Breaking Dawn Chapter 38 – Even more disappointing than expected.

Previously: In a field somewhere, vampire are still talking a lot.
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Annie: We get stuck in right at the end of last chapter’s curb hanger. Volturi vamp Chelsea (K: Still the most ridiculous name for a vampire) is trying to break the group’s emotional bonds, but she can’t see them. Edward asks Bella if she’s shielding them and Bella is definitely doing the thing.

Edward reaches for Carlisle as Bella feels someone trying to attack her shield. Eddie asks Carlisle if he’s okay. Carlisle is confused at Edward’s concern. Apparently Jane was trying to attack Carlisle, but Bella’s magic shield is protecting him, too.

Tanya doesn’t understand why the Volturi are attacking already and Edward explains that it is standard procedure for the Voluturi to incapacitate those on trial so that they can’t escape. Jane is irritated that she can’t attack and Bella smiles at her smugly. That’s right. Taunt them, Bells.

K: Can we stop for a second for a Do You Even Own a Face moment? Because Bella “grinned a huge, smug smile right at Jane” and then literally two lines later, she “pulled my lips wider, showing my teeth.” Like… if you’re grinning a huge smile, smug or otherwise, that strongly implies that you’re already showing your teeth. You know? 

Marines: I’m mostly impressed that here, on the eve of the end, you still find it in you to care about Meyer’s terrible descriptions. 

Annie: Jane screams in frustration and startles the gathered vampires. Except for the vampires from Romania. They’re chuckling. ‘In dark anticipation’. Ooooooohkay.

K: Are they shivering in antici…….pation too? Probably not. That would make this book interesting. 

Annie: 

Alec tucks Jane under his arm. Like a football? I don’t understand. I don’t understand any of this. I think it’s meant to be action-packed and suspenseful? Instead it’s stupid.

Alec tries to knock the group out with his sensory deprivation power. It works slower than Jane’s power, like a creeping mist.  Benjamin tries to blow Aro’s mist cloud away and that sounds…. wrong. (K: Never forget that this was written by the woman who thanked her husband for eating out in the acknowledgements of book 2…) It also doesn’t stop the mist. The ground cracks open, creating a physical  separation between the Volturi and the Cullen crew. That doesn’t stop the mist, either. Not that I’m surprised.

Aro, Caius and Marcus are all waiting and watching. Jane is smiling as the mist gets closer, but Bella’s shield protects them against it. This gives Bella the confidence that she can use her shield to protect people. She tells Edward that she’ll need to concentrate to keep her shield up, so she probably won’t be able to keep it up if she’s having to fight. (M: As if we believe that. If pushed, I’m sure Steph would be like “and wow, I could fight and keep the shield up who knew I’m so special wow.) Edward wants to protect her, but Bella insists that he go after Demetri. Zafrina is tasked with protecting Bella.

The Cullens’ vamp crew start claiming their opponents on the Volturi side. Why is this always a thing that Meyer does?

K: “Two by two, we’re marching door to door/’Cos God loves Mormons and He wants some more…” Juuuuuuuuuuust saying.

Annie: Aro tells the vamp conference that before the vote, there doesn’t need to be any violence and that the Volturi do not want to lose any vamps, especially the ‘special’ ones and that they would welcome any of them that would like to join them.

While Chelsea’s power tries to break through Bella’s shield again, Aro looks to see if there is any hesitation on the opposing side, but they seem solid. He calls for the vote.  Caius is pro killing Renesmee and anyone who tries to protect her. Marcus doesn’t see Renesmee as a danger and votes no to killing.

K: I’m pro killing EVERYONE IN THIS BOOK. But that may just be me. 

Annie: That leaves the vote to Aro to break the tie. Edward gets all stiff and hisses out the word yes. Bella thinks Edward looks like “an angel of destruction”, beautiful and terrifying. What is even going on here?

Mari: Stephanie Meyer is sexually attracted to angels, I think.

Annie: Edward calls out to Aro, asking for a point of clarification about Aro’s concern for the danger Renesmee presents. Edward asks if the only objection is that Aro doesn’t know what will become of Renesmee as she grows,  and that if there was a way to know what she will become, there would be no need for the vote or the council at all.

Aro agrees that yes, if they were to know exactly what Renesmee was to become, there would be no need for any of this. Edward says he has something else to offer and that although Renesmee may be unique, she is not one of a kind. Edward asks Aro to call off Jane’s attacks on Bella’s shield as they’re still discussing evidence. Aro calls Jane off, and Edward shouts for Alice to join them.

K: What follows is Alice’s name NINE FREAKING TIMES IN A ROW as everyone excitedly reacts. You could easily have covered that with “The excitement was palpable,” but noooooooo.

Annie: “The excitement was palpable” is only 4 words, and we all know Meyer is getting paid by the word, so that just wouldn’t work.

Alice dances into the clearing with Jasper and three unknown people. Bella feels the first one is clearly Kachiri as she has ‘elongated limbs and features’ like the other Amazons.

I feel more racist descriptions are coming our way, guys.

