Previously: Breakup sads.
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Zelda: We open on a weirdly quiet Friday Night Dinner (sans Richard), which Emily’s having none of, because if the Kennedys could manage lively dinner conversation, so can the Gilmores. Lorelai volunteers that a butt model makes $10,000 a day, which earns a snicker from Rory, while Emily bemoans that Camelot is truly dead. Richard bustles in, and Emily time travels when she asks Siri to bring him a plate, and of course that’s the maid of the week, but maybe Emily has a secret proto-iPhone, YOU DON’T KNOW. (S: IF ANYONE WOULD.)
Then my favorite exchange happens:
WHERE YOU LEAD.
Still at the manse, Lorelai descends the stairs into the classiest, giantest, larger-than-my-apartmentest basement I have seen, where Emily is midfume as she unpacks boxes to find 35 years worth of gifts from Lorelai the First so they can be properly displayed for her arrival. Lorelai, amused by her mother’s distress, is convinced she’s overreacting, because LtF is old as the hills. Emily knows better, though – “She doesn’t just give you a present, she gives you a present,” then tells you where to put it, what it’s worth, how much to insure it for, and basically micromanages its entire existence into your existence and wow this is someone who can terrify Emily and I’m feeling pretty grateful for how low maintenance my relations are right now.
As they drive home, Rory quizzes Lorelai on Great Grandma. LtF moved to London when she was widowed, and stayed there; Richard and Emily would visit her without Lorelai the Second. That’s all she knows, aside from second-hand stories. Richard said Rory reminds him of her, and Lorelai says that’s the biggest compliment to be gotten from him. Rory hopes LtF will like her. “She’ll love you,” Lorelai replies. Rory hopes LtF will get along with Emily. “She’ll love you,” Lorelai replies in exactly the same inflection. (S: Hilarious, Lauren Graham has such good delivery instincts.)
Chilton. Paris holds court on Elizabethan government (#puns). Her two Paris-ytes (I’m not sorry) agree without really listening. Rory’s not-listening looks a lot like pouting, and Tristin’s not-listening looks a like sneaking side glances at Rory because of that whole kiss thing that happened. Paris concludes that their group should model their government on Elizabeth’s court but that there should be both a Queen and King (why?), which should be Rory and Tristin (because awkward, that’s why). Rory and Tristin both awkwardly decline, and Rory insists Paris can be both head of Parliament and Queen, citing Henry VIII and his rampant reforms, but Paris doesn’t think he’s the best role model, what with all the wife-beheading. Madeline volunteers to be Queen, which solves that, but this group project is apparently important enough that Paris has booked the classroom for the whole weekend, so I guess we’re already at next Friday? Everyone gives Paris the stink-eye while she hands out packets outlining the whole system, so either she’s the only one who’s done any prep work on this, or she doesn’t care what work anyone else has done, and is steamrolling over that. Either option seems in character. I love Paris, but she’s at her most exhausting right now. (S: Classic Paris.)
As class breaks, Paris pulls Rory aside to ask what’s up with her and Tristan. Rory lies that they’re no weirder than usual. Paris lets it go, however, and shows the side of her I like when she honestly asks Rory for her thoughts on the manifesto. “First thought: lose the word manifesto.” Paris compromises with doctrine. Rory, realizing she forgot something, turns to head back into the classroom, so she can awkward some more with Tristan. Rory thinks they need to talk, he plays dumb but eventually agrees, so then they… leave and don’t talk? That was productive.
Samantha: Acknowledging the problem is the first step, I guess?
Zelda: Independence Inn. Lorelai’s having issues accessing reservations and Michel (Michel! Hi Michel!) thinks it’s Lorelai error, not computer error. He patronizingly explains how to double-click, then boots her aside to do it himself. There’s the same error, so she wastes no time in giving him sh… do we curse here? (S: Hell yes.) The phone rings, and it’s Emily, demanding a hat rack.
Samantha: It’s really refreshing to be seeing this different side of Emily.
Zelda: Chilton. Rory and Tristan are having their talk now. He was upset over Summer, she was upset over Dean, and it doesn’t mean anything. Tristan says he’ll swear off girls for a while, earning a scoff from Rory. She posits it’s not about swearing off all girls, but swearing off a certain kind of girl, suggesting he try someone smart and ambitious, like Paris. Tristan’s skeptical, but Rory quotes Casablanca, so I guess this is happening. Tristan doesn’t get the reference, because he’s not a Gilmore Girl.
