Charmed S03 E16 – Obviously, I won.

Previously: Piper got married, but really, let’s talk about Prue.
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Death Takes a Halliwell

Marines: Beach. Phoebe is using that baby voice I hate as she builds a sandcastle. Prue is taking pictures of her and the sandcastle, right up until she gets a little wet by an incoming wave. Prue and Phoebe start walking along as Prue asks how Phoebe could’ve spent an hour making something that was definitely going to be destroyed in like 5 seconds. Phoebe calls her out on being grumpy when this whole trip was supposed to be about relaxing and having fun. Prue thought it was about giving Piper and Leo alone married people time since they are holding off on a honeymoon. Prue doesn’t even like the beach. Phoebe is shocked by this, though I’m more shocked by the fact that Phoebe doesn’t know this when the girls live in California.

Jessica: Worse, Prue waited until now, at the beach, to say she doesn’t like the beach but didn’t want to ruin Phoebe’s fun. At the beach. If you were going to go this route Prue, maybe your revelation could have been later. Or, you know, suggest a movie instead?

Mari: The point is that Grams brought the girls to the beach after their mom’s funeral to “cheer them up.” The water and sand make her angry now.

    

After seeing her mom at Piper’s wedding and now being at the beach, Phoebe understands why Prue is being… crabby. *rimshot* Phoebe suggests leaving and going to get lattes. 

Listen, when Phoebe was making the sandcastle, she was calling it Phoebeville, and I ignored that because of course I did. Little did I know that the Phoebeville joke would continue through this whole damn scene. I wish I could explain better what was happening. But also, it doesn’t matter. 

Jessica: She also called herself Princess Phoebe in the sentence right before calling herself a queen. Since we’re pointing out stuff that’s annoying but doesn’t matter. Welcome to Charmed, everyone!

Mari: Prue takes a few last pictures before they go, and notices a woman standing up by the lifeguard stand, also taking pictures in her direction. Prue takes pictures of the woman and realizes there is a weird shadow thing just behind her. Prue calls out to the woman, but she gets spooked and runs away. Prue explains to Phoebe what just happened so she can deliver this sweet line, “looks like there’s a new demon in town.” 

Jessica: They haven’t used this line yet, and it’s already season 3? I imagine some writer has been sitting on that gem for a while.

Mari: We cut to two shady looking demons in human form checking out an apartment. They weirdly float around an inch off the ground instead of walking. (J: Is this an attempt to rip off The Gentlemen from Buffy?) (M: #BuffyDidItBetter) The landlady is overly cheery and is not picking up any of the “we are demons” social clue as she talks about how a-okay she is with these two men and their “alternative life-style” but she doesn’t like loud tenants. Her last tenant was weird and disappeared without a trace, but he was quiet so it was cool. 

It isn’t until Floating Demon 2 opens the doors to Cole’s altar that I realize that this is Cole’s apartment. (J: Same.) Floating Demon 2 says there is demonic residue here. (J: At least it’s not loud demonic residue, amirite landlady?) Floating Demon 1 says that landlady was hiding this from them for sure. He wants to know what else she knows about Cole Turner. He doesn’t want her to say anything, though. Floating Demon 2 bites into her neck. It’s over very quickly and I think we are supposed to assume that Floating Demon 2 absorbed things from her brain and also that she’s dead. The landlady didn’t know if Cole was alive, but she did know someone who might. 

I AM THE SAHN. 

Manor. Piper is looking in the mirror and wondering if she should wear white for the Whitelighter reception. Leo says she looks great and all his friends will love her if they ever get there. Piper says fine, they can go. She asks again, now that we are here, why her sisters can’t go. Leo says that he can orb her because she’s his wife (you’ve been orbing before, Leo. I’m onto you.) but he isn’t a taxi for the whole family. 

