about their fathers and of course we learn in this episode that Jon is a rightful son.

Diva: I liked this episode, but what a tease for it to be called Eastwatch when we only see Eastwatch in the last fuckin’ scene. I am READY FOR SOME ICE ZOMBIES, Y’ALL. But also terrified and not at all ready. You know. The usual.

Catherine: I’m happy that Gendry is back. I mean, him not mentioning Arya to Jon makes no sense to me. Not just ’cause I ship it but because from a narrative perspective it just made no sense. LOOK OKAY IT JUST MADE NO SENSE. I’M FINE.

Like you said, Mari this was another slower, setting things up episode. There are only two episodes left in the season and we all know the second to last ep of any given GOT season is usually a bloodbath.

Mari: And on that note, #gameofsnark Tweets:

 

Next time on Game of Thrones: Who will die in S07 E06 – Beyond the Wall.

 

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





DemocracyDiva (all posts)

I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.





Catherine (all posts)

I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.





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Marines

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.