Home. Lorelai restlessly channel surfs, yelling for Rory to finish getting ready so they can leave. Rory’s suspicious of how eager Lorelai is to leave, which – legit, because what Lorelai’s actually eager for is watching Emily squirm under the eye of LtF. Lorelai denies everything. Rory makes her promise not to openly rejoice in Emily’s discomfort, and Lorelai promises “internal reveling only,” then grabs a camera so she can internally revel for years to come. The La Las segue us into the car, and there’s the hideous hat rack poking out of the back of the jeep. Lorelai’s grin is nothing but evil.
Gilmore manse. Lorelai, Rory, and Emily furtively lug the hideous hat rack into the foyer. Emily is tense, practically cringing, and I have to imagine this is how her rotating staff feels all the time. She leads the girls into the living room, addressing LtF as Mom, and it’s Mrs. Cunningham! Mrs. C’s reading a newspaper with a freaking monocle because she’s old, rich, and Madonna-British, and doesn’t look up. Richard brings her a drink and calls her Trix, which is wrong because she’s clearly Mrs. C but also something in their relationship always rubbed me weird, and it starts with the name Trix. Also, why does Emily call her Mom if Richard doesn’t? (S: So much agreement on the weird.) Mrs. C inspects the other two Lorelais, decides “they’re tall,” then makes her first dig at Emily by remarking that their good health means the majority of their blood is Gilmore blood, and ugh. This is shitty. It’s just shitty. I get that Emily has a hell of a long way to go in learning how to treat people, but Mrs. C is somehow even garbagier than she is, and she’s not even subtle about it. Richard’s got weird-Trix-love goggles on and ignores how awful she is to his wife with like every single sentence she utters. (S: Which makes me so mad at him, tbh.)
Richard brags about Rory, Emily brings hors d’oeuvres, and Mrs. C is awful. When Emily runs off to fetch spiced nuts, Mrs. C recaps Lorelai’s backstory, and Richard finally looks embarrassed, but I suspect it’s more about Lorelai the Second’s life choices than Lorelai the First’s rude behavior. However, Mrs. C pivots into praising Lorelai for her self-sufficiency and I stop hating her for ten seconds. Then Emily returns with the nuts, Mrs. C is awful, and that was a nice ten seconds. When Emily returns for a third time with dishes for the hors d’oeuvres, it is of course time for dinner, because this is how you drive someone homicidal. Mrs. C even gets in one last dig that Emily doesn’t know how to run her staff (which, considering there’s a new maid each week, does mean they’re always new and untrained, so … fair). Everyone files out awkwardly, leaving Emily holding the tray and years of resentment.
Samantha: I honestly can’t believe Richard married someone that his mom so clearly despises.
Zelda: Later at dinner, Mrs. C continues to be awful to Emily while the topic turns to how Lorelai can afford Rory’s private school education. They tell her that Richard and Emily are funding it, but Lorelai hastens to clarify that it’s a loan, not a gift. Never one to stop being rude, Mrs. C throws down her napkin and declares herself done with dinner, as well as calling dibs on planning tomorrow’s dinner. Rory can’t come, because of Paris’s weekend government jam, but that doesn’t get Lorelai out of the fun. And with one final bewildering remark about not eating dessert in Cambodia, which is interesting coming from someone we were exposited hates to travel, Mrs. C leaves the room on Richard’s arm.
Saturday Government Jam. Rory enters with, I swear to god, 300 coffees, and were I a caffeine consumer, I would probably build a shrine. As Rory distributes caffeine and carbs, Paris looks quietly touched that Rory knows how she takes her coffee, and it’s cute. (S: Love how their friendship is built up so much.) Tristan strolls in and unsubtly pulls Paris aside, which sets the Paris-ytes speculating, and Rory smiles a smug little secretive smile. Paris re-enters with her own secretive smile and tells the girls Tristan’s asked her out, but the details disappoint Louise, who thinks the last-minuteness speaks to her being a second choice for the evening. She continues to smush Paris’s vanity by pointing out how far she is from Tristia’s type, and when they throw out that he usually likes bad girls, I get confused because I thought he had a crush on Rory? I blocked a lot of the Tristan stuff from my memory, I won’t lie to you. After the Paris-ytes offer to give her a Pink Ladies makeover, Paris calls Saturday Government Jam to order.