Phoebe joins them and her hair is not great. (J: It very much surprised me/bothered me the whole next few scenes. My ret-con, in doing this written recap, is it was beach tangle related. And not like, sexy Hollywood beach tangle like from a Bond movie, but real beach tangle where all the strands fight each other.) She giggles at them being husband and wife, but then asks what they are supposed to do about the shadow-y thing Prue saw. Leo assures her they will be within calling distance, should anything happen. They tinkle off. (J: Suuuuuuure.)

Prue says she’s off to get Morris’s help tracking down the woman from the beach. Unfortunately, though, the shadow thing didn’t show up in pictures. Poor Morris. “Here’s a picture, FIND THIS WOMAN.”

The doorbell rings and Phoebe answers. She’s very shocked to find a man there I have a feeling I should recognize but 100% do not. Phoebe greets him as “Inspector” so– oh yeah! He’s a cop! (100% still do not remember.) (J: No idea whatsoever.) Inspector Who? asks Phoebe where Cole Turner is because his landlady turned up dead. Phoebe is VERY BAD at lying or getting Inspector Who? off her trail, even as he yells a lot about how this horrific murder is almost kind of nearly Phoebe’s fault if she’s hiding Cole who almost definitely without any proof committed the murder. Prue and Phoebe are like OH NO! 

Inspector Who? stomps away. There is someone waiting for him at the car and it’s Beach Lady! Prue can still see the shadow following her, but Phoebe can’t see it. Prue says she’s going to follow Inspector Who? and Beach Lady because she’s concerned with saving her from the shadow. Phoebe should go find Cole, fill him in, and ask if he knows anything about this shadow thing. 

Mausoleum. Cole says he definitely didn’t kill his landlady. Clearly, someone knows he is alive and is coming after him. He wants to run away to escape the demons and protect Phoebe. She says that he can’t leave her again. She loves him and if that means fighting a few extra demons along the way, she’s up for it. (J: In the very spot not fewer than three episodes ago she proclaimed she could no longer bear to look upon him. I still am not copacetic with this random turnabout on her part for no apparent reason besides BECAUSE.) Cole seems to change his mind about leaving, even though he has no idea what they are up against. They hug as Phoebe says they’ll figure it out, avenge the landlady, and maybe keep hugging for extended periods of time, who knows. 

Prue parks behind Inspector Who? and watches. In his car, Beach Lady is handing over the pictures she took which show the girls doing absolutely nothing murderous. Also, Beach Lady (Andrea) was very bad at taking pictures undercover. Inspector Who? tells Andrea that he’s seen some things on this case. Andrea tells him to maybe get some sleep, but he says no. He tells her to just leave the photos on his desk. Andrea says good night and gets out of his car.

Phoebe and Cole break into his old apartment. They investigate for about 3 seconds before they start talking about their feelings and their relationship again. Skip right over that. Phoebe keeps looking around, feeling things with the back of her hand so she won’t leave fingerprints, and she gets a premonition: Floating Demons killing Inspector Who? while Prue turns away. Phoebe tells Cole what he saw. Cole identifies them as Seeker Demons, but he doesn’t know how to vanquish them. Phoebe says that hopefully the Book of Shadows has some info. 

Station. Andrea lets herself into Inspector Who? (Davidson)’s office. Floating Demon 1 is sitting behind the desk and scares Andrea. By the time she realizes there’s someone else behind her, she also realizes this is very bad news. Prue has tried to follow Andrea, but is really just standing in the hall, kind of looking around, until she hears a scream. Seeker 2, the biting one, bites Andrea to death. Andrea really didn’t know where Davidson was going, though, so the Seekers get no new information. Prue finally finds them and telekinesis the door open. The Seeker demons just calmly look at each other and smoke away. Except, now there is another shadow there. Prue tries to telekinesis it, but nothing happens. The smoke becomes a man and he’s all, “I’m death.” (J: Monotone, blank stare. Lamest. Death intro. Ever.) He grabs Andrea’s spirit and says he’ll be back. 