Yep. The next vampire has a food-coloured complexion (olive), with long black hair in a braid. Great. The third person wasn’t as fast or as vampire-like. His skin is ‘impossibly rich, dark brown’ and I am super impressed that this far into the book, Stephenie still takes time to remind us of how racist she is. You cannot call a skin colour ‘impossibly’. If it’s a thing, it’s possible. Don’t describe a skin colour as impossible because you’re othering him and I fucking hate Stephenie Meyer.

K: My post-it note says “Oh good. More shit representation of Indigenous people. Awesome.” Which, yup. BUT IT’S FINE, YOU GUYS. WE’RE SO CLOSE TO THE END.

Annie: Anyway. The man has a heartbeat. Edward explains that Alice went to find these witnesses and she introduces them as Huilen and her nephew, Nahuel. Aro calls on Huilen to speak and she explains that 150 years ago, her sister got hooked on sparkle peen and had a half-vamp, half-human baby, too.  Pire, the sister, named her unborn kid Nahuel and died when he burst out of her alien-style.

K: Actual quote: “The child ripped his way free of her“. What the fuck, Steph? Maybe see a therapist, because you clearly have a lot of hang ups about pregnancy and childbirth, yeah? I think it would be really good for you to discuss those things instead of writing them into your books…

Annie: It was Pire’s dying wish that Huilen would take care of the hybrid baby. When Huilen went to pick up the baby, he bit her and turned her into a vampire. This is so stupid.

Huilen ‘raised’ Nahuel and they have mostly kept to themselves all this time. But they came all this way because Nahuel wanted to see Renesmee. Aro asks Nahuel if he’s 150 years old and asks when he reached the age of maturity. Nahuel was fully grown around 7 years old and hasn’t changed since then. This makes Jacob shudder (M: EW, WHY?) and Bella doesn’t want to think about that. Sweet. Another grown-ass man looking at Renesmee as a potential bride.

Aro continues to question Nahuel. It’s a disguise for an info dump: Nahuel eats blood, but can eat human food, he can create other vampire, but tells Are ‘none of the others an’.  Apparently Nahuel’s vampire dad has fathered two other hybrid kids, daughters.  Nahuel’s dad, Joham, sought him out and wanted his son to join the clan, but Nahuel wasn’t interested, as he already had his family. Nahuel’s sisters are unable to turn people into vampires, but he can turn people into vampires. He isn’t sure if that’s a male-female thing. Nahuel’s dad thinks of himself as a kind of scientist and believes he’s building a new, super-race.

K: OH COOL, BUILDING A SUPER RACE THROUGH EXPERIMENTATION ON ETHNIC MINORITIES. That’s definitely a great thing to write into a YA book. Yup. Nothing at all could go wrong here. 

Annie: Caius asks Bella if Renesmee is venomous and she tells him she isn’t. Caius is all ‘Cool. We’ll kill this one and then go after the others.’ But Aro isn’t cool with that. Aro doesn’t believe the half-vampire kids pose a threat. So his vote is no to the murdering. Caius is mad about it, so he asks about the vampire ‘scientist’ who is going around using human women to build his super-race. Aro agrees that they should probably go talk to him. Nahuel  is fine if they go after his father, but asks they leave his sisters alone as they’re not hurting anyone. Aro agrees and calls off his guards. They all stand up, because apparently they have been crouching all this time, ready to pounce. Bella keeps her shield up, just in case this is a trick. I feel like we’ve all been tricked, because where is this epic battle we’ve been gearing up to for chapters and chapters?

The Volturi’s witnesses start to leave.  Aro says he’s glad they worked everything out and hopes there are no hard feelings.  Carlisle reminds them not to hunt nearby and Aro is kind of pouty about it.  The Volturi head out. That was anti-climatic. But I’m also glad I didn’t have to recap a Stephenie Meyer written action scene, cuz those are painful.

K: That said, we read 740 pages of “OMG EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE” only to be treated with a “Never mind, we’ll just go home” ending. Fuck you, SMeyer. Fuck. You.

Mari: Despite learning to not expect much from Stephenie Meyer, this was still even more disappointing than expected? I’ve seen the movie and even that had a fake-out battle scene? But they just STAND THERE and then THEY LEAVE. Nothing even happens to the Volturi. They aren’t defeated. THE MAIN VILLAINS JUST WALK AWAY. 

Annie: Bella asks if it’s over, and Edward tells her that the Volturi have given up. Alice laughs and backs up what Edward said. Stefan is disappointed that they didn’t get to fight, but everyone else is happy. The vampire couples make out in celebration. Bella rips Renesmee off of Jacob’s back and hugs her, though it sounds more violent than that, with Bella ‘crushing’ her kid to her. Edward hugs them both and Jake bark-laughs. lololol One big happy family!

Renesmee asks if she gets to stay with her mother and Bella says ‘Forever’ and Edward echoes her words, and they kiss. Yay. Book over?

Nope. There’s one more fucking chapter to get through. Of course.

 

Next time on Breaking Dawn: One more in Chapter 39.