That night at home, Rory’s studying at the coffee table when Lorelai rushes home and demands a five minute talking break while she changes for dinner. Rory follows her upstairs to tell her about the matchmaking of Paris and Tristan, and Lorelai breaks out what is supposed to be a Ricky Ricardo impression, but it sounds more Italian than Cuban to me. Her impressive quick change done, Lorelai’s out the door, farewelling with the news that there’s defrosted cake for Rory in the fridge (excellent momming).
Under some La Las, Rory eats the cake (good girl) and studies (I guess that’s okay, too), when Paris knocks on the door, arms laden with many bland-looking clothes still on the hanger. She doesn’t know what to wear. Rory: “Ever?” Paris follows her inside, talking Gilmore-fast about not knowing how to dress for a date. She didn’t go to the Paris-ytes with this because they don’t know how to be emotionally supportive, as we’ve already seen. Paris’s wardrobe leaves everything to be desired, so Rory takes her upstairs to raid Lorelai’s closet. When Rory pulls out a purplish-pinkish-plumish (no one told me there was a color test) blouse, Paris says her mother says the color pink makes her head look small, and just WHAT. One, it’s not pink; two, WHAT. Paris confesses how inexperienced she is at dating and how confused she is that Tristin asked her out. Rory sympathizes, pointing out that Dean aside, she also has zero experience. The talk turns schmoopy because no one on the show knows Dean is the worst yet. (S: Hahahaha.) Rory selects an outfit and I’m confused because this blouse has more actual pink in it than the first one but nobody asked me. Paris goes to change, and Rory finds flash cards Paris made with talking points for the date, and all of me is cringing but also I get it. Rory suggests she lose the card about the Spanish Inquisition, and I agree unless that card is intended to launch a re-enactment of the Monty Python sketch.
Paris emerges and she looks adorable (suck it, Paris’s mom!), and Rory agrees with me. A tube of lipstick, and Paris is gone. Time for more cake!
Samantha: I love this scene so much, always.
Zelda: Or time for more awful Mrs. C at the Gilmore table, I guess.
Apparently she brought the rabbit they’re eating with her from London, and is that allowed? I know fruits are a no-no, but I’ve never tried to transport game. As they leave the table, Mrs. C tells Lorelai she doesn’t approve of borrowing and lending money, because she is Polonius. Her solution is to make Rory’s surprise! trust fund, which wouldn’t be accessible til she’s 25, available now, and use that to pay for Chilton. Lorelai is of course touched. Emily is of course quietly furious. Excellent subtle face acting from Kelly Bishop here. Left alone, Emily asks Lorelai if she’s actually considering accepting the money. She warns that this money will jeopardize Lorelai’s relationship with Rory, because her actual subtext is she’s afraid she’ll lose her relationship with both of them. “If Rory has that money, she won’t need you anymore,” Emily says, trying to hide her own fear. “It’s terrible not to be needed. You’ll see.”
Samantha: Also shows a deep misunderstanding of her relationship and issues therein with Lorelai, to me. Lor’s leaving her parents had nothing to do with money, as evidenced by her leaving even though she didn’t have any.
Zelda: Lorelai gets home, and the evidence suggests Rory didn’t have any more cake after Paris left, which oughtta be a crime. Lorelai finds a sleeping Rory in bed, with all her study books out and all the lights on. She tucks Rory in as the La Las play, then looks at Rory’s Harvard folder and her wall covered in posters of all the places she wants to visit, and you can tell Lorelai is considering. Are Rory’s walls always covered with posters of other countries, or is tonight special? Asking for a me.
Stars Hollow Troubadour is singing a song and my GOD how is this the first time Sookie’s shown up all episode? I’ve only been writing this recap for three years. She and Lorelai are in a flower shop that looks like a rain forest, discussing Mrs. C’s trust fund gift. Sookie thinks Lorelai should have hired a singing telegram to tell Rory about it, and you know what? She’s right. Next time someone gives me a trust fund, I demand to be informed via singing telegram.