Back at the Manor, Phoebe has found the Seekers in the Book. They obtain information by brain cells. (J: Specifically, biting them.) Thankfully, there is a vanquish in there as well. Phoebe tries to hand the book to Cole, but he jumps away from it, remembering that the last time he tried to touch it, it electrocuted him. Phoebe is like “lol, good old days when you tried to murder me.” Such fun.

Now Prue is home and she needs the book, too. The girls catch each other up. Andrea- dead. Seekers- eat brains. Prue makes Cole feel bad that this is all for him. He offers to go, but Phoebe tells him not to. He doesn’t even know how to vanquish the Seekers anyway. Prue adds that they are also dealing with something else. She shouts for Leo, and he tinkles in with Piper, holding an ugly wedding gift. Prue asks about the Angel of Death. Leo says it’s real, not evil, and always gets who he came for. Prue says NUH-UH, because she’s going to save Davidson, dammit. Phoebe now shares her vision, of Prue turning her back on Davidson, and she’s like NUH-UH. YOUR POWER IS STUPID ANYWAY. That last part was almost definitely only in her head. 

Phoebe runs off to get Davidson’s card. Cole excuses himself, presumably to follow her, but he actually shimmers away. 

Davidson’s office. He is very distraught about losing his partner. He gets a page (like on his beeper, what up 90s!) and runs off to take it. He’s stopped in the hall by Cole. Davidson starts yelling and threatening, but Cole can tell that the Seekers are nearby. He grabs Davidsons and shimmers away right before the Seekers see them. They can sense that Cole was there, though. 

Mausoleum. Davidson is freaked out and I’m not really sure why Cole has his evil voice on right now? He’s being very threatening and demonic. He’s saying things like “I’m not going to kill you,” but in the most murder-y way possible. (J: I imagine it’s like being saved by the Christian Bale Batman, if you didn’t know who Batman is.) He can’t let Davidson go because if does, the Seekers will find him.

Manor. Leo is still messing with his wedding gift lamp. Focus, man. Phoebe comes downstairs and announces that Cole is gone. He probably went to confront the demons alone. Phoebe, for no real reason, guesses he went to the mausoleum, so we’re going with it. Everyone gets ready to go there, but for some reason, Prue says she can just astral there faster. Which is true, but that doesn’t mean everyone can’t also go? I’m not sure what the plan here is. I’m sure it’ll all work in the end. 

And back to the mausoleum. Now Cole is banging Davidson into the wall and telling him he’s not going to hurt him. For real. The Seekers show up. Cole tells them to leave Davidson alone, which tips off the Seekers to the fact that he might have some usual information. Prue astrals in. A fight breaks out. Davidson tries to make a run for it and ends up getting thrown into a wall by one of the Seekers. Death shows up. Prue tries to beat Death up, but she can’t actually. That doesn’t stop her from trying to kick Death for like five whole minutes while Cole is almost choked to death. 

She literally just keeps trying to kick death, I just…

Okay, I have to let it go. I have to move on. 

Cole manages to get the Seekers off him, but they disappear before he can fireball them. Death disappears. 

Back at the Manor, Leo is still the most concerned with this damn lamp.

    

Jessica: Phoebe’s slow head turn is my favorite thing in this entire episode.

Mari: Cole and Prue make it back. Cole is upset that Prue didn’t help him. He gives the others the rundown of what happened and man, this happens so much on this show. Not only do we have to watch a thing, there is always some reason to recap what we just watched to some other parties. Prue says that she kicked ass, but Cole doesn’t think that’s what happened. 

    

Jessica: “I was fighting the angel of death and obviously I won” is what I’m going to say the next time I flail at a fly buzzing around my head. 

Mari: Please, please do.

Leo reminds Prue that you can’t beat death. Cole yells some more about how Prue ruined his plan. Prue points out that he was the one who ditched them first. Phoebe joins in to tenderly explain that had the Seekers captured him, they could’ve gotten all the Halliwell secrets out of him. Whoops. 