Meanwhile, back at the manse, Richard thinks Emily is being hysterical, which is the exact worst thing to say to an angry woman, Richie. (S: A sincere fuck you, Dick.) Emily wants him to talk Mrs. C into taking back the trust fund; he doesn’t want to offend his mother. Emily doesn’t care how completely awful Mrs. C is to her, she cares only that this will give Lorelai the freedom to never come back again, a fear she finally confesses tearfully; and for a show that’s known for its verbiage, this is a habit with everyone – a lot of talking talking around the issue before characters finally use their words to say what they actually mean. Mrs. C enternounces that she’s ordered a car because women shouldn’t drive, and I want the rest of Rory’s cake please. Richard’s left to contemplate the possibility Emily saw immediately but which he hadn’t even dreamt of.
Chilton Sunday Session. Rory and Paris are there first, so they debrief. Paris thinks the date went very well: she didn’t use her flashcards once, and he gave her a great good night kiss. Rory thinks this is a good opportunity to talk about their untaxed peasants and I’m including this only because Paris says “Let them eat cake,” and she’s clearly been reading my recap. Tristan arrives, but is cool and detached when Paris tries to engage him in conversation. Apparently she left five voicemails, and Paris NO. He’s not Angelus-level shitty about it, but he also makes it clear that he just wants to be friends. I’m burning with all the second-hand embarrassment as Paris pretends to agree with him that they have more of a friend vibe, and I’m so glad I’m not in high school anymore. But THEN Tristan tells her that Rory told him to ask her out, and Tristan NO. (S: I hate this.) Paris controls her rage long enough to walk the three feet over to Rory to loudly chew her out, and everything is embarrassing and awful. She leaves the room with an “I hate you,” which the Paris-ytes are just in time to witness. Rory pivots to yell at Tristan because he is stupid, and he doesn’t see what the big deal is, because he’s Tristan. He says he shouldn’t date Paris when he likes someone else, which Rory thinks means he’s not over Summer, and he lies and says yes that’s what it’s about, and did anyone ship these two? Ever? Because blargh. Rory squishes her face around, which I think means she’s realizing Tristin lied.
And it’s time for tea! And cake? People eat cake with tea, right? That’s not just something Oscar Wilde made up? Lorelai joins a subdued Emily at a table (Mrs. C is being awful offscreen, one presumes). Lorelai lies (heh) about telling Rory about the trust fund, and people need to stop lying so obviously on this show. After blathering, Lorelai confesses that she hasn’t told Rory yet, and Emily’s quietly gloating, while Lorelai resentfully deflects. The conversation immediately turns personal, as it always does with these two, and Lorelai’s fighting tears. She pulls out her phone to call Rory and tell her about the money, but can’t get a signal, which leads to a twisty spinny dance.
To her credit, Emily is genuinely sorry this got spoiled for Rory because she obviously never meant to punish everyone’s favorite teenager in the whole wide world. She resolves to fix it, and pulls out her phone to call Richard, and I get excited that we’re gonna get an encore of the twisty spinny dance from an actual Tony-winning dancer, but I am destined for disappointment. Lorelai calms Emily’s growing panic by reminding her that Rory can still attend Chilton thanks to their agreement. When Emily asks Lorelai if she’s sure, you can see her struggle, but she smiles and repeats, “We’re good.” Emily rises to chase after Mrs. C before she abandons her there (which she totally would and probably does). Before she goes, Lorelai asks one favor: “Don’t make us take the coat rack back.” I thought it was a hat rack? Continuity, people! (S: It’s so ugly people can’t hold its purpose in their brains.)
Back in Stars Hollow, Lorelai collects Rory from the bus stop, coffees in hand. Rory’s surprised the tea party ended early, they banter about tea’s uselessness, and then Rory confesses Paris has Lorelai’s black mini and she’ll probably never give it back. Lorelai’s got her one better though – Rory lost out on a quarter of a million dollars, and the La Las take us away.
Wait a second, there was no Luke in this episode! OR Lane.
Samantha: TRAVESTY.
I'm a loud Brazilian who loves all things fantasy, horror, and YA. I spend most of my spare time reading, bellydancing, making lists, and watching way too much TV. My name is pronounced Tah-ees (it doesn't have a notable meaning, but there's a French opera with the same name!).
I'm a 28 year old graduated English major and almost librarian. I can often be found singing too loudly (poorly) in the car or spending some time (hours) on Tumblr. I am a lover of Harry Potter, the Spice Girls, and too many other things.