Davidson comes to just in time to see Leo tinkle out to go get some help from TPTB(c). Davidson freaks out some more. Cole tries to threaten, the witches try to soothe, but in the end, Davidson decides to take his chances with running the heck away. Cole wants to stop him, but Piper says that they don’t kidnap cops. They do follow cops, though, so off they go. Cole is going to stay in the manor. Prue says she’s going to do something else, too. (J: Yes let’s keep splitting up. This is a great plan. I’m sure it will all work out in the end.)

Prue heads back to the beach because for some reason yes. She says a spell to summon the Angel of Death, but once he arrives, she’s like “well, shit.” She tells Death that she’s trying to save Davidson, but Death is a dick, and starts pushing her about her mother’s death and how that’s really what this is all about. Prue thinks if she saves Davidson, she’s finally won. Prue cries, and asks again what she can do to save Davidson. Death is like UGH, GIRL. LISTEN. She cannot save Davidson. And the sooner she accepts that, the sooner she can see the bigger picture. Prue asks what that means, and Death offers to show her. Prue hesitates, but Death assures her it’s not her time… yet. We’re going as fast as we can through this season, Death, gosh. 

Death smokes Prue away.

Phoebe and Piper are watching Davidson as he attends Andrea’s funeral. They are very bad at this, though, because they don’t immediately notice when the Seekers arrive. And then they do a slow jog toward him when they realize that Davidson is leading the Seekers into another building. The Seekers lock the witches out, so they can only watch. 

Davidson shoots the demons a bunch but it doesn’t work. Seeker 2 gets into brain biting position just as Death spirits Prue in. Her sisters can see her and yell for her to let them in or do something, but all Prue does is turn away as Davidson dies. The Seekers smoke out and Death hits Prue with an “I told you so.” He grabs Davidson’s spirit and spirits away. 

After a not!break, Phoebe and Piper have somehow let themselves in. Don’t ask questions, we’re almost done. They ask Prue wtf happened and why she didn’t help Davidson. She says it was his time. And then she cries over his body.

Jessica: Did we miss an entire scene of Prue and Death talking on the way over? She went from saying “no I’ll save him” to “ah turn away” without any progression from one to to other. I just – eh, it’s almost over.

Mari: Manor. The phone rings. Cole almost answers it but the Seekers show up. They get into a ridiculous fight. It’s so slow and they kind of look like leaping frogs, dear god. Cole gets knocked out and there is this prolonged, “we are going to bite him now!” which allows the 3P’s time to show up. Piper grabs Cole while Prue and Phoebe martial arts the demons. Prue is especially going to town, so Cole has to pull her off. I’m not sure why it makes sense for Cole to be the one to be like “hey girl. Stop the violence.” The girls say their vanquishing spell and the Seekers are gone. Phoebe and Cole celebrate with a kiss. 

Leo tinkles in and Piper snits at him for being late. He says the TPTB(c) kept him back because Prue had to learn her lesson the hard way. What lesson? Death is not the evil. (J: Sure?) She leaves. Leo tells everyone to just give her some time. Cole and Phoebe run off. Piper wraps up her storyline by telling Leo that life is too short to fight over a lamp. Then they kiss and knock it over so it breaks anyway.

Beach. Prue is there watching the waves when Death shows up. Prue still doesn’t get why she couldn’t fight the demons. Death tells her that she would’ve lost. She was the next name on the death list after Davidson. She was so busy focusing on death, she wasn’t thinking about the other evils of the world. I have no idea how any of this makes sense, because it basically means that Prue did kind of cheat death? IDK.

Prue says she’s spent so long being mad at Death. Now what does she do? Death tells her to grieve and then move on. 

Prue cries. 

Next time on Charmed: Piper and Leo want to move out in S01 E17 – Pre-Witched.